Survival Guide to the Criminally Insane Akatsuki
by LinzRW
Summary: A peaceful morning at the Akatsuki hideout - until three girls appear out of nowhere. Kate in Kisame's bed. Deidara trips over Hannah. And Dessie finds herself in a bathtub about to be sacrificed to Jashin-sama. Featuring deadly frying pans, the Great God Warg, the Hottie Evolution, Mr. Nibbles, and Kisame the Love Guru.
1. The Welcome Wagon

**Hi! My name is LinzRW (previously known as "Fallen Angels Still Have Wings" and "Review Whore").**

**This is the first installment of the Criminally Insane Series.**

**Do not read this story excepting profound characters. I wrote this story for the sake of humor. There is a plot (eventually) and romance (eventually), but this is a humor story. My characters may be stupid, vain, and crazy, and they may have some Mary-Sue tendencies. Laugh at them. You are supposed to laugh at them.**

**There are links to fanart for this book on my profile page. There is also a link to my facebook page, which you should like if you want to hear more about my work.**

**I love reviews. You can review the last chapter, you can review the chapters you liked best, you can review every single chapter. I love reviews. I operate under the philosophy of "the more the merrier" when it comes to reviews. So, please, let me know what you think.**

**Finally, read, review, and enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter One: The Welcome Wagon <strong>

**_Rule Number One: Always listen to the Akatsuki – they no best after all. And even when they're completely wrong and think that waffles are a type of shuriken, remember: The Akatsuki Knows Best._**

**Kate**

How to begin? Don't worry, we're going to answer your question. I'm just not sure where to start—Dessie? Hannah? Any ideas? No… I guess I should start thirteen years ago.

My name is Katharine Anne Marie Collins (AKA Kate) and I'm starting this story when I was twenty-years-old. Back then, most people described me as blond, skinny, and a walking disaster to myself… Actually, all of that is still true.

But, enough about me. I'll skip all the boring details of meeting Dessie and Hannah for the first time and becoming friends—I'll go straight to the part where I woke up in the Akatsuki hideout (this is the good stuff right here).

Out of the three of us (Dessie, Hannah, and me) I would have to say I had the nicest welcome. I woke up from a very pleasant dream involving cats to find myself lying in a nice, soft bed with a very warm… something beside me.

Now, just so you understand my very pure mind, I am a huggy person. The moment there is something soft and warm within arms reach, I am inclined to embrace it. So that's what I did, that lovely Saturday morning, I gave that "thing" a hug. Unfortunately for me, that "thing" did not like being hugged very much.

"What the _hell_ is this?"

The "thing" started struggling in my gasp and pushed me right out of bed onto the very hard, very cold floor. I rolled over and groaned, massaging my back.

"What happened to the kitties?" I asked sleepily.

"Kisame, why is there a girl in your bed?"

"There isn't – wasn't – shouldn't be!"

"Hn… A young girl at that…"

"Don't judge me!"

I rubbed by eyes sleepily and look around the room. It was reasonably dark with faint rays of orange morning light drifting in through a small window to my right. The room was reasonably small, with two single beds on opposite sides of the room. In the bed to my left was a tall, muscular man, who, for some reason, made the Jaws theme song pop into my head. He had dark blue hair and gray skin, with _gills_ underneath his white eyes. (This, I later found out was Kisame) On the other bed, was a smaller, younger man with black hair and blood-red eyes (Itachi). Kisame was gawping at me while Itachi looked rather calm.

"Who are you? What are you doing here? How did you…get into my _bed_?" cried Kisame, his eyes flashing dangerously.

Reality hit me right about then and I pulled my knees up to my chest and stared at Kisame in horror. "Are you going to eat me?"

They both stared at me.

"What?" asked Kisame. "Why would I eat you?"

"I don't taste that good, if that's what you're wondering!"

"Shut up and answer the question!" snapped Kisame. He leapt out of the bed and grabbed me by the throat, lifting me off the ground.

Let's just summarize the situation here: One moment, I was falling asleep in Hannah's living room after a night of movies and games. The next thing I know a creepy shark-faced man is trying to kill me and he's doing a pretty good job of it too.

I screamed and kicked and sobbed at all once – flinging a hellstorm of emotions in Kisame's face.

"Put her down, Kisame," said Itachi. "She can't answer any questions if you kill her."

Almost disappointed, Kisame put me down. I crumpled to the floor and sat there massaging my neck and sobbing. They stood there for a moment, looming over me, until my tears stopped and I just sat on the floor, staring up at them with wide eyes.

"Now," said Kisame. "You'll answer our questions."

"And if I don't?" I sniffled.

"You die."

Well, that seemed like good logic to me, so I shut up and listened to them.

"First question," said Kisame, "Who are you?"

I took a deep breath before answering very quickly: "Katharine Anne Marie Collins, but you can call me Kate. Now please don't eat me!"

Itachi sighed. "We're not going to eat you."

"Where do you come from?" growled Kisame.

"Texas…"

"Don't lie."

"Texas…Like, Texas, U.S.A.? Not ringing any bells?" I glanced at their two puzzled faces and decided that was not answer enough. "Earth? Milky Way? Any of this making sense or are you just geographically challenged?"

"Shut up."

I shut up. Over my time with the Akatsuki I have learned the rules of dealing with them. Rule Number One: Always do what you're told. Bad things happen otherwise.

The two men turned their backs on me and had a quick, whispered conversation. I couldn't hear any of it. After a minute, they both turned back to me and said, "If you don't answer we will take you to Leader – _he_ will get the truth out of you. Now, what is your purpose here?"

I considered this for a moment. "I don't know. I just woke up here."

"Hn?"

"I was at a sleep-over at… Hannah's house – she's my childhood friend – and there were a thunderstorm… and that's all I remember. Next thing I know, I'm being rudely kicked out of bed onto the floor." I glared at Kisame, hoping he was getting the message. If he did, he decided to ignore it, because instead, he muttered something to his partner who nodded in agreement.

"You know," I squeaked. "It isn't nice to talk about people behind their backs – didn't you mothers teach you manners?"

They both turned to stare at me, very odd expressions plastered all over their faces.

However, it was Kisame who answered me. "My mother screwed around with a shark and Itachi killed his own parents – excuse them if they didn't have time to teach us proper manners."

I stared.

And stared.

And stared some more.

"Oh."

Then, I screamed.

**Hannah**

Bleeeeeeeeeeh.

The time was 6:12 a.m., I had gotten absolutely no sleep the night before (thanks, Dessie), and I was tied to a chair in the middle of a basement. Yep. That was a great morning.

What's that, Kate? Do I really have to introduce the nineteen-year-old me? Fine. My name is Hannah O'Reilly. I am usually described as tall, thin, and very, very pessimistic.

Anyway, enough of this shit, back to the situation of me being tied to a chair in a basement. You see, instead of waking up in a nice comfy bed like Kate, I woke up in the middle of a hallway with a large Blond Fur Ball tripping over me. Needless to say the Fur Ball was not happy. At least his mask-wearing partner managed to stop him from blowing me up. So, instead, the Fur Ball decided it was much more suitable to tie me up and leave me sitting in a chair while he 'interrogated' me.

"What's your name?"

"Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."

Deidara raised his fist, a ball of clay clutched in his hand. "Tell me or I'll blow your ass to hell and back. I–"

"Deidara-sempai! You can't kill the prisoner until _after_ you have interrogated her!" cried Tobi.

Deidara seemed to fight with himself for a moment, but he eventually relaxed and turned to me with a malicious grin. "If you don't tell me, bitch, I won't kill you – but I'll put you through so much pain you'll wish you'd died, uhn!"

Well, I wasn't really interested in dying, so I told him. "Hannah."

"Uhn."

Tobi clapped his hands cheerfully and cried, "Yay! We're all getting along so much better now!"

I stared at him, and then turned to Deidara. "Is this guy mentally retarded?"

"You have no idea, uhn."

"So," said Tobi, his one eyes visible through the mask crinkling with delight. "Where are you from?"

"Mars."

"Where?" asked Deidara, cluelessly.

"Er… Mars… You know, big red planet… out in space…"

They stared at me blankly. Deidara's face slowly growing redder and redder with rage. He was starting to play with his ball of clay again and (though I didn't know what it was at the time) I had an ominous feeling about that clay.

"I was kidding…" I explained.

"Don't mess with me, bitch," snarled Deidara. "Tell me seriously – or it's your ass on the line…"

"I'm from Texas."

"I said seriously, uhn."

"I _am_ serious," I snapped.

"I have never heard of this Tex-ass! Don't lie to me, or–" Deidara released his ball of clay and a little bird fluttered through the air. I gazed at it for a moment, unable to stop myself from thinking it was kind of pretty. Then, Deidara raised two fingers and cried, "Katsu!"

The bird blew up.

Deidara turned to me with a devious grin and said, "Tell me the truth or that can be you in two seconds, uhn."

I swallowed. My throat was dry. Then, with all the strength I had left right then, I said, "But Tobi says you're not allowed to kill me."

"_Bitch_!" Deidara spun around and approached Tobi, waving yet another clay master piece in Tobi's face. "I may not be allowed to kill the prisoner, but no one is against me killing you!"

Tobi covered his face in his hands and screamed, "Tobi is a good boy!"

The time was 6:21 a.m., I got absolutely no sleep the night before, I was tied to a chair in a basement, and a giant Blond Fur Ball was chasing a creeper with a mask around the room with dangerous explosives. So, you can excuse me for saying this but: my – life – was – officially – hell!

**Dessie**

Introduction time!

Name: Desdemona Lee. Age: twenty years. Height: short. Hair: long and black and a giant mess. Eyes: blue. Personality: violent. Hobbies: violence and stalking hot guys. I hope you got all that because I'm not repeating it.

I would have to say that, out of the three of us, I received the least enjoyable welcome to the Akatsuki hideout. You see, when I woke up, I was lying in a bathtub with a blood-soaked corpse and a zombie standing over me with a scythe. Now, does that scream "Welcome Wagon" to you? (I hope not, because otherwise you are one seriously messed up person).

Well, when this zombie with a scythe (Hidan) saw me lying in the bathtub, he turned around and screamed over his shoulder. "Hey, Kakuzu – there's a live one in here!"

And then, much to my horror, a deep voice carries back to us, saying, "Not for long."

"Fuck, yeah!"

So, Hidan raises his scythe above his head and prepares to send it crashing down on my skull – sending me into a world of "Good-Bye Dessie and Hello Hell" (because there is no way I'm going to Heaven).

I flung my hands over my face and screamed, "I know your weak spot!"

Hidan freezes. And stares.

"What?"

I stared up at him, vaguely aware that blood was seeping out from the dead body onto my clothes. "That's right! I know your weak spot! Don't you dare try and kill me – you'll regret it!"

"I don't have a fucking weak spot!" snapped Hidan, preparing to lob my head off.

So, I kicked him between the legs. And let me tell you, he has a weak spot.

Hidan collapsed to the ground, clutching his manly bits, and I leapt over his head and made a bee-line for the exit. Unfortunately Hidan's Torture Chamber is actually an adjoining bathroom to the bedroom he shares with his partner-in-crime, Kakuzu. So, I take two steps into the room and these black tentacles grab me around the ankle and lift me off the ground.

"Let me go!" I screamed over and over again, thrashing around.

A gray-brown face that distinctly reminded me of a mummy appeared, staring up at me curiously. Then, in a deep voice, Kakuzu said, "I've been dying to do that for a long time."

"Eh?"

"It'd be a shame to kill you – I wonder if a whore house is buying…"

"EH!?"

Then, Hidan comes wobbling out of the bathroom soaked from his silver hair to his bare feet in blood. He takes one look at me, dangling from Kakuzu's tentacle and cries, "I am going to _slaughter _you! Jashin-sama will give you eternal punishment in the afterlife!"

"Eh? Who the hell is Jashin-sama?" I screamed, still trying to free myself from Kakuzu's tentacles.

"Heathen!" exclaimed Hidan, jumping onto his bed. "She can't die yet, Kakuzu! She must be enlightened first!"

"I was going to sell her…" said Kakuzu.

"Death is the only suitable punishment for that heathen!" snapped Hidan. "Besides, _I found her_."

"But then she kicked you in the balls and ran away. Now she's mine. And I'm selling her."

"I'm killing her!"

Kakuzu's tentacles were too tightly fastened around my ankles and I gave up trying to free myself. Instead, I hung limply upside down and asked, resignedly, "Do I get a say in this?"

They ignored me.

"I have a solution," said Kakuzu. "How about I sell her. Then, after I get the money, you kill her. It's a win-win situation."

"Urg. Fine."

"SHUT UP! OR I WILL DECAPITATE YOU ALL WHERE YOU STAND!"

Kakuzu dropped me and I landed on the floor with a heavy crunch. I rolled over and stared at the door to the bedroom where a man with orange hair and more piercings than I could count stood. He glowered at us, his wild eyes murderous.

"Oh. Hey, Leader," said Hidan awkwardly.

"What are you doing at seven in the morning!?"

"We found a live one in Hidan's bathtub of victims," said Kakuzu. "And we were figuring out what to do with her."

"Don't give me that shit," said Leader. "I was having a nice dream!"

"Did it involve origami?" asked Hidan.

Leader threw a kunai and it buried itself in Hidan's chest.

I screamed.

Hidan inspected the kunai, and then pulled it out. "Jashin damn you, Leader. Quit trying to kill me."

"If I was trying to kill you, you'd be dead."

"Right."

Leader glanced at me. "I'm going back to bed. Bring her to the meeting room in an hour – she'd better be whole and in one piece – or, Hidan, Kakuzu, _I will kill you both_."

Leader slammed the door behind him.

And thus, my life was spared – briefly.


	2. An Organized Meeting

**Chapter Two: An Organized Meeting **

**_Rule Number Two: Don't interrupt an Akatsuki member – they are mentally unstable and tend to get violent very quickly. _**

**Kate**

And now we return to my side of the story – because we all know my point of view is the best!

We left off with me sitting in Itachi and Kisame's room being interrogated. Now, let's just say that, after being locked in a room with them for half an hour, I can confirm that they fit their roles as criminally insane psychopaths really well. I still have nightmares of that day.

The torture/interrogation/madhouse came to an end with the arrival of Konan.

Oh dear sweet Konan of angel's decent! She will, and always shall be, my most favorite Akatsuki member! With her violet hair and origami flower, she is so pretty and lady-like – like a gentle sheet of paper blowing in the wind…

But, I digress. In the middle of my incredibly terrifying interrogation (I am sparing you the gory details), Konan opened the door and stepped in saying, "Leader is demanding a meeting of all members it seems he…" She caught sight of me sitting on the floor and stared. "Oh, you've found one too. Well then, bring her along to the meeting – and try not to kill her."

And with that, Konan left.

"_Another_ one?" asked Kisame incredulously. "How many of these _things_ must we put up with?"

I ignored him as a sloppy grin spread across my face. I was not going to die any time soon thanks to the beautiful and angelic Konan.

Itachi tied me up with rope and Kisame carried my through the Akatsuki hideout like a sack of potatoes slung over his shoulder – but I could care less. I was alive. They weren't allowed to kill me! Alive!

Kisame dropped me. I landed with a thud, my head slamming against the ground. I sat up shakily and found myself sitting in a ring of people dressed in black coats with red clouds. Next to me was an extremely pissed off Dessie.

"You're here too!" I cried. I tried to hug her, but my hands and feet were bound. So instead, I snuggled against her shoulder. "I missed you!"

"Yeah, yeah – I'm a very missable person."

"Uh-huh!"

She glanced around the ring of members, glaring – with particular hatred – at a silver-haired man holding a scythe. This was unusual. The man was, without a doubt, incredibly hot, and she should be drooling all over him right now. Her eyes, however, screamed murder and hatred. She wanted to kill the Hottie? What was the world coming to?

Then, Dessie's eyes landed upon the exceedingly gorgeous face of Uchiha Itachi – and the apocalypse was averted.

"Ah!" she cried, gawping at him.

Immediately, all the Akatsuki members turned to stare at Itachi.

"Hn?" he grunted, confusedly (I can translate Itachi grunts!).

"Hottie!" screamed Dessie, wriggling her way over to him. "Hottie! Hottie! Hottie! I want the Hottie! With all his heavenly features and deep, _manly_ red eyes and look at that swagger! Ah! So hot!"

"What the hell?" exclaimed Kisame, trying to kick Dessie away from him and his partner.

Rather than be separated from her from her beloved eye-candy, Dessie bit Kisame in the foot.

"Ow! Crazy bitch!"

Kisame pulled his gigantic, spiked sword from his back and brought is crashing down towards Dessie's head. Hidan stood on the sidelines, cheering Kisame on and Itachi looked slightly relieved. However, before Kisame could decapitate Dessie, an orange-haired hooligan entered the room and everyone froze.

This hooligan was, in fact, Leader. With too many piercings to count and bright orange hair, Leader was probably the most normal member of the Akatsuki (which is of course why I think he is the perfect match for my angelic Konan).

Leader surveyed the scene before him and said, slowly, "Didn't I tell you all _not_ to kill them."

Kisame lowered his sword and Hidan stopped cheering. Dessie inched back to her seat beside me. And then, a sullen voice spoke from behind Leader, "Dessie, try not to make the psychopaths angry – it's not a pretty ending."

"Hannah!"

Tall and slender with long brown hair and woeful brown eyes, Hannah emerged from behind Leader and regarded the two of us boredly. She too was tied up with two Akatsuki members escorting her – a blond guy who could have been a girl and some dude who was wearing an orange mask.

"Sit down," said Deidara, pushing her to the ground beside us.

Hannah said nothing in protest, but rather lay there without moving (playing possum most likely).

Then, the Akatsuki formed a circle around us and Leader commenced the meeting.

"So," he began. "We have interrogated the three intruders and they have given the same answers. Their names are Katharine Anne Marie Collins–"

"Kate," Dessie corrected.

Leader ignored me. "Hannah O'Reilly, and Desdemona Lee."

"Dessie," she corrected him a second time.

Leader twitched slightly with irritation, but he continued speaking. "Dessie and Kate are twenty years old and Hannah is nineteen. They claim to come from a place called…" He hesitated. "From Texas in the USA on Earth."

"You're all geographically challenged," I muttered.

And that is where Rule Number Two comes in. Never, ever interrupt and Akatsuki member – punishments include very scary threats, cruel and unusual torture, and death.

Kisame leapt forward and grabbed me by the neck (he's frightening like that) and snarled in my face, "Shut up! Don't you dare interrupt Leader or he'll kill us all! I'll bite your head off and give the rest of you to Hidan to sacrifice to his made-up god!"

I opened my mouth to reply and ended up choking.

Hidan punched Kisame in the face.

"Jashin-sama will punish you, heathen!" cried Hidan.

"Your god is a fake!"

Hidan raised his scythe. "Say that again, you over-grown sushi!"

"_Shut up_."

Leader glared at the two of them until they returned to their positions in the circle. I slumped back in my seat, thinking that I was safe, but then, Leader turned to regard me and said, in the slow, horrifying way of his, "Don't say another word or I will personally rip out you intestines."

I was silent.

And Leader continued.

"According to these girls, they were having a 'sleep over' at Hannah's house when there was a thunderstorm and the lights went out. Then, they all blacked out and woke up here – another highly unlikely story. However, they don't seem to know anything else and they do seem to believe their stories. So, now, that we've gotten everything we can out of them – the question is: what should we do with them – any suggestions?"

Hidan: Kill them.

Kisame: I second that motion!

Kakuzu: Can we sell them to a brothel?

At the sound of this, Dessie managed to kick off her shoe in the direction of Kakuzu and it hit him square in the forehead.

"Tobi likes that Hannah girl! Tobi thinks she's a good girl!"

"Can we eat them?"

All at once, we turned to stare at Zetsu. It was our first time meeting the strange plant man – trust me when I say that he is successfully the most frightening Akatsuki member to date (and we've met Orochimaru).

Konan considered all these suggestions and then, finally said, "I like the brothel idea. We can sell them and get some money – we are desperately in need of funds – whereas we won't get anything for killing them."

Leader could see the sense in this. "You just don't find well-funded criminal organizations these days. It used to be so easy. You could walk into the street and get a million dollars off of any old rich sucker." He sighed. "Where did the good years go?"

No one answered.

"Well," said Leader somewhat cheerfully. "Who's going to take them to the brothel?"

Silence. Then, Zetsu spoke up, "We will."

Leader regarded him for a second and said, "Er…no. You'll eat them on the journey. Um…anyone else?"

The members shifted awkwardly and kept their eyes downcast determined that Leader should not choose them for this mission. One member, however, raised his eyes determinedly and said, "I think that Kakuzu should do it – since he suggested the brothel in the first place."

"Itachi!" hissed Kakuzu irritably.

"I can see sense in that," said Leader. "Alright then. Kakuzu and Hidan will take them to the brothel. I can trust Kakuzu to get the best price for them and…er…Konan should go with them, so that no one _dies_ on the trip."

"Oh joy…" muttered Hannah.

"Why do I have to go?" complained Hidan. "I don't want within five feet of those bitches."

"Who you calling a bitch, you Zombie Whore!" snapped Dessie.

Toni let out a fit of laughter. "Zombie Whore! Tobi likes Dessie too. Can Tobi keep Dessie and Hannah?"

"No."

"As pets?"

"No."

"Oh…" Tobi looked positively heart broken. I might have come to like him at this point, only… he wanted to keep everyone _except _me.

Leader sighed and turned to answer Hidan's question. "You're Kakuzu's partner. Where he goes, you go."

"Partner?" asked Dessie gleefully. "Zombie Whore and Doctor Octopus are bed-buddies? No wonder they share a room…" She raised her eye-brows in Hidan's direction and added in an undertone to Kakuzu, "I don't really approve of your tastes."

"Shut up, bitch!" snarled Hidan.

Hannah groaned. "We're going to die!"

Deidara cackled gleefully. "Zombie Whore versus Violent Stalker Chick – who will win? Any bets?"

"Fifty on Violent Stalker Chick," said Kakuzu.

"The same on Zombie Whore," said Kisame.

Kakuzu grinned. "It'll be my win – she nailed him in the _sensitive areas_ earlier."

Luckily for us, Itachi and Zetsu restrained the two fighters and a peace of sorts filled the meeting room. Dessie sat down beside Hannah and me and sighed.

"You know," she said thoughtfully. "I always knew I'd die young – but I'd always imagined it be stalking a hot who happened to own a gun and accidentally shot me after mistaking me for a murderer – not landing in some psycho group's hideout and getting into too many fights with a whorish zombie…"

"Yeah..." muttered Hannah, "Because there's such a _big_ difference in those deaths."

"Shut up!" snapped Leader. "Kakuzu, Hidan, Konan – get moving! It's seven in the morning and I am _tired_. If I have to settle one more fight before I get some serious sleep, _someone is going to die_."

And so, our bindings were shifted so that we could walk freely and only our hands were tied. Then, the six of us set out from the Akatsuki hideout in search of a brothel that would pay highly for three beautiful young ladies such as ourselves (Kakuzu figured this would be a difficult task and would take multiple days – maybe Dessie was right about him having bad taste).


	3. A Showdown of Gods

**Chapter Three: A Showdown of Gods**

**_Rule Number Three: Always obey Kakuzu because he is one scary piece of work and has tentacles that can violate you in many different ways._**

**Hannah**

Well, as you know, we left off with us and three slightly crazy Akatsuki members leaving the Akatsuki base to go sell my friends and me to a brothel to raise some money for a bankrupt criminal organization.

For those of you who have failed to notice yet, Dessie and Hidan _do not_ get along. So, in short, the journey was like a travelling hell on wheels. Apart from the usual verbal arguments and threats of all-out war between the two of them, the first big catastrophe occurred during out first camp-out on the trip. Dessie woke up in the middle of the night to find a shirtless Hidan holding a scythe over her head and about to sacrifice her to Jashin. Dessie punched him in the nose and ran away screaming. The rest of us woke up to find a bloody Hidan (no surprise) and a missing Dessie (no surprise).

"Idiot," grumbled Kakuzu, making sure to punch Hidan again in his already broken nose. "You lost us a good five thousand right there!"

"No one would pay five-thousand for that bitch."

"We should probably go find Dessie…" said Kate.

"She'll be fine," I grumbled, rolling over in my sleeping bag and closing my eyes.

Of course, Kakuzu would not let any chance at money slip away. So, he dragged us all out of bed and divided us all up into groups so that we could search for Dessie. In the end (after a good fifteen minutes of arguing) the groups consisted of Konan, Hidan, and Kate and then Kakuzu and me. Then, we set off in opposite directions to go find her.

Now, to set the record straight, Kakuzu is not much of a talker. He looks like Frankenstein's monster on steroids with ugly black tentacles hidden somewhere in his body that only come out when he needs to kill/torture/bludgeon someone – needless to say being alone with him scared me to death. Already, wild fantasies were dancing through my head about me being transformed into some sort of mutant zombie. Maybe Hidan was one of Kakuzu's experiments and I would end up being a loud-mouthed, Jashin-worshipping idiot. And that scared me more than the idea of Kakuzu himself.

"I wonder how Kate and the others are getting on…" I said awkwardly.

Kakuzu shrugged, apparently not caring.

"What if they've found her already?"

"I'll know."

"How?"

He didn't reply, but instead kept tramping through the woods in a random direction. Perhaps he knew where he was going, perhaps not. I just followed him blindly and figured it was best not to say anything for fear of angering him.

Eventually, after a good hour of hiking through the woods, Kakuzu and I wandered upon a small town, the lights of the streets glowing between the forest leaves. Kakuzu led the way and we entered the town. People stared at us – or more accurately, people stared at Kakuzu. Well, I couldn't blame them; he's a bit of a freak.

"Why are we here?" I asked.

"Shut up and sit down."

"Huh?"

Kakuzu pointed at a wooden bench on the side of the road. I hesitated, a little afraid of being left alone in this strange world, but one ferocious glare from, Kakuzu and I obeyed his every word. Then, the moment my butt touched the seat, Kakuzu wandered off and I was left alone – just as I had feared.

A good long hour passed by and I found myself wondering what the hell I was doing here. Not _here_ per say, but here – in this world. Because, like it or not, the more time I spent here, the more I was sure that this was not… Earth. The people here were different and they spoke different and acted different. No matter how I looked at it, they were not from my world. And that terrified me.

So, unable to stand it any longer, I got up from my bench and began to wander around the town, sight seeing. Kakuzu was nowhere to be seen, which might be a good thing since he won't kill me for disobeying him this way. Instead, I found myself wandering by a teashop where a very familiar voice could be heard:

"HOTTIE! HOTTIE! HOTTIE! I want the Hottie! Look at that long, luxurious hair and beautiful eyes – where did you get those eyes?"

With a sigh, I slipped inside the teashop and saw an all too common sight. Dessie stood on one side of the room being restrained by some tall man who had a bowl-haircut and was wearing green spandex while Dessie tried to get her hands on a hot guy – in this case a teenage boy with long brown hair and violet-white eyes.

"Run away, Neji!" screamed a girl with a hairstyle that reminded me distinctly of a panda. "This one's strong!"

"And full of youth!" shouted a miniature version of the man in spandex.

Neji, despite looking a little unnerved by the situation, seemed quite calm. "She's not a shinobi," he observed. "I can take her."

I laughed aloud, causing heads to turn in my direction. "Many a man has said that about Desdemona Lee – none have lived up to their words."

"Huh?"

The spandex man (who I later learned was Gai) released Dessie and, like a wild animal, she charged across the room to capture Neji in a gigantic bear-hug. He toppled to the floor and, unable to move, lay there stiffly.

"HOTTIE!"

"Neji! Get rid of her!" cried Tenten (panda girl).

"I can't move…" muttered Neji through gritted teeth. "Help me…"

I shrugged. "Told you so."

However, I took pity on the poor guy and helped him detach Dessie. She looked disappointed to have to release him, but listened obediently. She stood by my side, scowling, as Lee (mini-spandex) approached her joyously.

"You have the spark of youth in you!" he exclaimed. "I admire your–"

Dessie punched him in the eye.

"Shut up, Ugly."

Neji, Tenten, and Gai gawped as Lee collapsed to the floor of the teashop, unconscious.

"Is she for real?" asked Tenten disbelievingly.

"Yep."

"Sure she's not a shinobi?"

"Yep."

"Damn."

"Yep."

As it turned out, they were a team of shinobi from Konoha who were on a mission in this village. Dessie and I had a pleasant chat with them for awhile before I dragged Dessie back to the bench with me (fear Kakuzu's wrath). My hopes of returning before Kakuzu were rewarded and Dessie and I just managed to sit down on the bench and act natural before Kakuzu returned.

"Look!" I cried. "Look who just randomly walked by…"

Kakuzu looked at me to Dessie and then back to me. Then, he shrugged.

"Nice to know you care," I grumbled.

* * *

><p><p>

We arrived back at the campsite long before Hidan, Konan, and Kate did. So, the three of us took advantage and slept in until ten o'clock when the others returned in a very bad mood.

"You could have contacted us, you fucker!" cried Hidan, kicking Kakuzu in the side.

"Shut up, Zombie Whore," snapped Dessie, rolling over sleepily.

"It's your fault I could sleep!"

"Technically it's yours!" piped up Kate. "You're the one who scared her off."

"She should have been honored to be sacrificed to Jashin-sama!"

"Who the hell would be!" exclaimed Dessie, jumping up from her bed. "I'm going to sacrifice you to my great and all mighty god!"

"You don't have a god, Dessie," said Kate.

"Yes I do! As of now I worship the god… Warg! And he is the rival god of Jashin. My sworn mission is to eliminate all Jashin worshipers – die you heathen!" Dessie chased after Hidan screaming: "I know your weak spot!"

"Hidan has a weak spot?" asked Konan curiously.

Right then Dessie aimed a particularly good kick and Hidan collapsed to the ground clutching his 'weak spot'.

"Oh."

"Well," said Kakuzu, getting up from his bed. "I have good news."

"Really?" asked Kate eagerly. "Are we going to be spared? Because I really don't feel like becoming a prostitute – and I fell really bad for Dessie's customers…"

"No. I found a brothel that is willing to pay four thousand apiece."

"That makes twelve thousand…" observed Konan cheerfully. "Good. We can use that to buy food for the rest of the year."

"What about us?" whined Kate miserably.

"What about you?" asked Kakuzu, as cold as ever.

"Er…nothing…"

I patted Kate's shoulder sympathetically. "He has that effect on every one."

Dessie then appeared at my shoulder, bright and cheerful after a good eight hours rest and using Hidan as a stress-reliever. "What am I missing?"

"Kakuzu's found a place to sell us to. We're going to be prostitutes soon."

Dessie's face paled. "But I'd make a horrible prostitute!"

"At least she knows it," I reasoned.

"Prostitution is for average looking women who can't make money anywhere else – I'm far too gorgeous for such a job! Why don't you make Hannah and Kate prostitutes and keep me?"

"Shut up," snapped Kakuzu irritably.

"Make me."

[Insert violent scene involving Dessie being attacked my multiple tentacles coming out of Kakuzu's body. She eventually gives in and agrees to become a prostitute. This maintaining Rule Number Three: always obey Kakuzu, because he scared the shit out of everyone he meets and he _means_ business.]

So, to make a long story short, after Hidan had healed from Dessie's attack, the six of us made out way back to the village where the three of us would meet our doom. Kakuzu happily made the exchange with the brothel (he did earn a good twelve thousand, though Kate still claims we're worth at least twice that).

"Don't leave us here!" cried Kate, grabbing hold of Konan's cloak and refusing to let go. "I'm too young for this life!"

"Let go of her, bitch," snarled Hidan, kicking Kate's hand away. "Be glad it's this rather than death. Merciful Leader took pity on you and spared your worthless lives – Jashin-sama would not have been so kind."

"Warg looks upon your pitiful Jashin and laughs!" screamed Dessie, pointing at Hidan and shaking her finger violently. "I will break free of this prison one day – by the will of Warg I shall! And when I do…" She smiled. "You and your pitiful Jashin will be going _down_."

Everyone stared at her.

"Um…Dessie…" I said.

"Yeah?"

"You do know that Warg is a god you made up a couple of hours ago just to spite Hidan, right?"

She gasped. "Hannah! You heathen! How dare you speak ill of Warg! Repent! Repent! Or you will end up like that sinner of there!" She pointed in Hidan's general direction.

Konan sighed heavily and said to me pityingly, "Sometimes it's better just to let them go. They'll learn one day."

"Jashin-sama will destroy your pitiful Warg!" shouted Hidan and Kakuzu lead him away by the arm, determined to leave us behind as fast as possible. Konan followed swiftly, with a wave in our direction.

"Have fun!" she called out.

And there, at the Brothel of Muses, the three Akatsuki members abandoned us (quiet gleefully in Hidan's case) in a hell of perverted men.


	4. Assassination Gone Wrong

**Chapter Four: Assassination Gone Wrong**

**_Rule Number Four: Always lie to save your ass from destruction – the Akatsuki are gullible enough to believe it! _**

**Dessie**

After being sold to a brothel by the fearful Akatsuki organization, I had somehow managed to mentally persuade myself that being a prostitute was a good thing. I sat by myself for a long time and convinced myself that the men who would come and buy me would be hot, gorgeous young men with a lot of money. And eventually one of them would fall in love with me and marry me.

So, when my first customer came, I was rather excited. I mean, who wouldn't want to give her first time to a hot rich guy (never mind he was a pervert). However, I took one look at the face of my customer and knew that my deceptions were not nearly good enough.

He was old… and ugly… With long, spiky white hair and a wart on the side of his nose. It just grossed me out. And the pervert was eyeing me rather _lustily_. Now, I know I am devilishly attractive, but this was just ridiculous. Especially when the guy lunged at me with his arms outstretched…

"Ugly."

With that, I kicked him in his weak spot and left.

It was pretty easy to find Hannah and Kate after that. Kate was in the room where loud screams and the sound of running were coming from. I kicked open the door and found Kate sprinting around the room and shrieking like a banshee while she tried to avoid her customer. I took one look at the ugly pervert before punching his jaw in.

Hannah was standing outside her room when I came by. I didn't want to know what terrors she did to her man to avoid sex. Whatever it was, it was not 'kinky'.

"We're going," said Hannah bluntly.

Kate wiped tears out of her eyes and nodded. "I don't like being a whore."

"Nope. Not that desperate."

And with that, the three of us made our way towards the exit of the brothel. Unfortunately, our path was blocked by the biggest, fattest pervert I have ever seen. He was probably a sumo wrestler or something along those lines. He towered over us, gazing down with squinty eyes. He was ugly. And that was that mattered.

"Get the hell out of my way," I snarled.

"Get back to your rooms," he snapped, in his deep, gravely voice. "I paid for you! You're going to work."

"Over my dead body, Fat-ass!"

He charged at me, and I side-stepped out of the way. Kate screamed and ran outside while he was occupied with me. Hannah just watched from the sidelines.

I tried punching the fatso, but his layers of flesh simply absorbed the punch and it had no affect. I then had to duck his next attack. My kicks didn't work either and I found myself running away, barely able to defend.

"Hannah!" I cried out desperately. "Help!"

She heard my call.

_BANG_!

The fatso collapsed to the floor in a heap, Hannah standing over his fallen body holding a heavy metal frying pan in her hands.

"Where did you get that?" I asked.

She shrugged. "One of the prostitutes had it – for the very _unruly_ customers." Hannah handed it back to one of the whores who smiled and gave the fallen fatso a kick in the head.

"He doesn't seem very popular," Hannah observed.

We made our way outside to find Kate cowering under a restaurant table on the opposite side of the street. She saw that we were safe and the fatso was gone and, slowly, she slid out from underneath and smiled. "Is it over."

"Yep. No thanks to you!" I said cheerfully.

She glanced at the ground ashamedly. "But I can't fight…"

"Whatever," said Hannah. "What are we going to do now? We're stuck in a strange world with no way home…"

"Strange world?" asked Kate.

"Yeah. Can't you tell? It just…feels like a strange world. And they don't know what the Earth is…"

Kate and I nodded in agreement. We felt it too, the differentness of this place. There was no denying that this was not our home and that, by some miracle, we were now standing in a whole new world.

"So…this world might be nothing like our old one!" Kate exclaimed suddenly. "Like what if this world is…" She paused for dramatic effect. "Flat."

"Blasphemy!" I cried.

"Well…" said Hannah thoughtfully. "It's not entirely impossible."

"The world is round! Round I tell you! Spherical! Flat is a lie, damn you!"

"Dessie… Please don't lose your head. Anyways, we know this world is different. There's a bunch of crazy criminals with magical powers walking around, and they want to kill us – or sell us to a brothel. We should lie low for awhile and figure out how to get home…"

"You can go lie low," I snarled. "I am going to go kill the Akatsuki!"

They stared at me.

"What?" gasped Kate. "You're going to go kill the very criminals who want us dead and sold us to a whore house?"

"Yep. Revenge! They will rue the day they ever tried to mess with Desdemona Lee!" I grinned. "So who's with me?"

Hannah let out a snort of laughter. "You're on your own, Psycho Bitch."

"But…Hannah…"

"Don't but me. I don't want involved in any of your psycho schemes – they usually end with getting arrested or gigantic explosions."

I giggled. "But that's what makes them fun."

"No."

"Fine," I snapped. "I'll go murder the Akatsuki on my own. You can stay here and rot of boredom for all I care." And with that, I turned on my heels and stormed off in the opposite direction.

"Dessie!" shouted Kate. "The Akatsuki base is this way!"

I spun around. "I knew that!" And then I marched in the direction that Kate was pointing.

"We'd better go with her, Hannah," said Kate with a sigh. "Knowing Dessie she'll get lost half way and end up falling in a hole and dying. I don't like imagining Dessie as a skeleton…"

"Argh!" cried Hannah, throwing up her hands in the air. "Why do I try?"

And so, without further discussion, the three of us made our way through the forests and hills back to the Akatsuki hideout to go try and kill all the criminals that tried to kill us – karma at its best.

* * *

><p>The Akatsuki hideout is amazingly easy to sneak into. I think that's because they are so confident that no one can find it that they don't bother to guard it properly. However, because the Akatsuki couldn't be bothered blindfolding us when we made our trip to the brothel, my friends and I were able to easily find our way back and sneak in.<p>

On our hike, we had discussed who we should kill first. I had suggested Hidan (to no one's surprise), but Hannah recommended Kakuzu (since he would be the hardest to kill and a sneak-attack would be the best method to exterminate him with). Kate had agreed with all the suggestions, thinking that the world would be a better place if any one of them was dead.

So, we found ourselves slipping through the corridors of the hideout, trying to find Kakuzu without anyone seeing us.

"Do you think he's in his room?" I asked in an undertone.

"Maybe…" murmured Hannah. "Do you remember where it was?"

"Er…that way? Or maybe that way? I think…perhaps there…"

"Never mind."

We continued walking, until we found a doored that look as though it might possibly lead to Kakuzu's room. So, tentatively, we turned the door handle and slipped inside.

The sight within was enough to give us nightmares for months on end.

Zetsu was in the middle of changing.

And with Zetsu, it is hard to tell where the plant began and the human ended.

I screamed.

Hannah turned away.

Kate opened the door.

We all fled.

Right into Deidara.

Up until that moment I, personally, had never spoken a word to Deidara before. Hannah, however, had spent multiple hours being interrogated by him and from standing between them for two seconds I could tell – their relationship was not good.

"What do you want, fur ball?" snapped Hannah.

Deidara stared.

"What?"

"What are you doing here? Aren't you meant to be whoring it out in some brothel?"

"Don't talk about us in the same terms as you," said Hannah. "We discovered that brothels are not quite our cup of tea. So, the owner decided to send us back – don't worry, he says you can keep the money."

Deidara muttered under his breath, "We should have put a no-returns label on you, uhn."

"Deidara-senpai! You have company…"

From around the corridor Tobi appeared… and he was skipping. He caught sight of the three of us talking to Deidara and his one visible eye widened in horror. Then, it crinkled into a smile. "Hannah and Dessie have returned – Tobi missed them!"

He hugged us.

Needless to say, I kicked him in the kneecap and hid behind Kate (who, by the way, looked quite heartbroken that Tobi would not give her a hug – she doesn't seem to know how lucky she is).

"But what are Hannah and Dessie doing back?" asked Tobi, massaging his kneecap. "Kakuzu said he sold them to a brothel."

"He did," I said cheerfully. "But we came back."

"To kill us most likely," muttered Deidara.

I couldn't argue with that.

"I wonder if Leader will let me keep them as pets this time," said Tobi thoughtfully. Then he smiled. "Let's go see Leader!" And, before Hannah or I could protest, he picked us up and carried us on his shoulders down the hallway to Leader's office with Deidara and Kate hurried in our wake.

Tobi was surprisingly strong despite his looks. He carried the weigh of Hannah and me as if we were feathers and carried us for a good three minutes. He kicked open the door of the office and dropped us to the floor in front of Leader's desk. Busy with work, both Leader and Konan looked up to stare at us, unable to believe their eyes.

"Thought you got rid of them," said Leader stiffly.

"We did…" murmured Konan.

"They came back!" exclaimed Tobi.

"To kill us." (Deidara)

"Not to kill you!" cried out Kate. "We would never want to kill you! We just want to get home and this is the only place we have connections to home from!"

I have to say I was impressed. I had never pictured Kate to be the one to lie on the spot, but here we are, and she was doing a better job of it than Hannah or I was.

"We escaped from the brothel," explained Hannah. "So you can keep the money and we'll keep our freedom… We don't want to kill you; we just want to find a way home."

And so, I add Lesson Number Four to the survival guide: lying goes a long way in the Akatsuki, and the best part is they're gullible enough to believe it!

Suddenly, Konan spoke: "What if…we were to let them stay here…"

"Konan…" said Leader warningly.

"And every once and awhile, when we're tight on money, we'll sell them to a whore house. Then, they'll escape and come back and we'll still have the money!"

Leader considered this and, I have to say, this was a rather ingenious plan. Leader seemed to think so too, because he agreed to it. Hannah, Kate, and I were to stay with the Akatsuki with the condition that we would be sold to brothels on occasion. Compared to the option of death, this seemed a pretty good deal (we didn't realize how wrong we were until later). And so, that is the story how the three of us became fake Akatsuki whores. From there on the tale only gets more insane.


	5. All Out Warfare

**A/N: I bet you all are happy - I'm on an update roll. However! Please review. Please review every chapter... What is mayeb ten seconds of your time is a day of happiness for me. Each review fills me with warm joy that makes my toes tingle and makes me smile so please, please, please review!**

**Other than that, read, review, and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Five: All Out Warfare <strong>

**_Rule Number Five: Don't repeat any of the things done in this chapter – they have a tendency to piss Leader off and set divine punishment upon us all. _**

**Kate**

Hello wonderful readers and welcome back to my oh-so-charismatic point of view. The next interesting part of the story takes place three days after our return to the Akatsuki hideout (we spent the first few days cowering in fear in our shared bedroom, absolutely afraid that they would murder us). So, one early morning, I decided to get up and make breakfast in hopes of getting the Akatsuki on my good side…And hence, I present to you, Rule Number Five: Don't repeat any of the things done in this chapter, they have dastardly consequences.

I found my way into the Akatsuki kitchen at around 5:30 a.m. and decided (looking at the scarce ingredients in the cupboard) was that oatmeal was about the only breakfast I could make. So, I set about concocting a gigantic pot of oatmeal on the stove.

The only issue is that Kisame is an early riser. And, at 5:41 a.m. he comes strolling into the kitchen, huge, spiky sword and all.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Cooking breakfast…"

"And who said you could cook breakfast?"

I stirred the pot of oatmeal awkwardly. "No one…I just wanted to do something nice for the Akatsuki…"

Kisame looked scandalized at the use of the word 'nice' – apparently it is taboo amongst the Akatsuki. Instead of commenting on it, however, he walked over and peering into the pot curiously. "What are you making?"

"Oatmeal."

"Disgusting."

"Oh…" I continued stirring, unsure what to do about this.

Kisame walked over to the fridge and began rummaging around in the shelves. Behind me, he began chopping something up and, within a few minutes, he returned to my side to dump something into the gray-brown oatmeal.

"What are you doing!" I cried, trying to get all the little pink bits out of my food.

"It needs some fish…"

"What are you?" I wailed. "A cannibal!"

"I am related to a _shark_," he explained impatiently. "Sharks eat fish. It is _not_ cannibalism!"

"Waaaaaaah!" I tried to dump as much of the fish out of the oatmeal as possible. "You ruined it! They'll kill me! No one wants to eat fish oatmeal!"

Kisame ignored my cries and tasted the oatmeal himself. He gave an approving nod and said, "It needs to be hotter."

"It'll burn if it's any hotter!"

But Kisame was already moving to the pantry and a minute later he returned with a little red bottle labeledTabasco. "Not that kind of hot, stupid." And then Kisame dumped the whole bottle into the oatmeal. "Delicious!"

"They're gonna kill me…"

"Damn right we are - Kisame, what are you doing?"

I spun around, hoping to see some reasonable person in the doorway of the kitchen, but, to my great misfortune, the next early riser at the Akatsuki was Deidara. He wasn't wearing his Akatsuki cloak for once, but rather a black t-shirt and green pants, looking more as if he were an army-chick than a big, bad criminal.

Kisame did not look more delighted than me at the arrival of Deidara and, in response to Deidara's question, he simply said, "We're cooking."

"I am _not_ eating another seafood dish as long as I live!" cried Deidara. Without another word, he walked over to our pot of hot seafood oatmeal and chucked a ball of clay in there. Before Kisame and I could stop him, Deidara raised his hands and said, "Katsu!"

Good-bye oatmeal.

"You idiot!" exclaimed Kisame, rushing over to the stove and creating hand-signs as quickly as possible so that water appeared to put the flames out. "You could burn the whole hideout down!"

"It would be art!" shouted Deidara triumphantly.

I stared. "Art?"

"That's right! The art of an explosion! A brief, fleeting flash and then – BOOM – the world goes up in smoke!" He laughed. "ART IS A BANG!"

I edged closer to Kisame and cowered behind his gigantic sword. "He's a little…off…isn't he?"

"A little?" asked Kisame. "Deidara! You ruined my breakfast! Fix it!"

"Fix what?"

"Food!" Kisame drew his sword and pointed it in the direction of Deidara. "Feed me of I'll murder you where you stand."

Deidara pulled out a wad of clay and shaped it into the image of a bird. He grinned at Kisame and raised two fingers in the air, ready to fight. "Make me, asshole!"

I was saved from a full out war in the middle of the Akatsuki kitchen by the arrival of Itachi. He was the only Akatsuki member present to be dressed in his official cloak and his black hair was ruffled with bed head, the backing sticking up in a fashion that reminded me distinctly of a cockatoo's backside. He stood a good six inches shorter than Kisame, but his mere presence was enough to get Kisame to back down from a fight. Deidara, on the other hand, did not back down, but rather switched targets so that he was now aiming to kill Itachi.

"Die, you over grown weasel–"

But before Deidara could get within two inches of Itachi, Itachi had nailed him to the ground and was now standing over Deidara with one foot on the blond fur ball's head.

"No fighting at six in the morning."

"Bull shit!" shouted Deidara, in face smashed against the floor. "I'll kick your ass at any hour of the day!"

"I can see what a fine example of that you're setting," snickered Kisame.

"Shut up!"

"Now," said Itachi evenly. "Why is everyone in the kitchen at this hour?"

Kisame shrugged. "Kate was making oatmeal and I decided to improve it. Then, Deidara came and blew the whole thing up."

"Good," said Itachi, "I am not eating another one of your seafood dishes as long as I live." Then, he turned to me and I shrunk behind Kisame, hoping that Itachi would kill him before me. Itachi did nothing, however, but simply said, "Stay out of the kitchen." And with then, Itachi turned around and left, leaving me alone in a kitchen with Kisame and Deidara.

"Now what do we do?" grumbled Deidara.

"Go back to your room."

"I can't…Tobi's up and he wants to play 'House' – and he wants me to be the mommy. What the hell is he thinking!"

Kisame let out a snort of laughter. "Go place 'House' with Tobi. I'm sure he's just _dying_ to play with his senpai."

"Shut up, Fish Fry!"

"What did you just call me!"

"You heard me, you no-good, dirty-rotten shark bait!" said Deidara, preparing another ball of clay.

Kisame drew is sword. "You try saying that one more time, you blond headed motherf–"

"ITACHI!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"Where?"

Both Kisame and Deidara twisted around, trying to catch sight of the non-existent Itachi in the room. Then, realizing they had been fooled, both men rounded on me, their eyes flashing in anger.

"Kate…What are you doing?" snarled Kisame. "That word is forbidden in this kitchen."

"That's right, bitch," said Deidara, taking a step closer to me. "You say that one more time and I'll blow you brain to bits and fry it up for dinner as some of Kisame's famous sushi."

I stared. Kisame was waving his sword around inches from my face and Deidara was creating another clay masterpiece. I stared at them for about two seconds and then, at 6:06 a.m., I spun around and sprinted out of the kitchen screaming like a banshee.

"Wait! Bitch! Freeze!"

The sound of Deidara and Kisame chasing me echoed through the hallways behind me. My heart was racing, and my feet were pounding, already my gasps were coming out as huge, raspy breaths.

"Hannah! Dessie!" I screamed. "Save me!"

_SLAM_!

My head met skull as I ran full-force into another human being. The two of us went toppling to the ground in a mess of arms and legs. Deidara and Kisame screeched to a halt in front of us, unable to differentiate one from the other. I groaned, and managed to push the other person off of me only to see a bulk of long, brown hair.

"Hannah!" I gasped.

"Kate…" She said dizzily, rubbing her forehead irritably.

"What are you doing running through the hallways so early in the morning?" I asked cheerfully.

"Tobi showed up in our room wanting to play house…"

"See!" shouted Deidara, pointing at her. "Tobi's fucking insane!"

"…he wanted me to be the daughter of him and Deidara…" She glanced up at Deidara and scowled. "As if I'd want to be related to the blond fur ball!"

"Shut up, bitch!" snapped Deidara, grabbing her by the wrist and pull her to her feet. "You should be honored to die in art" And, much to our horror, he stuffed a wad of clay in the mouth and raised two fingers. "K–"

"Hannah! Kate!"

Before Deidara could get the word out Dessie, in all her bad-temper youth, came flying through the hallways at top speed and slammed into Deidara's side. The two of them went crashing to the ground as Zetsu came rushing along the corridor after Dessie.

I helped Hannah pull the wad of clay out of her mouth and threw it as Deidara while he disentangled himself from Dessie.

"What the hell is going on here?" asked Kisame, looking from Zetsu to Dessie and back.

"He tried to _eat_ me!" cried Dessie. "One moment I have having a sweet dream about giant man-eating bats feasting on the Zombie Whore and then I feel something nibbling on my arm and I wake up to see this freak helping himself!" She waved her arm in our faces and sure enough there was a set of bite marks just below her elbow.

"Damn Zetsu! I didn't know you have such bad taste!"

Everyone turned around to see Hidan and Kakuzu walking down the hall way to see what all the commotion was. Hidan was glowering at Dessie and her back at him, both ready to start a fight at any second.

"Shut up, Zombie Whore!" snapped Dessie. "Or Warg will have his vengeance!"

"Who the hell is Warg?" asked Kisame.

"My god!" snapped Dessie. "He shall kick the ass of Jashin and turn all you heathens into ashes!" (insert evil laugh here)

"Die you anti-Jashin bitch!"

"Ten bucks on Psycho Bitch for the win!" shouted Hannah. "She's got the fire power."

"You're on!"

"They're all fucking insane…" muttered Kakuzu.

And then, before Hidan and Dessie could properly kill each other, there was a flash of lightning through out the hall way. Everyone froze, looking about confusedly. Then, in the middle of the lightning storm, stood Leader in all his orange punk rage, and, of course, at his side was the ever present angel.

"What is going on here?" asked Leader.

Silence.

"Er…well…" Kisame shifted about awkwardly. "We were just having a little bit of fun…"

"_Fun_?" asked Hannah incredulously.

"Like I could ever have fun with these bitches," scoffed Deidara.

Leader just stared at everyone silently, his eyes cold with hatred. Then, he turned around and started walking away. "Meeting. In ten minutes. You're late. You die. End of story."

And then he and Konan disappeared.

Needless to say, everyone was at the meeting on time.

* * *

><p>Leader stood at the head of the room with Konan at his side. The ten other people in the room were staring up at him quietly, waiting to hear his sentence.<p>

"Now," began Leader. "It has come to my attention that you all have _pent up energy_ inside of you. So, I have concluded that the best way to get rid of this excess energy is to send you all on some missions."

"All right!" cried Dessie, pumping her fist in the air. "We get hide out all to ourselves!"

"_All_ of you on some missions," repeated Leader. "That includes you three."

"Eh?" I cried. "But we're not shinobi!"

"You'll each go with a pair of Akatsuki members and learn. But Konan and I cannot put up with one more minute of you shenanigans!"

Dessie giggled. "He said shenanigans."

"Shut up!" Leader massaged his temples and sighed heavily. "I'm getting gray far too early. Now, listen up! You will go on missions. You will travel in groups of three. And you will bring everyone back alive – understand?" He glared at Kakuzu and Hidan in particular.

"We want Hannah!" shouted Kisame loudly.

"No way!" snapped Kakuzu, rounding on him. "I want the quiet one!"

"She's ours! You always get the quiet ones!"

"What the hell!" cried Kakuzu, grabbing Hidan by the collar so that Kisame could get a good look at him. "Does this look like a quiet one to you!"

"Let me go, Kakuzu you asshole!" snapped Hidan.

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!" (this was Leader)

"I have already decided your groups and your missions. No arguing. Firstly, Hidan and Kakusu, you will be taking Hannah to go capture the two-tails–"

"Fuck yeah!" cried Hidan. "We get the quiet one."

Leader glared at him until Hidan was silent again, quelling under Leader's ferocious stare. Apparently even the Akatsuki had to follow Rule Number One (listen to the Akatsuki members).

"Secondly, Deidara and Tobi, you will be taking Kate and capturing the three-tailed giant turtle. And Kisame and Itachi – you will be left with Dessie to capture the four-tailed monkey. That leaves Konan, Zetsu, and I to work in silence at the base…"

Kisame groaned. "Why do we get the violent one?"

Dessie giggled. "Hottie…"

I could have sworn that Itachi cowered behind Kisame at the sight of Dessie drooling (I can't say I blame him – even insane criminals like the Akatsuki have a fear of stalker fan girls).

So, after a morning of explosions, screaming, and all-out warfare, the twelve of us were divided into groups of three and unleashed upon the world. And, like always, this decision had…disastrous…consequences. Maybe one day Leader will learn…


	6. All Hell Gets Loose

**A/N: YAY! Ten reviews! And a huge thank you to Yuti-Chan for you wonderful reviews (she is a model reader). Anyways, thanks to all of you who reviewed, it was greatly appreciated. And will you please, please tell me any couple suggestions, because I really am lost in this direction... **

**Other than that, read, review, and enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter Six: All Hell Gets Loose<strong>

**_Rule Number Six: Ran fast, it saves a lot of unnecessary deaths._**

**Hannah**

Good afternoon dear readers and welcome to my retelling of my little 'adventure' with Kakuzu and Hidan. It was…hmm…how should I put it? Interesting.

I'll skip out all the boring details of us running through forest to get toLandofLightning. Basically, it took a about a week to get there (Kakuzu was often side tracked on bounty hunting trips), but we did.

The Two-Tailed Cat is one of the tailed beasts (which for those of you who don't know are gigantic monsters possessing enormous amounts of strength. The Akatsuki are trying to kidnap them for their evil purposes. Yay…) Anyways, the Two-Tailed Cat's junchuriki is a woman by the Yugito Nii from theLandofLightning. The three of us have to kidnap her alive and bring her back to the hideout to have her beast sucked out of her. Fun times.

And so, I'll take off from the point where the three of us are sitting at a bar. Hidan and Kakuzu are, of course, drinking sake. I, unfortunately, am underage and have to sit here and watch them get drunk.

"Aren't we going to get on with the mission?" I asked after about the fourth bottle of sake.

"Who cares about the stupid mission?" asked Hidan a little shakily (apparently he isn't a good drinker). "Leader was just trying to send us out so he could fool around with Konan when nobody's looking…" He giggled.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes and had another sip of sake. Unlike Hidan, he seemed unaffected by the alcohol and continued drinking steadily. Until, finally, Hidan passed out on the table, his head making a clunking sound as it hit the wood.

"Great…" I grumbled. "Now we'll never get the mission done."

"Is he unconscious?" asked Kakuzu, kicking Hidan in the knee under the table. "Yep. Good." Kakuzu rose from the table and picked up Hidan so that the man was slumped over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "Let's find a place to dump the body and then go find this stupid jinchuriki."

"Wait…" I said slowly, chasing after Kakuzu. "You knocked him out on purpose?"

"Of course. I'm not going through another mission with this piece of shit."

Yes, Kakuzu is complete insane – possibly more insane than Hidan himself (and that is saying something). But, I obeyed Kakuzu's every word and we found a spot behind an old restaurant to dump Hidan's body while the two of us set out to find the Two-Tails.

"Where would she be?" I asked curiously.

Kakuzu shrugged.

"So then how are we going to find her?"

He shrugged again.

"Are we just going to walk around in circles until we find the stupid bitch!" I cried in frustration.

There was a load crash as the door of a bar flew open and two people came storming outside. One was a short man with dark colored hair and another a tall woman with long honey-blond hair pulled back in a ponytail. The man was shouting angrily at his partner:

"I totally wiped out the most bad-guys on that mission, Yugito, and you know it! Just because you're the Two-Tails jinchuriki does not automatically make you a better shinobi than me!"

…

"Oh."

Kakuzu laughed. "Shall we get hunting?"

"You would think," I said heavily. "That these people would have the sense to be a little quieter about their situation…"

"They're all idiots," agreed Kakuzu.

* * *

><p>Now, just to make this clear to you dear readers, out of the three of us, Kate, Dessie, and me, I am probably the second fittest. Kate, as you already know, is a softy and a weakling and Dessie has mastered every time of martial arts imaginable. So, you ask, where does that leave me? Well, back inTexasbefore we wound up here, I ran track. And I was pretty damn good at it.<p>

So, when Kakuzu and I found ourselves chasing after Yugito Nii down a very long, very complicated series of sewer passageways I found that my past experience on the track team extremely useful.

"Shit," I hissed, after a good twenty minutes of running. "How long is she going to run for? Is this a shinobi?"

"She's leading us somewhere…" muttered Kakuzu.

"A trap?" I asked, disbelievingly.

"Most likely."

"And we're just going to let ourselves be caught in it?"

Kakuzu shrugged (his signature move). "What's the harm in that?"

"Er…welll…" I stammered, trying to force the words out. "We're not all near-immortals like you… I could _die_ from this you know…"

"What's the harm in that?"

"Oh. Right. I forgot I'm partnered up with the heartless bastard – and yes, I do see the irony in that statement." I glared at Kakuzu and was surprised to see his lips twitch in semi-amusement.

"Good to know you're not completely stupid."

Yugito turned into a small, underground chamber, slamming the door closed behind her. Kakuzu and I slipped inside after her. The chamber was roughly the size of a small house with no exit other than the one we had just come through. Yugito stood at the far end of the chamber, regarding us with hate-filled eyes.

"Akatsuki…" she hissed.

Kakuzu grunted, but said nothing in reply.

Then, Yugito caught sight of me and her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "_She's_ not Akatsuki."

Kakuzu glanced at me, and then turned back to Yugito with a shrug. "She's a stray cat who wound up wandering our hallways. She's here to get rid of pent up energy – be glad you're going to die in useful ways."

Yugito ignored Kakuzu's last statement and, instead, said to me, "A stray cat, eh? Well that makes two of us – I'm regret killing another cat, but you're in cahoots with the Akatsuki. So, little kitty, sorry and good-bye."

And with that, the door behind Kakuzu and I exploded.

The force of the blast sent us flying across the room. My body skidded along the concrete floor to the feet of Yugito. Blood dripped down the scraps on my shoulder and knees. The pain was unbelievable and, unlike Kakuzu who got up two seconds after the fall, I lay there, shuddering in pain.

"She's not a shinobi," observed Yugito in mild surprise.

I cringed and she bent over, grabbed me roughly by the shoulder, and hauled me to my feet. We stood nose to nose and I found myself surprised at how pretty the Two-Tails was. She had a gentle face, with long, aristocratic features and bright colored eyes. I was almost jealous of her casual beauty – that was until she lifted her kunai and tried to stab me in the heart.

Kakuzu saved me (believe it or not). Before Yugito could bury her kunai into my flesh, Kakuzu leapt forward and snatched me from her grip. I guess Leader's threats work and he was determined to bring me back alive.

Then, of course, Kakuzu threw me on the ground rather harshly and said, "It'd be pathetic to die at the hands of a bitch like that – can you at least _try_ to be useful?"

"Well I can't help it!" I cried, wiping the blood from my knees. "I'm not a shinobi!"

Yugito didn't give us time to chat, however, and she lunged forward. Her hands transformed in mid air and blue-fire glowed around her skin, extending into a pair of long, sharp claws where her hands should have been.

"What the hell!" I yelp, rolling out of the way of her attack.

There was no need for me to move, however, since Kakuzu's tentacles caught her by the leg and threw her across the room. She slammed against the stone wall letting out a whimper of pain. For a moment, she didn't move, lying there silently covered in dust and rubble from the now cracked wall.

"Is she dead?" I asked hopefully.

Kakuzu took a step towards her, his tentacles seeping out and his skin detaching itself from his body. "Either way I'll eat her heart."

_Slam_!

Yugito jerked her leg up into the air and caught Kakuzu in the shoulder. The force of her kick sent him flying backwards and she jumped to her feet, grinning maniacally. "Cat's have nine lives, baby!"

I groaned. "Not another lame catchphrase…"

Yugito whipped around to stare at me, watching out of the corner of her eye as Kakuzu rose to his feet. "Did you just call my catchphrase lame, bitch?"

"Yeah, yeah." I grumbled.

Kakuzu was smiling (or as much as a freak like him can smile). Apparently he was quite calm to sit back and watch Yugito kick my ass.

Yugito's body was starting to expand and the blue-fire around her was beginning to resemble a cat. She was crouched down on all fours, regarding me with bloodshot eyes. When she spoke, her voice came out a low hiss like that of a feline. "Die, bitch!"

She charged at me and, like the brave heroine I was, I screamed and ran out of the way.

"What the…"

Yugito looked stunned – apparently screaming and fleeing was no something prey normally did. But an instant later she had recovered from the initial shock and was chasing me down again. I sprinted in circles at full speed, trying desperately to avoid her sharp claws. Rule Number Six: Run fast, other you will be very, very dead very, very quickly.

"Kakuzu!" I wailed. "Save me!"

"Why?"

I glared and dodged another flying attack of Yugito's. "Because Leader will kill you if I die!"

"Then live."

"Kak–"

And then all hell broke loose.

Literary in the sense that Hidan came crashing down into the chamber through the stone ceiling – and, with rocks and debris raining down on the three of us like a hailstorm, Hidan was _not_ in a good mood. He stood in the middle of the ruckus and glowered at the room, his eyes searching through the mess of a ceiling for the familiar face of his companion.

"Kakuzu!" screamed Hidan, slamming his scythe against the nearest rock and shattering it to pieces. "How dare you abandon me like that, you shithead! I was the one meant to kill the bitchy Two-Tails – you _dare_ knock me out with sake and leave me outside a fucking ramen restaurant!"

Kakuzu shrugged. "Yeah."

"Die, Shithead!"

"Wait!"

Before Hidan could slice off Kakuzu's head with a scythe, I raised my hand and yelled out the word again, "WAIT!"

They both turned to stare at me.

"What do you want, bitch?" asked Hidan.

"Before you two try and kill each other again," I mumbled. "Can we please capture the Two-Tails – I don't want to return to Leader empty handed."

They both considered this.

"Hell yeah!" cried Hidan, completely forgetting about his intentions to kill Kakuzu. "Jashin-sama's getting _hungry_!"

The next few scenes of the battle need to be described. They are particularly gory (for all of you who know of Hidan's rituals, you'll understand what I mean – for those of you who have no idea what Hidan's ritual's look like…consider yourself lucky). In the end, Kakuzu and Hidan successfully captured the Two-Tails. Hidan would say that it was all thanks to him and that Jashin-sama was very appeased, but Kakuzu and I know who was really behind the Two-Tail's capture (we'll just let Hidan keep pretending).

So, with the Two-Tails bound and unconscious, Kakuzu slung her over his shoulder (a popular way to travel in the Akatsuki apparently) and the three of us began the long and tiring march back to the Akatsuki hideout.

I nthe back of my mind, I could not help but wonder how Dessie and Kate's missions were going. Hopefully, no one had managed to kill them yet (though we all know Kisame and Itachi will _try_).


	7. A Fight With A Stranger

**A/N: Well, the number of reviews certainly increased. It made me very happy, especially after my disasterous Easter where I set my hair on fire (it's okay, it's not noticable). On a happier note, I would liek to thank je suis folle de toi and Yuti-Chan who reviewed every chapter - they are the ideal readers - let's all give them around of appreciation and a moment of awed silence ... YAY! HAPPY EASTER TO YOU ALL!**

**Anyways, read, review, and ENJOY!**

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><p><strong>Chapter Seven: A Fight With A Stranger<strong>

**_Rule Number Seven: Don't be like Dessie._**

**Dessie**

Who? Itachi, Kisame, and I. What? Were walking through the streets of a festival. Where? TheLandofWater. When? 11:24 a.m. Why? To try and find the Four-Tails jincuriki. Was I having fun? Hell no!

Itachi and Kisame could possibly be the most boring pair in the Akatsuki. Itachi was dead silent for almost the entire trip, speaking when only necessary, and Kisame spent the entire time chasing after busty women (the stupid pervert). So, for the two days we spent in the city searching for the Four-Tails, I hopelessly and pathetically _bored_.

On the third day of our search, a festival happened to be taking place in the streets. So, with nothing better to do, the three of us made our way down to the city and began to have a little fun. Itachi gave me a spending limit (the tight-fisted prick) and headed off on his own to go find the jinchuriki.

"I think Itachi's a workaholic," I muttered to Kisame.

He glanced in the direction of his partner's retreating back and grinned. "It's because he doesn't get _enough_. He needs something to distract him."

"You sick freak," I muttered. "Oh look! Carnival games!"

I pointed in the direction of a festival booth, where several children crowded around the water with little paper nets, trying to capture gold fish. Eagerly I started in the direction of the game, but Kisame caught me by the shoulder.

"No. There is no way in heaven or hell that I am going to sit next to a tub of water and try and catch fishes next to hoards of squealing little kids!"

"But it's fun!"

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Pretty please with a cheery on top!"

"No."

Kisame ended up sitting next to a tub of water trying to capture goldfish in a paper net squished between little kids. I have to say I found the sight highly enjoyable. He was absolutely terrible at fishing, and every time he got close to catching a fish, the net broke. Around his, the little kids would catch one sooner or later and would leave, only to replace by more little kids.

"God damnit!" cried Kisame, trying his net on the ground. "I am going to get one of these stupid fish!"

I grinned and waggled my own water-filled bag with a little goldfish swimming around in it. "What are you going to do, Kisame?"

He gripped both edges of the tub and, with a glare in my direction, dunking his head into the water. The little kids around him screamed and jumped backwards saying, "A shark! There's a shark in the water!" A minute later, Kisame emerged, water dripping down his face and hair. In his mouth several little gold fish flopped around, trying desperately to escape.

"Ifiniotuf" he grunted.

"What?"

He swallowed the several fish whole and repeated, "I think I got enough."

"You cheated."

"I'm an S-rank criminal; I'm allowed to cheat." He rose from his seat beside the tub and stormed away from the game, determined never to return. I scampered after him excitedly, careful not to swing my goldfish bag too much.

The next thing I wanted to do was go try some Japanese cuisine (being stuck in a different universe, I had the right to make the most of it). However, before we reached the food section of the festival, Kisame caught sight of a 'gorgeous broad' and disappeared, leaving me standing alone with almost no money left.

"What the hell, asshole!" I screamed after him. "At least pay me back for the fish game!"

Kisame waved a careless hand behind him and continued chasing after his new woman.

Cheeks puffed out in anger, I turned back to the festival and counted my money. Maybe I could buy a very small bit of food. I approach a shop with sold octopus on a stick and had barely enough money to buy one, but the shop owner gave me a second free and I turned away, searching for a bench to sit down and enjoy me food on…

_WHAM_.

I walked right into the chest of some passer-by. The force was so great that I toppled backwards on to the ground, dropping my beloved food. The octopus sticks were immediately trampled on by passers-by and my food, regrettably, was no more.

"Oops. Sorry." The asshole who caused me to drop my food kept on walking past.

Rage blinded me (as it tends to do often) and I leapt up from the ground and grabbed the man by the back of his shirt, whipping him around to face me. He was burly guy with bright red hair sticking in all direction and a rather monkey-like face. He was dressed in purple and wore a ninja headband around his forehead.

Now, if I had been any regular sane person, I would have seen that he was a shinobi and backed off right then and there. But, as we all know, I am far, far from normal.

"Hey, asshole!" I snapped. "You just ruined my lunch."

The red-haired man glowered at me, his purple eyes flashing in rage. "What did you just say to me?"

"You heard me, asshole – or are you deaf as well as dumb?"

The man towered above me, a whole foot and a half difference between our heights. "You're a foreigner, aren't you? You don't know who I am. I'll let you off this once, but don't insult me again–"

"I don't give a shit who you are, asshole. Buy me a new lunch!"

He gritted his teeth. "I'm _trying_ to be nice."

"Then stop – because you're failing miserable. _Buy me a new lunch_!"

"Who cares about your shitty lunch – buy yourself and new one and next time look where you're going – then maybe you won't drop you lunch all over the ground!"

I twitched. "Don't you care call my lunch shitty."

"What the hell you talking about?"

"I used the very last of my money to buy those octopus sticks and you just called them shitty – die you asshole!"

And, with that ever charming statement, I drew my fist back and punched the asshole in the nose. There was the familiar sound of bone cracking beneath my fist and the man staggered backwards, clutching his nose between two fingers.

"You broke it!" he said nasally. "You broke by bose!"

I grinned and flipped him off. "You broke my lunch. And eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth! Remember that next time you try and ruin someone's lunch!"

"You bitch! Are you even 'uman!"

"Hell no, asshole! Don't put me in a group with people like you!" I turned away, already heading back down in the street in search of Kisame of Itachi. Vaguely I began to wonder if Itachi had found the Four-Tails yet.

"Nop right dere, you bitch!"

The voice, while somewhat resembling the man's from earlier, had begun to change. It grew deeper and gravelly until it eventually changed completely from screams of rage to a deep resonating roar.

I froze, halfway down the street and felt my heart come to a stop. Behind me, people were shrieking and running past me, trying to get away as fast as possibly. Slowly, I turned around to see what had happened. Instead of an angry red-haired man there stood a gigantic, red baboon baring his fangs and snarling. And, let me tell you, he was very, very pissed off.

"What the…"

And the giant baboon turned its squinty eyes on me and I _knew_ I was in trouble.

I screamed and, like the noble and brave girl I was, I turned-tail and ran like all of hell was after me. The baboon, unfortunately, came sprinting after me, its thick, hairy hind legs pounding against the ground as it ran.

I sounded something like this:

"!"

All the way through the festival I ran with the giant baboon racing after me. Stalls, carts, and people – everything went flying out of the way in a whirlwind behind me. The baboon didn't care much – his attention was focused solely on me.

"Dessie!"

My head jerked in the direction of the voice and I saw Itachi standing at little ways in front of me, his expression slightly amused.

"Save me!" I screamed. And, as I approached him, I came to a screeching halt and cowered behind his body, hoping that the baboon would lose sight of me.

"Congratulations!"

A huge, blue hand patted me roughly on the shoulder and I looked back to see Kisame standing beside me, his sword drawn and a satisfied grin on his face.

"You found the Four Tailed Beast!"

"I did?"

Itachi nodded his head in the direction of the beast's backside. Sure enough four long, monkey tails extended from above the baboon's butt. The baboon was currently standing in the middle of the festival; looking around in search of me (apparently hiding behind Itachi was a success – who would have thought).

"So are you going to beat him up now?" I asked curiously.

"Well…I don't know…" said Kisame. "Since you found him you should capture him…"

Itachi nodded in agreement. "That's how it works…While you're not exactly shinobi material, you might make a good sacrifice…"

I stared at them both, unable to believe what I was hearing. "_Me_? Capture a tailed beast? Ha…ha…ha…" And then I spun around and fled in the opposite direction.

Of course, unfortunately for me, the baboon had not forgotten my existence and the moment I left my cover behind Itachi, the baboon let out a ferocious roar and came bounding after me. And, as I fled through the crowded city streets from the Akatsuki who planned to sacrifice me and the beast who wanted to devour me one thought came to my mind – Rule Number Eight: Don't be like Dessie.

And then I made the stupidest of all stupid mistakes – I made a right turn to a dead end.

A large brick wall towered above me, mocking my soon-to-be corpse. I was trapped, like a rat in a cage, and the baboon had rounded the corner, its lips pulled back in a deadly snarl.

"Hey, buddy!" I cried, raising my hands in front of my face defensively. "Long time no see…"

His replied with an extremely loud roar.

"Apparently you're not nearly as happy to see me… Er… What's up?"

With a low, deadly growl, the baboon sauntered forward. Now, I don't know about you, but I have _never_ seen a baboon saunter. But somehow, this massive, ugly red monkey managed to pull it off – and pretty well if you ask me. Of course, if you have ever seen a gigantic baboon saunter I think you'll agree when I say it is as scary as hell!

"Hey, buddy!" I cried, somewhat desperately. "We're all friends here right? You know… I love you, you love me, we're a happy family….with a great big hug and a…kiss…from me to you…"

The baboon snarled and I gave up on the song.

"Please don't kill me!"

The baboon opened its mouth, ready to devour me whole, but then, before it could get any closer, a massive wave of water came crashing down on the baboon's head. It collapsed, unable to stand beneath the weight. Kisame hopped on top of the baboon's head from behind and grinned at me.

"Why is it that as soon as a crazy, violent bitch is faced with something big and scary, she runs away screaming?"

"Big and scary…" I muttered. "Kisame, you perv."

And then, I fainted bringing my first mission with the Akatsuki to a very successful end (note the sarcasm). On the bright side, because I was unconscious, I was carried all the way back to the Akatsuki base in the arms of a hottie (I love you ItachI! May you handsome face remain eternal!). Like they say, every cloud has a silver lining!

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><p><strong>AN: So, a last little author's note. I've gotten a lot of reviews from people saying that they wants Kate or Hannah to end up with Deidara or Tobi (which is sort of what I had in mind, so that's all good). But what surpised me was that most people said Dessie and Itachi, when I thought for sure there'd be more Dessie Hidan. Oh well, it's still not to late to add your opinion. REVIEW! **


	8. A Turtle Falls

**A/N: Well, this is actually my shortest chapter so far, but I like it. Have you all read those Mary-Sue fanfics where Deidara takes his love for a ride on his bird - well this is how it _should_ have gone. (just so you know what to expect). Thank you for all your stunning reviews last chapter, they're greatly appreciated! They made me so happy! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD Jashin-sama smiles down upon you all - and then frowns when he realizes Warg is doing the same thing.**

**Read, review, and enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter Eight: A Turtle Falls <strong>

**_Rule Number Eight: Tobi is a good boy_**

**Kate**

Hello, wonderful readers! As we all know, the story left off with the Akatsuki heading off on separate missions and, much to my horror, I wound up in a group with Deidara and Tobi. Deidara is a psychotic pyromaniac, and the hyperactive Tobi hates me for some reason. So, as we journeyed to theLandofWaterI went through five days of absolute chaos.

Firstly, the Three-Tailed Turtle has no jinchuriki at the moment, so instead of heading towards the oh-so-safe civilization, Deidara, Tobi, and I headed in the opposite direction towards a very deep, very murky lake. And, for those of you who are knew to this whole Akatsuki thing, being stuck traveling through an isolated forest with Deidara and Tobi is _not_ fun. So far Deidara had tried to blow up Tobi 23 times and Tobi had said the phrase "Tobi is a good boy" 42 times – I am about to make like an ostrich and burry my head in the dirt!

"Are we there yet, Deidara-senpai?" (this is Tobi who is whining)

"No, Tobi, we are _not_ there yet." Deidara ground his teeth.

"When will we get there?"

"We'll get there when we get there."

"And when is that?"

"NEVER, you shitty piece of shit." Deidara grabbed a piece of clay from his bag and shaped it into a sparrow, which promptly flew at Tobi, exploding inches away from Tobi's orange mask.

Correction. Deidara has tried to bow up Toby 24 times now.

And now, five minutes later:

"Are we there yet, Deidara-senpai?"

"No, Tobi, we are _not _there yet."

It is an endless cycle. And I am trapped in the middle of it.

What did I do to deservethis! Was I some kind of serial killer in my past life! Yeah…maybe that was it. I was someone like Jack the Ripper and now, as punishment, I must spend my life with these psychos to learn that killing is not the answer – _dear God, I will never harm another soul if you just get me out of this terrifying hellhole!_ God did not grant my wish. And Deidara tried to destroy yet another one of Tobi's body parts (this one was a little more personal than the face).

"Deidara-senpai, that's no fair!" squealed Tobi, clutching is vulnerable parts. "That's hitting below the belt!"

"Literally!" said Deidara cheerfully. "Now shut up before I break your ugly face!"

"But, Deidara-senpai doesn't know if Tobi's face is ugly."

"What?" Deidara looked as confused as I felt.

"Tobi wears a mask all the time, so how can Deidara-senpai know if his face is ugly or not? Tobi could be very good-looking underneath this mask."

Deidara and I stared. Then, slowly, Deidara crept closer to Tobi, reaching out a hand to grasp the mask. But, before Deidara could touch it, Tobi grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight so that the bones cracked dangerously.

"Bad Deidara-senpai!"

Deidara with drew his hand (which stuck its tongue out at Tobi) and continued hiking through the forest. I scurried after him, a little afraid to be left behind with Tobi. However, Tobi seemed to be very inclined to talk to me and for the next part of the hike, he insisted on walking beside me.

"Does Kate enjoy tramping through the woods with Tobi?" he asked.

"Er…yeah, sure…"

"Yay! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Yeah…"

"Do you think Deidara-senpai likes tramping through the woods with Kate and Tobi?" His single visible eye seemed to be pleading the answer out of me.

"I guess so…" I muttered, while Deidara twisted around and screamed, "I do not!"

"He's just shy," I added in an undertone so that Deidara couldn't hear.

"Yay!" Tobi clapped his hands excitedly. "Tobi wonders what Hannah and Dessie are up to. Would they like to go tramping through the woods with Deidara-senpai, Kate, and Tobi?"

I resisted the urge to sigh – why could I never have a conversation with Tobi without Dessie and Hannah coming up? This was obvious favoritism. "Yes, Tobi, they would love to go tramping through the woods with you."

"Yay! Next time Tobi should invite them!"

"You do that…"

"Shut up!"

Tobi and I stopped walking and stared at Deidara, but he wasn't paying attention to us. His eyes were fixed straight ahead where, through a clearing in the trees, a vast, murky-green lake sat. We pushed our ways through the last of the trees and stood at the water's edge. The lat was not ugly, though the water was not ideal, and large ripples glided across the water's surface.

"Is this it?" I asked, unable to help myself from sounding unimpressed.

"Uhn." (I suppose this is Deidara's way of saying 'yes')

"Tobi can feel something strong."

I glanced in the masked-man's direction. It was strange to see Tobi so serious, especially about something shinobi related, but, like Deidara, he was staring across the lake's glassy surface with a tense expression (I think, sicne I couldn't really see it).

"What do we do?" I asked.

Deidara turned around, regarding Tobi and I carefully. "Tobi go jump in."

"Why?"

"Because you were assigned to capture the Three-Tails. As a member of the Akatsuki, you have to do it on your own."

"But Tobi doesn't know how to swim…"

Deidara pushed him in. There was a huge splash and seconds later, Tobi resurfaced, clutching onto the edge of the lake desperately.

"Tobi can't swim!"

"Then, _learn_," snapped Deidara, kicking Tobi's head forcefully under the water. I cringed, but dared not protest, afraid that Deidara would try to kill me instead.

Soon enough, Tobi did learn how to swim and he dove beneath the lake's surface in search of the Three-Tails. Deidara and I found a nice rock to sit on (or, more accurately, we found a rock for Deidara to sit on. When I tried to use the rock as well, he shoved me on the ground and called me a "mutt"). The two of us sat in silence, over looking the lake for a good hour or so. Finally, when I had had enough of waiting, I asked:

"Do you think he drowned?"

Deidara shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"Um…a little…yes…"

"It would do the world a favor, uhn."

"Is Tobi _that_ annoying?" I asked, trying and failing to keep the conversation going. Already Deidara was losing interest.

"Uhn."

"Has he always been you partner?"

"No, uhn. Used to be a guy called Sasori until he died at the hands of some bitchy-ass chick shinobi and his old-fart grandma. Idiot – he never understood art. Thought art was meant to last forever – like I said, he was an idiot, uhn. "

"But you do?"

Deidara grinned. "Art is a bang."

The silence fell between us again and I didn't dare to move, in case Deidara took it as a threat and decided to kill me. Then, suddenly, after another half hour of waiting, Deidara rose to his feet and began making something out of clay. I grew more and more terrified with each passing second – what if he was making some clay to blow me up in? My life would become another piece in his "art" collection. But, instead, Deidara transformed his clay into a gigantic life-sized bird capable of fitting three people on its back.

"You like, uhn," said Deidara. It wasn't a question.

"Yeah…"

He hopped on the bird's back and prepared to take flight. Fear over came me and I leapt forward to grab his sleeve. I was afraid of Deidara, but I even more afraid of being left alone.

"Take me with you!"

"No, uhn. You don't appreciate my art."

"Please!"

"No."

"Leader will punish you if I die! He'll take away all your clay and put you in time out!"

Deidara scowled. "You won't die if I leave you here."

"I will! I will! I'll drown myself if I have to!"

This was lie, of course, but I wasn't about to tell Deidara this. He considered my words for a moment and then, coming to a decision, grabbed my by the wrist and hoisted me up onto the bird behind him. The bird spread its wings and took flight. Almost immediately, I threw my arms around Deidara;s waist, petrified at the sudden height change.

"Uhn. Let go of me!"

Deidara tried to pry my fingers off, but I clung on tight, certain that if I let go, I would die.

The bird took us across the lake, soaring over the glassy surface. However, I did not have time to enjoy the view since I was busy battling with Deidara. He was trying to sever my grip on him and I was trying desperately to hold on. We were stuck in the endless struggle on top of a rickety fly, clay bird – not the best situation.

"Get off me, you pervert!" cried Deidara through gritted teeth.

"No! I'll die! I'll die!"

"You'll die no matter what you do! This is sexual harassment! I'll sue you, you bitch! I'll rip out your stomach and replace it with a clay bomb and everything will explode and you guts and blood and–" (insert long series of threats here) "And you and your family and your friends and their families will all be dead with you guts used as splatter paint in my next masterpiece! That's what happens to perverts like you!"

I threw up. All over Deidara's Akatsuki robe. There is a reason I hide behind the sofa while Dessie and Hannah watch horror movies. Even the word "gore" is enough to make me vomit.

I swear, after taking one look at the green-brown vomit dripping down his robe, Deidara had every intention of killing me. He shoved me away from him, finally managing to break my grasp, and was reaching into his pouch for a ball of clay to stuff in my mouth. However, just as Deidara grabbed me by the collar and prepared to kill me…

_WAOOOOOOOSH!_

A few meters to our right, a gigantic scaly turtle came flying into the air.

It turned its amphibian head to stare at us, blinking its violet eyes in surprise. Then, it plummeted back towards the lake.

"What the hell…"

_SPLOOOOOOSH!_

An enormous wave of water sprayed at us from all directions. The force of the water slammed into, dragging me from my spot on the bird and, thankfully, saving me from Deidara's wrath. On the down side, I found myself hurtling towards the surface of the lake with no one to save me.

And then there was another "waooosh" and the turtle came flying towards the sky from below. Two strong arms wrap around me, catching me bridal-style.

The world was spinning wildly for a minute, and I focused mainly on trying not to puke again. But soon, the world came back into perspective and I managed to find the strength to open my eyes…and see this: The Three-Tailed beast is floating on top of the lake's surface, completely unconscious, with Deidara floating above on his clay bird covered in water and vomit. And, standing on top of the turtle with me in his arms was Tobi.

Rule Number Eight: Tobi is a good boy.

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><p><strong>AN: We love you Tobi! And hence, the reason why you should _never _fly on the back of one of Deidara's birds. REVIEW! WARG-SAMA (he's been upgraded) TELLS YOU TO REVIEW! **


	9. Bring Down the House

**A/N: I was originally going to wait awhile before updating this, but I just love this chapter so much that I couldn't resist. The reason I am updating so frequently now is because I'm on school break. The moment break is over, my updates will probably slow down considerably, but I will try to update at least once every two days. **

**Read, review, and enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter Nine: Bring Down the House<strong>

**_Rule Number Nine: Don't throw wild parties with the Akatsuki; they tend to party a little too well…_**

**Hannah**

Well, dear readers, you'll be happy to know (or at least I think you're happy to know) that we all arrived back at the Akatsuki hideout safe and sound – except for the jinchuriki. The tailed beasts were extracted and the two jinchuriki died. However, on a happier note, the Akatsuki members were allowed a short vacation until the next time they drove Leader mad and he decided to get rid of them.

Well, on one particular Saturday of this vacation, the Akatsuki was _bored_. They lounged about the living room with absolutely nothing to do on a blisteringly hot day. And poor Kate, Dessie, and I…we were stuck in the middle of all this.

Deidara, growing bored with the game of poker that Kakuzu and Kisame were engaged in, decided the best way to rid himself of boredom was to blow something up. Unfortunately for us, that something happened to be Tobi. The first bomb went off and there came a high pitched scream from the other side of the room. Then, Tobi came bolting over to cower behind Kate and I (Dessie was in the bathroom at this particular moment).

"Tobi is innocent! Tobi is innocent! Please don't kill Tobi, Deidara-Senpai!"

"Don't hide behind us!" I yelled, jumping out of the way.

Kate however stood completely still, her freckly face a vivid shade of red.

Inwardly, I groaned. Deidara had begun setting off little bombs which chased Tobi around the room, conveniently distracting the Akatsuki. I grabbed Kate by the arm and hauled her to the far corner of the room.

"Kate…" I said warningly.

"What is it?" she asked, recovering from her earlier blush.

"You wouldn't happen to have a _thing_ for Tobi…would you?"

Almost instantaneously, Kate's face turned to a shade that resembled a tomato and she looked at the ground nervously. "I-i-i-is it that o-o-obvious?"

"You–"

At that very moment, the door of the living room flew open and Dessie stormed inside, stretching. "Man that felt _good_!" she cried. "I needed to take a dump!"

"No one wants to hear about your affair with the toilet!" shouted Kisame over his shoulder.

"Shut up, Fish F–"

I clamped and hand over Dessie's mouth and dragged her over to the corner where Kate and I had been talking. At the sound of "Fish F–" Kisame whipped around to glare at Dessie. "What did you just say!"

"Nothing!" I called out, seemingly innocent.

"That's what I thought." Kisame returned to his game of Texas Hold 'Em (which Dessie taught them) and continued to lose to Kakuzu.

Back in our corner of the room, Kate, Dessie, and I continued to hold council.

"What do you want me for?" Dessie snapped.

"Kate has a _thing_ for Tobi."

Dessie stared. First at me, then at Kate, and finally at Tobi. "Shit, no way."

"Yes way."

Kate tried to intervene. "It's really not that big of a deal… I can l-l-like whoever I want to…"

"It _is_ a big deal," said Dessie. "We don't want Tobi to go the same way as Patrick, Dan, Steven, Mark, Henry. Jo-Jo, Eddie, Mark the second, Matt, Mattie, Oliver, Edward, Mark the third, David, Scott, Renwick…Am I missing anyone?"

"Joe, Phillip, Geoff…" I supplied.

"That's right…Oh! Haden, Adam, Brett, and Finn!"

Kate shuffled her feet awkwardly. "You forgot Timmy."

Dessie snorted. "Yeah. We don't want Tobi to end up like them – and it's shittier because Tobi is an S-ranked criminal.

"I can't help it who I like!" wailed Kate.

"Well, _help it, bitch_!" snarled Dessie. "Or I'm not healing any broken heart – or broken bones for that matter."

"But D–" Kate stopped in mid sentence and stared in horror at a spot behind Dessie. Her face grew pale, and then turned rapidly to a shade of brilliant red. Both Dessie and I looked over their shoulders to see the bright orange mask of Tobi.

"What are all you little Nunu's talking about?" he asked cheerfully. "Tobi wants to know."

"Nunus?" I asked.

Tobi smiled (or what we thought was a smile). "Nunu."

"Nu…nu…?"

"Nunu."

"."

"Nunu."

"WHAT THE HELL!" screamed Dessie.

"N…u….n…u…." said Tobi slowly, cowering under Dessie's furious glare. "Tobi just wanted to call Dessie and Hannah nunus…"

"What about Kate?" I asked with slight curiosity.

Tobi glanced sidelong at Kate and shrunk away so that he was half hidden behind Dessie. "Tobi is afraid of Kate…"

"What!"

"Tobi is afraid of Kate. Kate is a normal person. Tobi is very afraid of normal people. Tobi is afraid of Kate."

Silence.

"Dear God," I cried in despair. "I'm going to die in this place!"

"Right there with you!" And with that, we left Tobi and Kate in their little corner, deciding it would be much more fun to join Kisame and Kakuzu in their game of poker. Well…I thought that. Dessie thought it would be fun ot jump on Itachi's lap while he was reading a very head book. Unfortunately for her, Itachi was prepared and before she could land in his lap, he smacked her over the head with the Encyclopedia of Genjutsu. Needless to say, Dessie was out of it for a few hours.

"So, who's winning?" I asked, turning my attention to Kisame and Kakuzu (I decided it was safer just to leave Dessie lying on the floor at Itachi's feet, at least she made a good footstool for him).

"Do you have to ask?" said Kisame gloomily.

"Just making conversation."

"I'm ready for this stupid vacation to end! Seven days and seven poker games – do you realize how much money I have lost!"

Kakuzu cackled. "Do you realize how much money I gain!"

"Er…it's around the same number, isn't it?" I asked.

"Two more days," said Kisame gritting his teeth. "November 3rd."

I froze, registering the date in my head. "November 3rd!"

"Yeah…"

"That means today is November 1st !"

"Yeah…"

"HANNAH!" We looked around to see Kate running across the room to my side, burying her face in my sleeve after her exceedingly awkward conversation with Tobi.

"Kate," I said, ignoring her dilemma. "It's November 1st."

She raised her head and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Seriously? It's November 1st? You mean we've been here for a whole month?"

I nodded solemnly.

"But then…" Kate hesitated. "We missed your nineteenth birthday!"

Again, I nodded.

"Birthday?" asked Deidara, leaning forward eagerly. "We missed someone's birthday?"

"October 21st," said Kate sadly. Then, suddenly, she perked up. "You know what this means!"

"No," said Kakuzu honestly.

She blinked. "What?"

"No, I don't know what this means."

Kate stored. "Oh…uh…"

"PARTY TIME!" Tobi jumped on top of the poker table and kicked all the coin stacks and cards to the floor. Immediately, he started to do some sort of mix between the chicken dance and the hokey-pokey. "TOBI LOVES PARTIES! CAN TOBI PLAN THE PARTY!"

"Er..sure…" I muttered.

"I want to help too!" cried Kate, her face turning a bright scarlet.

"Well…"

But Tobi had already hopped down from the table and grasped Kate by both hands, his earlier fear of her vanishing instantly. "Quickly, Kate! We'll need balloons and cake and music and sparklers and wrapping paper and presents and – _streamers_ – and part harts that say Happy Birthday on them and a piñata and…"

I pressed my fingers to my temples and sighed. This was going to be a long night.

After seeing the final product of Tobi and Kate's work, I'd have to say they did an extraordinary job – for a five-year-old girl's party. The streamers were all pink and purple and white and were draped all over the living room with hot-pink balloon and glitter. The presents all looked suspiciously like dolls in princess wrapping paper, and Tobi forced me to wear a golden crown as the "Birthday Princess".

Of course, Hidan laughed his ass off at me, kindly referring to be as the Princess from Hell.

This was all fine though, since Dessie proceeded to beat the shit out of Hidan and he was forced to apologize in the name of Jashin-sama. (Point one for Warg worshippers).

At first, the whole event was rather dull. We sat around and at from a pink ice-cream cake (bubble gum flavor – ew). Then, Tobi brought out the piñata and the Akatsuki members, but it didn't last long since Deidara blew it up along with all the candy inside. Disappointed at the lack of sugar, Deidara switch targets and decided to make Tobi the new piñata. And at that point, Kisame returned with the alcohol and that's when my party went _really_ wild.

Bottle of sake after bottle of sake, the Akatsuki drowned it. Of course, Hidan was the first one to get drunk (light weight) followed by Deidara.

I have to admit, it was a sight to see Hidan stagger over to Dessie, point a shaky finger at her and crying, "This town ain't big enough for the two of us!"

Dessie grabbed her own bottle of sake, downed it all in about three seconds, and broke the top of the bottle, bearing it in front of her as a weapon. "Say that again, _Freddy the Spur_!"

"I'm not Freddy the Spur!" shrieked Hidan, angrily.

"Then you are you?"

"I'm Goat Head Greg!"

"You're not Goat Head Greg – 'cause I'm Goat Head Greg! You're Freddy the Spur – _now stick 'em up_!" Dessie raised an imaginary finger gun and pointed it at Hidan.

"Over your dead body, Freddy the Spur!"

"You're Freddy the Spur – moron! You're dead body it's gonna be!" Dessie cackled evilly.

"You're Freddy the Spur!"

"No, you are!"

"I'm Goat Head Greg!"

Dessie cracked her knuckles threateningly. "I am Goat Head Greg!"

"This would be a so much more interesting conversation if I could follow it," said Kakuzu evilly.

Deidara was a much more interesting drunk than Hidan He wrapped his arms around Itachi's neck and settled himself in Itachi's lap (a feat even Dessie had been unable to do). "Hello, baby," said Deidara in a seductive voice. "What ya doin' tonight?"

Itachi opened his mouth to reply, but before he could get any further, Dessie came flying across the room to kick Deidara in the jaw, sending Deidata sprawling to the floor in agony.

"Don't touch my Sugar Daddy, you blond fur ball!" Then, Dessie flung her arms around Itachi's neck and planted a rather violent kiss on his lips.

Kisame laughed and started up a chant of "Rape him! Rape him! Rape him!" which the other Akatsuki members soon joined in on.

Itachi looked more stunned than anything else. He stared at Dessie for a minute, all brain function ceased. Then, coming back to reality, he punched her in the face and Dessie was out for the rest of the night.

The next person to fall victim to the charm of alcohol was Konan, surprisingly enough. And she was one of those bitchy drunks, you know. She slid up next to me on the couch, wrapping an arm around my shoulders to make sure I couldn't escape, and then she said, "This whole Akatsuki thing is such a dump. I don't know why I bother. I mean really, I am the _assistant _to the _head_ of the Akatsuki and what do I get? You know what I get? Do you? Huh?"

I shook my head mutely.

"I'll tell you what I get! N-O-T-H-I-N-G. All I get is more shitty work. Does Leader do any work? Nooooo. Just me. I work and work and work in an organization that is all guys – except for me – and all I get are these fucking bitchy men over here who can't even tie their own shoes. And that's gratitude for you!"

On and on and on and on and on and on and on Konan talked. My ear was hurting by the time she finally fell asleep and collapsed on my shoulder. By that time, the entire Akatsuki was dead drunk.

"Itachi is _my bitch_!"

"No he's mine! Get off, Blondie!"

"Did you just call me Blondie, Shark Bait?"

"Yeah! What you going to do about it? Itachi is my bitch – he happens to like Shark Bait like me! Ain't that right, Itachi?"

Both Deidara and Kisame turned around to asked Itachi (the sole sober member on the Akatsuki) his opinion and found that the subject in question was no longer there, but was now sitting behind the sofa using the unconscious body of Dessie as a shield.

On the other side of the room, Kakuzu seemed to have convinced himself that he was dog and was now running in circles trying to chase after his 'tail'. Hidan stood above Kakuzu, cackling delightedly and still speaking in a Southern accent.

"Go, Bad-Ass Buck! Get those damn rotten criminals to the brink!"

Kakuzu barked.

"Atta boy!" cried Hidan, patting Kakuzu on the head.

Kate, on the other hand, was still sober (having sworn off of alcohol for all eternity after seeing a fine example from her birth father). However, she was holding a kitchen mop and trying to fend off Zetsu, who became very hungry after so much alcohol.

"Look at the juicy flesh." (This is the black half speaking)

"So fair and white…" (This is the white half)

"A little blotchy though, bit I imagine it will taste the same…"

"Yummy…Food…"

Kate screamed and tried to poke Zetsu in the head. Unfortunately, the Venus fly trap around him snapped close on the mop handle, snapping it in two. Kate dropped the mop and ran away shrieking. She jumped onto the back of Tobi, begging for help.

Tobi, of course, ended up being one of those Switch-A-Roo Drunks, who, when sober is all happy and playful and then, under the influence of alcohol, becomes a bad boy with a dark attitude.

"Get off me, bitch. There's no time for fun and games," Tobi said in a surprisingly deep voice.

Completely shocked by this change, Kate slid off his back and gawped at him. "What did you just say?"

"We have a case to solve, Eliza," said Tobi. "The Chimney Sweep Murderer is getting away. We have to act fast and act strong – we can't let that son-of-a-bitch walk! You get me, Eliza?"

Kate nodded mutely.

"Let's go!" Tobi grabbed her by the wrist and started dragging her around the room in search of the Chimney Sweep Murderer. "Detective Tobin McGee" never let a case go unsolved with the help of his trusty, albeit a little clumsy, partner "Eliza".

And then, finally, we had Leader who is, as we have now discovered, a closet pervert.

He found Itachi, who was cowering under Dessie body and cried, "What a pretty little lady, would you like to come over for a bite to eat?"

"Uh…"

Itachi seemed as confused as I felt. Apparently Leader had not realized Dessie was unconscious. Unfortunately for us, it appeared Itachi had some sort of heart, because he chose to save Dessie's chastity by kicking Leader in the face and knocking the man unconscious.

Poor me, I sat in the middle of this mess with Konan still clinging me to the sofa. And, as the only same person left in the room, I feel I have the right to declare Rule Number Nine: Don't let the Akatsuki throw wild parties…ever – they tend to party a little _too well_.

Desperation taking over, I grabbed the closest bottle of sake and down the whole thing in one go. Man that stuff made the world spin. And, with no regret at all, I let the alcohol do its thing – and, in hind sight, I would have to say that was the biggest mistake of the night. Because, when I woke up the next morning, I discovered there was indeed a hell and that I was in it.

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><p><strong>AN: Je suis folle de toi I hope you enjoyed the Dessie _nearly _rapes Itachi scene. I have the next fifteen or so chapters planned out (I'm that kind of person) and it gets pretty weird so yeah. Anyways, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! Review ALL the chapters please, even if it's just to say "hi" or "don't die a really painful death anytime in the near future so that you can finish this story" or something along those lines...**


	10. The Honeymoon

**A/N: Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha I love this chapter. The title makes no sense until about half-way through the chapter...oh well...**

**Read, review, and enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter Ten: The Honeymoon<strong>

**_Rule Number Ten: Sometimes S-rank criminals forget they're S-rank criminals. When that happens, it's best to give them a little reminder._**

**Dessie**

I woke up at ten o'clock in the morning with a big, fat hangover. Last night was nothing but a blur to me, though I distinctly remember a very pink birthday and a lot of sake…

When I opened my eyes I found myself lying on the floor of the living room surrounded by the debris of a desecrated cake and an unconscious Leader (he had the very distinctive mark of a book print across his face, but I didn't think I wanted to know how that had gotten there). Wearily, I rose from my seat and examined the room. Hidan was sleeping in the squishy armchair with Kakuzu curled up in his lap like a dog. Then, next to them on the sofa, Konan was lying out, a little bit of drool trickling down her cheek. Tobi happened to be sleeping next to Kisame on the floor, the two of them entwined together like a pair of lovers (I don't want to know what happened there) and Deidara had made a pillow of out his clay and was lying out on the coffee table in the middle of the room. I couldn't see Hottie or Zetsu or Kate or Hannah anywhere and decided that that mystery was best to be left alone.

I began to make my way across the room in the direction of the kitchen, but before I could reach the door, there came the sound of a heavy yawn and someone stretching.

"What the hell is this bastard doing in my lap?"

Hidan had woken.

And his shrill voice was making my headache even worse.

"Shut up, Zombie Whore," I muttered, massaging my head painfully. "You sound like a bitch on a hot tin roof."

"A _what_? Violent Stalker Chick, you aren't making any sense."

"Shut the h–"

We both cringed as my voice rose to a shout, our hangover unable to take the pressure.

"Truce, truce," said Hidan, rubbing his head irritably. Then, he caught sight of Kakuzu still curled up on his lap and whispered, "Get this shithead off of me!" He pushed Kakuzu off and, after jolting awake after meeting to floor, Kakuzu fell back into a deep sleep.

"Water…" I mumbled, turning back to the door.

Hidan sluggily rose from his seat and followed me. In a zombie-like fashion, we stumbled to the kitchen to fill our glasses up with water and chugged as much of it down as possible.

"Hell yeah," whispered Hidan. "This is what I need."

"Less talkin' more drinkin'," I muttered.

The next person to awake into ghastly reality was the poor and unfortunate Deidara. He stumbled his way into the kitchen and snatched the water from Hidan, downing it all in one gulp.

"Shit, I now know hell," grumbled Deidara. "And it tastes like a shark's ass."

"Were you and Kisame doing bitchy things together?" asked Hidan under his breath.

"Shut up. My brain hurts enough without listening to your garbage shit."

"What time is it?" I asked sleepily.

"I don't know, check your watch," muttered Hidan.

"I don't wear a watch."

"Sucks to be you then, bitch."

"DON'T Y–"

The three of us cringed and gave up on arguing for the day. Our brains could not take the immense pressure of saying witty/violent/crude comes backs in undertones and to scream them out loud was death to us all.

"Who do you think will wake up next?" wondered Deidara. "My money's on Kisame."

"He's in for a surprise…" I grumbled.

"He and Tobi were getting awfully comfortably down there…" added Hidan, a smile toying at his lips – the first smile all day.

"Well," I said. "I'm putting my money on Leader. He wasn't that wasted."

"How would you know?" asked Deidara. "You were the first one out."

"True…"

Just then there was the sound of the kitchen door opening and Kate stepped inside, rubbing her eyes. Unlike the rest of us, she had not gone through hell last night (doesn't drink) and she smiled rather cheerfully at the sight of the rest of us. "Only ones up?"

"Shhhh," Deidara hissed. "Whispers only."

"Sorry," said Kate, adjusting her voice accordingly.

"You saw everything last night?" I asked, helping myself to another glass of water.

"What I could. Tobi wanted to play Detective and assistant last night…" Kate's face turned bright red. "Apparently I'm Eliza now…"

"Psycho…" muttered Deidara. "What did I do?"

Kate shrugged, giggling slightly as she did so. "I remember something about you and Kisame arguing over whose bitch Itachi was…And then you bit Kisame's behind in revenge…"

"No wonder my mouth tasted like shark's ass this morning," muttered Deidara.

Hidan snickered. "You sick, pervert. I didn't know Kisame was a masochist. I always knew you were a sadist and all…"

"Shut the f–"

The three of us cringed and remember the truce. Kate snickered, completely unaffected by the raised voices. Then, there was the sound of footsteps and Konan appeared in the kitchen.

"Water…" she said in a raspy voice and Kate cheerfully helped out.

"I'm going to die…" she whispered hoarsely.

"No, you won't," I said. "The world would be too kind if you died. Instead, you must suffer the pain that comes with that happiness in a bottle we call sake."

"Urggg…"

_BANG_!

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"

After a uniform cringe, all heads turned in the direction of the living room where there came a serious of loud, violent threats and a cry of "Tobi is a good boy!"

"Kisame's up," said Deidara wearily and, one-by-one, we all filed out the door to the living room to see what was going on.

Apparently, Kisame had awoken to see himself tangled up with Tobi and he completely flipped out. Soon, that woke everyone else up and Leader was trying to kill them all from causing his head to hurt so much while Tobi tried to flee from Kisame's wrath. Kakuzu was still fast asleep on the floor. However, Kate gently explained that the reason was Kisame and Tobi were all tangled up was not because of a romantic love affair (everyone was very disappointed to find this out) but because Tobi thought that Kisame was the Chimney Sweep Murderer. The two were in the middle of Tobi trying to arrest Kisame when they passed out.

"Shit, that had me worried," said Kisame collapse to the ground in relief. "My head's a mess."

"Shhh," everyone hissed in unison.

"All our heads are a fucking mess," muttered Hidan. "Now shut up."

Konan managed to calm Leader down and she carefully escorted him to the quiet kitchen for some water, but before Leader could leave the living room, he turned back and added, "All you shitheads. As punishment for putting my brain through hell you have to clean this place up. Now. Or I'll kill you all."

And with that, he and Konan left.

Hidan's response was for all of us: "Fuck."

So, despite our grueling headaches, the six of us (Kakuzu was still asleep and Itachi, Hannah, and Zetsu still missing) started to clean up the room. All the pink confetti and what remained of the piñata went into the trash bag and Kisame set about raking up the ruined debris of the pink cake and, after a good two hours worth of effort, the room was clean – and that's when Itachi showed up.

"Hottie!" I screamed (my hangover had disappeared of the last ten minutes or so. Everyone else winced in pain and covered their ears).

"Hn."

Was is just me or did Itachi look at me a little guiltily?

I didn't have much tie mot ponder this since Itachi instead turned to Kisame and asked, "Is everyone up?"

Kisame shook his head. "Kakuzu's being a lug and Hannah and Zetsu are still missing…"

"Where's Leader?"

"In the kitchen with Konan."

"Hn," and with that Itachi left, leaving a very, very depressed me.

"Well, what d–"

"!"

(Insert cringe in unison). Everyone looked around nervously, trying to figure out where there scream had come from. Were we being attacked? Had someone died? No one was exactly sure. Then, Hannah came sprinting into the room, still screaming at the top of her lungs and gasping for breath occasionally.

"What's wrong?" asked Kate nervously.

"I-I-I-I…" Hannah was unable to get the words out.

"Say it slowly," said Kate gently.

"I'M MARRIED TO ZETSU!"

Silence.

Everyone stared. It was Hidan, I think, who was the first to laugh, but everyone followed soon after that. Quivering with tears of laughter, they all collapsed on the floor. Even I was unable to hide the giggles of mirth bursting out from within me. Only Kate, in all her loyal friendship managed to stare at Hannah quite seriously.

"How did it happen?"

"I-I-I don't know… I was drunk and Zetsu was drunk… And we must have run off to some near by village and got married… I woke up this morning in his bed with rings on our fingers and a marriage certificate!" She wailed miserably.

"This is fucking hilarious!" cried Hidan between laughs.

"I know, right!" I snickered.

All pains of the head were gone, distracted by Hannah's current dilemma.

"Should we call you Mrs. Zetsu now?" asked Deidara curiously.

"What's going on here?"

After hearing the scream and then laughter, Leader, Konan, and Itachi appeared in the doorway of the living room, their eyes dulled with the pain of a hangover, but still curious.

"Hannah is married to Zetsu!" screamed Kisame delightedly.

"What the hell…?" Leader gawped at Hannah. "I ddin't know you…er…had those kinds of interests… I totally understand…you're like that…"

"I am _not_ like that!" screeched Hannah. And then, she spoke the forbidden words: "At least I didn't try to rape Dessie last night!"

All eyes turned to regard Leader, no doubt who Hannah was talking about. I, of course, gasped and cried, "Leader! How could you! I know I'm a lot bustier than Kate or Hannah or Konan, and frankly a lot better looking, but really – I'm just a child!"

"I-I-I," Leader looked flustered.

"The cat's out of the bag!" said Hannah triumphantly.

"Rrrrawrrrr," I said, making a little claw shape with her hand.

"That doesn't change the fact that you're married to Zetsu," snapped Leader angrily.

"Who's married to me?" Zetsu appeared in the door way, the black half speaking.

"Hannah and you got hitched," explained Kisame.

"We did?" Zetsu regarded Hannah with appraising eyes. "What's up, baby?"

She screamed and cowered behind Kate.

Tobi sniffled. "They grow up so fast! Tobi doesn't what to let go of his nunu!"

"I am not a nunu!" cried Hannah.

I patted Hannah comfortingly on the shoulder. "It's alright, Hannah. Expect you fight. You and I are destined to a life as Tobi's…nunus…"

"You mean 'Mrs. Zetsu'," said Hidan.

"You asshole!" screamed Hannah, aiming a ferocious kick in Hidan's direction. He laughed maniacally and dodged it easily. Unfortunately for him, I decided to join in for fun and kicked him in the ass when he wasn't looking.

"Anyways," said Leader, suddenly serious. "What are we going to do about this dilemma. Zetsu and Hannah are married…" He suppressed a chuckle. "...What do we want to do?"

"Poor Zetsu," said Deidara, patting the Venus fly trap comfortingly. "You can't go to strip clubs any more. You're doomed to the life of a married man."

Zetsu ignored Deidara and instead turned to Hannah, the white half saying, "It's okay; we promise never to cheat on you – when you're looking," added the black half. The white half then said, "And we won't do anything until you're ready…And if you wait to long we'll eat you." (The latter part was the black half).

Hannah looked scandalized. "I want a divorce!"

"Zetsu!" cried Tobi. "How dare you make Tobi's nunu so unhappy!"

"You're going to end your marriage vows so quickly?" asked Konan.

"You need to cherish her, Zetsu," advised Kisame.

Needless to say, I was very confused. "Wait a second!"

Everyone turned to stare at me, half way through giving Hannah and Zetsu advice on their marriage.

"Why the hell do we need to worry about their marriage vows?" I asked. "You guys are fucking S-ranked criminals! Why do you care about honoring marriage vows and cherishing someone else's feelings!"

They stared.

"Oooooooh riiiiiiight."

"I forgot about that."

"Me too."

"Pshhh, screw marriage."

Rule Number Ten: Some times S-ranked criminals forget they're S-ranked criminals – at times like these you just have to remind them of their proper place in this world.

And so, the Akatsuki continued with their day, overcoming their hangovers of doom and continuing with their evil deeds, completely forgetting about Hannah and Zetsu's marriage. But, unbeknownst the anyone, Zetsu kept the marriage contract, framed it, and kept it on his wall where he could look at it every night while falling asleep…

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><p><strong>AN: I repeat: Mwahahahahahahaahahaha. Zetsu always was the scariest oft he Akatsuki members to me - hello? He's a cannibal in a Venus fly trap...and he has a split personality...and he has clones...that's just waaaaay too much going on in one psycho person. REVIEW! Or Zetsu will eat you all!**


	11. Declaration of Love

**A/N: I love this chapter.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Eleven: Declaration of Love<strong>

**_Rule Number Eleven: Don't fall for the Akatsuki; S-ranked criminals don't make good boyfriends_**

**Kate**

Hello, wonderful readers! Did you miss me? I missed you terrible. But we're all happy again since the story has returned to my point of view.

Now, as you all know I have developed a passionate love for Tobi. I mean, look at him! He's tall and handsome…practically oozing manliness with his strong shoulders and soft, dark hair that sparkles in the sunlight like the feathers on a crow. And then, he wears that mask. Dessie and Hannah consider his mask to be creepy, but in truth it only adds to his charm making him appear mysterious and _shadowy_. He's probably hiding the most handsome face under there, one that resembles the bust of Michelangelo's David…Strong and secure and _manly_.

"Look! Look! Hannah-Nunu! Tobi made you a flower chain!"

Yes, I still think he's manly. What I don't understand is why Tobi sticks to Hannah and Dessie like glue, but he won't give me a second glance.

A pained expression crossed my face as I watched Tobi place a flower-chain crown a top Hannah's head and she pushed it off calling Tobi an "irritating pissy-pants". Why couldn't that be me receiving the flower chain instead of her?

"Someone looks a little lonely…"

I looked up to see Kisame leaning over the squishy armchair behind me. It was a week after the Hannah-Zetsu incident and the Akatsuki had sold us to another brothel to earn some money. Now, we were sitting around on a gray Wednesday playing poker and eating potato chips. I sat in the airchair, watching Tobi and Hannah play around and now, Kisame was talking to me.

"I'm not lonely," I said determinedly.

"Come on now, I'm partners with Itachi – I can tell when someone's lonely or not."

There was no arguing with this logic, so instead, I chose to ignore Kisame.

"Is it love troubles?"

I cringed.

"Ah-ha! So it _is_ love troubles." Kisame hopped onto the armrest of the chair and patted me comfortingly on the head. "Well, my little non-nunu, speak up because Kisame the Love Guru is here to help."

"Love Guru?"

"That's right. Kisame the Love Guru is here to help and don't worry, I have a one-hundred percent success rate!" Kisame grinned proudly. "So, non-nunu, who is the lucky guy?"

My face turned bright red and I stared at my sneakers, afraid to speak. "T-T-T-Tobi…"

Kisame snorted.

"Hey…"

"Tobi it is then" he said, recovering from his laughter. "Well, then, the first thing we must do is give you an opportunity to confess your feelings."

"Confess my feelings!" I cried out in horror. "But whenever I did that in the past, the guys ran away. Some of the time screaming…"

Kisame glanced at me awkwardly and then shrugged. "Tobi is a member of the Akatsuki, one of the most feared criminal organizations in the world if not the most – he won't run away screaming if someone confessed to him… I think…"

"See," I muttered "It's hopeless…"

"No cause is hopeless if there is one fool left to fight for them," said Kisame wisely. "And you and I, my little non-nunu, will be those fools."

What have I gotten myself into?

The first thing Kisame did was get Konan to dress me up prettily. She put me in a shy-blue kimono and put my hair up in a bun…I looked ridiculous, like a little girl playing dress up (even Kisame had to agree). So, after that waste of time, I changed back to my usual clothes of jeans and a t-shirt.

Then, Kisame lured Tobi into the kitchen to make some chocolate chip cookies and then he sent me in after Tobi to confess.

"Hello…T-T-T-Tobi…" I stammered, blushing furiously.

He glanced up and screamed.

"What!" I cried, jumping around nervously. "What is it?"

"Oh… Sorry… Tobi thought you were a komodo dragon…"

"A…what?"

At that moment, Tobi was distracted when the oven exploded and smoke came billowing out the sides. With a scream, Tobi grabbed a glass of water and dumped it inside the oven, trying to put the fire out. When he managed to do so successfully, he pulled out a tray of blackened cookies.

"Oopsies…Kisame-senpai will be disappointed – would Kate like some?"

I fled the room.

Declaration of Love Attempt Number One: FAIL.

For the next attempt, Kisame sent Tobi outside to pick some flowers and then sent me to assist him. Tobi skipped through the meadow singing the FUN song (Dessie taught him that) while I shuffled nervously beside him. Maybe Tobi would make me a flower chain too…

Tobi glanced shyly at me and said softly, "Kate…"

"Y-y-y-yes?" I stammered.

"What kinds of flowers does Hannah like? She didn't like the daisies I gave her earlier…"

"Um…maybe some daffodils…"

"Ah-ha!" Tobi skipped off to go find some daffodils, leaving me standing in the middle of the meadow quite alone.

This is not working, I thought miserably. I'm too shy to ever confess and Tobi is too busy wrapped up in thinking about Dessie and Hannah to care about me…

"AHHHH!"

Tobi came sprinting through the clearing as fast as his skinny legs could carry him. "KATE RUN!"

Behind him came a swarm of angry, buzzing bees.

The two of us ran all the way back to the hideout screaming our lungs out all the way.

Declaration of Love Attempt Number Two: FAIL.

Kisame called a meeting. Him, Konan (I wasn't sure why she was there), and I sat on top of Konan's bed and held council.

"This is not working," said Kisame grimly. "Kate's too shy and Tobi is an idiot. What should we do about this? Any suggestions? Konan?"

"Why am I here?" she asked.

"Since you leant us your kimono you are now part of the conspiracy."

Konan rolled her eyes. "I have work to do – unlike you nut jobs, I actually do _work_." And with that, she got off the bed and stormed out of the room. She paused at the doorway and added, "Use your own bedroom, Kisame!"

"Itachi's in there."

"I don't give a damn, get out of my room!" and she left.

Kisame shrugged, turning his attention back to me. "The pressure became too much for dear Konan, and I must admit, this is the hardest case the Love Guru has ever had to crack. But don't worry my non-nunu! Kisame will help your love grow and blossom."

"Dear God, what I think my ears have shriveled up and died!"

We both turned to see Dessie standing in the door, gawping at Kisame. "Did those words really just come out of your mouth – and here I thought you were one of the few sane members of the Akatsuki!"

"This is coming from the girl who screams 'hottie' every time she sees Itachi," grumbled Kisame. "Kate and I – Kisame the Love Guru – are planning to get her to confess to Tobi."

Dessie laughed maniacally and hopped on the bed in Konan's spot. "This sounds like fun, count me in!"

I sighed heavily. "Why do a keep getting a bad feeling about this?"

"Don't get wet-feet on us now," said Dessie, patting me on the back. "No offense Kisame."

"None taken. I'm more concerned about how we should get Kate to confess…or, the more difficult question of how should we get Tobi to shut up and listen…"

"We could tie him down while Kate confesses…" said Dessie thoughtfully.

Kisame considered this. "It's worth a shot."

It was a waste of time.

Kisame and Dessie spent about two hours chasing Tobi around the hideout. Tobi, of course, thought it was a game and danced about laughing childishly. And then, to make matters worse, Deidara thought everyone had decided it was finally time to hunt down Tobi and burn him to bits.

So, in the end, we had a giant shark-man with a spiked sword, an insane blond fur ball that set off bombs every two seconds, and a violent stalker chick who kept trying to kick people in their "weak spots" all chasing after a giggling man in an orange mask. I was so embarrassed that when they finally caught Tobi and tied him down; I squeaked in fear and ran away.

Declaration of Love Attempt Number Three: FAIL.

"This is retarded." Dessie announced.

We sat on Kisame's bed in the room he shared with Itachi – or, more accurately, Kisame and I sat on Kisame's bed while Dessie sat on top of Itachi's lap while he tried to read. Eventually, however, Kisame picked Dessie up and carried her across the room before Itachi could murder her.

"What do we do now?" asked Dessie, disappointed that she had been separated from the hottie.

"I don't know," said Kisame, slouching back against his pillows. "The Love Guru is out of ideas…"

"Why don't you just shove them in a closet together and lock the door."

We all turned to stare at Itachi.

"What did you just say?" Kisame asked incredulously.

"Shove. In. .Lock. Doors. Not hard." Itachi glared at the three of us. "I just want you all out of my room."

Kisame, Dessie, and I exchanged approving looks. Then, excitedly, Kisame hopped off the bed, grabbing Dessie and I by the wrists and dragging us out of the room with a cry of, "The Love Guru is back in action!"

We found Tobi about a minute later as he tried to explain why the oven was broke to Leader. Kisame simply grabbed Tobi, ignoring the Leader's shouts of anger and tossed Tobi into the nearest closet with me not far behind. There was the sound of a lock clicking as we stood there in total darkness awkwardly.

"Tobi doesn't like the dark…"

"Er…Um… T-T-Tobi…" I stammered, trying to get the words out. Thankfully it was dark so that no one could see my extraordinarily bright blush. "Tobi…I-I-I have something to tell you."

"Are you Tobi's conscience?"

"Yes – no – what!" I cried.

"My conscience isn't very smart…"

"No! No! I'm not your conscience! I'm Kate! Kate! Remember me!"

"Kate…" said Tobi thoughtfully. "Tobi remembers Kate. Why is Kate standing in a closet with Tobi?"

"Er…W-w-well…You see… Kisame and Dessie threw us in a closet together!" I cursed myself for having such a weak resolve.

"Why would they do a silly thing like that?"

"B-b-b-because I want to tell you that I love you!" I could die of embarrassment, but already my mouth had begun to move on its own. "I think you're really amazing and funny and attractive and manly… And if there's one thing I love about a man, it is that he's bright and cheerful…And, I really, really love you, Tobi!"

Silence.

Tobi didn't move. I felt nervous, wondering if perhaps he was figuring out how best to reject me. Or maybe he was so in love with me that my declaration had stunned him into silence…

Finally, when I could stand it no longer, I screamed, "Well say something!"

And then, Tobi spoke. Only it wasn't Tobi. His voice was deeper and more serious, with none of Tobi's childlike tunes to it. "I understand your confession; however, I am not truly like that."

"Eh?"

"My name is actually Uchiha Madara and I plan to get revenge on Konoha and take over the world – I am nothing like the…cheerful, happy man you know to be Tobi. I have no feelings for you and only want to use you as a pawn in my plans to take over the world. Understand?"

I stared through the darkness, unable to make out the face of Tobi.

Silence stretched between us and then…

"Oh my gawd! Really?"

"Er…yes…"

"Oh my gawd, oh my gawd, oh my gawd – you know!" I cried excitedly. "The one thing I love more than a happy, cheerful guy is a bad-ass villain with plans for world domination – it is so _hot_!"

Silence.

"Tobi wants out of the closet – now!"

The door flew off, wood splinters flying in all directions and the masked Tobi went sprinting out of the closet, screaming at the top of his lungs, "Nunu! Tobi needs his nunus!"

I stood there, alone in the dark closet, rejected once again.

Declaration of Love Attempt Number Four: FAIL.

And so, with a broken heart, I tell you Rule Number Eleven: Don't ever, ever, ever fall in love with an Akatsuki member – they are S-ranked criminals with only world domination at heart, and they make really shitty boyfriends.

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><p><strong>AN: Alright, this is the last update of the day. I have school tomorrow so my update speed will slow down considerably. Thanks for all your reviews so far! Over the course of a little over three days I have forty reviews! YAY! I give internet Easter candy to all those who have reviewed and bonuses to those who review this chapter as well! Kisame the Love Guru will visit you is you review (though that may not be a good thing)**


	12. A Shocking Twist

**A/N: Personally, I don't think this chapter is the best, but it's more of a get from here-to-there chapter. But don't worry, I promise you the next three or four will be filled with the epic hilarity that usually occurs  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter Twelve: A Shocking Twist<strong>

**_Rule Number Twelve: Avoid Deidara's explosions, they are spasmodic and are almost always fatal. _**

**Hannah**

Good day, dear readers and welcome to my head. Today is Friday the 3rd of December, which, as it turns out, is a rather chilly day. The snow had not yet started to fall, but it was bitterly cold. However, for the sake of food for the next week, Konan, Deidara, Dessie, and I bundled up in layer upon layer of clothing and battled the winter weather to go to a nearby market and buy food supplies.

It was a good hour long walk to the market and by the time we got there Deidara swore he had frost bite in three different toes.

To begin with, our trip to the market was rather boring. Dessie got into fights with random strangers, Deidara tried to blow up everything in sight, and Konan ignored it all and continued working.

Then, Deidara discovered an art store.

Now, I don't know how well you know Deidara, but when you mix a psychotic pyromaniac who thinks blowing things into smithereens is art with an art store where paint of paper is pretty – there are issues. Big issues.

So, Deidara, for some stupid reason known only to him, grabbed me by the wrist and hauled me over in the direction of the art store. It looked like a nice place from what I could tell. A simple little shop with statues and sculptures in the window and on the inside were some paintings and abstract pieces that make no sense to anyone but the artist, but the store seemed nice enough. Of course, Deidara didn't agree.

"How should we blow the place up?" he asked me excitedly.

I sighed heavily. "You're the artist.

"I know. I'm just thinking aloud. Maybe a clay snake could slither in and scare the shit out of them before exploding…nah that's too Orochimaru."

"Orochimaru?" I asked.

"Some crazy-ass snake dude who used to be a part of the Akatsuki before I joined." Deidara shrugged. "He's old news."

"Oh…What happened to him?"

"He quit. I think he's some old geezer now who sits in a cave and watches child porn… Oh! I know! What about if I make miniature clay figures of the Akatsuki and have them waddle into the shop before blowing them all into tiny little bits?"

I stared at Deidara. "Well…that's certainly creative… Do you, perhaps, have some anger issues or suppressed emotions?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," I said innocently. "Nothing at all."

Deidara shrugged and sat down beside the art store to begin making his mini Akatsuki members. I slid down to sit beside him and watched for awhile, semi-interested in how he made the figures. He was pretty darn good as an artist, I had to admit; his sculptures, thought only two inches in height, were as realistic as could be, down to the last minute detail.

"You really do have hands on your palms…" I muttered as I watched him work.

Deidara paused, glanced at his hands, and then nodded before continuing his work. "Yeah, why? Uhn."

"No reason. Kate told Dessie and me about them and now we're all curious. I…er…Kate reckons you practice making out with your hands and Dessie thinks you use them when…you aren't getting enough…" I smother my giggled into a cough and quickly look away. Deidara was glaring at me now.

"I do not do things like that with my hands," he said coldly.

"I didn't think you did…"

We sat in silence for while, and, finally, Deidara finished his mini Akatsuki sculptures. Roughly, he grabbed me by the shoulder and we strolled in side the shop. Deidara placed his little sculptures around the store. Then, the two of us slipped out and found a spot a safe distance away.

"You ready for this?" said Deidara eagerly.

I nodded.

He raised two fingers and grinned maliciously. "Katsu!"

The art store exploded.

I'm pretty sure several people died, but Deidara didn't care about that. He leapt to his feet and flipped out the desecrated art store with a cry of, "Art is a BANG!" Then, the two of us bounded off to the market to find Konan.

Akatsuki Survival Guide Rule Number Twelve: Avoid Deidara's explosions; they tend to be loud, fiery, and almost always fatal.

Konan was in the fruit and vegetable section trying to find suitable ingredients for a salad. Deidara pulled a face and begged her not to make any (he had an ongoing grudge against all things green and, after being married to Zetsu, I had to agree). So, Konan passed up the lettuce and broccoli and about some fruits instead.

Suddenly, I looked around and asked, "Where's Dessie?"

Konan shrugged. "She was with me a minute ago."

"Where'd she go? To get food?" I wondered.

Deidara looked around too, but couldn't find her either. While Konan finished up her shopping, Deidara and I searched the market for Dessie, but we couldn't find her. We returned to Konan with no news and she looked mildly distressed.

"Well, that's not good. I hope Dessie didn't decide to run off with some 'hottie' and leave us here…"

I considered this. Knowing Dessie, this answer is highly possible. Maybe even probable.

But, before we could consider this possibility any further, two men appeared before us, smirking evilly. One was a familiar looking young man with black hair which strongly resembled a cockatoo's ass. The second man was slightly older with gray hair and glasses. I had no clue who either of them were, but Deidara seemed to have a very good idea.

"What do you want, Sasuke?" Deidara snapped.

Sasuke (the dark haired one) stared at Deidara silently, his expression cold.

The other man (his name, I discovered later on was Kabuto) spoke instead, "We have kidnapped your follower."

"Our follower?" asked Deidara curiously. He glanced at me in confusion and shrugged. "We don't have a follower."

"The violent girl with a loud mouth."

"Oooooh. You mean Dessie! That Violent Stalker Chick? You can keep her." Deidara began turning away, dragging me with him.

"Orochimaru will kill her," said Kabuto icily.

"That's nice," said Deidara, waving a hand over his shoulder. I tried to turn back, after all despite her oddities, Dessie was my friend. However, Deidara kept a firm hold on my shoulder and dragged me away from Sasuke and Kabuto.

"I'll trade her for Itachi."

This time it was Sasuke who spoke. His voice rung familiar in my mind, though I could not put my finger on what was so similar about them. Deidara kept me walking and, though I struggled to be free, he refused to let go.

"And everything goes boom," he whispered in my ear. "Katsu!"

And, as according to Deidara's prediction, everything did go boom. Behind us, where Kabuto and Sasuke had been standing, the market was dissolved in a fiery explosion. Deidara burst out laughing, delightful to get to do some damage, but when I looked over my shoulders neither Sasuke nor Kabuto could be seen. Explosions were fun, but they were better when they killed the right people.

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><p>Deidara, Konan, and I finally reached the Akatsuki hideout after walking the whole way. I had insisted oh running, but Deidara and Konan refused, seeming rather relaxed about the whole thing.<p>

"So who are those people?" I asked for the umpteenth time.

"Sasuke Uchiha and Kabuto Yakushi," said Konan.

"Sasuke Uchiha? As in…he's related to Itachi Uchiha?" I asked credulously. "Then why was he ransoming Dessie for Itachi?"

"Because Sasuke hates Itachi," explained Konan patiently.

"Why?"

"Itachi killed off his entire clan except for his little brother Sasuke – probably had a brain seizure right tnen. So Sasuke got all pissy at his brother and spent his entire life devoting himself to revenge so that he eventually sold his body to Orochimaru, our creepy ex-Akatsuki member," snapped Deidara.

I considered this for a moment. "So Sasuke is Orochimaru's bitch?"

"Yep."

"Oohhhh. Why didn't you say so?"

We reached the door of the Akatsuki hideout and stepped inside. Almost immediately we ran into Hidan. He took one look at the three of us and said, "Where's the violent stalker chick?"

"Shut got kidnapped by Sasuke-bitch," supplied Deidara. Konan slipped by to drop the groceries off in the kitchen.

Hidan snorted. "What an idiot. Who would be pathetic enough to get kidnapped by Sasuke-bitch?"

"What about my brother?" Itachi appeared beside Hidan, scanning the Deidara and I before asking, "Where's my stalker?"

"Your stalker was kidnapped by your brother who is now ransoming you stalking for you," explained Deidara.

Konan poked her head out of the kitchen and called out, "Leader is calling a meeting, Be there in three minutes or he'll tear out your brains put them in the blender, mix them with some parsley, and serve them as soup to Zetsu for a midnight snack."

"What kind of idiot would be kidnapped by my brother?" asked Itachi.

"That's what I said!" cried Hidan indignantly.

"Knowing Dessie she probably took one look at Sasuke face, thought of Itachi, and agreed to go with him," I pointed out.

"Oh yeaaaah…."

Everyone headed off to the meeting room where the Akatsuki had gathered (plus Kate). We formed a circle around Leader, who stood at his desk with Konan beside him.

"So," said Leader, addressing the Akatsuki. "Dessie has been kidnapped by Orochimaru."

"Poor nunu!" cried out Tobi in horror.

"She's probably being sexually harassed right now," added Kakuzu. "Our whore should do a good job satisfying him.

"It can't be any worse than being under Leader," Hidan pointed out, recalling the drunken perverseness of Leader. "Besides, if Orochimaru got anywhere near her, she'd probably scream 'ugly' and kick him in the balls."

"He doesn't have any, remember," pointed out Deidara.

"And you would know," muttered Kisame.

"Say that again to my face, Fish Food," snarled Deidara, rounding on Kisame with a ball of clay.

"And you would know that he doesn't have any b–"

"Shut up!" snapped Leader. "I am trying to solve the whole issue and you lot keep gabbling on about Orochimaru and perverts and all this shit. What happened to the good old days where criminals had pure minds! Where the one and only thing they thought about was world domination and torture. Now all these criminals can think about is sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll."

Everyone stared.

"Ahem," continued Leader as if nothing had happened. "Now, my solution to this whole crisis is…we do nothing."

"What!" cried Kate and I. "What about Dessie?"

Leader considered this. "Quite frankly, I don't care. She was only here so we could sell her to brothels for money."

"Hear! Hear!" said Kakuzu appreciatively.

"So you don't care at all?" I asked.

"Not really. I mean, I'd much rather her die than any of the Akatsuki and a rescue mission would be too risky…"

I groaned aloud. The saddest part was all the Akatsuki was nodding in agreement. Apparently, after a good two months here, we still had absolutely no value to them. Well, what did I expect from the world's most dangerous criminals?

"Well, Leader," I said, addressing him directly. "I understand how you feel about Dessie – her death would do us all a favor – but, may I point out, that she knows the location of the Akatsuki base. And if you don't rescue her from the clutches of Orochimaru, her tongue might just slip…"

Leader stared at me.

I stared back.

He seemed to struggle with himself for a bit, and then, with a very heavy sigh, he said, "Fine. Go get her back."

I smiled. Blackmail always wins out.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, Dessie has been kidnapped by Sasuke and Orochimaru... What will happen next? dun dun dun. Review - or Leader will come after you all in the dead of night...  
><strong>


	13. A Perfect Specimen

**A/N: I admit the last chapter was rather mediocre, but, like i said, it is a plot filled. Now, comes the real action filled with hialrity again (I hope). **

**Read, review, and enjoy  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13: A Perfect Specimen <strong>

**_Rule Number Thirteen: Try and avoid ex-Akatsuki member Orochimaru – he's a bit of a creep. It's no wonder the Akatsuki couldn't wait to get rid of him. _**

**Dessie**

I haven't actually talked to you in a long time, beautiful readers, so I will start this part of the story with a "Hello, how are you doing today?" "Good? What about me? Me too. In fact I am having a _fucking fantastic day_." "Why, you ask. Because even though I am bound from head to toe, I am looking at the face of an incredible HOTTIE!"

I had been in the market dawdling a little behind Konan when this hottie-in-miniature with black hair and black eyes who reminded me of Itachi. So, I agreed to go with him. After all, it takes a stronger woman than me to be able to rest the wishes of a mini-hottie.

Well, unfortunately for me mini-hottie happened to be travelling with some ugly-ass by the name of Kabuto. So, on one hand I have the perfect eye candy and on the other I had someone who looks like something a dog shit out. Ah, the things I have to put up with for the sake of hotties…

Now, however, it turns out the mini-hottie and Kabuto were taking me to a new hideout, one belonging to some dude name Orochimaru (gawd, that's a mouth full). So, bound and gagged, they dragged me across the country in the direction of this dude's hideout. At least they had the decency to feed me (I'm pretty sure the Akatsuki weren't that kind to their prisoners). However, it was not mini-hottie who fed me, but that shitty Kabuto.

"Get your ugly mug out of my face, asshole!" I shouted trying to bite his nose off whenever he got near me.

Kabuto glowered at me, his eyes flashing dangerously red. But I have not lived with the Akatsuki for two months for nothing. This guy may be on scary piece of shit, but to me – he was nothing.

"Get the mini-hottie over here," I snapped. "I want to be fed by the mini-hottie."

Kabuto twisted around to stare at Sasuke and then he turned back to me. "Mini-hottie?"

"Yeah! Itachi's the hottie and Sasuke's the mini-hottie!"

Almost immediately Sasuke was next to me, his pretty little face crumpled up in anger. However, he put his face real close to mine and glowered into my eyes. "Where's Itachi?"

I smiled and pecked him on the lips (he was just asking for it). "Nuh-uh. I'm not allowed to tell anyone." And then I added in a whisper, "The Akatsuki would kill me."

Sasuke leapt away, wiping my saliva off his lips. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I giggled gleefully. "Everything."

Sasuke hit me over the head and I fell over, unconscious.

* * *

><p><p>

When I next awoke, I was lying in a room with stone walls. There were no windows, only a door on the opposite side of the room from me. I was no longer tied up, at least. Rubbing my tender head, I got up from the ground and tried to door. It was, of course, locked. Wearily, I sat back down on the ground and decided to wait.

"Mini-hottie!" I called out. "Where are you, mini-hottie? You have abandoned me!"

Of course, Sasuke didn't reply.

Instead, there the click of an opening lock sounded through the room, and then the door slid out as two men walked into the room. One was Sasuke, who caught my eye immediately, while the other was a tall, white faced man with long, slimy black hair. The definition of ugly.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked.

The guy stared at me for the longest time before saying, "I am Orochimaru – ex-Akatsuki member. And you are…?"

"Why should I tell you?"

A long, pink tongue flicked out of Orochimaru's mouth. It twisted and squirmed like a living snake, wriggling excitedly as if trying to get closer to me. Rule Number Thirteen: avoid Orochimaru. There is a reason he is no longer and Akatsuki member, and it has nothing to do with the tongue (I think).

"Now, that's just disgusting."

Orochimaru ignored my comment. "Who are you?"

"You kidnapped me and you don't know who I am? That's lazy, and laziness is one of the seven deadly sins – along with pride, greed, gluttony, anger, envy, and lust – and, looking at you, I'd say you're doing pretty well on the bad end of the chart."

I swear Sasuke was smirking (or, at least, I hope he was).

"You do realize," said Orochimaru icily. "That I am one of the most fear shinobi in the whole world. I have mastered all forbidden jutsu and killed the Hokage. I could rip you insignificant self to tiny little bite sized pieces and eat you for breakfast – do you really want to defy me?"

I considered this for a second. "Yeah, yeah I do."

"Who _are_ you?"

"Listen, Medusa," I said, enjoying my use of Orochimaru's new nickname. "I have lived with the Akatsuki for two months. You can be the most bad-ass bitch in the world, but guess what – you can't scare me. You want to know who I am? My name is Desdemona Lee, the Akatsuki's fake prostitute."

"Is that something to be proud of?" asked Orochimaru incredulously.

I grinned. "Yeah, Medusa, it is."

"Will you cut it out with the 'Medusa' thing already!"

"Make me."

"I am the–"

"You've already said you're a bad-ass ninja and all that crap. Why don't you tell me something worth while before I beat the shit out of you?" I folded my arms and sat back against the wall of my cell. I glared at Orochimaru and he glared back – it was showdown time.

Orochimaru gave in first. He turned to Sasuke and asked, "Is she serious!"

"Hn." (Mini-hottie and hottie are definitely related)

Orochimaru turned back to me. "Why the hell would the Akatsuki – one of the most feared criminal organizations in the world – keep a useless bitch like you around…Are you blackmailing them?"

I grinned. "And what if I was?"

Slowly, Orochimaru crept closer to me, his tongue flipping about more wildly. "Come on, baby, you can tell me." (Warg! he might be more perverted than Leader….)

"I'll tell you what I'm blackmailing them with," I said. "But, there is a price."

"What? I let you go?" Orochimaru seemed a little put off by this.

"Hell, no!" I snapped. "If I wanted to get out of here, it'd only be too easy."

Orochimaru and Sasuke exchanged masked glances. Then, Orochimaru turned back to me. "What do you mean by that?"

Using the wall as support, I rose to my feet and placed my hands on my hips, smirking (the perfect _bitch_ pose). "I told you, Medusa; it's because I am Dessie, the Akatsuki's fake prostitute. They don't keep me around for _nothing_. My specialty is running around like an idiot, screaming like a banshee, and breaking out of whorehouses. No prison can keep me in!"

They stared at me, unable to comprehend my magnificence.

"Okay then…" said Orochimaru, edging away slightly. "So what do you want in exchange for blackmailing information…?"

I grinned and licked my lips. "I want…Mini-Hottie!"

More stares.

"Mini…hottie?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "That's right, Medusa. That perfect little specimen over there with black hair and black eyes – with a body built like Adonis and that luscious hairstyle that reminds me so fondly of a duck's behind. Is he not an angel fallen from heaven to give me the divine image of my soul mate hottie, in a mini form? Ah! What I would not give to be in possession of such a specimen. He would make a perfect edition to my perfect collection…"

Sasuke was starting to make a bee line to the door, but he stopped dead when Orochimaru replied.

"Oh, I know! Sasuke is an ideal body. I risked many lives to get my hands on him – lost all of the Sound Five…But he came to me in the end, _and it was worth it_. His abilities, his skill, his face and form…they're all flawless." Orochimaru's tongue flicked about the place, wild with excitement. "Adonis you say? He puts Adonis to shame! Sasuke… _my_ Sasuke…"

_His_ Sasuke looked repulsed and quickly escaped through the door. Orochimaru remained, regarding me in a new light.

"You seem to have good taste in specimens," said Orochimaru appreciatively.

"I would like to think so."

"Would you like to see the rest of my…collection?"

If he meant a collection of hotties, I was so up for it. I nodded enthusiastically and Orochimaru led me out the door, quite confident that if I tried to escape he could overcome me. So, I followed quietly throughout the halls. He led me down a set of stairs to a basement where tall cylinders filled with water and other concoctions lay in wait. Figures drifted within the water vessels, morphed and transfigured according to Orochimaru's liking.

"Impressed?" he asked excitedly.

I stood in front of one cylinder which contained a naked woman with long, blue hair. Her skin, however, was not that of humans, but made of a fish scales and she had gills.

"Well," I said slowly. "I'm not interested in women experiments…"

"True," said Orochimaru. "I don't care either way."

"Right." I shifted away slightly.

So, Orochimaru led me to the other side of the room where a man was drifting inside his own tank, which was filled with water. Tubes led from his mouth and he was tied in place, like a dangerous criminal (something I was quite knowledgeable of). The man was _gorgeous_ if I do say so myself. He had snow-white hair with vivid purple eyes. His body was shaped nicely and ripped with muscles. I was practically drooling at the sight of him.

"Is he not divine?" asked Orochimaru,

"Me likey…"

"He could almost – _almost_, mind you – rival Sasuke. Of course, Sasuke is the perfect specimen and hard to rival."

I nodded excitedly. "What is Snow Hottie's name?"

"Snow Hottie?" asked Orochimaru incredulously. "You named him Snow Hottie?"

"Yep. Because of his pretty, pretty white hair. Waaaaaah! I wanna pet it and stroke it…My precious, precious Snow Hottie…" I glanced over at Orochimaru and cringed at his ugliness. "So what is Snow Hottie's name?"

"Suigetsu."

Eagerly, I pressed my face against the glass cylinder and gazed up at Suigetsu in all his mysterious god-like perfection. Through the tank water his vivid purple eyes gazed back unblinkingly. "Between Mini-Hottie and Snow Hottie…" I sighed heavily. "I am in _heaven_, baby!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: YAY! Suigetsu! He's on my top five Naruto hottie list. Which is: 1)Hidan, 2) Sasuke, 3) Suigetsu, 4) Itachi, 5) Deidara. Apparenly I have a 'thing' for the bad boys. YAY! This makes me curious so, REVIEW and share with me your top five Naruto hotties, because Orochimaru commands you to! (otherwise he'll lick you all over - gawd, that sounds perverted)**


	14. Rescue Gone Astray

**Chapter Fourteen: Rescue Gone Astray**

**_Rule Number Fourteen: Try not to let siblings get in the way of rescue missions; it leads to sticky and unnecessary situations_****.**

**Kate**

Compared to the Akatsuki hideout I had been living in for the two months, Orochimaru's place was a _dump_. It was inside of a cave – a deep, dark cave with rock walls and moss lining the sides. According to Leader, who had been given updates on Orochimaru from Sasori, there were three entrances to the hideout. So, the Akatsuki members were divided, once again, into three teams: Hannah, Deidara, and Tobi in one group, Kisame, Itachi, and I in another, with Kakuzu and Hidan in the final group.

I stood outside the main entrance with Kisame and Itachi, staring at the pitch-black entrance of the hideout.

My first experience with the pair had involved at lot of threats, finding out Kisame was half-shark and that Itachi had killed off his entire clan. So now that I actually spent some time alone with the two of them, I was absolutely petrified. Dessie had warned me that Kisame was a pervert who preyed on big, busty woman (so I had nothing to worry about) and that Itachi was a workaholic (but even then, Dessie warned me, if I so much as looked at Itachi twice, she would kick me so hard I would wake up in next week with teeth missing).

I glanced back at the cave entrance and felt a shiver run down my spine. Going into dark, enclosed spaces with two mass murders was not my idea of fun – even if it was a rescue mission.

"Are we really going in there?" I asked.

"Hn." (You can guess who this is)

"Yep." (Kisame… I had a bit of a grudge against him after the whole "love guru" incident).

"Maybe I should wait outside and keep a look out…"

Kisame grabbed me roughly by the shoulder and guided me 'gently' towards the cave entrance. Itachi followed behind the two of us, his expression as neutral as always.

"Come along, my non-nunu," said Kisame cheerfully. "We'll protect you from all of Oro-Ugly's bad men."

"Oro-Ugly?"

"It's Tobi's nickname for Orochimaru. It is one of the few genius things he has ever said." Kisame laughed.

"Is he really that bad?" I asked.

Kisame and _Itachi_ both laughed aloud. I'd take that as a 'yes'.

The cave was dark and slimy and rather gross. Water dripped down from the ceiling, echoing noisily as it landed on the stone floor. I sipped and slid along the ground, grateful for the hand Kisame had on my shoulder for it kept me from falling flat on my face. After awhile, I grew accustomed to the deep, rancid feeling of the cave.

"Where do you think Dessie is?" I asked them curiously.

"Hn."

"Probably locked up in some cell being tortured…or worse. Knowing Oro-Ugly he'll come up with something _really_ creative." Kisame glanced up thoughtfully, probably imagining all the terrible things Orochimaru could do the Dessie.

"Oh…So will she be already?"

Itachi snorted. "Hn."

"It's Dessie – who could possibly do damage to that bitch?" translated Kisame.

"True…But she's not completely invulnerable."

"Hn."

"She has a heart of stone."

I glanced suspiciously from Kisame to Itachi and then back to Kisame. "Is that really what he's saying in those little 'hn's?"

"Hn."

"That meant 'yes, how could you possibly think that the amazing, badass, sexy Kisame would ever lie to you?'."

In the words of Dessie, Itachi "sharinganed Kisame's ass", and then kept on walking. I hurried after him, pushing Kisame's hand of my shoulder. Almost immediately, I slipped on a wet spot on the rock and went sprawling to the ground. Kindly, Kisame laughed and walked right by.

"You're meant to help a girl in need," I grumbled, getting to my feet and checking the numerous scrapes and bruises on my arms and legs.

"The amazing, badass sexy Kisame didn't feel like it."

"Hn."

I hurried after the two of them, grabbing hold of Kisame's sleeve and trailing after him again (I was too afraid to touch Itachi, in case he performed Amaterasu on me – Itachi was very protective of his personal space like that).

"Halt! Who goes there!"

The three of us paused, staring ahead of us in the tunnel where the figure of a tall, very thin man appeared. He was dressed in the style of any old shinobi. However, his face was hidden by a steel helmet he wore, like the kind that knights wore in the medieval era. The shinobi held one hand in front of him in the universal signal for 'stop'.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Kisame, sounding more bemused than anything else.

"I am Sir."

"Sir?" repeated Kisame.

"Sir."

"Sir what?"

"Nothing, just Sir."

Kisame and I exchanged puzzled glances. Then, Kisame turned back to the supposed Sir and said, "Well that's a stupid name."

Sir looked extremely pissed off at these words. "A gentleman does not insult another gentleman's name."

"Well it's a good thing I'm not a gentleman," muttered Kisame. "Especially if being a gentleman means I have to wear a stupid helmet and get people to call me Sir."

The shinobi looked offended. "I throw down the gauntlet to you!" And, sure enough, he grabbed a chain-linked glove off his hand and hurled it at Kisame's feet.

Kisame groaned and turned to Itachi. "You want to fight him."

"The challenge was for you." Itachi looked faintly amuse.

"How about Kate fights him," said Kisame, turning to face me. "I bet even she could beat him – even if she is a non-nunu."

Sir looked annnoyed. "Don't talk about me as if I weren't here!"

"What does being a non-nunu have to do with it?" I asked, irritably.

"Everything."

I couldn't even come up with an appropriate response to that, so instead I said, "The gauntlet was thrown at you, Kisame. You have to fight him. Itachi and I will go find Dessie."

Angrily, Sir waved his arms up and down, trying to catch out attention. We continued to ignore him.

Kisame considered this. "Call me properly and I'll fight it."

"Don't call me an 'it'," snapped Sir.

"I will not call you properly," I snapped.

Kisame grinned. "Then you fight it and Itachi and I will save Dessie."

I scowled. "I'm not fighting it."

Bursting with rage, Sir threw a shuriken at Kisame, which Kisame easily side stepped and continued his conversation with me as if nothing had happened.

"Then call me properly."

I gritted my teeth and glowered at Kisame, but, slowly, I said, "OH amazing, badass, sexy Kisame. Will you please save me from it? I am too weak and pathetic to fight it and only you, Kisame the sexy beast, can defeat it. I bow to your superior skills and plead your aid."

Kisame smiled, satisfied with my speech. "Okay then, my non-nunu. I shall kick its ass for you." And with that, he spun around and swung his gigantic sword at Sir.

Unfortunately for us, as Orochimaru's minion, Sir was _not_ a pathetic fighter as it might seem. And, while Kisame and Sir were engaged in an epic battle of swords, Itachi and I snuck away.

"He'll be alright, won't he?" I asked as Kisame disappeared from view.

"Hn."

"You're not very helpful."

"Hn."

"I can't translate you 'hn's like Kisame can. And without him here you're going to have to use actual words, believe it or not."

Itachi glared at me…or maybe he glares at everyone like that and I just never noticed before. We continued walking in an awkward silence, neither one of us knowing what to say or wanting to speak at all.

Finally, we reached a split in the tunnel with two identical passages ways, on twisting off to the left and one twisting off to the right. We stopped in front of the passage ways, both thinking hard.

"Which way should we go?" I asked.

"Hn."

"Right?"

"Hn."

"Left?"

"Hn."

"Okay…" I considered this for a moment. "Say 'hn' for the wrong answer and say nothing for the correct one."

"Right?"

"Hn."

"Then left?"

"Hn."

I groaned and threw my hands up into the air in despair (hey, I'm Dr. Seuss). "This is hopeless!" And, for once, I think Itachi agreed with me completely. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if he was going to say something. Then, deciding silence was my only answer I said, "I suggest we resort to the good, old eenie-meenie-minie-moe tr–"

And then the tip of a blade pressed against my throat.

Now, wonderful readers, being the innocent, naïve girl that I am, I had never been in a situation such as this – even in all my time with the Akatsuki. I was taken _hostage_. A man was standing behind me with one arm roughly slung around my waist, pinning my arms to my sides and the other hand clutching a sword with was now pressed against my neck.

"Itachi…" The sound of the man's voice resonated though my body.

At the sound of his name, Itachi turned and scowled at my captor. "Hn."

The knife pressed further into my throat and I felt a trickle of blood run down my skin. Now, I have to admit by this point I was pretty mad. Here I was being held hostage by one of Orochimaru's minions and all Itachi could say is "Hn". HN!

"Itachi…" My captor's body was quivering with rage. "What are you doing here?"

"Where's my stalker?"

"Hn."

I froze. That sound…That oh so familiar sound… I twisted around, trying to get a good look at my captor's face. I only got a glimpse, but what I saw what enough. "You two are _brothers_!"

"_Were_," said Sasuke coldly. "That murderous traitor is no brother of mine."

"Where's my stalker?" repeated Itachi.

"I won't tell you, asshole."

Itachi moved like lightning. One moment he was standing there staring at Sasuke and the next me had sprinted behind Sasuke. Itachi brought a hand crashing down on Sasuke's shoulder, hitting a pressure point and causing Sasuke's body to collapse, releasing me. The weight of the sword at my neck disappeared and suddenly I found I could breathe again.

Gleefully, I spun around and wrapped my arms around Itachi's neck. "Thank you!"

"Hn." He pushed me off.

I stepped away, the grin suddenly fading from my face. I had never before realized how _manly_ Itachi looked dressed in that Akatsuki robe. He had a certain confidence to him – not like Kisame's arrogant swagger, but more like an I-am-strong-and-I-know-it look. His black hair fell casually around his face and his red-eyes glittered bolding in the darkness. Never before had I realized Itachi was so…so…_hot_.

I was glad for the cover are darkness so Itachi could not see my blush.

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><p><strong>AN: I have three things to say:**

**1) Sir was a spur-of-the-moment creation. So either he ended up an instant of hilarity (my original goal) or a complete and utter failure. I haven't figured out which yet.**

**2) Mwahahahahaha Kate, Kate, Kate, when will you ever learn? Though, I have to admit that I am becoming a fan of KateKisame - but he is too old for her since he's around 31 or 32 right now. But, I don't really want to write a love triangle (the object of my deepest loathing), so I'll probably pick one or the other.  
><strong>

**3) REVIEW or Sir will come an shove his gauntlet down your throat.  
><strong>


	15. Out of the Frying Pan

**Chapter Fifteen: Out of the Frying Pan**

**_Rule Number Fifteen: Frying pans make good weapons – sometimes a little _****too _good._**

**Hannah**

"I say we go left!"

"Right! Why the hell should we go left!" snapped Deidara.

"Because my left senses are tingling!" I screamed. "Always trust the left senses – the right ones tend to lie!"

Deidara looked ready to hit something – or some_one_. "Left senses! Who's ever heard of the left senses! Do you have something wrong with your brain! It's always the right!"

"Tobi thinks we should all quiet down and discuss this civilly."

"SHUT UP!"

We were facing the exact same situation as Kate and Itachi, though we did not know it at that time. Deidara, Tobi, and I (who were forced to be a group on our Rescue Dessie from the Oro-Ugly Pervert and Sasuke-Bitch) had been standing outside two corridors with tile floors and cement walls that extending off in opposite directions. Despite our excessive arguing, we were no closer to deciding which way to go than when we had first started.

"Left!" I screamed.

"Right!" cried Deidara. "Right or I'll blow the left passageway to smithereens!"

"That's cheating!"

"Of course it's cheating," snapped Deidara. "I'm a criminally insane Akatsuki member – I am allowed to cheat!"

I grabbed the frying pan (which had been strapped to my back for most of the trip for emergency situations) and waved it threateningly in front of Deidara. "Don't mess with me, fur ball!"

"Did you just call me fur ball?"

"Sorry – I forgot to add _blond_ fur ball!"

"_I love you, you love me – we're a happy family – with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you – won't you say you love me too_!" Tobi stepped between Deidara and me, wrapping one arm around each of our shoulders and pulling us into a large group hug.

My face squished uncomfortably against Tobi's chest, I asked, "Tobi… where dud you learn that song?"

"Dessie-Nunu taught it to me." Tobi sniffled. "She'll be proud to know I was using it at such a moment."

Deidara pushed Tobi away and turned to me angrily. "I'm going to find that violent stalker bitch – and when I do, I'm going to _murder her_ for teaching him yet another retarded happy song!"

"What else did she teach him?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to know.

"_F is for friends who do stuff together – U is for you and me – N is for anywhere and any time at all – here with the Akatsuki_!" Tobi danced around the hallways gleefully. "This part is for you Deidara-senpai! _F is for fire which burns down the whole town – U is for ukulele – N is for no survivors_!"

"You know, Deidara," I said thoughtfully. "He's got you down pretty well."

"Shut up, bitch."

"So creative with your come backs."

Deidara grabbed a ball of clay from his side pouch and in less that two seconds had shaped it into a spider. He threw it at me, raising two fingers to eye-level. "K–"

Luck, apparently, was on my side today, because before Deidara could manage to get the word of death from his lips, a gray haired man came out from nowhere and slammed his fists into Deidara's side, sending Deidara flying down the hallway. The moment the man raised his eyes, I recognized him as Kabuto from the market place… Maybe luck wasn't on my side after all…

"Nice to meet you," said Tobi, cheerfully offering a hand to the enemy.

But, much to my surprise, Kabuto reached out to shake Tobi's hand. "Nice to meet you too…er… Sorry, I don't know your name."

Tobi nodded mournfully. "Tobi is new to the Akatsuki. Tobi is still learning and making his name known. Deidara-senpai is teaching Tobi much."

Deidara groaned and staggered to his feet after the blow Kabuto had given him. Deidara took one look at Tobi and Kabuto's idle chitchat and said, "Tobi – don't make friends with the enemy. You're just going to have to kill him anyways."

"But Tobi doesn't want to kill the nice man. Can't we all just be friends?"

I smacked Tobi over the head with the back of my hand, for once not needing Deidara to deal out the punishment. "Pull yourself together – are you a pissy girl scout!"

"But Hannah-Nunu…"

"No buts!" I pointed at Kabuto angrily. "Kill him."

Tobi nodded once, his one visible eye growing more determined. "If Hannah-Nunu wishes it!" And then he turned around and punched Kabuto in the face.

It was Kabuto's turn to go flying back. Only unlike Deidara, Kabuto had a concrete wall behind him. I cringed as there was heavy sound of body striking stone and a large dent appeared in the wall. However, Kabuto rose to his feet again and returned to his fight with Tobi.

Deidara and I stood on, watching this encounter curiously.

"I can't believe you managed to get Tobi to _fight_, uhn."

We stood in silence, admiring the epic fight going on before us (I will not describe the scene and allow you, oh wonderful readers, to let your imaginations go wild). But, when the fight stretched on for a good thirty minutes (which is about sixty chapters in a manga) Deidara and I began to get edgy.

"Why don't we just blow the whole place up?" he asked. "Kabuto and Tobi together."

But just as Deidara said those words, Kabuto landed a perfect blow on Tobi and the masked Akatsuki member went flying down the left hallway with the force of the blow (now, we all know that Tobi/Madara was just _pretending_ to be weak – but at the time, I thought Tobi was seriously injured). I can't say Tobi is my favorite guy in the world, but I certainly like him better than Kabuto. So, when I say Kabuto winning the fight, rage just took over. I grabbed my frying pan and _WHACK!_ – Kabuto didn't know what hit him.

His eyes rolled up in his head and he toppled to the ground in a useless pile with blood trickling down the side of his forehead.

At the sight of his body, my rage immediately subsided and I stared at him in shock. "I didn't kill him…did I?"

Deidara walked up beside me and stared at Kabuto's fallen body for a moment. "Katsu!"

The entire hallway exploded, rocks and tiles came crashing down from the ceiling piling in a heap on top of Kabuto. And, when the dust and debris disappeared, Deidara and I stood, staring at the wall that had just formed between us and the right side corridor.

"Now we'll never know who killed him, uhn," said Deidara with a shrug. Then, he turned and saw Tobi laying on the ground down the left-corridor. "Shit. I thought he was with Kabuto."

I wasn't paying attention to that. Instead, I looked at the left corridor, which was wide open and then I looked at the right corridor, which was blocked off by a wall of debris. Then, I turned to Deidara and grinned. "I told you my left senses were tingling."

* * *

><p><p>

We were walking down another corridor, and, once again, Deidara and I were struggling not to kill Tobi. He had remembered yet another song that Dessie had taught him (I wanted to save Dessie less and less as the day went on) and now Tobi was singing at the top of his lungs the Teletubbies theme song. Thankfully, Deidara had had enough and tried to blow Tobi up, which momentarily stopped the singing as Tobi screamed and ran for his life.

"I never thought I'd see the day where I was grateful for your artwork, Deidara," I muttered.

He set off another explosive and cried, "Art is a bang!"

"But more importantly it shuts Tobi up."

"And it – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

I never got to find out what else Deidara's art was because at that moment the tiled floor of Orochimaru's hideout opened and swallowed the three of us whole. I found myself plunging downwards through the darkness rapidly and then, suddenly, I stopped. I landed on a sort of smooth cushion substance that hissed.

Wait a second…_hissed_!

I screamed.

"What? What's going on? Why is Hannah-Nunu screaming? Tobi can't see!"

And then there was light.

Deidara stood at the bottom of the hole, holding a ball of flames in his hand (some jutsu of his). But, it was not the sight of Deidara that startled me, but the contents of the pit that the lights revealed. Hundreds and hundreds of snakes were slithering around the bottom of the hole. They coiled around our ankles, baring their fangs and hissing.

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire," said Tobi amusedly.

And right about then was when I panicked and lost all self control. I jumped on Deidara's back, screeching and shrieking all the while.

"What are you doing! Uhn! Get off of me!" Deidara clawed at his back, trying to throw me off. Eventually he managed to get a good grip and he hurled me over his shoulder to the ground.

The snakes hissed angrily, preparing to bite, but before they could strike, Tobi leapt in front of me and snarled. The snakes were so surprised at this new development that they shrunk away from us, unsure what to do. Tobi turned to me, smiling excitedly, and asked, "Did Tobi do good?"

I nodded mutely, eyes fixated on the snakes. "Tobi is a good boy…"

Deidara was watching me curiously. Then, he said slowly, "Are you afraid of snakes, Hannah?"

I didn't reply – for my own safety.

But Deidara was smart enough to know the answer. He bent down and picked up one of the hissing snakes, holding it tightly by the neck. "Look at this, Hannah, isn't it pretty?" He took a step towards me, baring the snake in front of him.

"G-g-get that thing away from me!" I cried, backing away.

"Deidara-senpai shouldn't be mean to Hannah-Nunu!" said Tobi.

Ignoring his partner, Deidara took another step towards me, the snake glaring at me angrily. "Look, Hannah," said Deidara. "The snake wants to say hi." He took another step towards me.

"Don't joke with me, you blond fur ball!" I screamed. And, with newfound force, I swung my frying pan at Deidara's head.

The good news is, the frying pan made contact and Deidara dropped to the ground unconscious, letting go of the snake and he did so. The bad news is, I clipped Tobi on the backswing of my frying pan and he collapsed too. I stood in the middle of the snake pit, looking around as my two shinobi protectors lay unconscious.

Rule Number Fifteen: Frying pans make good weapons – but sometimes they're too good and knock _both_ your partners out. Oopsie.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I love Hannah. Of course, I will admit that Dessie is my favorite of the three girls though I do love them all. Dessie is my favorite simply because her personality is so similar to mine (I hit people a lot and am boy crazy to the point of stalking. I swear a lot less than Dessie though). Anyways, no one cares about that. It has come to my attention that Deidara as become a lot nicer lately. That was totally unintentional and I will have to fix that. Thank you to those of you who reviewed it was greatly appreciated. Now do so again or the snakes will crawl into your bed when you least expect it!  
><strong>


	16. Flight of the Akatsuki

**Chapter Sixteen: Flight of the Akatsuki**

**_Rule Number Sixteen: Always listen to the gingerbread men; they are wise creatures._**

**Dessie**

Hi, beautiful readers. May I be the first to say that I am so glad you didn't click the X-button after suffering two chapters from Kate and Hannah's point of views. Now, while Kisame, Itachi, and Kate were busy fooling around with psychopathic shinobi like Sir and revenge-sworn baby brothers like Sasuke and while Deidara, Tobi, and Hannah were battling the ugly-faced Kabuto and the snake put of horrors, one team was actually doing their job properly. And, as amazing as this fact is, that team was Hidan and Kakuzu.

I was sitting in my cell (which had been upgraded to one with a comfy bed and an adjoining bathroom after my conversation with Orochimaru) when Kakuzu and Hidan come storming in.

They take one look at the room – with all its lavish furniture and fancy bedspreads – and me sitting in the middle of it and what do they say?

"I _told_ you," says Kakuzu. "Orochimaru has better prison cells that we do bedrooms – isn't that just total bullshit."

"Hell, no," snapped Hidan. "I thought Sasori was just making that crap up."

"You owe me twenty bucks, moron." Kakuzu moved to shut the door.

"Hey! You shitheads!" I called, hopping up from my bed. "Don't leave me here with Ugly-Glasses and Medusa!"

"Who the hell is that?" asked Hidan.

"Ugly-Glasses and Medusa? Ugly-Glasses is Kabuto because he looks like a dung beetle and Medusa is Orochimaru because of all his snakes and stuff. Why you want to know?"

Hidan looked pained for a second (like he was thinking too hard). "Isn't Medusa that crazy bitch with snakes for hair that turned people to stone when she looked at them?"

I nodded. "That's the one."

"Wow – you actually came up with a decent nickname!"

"Glad to know my efforts are appreciated," I said sarcastically. "Can we go now? I don't want to spend another minute with Medusa."

Hidan sneezed.

"Warg bless you."

Annoyed, Hidan rounded on me, his eyes flashing violently. "I don't want to be blessed by your crummy god! Jashin-sama remains ruler of all!"

I scowled, folding my arms across my chest in stubborn defiance. "My god owns you god, no questions asked. Now shut the hell up about it!"

"You little–"

"You're both morons with crapped gods," said Kakuzu wearily. "No can we go before we have to run into Oro – Never mind."

Hidan and I turned to Kakuzu, puzzled. "Never mind what?"

"Orochimaru's already here."

And, sure enough, the hideous creeper with long, slimy black hair, a sheer-white face, and a pink tongue which slithered around like a serpent, getting excited at the sight of fresh meat and flapping about wildly. Orochimaru was staring at the three of us, his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"You're here to take Dessie away?" he asked, stepped across the room so that he stood by my side.

"Well…" said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "If you really want to keep her you can – but it'll cost you."

"Hell," said Hidan. "We'll give her to you for free!"

And then, much to our horror (especially mine), Orochimaru reached out a hand and stroked the side of my face. He wrapped his arms around me and his tongue lapped slowly against my skin (he could rival Zetsu as the scariest member of the Akatsuki).

"Why do I have to pay you for what's already mine?" asked Orochimaru. "I happen to like my little pet – she has good taste in specimen." He chucked and patted me on the head like a little doggy.

Well, being licked by Orochimaru was not high on my "Fun" list. So I glowered at him and said, "Let go of me – I know your weak spot."

Orochimaru looked confused. "I don't have a weak spot."

Hidan was laughing his ass off. "I'd let go of her if I were you – she knows your weak spot."

"I don't have a weak spot!"

So, I kicked Orochimaru between the legs and he went crashing to the ground, like all the other men who have fallen victim to my trap. Then, while he was lying on the floor curled up in the fetal position, Hidan, Kakuzu, and I ran for the exit (laughing all the way on my part).

We sprinted along the hallways depending on Kakuzu's sense of direction to find us the exit. However, as we soon discovered, direction are not his strong point. And soon we found ourselves standing in the middle of a corridor with plain, white tile floors and stone walls. Hidan looked around, completely confused and then said, "Where the fuck are we?"

"We're lost!" I asked incredulously.

"We're not lost," snapped Kakuzu. "I know exactly where we are."

"Let's stop and ask for directions," I said, which caused both of them to gawp at me in amazement.

"Who are we supposed to ask for directions?" asked Hidan.

Kakuzu glowered at the two of us and then folded his arms stubbornly. "I don't need directions – I know exactly where we are."

"And where is that?"

"Er…here…in Orochimaru's hideout…"

"You see, we need dir–" I began, but my words were cut off by a very sudden and very loud scream. The three of I looked around, trying to find the source of the noise.

"Is someone being sacrificed to Jashin-sama?" asked Hidan.

"That scream!" I cried as it came again. "It's so familiar!"

Kakuzu found the location and the three of us sprinted down the hallway until we came in side of a gigantic hole in the floor where the tiles had collapsed. We peered down the gap and found ourselves staring into a snake pit…with the most unusual sight: Hannah had somehow knocked Deidara and Tobi out and had piled their bodies on top of one another so that she could stand on them to keep her farther away from the snakes on the ground.

"Hannah!" I cried, waving at her excitedly.

She looked up and caught sight of me, her brown eyes wide with fear. "Dessie! Get me the hell out of here!"

"But you look like you're having so much fun!"

She screamed as a snake tried to slither up Deidara's body (which was on the bottom). Hannah waved around her frying pan, and knocked the hissing snake back to the floor. "Do I look like I'm having fun, bitch!" she shrieked.

I watched this amusing scene for a little longer and then turned back to Kakuzu. "Can you get them out of there?"

Kakuzu said nothing, but he moved to the edge of the hole and, using his black tentacles, lifted Deidara, Tobi, and Hannah out of the hole, one by one. Hannah squealed and flung her arms around Kakuzu's neck in gratitude before he pushed her away and, for a second, debated shoving her back into the hole.

"You're alive!" cried Hannah, turning to me. "And…_Hidan_ saved you!"

I nodded with a similar disbelief. "I know! And you're lucking it was them instead of you – I don't think you could have survived a meeting with Medusa."

Hannah shuddered. "Where's Medusa?"

"Orochimaru – he has an _obsession_ with snakes and other such perverted things. He showed me his collection and stuff." I giggled at the memory of Snow Hottie – maybe it hadn't been all bad.

"Dessie-Nunu!"

We both turned around to see Tobi leaping off the ground having awakened from his slumber. He flung his arms around my neck and cried out over and over again, "Tobi missed Dessie-Nunu! Tobi was so worried for Dessie-Nunu! Is Dessie-Nunu okay?"

I made a face in the direction of Hannah and said awkwardly, "Dessie is okay – so you can _get off now_ _Tobi_."

Much to my surprise, Tobi did get off, but instead he grabbed hold of Hannah and my hands and clutched them tightly in his own. "We're all together again, my nunus!"

And then, before we could say another word, the voice of Orochimaru came echoing down the hallway screaming something along the lines of: "WHEN I FIND YOU I WILL RIP YOU LIFELESS FROM HEAD TO TOE AND SPILL OUT YOU RED GUTS UPON THE FLOOR FOR MY PETS TO EAT!"

"Time to go!" I declared.

And, leaving the cussing Hidan to carry the unconscious Deidara on his back, we all sprinted away down the hallway in search of the exit with Orochimaru hot on our heels. Unfortunately, Tobi and Hannah were just as bad at directions as Kakuzu and we so found ourselves wandering through the tunnel of a cave with no clue which way was left and which was right – let alone locate the exit.

"Why is this so fucking difficult!" asked Hidan, dropping Deidara on the ground when we came to a halt. Deidara jerked awake as his body hit the ground and he leapt to his feet looking around wildly.

"You're finally awake, shithead," snapped Hidan. "After I had to carry you the whole way."

"Where the hell am I!" cried Deidara.

"We're lost," I said irritably.

Suddenly, Deidara caught sight of Hannah and he rounded on her angrily. "You bitch! You knocked me out in the snake pit!"

Hannah began backing away quickly. "No I didn't – you fainted on your own – I have no idea what you're talking about – ha-ha-ha…ha….ha…." He laughter died away and she gave in. "Sorry…"

"I'll kill you!" shouted Deidara, grabbing a ball of clay and beginning to morph it into the form of a snake.

Hannah screamed and ran away to cowered behind Kakuzu, who, not want to get involved, offered her up as a sacrifice to quell Deidara's rage. However, lucky for Hannah, at that moment a timid voice cried out, "Who's there?" And we all froze in place.

"Kate!" shrieked Hannah and I at once.

"You guys!" She came sprinting out of the darkness and flung her arms around our necks. "You're alive!"

"Of course we're alive," said Dessie indignantly. "It takes more than a bunch of violent creepers to kill us."

"I was more worried about the Akatsuki killing you…" said Kate thoughtfully. "But oh well. Itachi's this way!" And, with a bright red face, she led the group a little down the tunnel to where Itachi stood over the unconscious body of Sasuke.

My response went a little something like this:

"HOTTIE!" And I flung my arms around Itachi's neck and planted him a big kiss on the lips. Then, I leapt to Sasuke's side and screamed, "MINI-HOTTIE – what have they done to you!" and then proceeded to perform CPR on him.

"What happened to Sasuke-bitch?" asked Hidan.

"Itachi knocked him out when he tried to kill me." Kate glanced at Itachi with a _glowing _expression (I had a very bad feeling about this).

"Why?" I asked Itachi. "Why did you damaged Mini-Hottie!"

"Hn."

"He's perfectly alive," translated Kakuzu. "Itachi just knocked him out temporarily."

"You can speak the 'hn' language too!" cried Kate in horror.

We all stared at her in silence. And then, there came the sound of Orochimaru's voice and dozens of footsteps chasing after us.

"Time to go!" cried Deidara, turning to leave.

I remained, clinging on to Sasuke's fallen body. "Can I keep him?"

"No!" they all shouted in unison.

"Not even as a pet?"

"No, bitch!" screamed Hidan. "Now haul your ass out of here before Orochimaru decides to keep you as a pet again!"

And, with that threat in mind, I leapt to my feet, leaving the fallen Sasuke behind, and sprinted after the others. We carried on down the passage way (at least this time Itachi had an excellent sense of direction) and, eventually, we came upon the sight of Kisame who was torturing some shinobi wearing a knight's helmet.

"What the hell?" I cried at the sight of him.

"Oh hey" said Kisame. He glanced at Kate and grinned. "I shoved his shitty gauntlet down his throat."

"Yay!" she cried cheerfully.

"No time to celebrate!" shouted Deidara. "We're fleeing."

Kisame dropped the shinobi's body on the ground and it landed with a heavy crack. Then, we all turned and fled down the tunnel, Orochimaru and his experiments racing after us.

Unable to prevent myself, I twisted around and screamed over my shoulder: "_Run, run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me – I'm the gingerbread man_!"

And so, the all-powerful, criminally insane Akatsuki and their three fake-prostitutes made like gingerbread men and high-tailed it out of there before Orochimaru could catch us. Rule Number Sixteen: Always listen to the advice of gingerbread men; they are wise creatures and knew what they were talking about.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: And so ends the Dessie-kidnapped by Mini-Hottie and Medua Arc. My story does have arcs, doesn't it? First we have the Brothel arc, then the mission arc, and now the Dess-kidnapped arc - with some fillers in between. Hmm...So, anyone have some arc suggestions? I need some ideas for awhile...  
><strong>


	17. Love Guru Returns

**Chapter Seventeen: Love Guru Returns **

**_Rule Number Seventeen: Kisame makes a terrible Love Guru (especially if you're Kate)._**

**Kate**

Hello, wonderful readers. About a month has passed since our catastrophic rescue mission at Orochimaru's hideout. Things have been rather low-key with the Akatsuki. They sold Hannah, Dessie, and me twice to brothels and we fled back home in desperation to keep out chastity intact. The Akatsuki members also went on four more missions (one for each team and one for Zetsu) but my friends and I were forced to stay back with the "mission" of cleaning the hideout. This mainly consisted of Dessie sitting back and supervising Hannah and me. But, finally, it came to the second week of December when the first real frosts began to hit that anything interesting happened.

A snowstorm hit the area around the Akatsuki hideout and we found ourselves, all twelve of us, holed up inside with no escape.

Leader and Konan, as always, spent their time together in Leader's office (Dessie claims they aren't working in there, but she has no proof so we dismiss her words a just theories). Kakuzu was sitting in his room working on some new money scheme of his while Hidan was in their bathroom sacrificing yet another person to Jashin-sama. That left Deidara, who was making another piece of art, and Zetsu, who was watering the agapanthus. The rest of us were lounging about in the living room.

Hannah, Dessie, and I had hijacked Kakuzu's deck of cards and were now playing some intensive rounds of poker while Tobi sat behind Hannah and tried to put flowers in her hair when she wasn't looking. Dessie was raking up the chips in Texas Hold 'Em, which only inflated after Kisame tried to give me bad advice. Itachi sat in the far corner of the room, reading yet another book. I kept sending him secretive glances every two minutes, my face brightening each time I saw his handsome face.

"All in," said Hannah grimly, pushing the few remaining chips of her onto the table.

"I call." Dessie placed the according number beside Hannah's chips (it was a small dent in Dessie's mountain pile).

"I fold," I said.

"Is Hannah-Nunu going to lose to Dessie-Nunu?" asked Tobi as he tried to tuck a sunflower behind Hannah's ear. She swatted his hand away and up turned her cards.

"I have a flush," said Hannah, revealing her cards.

Dessie grinned and slowly revealed her full house hand.

"Bitch," snapped Hannah, shoving her chips at Dessie. "Who said you could be so good at poker?"

"Uncle taught me," said Dessie cheerfully.

"Uncle?" asked Kisame as Dessie dealt out the next hand.

"Her uncle was a poker player," explained Hannah glumly. "He taught her all the tricks of the trade – but don't let Kakuzu know. Dessie wants to pretend to be really bad and then trick him into giving her all his money."

"Kakuzu's not bad at poker either…" said Kisame thoughtfully.

"Dessie's a friggin' genius at it."

Kisame grinned. "Just make sure I'm there when it happens."

Itachi slammed his book closed and quietly got up from his seat, making his was towards the door of the living room.

"Where you going?" Kisame asked.

Itachi glanced back over his shoulder and said, "Kitchen, I'm hungry." And then he walked out, closing the door behind him.

My face burned bright red at the thought of him and, as always, my friends and Kisame noticed. They all leaned forward, malicious smirks spreading across their faces. Only Hannah shook her head and rolled her eyes to the high heavens.

"By God, not another one!"

"_Hottie_?" asked Dessie, slightly mortified. "But hottie is my soul mate!"

"Tobi's just glad it's not him anymore. Tobi has Hannah-Nunu and Dessie-Nunu already!" And with that Tobi flung his arms around the two girls' necks in an awkward group hug.

Dessie pushed Tobi's arm off and said to me, "Sorry, Kate, there's no room in the harem for you."

My face turned scarlet and I sat there looking like a very red tomato while they all laughed (with exception of Tobi who looked confused at the word 'harem'). Then, much to no one's surprise, Kisame placed a hand on my head and cried, "Kisame the Love Guru is back in business!"

"But…things didn't work out so well last time…" I stammered.

Kisame ignored me. "Itachi's all alone in the kitchen right now – go! Confess! As we've said that's the first part to a happy-happy love!"

My protests were drowned out as Kisame dragged me out of the room and threw me into the kitchen at Itachi's feet. Holding a bag of healthy snacks (I can't imagine Itachi eating junk food) he stared down at me critically.

"Er…I-I-I-Itachi…" I stumbled over the words nervously. "I-I-I-I have s-s-something to t-t-t-tell you…"

"Hn."

"I-I love…y-y-y-you…"

Itachi stared at me and then, for the first time in his life I think, Itachi got flustered. Of course, his being flustered was not the same as everyone else's flustered – instead of stammering and blushing, Itachi spoke in complete sentences.

"I'm sorry…" He glanced at the door, searching for an escape route. "I have…er…someone I already like. Yeah." And then he darted towards the exit.

But, unfortunately for Itachi, Kisame had been standing outside the door of the kitchen and the moment Itachi mumbled about liking someone else, Kisame threw open the door and cried, "What is this! Itachi _likes_ someone!"

"Er… no, I don't…" began Itachi.

Kisame didn't hear, or chose not to hear, but instead he grabbed Itachi by the shoulders and cried, "Who is it? Who's the lucky girl!"

"I was…"

"She must be from the Akatsuki," said Kisame thoughtfully. "You wouldn't dare talk to anyone else. So it's either Hannah, Dessie, or Konan!"

"W-w-w-what about me?" I asked, still kneeling on the floor where Kisame had thrown me earlier. "Aren't I part of the list?"

Kisame waved a careless hand in my direction, no even sparing me a glance. "Yeah, yeah – no one cares. Itachi already rejected you so you can't be on the list."

"So mean!" I wailed.

But Kisame was already talking excitedly to Itachi, trying to figure out which girl was the object of Itachi's affections.

* * *

><p>This was not my day. Not only had I been rejected by Itachi and ignored by Kisame, but now I was sitting on the sofa in the living room squished between a blood-stained Hidan and a very, very pissed off Leader. Both had been dragged from important duties by Kisame and forced to sit down, shut up, and listen as Kisame became his show of "Itachi's Secret Love Life".<p>

The premise was, I figured out, that Kisame had summoned three doors and behind each one of the three doors was a girl who was possible the person Itachi likes – could Kisame the Love Guru possibly be more insensitive!

All the members of the Akatsuki who were not female slouched around the living room, glowing at Kisame, who stood in front of them dressed in an obnoxiously white suit. He smiled at me and waved, but I only scowled in reply.

"Hello, gentlemen and lady." He nodded in my direction. "And welcome to this week's entertainment – Itachi's Secret Love Life!" Kisame wrapped and arm around Itachi's shoulders and dragged the protesting Itachi to the front of the room. "Early today the Akatsuki's own beloved Itachi Uchiha was confessed to–"

Everyone looked at me simultaneously. Apparently my secret confessions were not as secret as I thought (I blame Kisame).

"However, Itachi replied to this poor girl's confession by openly declaring his love for a mysterious girl. And now, my fellow Akatsuki members, we shall discover who is the love of Itachi's life."

There was scattered, half-hearted applause, most of which was coming from Tobi. Hidan looked pissed off while Kakuzu looked ready to murder. Zetsu was nurturing a plant in the corner and Leader was about to start lobbing off heads.

"Now, Itachi," said Kisame, turning the both of them around to face the doors. "We have three doors here. A blue one, a yellow one, and a red one. Pick a door, any door, and you are going to confess to the girl behind it. If she agrees – she is your _soul mate_. If not, she'll go take a seat in the stands with the rest of the audience."

"I don't see how this reveals my secret crush…" muttered Itachi. "If I had one…"

Kisame ignored him. "Pick a door!"

"Hn."

"Yellow it is then, Itachi!" cried Kisame, pointing a blue finger towards the door on the far left which was a shade of bright, sunshine yellow. Mist streamed into the room and the lights dimmed, one spotlight fell upon the yellow door and another spotlight on Itachi. Slowly, the door creaked open and a young woman stepped out. She was tall and thin wearing a long, yellow dress with a daisy tucked in her brown hair. A _luxurious _beauty with grace and poise…

"What the hell is this, Kisame?" snapped Hannah irritably.

The light came back on to reveal an angry audience and a less than satisfied Hannah.

"We're trying to figure out who Itachi is in love with," explained Kisame. He turned to Itachi. "Come on, confess to her."

"Hn."

Kisame rolled his eyes dramatically and turned to Hannah. "Itachi says he's deeply in love with you and wants to go out with you."

Hannah looked from Kisame to Itachi and back. "This is total bullshit. If I had my frying pan I'd beat you half to death." And then she stormed past the two of them so sit on the ground in front of the squishy armchair where Kakuzu sat.

"This is fucking retarded!" snapped Hidan. "Jashin-sama is getting impatient."

Kisame ignored him too. "I'm sorry, Itachi, but I think that is a no. Well then, what door should we try next? Red? Or Blue?"

"Hn."

"Blue it is then!" And Kisame turned back to the blue door, waving his arm with flourish.

Again, the light dimmed and smoke came pouring out of nowhere. This time, however, dramatic music was playing in the background as the door slipped open and, dressed in a purple kimono, stood Konan who was glaring icily at Kisame.

"Well?" asked Kisame. "Confess to her Itachi!"

"Hn."

"He professing deep love for you," Kisame told Konan. "With a joy that stretches up to the moon and back and is immeasurable – he wants to spend his entire life with you walking through town and on beaches killing shinobi left and right without a care in the world…"

Konan walked past Kisame and Itachi without a word and plopped herself down on the couch between me and Leader. And, if I do say so myself, Leader looked very pleased with this outcome.

"Sorry, Itachi," said Kisame, laying a comforting hand on Itachi's shoulder. "I think that's another rejection there. Well, never mind, there's still the red door!"

Dimmed lights, smoke screen, dramatic music, and out steps a gorgeous blond with hair piled on top of her – his head. Wait a second! I blinked confusedly. Why was Deidara stepping out of the red door?

Kisame looked as bewildered as me for a moment, but he quickly recovered and turned to Itachi. "And behind door number three is the stunning Deidara! Confession time, Itachi!"

Both Itachi and Deidara glowered at Kisame, and then, one after the other, they punched him in the nose. Deidara stormed across the room and took a seat as far away from Tobi as possible (which happened to be beside Hannah). Kisame stood at the front of the room, clutching his nose between two fingers and trying to stop the blood from dripping out.

"Awwww dit," he said thickly. "Deidara wasn't dapposed do cobe oud of dad door."

"Then who was?" asked Deidara irritably.

"Me, asshole!"

And, before anyone could really register what was going on, Dessie came sprinting into the room where a short red dress and she kicked Deidara in the knee. He yelped in pain and curled up on the floor, whimpering.

"How dare you steal my confession!" shrieked Dessie angrily.

"Owwwww."

With an "hmph" of anger, Dessie turned her back on Deidara and returned to the front of the room where Kisame and Itachi stood. "Where's my confession, Fish Fry."

Itachi glared.

"He days he lubs you…" said Kisame through his broken nose.

"YAY!" Dessie clapped her hands excitedly and flung her arms around Itachi's neck. "I love you too! I accept! Let's get married!"

"Er…" Itachi glanced at the exit. "I don't…like anyone…lies…"

"Or maybe we should date first," said Dessie thoughtfully, completely ignoring Itachi. Then she giggled gleefully and gave him a gigantic kiss on the lips.

Then, with a huge, devious grin on his face, Kisame turned to the audience. "Thank you all for your time, but now we have to give the new lovers some time alone." Kisame wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Rule Number Seventeen: Kisame makes a shitty Love Guru – especially if you're Itachi.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well, since everyone seemed to like Kisame the Love Guru, he has returned! Only this time, he has the idea to pair Itachi and Dessie together (unfortunately Itachi has not romantic feelings for Dessie at all). Oopsie. Maybe one day the Love Guru will get it right. This story is actually the beginning of a new arc which will feature Naruto briefly and have actually relation to the original series (though, I will admit, rather loosely). Anyways, you'll have to wait and see. But for now review! Will Itachi ever find it in his heart to love Dessie? Will Kate ever find love? And will Tobi ever be successful at putting flowers in Hannah's hair? TUNE IN TEXT TIME FOR THE ANSWERS! (dun dun dun). Review, of Kisame will become YOUR Love Guru (and that can only be a bad thing)  
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	18. On the Lake Edge

**Chapter Eighteen: On the Lake Edge**

**_Rule Number Eighteen: Avoid Dessie – bad things happen around her. _**

**Hannah**

I am going on a date with Kisame.

Not a real date, sorry if I got your hopes up, but a fake date – for Itachi's sake. You see, today is December the 24th and, since Itachi is now Dessie's 'official boyfriend' she wanted to drag him out on a date. Itachi, who never once agreed to be Dessie's boyfriend, begged (or should I say glared down) Kisame until Kisame agreed to go on a double date. And since Kate had a crush on Itachi and Leader would kill Kisame for asking Konan on a date, I was the only available option. Hence, I am going on a date with Kisame.

So, on the day before Christmas, Dessie woke me up bright and early with a huge smile plastered across her face.

"What do you want?" I grumbled, rolling over in bed irritably.

"Date!"

"We're not leaving until noon…"

"It's ten o'clock already," cried Dessie impatiently. "Come on! Konan has agreed to help prettify us!"

"But I don't want to be prettified!" I wailed pathetically.

"Not even for Kisame?"

After hearing that she and Itachi would be going on a double date with Kisame and me, Dessie had mistakenly come to the conclusion that Kisame and I had a 'thing'. So, now, she used that as an excuse to blackmail me into everything.

"I don't want to be prettified," I repeated sullenly.

But, of course, Dessie wouldn't take no for an answer. She grabbed me by the feet and dragged me out of bed so that I fell with a loud _clunk_. I sat up and rubbed my now bruised ass, glaring at Dessie. "Fine, fine; I'm up. Where's Konan?"

Gleefully, Dessie led me down the hallway to Konan's room, which she had to herself seeing as she was the only Akatsuki girl (though Dessie is convinced that Leader makes frequent trips there in the middle of the night). Konan's room was exactly as I would expect her room to look. The room was straight and neat with three cream-colored walls and one purple and was decorated with little origami pieces.

"Good morning, Konan," said Dessie as we walked in.

To my surprise I saw that Kate was in there as well, slouching on the end of Konan's bed rather miserable. She smiled rather pathetically at Dessie and me before saying, "I wish I could go."

"All the Akatsuki males are afraid you'll fall in love with them if they ask you anywhere," I explained sitting on the bed next to Kate. "So what are you here for then?"

"Konan and I have been picking out your outfits."

I glanced at Kate, whose sense of fashion consisted of jeans with jeans in the knees and baggy t-shirts. Then, I said, "My sense of fashion is far better than yours."

"Don't rub it in," she muttered.

A cheerful Dessie hopped down on the bed beside us and grinned excitedly. "So what have you picked out, Konan?"

Without a word, Konan moved to her closet and pulled out two outfits. I had to admit she had style – and a taste for other people's style. The outfit she'd chosen for me was a simple, large flower shirt that fell to my thighs and black leggings underneath. Dessie, on the other hand, wore shorts over fish-net tights and a clingy black shirt which emphasized the bust which she was so proud of. I won't bore you with the rest of the details of our wardrobe, but, of the most part, Konan ended the clothing with a large sunflower hair clip which she fastened in behind my ear.

"To make Tobi jealous," she explained. "I got to put a flower in your hair."

With a laugh, Dessie jumped across the room to examine herself in the mirror. "Damn, I look hot!"

"Humility is a vitue," I said.

"The meek may inherit the earth, but for now it belongs to the conceited like me." Dessie grinned.

"You're awful. I hope no one ever takes life lessons from the nonsense that comes out of your mouth. That person will live a life of complete b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t."

Dessie giggled delightedly. "But it works. I'm dating Itachi Uchiha, am I not?"

"Not willingly," I hissed under my breath.

Whether Dessie heard me or not, I don't know, but either way she acted as if she hadn't. Instead, she checked her watch and, sure enough, it was noon. She grabbed me by the wrist and hauled me outside into the living room where Itachi and Kisame were waiting. To my surprise, neither of them was wearing their Akatsuki cloaks, but rather they had on plain t-shirts and jeans with jackets over them (it was winter after all).

"Okay," I said grimly. "Let's get this over with."

"Don't sound so negative," said Dessie, elbowing me in the ribs. "Just admit your crazy in love with Kisame."

Groaning, I glanced in Kisame's direction and saw his wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"I know I'm irresistible," he said. "Just admit you fell for the Blue's charm."

"Dear God – I am going to _die_."

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I am freezing my ass off and I blame Dessie. Her idea of a 'date' is dragging the four of us out in the winter snow to go _swimming_ in a lake which is now frozen solid. What the hell is wrong with that psychotic bitch!

"I didn't think it'd be frozen," said Dessie thoughtfully.

"It's the middle of fucking December!" I screamed. "Of course it'd be frozen." Then, after some consideration, I asked, "Did you even bring swimsuits?"

Dessie nodded mutely and opened the shoulder bag she had brought with her. She pulled out four swimsuits: two flowery bikinis for us and two…speedos for Itachi and Kisame. I gawped at the swimsuits for a moment, unwanted mental images flashing through my mind.

"Gah! My eyes!" I screamed. "They burn!"

"What happened?" asked Kisame, approaching us after he and Itachi had taken a run around the lake. Itachi followed behind Kisame, shuffling awkwardly as if reluctant to get near Dessie.

I tried to stuff the swimsuits back in Dessie's bag, but Kisame saw the speedos and a sick, twisted smile curved about his lips.

"You want to get me in my underwear all you had to do was ask."

Dessie shrieked. "Hannah! I always thought I was the perverted one of the group. Now I find you doing kinky things with Kisame!"

"Hell no!" I screamed. "Goddammit! I hate you, Kisame!"

Kisame leaned over and whispered loudly in Dessie's ear, "She's like a cactus – she acts prickly on the surface, but inside – she's juicy sweet."

"Oh-ho."

I spun around and grabbed Itachi by the arm, glaring at Kisame and Dessie. "I've changed my mind – I'm going on a date with Itachi – you and your lover boy, Kisame, can have all the _private time_ you need." Then, I turned to Itachi and said, "Let's go for a stroll."

"No!" screamed Dessie, sprinting towards us. "Hottie is _my _boyfriend!"

Itachi grabbed my wrist and pulled me out onto the icy surface of the lake, fleeing Dessie as fast as he could. I followed, barely able to keep up with Itachi's speed. Then we stepped onto the ice and my legs almost gave out beneath me as I slipped and slid. However, much to my surprise, Itachi held me up and continued fleeing across the ice.

"Wait! Hottie! Come back!" screamed Dessie. She stepped onto the lake's surface and, within three seconds flat, fell smack on her face. "Ow…"

"You're a little slow," said Kisame as he stepped out onto the ice and gazed down at the fallen Dessie.

"Shut up and help me catch my boyfriend," said Dessie, staggering to her feet. She fell again and Kisame simply stood over her, laughing. When Dessie next tried to stand up, Kisame raced away, sliding along the ice as if he had skates on instead of flat shoes.

"Don't leave me here!" screamed Dessie.

I turned around, now standing with Itachi somewhere in the middle of the lake. "I think you're safe now."

"Hn."

Itachi moved away from me, leaving me stranded on the ice. I cautiously slid forward, only to feel my feet collapse beneath me and, with a heavy slam, I landed face first on the ice.

Slowly, I crawled along the ice on my hands and knees – afraid that if I were to stand up, I would break something valuable.

"You look like a slug," said Kisame as he skated by.

"Shut up," I snapped. "I expect a steaming mug of a hot chocolate when I get back to terra firma."

Kisame grinned. "Would like some marshmallows with that?"

"Yes," I said, my hands slowly turning a bright shade of blue. "And be quick about it. You should buy Dessie some as well…as apology…." I glanced pityingly at the poor girl who lay curled up in a ball of pain on the banks of the lake.

"Itachi should buy some for her," said Kisame. He snickered. "Since Itachi is her _boyfriend_."

"I almost feel sorry for Dessie," I muttered.

"What about Itachi?"

"Meh. He'll get over it."

Kisame laughed and, with a farewell solute, he skated off after Itachi. Soon, the two of them disappeared into the forest as they headed towards the nearby town to by some hot chocolate.

After a good five minutes of crawling, I reached the bank beside Dessie and sat down on the snow covered land.

"This was a disaster of a date," I told her.

Dessie sniffled, still holding her sides in pain. "I hate the winter…"

"I'm more of a summer girl myself," I said reasonably. "And you are…autumn – right?"

Dessie smiled. "As our old teacher would say – autumn is when the trees catch on fire, but never burn."

"Ah, Mrs. Debar. If there is one thing back on Earth that I don't miss, Mrs. Debar is it. Her English classes were torture." I smiled fondly at the memory of many hours wasted doodling in her class. "Remember the time she busted Kate for sleeping in her class… Mrs. Debar practically blew a fuse."

"Good times, good times…" Dessie's voice trailed off and her gaze focused suddenly on something in the distance. And immediately spark started to glow in Dessie's eyes and her body grew tense, as if on red-alert. I knew those signs very well; it meant that a new hottie had just entered Dessie's radar.

"Who's there?" I asked under my breath, glancing over my shoulder to see who had caught Dessie's attention.

Two men were walking along the edge of the lake, talking casually. The man who was closest to the lake's edge looked to be somewhere in his late twenties with short, dark brown hair and tanned skin – the obvious hottie of the pair. His companion, however, was pretty good-looking too (though not Dessie's style) with long brown hair that was spiked up in the back, resembling a gigantic pineapple.

"I get the one on our right," muttered Dessie.

I grinned. "What happened to Hottie?"

Dessie smiled back. "My boyfriend is on a whole different level."

"Of course–"

A hand struck my hard in the side of the head. My whole body seized up and I felt the edges of my vision blur. In front of me, Dessie collapsed to the ground, the figure of a busty, blond female standing above her.

It's a kidnapping, I realized with sudden horror. We're being kidnapped.

At this, I almost laughed aloud. My body started falling towards the ground and one thought flashed through my mind. Rule Number Eighteen: Avoid Dessie – she gets kidnapped by the enemy far too much and it has disastrous consequences.

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When I opened my eyes, I was tied next to Dessie at the base of a tree. Unlike me, she was still asleep, snoring softly and mumbling something about her 'collection' – Warg knows what she's thinking about!

Determined to pay as little attention to Dessie as possible, I turned to observe my surroundings. We were in the middle of a forest with trees surrounding us. Four figures were sleeping under the light of the rising sun, a dimly burning campfire between them. Two of the four figures, I realized, were the men from the lake – the hottie with short hair and the good-looking pineapple. Then, there was a blond girl dressed in purple and a chubby boy. They were all shinobi.

"You're awake."

I glanced over to see the pineapple gazing at me with level eyes. He had not been sleeping, like I had first assumed, but was rather keeping watch.

"Yeah," I said offhandedly. "What's it to you?"

"Questioning."

"Have fun with that."

He watched me silently for a moment. "What's your name?"

I debated not telling him, but, after awhile, I decided there would be no harm in it. "Hannah O'Reilly. You?"

"Shikamaru Nara."

"That's a mouthful of a first name," I said slightly amazed. "Can I just call you Shika?"

"No."

"Oh. Maru then?"

"No."

I smiled. "Too bad. I've grown fond of Maru. So, Maru, what're your companions' names?" I inclined my head in the direction of the sleeping people.

"Chouji, Asuma, and Ino," said Shikamaru wearily. "Don't call me Maru."

"This is Desdemona Lee – but you can call her Dessie or Idiot, either on works." I tried to shrug, but the ropes that bond me to the tree stopped the movement and rubbed irritably against my skin. "So why'd you kidnap us?"

"You're with the Akatsuki."

"Why is everything about the Akatsuki?" I asked. "Why can't someone just kidnap us for once because we're worth kidnapping? Someone just say 'wow. You people are really valuable. Let's kidnap you.' But no! It's always about the stupid shitheads in the Akatsuki."

"Er…"

There was the sound of rustling blanket and the blond haired girl – Ino – sat up, rubbing her eyes wearily. She caught sight of Shikamaru and me and stared.

"Fraternizing with the enemy, Shika?" she asked.

"That's it," I said sarcastically. "He couldn't resist my feminine charm and witty conversation. I am _quite_ the flirt."

Shikamaru groaned. "Troublesome women."

"Does he have a thing against chicks?" I asked Ino curiously.

She ignored me, speaking to Shikamaru instead. "So, during your fraternization, did you get any good information on the Akatsuki?"

"She's not going to open her mouth so easily," pointed out Shikamaru.

"What makes you say that?" I asked. "I'll happily tell you all sorts of things about the Akatsuki. Let's see…First, there's Kisame – a fucking pervert who looks like Fish Fry, though actually he's half-shark or something. Then there's Itachi – the guy never speaks and when he does all he ever says is 'hn'. He's actually currently 'dating' my friend Dessie, though in reality he was tricked into it by Kisame. After that you have Deidara and Tobi. Deidara is a psychopathic pyromaniac blond fur ball whose goal in life to blow everything to smithereens. Tobi is – if possible – even worse. He speaks about himself in third person and refers to Dessie and me as…nunus? And after that, there's Hidan and Kakuzu. Kakuzu is a money-loving, gambling version of Doctor Oc and Hidan is Jashinist Zombie Whore. Zetsu is..._my husband_ technically and spends more of his time with plans than with humans – literally since he lives in one. And then, Konan is the queen bee of the Akatsuki who Dessie swears has a 'thing' with Leader…" I wracked my brains for any more information. "No, that's about it."

Ino and Shikamaru were gawping at me.

"See," I said cheerfully. "All you had to do was ask."

"_You're married to an Akatsuki member_?" asked Shikamaru disbelievingly.

I groaned. "That's all you got out of that?"

"No…but…_really_?"

"Long story. We generally pretend it never happened."

Silence filled the clearing as both Shikamaru and Ino wondered if I really was insane. And then, from out of the silence, a voice said:

"Mine are _way_ bigger."

We all turned to stare at Dessie who, as of now, was awake. She was staring, rather irritably, at Ino's chest. Flustered, Ino wrapped her arms around her body and asked, "What?"

"You shitty whore," said Dessie. "Trying to flaunt your chest around like that – well, guess what, Blondie, my bust is _way_ bigger – and bouncier," she added thoughtfully.

I smacked the back of my head against the tree. "You wake up after being kidnapped and _that_ is the only thing you can say?"

"Yeah," said Dessie nonchalantly. "Why?"

"We are so screwed."

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><p><strong>AN: New Arc! Dessie Gets Kidnapped - AGAIN. Poor Hannah. First, I would like to congratulate Yuti-Chan for submitting the one hundreth review! YAY! I am dancing on the spot with joy (well, not really. I'm actually in the middle of French class not doing work). Anyways, I digress. So ends Itachi and Dessie's first date - very badly. And Dessie got into a bitch fight with Ino - YAY Dessie! Review - or Itachi will never speak to you again! Mwahahaha  
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	19. Death of a Hottie

**Chapter Nineteen: Death of a Hottie**

**_Rule Number Nineteen: In the Akatsuki being a prostitute is a good thing – it means they'll save you for the sake of money_**

**Dessie**

I have to say, travelling with Asuma, Shikamaru, Chouji, and Ino is a lot more pleasant than doing so with Sasuke and Kabuto. Both groups have hotties (Asuma, whom I have named the Dark Hottie, and Sasuke, the Mini-Hottie). And then, both groups have their share of bitches (Kabuto and Ino). Shikamaru, in addition to not being that bad looking, is a decent conversation. Ino, on the other hand, is a total cow to me (I think she took offense at being called a whore with a small chest – I can't imagine why).

Team 10 (the official name of our kidnappers) were taking us back to a village called Konoha, where we would be interrogated for information involving the Akatsuki. Of course, that didn't stop Team 10 from asking question on the journey. Hannah and I were more than willing to give them the dirt on the Akatsuki, just not the dirt Team 10 wanted.

"So what are you to the Akatsuki?" asked Asuma (Ah! *insert drooling here* DARK HOTTIE!) "Informants? Friends? Lovers? Wives?"

"Whores," I said.

They all stared at me.

"Well," I corrected myself. "We're fake whores – but whores nonetheless."

"Er…" Chouji glanced around. "Then aren't you glad we kidnapped you?"

"Glad?" I asked. "Psht. No. It was fun being fake whores – call it a life experience. Hey, Hannah? Do you think I can put 'fake prostitute' on my resume?"

"Probably not," she said, not even looking in my direction.

"Don't ignore me, bitch," I said, and then turned back to Team 10. "Correct what I said. Kate's the only real Akatsuki whore. I'm dating Itachi Uchiha and Hannah's married to Zetsu – though I think she's having an affair with Kisame." Suddenly I laughed. "We could have our own TV show with all this Akatsuki drama!"

"Warg smite you," muttered Hannah.

"Warg loves me," I replied. "I was his first disciple."

"And his only."

"Who is Warg?" asked Shikamaru curiously.

Both Hannah and I exchanged amused glances. Then, we turned to face Team 10 as we walked through the forest. Identical evil grins spread across our faces (we must have a psychic connection).

"It's a secret," I whispered.

"If we told you, we would be forced to kill you."

"Painfully," I added. "We might have to take a leaf out of Hidan's book and kill you Jashin style." I cackled maliciously.

"You do realize that killing someone Jashin-style would involve suicide," said Hannah thoughtfully. "So, unless you're immortal like Hidan, you're kind of screwed."

"Oh yeah…"

"Immortal?" asked Asuma.

As I turned to regard him, my expression softened considerably (I have a weak spot for hotties, in case you haven't noticed). Asuma seemed to notice my gentle expression, because he backed away slightly to stay out of my reach. But, I kept on walking (sneak attacks are always best). "Hidan is a Zombie Whore," I explained.

"_How many fucking times do I have to tell you that I am not a fucking Zombie Whore_!"

The shrill sound of Hidan's voice in full-swear mode came echoing through the forest. Everyone spun around, trying to locate where the voice was coming from. Suddenly, the three figures of Hidan, Kakuzu, and Kate appeared amongst the forest trees.

"Hannah! Dessie!" cried Kate. Then, she caught sight of the ropes binding us. "What happened!"

"We were kidnapped, bitch," I explained. "By Pineapple, Dark Hottie, Fatty, and the Flat-Chested Whore."

Ino rounded on me, fuming. "I am not _flat chested_!"

I smiled and wiggled my hips in front of Ino. "You are compared to my sensuous bust. Look a these juicy mangos!" She laughed and hopped around on the spot. "A pig like you cannot compare to an Aphrodite like me!"

Ino turned to Hannah with an expression of horror on her face. "Is she _always_ like this?"

"Oh yes," Hannah said. "Always."

"It makes her a good prostitute," said Kakuzu. "We make lots of money off her – more than her stick-like friends. I'm lucky a brothel is even willing to pay for them." (Rule Number Nineteen: Being an Akatsuki Prostitute is a good thing – it makes them want to rescue you when you're kidnapped)

"See," I said joyously. "I'm sensuous."

"Nah. Just voluminous – other than that your sexual attractiveness is zero."

"Hottie finds me sexy."

Hidan snorted. "A whore like you is not sexy – you're just there for the show."

"_Fake_ whore," I snapped. "I'm still pure."

"You've _never_ been pure," pointed out Kakuzu. "But we like to pretend you are. It fetches a higher price on the market – perverts who go to brothels pay more for that kind of thing–"

"Stop it!" screamed Kate, covering her ears with her hands. "I don't have to listen to this!"

"Aren't you a whore too?" asked Chouji confusedly. "Don't you know all this kinky stuff already?"

Kate let out a tiny shriek. "Me! A whore!"

"She's more like one of those sacrificial virgins," I explained cheerfully. "Hannah's one of those cactus whores and I'm the busty type – for _masochists only_." I snickered at the sight of Asuma and Shikamaru's horrified expressions. "You're secretly an S and M fan too?"

"My purity is going down the drain!" moaned Kate.

"Let's hold a funeral for it," Hannah said sarcastically. "We'll make a tiny little tombstone with an inscription saying 'it's all Dessie's fault'."

"Glad to be of service."

Chouji looked as though he were about to have a mental breakdown, while Shikamaru's face turned sour as though a little bit of his soul had just died (apparently shinobi don't get out much nowadays). Asuma look rather relaxed about the whole thing, while Ino's face was a very vivid shade of red.

"I'd rather we all start killing each other," she muttered. "Rather than listen to a minute more of this."

Hidan seemed delighted by this comment. "Hell, yeah! Who's first?"

"Wrong choice of words, Ino," grumbled Shikamaru.

Like the crazy Zombie Whore he is, Hidan cackled with laughter and hurled his three-bladed scythe in the direction of team 10. They leapt out of the way, the scythe burying itself in the trunk of a tree. Hidan yanked it back using the metal cord, and the scythe returned to his hand.

"Don't steal my bitches, you bastards!"

"Hidan!" cried Hannah is mock horror. "I didn't know you cared so much."

"Shut up, bitch."

Long, black tentacles shot out of Kakuzu and wound themselves around Hannah and me. They cut the ropes binding us and lifted us back to the Akatsuki's side, where Kate immediately embraced us.

"I was so worried! When Itachi and Kisame returned saying you'd disappeared – we'd though Oro-Ugly had kidnapped you again!"

"Medusa wouldn't go within kicking radius of me," I said proudly. "He'll never be able to rape Mini-Hottie again."

We turned out attention back to Hidan's fight. He was busy battling Shikamaru and Asuma while Ino and Chouji kept their eyes fixate on Kakuzu, afraid that he would interfere with the fight (never mind the fact that Hidan warned Kakuzu to stay out of it).

At the moment Hidan had the upper hand in the battle, simply because Asuma and Shikamaru had no clue what to do with Hidan's immortal rituals. However, soon enough, after Hidan stepped into the circle in the middle of an explosion, Shikamaru began to figure it out. Asume knelt on the ground, great burn marks spreading along his arm and neck – ruining his perfect body.

"Hidan!" I screamed, storming across the clearing to where he stood.

"What, whore?" he asked irritably.

"Don't hurt the hottie! Go kill the flat-chestes chick!" And with that I slapped his skeletal cheek, leaving a large, red handprint

About ten feet away, Asuma cried out in pain and an identical mark appeared on his cheek.

"Ah!" I cried, leaping away from the bloody circle Hidan had drawn. "I'm sorry, hottie! I forgot! I forgot! I didn't mean to do that perfect, god-like face harm! Ah! I did damage to a hottie!"

Hannah stormed across the clearing and grabbed me by the wrist, dragging me back to the sidelines. "Sit down and shut up. You're embarrassing us."

Grouchily, I folded my arms and sat down on the forest floor Indian-style. Hannah stood above me, her expression somber and Kate beside her, looking as nervous as always. And, like always, Kakuzu was bored.

Hidan drew out his scythe and turned to grin at Asuma. "Prepare to be sacrificed to Jashin-sama!"

I scowled. "Don't kill the hottie, Hidan!"

He ignored me.

Oh, wonderful readers, you should have seen the fight. Hidan was like a psychopathic nutcase (which sums him up pretty well). He laughed and cursed and was suicidal – poor Asuma was completely overwhelmed by the immortality of Hidan. Immortality, of course, made Hidan useless. He's over confident and basically runs around like a madman, who cares if he dies – he just comes back to life. And, that, I figure will be Hidan's downfall.

Sure enough, within minutes Asuma had managed to slice off Hidan's head.

"Ah!" cried Kate. "Hidan! You killed him! Hidan!" She turned desperately to Hannah and me, her eyes wide with fear. "They killed him! They killed him!"

"Relax," I said, waving away her concerns. "He's a Zombie Whore, remember – 'zombie' being the key word there. He's fine." And then, rather irritably, I turned to Hidan and shouted, "Get up, you lazy ass!"

"Shut the hell up, bitch!" snapped Hidan's head.

Team 10 gawped at the fallen head, unable to believe their eyes and ears – despite being completely decapitated, Hidan was still swearing as though nothing had happened. The pains of being an immortal.

Annoyed, Kakuzu moved over to his partner's side and lifted Hidan's head off the ground by the hair. Kakuzu glowered down at his partner, obviously not satisfied with the outcome of the match. "Didn't I tell you not to be over confident? Or were you just trying to show off?"

"I asked you to help! Instead you insist on being late!"

With a weary sigh, Kakuzu placed Hidan's head back on his body, using tentacles to hold the body up. Kakuzu's black ropes stitched Hidan's neck together and soon the Akatsuki pair stood side by side again, as good as new.

"Let me finish that fucker off," snarled Hidan, turning to face Asuma.

"Leave the hottie alone!" I shouted. "He can't help it that he's better than you!"

Hidan spun around. "I am the best, bitch! He should be thankful that Jashin-sama is going to receive his sacrifice!"

"Bleeeeeeh." I stuck my tongue out at him. "Warg is not amused."

"Warg is shithead – a _dead_ shithead!"

I gasped. "Did you just insult the great and mighty and all-powerful Warg? Blasphemy! You heathen! May Warg punish you in the afterlife – a thousand curses upon you shiny, silver head!"

"I'm immortal," snapped Hidan. "There is no afterlife for me."

"Oh right." I considered this for a second. "Then Warg will just have to punish you in this life instead."

"Whore!'

"_Fake_ whore!"

Hidan smirked. "Well then, _fake whore_. Watch this!" And with that, his hand jerked out and his scythe went flying across the clearing to slice open Asuma's cheek.

"Gah!"

Blood dripped down Asuma's face as the scythe came flying back to Hidan's hands. Shikamaru cried out his teacher's name, but if fell of deaf ears. Hidan licked the blood of the scythe's blades and stepped backwards into the circle he had drawn.

"Death to you, shithead!" he screamed and then stabbed himself in the heart.

"AH!"

Unable to do more than gasp, Asuma clutched his stomach, gasping for breath. Slowly, bit-by-bit, the life drained out of him and he collapsed to the ground. The members of his team crowded around him, weeping and calling out his name repeatedly.

"_Hidan_!"

I leapt to my feet, even though Hannah tried to stop me, and I stormed across the clearing to Hidan.

"What, bitch?"

I kicked him between the legs, hard, hoping to stamp the life out of him.

"Eep…" Hidan sunk to the ground, shuddering in agonizing pain. Across the clearing Asuma cried out too.

"Oops," I said, remembering that Hidan was still in the circle (that's twice now!). "Sorry, Dark Hottie! It wasn't on purpose!" And then, I grabbed Hidan by the ankles and dragged him out of the circle before returning to the torture routine.

"Die, you asshole!" I screamed, kicking him in the ribs. "How dare you harm a hottie! How dare you kill one! How dare you! How dare you! Asshole!"

"Ouch! Ow! Ah! Ow! Dessie!"

Hidan rolled along the ground, trying to avoid my ferocious kicks and punches. I chased after him, dealing out blow after blow until he was yelping in pain every time he moved even an inch.

And them suddenly, a strong arm wrapped around my waist and lifted me off the ground. I found myself slung over Kakuzu's broad shoulder. Angrily, I screamed and started kicking him too, but Kakuzu ignored me, turning to Hidan instead.

"Leader wants us back. Let's go."

And with that, Kakuzu carried me away into the forest with the other three following. We left Asuma dead in the middle of the forest with his teammates weeping over his head body, their eyes turned hatefully towards us.

I think I just made my first line-long enemy. Oops

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is probably the saddest chapter I have written yet. It's so hard to put humor in and mix it with the death of Asuma. So, when you review, please understand my efforts and the struggle they went through. Anyways, Asuma is a favorite character of mine, which makes me sad that he had to be killed off. But, I love Hidan more than Asuma (sorry) so I was much more distraught at Hidan's "death". Anyways, Asuma will be remembered in all our hearts RIP. Please review this chapter! Otherwise Hidan will sacrifice you to Jashin-sama! (And then Dessie will sacrifice you a second time to Warg!)  
><strong>


	20. Mr Nibbles' Revenge

**Chapter Twenty: Mr. Nibbles' Revenge**

**_Rule Number Twenty: This story is weird – then again, is there any Akatsuki story where the plot is actually normal!_**

**Kate**

About a day has passed since we left Team 10 standing over the dead body of Asuma. Dessie is still heartbroken over his death and takes to beating up Hidan in random moments of sorrow. Kakuzu and Hannah think it's funny (they're the emotionless type who laugh at the suffering of others). I was a little concerned for Hidan's well-being. After all, if he ever wanted to have kids in future, Dessie was going to ruin any chance of that for him. Then again, I can't really see the Hidan-Daddy image…

We were still wandering through the forest when Team 10 caught back up with us. Thinking that the shinobi would be too concerned with the funeral preparations to come after us, we had travelled slowly. Now, however, as we stood amongst cramped trees in the forest, we regretted the sloth pace.

I have to give team 10; they certainly won on the ambush approach.

The five of us, Hidan, Kakuzu, Hannah, Dessie, and I, had been walking through the forest chatting normally (that is to say, a lot of loud swearing and arguments going between Dessie and Hannah with Kakuzu and Hannah placing bets). None of us expected the shadows creeping towards to actually be deadly.

Kakuzu and Hidan saw the attack first, being the S-rank shinobi that they are, and leapt out of the way. At least Kakuzu had the decency to cry out: "Watch it!"

Dessie and Hannah had the athletic ability and reflexes to jump out of the way before the shadow could ensnare them. Me, on the other hand, I fell right into Shikamaru's trap. The shadows bound me to the spot, my body going rigid as if invisible bonds tied me to the ground.

"They got Kate!" called out Dessie, from her spot by the tree.

"Why bother?" asked Hannah. "It's not like Kate can _do _anything."

"I appreciate your support!" I said, struggling against the shadow bindings. "They were aiming for Kakuzu and Hidan."

"Well, they didn't get us," said Hidan triumphantly.

And then a kunai went soaring past his head.

"Oops!" Hidan dodged it easily and turned to grin at us. "Low ranking shinobi at worth a sh–"

The second round of fire came at Hidan – this time in the form of a chakra blade (much likes the ones Asuma used – oh wait. They are the ones Asuma used).

Hidan dodged the chakra blades too, but did not expect the binding shadows to creep out of the blades too. Suddenly, Hidan found himself rooted to the spot in a body bind like me. He struggled helplessly and then let out a string of curse words that singed the ears.

"Don't be a pissy-pants," said Dessie cheerfully. "You got caught fair-in-square."

A dozen or so feet away, Kakuzu was facing a similar situation. He had been caught in Shikamaru's shadow and was rooted to the spot, unable to move an inch. And, in this situation, the only people free were Dessie and Hannah – not the most heroic or skillful of the bunch.

"I've caught you."

Shikamaru with his pineapple hair style stepped out from behind a tree, his expression very concentrated as he focused on keeping us trapped in the shadows.

"Shut the hell up, shithead!" shouted Hidan, as charming as always. "Let us go."

"Like he's really going to listen to you," said Kakuzu, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"He should!" snapped Hidan. "He'll be lucky is Jashin-sama finds his sacrifice worthy! If anything Jashin-sama will spit him back out in disgust! Heathen!"

"Warg is disgusted by you," muttered Dessie.

"Shut up!"

Shikamaru suddenly raised his head, staring determinedly at us. "You kill my sensei."

"With the best intentions," said Hannah reasonably. "He was going to kill Hidan and Kakuzu. They did it in self defense."

"I said shut up!"

"Whatever you say, Maru…" Hannah shrugged, completely disinterested in Shikamaru's grudge.

Shikamaru smiled and, suddenly, Hidan was running. He was running with his scythe raised above his head through the forest towards Kakuzu. Kakuzu's eyes widened in sudden surprise, horrified that Hidan was going to kill him. Bound by Shikamaru's shadow, Kakuzu was frozen to the spot, unable to avoid Hidan's scythe.

"Hello no!"

With a vicious vengeance, Dessie came flying through the forest, he leg extended in front of her. Before anyone could even register what was going on, Dessie's foot made contact with Hidan's jaw and he went flying to the forest floor in agony.

"Ow…bitch," snarled Hidan, unable to move.

Shikamaru stood to the side, his head downturned as he clutched his jaw, which had been injured when Dessie kicked Hidan. Shikamaru's shadows subsided, inching away back to their master. The shock of Dessie's blow being channeled through Hidan had broken Shikamaru's concentration and caused the ninjutsu to break.

"AH!" cried Dessie in horror. "You Zombie Whore! You made me hurt another good-looking guy!"

"Can't you just worry about your teammates wellbeing?" asked Hidan, staggering to his feet. "Fuck that hurt."

And right about then was when Kakashi stabbed Kakuzu through the heart with a lightning blade.

I remember standing there, suddenly free of the body bind, watched Hidan and Dessie get into yet another fight in the middle of a battle. Then, abruptly, there was the sound of many birds and a cry of agony from Kakuzu. We all turned around to see a great ball of blue-lightning flashing boldly through a hole in Kakuzu's chest. The assailant yanked his arm out from Kakuzu's chest and stepped away, revealing his face – or what he showed of it. Silver-gray hair and a tall build, the majority of his face was hidden behind a face-mask and a headband.

Personally, I thought he looked a little creepy, like he had something to hide, but Dessie, of course, screamed out:

"HOTTIE!"

The "hottie" stepped in front of Kakuzu, his chidori (the ball of lightning) glittering threateningly.

"Don't call assholes that kill your teammate 'hotties'," came the gruff voice of the supposedly dead Kakuzu.

Shocked, Kakashi whipped around, barely managing to dodge a blow that Kakuzu sent his way. Kakashi returned to Shikamru's side and they were soon joined by Ino and Chouji, both looking rather frustrated.

"You're a-alive!" cried Kakashi in horror.

Hannah nodded with a similar expression of disappointment. "He's kind of like Frankenstein's monster."

Dessie cracked up laughing. "A flash of lightning, a scream, and…and… _It's alive_!" She let out an insidious cackle. "Mysterious Hottie – you have completed my Frankenstein fantasies – thank you."

"Mysterious Hottie?" asked Kakashi confusedly.

"Yep. You can now join my collection with Snow Hottie, Mini-Hottie, Dark Hottie, and Original Hottie – who is now my boyfriend." Dessie giggled delightedly.

Ino leaned over and whispered in Kakashi's ear. "She's a little crazy up here."

"I heard that, you flat-chested whore!"

Ino's face turned a vivid shade of red.

Shikamaru, at least, had the sense to ignore our nonsensical banter. He turned to Kakashi and said, with the upmost seriousness, "We'll have to use _that_."

"That!" I cried, out, my voice breaking a little in rampant fear. "That's really not necessary! What is that? Can't we all just get along and not use that? I'm a peace advocate you know! I'm nothing like those horrible girls and violent criminals! I was…I was kidnapped – there's really no need to use that!"

Everyone stared.

"Nice to know who your friends are," muttered Hannah.

I laughed pathetically. "You know I love you…"

"Lies."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!"

At the sound of Hidan's shrill voice with its incessant cursing, we all turned around to see him standing beside Kakuzu in yet another shadow bind. Hidan was glowering at Shikamaru, about to murder the brat of the insult of the situation. Apparently, while the rest of us were distracted with conversation, Shikamaru had crept his shadow bind around the forest and captured Hidan in it yet again (we all know Hidan isn't the brightest bulb in the bunch).

"What is this! Pick on Hidan Day?"

"Yep," said Dessie somewhat joyously. "It's my favorite day of the year where the world joins in unison to _make your life miserable_."

Hidan chose to ignore her and instead rounded on Shikamaru. "Let me go you shithead! Let me go and I'll kill you! I won't even sacrifice you to Jashin-sama – I'll just kill you brutally!"

"And that's really persuasive," said Hannah sarcastically.

"Let's go for a little run," said Shikamaru softly. "At least you'll get to see the scenery before your death…"

"What the h–"

But before Hidan could finished that sentence, Shikamaru spun around and started sprinting off into the forest. Since he was captured in the shadow body bind, Hidan had no choice but to mimic Shikamaru, racing through the woods along side of him. The rest of us remained in the clearing, gawping after them in horror.

"Well, shit," said Dessie.

"The brat's got something set up in advance," muttered Hannah. "Hidan's probably going to die – or worse."

"Yeah…"

And, for a moment, I thought Dessie looked sort of troubled. She contemplated the situation for a minute and then said, rather decisively, "No one's killing the fucking Zombie Whore but me!" and ran into the forest after Shikamaru and Hidan.

"Her boyfriend is going to be very upset," said Hannah rather amusedly.

Kakuzu grunted. "Sarcasm is not welcome."

Hannah shrugged and turned and regarded the situation before us. "So, Pineapple, Hidan, and Dessie have all run off, leaving us with the Masked-Guy, Blondie, and Fatty–"

"What did you just call me!"

We all turned to stare at Chouji, his dark brown eyes sparkling with some newfound vengeance. The gentle demeanor of his had fallen away and now he glowered at Hannah with pure hatred.

"Eep." I ducked my head and skipped behind Kakuzu in my hopes not to be seen.

Hannah, on the other hand, stared apathetically at Chouji. "I called you a fatty – spelt f-a-t-t-y. Go a problem with that?"

"I am _not_ fat – I am _chubby_!" screamed Chouji.

Suddenly, he charged towards Hannah, drawing a kunai out of his pocket. Hannah yelped in fear and leapt out of the way as a giant ball of Chouji came rolling past. However, just when Hanah thought she was safe, Chouji hit a tree behind her and came bouncing back for the second attack.

"Look out for the fatty!" I screamed desperately.

Hannah froze, to stare at me. And, before Chouji could hit her too, he stopped and turned to face me.

"What did you just call me!"

"Er…um…nothing…"

"Chub! Chub! This is chub!" he cried over and over again, beating his chest passionately. "I am not fat – simply chubby."

I buried my face in my hands. "Waaaaah! I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it! Please don't hurt me, Mr. Chub!"

Silence filled the forest as everyone stared at me. Hannah looked faintly amused, while Ino looked more taken aback than anything and Chouji looked murderous. I couldn't tell what Kakashi thought since his face was covered by a mask. And then, suddenly, Ino spoke:

"A chicken like that hangs out with the Akatsuki?"

More silence.

"Now you've done it," said Hannah.

"Done what?"

I was red. Bright red. And not the usually blushing kind of red – the burning, fiery, angry red. The edges of my vision seemed to fuzz out as my rage took over.

"_DID YOU JUST CALL ME A "COWARDLY" CHICKEN_!"

"Mr. Nibbles," explained Hannah.

Ino was cowered slightly, her blue eyes wide with complete shock. I strode out from behind Kakuzu and glowered at Ino, ready to beat the shit out of her (in the words of Dessie).

"_NO ONE – AND I MEAN NO ONE – CAN CALL CHICKENS COWARDLY_!"

"W-w-w-what's wrong with cowardly chickens?" asked Ino, backing away slightly.

"_MR. NIBBLES WAS THE MOST HEROIC CHICKEN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN_! _YOU CAN CALL ME COWARDLY AND TIMID BUT WHEN YOU CALL ME A CHICKEN I CAN'T STAND IT_! _MR. NIBBLES RISKED HIS LIFE TO SAVE MINE_ – _MAY THE BRAVE SOUL OF THE CHICKEN REST IN PEACE_!"

"What are you on about?" asked Ino.

I didn't answer. Instead, I leapt at Ino and punched her in the eye. With a gasp, she went tumbling backwards, tripping over a tree root and landing on her butt. She clutched her eye, which was beginning to swell, and glared up at me.

"What the hell is wrong with you, bitch?"

"_MR. NIBBLES' REVENGE_!"

Ino screamed. Suddenly, he body went limp and she collapsed, lying among the bottom of the tree, her body draped over the roots.

"She fainted…" observed Kakashi. "Wow. That is one scary girl."

Kakuzu leaned over and muttered to Hannah. "What happened to the cowardly Kate?"

"Ino mentioned a chicken," explained Hannah.

"I gathered that much. What about chickens?"

"When Kate was six-years-old she spent the summer at her grandparents' farm. There she befriended a chicken by the name of Mr. Nibbles. One day Kate accidentally wandered into the bulls' pastor and was attacked. Mr. Nibbles had somehow gotten out of the coup and jumped into the pastor with Kate and the bull. The bull immediately forgot about Kate and chased after Mr. Nibbles instead. Mr. Nibbles died in the attack, but he saved poor Kate – may that beloved chicken rest in peace."

I could hear the sound of Hannah telling Kakuzu the story of the heroic Mr. Nibbles. However, I was paying little attention to the story as I turned my attentions to Chouji and started attacking him at well.

Before long, Chouji was lying on the ground in an unconscious state of shock. I stood there, panting, about to turn my rabid attentions to Kakashi when Hannah called out to me.

"Kate! You can stop now!"

I glanced back at her, rather surprised. "Yeah?"

"You did a good job, Kate," said Hannah. "Mr. Nibbles would be proud."

An expression of great relief crossed my face and tears formed at the corners of me eyes. I staggered across the forest floor and flung my arms around Hannah's neck joyously. "Is Mr. Nibbles resting peacefully in heaven?"

Hannah patted my back awkwardly. "You owe me ten bucks, Kakuzu."

"Eh?" I pushed away from Hannah and stared at her in shock.

"Stupid blonds," muttered Kakuzu as he passed Hannah ten bucks from his wallet.

"What's this about?" I asked confusedly.

"Kakuzu and I made a bet on whether I could get you to stop beating people up and hug me," explained Hannah cheerfully. "I won."

"You bet on me…" I whined (rather pathetically if I might add). "You bet n my love for Mr. Nibbles."

"And won," said Hannah.

"You–"

But before I could tell Hannah exactly how I felt there was a puff of smoke from somewhere beside Kakashi and the two unconscious members of Team 10. I whipped around to see four people standing there – a pale boy with dark hair, a man with hooded eyes, a girl with obnoxiously pink hair, and a blond boy in orange.

Immediately, the blond stepped forward and grinned at us triumphantly. "The hero of the story always arrives late – Victims have no fear, villains tremble in your boots for Naruto Uzumaki here to save the day!" He bowed.

The rest of us stared.

And stared.

And stared a little more.

Hannah coughed. "Is it just me or does this story keep getting weirder and weirder?"

Rule Number Twenty: Yes, this story is weird.

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><p><strong>AN: Waaaaah! My updates are slowing down...that probably has something to do with my motivation (the two are directly related). So please try and motivate me to update more... hahah This chapter was a little weird, but hopefully nto bad. For once in herlife, Kate kicked ass. This will probably never happened again so long as no one brings up Mr. Nibbles. Review! Or Kate will go psycho on you!  
><strong>


	21. It

**Chapter Twenty-One: It**

**_Rule Number Twenty-One: Don't ever, ever, and I mean ever make Kakuzu lose patience – he turns into one ugly critter that is far more frightening than his fighting style. _**

**Hannah**

I was sitting in a tree next to Kate.

We weren't there voluntarily, but Kakuzu was known to make a mess when he fought and it was best for the two of us to stay out of the way. So, we climbed a tree and sat in one of the lower branches to watch.

Kakashi, Yamato, Naruto, Sakura, and Sai (I had managed to learn all their names in such a short amount of time) were busy conferencing on the other side of a tree several feet away from Kakuzu. Kakuzu seemed perfectly fine to let them hold council (he figured it would make the fight more interesting if they had tie mot plan everything). Personally, I thought it was boring.

"I don't like the pink haired girl," said Kate.

I glanced at the girl with short hair the color of cherry blossoms, and then turned to Kate. "Why?"

"She seems too likeable," said Kate. "She reminds me of my cousin."

"Ah. That psychotic nutcase named Sonia who could possibly rival Dessie in boycrazidom?" I examined Sakura again and then nodded. "But, unlike Dessie, is really popular with the guys?"

Kate nodded. "Dessie would be popular if she weren't so…"

"Insane?"

"Yeah."

For a moment, we sat there in silence, examining the group of Konoha shinobi. Then, suddenly, the boy with black hair raised his head and met our eyes. I stared back at him briefly, a sort of irrational irritation rising in my throat. Perhaps the guy was kind of good-looking – especially my "type" (a thought which horrifies Dessie and Kate). And then, of course, Sai stares at me and opens his mouth:

"Donkey."

"Eh?"

He regarded me again carefully and then said, "Donkey girl – like an apathetic old man in a rocking chair."

Sakura, who had been standing beside Sai turned to see who he was talking about. She looked from me to Sai and then back – and burst out laughing. "At least it's better than ugly."

That irritated me. I was not a donkey. And so, I sat there a glowered at Sai, planning his death a thousand times over. Kate did not help the situation.

"I don't think she likes her nickname!"

Sai turned to regard Kate and then said, rather decisively, "Cutie."

Immediately, Kate's face turned a vivid shade of red and she turned her head away. "Hannah!" she whispered to me. "I think it was love at first sight!"

I groaned. Was I really being compared to this creature?

"Sakura, Sai!" said Yamato firmly. "Focus."

They did and soon, after a command from Kakashi, the two of them bounded away into the forest to help Shikamaru. Hopefully, Dessie would eat the two of them alive (she had been known to be a little too violent on occasion; I can only hope this was one of those times).

Then, after all the careful planning, the three shinobi left behind – Naruto, Yamato, and Kakashi – turned to face Kakuzu.

"Are you ready for some ass-kicking Naruto-style!"

The blond was getting more and more on my nerves the more time that went by.

"Do I really have to fight this idiot?" asked Kakuzu wearily.

"He may look like an idiot, but he is a good shinobi," Kakashi reassured us.

"I don't know," said Kakuzu doubtfully. "He looks as though even _Kate_ could beat him up."

"Kate?" Kakashi glanced at the tree where the two of us sat. He caught sight of Kate and nodded. "Oh. Cutie."

Kate giggled gleefully and turned to me. "So many to choose from? Sai or Kakashi? Dessie might kill me if I chase after Kakashi though… But they both think I'm so cute!"

I pushed her out of the tree.

There was a satisfying thump as she hit the ground a few feet below. Yamato, Naruto, and Kakashi regarded us with the upmost horror, unable to believe that I had just pushed my best friend out of a tree.

"Isn't that abuse?" asked Kakashi.

"Probably," I slipped out of the tree and landed on the ground beside Kate to make sure no substantial brain damage had occurred.

The moment I touched her head, however, Kate slapped my hand away weakly and cried, "Hannah! So mean! That really hurt!"

I turned to the Konoha shinobi and shrugged. "See? She's like a cockroach – how else do you think we managed to survive living with the Akatsuki so long? Kate just doesn't die; Dessie kicks the ass of anyone who tries and I–"

"You're just so weird they don't know how to kill you!" cried Kate.

I glared at her, but said nothing. To the side, Kakuzu was beginning to look more and mare annoyed.

"Can we just get on to killing one another?" he asked. "I've waited long enough."

Naruto immediately turned his attention to Kakuzu and cried, "That's right, you Akatsuki! It's time for me to show you my awesome, amazing, super bad-ass, new move! Are you ready?"

Kakuzu scowled. "You realize I have four lives, don't you?"

"Then I will kill you four times – or however many times it takes!"

"Can you talk a little quieter?" I asked, rubbing my temples wearily. "I have a bit of a headache."

Yamato turned to regard me suspiciously. "Shikamaru said that you were kidnapped by the Akatsuki, but you don't seem very unwilling…"

"Kidnapped?" wondered Kate.

"We weren't kidnapped," I said. "We just pay for room and board by acting as fake prostitutes – it's easy money."

We got a lot of stares for that statement.

And then, Kakuzu lost patience. Rule Number Twenty-One: Never make Kakuzu lose patience – because he is one ugly critter. His body seemed to convulse as bits of flesh and black tentacles came flying from his body. It formed four black blobs of squirming slime. They had faces too, weird twisted things with gruesome expressions, glowering at the enemy.

I stared. "Serious, man. That's gross."

Kakuzu chose to ignore me. The Konoha shinobi prepared at fight, Naruto demanding that he take the lead.

_Someone could die_, I thought. _That's probably not a goof thing – especially if it's Kakuzu. These Konoha people might kidnap us again_.

"Someone could die!" cried Kate, mirroring my thoughts exactly.

"Yeah, yeah."

Kakuzu turned to us wearily. "You live in a world of shinobi. People die every day. We cannot have a fight like this without someone dying."

I considered this. "I could probably fight them without dying."

Kakuzu regarded me confusedly. "How?"

"_You're_ going to fight us!" Naruto stood amongst his friends, staring at me incredulously. "You're not even a shinobi!"

I chose to ignore him, turning to Kakuzu and saying, "All you have to do is give me 'it'."

"'It'?" wondered Kakashi. "What is 'it'?"

Kakuzu cackled maliciously, and smirked in the direction of the Konoha shinobi. "I don't think they can handle 'it'. Even some of the Akatsuki cannot handle 'it'."

"What is it!" cried Naruto desperately.

"You couldn't even handle knowing what 'it' is," I said smugly. "A pipsqueak like you – I bet you were dead _last_ one everything."

I swear one of Naruto's eyes twitched at the words "dead last". He glared at me angrily and leaned forward slightly. "I can handle anything. What is it? Nothing can defeat me – the future Hokage! Not even 'it'."

For a minute, I regarded him silently. Then, I turned to Kakuzu and said, "He's pretty confident for someone who doesn't even know what 'it' is."

"Such a fool," agreed Kakuzu. "He cannot defeat the power of 'it' – let alone stand in 'it's' presence for longer than a few seconds. Deidara couldn't even last two…"

"Deidara?" asked Naruto wondrously. "What is 'it'?"

Kate, too, looked very, very confused. "What is 'it'? You guys, tells me! You're not allowed to keep secrets from members of your own team! It's not fair!"

"You're too stupid to know what 'it' is," I explained. "'It's' such a huge secret that we can't even tell you."

"Tell us!" cried Naruto.

I glanced at Kakuzu. "Should we tell them what 'it' is?"

"Yes!" cried Kate.

"You can't tell them what 'it' is," said Kakuzu. "You have to show them what 'it' is."

I nodded. "You show them what 'it' is. I can't."

Kakuzu snorted. "You foreign women, you don't know how to wield 'it' at all."

I scowled. "I know how to wield 'it'. I just don't have 'it'."

Everyone was staring at us in horror. Yamato's eyes were all squinty and pinched up as if he were imagining something _really _vile. Naruto and Kate looked hyped-up and excited, while Kakashi was smiling in cheerful anticipation.

Kakuzu smirked and, lifted up to hands, making a series of rapid hand signs. Then, he slammed his hand on the ground, in a summoning jutsu. A cloud of smoke filled the entire forest, swallowing everyone in a thick, opaque, gray scene.

"What the–"

I raced through the smoke towards Kakuzu and grabbed 'it'. Then, I ran through the cloud, towards the sound of confused voices. 'It' made contact with three heads and there came a heavy _thump_ as they hit the ground. A moment later the smoke cleared and I stood between two trees with a frying pan slung over one shoulder and three unconscious bodies lying around me.

"See," I said to Naruto's body. "You can't handle two seconds of 'it'."

"Oh!" cried Kate, pointing. "That's 'it'!"

I snorted. "Took you long enough, _Cutie_."

"Well," said Kakuzu, examining the unconscious bodies. The black blobs had returned to him and he now looked slightly more…normal. "We've knocked out three Kanaha shinobi. Now what?"

"When will Hidan and Dessie be back?" asked Kate thoughtfully.

"If they ever get back," I added. "They might not beat their opponents. And even if they do, I don't think there's any knowing when exactly they'll return."

There was a moment's silence.

"Texas Hold 'Em, anyone?" asked Kate, pulling out a set of cards from her pocket.

"Sure."

And so, the three of us sat down in the middle of the forest surrounded by the unconscious bodies of three of Konoha's best shinobi and played a game of poker (which Kakuzu won, of course). Ah, good times, good times.

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><p><strong>AN: This is an exceedingly short chapter compared to the last, but that's to my wonderful reviewers, I have found my muse again. So, you get two updates this Sunday before I attempt my French homework which I should have done in class last Friday - yay... (French is my worse class). But anyways, I like the whole 'it' ****ideas. I wonder if anyone actually knew what 'it' was... I hope not. That would ruin then fun of the whole conversation. Oh well. Review - or Hannah will bring 'it' down on your head.  
><strong>


	22. Evil Versus Evil

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Evil Versus Evil**

**_Rule Number Twenty-Two: Avoid ninja punches – they hurt like hell on wheels with a guy in a creepy clown mask driving the automobile. _**

**Dessie**

I don't think I have ever run so fast in my life – at least not with so much urgency. The forest and its tress passed by me in a blur; I remember nothing of the way I came, only why I was coming this way. Shikamaru and Hidan could not be too far ahead. I had only left a minute or so after them. Then again, they were shinobi whereas I was…a regular human.

And then, suddenly, I saw a pineapple hair cut through the branches of the trees. My run screech to a halt as I stared, horrified, at the scene in front of me. Shikamaru and Hidan stood face to face inside a ring of booby-traps. Hidan was still bound by Shikamaru's shadow, but it seemed as though Shikamaru was slowly running out of energy.

But Shikamaru's not stupid, I thought. He got a plan.

And, as desperation too over what little reason I possessed, I leapt forward through the trees and ducked under the ropes that encircled Shikamaru and Hidan.

"Don't touch my Zombie Whore!" I screamed, pointing ludicrously at Shikamaru.

They stared at me blankly. And, if anything, Hidan looked more dumbfounded than Shikamaru.

"What did you just say?" Hidan asked incredulously.

I glared at him. "Shut up, asshole. I _said_: Don't touch my Zombie Whore."

Hidan scowled. "You're talking about me. I'm allowed to talk when you're talking about me."

Shikamaru glowered at Hidan before turning his attention back to me. "Why should I leave him alone? He killed Asuma! Besides isn't he your kidnapped? Why would you want him to live?"

Confusedly, I asked, "He's my kidnapper?"

"You struggled against him when he killed Asuma!" cried Shikamaru. "He's cruel and evil! Surely you must want him dead as much as I do!"

"Don't talk about me as if I weren't here, shithead!" snapped Hidan irritably.

Both Shikamaru and I ignored him. The two of us were glaring at each other hatefully, both unblinking with determined expressions fixed on our faces. Suddenly, I leapt with excitement and pointed at Shikamaru. "Ha! You blinked!"

"What?"

"You blinked, moron! I won!"

"Won what?"

I rolled my eyes at his stupidity. "The staring contest –duh!"

Shikamaru's confusion heightened. "Staring contest? What are you talking about? I wasn't aware of any competition…"

"That's because you're an idiot. You don't even know what a staring contest is." I scoffed.

"Yeah," said Hidan. "Only a stupid shithead like you wouldn't know!"

"Shut up, Hidan," I snapped. "You don't know either."

Hidan scowled (he would have flipped me off, but Shikamaru's body bind prevented him). "Yeah, but the shithead doesn't know that. I was going to bluff him, but obviously you don't know the meaning of the word 'bluff', bitch."

"My uncle was professional poker player who taught me all the tricks of the trade, Zombie Whore!" I screamed, rounding on Hidan. "If anyone in this world knows how to bluff it is me!" And with that I smacked Hidan over the top of the head.

Immediately, both he and Shikamaru winced. "Ouch!"

I twisted around to Shikamaru and cried, "Sorry!"

"Don't apologize to the guy who's trying to kill me!" exclaimed Hidan angrily.

"Well maybe I should just let him kill you!" I shouted. "Save me the effort!"

"Good! I bet the shithead would do a hell of a better job of it that you would, bitch! You'd probably screw up and now decapitate my head properly or something!"

I glared. "I could kill anyone a thousand times better than Shikamaru ever could!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"Prove it!"

I folded my arms and scowled at Hidan. "How?"

Hidan indicated Shikamaru and said, triumphantly, "Kill the shithead and I'll believe it."

Irritably, I turned to regard Shikamaru, who had already drawn a kunai and was preparing to fight me and, being the trained shinobi that he is, preparing to kill me. But, of course, a dare is a dare and I braced myself for the fight with Shikamaru. This was going to be hell.

I charged first and swung my fist in the direction to Shikamaru. He ducked and feigned a kick at my stomach. Easily avoidable, but wasted energy since he quickly switched to a head-strike.

Thank Warg it was only hand-to-hand combat right now with absolutely no ninjutsu. After eighteen years of martial arts, I could almost keep up with middle-grade taijutsu shinobi (hurray…). And then, just as I was thinking that, Shikamaru decided to make Shadow Clones.

"What the hell!" I cried, suddenly finding myself trapped between five Shikamarus, all equally pissed off.

"Why are you supporting the Akatsuki?" one of the clones asked. "He killed Asuma."

"This is cheating!" I wailed, aiming a punch at the clone's head.

"Answer me!"

With a heavy sigh, I turned to regard the five Shikamaru. Slowly and clearly, I said, "Asuma is the Dark Hottie and is very important. But Hidan is my Zombie Whore and is even more important than any hottie in my collection – with the exception of the Original Hottie."

"Hey!" cried Hidan. "Why is Itachi more important that me?"

I rounded on Hidan, my eyes flashing angrily. "Itachi is the Original Hottie! A scum bag whore like you does not even have the right to say his name! How dare you defile his name with your Jashinist mouth!"

"Itachi! Itachi! Itachi!" cried Hidan over and over again.

I punched him in the eye. "Shut the hell up, Zombie Whore! Warg will smite you if you ever repeat the Original Hottie's name! He is sacred compared you! You are a foul harbinger of evil! The oh-sweet-and-perfect Itachi is far, far above you with his flawless, arabesque features and dark, vivid red eyes. He oozes manliness and undying charm – how could a blood-urchin like you compare?"

The five Shikamarus and Hidan were gawping at me.

"Blood-urchin?" asked Hidan.

"The first time we met, I was lying in a bathtub on top of a dead body about to be sacrificed the Jashin," I pointed out. "I think a blood urchin is a very appropriate term for you."

"You–"

I turned around and punched the Shikamaru nearest to me in the nose.

He collapsed to the ground in a heap and the other four disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"What the…?"

Hidan's body bind vanished and he stepped closer to the unconscious body of Shikamaru. "How'd you know which one was the real one?"

"He was the only clone that laughed when I called you a blood urchin."

"That son of a bitch."

"Such a charmer, Hidan," I muttered, bending over to pat Shikamaru's head pitifully. "I'm sorry, Pineapple. But you can't kill Hidan… at least not yet."

Hidan ignored my words and leaned over Shikamaru's body, kicking him slightly in the side. "Jashin-sama will be pleased with this sacrifice."

"You're not sacrificing Pineapple to Jahsin!" I snapped, hitting Hidan in ine backs of the knees, so that his legs collapsed beneath him and he knelt beside Shikamaru. "You already killed Pineapple's teacher – which I still haven't forgiven you for. If you kill Pineapple before, I will _murder you where you stand, Zombie Whore_."

"Man, you suck."

"I'm glad we've reached an agreement."

"Then can I kill them?"

I glanced up to see where Hidan was pointing and saw two figures standing a dozen or so feet away. They (a pinkette and some pale guy) were staring at Hidan, me, and Shikamaru's body in horror. Oh. This does not look good.

"No, Hidan. You cannot kill them," I said firmly.

"Jashin-sama will be very bored."

"And then Warg will kick his ass and occupy Jashin with some bitch war so that Jashin forgets all about you. You don't need to sacrifice to Jashin for a long time."

Before Hidan could reply, the pinkette (who I later learned was named Sakura), let out a hoarse cry. "What did you do to Shikamaru!"

"Nothing…" I lied.

"There's so much blood!"

I glanced down at Shikamaru. There was, indeed, a lot of blood, but all of it was flowing from his nose where I had punched him earlier. Sheepishly, I grinned at Sakura and said, "It's not too bad."

"How could you do that to him?" she wailed.

"Wait a second," I said, getting to my feet. "He _was_ trying to kill Hidan!"

"Yeah…" said Sakura. "But Hidan's evil, whereas Shikamaru is _good_. You shouldn't just kill good people like that!"

I blinked. "How do you know Hidan's evil? Maybe Shikamaru is secretly the evil one and Hidan is good. Oh-ho-ho! What would you do then, bitch? Or maybe they're both evil and we have evil versus evil here. Maybe Hidan is the lesser of two evils and it's good that he won."

Sakura looked very confused.

"I have decided on her nickname," declared Sakura's teammate (Sai) suddenly. "She's 'bitch'."

"Why thank you very much, shithead," I said to him with a smile. "I take the word 'bitch' as a term of endearment."

"Can I kill them, yet?" asked Hidan wearily.

"No."

Hidan groaned. "Why can't we kill them?"

"Because they actually have names are of importance to the readers so if we kill them the readers will get mad and quit reading the story," I said dully. "And if that happens the oh-great-and-mighty author will kill us _both_ off in the next chapter."

Hidan cringed. "Stupid author…"

I sighed. "You can sacrifice as many people as you want when we get back to the hideout," I said in bored tones. "Can we just beat-the-shit out of these people and get back already?"

Hidan scowled. "You'd better help me find a fucking mountain of people to sacrifice, bitch."

"Fine."

The two of us turned to face Sakura and Sai. Hidan drew his scythe and, for a second, I thought he was going to ignore me (wouldn't be the first time). But then he twisted it around to that the side he was using to strike had no blades on it.

I will admit, grudgingly, that Hidan did most of the fighting – and he was damn good at it. Sakura and Sai, despite their outstanding skills, had trouble keeping up with Hidan. I stood towards the back of the fight, trying to avoid getting hit by their ninjutsu. And then, suddenly, I saw it. Sakura's deadly fist was flying towards an opening in Hidan's fight.

My reaction was instinctive.

"Get your fist of my Zombie Whore, bitch! No one gets to beat his ass up but me!"

And, of course, I kicked Sakura in the jaw.

She went flying backwards and landed, with a heavy _crack_ against the trunk of a tree. She slid down to the base and lay there amongst the root, a line of blood trickling down her temple.

"Oops," I muttered. "I hope I didn't kill her."

_Slam_.

Something – a fist – made contact with my stomach and the air came rushing out of me. I doubled up and landed, huffing and puffing, on the ground. Rule Number Twenty-Two: Avoid being hit by ninja – their blows hurt like hell and leave bruises the color of sick grasshoppers who just took a bath in sulfur (And Warg know what that looks like).

"Hey! Don't touch my bitch!" Hidan leapt forward and sung his scythe (this time blades forward) at Sai.

Sai dodged Hidan's blow and caught hold of Sakura and Shikamaru's fallen bodies. He hesitated, glancing from Hidan and me to his teammates. Then, Sai drew an ink-bird on a scroll before summoning it. He hoisted a teammate onto each of his shoulders and leapt on top of the bird.

"You fleeing already, chicken-head!" shouted Hidan irritably.

Sai glanced at him, but simply said, "We're not all that stupid." And then the bird spread its wings and took flight.

"Stupid chicken!" yelled Hidan, flipping off Sai irritably.

"Shut up," I grumbled. "You'd be dead right now if it weren't for me."

"I would not be dead," snapped Hidan. "I _can't_ die."

"Fine. You'd be in eternally excruciating pain right now if it weren't for me." Suddenly my eyes widened and I gawped at Hidan. "Oh my Warg! I just _saved you life_."

"Don't remind me, bitch. How am I supposed to feel with you running around all the time going 'stay away from _my_ Zombie Whore'?" Hidan scowled. "I am not your fucking Zombie Whore!"

I screamed. "Why did I save you! Die already asshole!"

I aimed a ferocious kick at Hidan's manly areas. He yelped leapt out of the way, letting out a stream of curse words.

"Compromise!" he cried, jumping up into a tree. "I demand a compromise, bitch!"

"What?" I snapped.

"We will never speak of this day again," said Hidan solemnly (a surprising tone for him. I didn't think he could be serious about anything).

I considered his proposition for a moment, and then nodded. "I see your point. No one needs know what happened in this clearing and the two of us will never use the word 'my' in referring to each other ever again."

Hidan nodded. "For all our shitty sanity."

"You mean _your_ shitty sanity. Mine's perfectly fine."

"Shut up bitch."

"At least I'm not _your_ bitch."

"Shut the hell up! We agreed never to speak of this again!"

I snickered. "Sorry, couldn't resist.

And with that oh-so-cheerful comment, the two of us headed back to the part of the woods where we had left Kakuzu, Hannah, and Kate. Of course, Hidan and I both had a terrible sense of direction and it took us about five hours to navigate through the woods. Then, when we finally got there, we found Kakuzu with a stack of coins in front of him as the three of them playing poker with three unconscious bodies around them.

"Nice to see you were so concerned about our well-being," I said.

"You're in one piece, aren't you?" said Hannah nonchalantly.

"Yeah."

"Then what are you complaining about?"

"You owe me fifteen bucks," said Kate, turning to Kakuzu. He scowled and handed her the money, wearily.

"What the hell were you betting on this time?" asked Hidan.

"On whether you two would kill each other before the Konoha shinobi could," explained Kakuzu. "I thought one of you would be at least missing a limb."

"Nah," said Kate cheerfully. "We all know Hidan's got a massive crush on Dessie – who would have thought his time was violent, unrefined women. But sorry, Hidan, Dessie only likes hotties."

At her words my Hidan and I blushed. Then, screamed at the top of our lungs: "What the hell are you talking about, bitch!"

Some things will never change.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hmmmm...well, I would say I'm not totally in love with this chapter, but it serves its purpose. This is the beginning of my Itachi/Dessie/Hidan love triangle (though I can't say Itachi's been very active in his side). I know I am _very_ slow with romance, but I'm like that in almsot all of my stories. I do not write abotu love at first sight or love in the first ten days for that matter. The sole exception to this is Kate simply because she's Kate and fall in love with every male thing on two legs (though, I wouldn't out it past her to fall for a male dog...now that would be an interesting story...haha). **

**Anyways, THANK YOU FOR YOU MARVELOUS REVIEWS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! Now, if you would be so kind, please review this chapter as well. If not, Sakura will sneak into you bedroom when you least expect it and punch your ass from here to Jupiter!**


	23. Hide and Seek

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Hide and Seek**

**_Rule Number Twenty-Three: Never play hide-and-seek with the Akatsuki, it almost never goes as planned and someone ends up dead, severely mutilated, or worse…_**

**Kate**

Well, wonderful readers, I am terribly sorry to tell you that we missed Christmas. Dessie and Hannah were kidnapped during that weekend and by the time we returned to the hideout, no one was in the mood to celebrate. So, time went by without much event. Itachi and Kisame sold us to another brothel and Dessie beat the owner half-to-death before we fled back to the Akatsuki hideout. Then, the Akatsuki capture the Five and Six Tailed beasts, leaving the three of us alone for several hours to clean the hideout properly. The next interesting event did not occur until the 12th of January almost four months after our arrival in this world.

It was a ridiculously rainy day. Not one of those rain days because Leader caused it to, but a natural day where the sky was cloudy and gray and rain poured constantly and stubbornly so that even the almighty Leader-sama could not stop it.

So, because the outdoors was so flooded and messy and because Konan would throw a fit if anyone tracked mud into the hideout, we were all forced to spend the day inside.

"I'm bored!" (This was Hidan speaking)

"Don't you have anyone to sacrifice?" asked Dessie wearily.

"I spent the last month sacrificing all those sons-of-bitches that you brought for me, since you wouldn't let me kill those Konoha shinobi – I'm sick and tired of sacrifices."

"What is this!" exclaimed Dessie incredulously. "Hidan the Jashinist doesn't want to sacrifice someone! It's a miracle! I need a photo to commemorate this day!"

"Shut up, ho."

Unably to find the effort to annoy Hidan any further, Dessie lay back on the couch and closed her eyes drowsily. Five of us – Dessie, Hidan, Deidara, Tobi, and I – were slouched around the living room trying to find the will power to do _something_.

"Where's Hannah-Nunu?" asked Tobi. He was currently curled up on the floor at Dessie's feet, every so once in awhile nuzzling the side of his head against her calf. Dessie would then kick Tobi in the shoulder and he would give up for a little while.

"I don't know where Hannah is," said Dessie wearily. "Why don't you go snuggle with Kate for awhile?"

I glanced in Tobi's direction hopefully (my crush had not completely vanished), but he cowered away from me and said, "Kate scares Tobi."

Dessie rolled her eyes and went back to sleep.

"What's there to do?" asked Hidan.

"Blow things up," said Deidara hopefully.

"Konan will murder you." Hidan sounded half-hopeful. "Your death would provide some amusement."

Before Deidara could respond in any violent manner, I cried, "Let's play hide-and-go seek!"

Everyone stared for a moment. Silence fell about the room as everyone contemplated my suggestion. I think, however, it was Deidara who responded first.

"What is hide-and-seek?"

"It's a game," I explained. "Where everyone hides except one person – the seeker – and the seeker has to try and find everyone else. Whoever is found first is the seeker next."

"It sounds boring," said Deidara.

"Do we get to kill whoever we find first?" asked Hidan.

Dessie snorted. "We are not letting the Akatsuki play hide-and-seek, Kate. I am not going to die during a stupid child's game."

"Please!"

"No."

"Tobi wants to play hide-and-seek! Tobi wants to play a child's game with Dessie and Hannah Nunus!" Tobi sat up excitedly and (much to Dessie's relief) ran out of the living room screaming: "Hide-and-seek! Hide-and-seek! Let's all play hide-and-seek!"

"Dear Warg!" cried Dessie. "We're all going to die!"

Unfortunately for Dessie, Tobi somehow managed to assemble the entire Akatsuki (including Leader) in the living room. Apparently everyone was so bored that they were willing to play a child's game to pass the hours. Tobi hauled me to the front of the room and forced me to face the Akatsuki, Dessie, and Hannah, and explain the rules of hide-and-seek.

"Er…well…um…" I stammered rather uselessly. "Since we're all…er…bored out of our minds…I thought we could play a game of…hide-and-seek."

"What's that?" asked Leader.

"It's a game where everyone goes and hides except one person – the seeker – and the seeker has to go find everybody. And whoever is found first has to be the seeker next time."

"Sounds boring." (This was Kakuzu)

"Tobi wants to play!"

"Well guess what – _only_ Tobi wants to play."

Tobi looked practically crest-fallen as he turned to Hannah and Dessie. "Will you play with Tobi, nunus?"

"No," snapped Dessie. "I don't want to play – especially with you!"

"Oh, burn," said Deidara sarcastically.

Hannah turned to stare at him disgustedly. "Don't ever say that again, blond fur ball."

Deidara grinned villainously. "Oh, burn, bitch."

Hannah scowled. "Dessie."

"Right on it." And with that Dessie kicked Deidara in his weak spot.

While Deidara was busy rolling on the floor in agonizing pain, Dessie and Hannah turned their attention back to me. A low murmur had risen around the Akatsuki and, when the chaos had ended, Kisame said, "Okay, non-nunu, we'll play hide-and-seek with you."

I had a very bad feeling about this.

After that, we decided to draw names out of Hannah's frying pan to see who the seeker was. Tobi wrote all the names down and held the frying pan above my head while I read them out.

I examined the piece slip of paper carefully and said, awkwardly. "Er…Day-dar-a….um, Tobi. Who is this?"

"Deidara!"

"His name is spelt D-e-i-d-a-r-a…"

"Oh…Tobi never passed first grade…"

I groaned. I should have gotten Itachi to write the names.

"Well, anyways," I said, turning to face the room of very bored Akatsuki members. "Deidara – you are not the seeker."

"Oh, good. Uhn. Being seeker would be dull. I don't want to have to chase after all you asses."

"Don't worry," Hannah reassured him. "We don't want you chasing after us either."

"I will now be pulling the next slip out of the frying pan!" I said loudly, hoping to break up the oncoming argument. I reached up on tip-toe and pulled out a white slip. Flipping it over I saw the name written in illegible handwriting. "Tobi."

"Yay! Tobi gets to hide!" He leapt across the room to grab Hannah by both hands. "Hannah-Nunu and Tobi should hide together in a closet."

Hannah's face turned a very vivid shade of green and she shoved Tobi away. "In your wildest dreams!"

"That's the whole point, Hannah," said Kisame with a malicious grin, "He wants his wildest dreams to become his wildest reality."

Hannah threw a shoe at Kisame's head and silence returned.

"Um…' I glanced around nervously. "Next are Ka-coo-zoo and then Hee-den."

"Hell, yeah," said Hidan, pumping his fist into the air joyously. Then he turned to Dessie and smile provocatively. "How about we find our own closet and make a _wild reality_."

Hidan took Deidara's spot rolling on the floor in agony.

_Oh, Warg,_ I thought miserably. _What have I done?_

"Oh look," I said, examining the next two names. "They're me and Kisam-ay. And then Hann-uh and Konan…and Ee-tach-ee…"

"That leaves Zetsu, Dessie, and Leader…" said Tobi excitedly.

"Maybe Zetsu and Hannah should find a closet–" began Kisame but he was cut off by Dessie (things did not end well for poor Kisame).

"Dessie's not the seeker," I said, reading out the next slip.

"And now," began Tobi in a deep voice. "The moment of truth. Who will be the seeker…"

I drew out the slip and read the name carefully, trying to avoid the weird spelling. "Zet-soo."

We all turned to look at Leader. He looked extremely, extremely pissed off. Everyone backed away slightly, afraid that the fumes of rage oozing out of him would melt anyone who got too close.

"Er…" I stammered nervously. "So if you'll count to one-hundred… Leader… we'll go hide…"

"_One_…" His voice was murderous. "_Two…_"

Before he reached "three" everyone had fled the room,terrified that the one left behind would be put to death on the spot. Oh, the joy of hide-and-seek.

* * *

><p>My hiding spot ended up being in the basement. I didn't even know the hideout had a basement, too be honest. So, I figured that Leader didn't know it was there either and the basement was a pretty safe bet.<p>

I sat in the corner of the dark basement for a good, long hour. My knees were pulled up to my chest and I stared up at the crack of golden light streaming in through the gap between the door and the floor at the entrance of the basement. A whole hour had gone by since I had been hiding and still, no one had even passed by the basement.

"This must be a really good hiding spot," I murmured. "Does no one know about the basement at all?"

Another half hour passed by and still no one had come. Nervously, I began to wonder if anyone was going to find me.

And right as I was thinking that, the blue light came.

It was simple blue light, really – an orb about a foot in diameter that was crystal blue in color and emitting a pale blue light around the basement. I stared at it nervously for a moment, all sorts of theories of what it would be shifting through my mind.

Maybe it was a spirit, come back to haunt the Akatsuki that had murdered him. Or maybe it was some new jutsu…

"…you think of this place?"

I leapt at the sound of a woman's voice. Desperately, I looked around, trying to see who was there. But there was no one: just me and an empty basement and a glowing orb of blue light.

"I like…Cherry."

"Me, too. But…nasty rumors…Kate…"

I screamed and fled.

Desperately, I sprinted to the door and threw it open, racing down the hallways of the Akatsuki hideout, screeching my head off in fear. I ran all the way to the living room and hurled open the door – to see the entire Akatsuki, Hannah, and Dessie, lounging about in the chairs.

Dessie glanced up at me, grinned, and said, "One hour and forty two minutes. I win. Cough up, you lot."

I stared at them blankly, momentarily forgetting about the talking orb. "What? Why aren't you seeking me?"

"We decided it'd be more fun to let you hide and see how long it took you to realize we weren't seeking. We bet on it too. Thanks to your perfect timing I just won fifty bucks."

"Stupid, bitch," said Kakuzu, handing over the money.

Rule Number Twenty-Three: Don't ever play hide-and-seek with the Akatsuki – it has bad, and sometimes really, really weird consequences.

I would have cried. I would have if I had not just seen a talking light in the basement. So, instead of sitting down on the floor and bawling, I screamed at the talk of my lungs: "There's something creepy in the basement!"

Almost automatically the entire Akatsuki turned to Zetsu and said, "Were you 'experimenting' with you fellow plants again?"

"No…Not recently…"

"It was a blue light!" I wailed. "And it _talked_."

"I think you're hallucinating," said Hannah. "All this time spent with criminals has gone to you head."

"I'm not hallucinating! Come see for yourselves!"

So, begrudgingly, the everyone followed me down to the basement and, sure enough, there was a glow blue orb in the middle of the room, casting light upon the walls with an eerie shimmer.

"What is that?" gasped Konan in horror.

"I don't know!" I cried. "Maybe a spirit come back to haunt you!"

"Tobi wants to touch it."

"_Don't_!" screamed everyone all at one, but it was too late. Tobi reached out a hand and poked the glowing orb. There was a brilliant flash of light and suddenly, Tobi was gone.

"What the hell!" cried Hidan.

"Tobi!" I cried, racing forward. Dessie grabbed me by the back of the shirt and hauled me to her side.

"Are you crazy!" she yelled. "You could get sucked into the orb too!"

"But Tobi–"

Hannah spun around to face Deidara and cried, "You there. Go get Tobi back!"

"Make me."

Hannah pushed him. And, in a flash of light, Deidara disappeared. Then, she turned back to me with a smile. "See, problem solved."

Gratefully, Kisame threw his hands up in the air and cried, "Thank Warg! You go rid of that noisy pair! I don't think I could stand another minute with their constant arguments."

"Thank _Jashin-sama_," said Hidan irritably. "Warg is a fake god."

Kisame turned to Hannah and muttered, "How about we get rid of Hidan next."

And, with a stream of swear words, Hidan shoved Kisame into the blue orb. Unfortunately, Kisame grabbed Hidan by the forearm and dragged Hidan into the blue light as well. There was a flash, and both of them were gone.

Silence.

"Should we go after them?" I asked timidly.

"Hn." (Guess who this is!)

"I don't want to save that stupid Zombie Whore," said Dessie coldly.

So, Hannah shoved her into the orb as well (Warg, we're such nice people). The rest of us stood around awkwardly for a moment before, Leader said, "I think we should all go. There is no use of continuing the Akatsuki organization if everyone has been sucked into a blue orb of light."

Hannah pushed him in as well.

"See you, sucker," she said cheerfully seconds before Konan grabbed Hannah and jumped in after Leader. And, driven with devotion for his wife, Zetsu leapt in after them

Kakuzu, Itachi, and I remained standing in the basement awkwardly.

"What do you say we go upstairs and play some poker?" said Kakuzu, turning away.

However, Itachi grabbed Kakuzu shoulder and hauled him back to the orb. I followed nervously and, with a flash, we were gone.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I AM SO SORRY THAT I DON'T JUMP INTO ROMANCE! I know a lot of you are irritated by this, but that truly is the way I write and I have no desire to change this even in a humor fanfiction. On a brighter note, I am so happy that Dessie/Hidan got so much support! Yay! Itachi/Dessie/Hidan love triangle! I have the pairings figured out and I know some of you will be disappointed and I apologize deeply. Anyways. Rule Number -: NEVER JUMP INTO A GLOWING BLUE ORB! BAD THINGS HAPPEN! Review! Or a glowing blue orb will find YOU!  
><strong>


	24. Welcome Home

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Welcome Home**

**_Rule Number Twenty-Five: Inter dimensional travel is forbidden. It has dastardly consequences when you bring the Akatsuki to our world. _**

**Hannah**

Hello, dear readers, and welcome to my point of view. This next stage in the story begins with Dessie, Kate, and I lying in the middle of my kitchen floor.

I woke up, after what seemed like an eternity of sleep, and found my face pressed against the oh-so familiar black and white tile that my mother had insisted in putting in. Slowly, drowsily, I sat up and looked around the kitchen. It was…different from how I remembered it. A thick layer of dust lay on the counter tops and the cabinets were empty. However, undoubtedly, this was my house.

"I have the strangest dream…"

I turned around to see Kate sitting up sleepily on the floor. She rubbed her eyes and said, "I dreamt that we were being chased by gigantic pink bunnies and then suddenly the Akatsuki swooped out of the sky and carried us off into the sunset…Then they turned into birds and tried to eat my organs and the Hidan-Hawk kept cawing about Jahsin-sama…"

"Kate…" I said slowly.

"Yeah?"

"We're home…"

She blinked and looked around. "Hey… This is your house, Hannah…"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah…This is my house… What are we doing in my house? And in the kitchen on all things…"

Kate shrugged and silence stretched between the two of us. I looked around the kitchen nervously, unsure what to do. There was no sign of my parents or my little sister.

"What the hell!"

"Dessie's up…" I murmured, not even having to look.

"Oh my Warg!" cried Dessie excitedly. "We're home! We're home!" Suddenly her face fell and she looked almost disappointed. "We're home…"

"The glowing blue orb brought us home…" said Kate softly. "We didn't even get to say good-bye…"

"Y–"

"!"

We turned around. And saw a strange woman standing in the doorway of the kitchen, screaming her head off. She was slightly over weight with pinned up blond hair and brown eyes. She was gawping at us as if she had seen a ghost.

"What's wrong, Sally!" cried someone and a balding man appeared in the doorway behind her and another man with a moustache after him.

"Walter! Walter!" screamed Sally over and over again. "Look!"

Walter turned to see where she was pointing and caught sight of Dessie, Kate, and me. He stares disbelievingly and then turned to the mustached man behind him. "Jim! I thought you said they had disappeared!"

"Th-th-they had…" gasped Jim. "Hannah O'Reilly… Katharine Collins… Desdemona Lee… They disappeared four months ago and haven't been seen since… That's why the O'Reilly's are selling this house…"

I took me about three seconds to recover from my shock.

"Hannah?" I asked. "Who is this Hannah? I'm…Josephine...Smith… I thought this was my friend's house, but apparently I was wrong… Um…We'll be going now…" I edged towards the door.

"What do you mean 'sell this house'!" screamed Dessie. "The O'Reilly's would never sell this house! And we aren't g–"

I clamped a hand over her mouth and grinned awkwardly at the three people. "This is my cousin… Shu…Shawnee… She's a little…coo-coo…" I rolled my eyes. "We'll be going…_now_."

And with that statement, I led my friends out of the house, much to shock of the three adults. They didn't even have the sense to stop us. I dragged Dessie and Kate all the way down the street until we reached the corner, where we stood under the street-sign and discussed what the hell was going on.

"You're parents _moved_!" cried Dessie. "They moved from the house that they built so proudly with their own two hands! They picked up everything and just moved! What is this! Has the world gone to the dogs while we were away!" Dessie considered this for a moment. "I guess our existence is more crucial to the survival of the human race than I thought…"

I ignored her and turned to Kate. "What do you think?"

Kate hesitated. "I think we should do something other than just stand here… What if someone recognizes you?"

I nodded. "That is true. We are, apparently, on the missing persons list."

"Let's go to my house," said Dessie.

"Walk?" Kate asked, horrified. "It's so far!"

Dessie snorted. "We can catch a cab, moron."

"B-but," stammered Kate nervously. "We don't have any money… We bet it all with Kakuzu, remember? And lost it… Not that it was any good for him…"

Dessie rolled her eyes and thumped Kate on the back. "I'll have money at home, stupid. It's fine."

So, the three of us made our way out to the main road while Dessie called the taxi company (our cell phones work again – yay!). After fifteen minutes later, a taxi turned to corner and we piled in. The three of us sat, squished in the back, staring out the windows avidly.

"I missed this place!" cried Kate excitedly. "The bowling alley…and the old sushi bar… oh look! It's our old school!"

"Don't remind me," muttered Dessie. "So many bad memories there…"

"Just because you failed English," I said, rolling my eyes. "At least the American History teacher loved you."

"That's just because he thought loud people are opinionated and therefore very smart," Dessie explained. "And we all know I rule in the category of 'loud people'." She smiled, very satisfied with herself for that.

"At least you can admit it," I said, peering out the window.

And then my eyes fell on a very, very familiar sight. Along the side of the road a big, blond fur ball walked beside a blue shark-man.

"Stop the car!" I screamed.

The driver slammed on the brakes and we were all thrown forward violently. I grabbed the door handle of the car and threw it open, leaping outside and looking around frantically.

"What's up?" asked Kate nervously.

"Deidara! Kisame!" I hollered.

From the other side of the road the two Akatuski members turned to stare (thank Warg they hadn't been wearing their Akatsuki cloaks when we'd fallen into the blue ob). Kisame waved and smile, showing off all of his pointy white teeth.

"Hey, Hannah!" he called.

Deidara, on the other hand, had a very different reaction. "What the hell is this, bitch? Where am I? What did you do to us! Where is everyone? What the hell is that thing you just came out of!"

"Er…" I glanced around awkwardly. "Can we discuss this later…"

"Hell no, bitch!"

I gritted my teeth and uttered the one word that never came out of my mouth. "Please…"

Deidara looked like he was going to argue more, but Kisame picked up the blond fur ball and slung him over the shoulder. Carefully, Kisame dropped Deidara in the truck of the cab and got into the front seat. Then, the five of us and the driver continued on to Dessie's home. However, our drive was interrupted once when Deidara set a bomb off in the trunk. So, we squeezed him in the back between Dessie and me and carried on.

The arrival at Dessie's house was somewhat…over the top. After visiting it so often I had grown used to the drive up the long gravel front entrance to the massive red-brick mansion with marble pillars and extensive grounds. Deidara and Kisame, however, gawped.

"What the…" murmured Kisame. Then, he turned to Dessie. "You live _here_. Who's your daddy?"

Dessie glanced up at the mansion and back to the Akatsuki. "It's not my daddy. It's my uncle. My mother had an affair with Dad and since her husband didn't want to keep a child that wasn't his, I was raised by Uncle Theo and Aunt Bella and Ms. Wendy, the head maid. Aunt died when I was five and Uncle died when I was twelve and left the whole place to me…" She stared at the large oaken doors and said wistfully, "Ms. Wendy must be disappointed that I'm back. She probably enjoyed living there by herself."

"Good thing Kakuzu isn't here…" said Deidara. "He'd throw a fit."

"He probably will be here," I said. "If he travelled to the same dimension with us…"

The taxi came to a halt and we all filed out of the car, Dessie promising to get some money from the house. She ran ahead to knock on the door while the rest of us walked under the entrance way, staring at the pure vastness of the house.

"Dimension?" asked Kisame. "We're in a different dimension?"

I nodded. "Yep. And I think we brought the whole Akatsuki with us…"

Rule Number Twenty-Four: Inter dimensional travel is forbidden – nothing good can happen when the Akatsuki is in our world.

Dessie stood waiting in front of the entrance of the mansion. We crowded around her and stared. No one came. About five minutes had passed by before Deidara began to get impatient. But, before he could blow anything up, the door creaked open and the small, withered face of Mrs. Wendy appeared. She caught sight of Dessie and her blue eyes widened in horror.

"Hey, Witch," said Dessie with a grin. "Long time no see!"

Mrs. Wendy surveyed Dessie carefully. "I thought you were dead."

"Hoped I was dead," corrected Dessie. "I went into another dimension for four months and now I'm back. These dudes behind me are from the different dimension."

"Oh. I suppose you want your house back." Mrs. Wendy sounded positively disappointed.

"Yeah, sorry, Witch." Dessie shrugged. "Live a few more years and maybe you can have it back – or you can just poison my morning cup of coffee."

Mrs. Wendy scowled. "Don't give me any ideas."

"I need money for the taxi fare."

"Yeah, yeah." Mrs. Wendy closed the door and went to fetch some cash (there was plenty of it going spare).

The moment she was gone, Deidara and Kisame rounded on Dessie incredulously. "Your head maid wants to kill you to get her hands on your fortune!"

Dessie shrugged. "Why not? It's a perfectly reasonable excuse."

"But… she wants to kill you…"

"It's a hate-hate relationship. We get along well like that." Dessie smiled.

I laughed. I couldn't help it. "I love Mrs. Wendy. She makes my life just that much better – besides, I'm waiting for the day when she actually does kill Dessie."

The door opened again and Mrs. Wendy held out a stack of money to Dessie, who then went to pay the cab driver. After that, we all filed into the house and gathered around a long table in one of Dessie's many dining rooms. She stood at the head and surveyed the four of us, her expression grim.

"So," she said. "We brought a group of criminally insane mass murderers to Earth – what do we do now?"

"Find them," I said dully. "What else?"

"Get them back home," suggested Kate. "The blue orb…There was a thunderstorm the night we disappeared…and a flash of blue light. I bet that's how we got to our world too…through a blue orb."

"So there's one is Hannah's house as well?" asked Dessie. "I'm sorry…Hannah's ex-house."

"So we find everyone and then try and find the glowing blue orb in Hannah's ex-house?" asked Kate.

I scowled. I didn't like talking about my "ex-house".

"But my parents are reselling the house," I pointed out. "So how are we going to search it?"

Dessie shrugged. "We'll just have to buy the house ourselves. Or you can just return to your parents and say 'hey mom, hey dad. Guess what! I'm still alive! Ha…ha…ha'"

"Why don't we?" asked Kate. "I want to see my parents."

"Maybe later," I said. "But right now we have the Akatsuki on the loose. And I don't think my parents will keep the house if they've already decided to sell it. Dessie can just buy the house though, can't she?"

Dessie nodded.

"Hell," muttered Deidara. "How much money do you have!"

"You don't want to know…" I muttered.

"My uncle was one of the best poker players in his time and my aunt was an actress," explained Dessie. "Its somewhere in the nine figure number…"

Deidara choked on air. "Nine…"

"So," said Dessie. "First we need to find all the Akatsuki members. On the bright side we found Deidara and Kisame already so only seven left. I suggest we split into two teams – Kisame you had better stay here since you're a freak."

"She means you're not what humans are used to seeing," Kate wuickyl translated.

"So, I think Hannah and Deidara should take the Porsche and Kate and I will take the Ferrari…"

"Eh?"

"They're cars," explained Kate. "So we can get around."

"Why can't we run?" asked Kisame.

"Because no one runs here," snapped Dessie. "Everyone here is fat and ugly and out of shape."

"Can we blow them up?" asked Deidara.

I turned to glare at him. "No, you can't. Because that would be terrorism and is highly frowned upon in most societies."

"So?"

I smacked my forehead. This was going to be a long next few days.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yeah, most of you guess right - after inter dimensional travel they have returned to Earth! Yay! But wait...the Akatsuki are scattered throughout the city - dundundun... hahaha This story is going to end up long from what I can tell... much longer than any Akatsuki story I've read before... But, I like long stories and hopefully I will have the determination to finish it. I've been doing pretty so far, don't you think? **

**I'm sorry it takes so long to work on the Zetsu/Hannah/Deidara love triangle (wow, for someone who doesn't like love triangles, I certainly have quote few). And then we have the Kate/Itachi/Tobi/Kisame/Sai/Kakashi/any male thing on two legs polygon... haha Kate has a harem. Dessie must be jealous...**

**REVIEW! Or Deidara will go all terrorist on you and blow you to smithereens - mwahahahahaha  
><strong>


	25. Hunt for Akatsuki

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Hunt for Akatsuki**

**_Rule Number Twenty-Five: Hidan is easily dealt with as long as you can scream at the top of your lungs for ten minutes straight as the same volume as him (not an easy feat)_**

**Dessie**

Blake.

That is the name of my beautiful, gorgeous, fabulous, and very, very expensive red Ferrari. He is a handsome devil in disguise – you could even call him my _boy toy_ since I paid an arm and a leg for him. I could not, of course, let Hannah drive Blake (especially with the pyromaniac Deidara in the passengers seat), and so I let Hannah take Blake's rival, Ajay the Aston Martin instead. My cars have a complicated love square, you see. Blake the Ferrari is married to Maren the Mercedes. But Blake is an unfaithful hottie husband who has an affair with Bridgette the Porsche even though Bridgette is dating Roland the Rolls-Royce; however, Roland's brother Ajay the Aston Martin know about Bridgette's affair and is blackmailing Blake. So, forced between his love for Bridgette and his reputation, Blake has no choice but to give Ajay everything he wants.

So, as you can see, I am very, very attached to my cars. Blake is my pride and joy – not even Mrs. Wendy will touch him (though she does steal Ajay the Aston Martin for a night out on the town even once in awhile). So, when I stopped Blake in the middle of Thornton Shopping Mall, I was determined that absolutely nothing should happy to my precious hottie car.

"Blake's missed you, huh?" said Kate, smiling slightly as I very carefully parked the car.

"My baby…" I said fondly. "He was the thing I missed most about this dimension."

"Not Mrs. Wendy?"

I scoffed. "That bitchy witch? Like hell!"

"I'm sure she loves you somewhere deep down… Deep, _deep_ down…" added Kate thoughtfully. "Or maybe not at all. Mrs. Wendy isn't known for being overly loving towards you."

"She hates me," I corrected. I turned off the car and the two of us got out. I locked Blake and we made our way to the main building of the shopping center.

"So you're sure you heard on the radio that there was some sort of stunt going on?"

Kate nodded. "With…Venus flytraps…"

"Oh. Definitely Zetsu. No one else gives a damn about Venus flytraps."

"Hannah might care about them…" said Kate slowly.

I grinned. "If anything she's afraid of them now."

We made our way towards the middle of the mall where a large crowd had started to gather. Kate tried to timidly "excuse me" her way through the hoard of people. Then, I strode in front of her and screamed, "Get your asses out of my way before I castrate you all!" Now, _that_ got people to move.

Soon, we found ourselves standing in the middle of the crowd, staring face to face with a black-and-white man being consumed by a Venus flytrap. My eyes, however, did not remain fixed on his plain, boring face for long – not with the original hottie standing beside him.

"HOTTIE!" I screamed and leapt into Itachi's arms.

Of course, Itachi immediately dropped me and I fell to the floor with a heavy _thud_. But even his obvious rejection could no quell my delight. I jumped up and smacked a big kiss on Itachi's mouth before turning back to Kate and Zetsu.

"We found them!"

"Great…" muttered Kate. "Why couldn't we save Itachi for last?"

"I'm hungry." (This was Zetsu's white half).

"There're so many juicy people." (Black half)

"Heh…" Kate glanced around nervously and turned to Zetsu. "You shouldn't eat the nice people, Zetsu… Hannah wouldn't be very happy with you if you ate the nice people…"

Zetsu considered this for a moment and then said, "Where is Hannah?"

"She's back at Dessie's – er – house…"

"Oh. Let's go there then." (This was the white and black halves together – apparently Hannah was their common interest).

"Yes, yes," I said, grabbing Itachi by the hand and leading him through the crowd. "Let's go home and drop Zetsu and Itachi off… Oh! And Zetsu! If you mess with Blake I _will_ get the weed-whacker."

"Weed-whacker?" asked Zetsu confusedly.

"A very dangerous tool used to torture plants who are bad."

"Oh."

And with that, we returned to the car. It was a struggle to get Zetsu inside Blake (this sounds really wrong when I use Blake's name – Blake is not gay!). So, in the end, I hailed a cab to take Zetsu-the-cosplayer back to my mansion. Itachi volunteered to go with Zetsu – which I'm sure had nothing to do with me – and Kate and I continued our search for more Akatsuki members.

We drove around for a bit, searching the streets for any sign of odd-looking people causing a commotion. I kept the radio on in case any news of insane criminals came on. A good hour or two passed by before anything of interest came up. It happened while Kate and I were passing by the zoo and a bunch of little kids came running out screaming at the top of their lungs. I was forced to stop.

"Kate," I commanded. "Go see what all the ruckus is about."

"Maybe a rhino got loose…" she muttered. "It would wound me with its horn…"

"We have Akatsuki on the loose, Kate, and they are far, far worse than a little rhino. Pull yourself together and go see what's going on."

I swear she muttered "why don't you see for yourself?" under he breath, but when I asked about it she didn't reply and escaped out the car door to see what was scaring the kids shitless at the zoo.

I sat alone in the car for about a minute. Then, suddenly, Kate came sprinting out of the zoo screaming at the top of her lungs. She threw open the car door and leapt inside.

"What is it?" I asked. "Is it really a rhino?"

"No… it's an extremely angry Hidan."

"Oh."

"You're going to get him," said Kate determinedly. "He scares me to death and he likes you…somewhat…" She added the last part when I gave her the Glare of Death and Destruction.

With a heavy sigh, I opened the car door and said, "Look after my baby." Then, with a fond farewell to Blake, I marched into the zoo in search of the blood-stained Hidan.

I found him alright. Thankfully he had not murdered any human being yet. However, he stood above the body of a dead hyena, grinning maniacally and drenched in the animals blood. Dear readers, I say this now and I say it without any hesitation: I am not an animal lover. So, please don't hate me too much when I tell you that, at the sight of the dead animal that was cruelly murdered by a psychopathic Jashinist, I honestly wasn't moved at all. Of course, that didn't stop me from kicking him in the shin.

"What the hell, bitch!" he cried, rubbing his leg angrily. "That hurt!"

"Of course it hurt, you Zombie Whore!" I snapped. "What are you doing here! Scaring off all the bratty, snot-nosed kids! You animal! You belong in the zoo!"

"Zoo?"

"Place where they keep all the animals, moron!" I shouted. "It's meant to be a fun place for the brats, but here you all scaring them all shitless! And drenched in animal blood too!"

"Don't yell! I just woke up here and this hyena was trying to bite my leg off! What do you expect me to do – let it eat me!"

"Yes!" I screamed. "It would do _two_ dimensions a favor!"

"Bitch!"

"Zombie Whore!"

We stood there for a good ten minutes screaming out heads off at one another. Then, when all the breath had left our lungs, we stood there for a moment, gasping for air. When we were done, we turned on our heels and left the zoo. Rule Number Twenty-Five: Hidan is easily dealt with as long as your lungs can survive screaming for ten minutes straight.

Of course, I refused to let Hidan in my car with blood all over him, so I made him wash it off in the water-fountain. Then, after using the hand-dryers in the bathroom to get rid off all the water (Blake could not be tainted by any substance other than air fresheners and oxygen).

After that the three of us drove back to my mansion to plan the next part of our trip. Hidan's response to my mansion was about the same as Deidara's and Kisame's – What…the…hell…! Why is this so surprising?

Kate, Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, Hidan, and I met in yet another of my various dining rooms to plan. I pulled out a map (which Mrs. Wendy had begrudgingly found for me) and drew Xs over the places we had already been.

"Okay… We still have downtown…"

"I want to go!" cried Hidan.

"No." My response was absolute. "I'm not bringing a suicide psychopath like you downtown. Hottie?" I glanced in Itachi's direction, fluttering my eyelashes flirtatiously.

"Hn."

"iIs that a yes?"

"Hn."

"I think it's a 'no'," said Kate, stepping in. "Why don't we just bring Hidan and Kisame…"

"Kisame is too strange looking and Hidan is too violent"

"We can just say he's a cosplayer. Besides, if anyone gets suspicious you can just pay them off."

I shrugged. "Good point. Fine, Kisame you can come with us."

Kisame grinned and turned to Hidan. "They like me better than you, Zombie Whore. Especially Dessie. We might just have to find one of the _many_ closets in Dessie's house…"

Both Hidan and I whipped around and punched Kisame in the face. Laughing villainously, Kisame topple off his chair onto the floor where he sat there clutching a bloody nose. After a minute, the healing jutsu took affect and the bleeding stopped. I made Kisame clean up his blood stained face and we headed out the garage to take a different car.

My beautiful, sexy Blake was not big enough to fit the three of us plus any Akatsuki we may find. So this time I took Bridgette's boyfriend, Roland the Rolls-Royce, which was slightly bigger. Then, the three of us (I left Zetsu, Itachi, and Hidan in the care of Mrs. Wendy) headed out to downtown. And Warg knows what we might find there…

* * *

><p><strong>AN: For those of you who haven't realized, Dessie's habit of naming her cars comes from me. My current car (a silver mini-van) is called Filmore since he beeps loudly in demand for more gas and my old car was called Luic a name I picked up in French class for my French car. My dream, however, is to own a hot, red ferrari and name him Blake. YAY! hahahaha Anyone else a car namer? **

**And oh Zetsu, your love for Hannah is so cute. I think it's even cuter because it's unrequited. Oh well, Hannah is a difficult person to love. On the bright side, I think Zetsu is the only one she hasn't hit in the head with a frying pan...**

**REVIEW! Oh the sexy, hot-rod Blake will run you over with Dessie behind the wheel laughing her head off gleefully.  
><strong>


	26. The Uchiha Evolution

**Chapter Twenty-Six: The Uchiha Evolution **

**_Rule Number Twenty-Six: Don't let Tobi near fire_**

**Kate**

Dessie let Kisame have the front seat, and I sat in the back, glaring out the windows as I searched for the members of the Akatsuki. So far there had been no sight of them on the streets of downtown. Regular people were strolling about casually in the afternoon sun, chatting and smoking and having a good time (well, I thought they were).

Inside the car, however, a good time was not imaginable – not when the Akatsuki were on the loose. Dessie kept complaining that one of them would destroy "Roland" and poor "Bridgette" would be left boyfriendless with only the cheating hottie "Blake" to depend on.

"He's not trustworthy!" cried Dessie. "Blake is manly and wild – which attracts Maren the Mercedes and Bridgette the Porsche to him, but he's not the marriageable and dependable type – of course, that's what makes Blake so hot…"

"What are you talking about?" I asked Dessie.

"Blake!"

"Who's Blake?"

"My hottie red Ferrari!"

Kisame was confused. I, on the other hand, resisted the urge to slam my head against the back of Dessie's seat. Only she would come up with some TV show drama about her _cars_.

"Let's just find the Akatsuki," I murmured.

"Found them," said Kisame.

"Well that was fast." Dessie pulled over to the side of the road and we peered out the windows to see who Kisame had found. Amongst a large crowd (why do the Akatsuki always gather large crowds?) stood the orange-masked figure of Tobi. He was with a group of street performers, some of which were juggling fire. They had been teaching Tobi as well, and he held three flaming balls in his hands, ready to begin.

"Tobi!" I cried, and threw open the car door. I raced through the hoard of people saying over and over again: "Excuse me!" (A habit I really need to fix, according to Dessie).

Eventually, however, I reached the front of the crowd and raced forward towards Tobi, crying out his name.

"Kate!" exclaimed Tobi and he promptly dropped the fire-balls he had been juggling. Unfortunately, he dropped one of them right on my head.

Almost instantaneously, my hair caught on fire and bright orange flames danced about my blond hair. A thick gray smoke rose from my head and the peoples' noses wrinkled in disgust at the wretched smell. A couple women began to scream, trying to get someone to put the fire out and eventually some man dumped a cup of ginger beer over my head.

I stood there for am minute, completely in shock. Rule Number Twenty-Six: Don't let Tobi near fire – very bad things tend to occur, especially if you're Kate.

Kisame and Dessie came running up behind me. Kisame looked horrified while Dessie laughed her head off.

"Oh my Warg!" she cried. "You should see you face!"

"Are you alright, Kate!" cried Kisame, grabbing me by the shoulders. "You're not burned, are you?"

"Dessie-Nunu!"

And, completely ignoring my desperate situation, Tobi raced passed me and flung his arms around Dessie's neck. "Tobi is so glad to see you, Dessie-Nunu! Tobi was so worried he would never see Dessie-Nunu again! Tobi is so happy!"

"Get off me!" Dessie pushed him away and turned to me. She caught of my disappointed expression and grinned smugly. "Even in pain you come second to me. The face the facts, Kate – I am all around better than you are!" She burst out laughing. Then, after a good five minutes, she patted me on the shoulder and said, "I'm kidding… I'm kidding…"

"Yeah," I said sarcastically. "I can see you sympathy."

Dessie laughed harder. "We'll fix the burnt ends…I promise."

"Kate? Kate? Kate Collins? Is that you?"

At the sound of a young man's voice, I froze. Slowly, slowly, I turned to see who was speaking to me. The familiar face of a dark haired man of twenty with bright green eyes and casual smile stood in front of me. David Harminger…my ex-boyfriend… He was gawping at Dessie and me, unable to believe what was in front of him.

"Dessie Lee and Kate Collins?" he repeated slowly. "What happened to you!"

"Us?" asked Dessie, her laughing coming to an abrupt halt. "We took a little holiday before starting college."

"A four month long holiday!" cried David incredulously.

"Yep." Dessie slung an arm awkwardly around Kisame's shoulders. "And look what the cat dragged in. David, I'd like you to meet Kate's _fiancé_ Kisame!"

"Eh!"

David gawped at Dessie. Then he turned to me and asked, "This blue guy!"

"No! No!" I cried, shaking my head. "Kisame and Tobi are just friends. They're… cosplayers we met on vacation and Dessie invited them for a stay at… her house… There's nothing between Kisame and me, I swear! You know Dessie… she's…like that…"

David glanced from Dessie, to Kisame, to me. Then he nodded slowly. "Whatever. We broke up. A long time ago. I'm over it."

Dessie snickered. "if by 'we broke up', you mean that Kate brutally dumped you and by 'a long time ago' you mean a week before we disappeared – then sure. You're over it."

David looked ready to murder Dessie on the spot. However, Tobi wrapped her arms around Dessie's shoulders possessively and cried, "Don't harm my nunu!" (A statement which caused David to forget his earlier rage and just gawped at Tobi)

"Nunu?"

"Nunu."

"What on Earth is a nunu?"

"A nunu."

Dessie placed a comforting hand on David's shoulder. "Don't try and understand Tobi. He's an escapee from the mental institution." She held a finger up to her lips. "But shhh. We're trying to keep this on the down low."

I lightly slapped Dessie on the arm. "Don't tease him!"

Of course, this only confused David more. "But Kate… where did you go on vacation? Your parents didn't even know where you'd gone!"

"Er…" I glanced around nervously.

"They eloped!" cried Dessie excitedly. "Kisame and Kate eloped."

Kisame snickered and then draped and arm casually over my shoulders. "What can I say? One day I was just walking casually down the street doing my little cosplay thins and then – bam! – it hit me… It was love at first sight, you know. Of course, Kate's parents would never let her be with an older guy, so we eloped – with Dessie's help of course. And now, after spending four months with Tobi, Kate, and I – Dessie and Tobi fell in love.'

David snorted. "Unless Tobi's hiding an extraordinary hot face behind that orange mask, Dessie would never fall for him."

For a moment, we stood there considering David's words. Then we all turned to face Tobi, evil grins spreading across Kisame and Dessie's faces.

"Come on, Tobi…" said Kisame, reaching out his hands and wiggling his fingers. "Let's show David your pretty, pretty face…"

"Tobi is afraid."

"Nunu wants to show off he _boyfriend's_ pretty face!" said Dessie.

And, before Tobi could flee fast enough, Kisame and Dessie pounced on him, managing to yank the mask off. David and I leaned forward eagerly and beheld [description of face is omitted due to technical difficulties where Word document could not function under such a blinding description of such a beautiful face]

"Oh my Warg!" cried Dessie. "Madara! It's the evolution of the hotties!"

"What?"

"Masked Hottie to Original Hottie to Mini-Hottie! Ah! It's a whole family of hotties slowly evolving over many years! Ah! I could make a museum of it and spend all day in there, drooling over the priceless figurines of the Uchiha hotties…"

David groaned. "I didn't miss you at all, Dessie…"

"Shut up, ugly."

"By the way, Kate," said David, turning to me. "What happened to your hair?"

I glanced at the now very shot ends of my hair, which were blacked and covered in soot. A thick, pungent odor wafted around me, labeling me as the girl who set her hair on fire. I turned back to David and said, "Tobi is a klutz."

"But…it's all…short…"

Dessie finger the ends of my hair. "You'll look good even with short hair."

"Like you're some fashion expert," muttered David.

"And you're better?" asked Dessie. "Or we can ask Kisame to cut it – he tends to be good at this type of thing…"

Kisame glared at Dessie, but said nothing.

"L-l-let's get going," I murmured, noticing the tense atmosphere. "We have to go find… er… Tobi's cousins…"

"Right," said Dessie. "And Roland must be feeling lonely."

"Who is Roland?" asked Tobi curiously.

"My boyfriend," lied Dessie as she walked away, dragging Kisame and me with her.

Tobi skipped after us and soon he discovered that Roland was, in fact, Dessie's car. The four of us loaded in and were driving around downtown again, we had almost finished our rounds when suddenly I caught sight of a woman with blue hair. The car screeched to a halt and I saw that our beloved, angelic Konan was surrounded by five, large, bearded bikers in leather jackets.

"Oh no…" I whispered. "What are they doing to Konan?"

"Relax," said Kisame. "She can just beat the crap out of any of them–"

But Kisame had barely finished his sentence when Dessie sprinted past us and preformed a flying-kick where the heel of her boot slammed into the side of one of the biker's heads.

The man went sprawling to the ground, his face an image of perfect shock.

"What the h–" his companion started to say, but Dessie turned around and slugged the man in the face.

"Don't touch my Konan!" she shouted, before turning to the next victim.

The man threw his hands in front of his face and cried, "Wait! We were just trying to help! We were just trying to help! She looked lost!"

Dessie froze, mid-punch, and turned her head to face Konan. "Is he telling the truth?"

Konan, almost smiling, nodded. "Though I appreciate your defense on my part."

"No problem." Dessie lowered her hands and then proceeded to help up the fallen bikers. One of them had a swollen cheek and the other one had a dislocated jaw. Dessie inspected it carefully before saying, rather sheepishly, "You might want to get that checked out a hospital."

The biker's eyes widened in fear and he raced back to his motorcycle, hollering, "Crazy bitch! Stay the hell away from me!"

"I'll pay for the hospital fee!" shouted Dessie, but the man was already speeding away, his biker friends were on their bikes and close at his heels. "Oops."

"You really need to attend anger management classes," I told Dessie kindly. "It might possibly make you semi-likeable… maybe…"

"Not likely," added Kisame.

"Tobi likes Dessie-Nunu!" and with that, Tobi flung his arms around Dessie's neck in a suffocating hug. It was only after Dessie started turning purple that Kisame and Konan deemed it was time to rescue Dessie.

"So what do we do now?" asked Konan. "Where's the rest of the Akatsuki?"

"Deidara's with Hannah looking for everyone else and Hidan, Zetsu, and Itachi are at Dessie's house," I explained quickly. "It's getting kind of late in the afternoon, I think we should report back to the house and see when Hannah and Deidara got to…"

Konan stared at me. I felt a slight blush as she continued to stare for a good two minutes before, finally, she opened her mouth and asked: "What happened to you hair?"

"Tobi and fire don't go well together…"

"Oh."

And that was all that needed to be said on the matter.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: YAY! A pretty update for you all. Basically now I'm updating by the time I get a certain number of reviews, because I figure that's a good time spacing between chapters to give everyone a chance to read and review the most recent update. Kate's "incident" with Tobi was similar to what happened to me on Easter - so I had to put it in there. hahaha. Next is Hannah's POV, so she and Deidara get to find the last Akatsuki members - if they can (dundundun). Dessie is so violent, just like me. We'd be best friends... hahaha Review! Or Tobi will set YOUR hair on fire...  
><strong>


	27. High School

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: High School **

**_Rule Number Twenty-Seven: avoid high school reunions – the Akatsuki don't like teachers or education very much._**

**Hannah**

Dessie's Aston Martin was an easy drive, I will admit that. It flowed nicely and I felt powerful just sitting behind the wheel. Of course, the whole experience was ruined by the fact that Deidara was sitting next to me, prattling on about how everything in this city needs to blow up. _I will kill him one day_.

"So where do you live?" asked Deidara.

"Why do you want to know?" I glanced at him suspiciously. Deidara was never interested in other people – unless it had something to do with a very artistic death.

"Because I wonder if your house is as big as Dessie's?"

I snorted. "No one's house is as big as Dessie's. She's a rich-ass bitch."

"Then where do you live?"

"Well…" I hesitated. "I used to live in this suburban house – where Kate, Dessie, and I were transported to you world from… But I think my parents are selling it…"

"Oh. Where do they live now, uhn?"

I shrugged nonchalantly. "I don't know."

We were driving through the suburbs right now – thankfully no where near my old neighborhood. The houses were all two-story with white walls and neat-trimmed lawns. It was rather boring, in my opinion, but Deidara looked fascinated.

"Where are we now?" he asked.

"Somewhere near my old high school."

"School, uhn?"

I nodded and, on sudden impulse, turned at the next street and started making my way in the direction of the school. I glanced at the car clock and sighed. "It's too late in the afternoon. No one will be there except a few teachers and some cleaning ladies. But we might as well check it out."

"Can I blow it up?"

"No, Deidara," I said impatiently. "You cannot blow up the school."

"Please?"

"No."

"You're now fun," he said. He folded his arms crossly against his chest and scowled, sulking as he watched as the scenery passed by.

"Immature," I muttered.

Suddenly, there came the distinctive sound of my cell phone ring and I answered it with a "Hello?"

"Hannah-Nunu! Tobi missed you! Dessie-Nunu said all I had to do was talk into this little box and Hannah-Nunu would hear me! I didn't believe Dessie-Nunu, but I was wrong! What kind of jutsu is this? Tobi wants to know!"

I held the cell phone a foot away from my ear and glared at it reproachfully.

"What happened, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"They found Tobi."

"Oh."

There was the sound of a struggle on the other side of the head piece with a couple of "ow"s and "what was that for?" But when it was all over, Kate's trembling voice came out of the headpiece: "Hannah?"

"Yeah?"

"Oh good, you're still there. I thought you would have hung up the moment you heard Tobi's voice…" She sounded desperate.

"I was about to," I told her, pressing the phone's speakers back to my ear. "What are you calling for?"

"Dessie and I are back at the house. Itachi and Zetsu are working on Dessie's garden – much to the horror of Mr. Birchen…you know, the gardener?" She paused, as if waiting for me to reply. Then, realizing I wasn't, she continued. "Kisame is trying to stop Dessie from killing Tobi and Konan is watching amusedly…and Hidan is busy trying to sacrifice Mrs. Wendy…" She turned away from the phone to call out to Dessie: "Stop Hidan before he kills your maid!"

There came the sound of a foot hitting flesh and a scream of agony from Hidan.

"Okay," said Kate, turning back to me. "Problem taken care of…"

"I'm sure Hidan is thrilled with your solution," I muttered sarcastically.

"Anyways, we wanted to know if you'd found anyone yet?"

The car pulled into the school parking lot and I turned off the engine. Deidara was peering out the front window at the large, redbrick school that extended in front of us. No one was mulling about the yard and there were only a few scattered cars in the parking lot.

"Nah," I said. "We haven't found any–"

"YEAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

I nearly dropped the phone. Horrified, I looked around, trying to locate the source of the noise. Deidara turned to me and pointed to the school building where my ex-Physics teacher, Mr. Ferguson, was being dangled out the window by an orange-haired punk with lots of piercings and a brown-gray colored man covered in stitches.

"Do people normally do that at schools?" asked Deidara.

I slowly pressed the phone to my ear to that Kate could hear me and said, "Never mind. We just found the missing ones."

"Oh good," said Kate cheerfully. "Bring Leader and Kakuzu back in one piece."

"It's Mr. Ferguson I'm more worried about…"

For the background I could hear Dessie yelling: "You leave that old coot where he is – he gave me a zero on the exam because he thought I was too violent!"

"You were throwing pencils at his head after you finished the exam," I reminded her.

"Old coot…"

I hung up. "Well, Deidara… you ready to for a high school reunion?"

"Can I blow it up?"

"For the last time – _no!_"

Kakuzu and Leader were in my old physics' classroom. Even after a good six months without seeing the room, it still haunted the edges of my memories. Ah! The horrors that went on in physics class – like the time Eli Rome set his pants on fire, or the time when Gretchen Favalo "accidentally" jfired a catapult at Ray's head, or the time when Dessie electrocuted herself.

After these past six months the physics classroom had not changed much. It was still a torture chamber – especially with Kakuzu and Leader in the room. Deidara and I crouched by the door of the classroom and peaked inside. The two Akatsuki members had somehow managed to tie Mr. Ferguson to the ceiling by his ankles and were now interrogating the poor man.

"Where are we?" demanded Leader.

"In East Fell High School…" wailed Mr. Ferguson.

"He lies," declared Leader, turning to Kakuzu. "Show him what we do to liars."

I winced as Kakuzu's tentacle whipped out, preparing to put Mr. Ferguson through an agonizingly terrifying experience. As much as Mr. Ferguson had been an irritating teacher, he didn't deserve this. And before Kakuzu or Leader could go any further, I stepped into the room and called out their names.

"Hannah," said Leader, his face relaxing slightly at the sight of me. "Deidara. You found us."

"Yes, Leader," I said. "Er… Can you let Mr. Ferguson down from the ceiling? His face is turning blue…"

Kakuzu whipped out a kunai and sliced the roped that held up Mr. Ferguson to pieces. With a deafening _crash_ Mr. Ferguson fell flat on his face and lay on the floor unmoving.

"Um…is he alive?" I asked.

"He should be," said Leader carelessly. "Anyone who dies from that can of fall does not deserve to live."

"Well, we can't all be super powerful shinobi like you," I muttered. Then, in a louder voice, I asked, "What are you doing here anyways?"

"Where is 'here' exactly?" asked Leader.

"East Fell High School in Fell, Texas in the United Sates of America in North America on Earth in the Milky Way in the Universe," I told him bluntly. "Basically, you're in my hometown."

"Your hometown," repeated Leader slowly.

"Yep. The place where I was born and raised and live in…"

"Up until four months ago," corrected Deidara cheerfully.

"What?" I stopped, stared, and then a slow grin started to toy at my lips. I forced it down and turned to scowl at Deidara. "Like hell I'll ever live with _you lot_."

"You were going to smile," said Deidara proudly.

"Lies."

"You're a rotten liar." He crept closer to me, an evil grin spreading across his face. "Just admit that you like living with us and being our fake whores and–"

"Only Dessie likes being your fake whore – and maybe Kate. I have absolutely no desire of selling myself to the Akatsuki for anything." And with that I crossed my arms and turned back to Leader with a determined expression on my face. "Everyone is gathered at Dessie'…home…" I glanced at Kakuzu. "We'll take you there. Though, I may warn you, if Dessie's car gets so much as a scratch, she will kill you."

"Car?" asked Kakuzu.

"Vehicle with four wheels that people here use to get around," explained Deidara expertly. "That's why they're all so fat."

Leader squinted at me curiously. "Hannah's not fat. Just unfit."

I rolled my eyes. "Let's go."

Everything was peaceful right then. We all headed towards the door and were arguing about who got the front seat (Leader, of course, wanted to drive, which was an absolute no). We were all so absorbed in our arguments that we forgot about Mr. Ferguson who was lying on the floor.

He leapt up and grabbed a beaker off the counter and hurled it with all his strength at the back of Deidara's head.

Of course, being Deidara, he simply dodged it. But, being Deidara, he also got extremely pissed off. Rearing with rage, Deidara grabbed a piece of clay and turned to face Mr. Ferguson and screamed, "What the hell are you throwing you talentless freak!"

Mr. Ferguson ducked behind one of the counters in the lab, but only a second later Deidara threw a clay spider at it and the entire counter exploded.

Mr. Ferguson screamed and backed away, flames dancing up his arm.

"Oh shit…" I muttered. Then, I raced to Mr. Ferguson's side and began beating the flames out. When the fire had died, I sntached up the nearest too I could find (which happened to be a Bunsen burner) and whacked Deidara over the head with it.

"Ow!" he cried, rubbing his forehead. "What was that for?"

"Don't – kill – my – ex – teacher!" I screamed, smacking him violently over the head with each word. A trickle of blood fell down his temple as I broke open the skin.

Deidara grabbed my wrist, his face contorted with rage. "Don't hit me, bitch!"

Another beaker came flying past, inches from my head. There was the sound of breaking glass and Mr. Ferguson screamed, "Run, Hannah! Run!"

"Asshole…" hissed Deidara as he pushed me away. I stumbled to the ground and fell down uselessly. Deidara sauntered towards Mr. Ferguson, his eyes flashing dangerously.

Kakuzu had enough sense to try and restrain Deidara, while Leader helped me to my feet. Mr. Ferguson sprinted to the window of the classroom and hollered at the top of his lungs: "Terrorists in the school! Terrorists in the school!"

"Oh shit..." I muttered.

And then, a second later, a shrill, ear-piercing alarm sounded through the school's hallways. Kakuzu, Deidara, and Leader looked around confusedly, unsure what was going on. Mr. Ferguson, on the other hand, looked triumphant. Someone had heard his shouts and, now, the police would be on their way.

"Leader…" I whispered. "We're going to get caught. And I would prefer it if that did not happen."

He considered this. "Kakuzu. Get the teacher. Don't kill him. Deidara. Destroy the evidence. I'll get the car – the blue, shiny one, right?"

"Wait!" I began, but before I could stop him, Leader jumped out the third story window. I rushed to the ledge and saw that he had landed safely. Kakuzu bent down and grabbed Mr. Ferguson. Slinging the middle-aged man over his shoulder, Kakuzu leapt out the window after Leader and the two made their way out to Dessie's Aston Martin, Mr. Ferguson screaming the whole way.

"Dessie's going to kill me…" I groaned.

Deidara grinned and began forming a bird out of his clay. He then expanded the bird so that it filled up half the physics lab. Then, Deidara turned to me and said, "Do you want to be carried or get on my back?"

I scowled. "Neither."

"Carried it is." He couched down to pick me up in his arms (bridal style, to my horror) but I screamed and decided that getting on his back was, indeed, the better option. So, I clambered up onto his back and wrapped my arms around his neck while Deidara moved to the window. He raised to hands and grinned maniacally.

"Katsu!"

And then he jumped out the window.

Behind us, there came a deafening explosion. Fire and heat rippled around me as the two of us plummeted to the ground. I couldn't scream. My voice wasn't there. Then, suddenly, there was the force of the impact and Deidara and I were back on the ground. He was running across the school ground now to where Kakuzu and Leader were sitting in the car.

"I'm driving!" I screamed, as Deidara and I reached the Aston Martin.

"No," said Leader stubbornly.

"Dessie will kill me!"

"Get in the passenger seat then."

Unable to protest as the police sirens grew near, I slipped into the passengers' seat and Deidara hopped into the back with Kakuzu, the terrified and gagged Mr. Ferguson sitting between them.

"How do I drive?" asked Leader.

"Press on the pedal!" I screeched.

Leader pressed the brake. "Not working."

"The other one and take your foot off that one!"

Leader slammed on it. The engine roared, but the car didn't go forward. I grabbed the gear shift and suddenly the car lurched forward and we were flying across the parking lot.

"Turn left! Turn left! Turn left!" I screamed.

Leader twisted the steering wheel left. The car twisted off its wheels and – for a second – I thought we were going to flip. Then, the car touched back down and we were driving away. Leader still trying to figure out how to operate the car.

"Change places!" I yelled, slamming my fists on the dashboard. "Change places!"

"How do I stop this thing?"

I leaned over and slammed my foot on the brakes. The car came to an abrupt halt, sending everyone flying forward. Mr. Ferguson slammed the back of his head against the shoulder-part of the drivers' seat. He slouched down in the back, unconscious. Unable to do anything about that, Leader and I awkwardly changed places. Now in control of the steering-wheel with sirens in the background, I _slammed_ on the gas pedal and left East Fell High School far behind.

Rule Number Twenty-Seven: avoid high school reunion. The Akatsuki are not welcome guests, especially when they blow up half the school and kidnap your ex-physics teacher.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Mwahahaahaha poor Mr. Ferguson... Okay, so I have two OCs coming into the story soon (have to since they're in a different world) - a boy and a girl. The girl's character has already been made up, but I need some ideas for the boy. So, please tell me what you think for a character that would fit into a new arc in the story. Thank you!  
><strong>


	28. Battle of the Lackeys

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Battle of the Lackeys **

**_Rule Number Twenty-Eight: Hidan makes a shitty lackey. Next time tell Deidara that someone is insulting art…explosions are much more threatening. _**

**Dessie**

It was around seven o'clock that evening when I got a call from Hannah's cell phone. I picked it up and answered the call, surprised to head Deidara's voice on the other end.

"What up, bitch?" he asked.

"So says the blond fur ball," I snapped. "Where's Hannah?"

"She's driving…" There was a pause as Deidara listened to someone on the other end of the phone. "She says to turn on Channel Six News…"

Curious, I walked over to the television (on which Tobi was currently watching the teletubbies) and flipped the channel. Immediately the face of Gwendolyn Brooks flashed on screen as she delivered the evening news. I listened half-heartedly for a second as she ranted on about something to do with "flying guppies".

"It's on Channel Six News," I said. "What does she want me to see?"

And then it happened.

The pictures on the screen changed and I found myself facing an image of my old school: East Fell High School with gigantic flames dancing in a hole which had been burned in the side of the building where the science block used to be. About half the school was missing and great billows of black smoke were rising into the sky.

"There was a terrorist attack on our own East Fell High School," explained Gwendolyn Brooks. "Thankfully no casualties have been discovered yet, but the physics teacher, Mr. Ben Ferguson, has gone missing. We suspected foul play…"

"Deidara…" I murmured into the phone's speaker. "What did you _do_?"

"The guy was throwing glasses jars at my head, uhn."

"So you _blew up my school_!"

"Yeah…"

"Damn, you're brilliant," I said excitedly. "Why didn't I ever think of that! Art is a bang, fur ball!"

Deidara laughed excitedly. "I knew you'd come around to my view one day, bitch–"

There came the sound of a fist making contact with a skull and Deidara's voice fell away. Moments later, someone else picked up the phone…only this voice wasn't nearly so encouraging.

"Dessie, you idiot! Don't encourage the blond fur ball! When we get back to you house I want you to kill him! Murder his brutally and violently, you psychopathic bitch!"

I scowled and held the phone away from my ear. "Who's being the psychopathic bitch right now, whore!"

I hung up the phone and turned back to the news where they were still searching for evidence. Tobi and Konan were staring excitedly at the screen while Hidan was rolling on the floor with laughter. I rolled my eyes and turned my back on the scene.

"I'm going outside to wait for those bitches to get back," I told them. "Try not to destroy the house…"

"I'm coming too!" said Hidan, hopping up from his seat on the floor.

Before I could protest, he grabbed m by the wrist and dragged me outside. We stepped out the front door into the gravel ground. My front yard was extensive, with a hundred meter long driveway that extended directly from the front door to the main road with a grass lawn in between. To my right, Zetsu and Itachi were working on the flower garden, with Mr. Birchen (my bald-headed gardener) look on disapprovingly.

"How's work going?" I asked Itachi.

"Hn."

I giggled delightedly; my _boyfriend's_ responses were always so cute. "That's good to hear. I have some shitty news though."

"Hn."

"Hannah, Deidara, Leader, and Kakuzu kidnapped my ex-physics teacher. The police are going to be looking for us."

Zetsu looked up from his gardening and turned to stare at me. "Is Hannah okay?"

"Yeah, yeah; she's fine, I'm sure." I waved away Zetsu's comment. "I'm more worried about Ajay the Aston Martin."

"What about Mr. Ferguson?" asked Mr. Birchen curiously.

"Why would I care about that old coot?" I asked. "He gave me a zero the exam for being to violent. Deidara can blow that son-of-a-bitch to little bits and pieces for all I care."

"So can I eat him?" asked Zetsu's black half.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because that's gross."

Zetsu opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted as a navy-blue Aston Martin came racing up the driveway. It screeched to a halt underneath the carport and the doors flew open as Hannah and Leader hopped out.

"Safe!" cried Hannah, examining the sides of the car carefully. "Not a scratch."

I screamed.

"What?" she asked desperately. "What's wrong?"

"You killed a fly!"

Hannah looked extremely confused. "A fly? When? Where? And since when do you care about insects?"

I raced forward to the front of the Aston Martin and examine the spot on the car where a fly had been squished. Carefully, I flicked away the fly's dead body and squinted at the shiny surface. There were still little bits of dead fly that wouldn't come off.

"Hannah…" I murmured.

"Dessie…" she whispered. "Please, please don't misunderstand. It was an accident! I swear!"

"I'm going to murder you – how dare you make a mark on the beautiful surface of Ajay the Aston Martin! Do you not see his divine godliness? He is a saint amongst peasants! And yet you _dare_, you _dare_, to squish a fly on his glossy surface."

Hannah backed away. "Dessie…"

I wound my fist back, ready to beat her from here to the high heavens.

"No! Don't hurt my Hannah!" Zetsu threw himself in front of Hannah just as my fist came crashing down. However, before if could make contact –

"WHAT THE HELL!"

I turned around. Kakuzu stood outside the car gawping up at the huge mansion that stretched out before him (Deidara was still inside the car with the unconscious Mr. Ferguson).

"What's up, Kakuzu?" asked Hannah, trying to distract me.

"The – it – so – what – why – is," Kakuzu gasped, practically hyperventilating as he stared up at my house. "Why the hell is your house so _big_!"

"Because I can afford it."

Kakuzu stared. First at me, and then at the house, and then back to me. Slowly, he walked over to where I stood and placed his hands on my shoulders. With a dead serious expression, he gazed at me and said, "Desdemona Lee, will you marry me?"

_WHACK_!

Hidan punched Kakuzu in the side of the face, sending Kakuzu sprawling to the ground with blood and spit flying from his mouth.

"Hey, Zombie Whore," I snapped. "Don't punch the guy who proposes!" And then I turned to regarded Kakuzu. "Sorry, Doctor Oc. But I've got a boyfriend – I don't need a fiancé too… You could try marrying Ms. Wendy though. She's going to inherit the whole thing one day."

Kakuzu looked around desperately. "Where can I find her?"

"You'll meet her soon enough," I said. "First let's deal with the old coot." I jerked my thumb in the direction of Mr. Ferguson.

He was beginning to wake up now, his blue eyes fluttered between this world and the next. I leant over him and waited patiently until his eyes flew open completely. The two of us stood frozen for a moment, gazing at one another. A slow, steady grin spread over my face and I said, "Hello, _Ben_."

Mr. Ferguson screamed and promptly passed out again.

"Ah, the good old days," I said cheerfully. "Serves that asshole right for giving me a zero."

"What should we do with him?" asked Leader.

"Eat him." (Zetsu's black half)

"Hn." (Guess who!)

"Sacrifice him to Jashin-sama!" (insert Hidan's evil laughter here)

"We could hold him for ransom," suggested Kakuzu.

Hannah smacked her forehead. Apparently she was thinking the same thing I was: This is what happens when you let the criminally insane Akatsuki kidnap someone.

"Why don't we take him inside," I recommended. "And we'll discuss it out in there… I don't want any helicopters swooping down on us…"

"Why do you care?" asked Hidan. "You'll just kick all their asses."

"Get a move on." I snapped. "Or I'll kick _your_ ass."

And so we did, one-by-one the Akatsuki, Hannah, and I filed into the house and made our way to one of my various dining rooms to hold council. Leader, of course, sat at the head of the table with Konan at his right. I was permitted to sit at his left hand side (since it was my house) with Hannah beside me. We unbound Mr. Ferguson's gag and tied him to the chair at the end of the table with Deidara sitting beside him to keep watch (I almost feel sorry for the old coot).

"So," said Leader, addressing the whole room. "We have a predicament."

"Hannah, Leader, Kakuzu, and Deidara kidnapped our ex-physics teacher," I explained helpfully.

Leader glared before turning his attention back to the Akatsuki. "We can hardly let him go – nor can we hold him for ransom since it will endanger the girls' place on Earth."

"So we propose that we keep Mr. Ferguson hostage for awhile," I interrupted.

"Shut up, Dessie," snapped Leader. "No one cares what you have to say."

"Asshole…" I muttered, but I shut up (sometimes it's best just to listen to Leader – it saves a lot of broken bones).

"As I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted," said Leader. "We plan on returning to the hideout as soon as possible. So, we'll keep Mr. Ferguson locked up here and then let him go when we return to the hideout."

"He can stay in the basement," I recommended.

Leader glared at me for a moment, before nodding curtly. "Yes. I propose we take it in shifts to look after him."

"And don't kill him," Hannah added. "It creates a lot of unnecessary paper work – and I don't want to go to jail."

Hidan looked disappointed.

"Hidan and Kakuzu can take the first shift," decided Leader. "Then Dedara and Tobi will take over three hours later."

"What do the rest of us do in the meantime?" asked Kisame.

"Hang out at the house and watch TV dramas," recommended Hannah. "It's how Dessie comes up with storylines for her cars." She glanced in my direction and I grinned triumphantly at her.

"You're just jealous because you don't own Ajay the Aston Martin."

Hannah scowled.

"Ajay the Aston Martin has a scratch on it, remember," said Kakuzu, smirking. "Hannah hasn't received her punishment yet."

I turned to Hannah, my eyes flashing angrily. "You're right, Kakuzu. I forgot about that…"

Hannah scowled at Kakuzu. "Thanks a lot, asshole."

"Don't hurt Hannah!" Zetsu, who sat at the far end of the table got up and raced to Hannah's side, ready to defend his wife at any moment. "I'll kill you if you hurt Hannah!"

"Oh," I said, smirking in Hannah's direction. "You have a little minion. Well guess what, I have my minions too!"

"Who?" she asked.

"Hidan!"

Hidan, who had been having a conversation with Deidara, looked up and glanced around the room confusedly. "What?"

"Zetsu here says Jashin-sama's not real and the whole Jashinism idea is a scam."

"What!" Hidan leapt up from his seat at the table and with his face contorted with rage, Hidan jumped over the dinning room table to grab Zetsu by the collar. "What're you saying about Jashin-sama, you weed?"

"See," I said to Hannah. "My lackey kicks your lackey's ass."

And at that point Zetsu leaned over and bit Hidan's arm.

"AH!" Hidan leaped backwards, waving his arms about wildly as blood dripped down the sleeve of his t-shirt. "What the hell! You shitty cannibalistic plant! I'll kill you!"

Zetsu scowled and his black half said, "We're a plant – we're only cannibalistic if we eat our fruits and veggies." Zetsu opened his mouth and stepped towards Hidan as the white half said, "Oh yum-yum – Jashinist in my tum."

Hidan yelped and ran away with Zetsu chasing after him.

Smiling, Hannah turned to me and grinned. "Correction: _my_ lackey kicks _your_ lackey's ass."

Rule Number Twenty-Eight: Hidan makes a shitty lackey – next time try Deidara – you can tell him that Zetsu is insulting art. Explosions are much more threatening that Jashinists and their scythes.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'm sorry it took me so long to update...I had a shit ton of homework last night. And I probably won't update again until late Saturday or early Sunday since I'm going to Jazz Fest tomorrow. Sorry! However, YAY FOR THE LACKEYS! I would make Hidan my lackey...except I'd have him do more than just beat Zetsu up. hahahaha jk jk. Review! Or Zetsu will eat _your_ arm.  
><strong>


	29. Home Sweet Home

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Home Sweet Home**

**_Rule Number Twenty-Nine: Don't bring the Akatsuki to family reunions – particularly if your family is very, very strange…_**

**Kate**

Hello, wonderful readers, and welcome back to my mind…This chapter of the story starts off with intense fear. Fear on my part, to be certain. You see, the five of us – Dessie, Hidan, Itachi, Konan, and I – were driving along the interstate towards the west side of East Fell. Dessie sat in the drivers' seat of her Aston Martin with Itachi on her left (there were some perks to being Dessie's 'boyfriend'). I was in the back of the car, squeeze between a very somber Konan and a very, very pissed off Hidan.

"Why does Itachi get the front seat?" he asked.

"Because Itachi's hot and you're not," snapped Dessie. Then, she giggled. "I'm Doctor Seuss."

"Who the hell is Doctor Seuss?" said Hidan.

"A genius of my childhood," replied Dessie. "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish!"

"My mom used to read me that too!" I cried excitedly. Then, the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach returned and I slouched back down in my seat. "Oh Warg…"

"It'll be fine, Kate," said Konan peaceably. "Didn't Hannah say that your parents would be totally fine with us telling them that you travelled to a different dimension, got hooked up with some dangerous criminals, and then returned to this dimension, brining them all with you?"

I cringed. "Yeah…They'll be fine with that…"

Dessie snickered in the front seat. "I love your mom, bitch – and your dad."

"What are they like?" asked Konan curiously.

"You'll see…" said Dessie as she exited the interstate into the suburb division of Grayson Meadows.

We drove through the streets past the oh-so familiar houses with neat-trimmed gardens and stucco walls. Itachi peered out the windows and stared at the scenery with surprisingly intense interest.

"The houses are small," he observed.

"Well _excuse me_ for being middle-class," I muttered.

Dessie pulled into the driveway of a two-story house with red-and-black bricked walls and a garden filled with white flowers. As Dessie turned off the car engine, we sat there for a moment, staring up at number 45 Vandalia Drive. My home.

"Maybe there's no one home…" I murmured, half hoping this sentence was true.

Dessie honked the car horn. It sounded through the neighborhood disturbing the earlier silence. Then, when the noise had faded away, the still quiet returned. We remained, watching the house of some signs of movement.

"This is stupid," said Hidan, and, for once, Dessie agreed.

"Get out of the car and go knock on the door, bitch," said Dessie.

"You do it."

"It's your house."

"But you've been here so many times before, it's practically yours as well," I pointed out.

With a sigh of resign, Dessie threw her hands up in the air. "Fine, bitch, I'll go get your parents for you." And with that, she hopped out of the car and made her way across the garden to the front door of the house.

The rest of us waited in the car, squinting as we staring out the windows trying to get a good view of Dessie. She rung the doorbell and stood there for a little while. Then, the door opened and someone who I couldn't see clearly appeared in the doorway – and flung her arms around Dessie's neck.

Overcome with sudden joy, I threw open the car door and started to get out – when a mob of little urchins came sprinting out of the house and leapt on top of Dessie. She yelped and went crashing to the ground with a stack of urchins on top of her.

I screamed and ran back inside the car.

"What is it? What's wrong?" asked Konan frantically.

"Who's attacking Dessie!" cried Hidan, kicking open the car door and running outside.

"Wait!" I screamed, racing after him. "Don't hurt my–"

The little urchins on top of Dessie raised their heads and caught sight of me. Huge smiles spread across their faces and they came sprinting across the lawn to jump into my arms. This would have been fine if there had been one of them – but no, there were five little urchins all trying to give me hugs and kisses at once. I collapsed under the weight of them and, like Dessie, went crashing to the ground.

"What the hell!" cried Hidan as Itachi and Konan got out of the car as well and made their way over.

"Don't curse around the little kids, Zombie Whore!" shouted Dessie.

"AH!"

As I managed to push the last of the little urchins off of me, I looked in the direction of the young woman standing beside Dessie. I hadn't recognized her at first, but now that I looked closely, I recognized her sharp, brown eyes and well-defined features to belong to my cousin, Sonia Collins. However, unlike the last time I had seen her, Sonia had dyed her hair a brilliant shade of bubblegum pink (reminding me strongly of a certain female shinobi that I have never liked).

"Sonia!" I cried, waving at her.

She didn't even look at me since her eyes were filled with the sight of Itachi Uchiha in all his glory. Sonia clutched Dessie's arm and cried, "Look at that _hottie_!"

"I saw him first," snapped Dessie, pushing Sonia's arm off indignantly. "Itachi is my boyfriend – say away from him."

Sonia shrieked. "_You_? _You_, Dessie the boy-chaser violent chick extraordinaire, have a boyfriend – and a hottie like that nonetheless!"

Dessie smiled proudly and nodded. "I win, bitch."

Nonchalantly, Sonia shrugged. "That's fine – I'll just go for the silver-haired hottie next to him."

"Silver haired hottie…?" asked Dessie slowly, looking around nervously. However, the only silver-haired person nearby was Hidan. Dessie stared at him for a long moment, perhaps trying to decide if he was hot or not, and then, Dessie said, "You don't want that guy – he's an asshole."

"But his face is _fine_," said Sonia excitedly.

Hidan was staring at the two girls irritably and then, finally said, "Shut the hell up – you don't have to talk about me like I'm not here!"

Sonia giggled and slid over to Hidan's side. "Well then, baby, let's have a _talk together_." She winked at Dessie, who scowled.

"Where's Mom and Dad, Sonia?" I asked, getting to my feet as half of the little urchins ran over to comfort Dessie (I am convinced most of them like her better than me – or, at least, they like bullying her more than they like bullying me).

Sonia looked over at me and said, "Aunt Silvia is out grocery shopping and Uncle Harris is out on a bike ride – they'll be back soon."

"Oh. Bad timing then…"

"Who are all these little children?" asked Konan, staring at the three kids who were tackling Dessie, one of which was busy climbing on top of Dessie's head.

"My siblings," I explained. "These two," I gestured at the two boys clinging to my sides with wide, frightened eyes, "Are the twins, Mark and Ethan. They're both five-years old."

"Oh."

"And they," I pointed at the ones climbing all over Dessie. "The one on her head is the youngest, Tray; he's three years old. And then the one trying to lick Dessie's ear is the six-year-old tyke of terror, Henry. And the kid that Dessie's tickling is Alexander, the eight-year-old oldest of my little brothers."

Sonia turned to Konan with a grin. "Aunty Silvia had Kate when she was a sophomore in high-school and then got married ten years later and got busy."

"You're just as crude as Dessie," I muttered.

"But not as violent," replied Sonia. "Is a bonus package."

"Sonia! What have I told you about throwing wild parties at nine o'clock in the morning!"

At the sound of a young man's deep voice, we all looked around to see a twenty-two-year-old man with scruffy dyed-black hair and blue eyes. He was yawning, clearly not seeing the guests on his lawn.

"Damon!" Dessie screamed. She raced up to the front door of the house and threw her arms around his neck excitedly.

Blinking, Damon opened his eyes and stared at the black haired girl hugging him. He gawked.

"Dessie! I thought you were dead!" And he picked her right off the ground and carried her bridal-style to his sister, Sonia's side. "Look what the cat dragged in!"

"I know," said Sonia. "She's been here for a good half-hour with Kate."

Damon caught sight of me and nearly dropped Dessie. "Dear God," he said. "What is going on today? Where's Hannah? Still alive? Still as pessimistic and sarcastic as ever?"

"Hannah guarding the house," I explained. "We couldn't – er – leave our friends there alone…"

"Mrs. Wendy might eat them alive," said Damon with a laugh.

"Actually…" I muttered. "I was more worried that _they_ eat _her_ alive…literally…"

"That's why we left Hannah there," said Dessie as Damon put her back on the ground. "Zetsu will probably listen to his wife's words…"

"Whoa!" cried Damon raising a hand in the universal symbol for 'stop'. "Hannah is _married_! When did this happen! I didn't know that girl had the heart to love!" Then, Damon's expression shifted slightly as he caught side of Hidan and Itachi. "Who is this creep who married her – he'd better live up to my expectations or I'll kill the fucking shithead."

Dessie snickered. "As if you could."

Damon ignored her, his eyes still fixed on the Akatsuki members present. "Who are these people? Where did you pick them up? Hobo-town?

"What did you just say, you asshole?" asked Hidan.

"You heard me," snarled Damon, stepping in front of Dessie as if to protect her from Hidan's rage (not that Dessie needed protecting).

But right before Hidan could inflict any harm on Damon, a large, silver SUV pulled into the driveway and came to a halt. We all turned around to see who was in the front seat, and I found myself staring into the blue eyes of my mother. We stared at each other for the longest moment and then, slowly, she got out of the car and made her way across the lawn to me.

No one spoke. Not even the urchins said a word.

My mother came to a halt right in front of me, so close that our noses were almost touching.

"Did you have a nice vacation?" she asked.

"Er…yeah…"

"Did you learn a lot about the world?"

"Yeah…"

"That's good." She looked around at Hidan, Itachi, and Konan. "Are these friends that you picked up on your worldly travels?"

Slowly, I nodded. "Yeah…"

"How do you do?" asked my mother grandly. "My name is Silvia Emilie Collins – welcome to my humble abode. Though it may be modest in comparison to Dessie's home, I can tell you now; our house is filled with the love and care of a true family."

Dessie coughed.

"Not to say that there's no love in Dessie's home!" cried Mom. "It's just…so big and between Ms. Wendy and Dessie…"

"Whatever you say, Mrs. Silvia," said Dessie cheerfully. "Thank you for being so _understanding_ of our need to travel the world – or worlds as it would be more appropriate."

"What are you talking about?" asked Sonia.

"Nothing," replied Dessie airily, walking away to pick up little Tray and swinging him in her arms cheerfully. Tray then proceeded to pull Dessie's hair rather violently.

Hidan laughed. "I see you're good with kids, bitch."

Dessie punched him in the nose. "Don't curse around the little kids, asshole."

"Because you're setting a fine example," muttered Damon as he took Tray from Dessie's arms. Tray immediately stopped shrieking and trying to upend hairs. Instead, Tray cuddled down against Damon's chest and promptly went to sleep.

"Devil child," grumbled Dessie.

"But where did you go?" asked my mom, ignoring the argument going on around us. "Morocco? That's where your dad and I went. OrSlovakia? I always wanted to go there…Japan?China?Korea? Where? Do tell me, Kate!"

"Er…well…" I glanced around nervously.

"We went to a different dimension," explained Dessie casually. She walked over beside Itachi and wrapped one arm around his shoulders cheerfully. "Where we hitched up with a gang of criminally insane guys – and one girl – and helped them kidnap and murder people. We also got kidnapped ourselves on multiple occasions – oh! And sold to a brothel once or twice or three times…" Dessie quickly counted the number on her fingers. "Four times, sorry. Then, Kate found a glowing orb a blue light in the cellar and we all went in and woke up at Hannah's old house….Yeah…"

"You for got to mention the kidnapping of Mr. Ferguson," supplied Konan.

"Oh yeah…" Dessie said. "Hannah was accidentally forced to kidnap Mr. Ferguson and he's being held hostage at my house. Hopefully no one's killed him yet…"

Silence.

And then, the reactions went something like this…

Damon: "Oh my poor babies!" and he flung his arms around Dessie's and my necks in a protective embrace.

Sonia: She screamed excitedly and asked if any hot guys bought us at the brothel.

Mom: "Did you learn a lot about the cultures of criminally insane people?"

Itachi, Hidan, and Konan stared at my family confusedly before turning to me and asking, "Are they always like this?"

Slowly I nodded. "Oh yes."

Konan patted me comfortingly on the shoulder. "I understand completely. Be strong."

And then, a man on a bicycle pulled into the driveway. He was dressed in bright yellow biking spandex with his curly blond hair spilling out underneath his neon-orange helmet. The man came to a stop with one foot touching the ground of the driveway on the other on the pedal of the bike. He was gasping for air with sweat trickling down his face.

"Kate?" I said rather breathlessly. "Kate and Dessie… You're back." Then, a huge grin spread across his face and he dismounted his bike. He held out his arms to me and cried, "Give me a hug, Sugar Muffin!"

Dessie made a face. "Don't hug that pile of sweat! Get a shower first, Mr. Harris."

Despite having not seen my father in four months, I had to agree with Dessie. I could smell the sweat from a good ten feet away – I didn't want to know what it was like up close and personal. My mother on the other hand gladly threw her arms around his sweat-soaked neck and cried, "Look,Harris! They're back from their travels!"

"Where'd you go?" asked Dad. "Morocco?"

"To another _world_!" exclaimed my mother. "And look, they brought back friends."

My father held out a hand to Itachi and said with joviality, "Nice to meet you, Old Sport."

With a grim expression, Itachi shook my father's hand, and then quickly wiped it off when my father's back was turned.

"And who is this stunning young woman!" exclaimed Dad as he turned his attention to Konan. "Why, you're as lovely as an angel." And with that my father gave Konan a gigantic sweat-soaked welcoming hug. "Thank you for taking care of my precious Sugar Muffin."

Konan looked repulsed. "Nice to…er…meet you, Mr. Harris."

"And this," said Dessie loudly. "Is Hidan!"

Hidan turned to glare at Dessie as Dad regarded Hidan excitedly.

"Is he your boyfriend, Dessie Darling?" asked Dad, racing over to give Hidan a hug to. "Thank you so much for accepting poor Dessie as your girlfriend – she really is such a nice girl once you get past the violent side of her."

Once he had released Hidan from the hug, my father turned to me and asked, "Which one is your boyfriend, Kate? Itachi? Konan?"

"Konan's a girl," pointed of Dessie. "I'm pretty sure Kate is straight – aren't you?"

My face turned bright red. "I'm straight…"

"In that case," Dessie turned back to my parents. "Kate's got a _thing_ for Tobi, but she's engaged to Kisame – or at least, that's what we told David."

"David!" cried my father. "Who cares about that brat! Who is this Tobi? Who is this Kisame? I need to meet them and decide which one is worthy of my daughter."

While my father was busy ranting out about how popular I was with the boys, Damon had turned to Hidan and was cracking his knuckles threateningly.

"You're dating my Dessie?" asked Damon. "And your _friends_ are toying around with my Kate? What is this! What is this, you asshole!"

"Shut the hell up!" shouted Hidan. "I wouldn't touch Dessie with a ten foot pole let alone date her! And everyone in the Akatsuki rejected Kate when she confessed her love to them! Those girls are nothing but Akatsuki whores!"

Dessie kicked Hidan in between the legs whiel Damon cackled with laughter.

"How dare you reject my girls, asshole!" said Damon villainously.

Hidan lay on the grass, clutching his privates while the little urchins jumped all over his body. Rule Number Twenty-Nine: Don't bring the Akatsuki to family reunions – particularly if your family is very, very strange…

We left Hidan out in the yard with the urchins and Damon, Sonia, Mom, Dad, Itachi, Konan and I made our way inside to catch up on recent events and introduce ourselves. Dessie said she felt a little bit guilty about leaving Hidan in such a position and stayed outside to help him – though personally, I think she just laughed at him the whole time.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, long time between updates, I know, but I was at Jazz Fest - and it was fuuun. On the bright side, you are rewarded with one of the lognest chapters in my story - yay! Welcome to the Collins Family. The dad reminds me a lot of my own...who comes home all sweat and expects us to be all huggy with him - ew. Thank you for all your reccomendations for the character I ended up choosing Kaitraru Seras Viktoria Hatake's Damon and je suis folle de toi's Sonia. (I hope I spelt their usernames correct). Please tell me what you think! Review! Review! Review! **


	30. Babysitting Criminals

**Chapter Thirty: Babysitting Criminals**

**_Rule Number Thirty: Never marry an Akatsuki member, they tend to be very clingy. _**

**Hannah**

I was going to murder Dessie. A few days from now some pitiful person was going to find her decaying body in a sewer and the cops would be at my door. I don't care. I am going to murder her. What kind of _friend_ would leave me alone in her mansion with the criminally insane Akatsuki?

While Dessie, Kate, Konan, Itachi, and Hidan all went to visit Kate's family, I was left alone to babysit the rest of the psychopaths and make sure they didn't kill our hostage, Mr. Ferguson. Zetsu, of course, was not helping the situation. After being sperated from me for so long, he had taken to the habit off following me around the house asking if I needed any help.

"No, Zetsu," I said forcibly as I collapsed onto the sofa beside Leader to watch the morning news. "I do not need _any _help."

"You sure?" asked the white half.

"For the hundredth time – I am sure!" Then, with increased vehemence, I turned to Leader and asked, "What are they talking about on the news?"

Leader glanced at me, his numerous piercings glittering in the light of the room. "Terrorist attack."

I groaned and turned back to the television to see Gwendolyn Brooks standing outside my ex-high school as she reported on the situation. No new information had been found out about the terrorists or the whereabouts of Mr. Ferguson (Thanks to Deidara's massive explosions, he had blown up all the evidence).

"This is insane…" I murmured.

"The sooner we get back the better," agreed Leader.

"Will Hannah be coming back with us?" asked Zetsu's white half.

Leader glanced at me and shrugged. "If she has any brains she won't."

"True," I said. "I'm sick and tired of being the Akatsuki's fake whore – you can keep Kate and Dessie if you want though."

"Er – no thanks."

"I didn't think so."

Before Leader could say anything more, the door to the living room flew open and a very frustrated Ms. Wendy came storming in. Her gray air was slightly disheveled and her clothes ruffled. She strode into the room, huffing and puffing, and yelling at the top of her lungs:

"Hannah! Tell this thick-skulled _freak_ that I will never, _ever_ marry him!"

Kakuzu hurried into the room after Ms. Wendy and caught her by the wrist, pulling her around so that she was forced to face him.

"Wendy, my dear, my darling!" he cried. "From the first moment I saw you I knew – you were the one for me!"

Ms. Wendy kicked him between the legs (we know where Dessie got that habit from) and shouted, "You're just after my money, you barbarian! I have served this family for _years_ and I'm not about to give up the whole fortune to some gold-digger like you!"

"My soul mate…" whimpered Kakuzu weakly as he clutched his manly bits.

"Go to hell."

Resignedly, I got up from my seat on the sofa and approached Kakuzu. "You'd better give it up; Ms. Wendy's a stubborn woman."

"Money…"

"There's plenty more where that came from."

Kakuzu staggered to his feet and looked around the room madly for Ms. Wendy. He stepped towards her and cried, "Marry me, my lov–"

But before he could finish the sentence, Zetsu bent over and bit Kakuzu's shoulder.

"Ah! What are you doing, you psychopathic plant!" screamed Kakuzu. He grabbed hold of the back of Zetsu's neck and wrenched the cannibal's teeth out of his shoulder. Blood spilled onto the floor and Ms. Wendy stood a little away from Kakuzu, cackling maliciously at his suffering (why do I know such weird people?).

"We wanted to help our wifey," said Zetsu's white half.

"And we were hungry," added the black half. He licked his lips and added, "You taste like dried meat."

"Freak!" shouted Kakuzu. Then, he grabbed Ms. Wendy by the wrist and dragged her out of the room to go propose to her somewhere else.

Zetsu and I stood in the middle of the room, staring blankly at the door, neither one of us entirely sure what we should do. Then, Leader looked back over his shoulder from his position on the couch and said, "You two should get a room already!"

I hit Leader on the back of the head before hurrying out of the room. Zetsu started to follow me, but I told him he could help by making sure Leader didn't harm the TV. So, I managed to get rid of my stalker and made my way down to the basement.

Rule Number Thirty: Don't marry any Akatsuki member, they make clingy husbands.

* * *

><p>Mr. Ferguson was tied to a metal chair in the basement. Like all the other rooms in the house, Dessie's basement was top-notch, with expensive carpet and furniture to decorate the sitting area. She even had a games' room in one far corner. Kisame and Tobi, who were looking after Mr. Ferguson at the moment, had thrown all the games to one side of the room and tied Mr. Ferguson to a chair so that he couldn't escape. Now, the two Akatsuki members were sitting on the floor a couple meters away from Mr. Ferguson discussing some plan in secret.<p>

"Hey, guys," I said as I made my way down the stairs into the basement. "What're you doing?"

"Tobi's doing nothing, Hannah-Nunu," said Tobi innocently through his orange mask.

I glanced at him suspiciously and then came to a halt in from of the bound and gagged Mr. Ferguson. He was awake; his brown eyes wide open with shock and fear. I took pity on his and carefully removed the sock that had been stuffed in his mouth (hopefully it was a clean sock).

"How are you, Mr. Ferguson?" I asked.

"How do I look!" he screamed, his voice rising shrilly. "I've been _kidnapped_ by a freak circus! What the hell is going on! Where's that bitch, Dessie, and Kate? I'll kill them! The cops will find you and out you all in jail, but then I'll hunt you down in your cells and _kill you_."

"So nice," I said casually.

"That's why he's gagged," explained Kisame. "Tobi took out the sock earlier and the bastard would not shut up."

"It's fine," I said. "He's curses aren't any worse than Dessie's."

"True," said Kisame.

Tobi snuck up behind me and wrapped his arms around my legs and cooed, "Hannah-Nunu."

"I would have suspected Dessie to be behind this, but not you too, Hannah!" shouted Mr. Ferguson. "You were a good student – but now I see your true colors! You're a real bitch, you know that Hannah!"

Irritably, I turned to Kisame and asked, "Would you mind doing the honors?"

"Not at all."

He made a series of hand signs and made a summoning. There was a puff of smoke and when it had cleared, a frying pan sat at Kisame's feet. Gladly, I picked it up and rounded on Mr. Ferguson.

"I apologize for having kidnapped you, sir," I said, winding up the frying pan. "But I really don't want to go to jail."

"What are you doing with that frying pan!" he screamed.

CLANG!

The frying pan made contact with Mr. Ferguson's skull. His eyes rolled back into his head and he slumped forward in the seat, unconscious.

"Very scary," said Kisame approvingly.

"Yeah, yeah." I turned to them and wiggled the frying pan threateningly. "Now what were you two discussing before I came down here – tell me quickly or you'll face the wrath of my metal pan."

Kisame and Tobi exchanged nervous glances, and then Kisame said, "The Love Guru strikes back!"

"What?"

"However, this time the Love Guru plans to take action on behalf of Hidan."

Tobi giggled excitedly.

"No…" I murmured. "Let me guess... You're going to help Hidan steal Dessie away from Itachi."

Kisame nodded. "Can't you see it! The Love Guru solves epic triangle between three crazy-ass psychos! I'll go down in history!"

"As a freak," I muttered. "You're all freaks, you know that?"

"Hannah-Nunu shouldn't say such things!" wailed Tobi. "It makes Tobi sad!"

"Wh–"

And then, from somewhere above ground, there came the massive sound of an explosion taking place.

My heart froze, and the three of us stood completely still and in dead silence, staring at the ceiling above us wondering what the hell was going on up there.

It was Kisame, of course, who broke the silence:

"Deidara's doing something stupid again. I hope Dessie kills him this time."

"Oh shit…" I murmured and, before Kisame or Tobi could stop me, I sprinted up the stairs in search of the bomb's source.

It took me a good twenty minutes to find Deidara in the mansion. He hadn't moved, thankfully, nor had he set off any recent explosions. Instead, he remained rooted to the spot in Dessie's art gallery, with the rubble remains of what had once been Dessie's Aunt Bella's favorite statue.

"Deidara!" I screamed. "What have you done!"

"Art is a band, uhn!"

"Not when Dessie _kills_ you for it!"

Deidara kicked the rubble awkwardly and then looked up to grin at me. "It's it beautiful?"

"It was until you decided to destroy it and blow the thing to a million tiny bits and pieces…" I gripped the handle of my frying pan tighter and rounded on Deidara with newfound anger. "Dessie won't kill you – because I'm going to beat you into the next life before she can even discover what's happened!"

I raised the frying pan high above my head and brought it crashing down in the direction of Deidara's head. However, he had enough sense to side step (being the elite shinobi that he is) and instead of hitting Deidara, the frying pan embedded itself in the head of Aunt Bella's second favorite statue.

Deidara and I stood frozen in the middle of the gallery, staring at the now broken head of a Greek god.

"Er…this isn't good…" I muttered and tried to pull the frying pan out of Apollo's head. The moment the frying pan was free, the entire statue started to crumble into little tiny bits.

Deidara laughed.

"Oh, sure," I said, trembling slightly. "You can laugh. You don't know Dessie as well as I do."

"What's she going to do?" asked Deidara between fits of laughed. "Kill me?"

"Worse. She has friends in high and low places – mostly low."

Suddenly, there was the sound of footsteps running down the hallway. My body grew stiff as both Deidara and I turned to the entrance to the hallway as Kate came sprinting into the gallery.

"Hannah! Hannah guess what!"

She flung her arms around my neck, not noticing the debris scattered around me.

"What?" I asked, trying to pry her off.

"We met my parents and the urchins and Sonia and Damon–"

Three more people stepped into the gallery behind Kate. Sonia and Dessie were absorbed in their own conversation of hotties, while Damon caught sight of me and grinned eagerly.

"Get off her, Kate," he said. "I want to give her a hug."

He flung his arms around my shoulders and gave me a huge hug. "Missed you, Hannah. Life gets dull without you."

When Damon let go, Deidara and I inched awkwardly in front of the fallen statues, hoping that Sonia and Dessie would leave before Dessie saw…

"What's that?" asked Damon, pointing behind us. "Wasn't that once Apollo's bust?"

Dessie paused. Midway in her conversation with Sonia, she turned to stare at Deidara and me, her expression stiff. Slowly, she sauntered towards us, her eyes flashing dangerously. "What did you do to my aunt's precious Apollo?"

"Nothing," said Deidara innocently. "That was all Hannah's fault.

"What!" I cried, rounding on his angrily. "You're the one who decided it'd be fun to blow up Artemis!"

Dessie twitched…

[The next scene is censored due to the extreme violence displayed by Dessie as she beats Hannah and Deidara senseless in revenge for the destruction of her aunt's most precious possessions]

When all was said and done, Damon sat back and grinned at the crippled bodies of Deidara and me.

"Ah," he said. "It's good to be back."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I am so sorry it took me so long to update! I have been swapped by exams and school... Please forgive me if updates are slow over the next two weeks due to exams, but then it will be summer and I am free to write whenever - YAY! Thank you to all of you who had read this story! It is now over 12,000 hits and over 230 reviews. I feel so happy! hahaha. Now, please review some more or Hannah and her frying pan will hunt you down!  
><strong>


	31. Love Gamble

**Chapter Thirty-One: Love Gamble**

**Rule Number Thirty-One: Kakuzu is an amazing bluffer, but Dessie's even better.**

**Dessie**

Two eights and a handful of crap – not bad. I glanced up at Kakuzu over the tops of my cards and saw a demonic grin spread across his face. Rule Number Thirty-One: Kakuzu is an amazing bluffer, but I'm better.

With a completely calm face, I place down three cards and waited as Sonia, the dealer, gave me three new ones from the deck. I glanced at them and then back up at Kakuzu, whose grin was only getting wider as time went by. Hannah folded and so did Deidara, not wanting to waste any more of their pitiful stacks of chips – poker never has been and never will be Hannah's strong point. Deidara was just an idiot.

"I bet ten bucks," said Kakuzu, dropping his coins into the pile.

I glanced at my hand again, and then, after a pause, called. After all, five-card poker was my specialty.

Sonia seemed more divided than me. She fingered her chips lightly, debating. Then, she called and watched as Kakuzu flipped up a three of a kind – three kings.

"Shoot," muttered Sonia as she looked down at her pitiful pile of two dollars worth of chips. "I'm screwed."

"Yep. And so is Kakuzu," and with that, I cheerfully revealed my full house (two four and three eights). I raked in the pile of chips in the middle of the table and then proceeded to carefully short them by worth.

"This is ridiculous," muttered Kakuzu. "You're obviously cheating."

"I don't need to cheat."

"What're Kisame, Tobi, and Hidan up to?" asked Sonia curiously, looking over my shoulder.

Following her gaze, I turned around and saw that in the far corner of the room, the three men were crowded in a circle, discussing in hushed voices. Every once in awhile, they would glance in our direction and then, seeing that we were staring at them, they would quickly look away innocently.

"That's awfully suspicious, uhn," said Deidara.

Hannah glanced at Kisame and then rolled her eyes irritably. "They're all idiots."

"You know what they're talking about?" asked Sonia.

"Unfortunately," said Hannah resignedly. "Don't ask," she added, cutting across Sonia's question. "You'll find out soon enough."

"Shut up," I snapped. "You're disturbing my concentration."

We continued playing for a little longer until Sonia ran out of chips and just sat back to watch. Only then, in the middle of a stalemate between Kakuzu and me, Kisame decided to interrupt the poker game with a "very important issue".

"Hidan has something he wants to talk to you about," said Kisame firmly, trying to pull me away by the arm.

"Get away from me, asshole," I snapped, pulling my arm back and handing the dealer (Deidara) two cards. He gave me two back and I checked them carefully.

"Look, what Hidan has to say is more important than this stupid poker game," said Kisame irritably.

Immediately, both Kakuzu and I turned to glare at Kisame. "Don't insult poker, idiot!"

Kisame glanced from me to Kakuzu and back to me. "You two scare me sometimes, you know that, right? Shitty poker addicts. You all have an addiction – that's messed up."

"Shut up, Kisame," said Deidara. "We're in the middle of a game, uhn."

"Not you too!" cried Kisame. However, he gave up for the time being and retreated to his spot beside Tobi, who was currently holding Hidan captive.

Damon, seeing his chance, now made his way across the room to stand in between Tobi and Kisame. Rather curious, after I folded out of the hand, I turned to see what Damon was going to do.

"So," said Damon nonchalantly. "You're Kisame the Fish Fry and Tobi the Nunu Master."

"Where'd you get those names?" asked Kisame.

Tobi giggled delightedly. "Hannah-Nunu and Dessie-Nunu are so pretty…"

"Dessie came up with them," said Damon (I grinned proudly). "And she also said that you two had _intimate relations_ with my cousin."

Tobi looked confused, while a sly grin spread across Kisame's face and he slung an arm around Damon's shoulders saying, "So you're Kate's cousin. Don't worry; I'll take goof care of my _fiancé_." Kisame glanced in my direction and winked.

"You…engaged…" gasped Damon, looking horrified. "To Kate?"

"Yep," said Kisame proudly. "She's a darling. Tobi here had a chance for her, but his heart's set on his nunu harem." Kisame slapped Tobi roughly on the shoulder. "And Hidan – well, he's nuts about Dessie."

"Go to hell," snapped Hidan angrily.

Damon snorted. "I pity you, Hidan." And then he turned back to Kisame. "You're too old for my cousin, pervert. Stay away from her."

Kisame chuckled. "It's her choice, is it not?"

"No," said Damon. "It's mine. Now stay away from my cousin." Then, Damon turned to Tobi and said, "Nunus?"

Tobi smiled. "Nunus."

Damon nodded appreciatively. "You have very good taste in nunus, Tobi."

"Tobi knows. Does Damon have nunus too?"

"Of course," said Damon proudly. "Dessie is m bad-ass nunu, Hannah is my sarcastic nunu, and Kate is my sweet nunu."

"What about Jessica?" I asked from the other side of the room.

"Jessica?" asked Kisame curiously.

"His girlfriend," I explained. "She's his sexy nunu."

Damon's face turned a vivid shade of red and he stammered, "Don't bring up Jessica…"

But, of course, eh was too late. A demonic grin spread across Kisame's shark-like face and he leaned over to hand Damon his business card. "If you're having romantic issues, Kisame the Love Guru is here to help. A one-hundred percent success rate."

"Failure rate is even higher…" muttered Hidan as he tried to slip away; however, Tobi caught hold of Hidan's arm, trapping poor Hidan in place.

"Dessie," called out Kakuzu irritably. "You're the dealer."

"Right," I said and I picked up the deck of cards and began shuffling them. After a minute or so, I started dealing out the hands to Hannah, Deidara, Kakuzu, and me.

As I did so, Kisame had grabbed Hidan by the wrist and dragged Hidan over to the poker table. Casually, Kisame leaned over and tapped me on the shoulder, "Dessie! Dessie! Hidan has something he wants to say to you."

"I'm busy," I snapped.

"It's important," said Kisame, holding Hidan in place as Hidan tried to slip away.

"Let g of me, you shithead!" shouted Hidan.

"God damnit, Hidan!" I cried, turning around to punch him in the stomach. "You made me lose count!"

I gathered up all the cards again and shuffled once more before dealing out all the cards once again.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" gasped Hidan, clutching his stomach where all the wind had been knocked out of him. "You psycho-bitch."

I stopped dealing and turned to glower at Hidan. "What did you just call me, you shitty Zombie Whore. Psycho-bitch? I'll tear you from limb to limb and throw you to the carnivores in the zoo. And all the while, as you're screaming you head off in agony, I'll watch and laugh."

"Psycho-bitch," repeated Hidan. "You're a crazy-ass psycho-bitch."

"Dessie! Deal!" shouted Kakuzu angrily.

However, Kisame the Love Guru had had enough with our arguments, because, he pushed past Hidan and picked me up right off the ground, slinging me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I screamed and pounded my fists against his back, but Kisame simple ignored my struggles.

"Put the dealer down," said Kakuzu angrily. "We're going to finish this."

Kisame looked from Kakuzu to me to the deck of cards on the table. Then, with a triumphant grin, Kisame kicked over the piles of chips, knocking them over into a useless, jumbled mess.

"AH!" Kakuzu screamed. "My money! My precious, beautiful money!"

"The Love Guru has more important matters to attend to," said Kisame and he turned to Hidan and added, "Follow me."

"Make me, you fish fry!" shouted Hidan. "I'm not following you and that psycho-bitch anywhere."

Tobi leapt onto Hidan's back and wrapped his arms and legs so tightly around Hidan's body that Hidan couldn't move an inch.

"What the hell!" cried Hidan, struggling desperately, but he could not manage to break Tobi's strong grasp (Tobi is secretly the leader of the Akatsuki for nothing).

"Good job, Tobi," said Kisame proudly. "Take him outside."

And, with me slung over his shoulder, Kisame led Hidan and Tobi outside into the front garden. It was only when we were outside and far clear of the house did Kisame put me down – or rather dropped me. Tobi, too, released Hidan and the two of them stood there, grinning excitedly at Hidan and me.

"What do you want, shitheads?" I asked angrily.

"Tell her, Hidan," said Tobi. "Tell her!"

"Tell her what?" snapped Hidan. "This was all part of your stupid plan – I have no part in it." He began to walk away when Kisame grabbed Hidan by the shoulder and dragged Hidan back in front of me, this time with a kunai pressed to Hidan's throat.

"This is a violation of free will, you assholes!" shouted Hidan angrily.

"Tell her," said Kisame threateningly, the kunai drawing blood as it dug deeper into Hidan's neck.

"You can't kill me, you moron!" shouted Hidan. "I'm an immortal!"

"You're right," said Kisame and he slid the kunai down so that it threatened a more…_important_ area of Hidan's body.

"Whoa! Whoa!" cried Hidan, struggling against Kisame frantically. "Where do you think you're putting that thing?"

"Tell her, Zombie Whore, or your little manly bits are going bye-bye."

Hidan yelped.

I snickered. "Tell me what?"

Kisame gave Hidan a little push and Hidan, in desperation, screamed, "Tell you that I fucking like you, you shitty psycho-bitch!"

I stared. First at Kisame, who was grinning triumphantly. Then at Tobi, who I think was smiling underneath that orange mask of his. And finally at Hidan, who had managed to slip away from Kisame's kunai.

"Don't joke with me!" I screamed and kicked Hidan between the legs.

Then, I turned around and stormed off back to the house. Behind me I heard Tobi's laughter and Kisame saying with a sigh, "The Love Guru's got a long way to go before he gets this couple together."

"Shut up!" I said, before returning to get my revenge on Kisame and Tobi. Then, sure that I had caused damage to every annoying guy, I returned to the house to direct Kakuzu towards the son-of-a-shark who ruined our poker game. Ah, revenge is ever so sweet.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This was a short chapter, but I had fun writing it. Kisame the Love Guru from the other angle. Poor Hidan, he was completely innocent throughout this who chapter and he still ends up being the one who was abused. I guess that's only to be expected since it is Dessie he's dealing with. Hidan must be a secret masochist. Do you realize, that the character I abuse the most happens to be my favorite character... hmmm... I kind of pity my future husband, gawd knows what he'll have to go through. hahaha **

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY to FrenzVammi who is my loyal reviewer! This update is for her!  
><strong>

**Thank you so much for the reviews I received last chapter I got ten within such a short amount of time! Though, feel free to review it if you haven't already! Also, FEEL KAKUZU'S WRATH IF YOU DON'T REVIEW!  
><strong>


	32. When Sparks Fly

**Chapter Thirty-Two: When Sparks Fly**

**_Rule Number Thirty-Two: Don't let the Akatsuki watch movies – very, very bad things happen in the dark…_**

**Kate**

"Let's have a movie night!"

When I spoke those five words, I had no idea the doom and despair that come with them. Then again, by now I had spent enough time with the Akatsuki that I should no – there is nothing we can do that down not come wrapped in a pretty bow of doom and despair.

"No." (This was Hannah speaking)

There were six of us draped around the sofas and chairs in one of Dessie's many living rooms. Dessie and Hannah sat on the sofa, sharing a bowl of chips while Sonia sat on the floor in front of them, every so once in awhile trying to steal a chip. On the other side of the rom, Hidan had discovered the uses of an automatic recliner chair and had now spent an entire hour pressing buttons and grinning madly whenever the chair moved. Itachi, also, was there, reading yet another book from Dessie's private library.

"Why not?" I asked Hannah. "A movie night would be fun…"

"It'd be disastrous," corrected Hannah. "The answer is no."

"I think it'd be hilarious," said Dessie cheerfully. "Imagine the Akatsuki watching the _Titanic_."

We all imagined it for a moment and then shuddered.

Sonia, however, laughed excitedly. "Let's do it! Dessie okayed the idea and it's her house! What movie should we watch? We need to get some supplies! Popcorn? Pizza?"

I grinned and, ignoring Hannah's protests, said, "We should go to the store! Who wants to come with us?"

There was a pause.

"I want to go!" Hidan leapt out of his recliner chair and raced across the room. "Should I bring my scythe?"

Dessie rolled her eyes. "No sacrificing people in the middle of the store! You're as bad as Deidara to bring in public."

"Shut up, bitch," snapped Hidan angrily. "You would never be able to understand the qualities of Jashinism. Sacrifices are an important part of every day life. It's only because of Leader that I've been so good lately. The moment you turn you back, someone's going bye-bye."

Itachi smirked. "Leader made no such command. You're only obeying because Dessie threatened to cut off your manly bits and nail them to the door if you sacrificed anyone."

"Itachi, you traitor," snapped Hidan.

Dessie snickered. "Hell yeah, my boyfriend's always there to back me up."

Angrily, Hidan marched to the other side of the room where Sonia sat, picked her up right off the ground, and gave her a rib-breaking hug, glaring at Dessie all the while. "Well _my girl_ is always here to back _me_ up."

Dessie scowled. "You have awful taste in women."

Hidan's eyes narrowed and he hugged Sonia tighter until her eyes bugged out. "And so does Itachi – what kind of crazy bastard would like a stalker like you?"

Itachi coughed, which sounded suspiciously like the word "you". However, if Hidan heard Itachi, he chose to ignore the accusation and continued to glare at Dessie while practically hugging Sonia to death. Suddenly, without warning, Dessie got up from her seat on the sofa, knocking the bowl of chips to the floor. She grabbed Itachi by the wrist and dragged him out of the room. Over his shoulder, Itachi looked back and mouthed "Help me".

I almost felt sorry for him.

* * *

><p>Thankfully, out of the Akatsuki only Hidan and Konan came to the gracery store with us. So, we made quick progress with minimal accidents occurring (by minimal I mean that Hidan only tried to sacrifice one person and Konan only made a mess in the paper aisle once).<p>

Mostly, the low amount of death threats came from the fact that Hidan was occupied for most of the outing. After his hugging session with Sonia this morning, Sonia decided to latch herself onto Hidan and not let go, convinced that they were "lovers" now. Hidan, of course, looked disgusted by Sonia attachment and kept trying to lose her amongst the aisle of the grocery store. However, unlike Hidan who kept getting lost in the toiletry section, Sonia knew her way around the store well and it turned into a gigantic game of hide-and-seek.

"This is ridiculous," said Hannah wearily as Sonia sprinted past us giggling madly.

I frowned slightly and said, "I'm sort of glad Dessie decided to remain home and prepare the house. She'd be breaking walls if she were here."

Hannah shuddered at the thought.

"Why don't they just get together already?" asked Konan.

"Why don't you and Leader just get together already?" snapped back Hannah.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure…" muttered Hannah irritably. Then, she added, "This movie night is going to be the death of me."

"What movie should we watch?" I asked.

"What's a movie?" asked Konan curiously.

Hannah and I exchanged horrified glances. "You don't…know…?"

Konan shook her head.

"A movie…" said Hannah thoughtfully. "Is where there's overly dramatic story told out through movie images on a screen…"

Konan didn't look any less confused.

"Actors are filled…and then…" Hannah rolled her eyes at Konan's bemused expression. "I give up. You'll see tonight…if we ever manage to get out of here!" She added the last part as Hidan came sprinting by with Sonia hot at his heels.

"Let's watch _Mama Mia_!" I said excitedly. "I love that movie!"

"I hate that movie," said Hannah glumly. "So cheesy and such bullshit."

"It's adorable!" I wailed.

"It's awful."

"What is it?" asked Konan. "What's it about? I want to see this movie now. Let's watch it."

As I skipped to the movie aisle to see if they had _Mama Mia_ for sale, Hannah groaned. "We're doomed now. We'll be lucky if the Akatsuki don't blow up the entire neighborhood at the sight of this catastrophe of a movie."

Konan shrugged. "I thought it sounded interesting."

I returned to the cart, waving the copy of _Mama Mia_ above my head. "They had it!"

"Hey, baby; are you from Tennesse because you're the only ten I see!"

At the sound of an incredible bad pickup line, both Konan, Hannah, and I turned ot see who had spoken. My heart plummeted as I caught sight of Raymond Fleming. With thick glasses and a serious acne problem, Raymond was an ex-classmate of mine who had a crush on Hannah for about a year, me for three, and Dessie for about a week.

"What do you want?" Hannah asked disgustedly.

Raymond wiggled his eyebrows suggestivelyat Konan. "Hey, honey… Do you work for UPS? Because I swear I saw you checking out my package." He _winked._

"Dear Warg," Hannah muttered, turning away to hide slightly behind Konan. "I don't know that guy."

Konan looked confused. "What's UPS? I work for the Akatsuki."

"It's okay to think slowly. You must be tired, because you've been running through my head all night." Raymond grinned.

"Um…" Konan glanced around for an escape route. "We only met two seconds ago…"

"Raymond!" I yelled dragging Konan and the cart away from my ex-classmate, trying to find the fastest route to the checkout line. "Don't…don't say it!"

"I caught him!" cried Sonia, running up to us and dragging Hidan along by the collar of his shirt. "He put up a good fight, but he could a–" She caught sight of Raymond and stared. For about a minute, she didn't move an inch, just gawped at him disbelievingly. Then, she screamed.

"Hey Sonia," said Raymond excitedly. "I must b in heaven, because I just saw an angel."

"I must be in heaven," snapped Sonia. "Because I just saw you walking away."

"Who is this bastard?" asked Hidan confusedly.

"Stalker," said Hannah and I nodded in mute agreement.

Suddenly, a light filled Hannah's eyes and she turned to Hidan excitedly. "This guy stalks Dessie and throws her the most corniest pickup lines imaginable!"

The words were magical. Hidan's eyes flashed as he turned to regard Raymond with the upmost loathing. Hidan walked forward and said, in the most deadly tones, "I'm going to kill you."

"Dessie?" said Raymond, backing away slightly at the sight of Hidan. "That psycho? I liked her for a week… Then, when I asked her for a date, she knocked me out, tied me up, and tried to feed me to the lions at the zoo."

Hannah, Sonia, and I snickered.

"Good times," said Sonia cheerfully. "Good times…"

Hidan, however, had stopped attacking Raymond and was now nodding in agreement. "She is a psycho bitch."

Seeing a glimmer of hope, Raymond jumped on Hidan's comment. "I know!" he cried. "Even if she's a hot babe with a big chest, she's completely insane! She ought to be locked up somewhere…"

Before Raymond could finish his sentence, Hidan's hand shot out and caught Raymond by the throat. Hidan's expression was livid as he glared at Raymond. Slowly, loathingly, Hidan said, "Jashin-sama will relish your death, you puny heathen."

"What…did…I…do?" gasped Raymond desperately.

Hannah looked thoughtful. "You probably shouldn't have commented on Dessie's chest. For a psychopathic murderer Hidan is pretty pure in mind."

"Shut up!" snapped Hidan, turning to Hannah.

As he did so, he dropped Raymond and the boy scampered off out of the store before Hidan could remember to kill him. We watched him go, a little forlorn that Hidan hadn't murder Raymond. Oh well, we can't have everything in life.

* * *

><p>"Dessie…"<p>

"Yes, Katie?" Dessie smiled innocently at me.

We stood in the living room amongst the crowd of people all waiting for Hannah to arrive with the popcorn so that the movie could start. Dessie and I stood side-by-side in front of the DVD player, watching the scene in front of us.

"Dessie… why did you feel obliged to invite my _parents_ to watch the movie with us?" I asked miserably.

Sure enough, my mother, dressed in paint splattered jeans and a tie-dyed t-shirt, was mingling amongst the Akatsuki. Currently, she was explaining to Deidara why explosions don't promote world peace. My dad, on the other hand, was holding a beer bottle and congratulating Kisame and Tobi on their good taste in women.

"We should go make sure Kisame and Tobi don't kill Mr. Harris," said Dessie cheerfully, and she dragged me across the room to stand beside my dad.

"Dessie-Nunu!" cried Tobi, and he flung his arms around Dessie's neck excitedly. "Tobi missed his nunu! Tobi was so lonely!"

My dad glanced at Tobi suspiciously. "What about Kate?"

Tobi glanced at me and then to my dad. "Tobi only has Hannah and Dessie Nunus."

My dad's eye twitched and he turned to regard Tobi with an icy expression. "Do you mean to tell me that my darling Kate is not _worthy _of being your nunu?"

Tobi nodded excitedly. "Harris understands Tobi!"

"Of course…" My dad was turning red about the ears as the rage bottled up inside of him. His eyes flashed and suddenly, my dad raised his half empty beer bottle above his head and brought it smashing down on Tobi's. "How dare you reject my beloved daughter like that you crazy jerk! She's beautiful and stunning and kind and lovely! In what way is she not worthy of being you precious, precious nunu!"

Tobi staggered under the blow my father had dealt, but, being the powerful shinobi that he is, Tobi did not pass out. Instead, he took one look at my father, who was still screaming his head off about my perfect, and then, Tobi turned and ran.

"Coward!" shouted my father, turning to chase after Tobi.

Kisame, however, came to Tobi's rescue. He wrapped his arms around my neck and rested his chin on top my head, grinning at my dad confidently. "Hello, Mr. Harris. I'm Kate's fiancé, Kisame. Nice to meet you, future-father-in-law."

"Get off me!" I cried, pushing Kisame's arms away from me.

Kisame cackled villainously and stepped backwards.

My father approached Kisam with a warm smile on his face. "Kisame, how do you do. Aren't you a little old for my daughter? Well, it doesn't matter, age is unimportant when it comes to love, right? Well, I'm glad to meet you, Kisame, take good care of my daughter."

He said all this with a huge smile on his face and his hands fixed around Kisame's neck, strangling Kisame to death.

"Should we help him?" I asked Dessie nervously.

Dessie looked thoughtful. "Wow. When he can't breathe, Kisame turns black instead of blue…"

"Dessie!"

"Oh alright." She turned to my father and screamed, "Look! General's Sporting Goods have a fifty percent off sale on all hideous biking outfits!"

Almost immediately, my father dropped Kisame and turned around wildly, crying "Where!"

"There you go," said Dessie turning back to me. "Problem solved."

"Popcorn has arrived!"

We turned to see Hannah walking into the room trying to balance three big bowls of buttered popcorn. Almost immediately, the guys rushed around her to take away the popcorn (not out of gentlemanliness, but because of their stomach – just in case any female romantics were thinking the other way).

Deidara hopped down in the squishy arm chair and grinned excitedly at the TV. "Movie time!"

"Don't blow it up," warned Dessie, taking the bowl of popcorn from Hidan and sitting down in the middle of the couch. "Or you're buying me a new one."

"Give me back to popcorn, bitch," snapped Hidan, trying to take the bowl back from Dessie.

She kicked him away and Hidan compromised by plopping himself down on the couch next to her and sharing the popcorn (who would have thought that _Hidan_ of all people was capable of compromise).

I pushed play on the remote and sat down next to Dessie to watch the movie. Sonia, Damon, my father, and my mother sat on the floor. Tobi did too and then grabbed Hannah by the waist and pulled her onto his lap, despite her protests. Leader and Konan shared the other couch and Kakuzu took the recliner. We all sat around excitedly at the first scene came up.

Silence, and then…

"Why are they all singing?" (This was Kisame)

"Because they feel like it," I said, trying to watch. "And because it's pretty."

"It sounds stupid," said Kisame.

"See!" shouted Hannah as she struggled against Tobi's iron-like grasp. "Kisame agrees with me! _Mama Mia_ is the stupidest movie ever!"

"Tobi likes it!"

Hannah wrenched herself out of his arms and sprinted away. "Freedom!" And then she walked into Zetsu, and, as we all know, there's not freeing Hannah from Zetsu's trap.

After watching a few minutes of Hannah's attempts to get away from Zetsu, we all returned to watching the movie.

"Which one's her father?" asked Deidara excitedly (at least someone besides Tobi and me was enjoying the movie).

"It's a surprise," I told him. "That's what makes movies so fun."

"Hn…" (This was Itachi speaking)

"Why doesn't she just kill them all?" asked Hidan. "Jashin-sama would welcome their deaths."

"Warg would too," said Dessie appreciatively. "Want to know what would make this movie amazing? If she killed the three daddies and then Jashin came down to claim their bodies. But so does Warg. Then we have a super awesome mega showdown between gods."

"Which Jashin-sama would win," said Hidan.

"Warg would win," corrected Dessie. "Warg's a badass."

"Jashin could wipe the floor with your made-up god."

Dessie snorted. "Jashin can't touch Warg. Warg is ten times the god Jashin will ever be."

"What did you say, bitch!"

Five people turned around to glare at Hidan and Dessie. "SHHHH!"

Deidara threw some popcorn that their heads and Leader snapped, "Take your love nest somewhere else. Some of us are trying to watch!"

"More like make out with Konan!" shouted back Dessie.

"I'll pretend I didn't here that."

Dessie snickered.

"Her fiancé is so hot!" wailed Sonia suddenly. "Don't you think, Dessie?"

At this, Dessie replied smugly, "My boyfriend's hotter."

"Hidan?" asked Sonia.

"No!" cried Dessie indignantly. "Itachi! Hottie! I'm dating Hottie, remember?"

"Hidan's hot too," pointed out Sonia and she turned around to wink sensually at Hidan. I swear, Hidan shuddered fearfully.

"Hidan's about as hot as a baboon's ass," replied Dessie.

"Why don't you all shut up and let me watch the movie!" shouted Deidara angrily. "I want to see who's the bitch's dad and you're all yapping about how hot _Hidan_ is! Whether he's a satanic sex god or a butt-ugly ogre – I don't care! One more word out of any of you and I will blow your ass to hell and back!"

"Hear! Hear!" shouted Damon.

Silence filled the room and everyone returned to the movie. A good twenty minutes passed by in dead silence while we watched and then, suddenly, from out of the dark Dessie screamed.

"What the hell are you doing, you pervert!"

"OW!"

Dessie leapt off the couch and Hidan tumbled to the floor clutching his stomach and coughing.

The lights flicked on and the movie passed as we all turned to see what was going on. Dessie stood above Hidan, her eyes flashing dangerously as he lay on the floor pitifully.

"Shit! It wasn't me…" gasped Hidan. "Kisame made me put my arm around you…"

Everyone turned to stare at Kisame who looked suspiciously innocent as he stood behind the couch where Hidan and Dessie had been sitting prior to the incident.

"The Love Guru never fails," said Kisame stubbornly.

"Fuck!" shouted Dessie and, before anyone could stop her, she punched the TV screen.

The screen cracked and shattered under the weight of her fist and her whole hand was stuck inside the broken screen. A few sparks flew, but nothing electrocuted her and she stood there, glowering at Kisame.

"I – am – dating – the – Hottie. Get – it – through – your – thick – skull – asshole."

Kisame opened his mouth to reply –

BANG!

"You bitches!" screamed Deidara, jumping up from his seat. "I didn't get to find out who her daddy is! I'm going to kill you all! I'm going to murder you!"

Dessie and Kisame screamed in unison and, before anyone could stop them, they ran out of the room and down the hall with Deidara chasing after them. Rule Number Thirty-Two: Don't let the Akatsuki watch chick flicks – Kisame likes to make up kinky scenes in the dark and Deidara gets too excited.

Now that the movie was brought to a sudden end, everyone else sat in silence, staring at the broken TV screen in horror. Then, slowly, Itachi got up from his seat, stretched and said, "It was a stupid movie anyways."

"Got that right," said Hannah, who had finally managed to untangle herself from Zetsu in the shock of the explosion.

Kakuzu nodded. "Who's up for some poker?"

"Oh, that sounds fun."

I sighed heavily and rose from my seat on the couch. "Remind me never to suggest movie night again."

"I told you so."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: YAY! A totally unplot related chapter, but extremely fun to write. DessieHidan action, some TobiHannahZetsu action... What's not to love? I guess, even though Kate's the narrator, she did't get much to do. Oh well. And Raymond was a complete spur-of-the-moment character, so if he's crap, I apologize. Ohhhh well. If you don't review Raymond will find you in the night and kill you with lame pickup lines that I found online! mwahahahahahaha!  
><strong>


	33. Meet the Family

**Chapter Thirty-Three: Meet the Family**

**_Rule Number Thirty-Three: Never take Deidara home to meet the family. He's not the type of guy parents like…_**

**Hannah**

"You know, we really don't have to do this!" I called out; hoping that by some miracle Dessie would turn the car around and drive us back home.

Not taking her eyes of the road like the good driver she is (Dessie wouldn't dare hurt her precious Maren), she said, "No, Hannah, we're going. We've been to my house, we've met Kate parents, and now we're going to meet yours. End of story. No arguing. No 'but's."

"But I don't _need_ to see them," I said glumly. "They're the ones that moved an hour north of East Fell – obviously they don't want to see me. We can go home."

Dessie ignored me, which didn't surprise me one bit. Instead, the car ride continued in silence. I sat sandwiched in the back of the car between Itachi and Deidara, with Leader in the front next to Dessie. Leader seemed intent upon learning how to drive the automobile and he watched Dessie's every move carefully. Itachi was staring out the window quietly (as Itachi often does) and Deidara was busy making another clay sculpture.

"If you so much as make a scratch in Maren or any of my cars, I will not hesitate to kill you," Dessie warned Deidara.

He shrugged and continued working on what appeared to be a type of monkey

We were driving through the suburbs now, passing neatly trimmed houses in the early march weather. Dessie slowed the car to a halt as we reached one pale yellow house with a married couple working out in the yard. Slowly, I pressed my face to the window and stared at them silently.

"The woman looks like you," said Itachi stiffly.

"Only much older," added Deidara, peering over my shoulder. "Is that what you're going to look like in twenty years time?"

I ignored both of them and then, slowly, I grasped the handle of the car door and pushed it open. Itachi got out first and I slipped out of the car after him. My feet touched the fresh grass growing beside the road and I stared across the lawn at the two people working in the garden.

The woman, as Deidara said, looked like an older version of me with the same long, straight brown hair and brown eyes. She was wearing three-quarter length jeans and a blue tank-top, both smeared with dirt and grass. She paused in her work to wipe the dirt off her forehead – and then froze.

She stared at me. I stared back. Neither one of us wanted to be the first to move.

The man, who had been watering the flowers, now stopped his work. "Louisa? What are y–" He caught sight of me as well.

"Hannah!"

My mother dropped what she was doing and sprinted across the yard to fling her dirt-stained arms around my neck, tears streaming down her face.

"Hannah! Hannah!" she wailed. "Hannah!"

I patted my mother's arms awkwardly, glancing at Dessie. She grinned at me encouragingly. Leader and Deidara had exited the car as well and stood beside Itachi, watching my family reunion silently.

My father had sprinted inside the house and was calling out to my step-sister. The two of them emerged from the house and came to join my mother in the task of hugging me to death.

"Where have you _been_!" asked my mother, finally letting me go. "What happened?"

"Er…" I glanced around awkwardly and, much to my surprise, Dessie step forward to answer that question.

"We were kidnapped by – er – some crazy criminal organization," she explained with a glance at Leader. "Then the Akatsuki – a _peaceful_ group – saved us and now we're back." Dessie smiled innocently.

My mother clutched my arm and stared at the Akatsuki members standing beside Dessie. "And who are _they_?"

"This is Leader," said Dessie, jerking a thumb in the direction of the orange-haired, punk-styled man who stood beside her. "He's in charge of the Akatsuki."

I realize that with all his gothic style, Leader probably did not look like the type of hero who would rescue teenage girls from insane criminal organizations – in fact, Leader looked more like the type to be in the insane criminal organizations… oh wait, he is…

"How do you do…_Leader_?" asked my mother awkwardly. "What's you name?"

Dessie and I glanced at one another and, for the first time, it occurred to me that I had no idea what Leader's real name was. Everyone just called him 'Leader'.

"Um…er…" Dessie glanced at Leader for help.

"Pein," he said. "My name is Pein."

"Urg…"

It would have been better if he'd simply said he didn't have a name. My mother looked ready to scream or barf or flee…or maybe all three at once.

"Anyways," said Dessie loudly. "This is Itachi."

There was something funny about how she said Itachi's name. There was none of the excited "Hottie" squeal to it, but more of a deep, pensive tone. And, if you know Dessie like I do, deep and pensive almost never describe her.

"And this," said Dessie, thumping the blond fur ball on the shoulder. "Is Deidara."

"Where's Kate?" asked my father.

"She's at home with the rest of the Akatsuki," explained Dessie hurriedly. "Doing touristy things… The Akatsuki aren't from around here, you know."

There was a pause. My step-sister, Johanna, was eyeing Itachi with curiosity, while my mother clutched my hand tightly and kept sending suspicious glances in the direction of Leader. Only my step-father, Eddie, seemed completely at ease.

"We were about to have lunch," he said happily to the Akatsuki. "Would you like to join us?"

So, we all filed inside and crowded around the table while my mother and father stumbled about the kitchen trying to find enough food for all of us. For several minutes, Itachi, Deidara, Leader, Dessie, Johanna, and I sat silently at the dining room table, unsure what to do or say. Then, Johanna decided to be the ice breaker.

"How old are you, Itachi?"

"Hn…"

"He's twenty-five," lied Dessie (we know for a fact that Itachi had just turned twenty-one).

"He can answer for himself," snapped Johanna irritably. Then she turned back to Itachi and said, "Where are you from?"

Thank Warg Itachi is not stupid. If it had been anyone else besides him, they would have answered truthfully. However, Itachi stared at Johanna for a long moment and then said dully, "Not from around here."

"And where is that?"

"No where you would know of."

Johanna frowned and Dessie snickered. I almost would have said that Itachi almost looked pleased with himself, but I knew Itachi better than that.

Johanna decided to turn her attentions to Deidara (the second hottie in the room) and asked, "So how old are you?"

"Nineteen," said Deidara before Dessie could stop him.

"Aren't you a little young to be a member of a peace group?" asked Johanna.

Deidara grinned and stuck his tongue out. "I'm a million years ahead of you, b–"

Before Deidara could finish his sentence, the door to the dining opened and my father came in carrying a huge plate of hotdogs and my mother followed with a bowl of salad. It took three more trips to get all the food and dressing and drinks onto the table; then, we all sat down to eat.

"So, _Pein_," said my mother. "What exactly does the Akatsuki organization do?"

"Get rich and aim for world domination," replied Leader boredly as he tried a hotdog. "Wow. What is in this ling, meaty piece of crap?"

"Meat and crap," said Dessie, grabbing her own hotdog. "It's amazing isn't it?"

Leader nodded excitedly. "We should have a hotdog party sometime."

"Remember what happened the last time we had a party," I reminded him.

My mother, however, had her mind still set on the Akatsuki. "World domination? Why do you want world domination?"

"Relax, Louisa," said my father as his dished up some salad. "He was kidding. I'm sure he doesn't like being drilled with questions all the time." Then, suddenly, he turned to face Dessie and asked, "So which one of the Akatsuki is the hottest?"

Dessie choked on her hotdog.

"Eddie!" gasped my mother. "They're all far too old for her!"

Dad shrugged. "Like that's ever stopped Dessie." And, while Dessie was recuperating from the hotdog, he asked me, "What about you, Hannah? Who's your boyfriend?"

"They're all freaks," I said dryly.

"Even your husband?" asked Leader, smirking.

Both my mother and father froze, turning to stare at Leader in surprise.

"What?"

"Didn't Hannah tell you?" asked Leader nonchalantly. "We all got drunk and then next morning woke up to find Hannah and Zetsu were married. No worries though, no one honors their marriage vows – except maybe Zetsu."

"He's kidding!" I cried out. "Kidding…"

"That's right," said Dad cheerfully. "Hannah's still at the stage where guys have cooties."

My mother looked less convinced.

"So," said Johanna, between bites of hotdog. "What exactly happened to you when you disappeared?"

And awkward silence filled the room as the unapproachable question was asked. Thankfully, Dessie was more than happy to answer that question for me.  
>"Some crazy-ass terrorists were on the run from the FBI," explained Dessie. "And they came into your old house and took us as bargaining chips. We went to their hideout in a secret location and they kept us there as prisoners for a while. Then, the Akatsuki came to save us – promoting peace all the way – and now we're back."<p>

"Oh…"

"That's nice," said Dad.

We finished the last of the hotdogs in silence, and then, Leader rose from the table to stretch. He looked around at my family and said, rather grandly, "It was nice to meet you, Eddie, Louisa, Johanna – however, we must be going now."

"You're right," said Dessie, getting to her feet. "I don't trust the Akatsuki not to burn my house down."

Deidara, Itachi, and I rose from our places at the table and began to say our good-byes. Immediately, my mother grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down into my seat, crying, "Where are you going!"

"Back," I said.

"You're staying with us! You've been gone for so long! You can't leave! You can't!"

"Mom," I said steadily. "I have more important things to do right now." (like saving the world from the presence of the criminally insane Akatsuki)

"You're staying! You're not going anywhere with these freaks! You're staying with us and going to college and you'll have a happy, normal and safe life!"

I tried to break my mom's grasp, but she held on tight, her fingernails digging into my skin.

"Mrs. Louisa," said Dessie, trying to stop my mother. "We have to go…"

"You're not taking my daughter away from me again!"

BANG!

One moment we were having the usual mother-loves-daughter argument and then – with a fiery explosion that echoed throughout the halls of the house – Deidara let off his new bomb.

Rule Number Thirty-Three: Never, ever take Deidara to meet the family – parents don't like "bang"s.

My mother screamed and let go of me, trying to cover her face as the flames danced around her. Dad grabbed hold of Johanna and the two of them sprinted outside, trying to avoid the debris from the explosion. I opened my eyes and squinted through the flames to see Itachi carrying my mother out of the house with Leader and Dessie close behind. Deidara grabbed my wrist and dragged me outside onto the half-burn lawn that my parents had worked so hard on.

"Deidara!" I screamed, the moment we were outside. "You psychopathic pyromaniac!"

"What?" asked Deidara, equally as angry. "She wasn't letting go!"

"I could have dealt with it!"

My mother was screaming as she lay on the lawn. She sat up, thankfully not injured, and rounded on Deidara.

"You terrorist! You terrorist! You blew up my house! Hannah get away from him!"

"Art is a BANG!" shouted Deidara.

"No one's injured," said Dessie helpfully.

Deidara, my mother, and I whipped around to shout "SHUT UP!" at Dessie and then returned to our argument.

"I'm calling the cops!" screamed my mother. "You crazy terrorist, stay away from my Hannah!"

"Make me!" snapped Deidara and he pulled me into a rather violent embrace.

"You–"

We never got to find out exactly what my mother thought of Deidara, because at that moment the fire from Deidara's explosion met the gas stove and the house went Ka-boom!

"What the hell…" murmured Dessie

I stared.

A piece of the roof – or I thought it was the roof – was falling through the sky.

Down…

Down…

"Hannah, look out!"

Black.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hmmm... okay chapter. It's the beginning of another arc, you see. Thank you FrenzyVammi for the plot of the next arc! NOTICE: if anyone has any arc ideas to suggest, please do. AND REVIEW PEOPLE! REVIEW! THE ENTIRE AKATSUKI GAZES UPON YOU WITH PUPPY DOG EYES AND BEGS YOU TO REVIEW! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!  
><strong>


	34. Here We Go

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Here We Go**

**_Rule Number Thirty-Four: Sometimes there is no stopping the violent nature of the Akatsuki – just go along with it, or you might find your guts splattered on the floor instead of you enemies._**

**Dessie**

All of us – the Akatsuki, Damon, Sonia, Kate, and me – crowded around Hannah's bed nervously. After she had been knocked unconscious by the debris from Deidara's explosion, Itachi had picked her up off the ground and carried her to the car. I swear Maren and I broke all speed limits on the way back to the mansion.

"There seems to be no major head trauma," said Kakuzu after he finished examining her skull (we figured after being able to successfully operate on himself and gain four extra hearts, Kakuzu was the only one close to being a doctor).

"She'll be alright though…" said Kate nervously.

"Probably."

"This is all Deidara's fault," muttered Damon angrily. "Did he have to blow up the house?"

"The stupid wench wasn't letting Hannah go," snapped Deidara. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"Er… reason it out like a _normal person_!"

"Damon," Kate said. "This is the Akatsuki you're talking to – they aren't normal. In fact, I think it would be less normal if Deidara hadn't blown up the house…"

"There's nothing to do," said Kakuzu. "But wait."

Silence fell about the bed as we all turned to stare at Hannah. Tobi was weeping quietly in the corner:

"Tobi misses his nunu! Tobi wants his nunu back! Why won't nunu wake up!" His one visible eye rounded on Deidara and he wailed, "Why did Deidara-senpai hurt Hannah-Nunu!"

"Shut up, moron," snapped Deidara angrily.

Zetsu shifted uncomfortably and cornered expression across his face. I felt an unnatural wave of jealousy towards Hannah. If she didn't get through this, at least Hannah would die loved.

"Itachi," I said suddenly.

All heads turned to face me, including Itachi. As always, his beautiful face was stern and emotionless. I stared at him for a minute and then said, "Itachi, I want to break up."

…

Deidara: WHAT!

Itachi: Hn…

Kate: It's a lie!

Tobi: Tobi's proud of Dessie-Nunu!

Leader: I think I'm having hearing issues

Konan: I think we all are…

Kisame: Did the Love Guru fail?

Kakuzu: Shut up around the patient.

Hidan: Hell, yeah!

Zetsu: You were dating?

I chose to ignore them and carried on with my little break up speech. "Itachi, some times it feels as though I am the only one committed to this relationship and it causes me more heartbreak than I can bear with. Even though I still have feel for you and your face, I think it's best we go out separate ways."

Itachi shrugged. "Hn."

I scowled. "You could at least act a little heartbroken."

"This day doesn't make any sense," wailed Kate. "Dessie just broke up with a hottie – is the world coming to an end!"

Kisame patted her shoulder comfortingly. "It could be worse – Itachi could have actually cared."

"You're all idiots!" I shouted, slamming my fist against the bed post. "Is one of you at least feeling sorry for me! I just broke up with my boyfriend!"

"It's because of me, isn't it," said Hidan. "I do have to admit, I am incredibly awesome."

"Shut up, Zombie Whore."

"Hey! Everyone!" cried Deidara excited. "Hannah's awake!"

Immediately, all attention disappeared from my current break up as we all turned to stare at the bed. Hannah's brown eyes were now open and she stared up at the ceiling confusedly.

"W-where am I?" she asked.

"At my house," I told her. "How're you feeling?"

Hannah stared at me blankly. "Who are you?"

"Eh?"

Slowly, Hannah sat up in the bed and looked around the room at all the faces staring at her confusedly. "Who are all of you…?" Then, suddenly, her eyes caught on Deidara and, before anyone knew exactly what was going on; she threw her arms around his neck and wailed at the top of her lungs: "Dei-Dei!"

"What!"

Deidara looked as flabbergasted as the rest of us felt.

"What's going on here?" asked Leader. "Why are they touching? Since when does Hannah voluntarily touch Deidara? Isn't there usually a frying pan between them?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Hannah, her arms still fixed around Deidara's neck. "Deidara's mu hubby."

"EH?"

We all stared at the two of them – an extremely content looking Hannah and an extremely flustered Deidara.

"When did the two of you get married?" asked Kate carefully.

"Three years ago," said Hannah cheerfully. Then, suddenly she caught sight of Tobi and released Deidara to embrace Tobi warmly. "My baby!" she wailed and kissed the top of his head rather enthusiastically.

Tobi giggled and hugged her back. "Hannah-Nunu! Tobi loves you too!"

"Aren't you married to Deidara?" asked Konan.

"Of course!" cried Hannah, smiling indulgently at Tobi. "This is our son."

Silence.

"Whoa!" cried Deidara, pulling Hannah away from Tobi. "I can live with being your husband, but no way in hell are we having _Tobi _for a kid!"

"Don't say that in front of him!" shrieked Hannah, covering Tobi's ears. "Can you imagine the kind of mental damage that can do to someone his age? You ought to be a lot kinder to your sin, Dei-Dei!"

"He's not my son!" shouted Deidara angrily.

"You can always sell him," recommended Kakuzu.

"My poor baby…" cooed Hannah and she proceeded to pet Tobi's hair gently.

"This world isn't making any sense," cried Kate. "First, Dessie dumps Itachi – the original hottie – and now Hannah claims she's married to Deidara and Tobi's there son! I don't get it!"

Kisame patted her head. "Don't strain yourself to understand the incomprehensible."

"I feel bad for Zetsu though," said Konan thoughtfully. "Hannah completely forgot they were married."

We all turned to look at Zetsu, who, truth be told, seemed almost ready to cry. But before anyone could comfort the giant man-eating plant, the door of the room flew open and Ms. Wendy came rushing in. She glanced around at all of us, catching her breath, and then cried, "The cops are coming!"

"What?"

Ms. Wendy glanced at me and continued. "On the news… Hannah's parents keep ranting on about terrorist bombers with Dessie… and now cops are coming to the mansion – it's on the news!"

"This day just doesn't end…" muttered Itachi.

"Well," I said grimly. "No time to think. Deidara, grab your wife. Kate, Damon, and I will drive."

"Why can't I drive?" asked Sonia.

"Shut up," I snapped. "Damon, you'll take Roland – he can fit five so take Hannah and Deidara…Kisame and Itachi…"

"Tobi!" cried Hannah, reaching out her arms towards her "son".

"Fine…er…Hannah, Deidara, Kisame, and Tobi, then. Kate, you can drive Ajay, with Zetsu, Sonia, Leader, and Konan… And then I'll take Maren with Hidan, Kakuzu, and – er – Itachi…"

"Where are we going?" asked Damon confusedly.

"To Hannah's old house."

* * *

><p>Have you ever been in a car with a psychotic doctor, your ex-boyfriend, and the guy who may-or-may-not like you with the cops chasing after you? If not, never try it. If so, you'll know what I mean when I say – <em>it is hell<em>. I would give anything to get out of this situation.

I was driving with Kakuzu in the front seat next to me. Hidan and Itachi were sitting in the back with Hidan screaming, "Ya-hoo!" at the top of his lungs every few seconds.

"Will you shut up already!" I screamed as we zoomed through a red light.

"But I'm having so much fun!" shouted Hidan. "Can we pull over?"

"The cops are after us, you moron!"

"I know! That's what makes it so much fun! Jashin-sama will be appeased with their blood running through the streets – _Ya-hoo_!" And then, much to my horror, Hidan discovered how to roll down the windows. He stuck his head outside the car and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Take that you pricks! You can never catch us in this baby! Go to hell all you bitches!"

I pressed the button on my door and watched as the automatic window rolled up on Hidan's head.

"What are you doing, bitch!" cried Hidan as the glass pushed against his throat.

"I told you to shut up, didn't I!"

"Bitch!"

"Shut up!"

I rolled down the window far enough for Hidan to pull his head back in and then I closed the window. We continued to drive in silence for a second and then, suddenly, both Hidan and I started cracking up with laughter.

"They're all insane…" muttered Kakuzu.

"Hn…"

We pulled into the driveway of Hannah's old house and leapt out of the car, not bothering to lock her. As we ran inside the house, I looked over my shoulder at the cops and screamed, "If you so much as get a scratch on any of my cars, I'll murder you all alive!"

Damon and Kate pulled their cars up into the driveway and sprinted into the house after the rest of us. The lights were out and we raced about, searching for the blue orb that would take us home. The door clicked as the cops entered the house and we all froze.

"Can I kill them?" asked Hidan.

"That's not recommended," I muttered.

Leader, however, took a different route. "Kill them all."

Kate buried her face in her hands and Hannah clung onto Deidara's sleeve, begging him not to.

"You might get hurt!" she wept.

"I'm a badass shinobi, wifey," snapped Deidara. "I can handle some puny policemen."

Hannah still looked unconvinced, but she let Deidara and Tobi go.

I grabbed hold of her and Kate's wrist and dragged them deeper into the house to find the blue orb, Damon and Sonia came chasing after us. Behind us, I heard the swish of a blade – good-bye cop number one…

Rule Number Thirty-Four: Sometimes there's not stopping the violent nature of the Akatsuki – just go along with it or you might find your guts splattered on the floor instead of your enemies.

The five of us found ourselves in backroom where we had been spending the night that time we had been transported to the Akatsuki hideout. We glanced around nervously and then began checking all the cupboards for the blue orb. A glimmer of light filled the room and we spun around to see, floating the far corner, an orb identical to the one Kate had found in the basement of the Akatsuki hideout.

"Get the Akatsuki," I commanded them. Sonia and Damon remained behind to keep and eye on the orb, while Kate, Hannah, and I raced back to get the Akatsuki.

We parted ways at the stairs, and I headed up, checking to make sure no one had wandered up there during the fights. Of course, someone had, and that someone just happened to be Itachi Uchiha.

"Itachi!" I screamed, trying to capture his attention.

Of course he didn't here me; he was too preoccupied with trying to avoid the cops' guns.

"Itachi!" I yelled again.

Still no response.

"Hottie!"

_That_ got his attention. Itachi spun around and saw me, dodging yet another bullet just in time.

"Let's go!"

Without a single glance in the cops' direction, Itachi leapt over the railing and landed with a heavy thud on the first floor (of course, Itachi was far too cool for stairs). I raced after him and the two of us headed to the backroom where Kate and Hannah had already gathered the rest of the Akatsuki.

"Time to go?" asked Kakuzu.

"Yep."

"Here we go…" murmured Kisame as he leapt, head first into the blue orb.

"Me next!" cried Tobi excitedly as he followed Kisame.

Then went a grumbled Kakuzu… and Deidara and Hannah together (Hannah said she couldn't do it alone) followed by Zetsu who felt sworn to protect Hannah. Then Itachi jumped in, without a moment's hesitation, and after him, Leader and Konan. Damon and Sonia held hands and stepped inside the glowing light, which left Hidan, Kate, and I standing on the edge of the orb.

"See you on the other side," said Kate and she stepped in.

"Are you going to hold hands with me?" asked Hidan, grinning and offering me his hand.

"Shut the hell up, asshole," I said and pushed him in.

Then, with a glance over my shoulder at the chaos and bloodshed we left behind, I jumped after him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hehehe hehehe...hehehehehehe... I was so happy with the number of reviews I got! They filled me with a bubble of happiness and I decided to update quickly - unfortunately for you, this one ends on a cliff hanger too. Oh well, I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and I hope you had fun reading - REVIEW! more reviews = faster updates! = happy readers! There is no flaw in this logic! Reviewing will make you happy! The Akatsuki say so - so review!  
><strong>


	35. Leader Malfunction

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Leader Malfunction **

**_Rule Number Thirty-Five: Even Leader has his weaknesses. _**

**Kate**

Hello, dear readers, I haven't talked to you in awhile, so I will begin this chapter with a "hello and welcome to my head" – not that you'd want to be in my head right now. You see, currently, I have an ear-splitting headache from here to Jupiter (and that includes inter dimensional travel).

After jumping into the blue orb, everything went dark, and then, next thing I know, I am waking up with a hellish headache and lying on a familiar floor.

I sat up and looked around, only to realize that I was, in fact, back in the Akatsuki hideout. I was lying on the floor outside of Deidara and Tobi's room. Slowly, I got to my feet and staggered down the hallways looking for someone.

"Dessie? Hannah?" I called out tentatively. "Konan? Kisame?"

"Kate?"

My heart soared as I spun around to see another life form at the hideout. Kisame stood behind me, rubbing his forehead and looking around dizzily. Apparently I wasn't the only one with a massive headache.

"You got back too," I said.

"Mostly – I think I left part of my head back in your world."

I made a face. "Me too."

"What are all you idiots gabbing about?" asked Kakuzu irritably as he emerged from the bathroom.

"Needed to go pretty badly, huh," said Kisame, glancing back at the toilet behind Kakuzu.

"You sick prick," muttered Kakuzu. "The blue orb dumped me in there – where'd you end up?"

"Konan's bed," said Kisame cheerfully.

"Leader will be jealous…" I muttered.

The door from the kitchen opened and Leader stepped out, looking at us all confusedly. "Why am I jealous?"

"Kisame spent the night in Konan's bed," said Kakuzu, a little too cheerfully.

"Konan wasn't in it!" cried Kisame, covering his face.

"Where is Konan?" asked Leader nervously.

"We can go look," I said quickly. The four of us began searching throughout the hideout, but after awhile, we realized that Konan – or any of the others weren't to be seen.

The four of us regrouped back in the meeting room and, as we stood around the main table, Leader was in sorry shape. He was beginning to have a melt down, his hands were shaking violently and his face was deathly pale.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"O-okay?" stammered Leader, his right eye twitching a little. "Why w-w-wouldn't I b-b-be o-okay? Everything is j-j-just fine…"

"He's lost it," muttered Kakuzu so that Leader couldn't hear him.

"It just means that the orb dumped everyone else in different parts of the world," I explained soothingly. "Nothing severe, I'm sure."

Leader's eye stop twitching at least, but now his leg began shaking violently and his foot thumped against the floor in a nervous heartbeat.

"This is kind of funny," said Kisame.

"Shut up," I snapped, hitting him, rather lightly, on the shoulder.

"You call that a hit?" said Kisame with a laugh. "How are you friends with Dessie if that's as hard as you can hit?"

"That's the point," I murmured. "With Dessie around, I don't need to know how to hit hard."

"F-f-f-focus," stammered Leader. "W-w-we have a s-s-situation on our hands…" His mouth started jerking up at the corners in a sort of sick grimace – then his eyes twitch again and I couldn't help but think that a man in a straight jacket was more mentally stable than Leader at the moment.

"This is getting us no where," said Kakuzu. "I don't see why we need to find the other at all – losing them really is no big loss."

"I think losing Konan is a big loss," I muttered, glancing in Leader's direction. "And I don't think it's nice to inflict people like Dessie on the world."

"That is true," said Kisame thoughtfully. "Or Hidan…or Deidara…or Tobi – I feel sorry for the poor sap that wakes up to find Tobi on the doormat – or any of the Akatsuki for that matter."

"It'd be amusing though," said Kakuzu thoughfully.

"C-c-can w-w-we get back to d-d-discussing f-f-f-finding them?" stammered Leader.

Any replies of ours were interrupted by the sound of a door opening. We all turned in the direction of the main entrance to the hideout and listened to echo of footsteps through the halls.

"Maybe it's Konan," I told Leader encouragingly.

"Or maybe it's Tobi," muttered Kakuzu.

"Or maybe it's an Akatsuki enemy come to kill us all," added Kisame rather cheerfully.

The door of the Meeting Room slid open and we all head our breath, wondering who it could be. Then, the black-haired, red-eyed Itachi Uchiha stepped into the room and looked around with a bored expression plastered across his face.

"Hey, Itachi," said Kisame, slinging an arm around Itachi's shoulders. "Good to have you back – we were worried you'd be Tobi or someone just as awful."

"Hn…"

"K-K-K-K…" stammered Leader weakly. He drooped over the table and lay there, his arms splayed about his head in a desperate position.

Itachi eyed Leader confusedly and Kakuzu quickly filled him in. "We don't know where Konan is, so Leader's having a little malfunction at the moment."

"Hn."

"Why don't we go find everyone?" I asked, patting Leader's head gently. "They can't have gone too far and the Akatsuki are hardly…inconspicuous."

"Y-y-y-yes…" Leader was deflating very slowly as I patted his head.

"We should split up into two groups…" said Kisame. "Itachi and…"

"I want Itachi," said Kakuzu, grabbing hold of Itachi's arm. He eyed the whimpering form of Leader reproachfully and then added, "Kisame and Kate can go with Leader."

"Cheater," muttered Kisame, but he agreed.

So, half an hour later, Kisame and I departed, carrying the malfunctioning Leader on our shoulders since it seemed that now he was incapable of walking without the presence of Konan nearby. Rule Number Thirty-Five: Never separate Leader and Konan – even Leader has his weaknesses.

* * *

><p>After about a day of walking and piggy-backing Leader, Kisame collapsed at a nearby inn declaring that he couldn't carry Leader another step. So, we paid for room-and-board for a night at the inn (good thing Kakuzu wasn't here) and, around dinner time, we headed down to the restaurant.<p>

"Where do you think they'll be?" asked Kisame. "Land of Fire? Land of Water? Land of Sound? Land of Earth? Land of Lightning?"

"What about Konoha?" I asked. "That seems like a reasonable place to start…"

"You're just saying that because it's the only place you know…"

I shrugged. "Do we have any where else to begin?"

"No…"

"Then let's start there."

Kisame grinned, but his reply was cut short with the arrival of our waitress.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked sweetly. "Water? Sake?"

"Sake!" cried Kisame excitedly. "For all three of us!" He thumped Leader on the back and added, "This guy could use a pick-me-up."

"Girlfriend issues?" asked the waitress understandingly.

"She's n-n-not my g-g-girlfriend," stammered Leader, but everyone chose to ignore him. The waitress left to get some sake and soon she returned with multiple bottles.

"Have fun boys – and girl," she added the last part with a wink in my direction. And then, she left.

Kisame handed both Leader and me a bottle each and then he proceeded to chug down his. Leader seemed just as willing to indulge himself and soon, I found myself drinking deeply too. After only the first bottle, I began to feel a little light headed, and just as I finished my first, Kisame finished his second.

"This is the stuff," said Kisame cheerfully. He glanced at me and grinned. "You don't get drunk much, Katie."

"Kate," I corrected him. "And no, I don't. Dessie planned to go to wild parties and get drunk often once we were in college, but, of course, we never made it to college…"

"Blaaaaaaaaah," said Kisame, sticking his tongue out me and going for another bottle of sake. "School is for dummies. Become badass like me and you'll never have to go to school again."

I took a sip of my second bottle and said, "I'd fail at being badass."

"It's not hard," said Kisame between gulps of sake. "You just have to make a face and go – GRRRRRR!" Kisame growled at me and – to his credit – he looked quite terrifying. "Now you try it."

After a hesitant pause, I took a long gulp of sake and then screwed up my face and growled. "Grrrrrrr!"

Kisame laughed.

"Was it that bad?" I asked. "I thought I did pretty good."

"Pull your lips back more," explained Kisame and he demonstrated, revealing all of his pointy-shark teeth. "And then keep your eyes open – more menace that way – and go _GRRRRRR_!"

"Grrrrr!"

He laughed even harder this time. "No good… no good… I guess you're just too cute and harmless to be a scary badass criminal. Maybe school is the best option for you after all."

I took another swing of alcohol and said, rather grumpily, "I could be badass if I tried."

"Nope," said Kisame, shaking his head.

"Dessie and Hannah are badasses – why can't I be one?"

"Dessie is the Violent Stalker Bitch Badass and Hannah is the Ice Cold Badass – you, you're just cute." And suddenly, without warning, Kisame spread out his arms and enveloped me in a warm, but somewhat fishy, hug. "Like a fluffy teddy bear!"

Just then, the waitress walked by carrying several bottles of sake. Kisame let go of me, allowing me to drop, butt-first, onto the floor. He chased after her, begging for more sake. I got up, rubbing my wounded ass, and sat back down to turn my attention to the very, very drunk Leader.

"How're you holding up?" I asked him.

Leader looked at me through drowsy eyes and said, "You know, I always liked you best out of the three…"

"Really?" I asked. "I always thought everyone liked Hannah and Dessie better."

"They do."

"Oh… That's really comforting…" I mumbled.

"But I like you best – and so does Konan. She thinks you're cute…"

"People seem to say that about me a lot when they're drunk…" I glanced over at Kisame, who was now chasing after pretty women trying to peek up their skirts. "Dear Warg, he's a pervert…"

"Konan!" wailed Leader, completely unaware of what Kisame was doing. "My darling, beautiful Konan… Where could she be… Oh where could she be…?" Leader caught sight of me and reached across the table to grab hold of me by the shirt collar. He lifted me off the ground and practically hauled me across the table until my face was inches from his. "Do you know where my precious Konan is! Do you! Tell me!"

"What do you think you're doing to my teddy bear?"

Kisame appeared behind Leader, his blue-face looking rather deadly at the moment.

"Where is my Konan?" asked Leader angrily, round on Kisame. "Do you know! Where is she!"

SLAM!

Kisame grabbed hold of the back of leader's neck and slammed Leader's head against the table top. Leader's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he toppled to the floor and fell asleep. A think drip of blood trickled down Leader's forehead.

"Er…is he okay?" I asked.

"He's fine," said Kisame casually. He sat down on the table top next to me and surveyed the room somberly. "In the Akatsuki things like that are child's play."

"Of course…" I glanced around nervously. "You like being in the Akatsuki…"

Kisame grinned. "Obviously." He leaned towards me, still smirking maliciously. "When you're a badass criminal, no one cares when you do perverted things – because you're already evil."

"Perverted…things…?"

Kisame nodded. "I can even chase after much younger girls and no one will care."

I slid off the table and started edging away from Kisame. "What are you saying?"

Kisame hopped off the table too and started following me around the room. He raised his two hands above his head and made little talking mouths with them. "I'm hungry, little girl. Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom!"

I screamed and ran away. Unfortunately for me, Kisame thought it'd be funny to chase after me, and the two of us sprinted around the restaurant, knocking over trays and table in the desperate chase. Finally, the chase ended when the waitress grabbed a broom out of the cupboard and whacked Kisame over the head with it. He collapsed on the floor next to Leader and the waitress and I stood over their bodies gasping for breath.

"Well," she said. "I have to admit. You are some of the most entertaining drunks I have ever seen."

"Great…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, I was bored today and decided to rewatch all the episodes with Hidan in them - it made me so depressed! Shikamaru has totally been dropped from my top ten list! Hidan! My beloved Hidan! How dare Shikamaru harm him! I don't even get to see Hidan in the recent episodes, because he can't die - waaaaaaah! Anyways, on a happier note, I would like to announce 300 reviews! YAY! 300 REVIEWS! And, if I may add, I love you all very much. You all are amazing and your time is very much appreciated. I give you all cookies - in fact, the Akatsuki member of your choice will give you a virtual cookie (whether their willing or not). So PLEASE REVIEW! Thank you all for being amazing!  
><strong>


	36. A Bed to Share

**Chapter Thirty-Six: A Bed to Share**

**_Rule Number Thirty-Six: Avoid the Hyuuga – they're bad tempered and, with their iris-less eyes, kind of creepy._**

**Hannah**

I am in a very, very, very comfortable bed right now… The mattress is so squishy and soft, and the pillow is so warm… And there is a body next to me… It gives of heat and when I hug it the chest is so muscular… Is Dei-Dei in bed with me? Dei-Dei is so warm… I love you Dei-Dei…

"What the hell is she doing in my bed!"

This is not Dei-Dei.

The guy who I am hugging in bed is not my hubby.

I open my eyes and see a young man with long black-brown hair and pale purple eyes staring down at me. His eyes have no irises. He is extremely scary. Dei-Dei and Tobi are no where in sight. There is something very wrong with this picture.

I screamed.

"Dei-Dei! I am not cheating on you!" I leapt from the bed and sprinted towards the exit, but the man-who-is-not-Deidara grabbed me back the back of my shirt and pulled me back beside him.

"Who are you?" he asked. "And how did you get into my bed?"

"I don't know!" I wailed. "Where is Dei-Dei and Tobi?"

"Who the hell us Dei-Dei and Tobi?"

I sniffled and wiped the tears from my eyes. "Where am I? Who are you?"

Suddenly, Neji froze and stared at me with a sudden recognition. "I know you… You're Hannah… You're friends with that psychopathic girl who screams hottie all the time."

I squinted at him. "I don't know who you are…"

"Neji," he said. "My name is Neji. You met me in a restaurant with Gai-Sensei, Tenten and Lee… You were with your friend Dessie…"

"Who is Dessie? Who are all these people?"

Neji stared at me in confusion. "What are you talking about? Do you have the memory of a goldfish?"

Suddenly, the door to the room opened and a petite girl with long blue-black hair and purple eyes similar to that of Neji entered the room. She looked extremely nervous and kept fidgeting, refusing to look at me directly.

"Who is this, N-Neji?" she asked.

"Go back to bed, Hinata," said Neji.

She looked almost offended by his words and she quickly looked away. "Who is this girl?"

Neji gritted his teeth, irritated that she would not leave. "I woke up to find this girl in my bed."

Hinata's face turned bright red and she looked as though she were going to pass out at any minute. She stammered awkwardly, "Oh…Oh… You could be a little more… quiet… about _it_."

"No!" I cried, pushing Neji away and racing over to grab Hinata by the shoulders. "I have no such interests in Neji! I am married to Dei-Dei! I would never cheat on my beloved Dei-Dei! We have a child! We're happy! I would never do anything to jeopardize our perfect relationship! Don't ever imagine such relationships between Neji and me! I have only Dei-Dei in my heart!"

"Her personality has changed a lot since I last met her," said Neji thoughtfully.

Hinata looked scared to death. "D-D-D-Dei-Dei?"

"My husband!" I screamed. "Where is my hubby?"

There came the sounds of running footsteps down the hall, and, keeping a firm hold of Hinata, I turned to the door as if flew open and several men with pale-violet eyes appeared, all clamoring to get into the bedroom.

"Let go of Hinata-sama!" they screamed.

I glanced at the frightened girl whose shoulders I was now clutching rather violently. Then, I glanced up at the men in the room, who seemed desperate.

"Well," I said. "We find ourselves in a rather difficult situation." And then, I pulled a kunai out of Hinata's pocket and held it to her throat. "Nobody moves or I'll kill your precious Hinata-sama!"

Everyone froze.

"Good… er…"

I didn't really know what to do after that. I was holding Hinata hostage in a room full of angry shinobi…Now what? Improvising, I edged toward the window at the far side of the room and glanced down. The window was only the second story, which seemed like a great escape path to me, albeit a little dangerous, so, I pushed Hinata out onto the ledge, and followed her, still pressing the kunai to her throat.

"You'll rue the day you messed with the Hyuuga clan!" shouted one of the men.

I stared at him for a moment and then to Hinata before saying, "Yeah… I don't really know who any of you are, so your words have no meaning. See you around – not!"

And then Hinata and I jumped out of the window.

Rule Number Thirty-Five: Avoid the Hyuuga – they don't like it when you wake up in bed with them, particularly Neji.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry about the whole kidnapping thing."<p>

"Oh… It's not problem…"

Hinata and I were wandering about the streets of Konoha, avoiding the Hyuuga clan's shinobi and making sure that no one tried to arrest me any time soon. Hinata had calmed down about the whole kidnapping thing once I'd explained to her the situation. In fact, now, we were very nearly friends.

"So you don't remember who any of your friends are?" asked Hinata worriedly.

"Except Dei-Dei and Tobi," I explained. "Dei-Dei is my hubby and TObi is our son." I smiled happily. "My adorable Dei-Dei."

"Why can't we just blow the whole shitty city up!"

"Because someone we know might be in it and you might kill them," explained a familiar voice patiently.

I spun around at the mention of explosions and sure enough, I saw my beloved Deidara and the blue-haired Konan arguing on the side of the road. I let out a squeal of delight and, with Hinata trailing after me, I sprinted across the street to fling my arms around Deidara's neck.

"Dei-Dei!" I wailed. "I missed you so much!"

"Wha!" Deidara tried to push me off. "There is something mentally wrong with her since she got hit by the roof!"

"She's your problem now," said Konan. Instead, she turned to stare at Hinata suspiciously. "A Hyugga? Hannah, where did you pick up a Hyuuga?"

"I woke up in …er…" I hesitated and then, turned to Deidara with tears in my eyes. "I'm so sorry, Dei-Dei! I woke up in bed next to Neji Hyuuga! We didn't do anything though! It was the blue orb's fault! It was all the blue orb's fault! You're the only one for me, Dei-Dei!"

"She…er…loves him very much," said Hinata awkwardly.

"Loves him?" asked Konan. "Usually she hates him and beats him up with a frying pan… Though, if I may say so, he brought this upon himself. Zetsu is going to kill him though."

"Zetsu?"

"Hannah's real husband."

"I thought Hannah was married to Dei-Dei…"

Konan shrugged. "Hannah only thinks that – which is why Zetsu will be so upset. Maybe, if we're lucky, he'll kill Deidara – do us all a favor." Konan looked as though she was considering killing Deidara herself.

"Have you seen Tobi around?" I asked Deidara, still clinging to him desperately.

"Er…no. Why would I care?"

"He's our son!" I cried indignantly. "You should look after him!"

"He's older than both of us," muttered Deidara irritably. "He _can't _be our son."

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "Tobi's barely a child! Of course he's your son!"

Deidara opened his mouth to reply, but Konan stopped him. "Don't argue with the patient."

Deidara sighed and controlled his temper. "So we're back in this world, huh?"

"World?" asked Hinata curiously. We had all forgotten she was there, and now we turned to stare at her tentatively.

"Yeah…" explained Konan. "Hannah, Dessie, and Kate come from a different world. We travelled inter dimensionally again, didn't we." She looked around the streets suspiciously as if expecting someone to jump out at any random moment and scream "Surprise!" They didn't.

"This must not b good for the brain," muttered Deidara, rubbing his head. "I have a massive headache."

"I'm still confused…" said Hinata.

"Fine," snapped Deidara, angrily. "Let me give you a summary of events! First, these three bitches from another world wake up in the Akatsuki hideout – then, even though we tried to sell them to a brothel, they kept coming back, so we took them in. But one day we fell into a stupid blue orb that glowed and looked all magicky. And this orb took us to the girls' world where we saw all these strange and mythical things – and now we're back. End of story."

"Oh…"

"Very nice summary," said Konan, looking around rather boredly. "I wonder if anyone else came to Konoha…"

As if on cue, we heard an all too familiar shout.

"Hannah! Deidara! Konan! What's up?"

We all turned to see Sonia, with her long bubblegum-pink hair and brown eyes. She was waving excitedly at us with one arm and clinging tightly onto a blond haired brat with the other. We all stared at the blond-haired brat, not even acknowledging Sonia's wave (the exception was Hinata, who turned a brilliant shade of red and buried her face in his hands).

The blond haired brat stared back.

"You are…" said Konan slowly. "Naruto…"

Naruto, however, did not even glance at Konan, but kept his eyes fixed firmly on Deidara.

"Look at this gorgeous hottie I found!" cried Sonia excitedly. "Damn, where's Dessie when I need her. She'd be dying of jealousy over this eye-candy I found!"

"You!" said Naruto loudly, pointing at Deidara and me. "I know you!"

"Took you long enough, Blondie!" shouted Deidara.

"Who you calling Blondie, Blondie!" yelled Naruto, pointing rather violently at Deidara.

"You're a million times blonder then I'll ever be!"

"It's okay,' I said, petting Deidara affectionately. "I like blonds."

Naruto stared at me in horror. "You're Hannah!"

I blinked, stared, and then asked, "Do I know you?"

"Yes! You were the girl who knocked me out with a frying pan!"

I glanced at Deidara confusedly and asked, "What is he talking about, Dei-Dei? I would never hurt a fly!"

Deidara let out a snort of laughter. "Whatever you say, wifey."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hinata's tomato-red face and, slowly, I followed her gaze to see her staring rather avidly. I put two and two together and a wide grin spread across my face.

"Aw," I said, hugging Deidara tightly and smiling fondly at Hinata. "Isn't that cute?"

Like me, Deidara took one look at Hinata's red face and her obsession with Naruto and put two and two together. However, he stared down at me (who was nuzzling against him) and said, "Dear Warg, her character change is frightening."

"Akatsuki!" shouted Naruto, managing to pull his arm away from Sonia to glare at us. "There hero is always here to save the day! By defeating you in battle I will be one step closer to Sasuke and saving him from the darkness!" (Insert very big yawn from Deidara) "I must get stronger and by defeating all the Akatsuki one-by-one, I will become the strongest shinobi imaginable and maybe even, one day, Hokage! I will defeat you – believe it!"

And then, Sonia hug-tackled him to the ground.

"How heroic…" Konan muttered.

"I lost track of what he was saying half-way through his ridiculously long hero speech," said Deidara.

"Don't ignore me!" shouted Naruto, managing to push Sonia away. "I will defeat you, Akatsuki, and get closer to Sasuke!"

"Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke…" muttered Deidara irritably. "Are you gay?"

Hinata practically fainted.

Naruto on the other hand turned a brilliant shade of red and glowered at Deidara. "Of course I'm not gay!"

"That's what they all say," said Deidara with a devilish grin.

Angrily, Naruto pressed two fingers together in a hand seal. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" and three clones of Naruto appeared on either side of him. They began to move in a set pattern and a gigantic shuriken made of wind appeared.

"Get ready," said Naruto angrily. "For an ass-kicking Naruto-style – believe it!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I feel so bad for Hannah...if she were in her right mind, she would never act like that. Crap! my laptop keeps screwing up! Piece of junk... Anyways, I really should be studying for my Pre-Calc exam like the good student I am... Instead, here I am, updating for my beloved readers. You want to know how you can thank me for this generosity? REVIEW! You know you want to!  
><strong>


	37. Love Pentagon

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: Love Pentagon**

**_Rule Number Thirty-Seven: Don't have weird dreams about the Akatsuki_**

**Dessie**

I had a dream. A dream that I fell down a hole while chasing after a white rabbit… The rabbit kept calling out to me as I fell, and then, suddenly, we hit the ground and the rabbit was off running again. I chased after it through a foreign land and then, as we approached a fork in the road, the rabbit looked back at me and I saw that it was wearing an orange spiral mask.

"Run faster, my little nunu!" cried the rabbit. "Run faster!"

Then, he disappeared and was replaced by a pink-and-purple striped version of Kisame. Kisame stared at me for a moment, and then a wide grin spread across his face so that I could see every single one of his pointy white teeth.

"What do you think you're grinning at?" I asked darkly.

"Follow me!" cried Kisame and he spun around and started sprinting up the right side of the fork in the road, a pink-and-purple striped tail bouncing along behind him.

"This is just too weird," I murmured and then followed after him.

Kisame led me on a wild goose chase until, finally, we approached a large, red-colored mansion rising from the ground between two hills. The walls of the mansion were crooked and it leant a little to the right, with tall spires leaning slightly over, as if collapsing under some unseen weight.

"Where are we?" I asked and then, as I looked around, I realized that Kisame was no longer to be found. "People come and go in the strangest ways here."

"Halt! Who goes there?"

I turned to see Kakuzu, dressed in a red and white suit, standing in front of the mansion gates. He was glowering at me, his eyes barely visible through the visor of an old-fashioned medieval knights' helmet.

"Er – who are you?" I asked.

"The question is – _who are you_?"

"I asked first!" I snapped irritably. "You should answer first."

"And who says I have to answer first?" asked Kakuzu. "Maybe I don't feel like answering first today."

"I say you have to answer first," I snapped. "And since my name is Dessie and I'm awesome, you have to listen."

"You just introduced yourself," pointed out Kakuzu.

"No I didn't."

He ignored me. "The Queen is expecting you. Right this way."

He led me along a winding path made up of red bricks through the garden in front of the mansion. The path seemed to stretch on forever, despite the fact at the mansion seemed quite close. Then, suddenly, Kakuzu disappeared and I found myself standing at the head of a long, skinny table filled with tea cups and saucers.

"What the hell…" I murmured.

"You're late!"

Deidara sprung up from the end of the table and pointed a shaky finger at me. He was dressed rather shabbily in a cut-up old suit and tattered top hat. Is entire body was trembling violently (probably from caffeine overload) and he said again, "You're late!"

"On the contrary, she's early." Zetsu sat beside Deidara, sipping his tea through a straw (he had no hands to hold the saucer with).

"She's late," repeated Deidara stubbornly. "She's late! She's late! She's late for a very important date!"

"Hn…" Itachi (HOTTIE!) sipped his tea and scowled at the whole situation in front of him.

"Don't you 'hn' me!" shouted Deidara, and he dumped and entire pot of tea over Itachi's head. "ART IS A BANG!" And suddenly, everyone got up and moved to a different place in the table the moment they sat down, the places where they had been sitting previously exploded, smoke billowing towards the sky as flames dances wildly.

"What the hell! What is going on here?" I asked confusedly. "Why am I late? What to?"

"You're early."

"You're late!"

"Hn…"

I stared around the table at Deidara, Itachi, and Zetsu. Finally, I threw my hands up into the air in reassignment and said, "You're all idiots. Where am I going to now?"

"You're late!" shouted Deidara yet again. "Follow the red-brick road to the mansion! Hurry! Run! Or art will catch up to you!"

And, with one glance at the Hottie, I sprinted off down the road towards the mansion before Deidara could decide to blow me up again. Surprisingly, it took me a matter of minutes to reach the door of the mansion, and when I got there, Konan stood at the entry way clad in a long red dress, watching me solemnly.

"What are you doing?" I asked her, slowing to a walk.

"You're late," she replied stiffly.

"Late to _what_?"

Konan said nothing, but she turned around and with a wave of her hands, the door of the mansion opened. She led me inside and down a series of corridors until we entered a large room decorated with red and white patterns with hearts stamped over everything. On the far side of the room, in a gold-backed chair, sat Leader with a gold crown perched atop his head.

"Your majesty," said Konan and she curtsied delicately.

"This is bullshit…" I muttered. "If you expect me to bow to Leader, you've got a whole other thing coming."

"You ought to bow to the Queen of Hearts," said Konan gravely.

"He's a dude – not a queen."

Ignoring my statement, Leader rose from his seat and stared at me darkly. Now that he was standing, I realized that he was, in fact, wearing a long white and red dress that fell to his ankles. Leader, however, acted as though this was nothing out of the norm and he said, "You're late."

"Why does everybody keep saying that!"

Leader didn't tell me. Instead, he raised his hands to eye-level and clapped them.

The sound rung through the throne room and then, suddenly, I found myself standing in the middle of a church wearing a long, white wedding gown, with a thin veil draped over my face and a bouquet of red roses clutched in my hands.

"What is going on here!" I asked. "I'm late for a _wedding_!"

"Not just any wedding," said an all-too-familiar voice beside me. "Ours."

Slowly, and filled with horror, I turned to see Orochimaru standing beside me in a classic tuxedo. He smiled his usual, ugly, perverted smile and held out a hand to me. "Shall we get married now?"

And then, out of nowhere, Hidan came flying on to the seen. He kicked Orochimaru in the jaw and Orochimaru fell to the floor with a heavy thud. Then, shirtless and with a jashinist symbol dangling across his chest, Hidan turned to me and said:

"Come on, baby, let's get hitched."

* * *

><p>I woke up screaming.<p>

"Shut the hell up, bitch! You're going to break my eardrums!"

I twisted my head around to see Hidan glaring at me angrily, his face only inches away from mine.

I screamed some more. Rule Number Thirty-Seven: Don't have weird dreams about the Akatsuki – it will scar you for life.

Now, to give you, wonderful readers, a full grasp of the situation: I had been dreaming (thank Warg) about going down the rabbit hole and marrying Orochimaru and then Hidan. In fact, I was currently tied to the base of a tree in between Hidan and Zetsu, with Damon to Zetsu's right. The four of us had been tied there by Team Hebi, which, as far as I can figure, was formed by Sasuke after he killed Orochimaru (I celebrate this fact).

Actually, being tied to the base of a tree wasn't too bad either. I spent most of the time there staring at Sasuke and Suigetsu as they went about their work (I might have drooled as well, can't be sure).

Damon, too, found his vision quite occupied. A red haired girl named Karin was also a member of Sasuke's team. She strutted around the campsite with a revealed stomach and short-shorts, smiling flirtatiously at Sasuke (the whore).

"She's beautiful!" wailed Damon, grinning at Karin excitedly. "You don't find high quality bodies like that anymore!"

"What about Jessica?" I asked.

"We broke up," said Damon with a shrug.

"What! When!"

"Before you girls came back…"

I glared at him. "Why didn't you tell me!"

"What does it matter?" asked Damon. "As a hot single guy I can draw in chicks with ease – babe's like this are fair game to me, Dessie."

"Asshole," I muttered.

Then suddenly, Suigetsu made his was across the campsite towards where the four of us sat, tied to the base of the tree. With his snow-white hair and glowing purple eyes, I could only find two words to describe Suigetsu with–

"Snow Hottie!"

"Shut up, bitch!" shouted Hidan angrily. "You already broke up with Itachi – don't go chasing after some other guy so soon!"

"But he's so gorgeous!" I wailed, struggling against the ropes that tied me to the tree. The overwhelming urge to hug/kiss/rape Suigetsu was being smothered by these ropes.

"You're right, Sasuke," said Suigetsu thoughtfully. "She is kind of scary."

Sasuke and Juugo (another member of Team Hebi) stepped out from behind another tree and approached us slowly, his expression guarded as he gazed down at me. "She is a formidable adversary, but one easily overcome if you know how to deal with her."

"She isn't a shinobi," said Suigetsu.

"No." Then, Sasuke turned to regard the four of us and he said, icily, "Tell me where Itachi is."

"Itachi?" Damon asked confusedly. "You mean Dessie's ex? Do you have a grudge against him?"

"They're brothers," I explained. "Original Hottie killed off the entire family except Mini-Hottie, and now Mini-Hottie is out for revenge."

"Oh…" Damon turned to regard Sasuke thoughtfully and then, after a pensive moment, Damon said, "Well that's stupid."

"Shut up!" shouted Sasuke angrily. "Tell me where Itachi is!"

"I'll tell you!" I cried.

Everyone turned to stare at me. Even Sasuke, in all his hotness, looked surprised. He stared at me suspiciously for a moment and then said, in that deep, sexy voice of his, "Where is Itachi?"

"I'll tell you," I said slyly. "But first you have to kiss me."

Reactions went a little something like this…

Sasuke: What? Hell no!

Suigetsu: _Man_, she knows how to bargain!

Karin: Not my Sasuke!

Damon: You want to try it too, baby?

Hidan: If you kill her I will sacrifice you to Jashin-sama and you shall spend eternity in eternal torment with the fiery demons of Jashin-sama feasting – ever so slowly – on you flesh! They will relish your suffering and wit hit will come the suffering of you family, who Jashin-sama will find in the afterlife and torture until their faces melt off while you watch and cry! Jashin-sama will have his revenge!

Everyone stared at Hidan blankly.

"Man," said Suigetsu. "Aren't you a little over the top?"

I ignored Hidan's ranting and turned to Sasuke with a grin. "So how about it, all it takes is one little kiss and I'll tell you where Itahci is."

Sasuke hesitated for a split second and then bent over and gave me a quick peck on the lips. He pulled away quickly and wiped off his mouth. "Not tell me where Itachi is."

"Well…" I said. "He's in this dimension!"

"What!" Sasuke was practically spitting with rage. "Where is he! You said you'd tell me! 'In this dimension' is not specific enough information!"

"You didn't ask for more specific," I pointed out. "Besides, I love you!"

"What!" cried Hidan. "Bullshit!"

Wait a second!" cried Damon excitedly. "Hidan loves Dessie–"

"I do not!" shouted Hidan angrily.

"Listen!" exclaimed Damon impatiently. "Hidan loves Dessie, but Dessie loves Sasuke. Karin also likes Sasuke, but he doesn't like either of them. And then I like Karin…It's a love pentagon!"

Everyone gawped at Damon in horror, unable to comprehend the words he was saying.

"Can eat Juugo?" asked Zetsu abruptly.

Juugo backed away until he was hiding behind Suigetsu. "Please don't let him eat me…"

"And Zetsu wants to eat Juugo," cried Damon. "The plot thickens!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well, Pre-Calc exam is over and on to French. French happens to be my worst subject (Je ne comprends pas) and I really ought to study for it. Anyways, none of you care about that. What you DO care about is the update. And yes, I think it is generally acknowledged that I am a ridiculously fast updater - YAY! So much the better for you. Anyways, this chapter was a little...odd, but fun to write. Sorry, all you DessieHidan fans, but their romance - if there is any - will have to wait longer... dun dun dun. I still haven't decided who Hannah will end up with... Anyways, REVIEW! **


	38. The Green Youth

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: The Green Youth**

**_Rule Number Thirty-Eight: Don't make Leader any angrier than necessary – it results in mangled corpses and other equally gruesome sights that will scar you for life and make you vomit the entire contents of you stomach. _**

**Kate**

"S-s-so this is K-K-K-Konoha…"

Kisame, Leader, and I stood at the edge of the city and looked up at the towering walls of the village. Shinobi patrolled the entrances making sure that no enemies snuck in. Thankfully, Leader and Kisame were still dressed in the jeans and t-shirts bought in my world, so their Akatsuki origins were almost unrecognizable.

"You think one of them might be in there?" I asked nervously. "Because otherwise bringing you and Leader here is like begging for death…"

"We'll be fine," said Kisame cheerfully. "Besides the portal probably dumped someone here just to spite us."

"You think K-K-Konan might b-b-be h-h-here?" asked Leader.

"She might," I said gently.

"Gai-sensei! Look what youthful beings have wandered into Konoha today!"

My entire body froze as I turned to see who had shouted out. A boy, about the same age as me, stood a couple meters away. The sight of him was enough to scar me forever. He had thivk, bushy eyebrows and a frightful bowl cut and – much to my horror – a bright-green spandex suit.

"Dear Warg…" murmured Kisame. "My eyes – they burn!"

Suddenly, a larger man who looked like a grown up version of the spandex kid came charging through the forest. "What is it Lee? Where are the youthful people?"

Lee (the spandex kid) pointed at us.

"I know you!" shouted Kisame, suddenly pointing at Gai.

"You do?" I asked, surprised.

Gai squinted at Kisame and then, after a minute, he said, "Are you sure you don't have me mistaken for someone else?"

"No!" shouted Kisame angrily. "I know exactly who you are!"

"Didn't we fight him awhile back?" asked Tenten thoughtfully.

Neji stared from Gai to Kisame and back again, before saying in a deep, prophetic voice, "It was destiny that you two meet again."

"Our youth has brought us together once more!" shouted Gai loudly while Lee nodded enthusiastically in the background. "May we forever battle in our youth amongst the green trees of Konoha!"

Leader cowered behind me and muttered, "The g-g-green man who wears t-t-tight clothes scares m-m-me."

"Oh…" I groaned.

"Is he afraid?" asked Lee as he caught sight of the terrified Leader.

"He's been having a rough time," I explained quickly. "His girlfriend's gone missing."

"His youthful spirit needs strengthening then!" cried Lee.

This caught Gai's attention and he came to stand beside Lee and stared at the petrified form of Leader. Leader scuttled around me, making sure that I was between him and the spandex-wearing-freaks at all times. Frankly, I have to say the whole scene was rather pathetic (not that I'd ever tell Leader that).

Gai grabbed Leader by the arm and pulled the stammering leader out from behind me. Lee clapped an arm around Leader's shoulder and cried excitedly, "Don't worry, Leader-san! We will help you grow stronger – with the power of youth!"

"P-p-please don't…" Leader stuttered.

But, of course, it was too late. Gai and Lee dragged Leader away for a "youthful" one-hundred laps around Konoha. As I watched the three of them disappear, I almost felt a wave of pity for Leader – then, I remembered how he got drunk and tried to threaten me for information about Konan; the pity disappeared real quickly.

"Should we do something about that?" Tenten asked Kisame curiously.

Kisame shrugged. "It'll do Leader some good. He acts like an old man most of the time – he should have some youth forced into him."

"We should get on to Konoha," I said. "We'll return for Leader when we're done there."

"Who knows," said Kisame wickedly. "It could be days…"

"Kisame!" I cried. "Don't be intentionally cruel!"

"I'm an S-rank criminal," said Kisame cheerfully. "I'm allowed to be cruel – but only on days ending in a 'y'."

I stopped to think about this. "But every day ends in a 'y'!"

He laughed and ruffled my blond hair fondly. "And it took you that long to figure it out."

"Is she really with you?" asked Tenten curiously.

"What?" we asked in unison. "What do you mean 'with'?"

"As in partners… I mean, Kisame's an S-ranked criminal and Kate's – er – Kate…ish…"

"I told you!" cried Kisame, turning to me with feigned anger. "We have to work on your 'grr'-face! Give me your best 'grr'!"

I hesitated, glancing over at Tenten and Neji, who were both staring at me in confusion and, to be honest, a little amusement. Finally, I turned back to Kisame and screwed up my face. "Grrrrrrr!"

"No good," said Kisame. "You're more like a fluffy rabbit than a frightening criminal. We'll have to work on that more later." Then, he switched his attentions to Neji and Tenten. "Do you mind showing us around Konoha?"

"You're an S-ranked criminal," pointed out Neji. "We should be fighting you right now, planning to take you in for questioning as soon as you're defeated."

"We won't do any harm!" I cried, grabbing hold of Neji by the sleeve. "We've – er – lost some friends and we're trying to find them! We're here only on a search-and-rescue, that's all!"

Neji scowled.

"I think she's telling the truth," said Tenten thoughtfully. "Besides, you saw how Leader was acting. I don't think S-ranked criminals act like that unless there isn't something _really wrong_ going on."

Both Kisame and I thought of Tobi and (though we didn't say it) we seriously doubted Leader's madness was any proof of our momentarily uncriminal-like behavior.

"Fine," said Neji grimly. "Though, I should warn you that there's a mad woman running amok today. She woke up in my bed, kidnapped Hinata, and now many shinobi are out looking for her. Be on your guard."

"Someone woke up in your bed?" I asked.

"So the stiff is getting _some_ action," said Kisame eagerly. "Nice…"

"That's not what I meant," I snapped and then turned back to Neji. "What did she look like?"

"Er…" Neji thought for a second. "Long brown hair… brown eyes… kind of taller than the average girl and thin. She was really feminine…"

"Hannah!" I cried, turning to fling my arms around Kisame shoulders. "It's Hannah!"

"You know that psychopath!" exclaimed Neji.

"You woke up with Hannah in your bed?" asked Kisame, breaking off my hug with him. "Man, Zetsu is going to eat you alive!"

"Hannah is my friend," I explained, waving Kisame's perverted humor jokes away. "She was hit in the head by a falling piece of roof and her behavior is a little…weird… She's not normally like that!"

"Well," said Tenten. "If we help them find Hannah, then maybe you can find Hinata as well, Neji!"

"Fine," said Neji grimly. "Let's go."

And so the four of us – two Konoha shinobi, an Akatsuki member, and fake Akatsuki whore – made our way through the forest to the village hidden in the leaves, where we would search for Hannah and whoever else we could find.

* * *

><p>In the end, finding Hannah was not as difficult as we thought. The four of us wandered about Konoha for ten minutes before we caught sight of a gigantic explosion in the distance. We ran through the streets of Konoha and found ourselves facing a pile of rubble with two blond standing face to face amongst the rocks and dirt.<p>

On one side, there was Naruto Uzumaki with his short, spiky blond hair and fiery blue eyes as he fought for the safety of his village. And on the other side, there was Deidara, the insane, blonde, pyromaniac who fought because he liked to. Great match up…

And then, for some unknown reason, there was the cheering section where Hannah stood weeping pitifully (I don't think I've ever seen Hannah cry before) for the well-being of her "hubby" and Hinata knelt beside Hannah, quivering as she hoped for Narut's victory. Sonia stood a little in front of them, cheering _for_ Naruto to "beat the pulp out of that perverted blond bitch who does nasty stuff with the mouths on his hands!"

"We have a little situation," I said softly.

Kisame just laughed.

Konan, who was standing a little ways away from that battle and pretending she didn't know those people, caught sight of us. She made her way through the piles of rubble to stand beside us (who she dubbed the sane people) and said, "So you found us. Where'd you two wash up after the orb?"

"At the hideout," I replied. "With Leader, Itachi, and Kakuzu as well."

"Leader? Where is he? Is he okay?" asked Konan nervously.

"Fine…" I murmured, shifting uncomfortably.

"He's a little coo-coo!" said Kisame, twirling his finger beside his head in the universal symbol for crazy.

"It's because he misses you," I reassured Konan. "He can't function without you."

Konan seemed visibly relieved by this information, but she quicly covered it up and said, "He's needs to work on his leadership skills. A leader should remain strong in any situation."

"Right…" Kisame grinned and patted me on the shoulder. Then, he bent over and whispered in my ear, "The Love Guru has found his next target."

"For another time," I whispered back. "The Love Guru and his assistant She-Cupid will strike soon though."

Any further Love Guru plotting was brought to an end by the shouts and bangs from Deidara and Naruto's fight. Hinata had caught sight of Neji and Tenten and rushed to their side, casting worried glances over her shoulder at Naruto. Her worrying was understandable. The fight was rather close, since both Naruto and Deidara were epic shinobi. I couldn't really tell what was going on, but by the expressions on everyone else's faces, it was intense.

Then, suddenly, Deidara let off another one of his bombs and the rubble exploded in all directions. Kisame shielded me from the worst of the debris, while Konan grabbed hold of Sonia. Unfortunately, there was no one to protect poor Hannah from the rain of falling rocks.

One slammed into her head and Hannah's eyes rolled backwards, revealing the white part only. She toppled to the ground and lay there, unmoving.

"Hannah!" I screamed, abandoning my position beside Kisame and sprinting through the rubble to her side. "Hannah!"

Sonia knelt at our side and stared at Hannah nervously. Blood trickled down Hannah's forehead, but she didn't move.

"Don't touch her!" commanded Konan, and she knelt beside Hannah and began checking all of Hannah's bones. "I'm not a doctor, but I'm far more qualified than any of you."

Neither of us argued.

Deidara stopped his fight and completely abandoned Naruto to come running to the aid of his "wife".

"Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!" shouted Deidara. "Are you okay!"

"Shut up, idiot!" snapped Sonia. "You're going to give her brain damage again! Why is it that whenever Hannah gets hit in the head, you're responsible!"

Deidara almost looked ashamed of his actions. Then, he stepped forward to stand beside Hannah and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Get up Hannah before I kill you!"

"Shut up, you stupid blond fur ball…"

Horrified, we all turned to stare at Hannah, who lay on the ground, her brown eyes open and staring up irritably at Deidara.

A wild sigh of relief escaped me and I collapsed to the ground beside Hannah. Konan bandaged up Hannah's forehead and then, Hannah sat up, turning to stare at us all one by one.

"I'm back in Konoha…" she observed.

"Do you…er…remember anything that happened while you were out?" I asked nervously.

"No…"

"Oh. Well that's a good thing then, isn't it," said Sonia cheerfully. "For Deidara at least…"

"I know," said Kisame. "I was hoping she'd remember everything and beat the crap out of him. It makes good entertainment."

"What am I not remembering…" said Hannah slowly, looking from us to Deidara and back. Then, she got to her feet and held out her hand to Kisame. With a laugh, he grabbed Deidara roughly by the shoulder and then, Kisame summon up a frying pan and handed it to Hannah. "Have fun, Hannah-Nunu."

"Shut up, Kisame," said Hannah as she rounded on Deidara.

He tried to run, but Kisame held him in place. Hannah raised the frying pan over her head and brought it crashing down on Deidara's skull.

"Ouch!" he cried as blood welled up on his forehead and dripped down his face. "What was that for!"

"I don't know!" shouted Hannah, preparing to strike him with the frying pan again. "But you did something to me while I was out of it and that was my revenge!"

"It's not my fault, bitch!" yelled Deidara. "You're the one who thought we were married and that Tobi was out child!"

"WHAT!"

But, luckily for Deidara, Hannah's rage was brought to an abrupt end by the arrive of the Green Beast of Konoha and his crew of miscreants. Gai stood atop the mound of rubble and looked about wildly. Lee stood to Gai's left, looking as equally wild and as equally idiotic. And then, poor Leader stood to the right of Gai, looking very tired and very frightened.

"What unyouthful thing is happening here?" asked Gai loudly. He caught sight of me standing beside Kisame who was holding down a bleeding Deidara while Hannah stood over him with a frying pan raised above her head. It probably looked ridiculous. But Gai just waved and said, "Hello, Kate-chan! Having a good day?"

"Er…yeah…"

And then, Leader caught sight of Konan.

It was like someone had waved a magic wand over him and he was no long an ugly servant girl, but now a beautiful princess. He stood straight and tall and all the fear vanished from his eyes. Suddenly, he was the leader we all knew and loved again, with all his old man traits and bossy attitude. Leader took one look at the situation he was in and then turned to Gai and Lee with the calmest expression I have ever seen.

"If you say 'youth' one more time, I will take this right hand of mine hand and thrust it inside you stomach, grab hold of as many intestines as I can fit into this hand of mine and then rip them all out of you, blood, guts and all. Then, I will force feed them into your mouth and make you swallow your own innards until you die choking and gurgling on your own blood – is that understood!"

Gai and Lee stared at Leader blankly.

"Well that's not very youthful," said Gai.

[The next scene is omitted due to Leader's extreme violence used against Gai and Lee. Needless to say the result was the return of the old Leader that we all know and love. Of course, this was at the expense of Gai and Lee's lives. But, as we know, being the 'youthful' people that they are, Gai and Lee will bounce back with the same ridiculous amount of energy as always]

"I feel refreshed." All smiles, Leader stepped off the pile of rubble to join the rest of the Akatsuki members present, Sonia, Hannah, and me. Rule Number Thirty-Eight: Don't make Leader one of the Green Youth – it generally results in mangled corpses and other hideous images that result from a very pissed off Leader.

A little ways off, Naruto stared at the mangled bodies of Gai and Lee and said, "I think I'm scarred for life."

Hinata threw up.

"It's good to have you back," said Kisame, wrapping an arm around Leader's shoulders. "We missed you."

"Touch me any longer and I will force feed you shark meat and then unleash Itachi on you."

Kisame let go of Leader.

"The good old days…" said Deidara cheerfully. "I miss them."

"We should head back to the hideout," I added. "We need to get Sonia home. It's not good if she's here too long."

"But…" wailed Sonia.

"That's right," said Konan. "If she stays too long she'll end up like you, Hannah, and Dessie."

We all shuddered at the thought.

But, of course, before we could even take a step in the direction of home, yet another obstacle dropped in our lap, and this time, it came in the form of the Konoha shinobi – a lot of them.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Mwahahahahaha cliff hanger. Now, before you all get extremely angry at me for not updating in forever, I have something to say: I have no excuse. I got lazy and didn't and now, I'm somewhere far away in the middle of nowhere (Ohio) for vacation and, deprived of all over distractions (cell phone) I decided to update. Yay for miserable vacations!**

**I think I put a poll up... I don't know, I've never done so before. But I attempted to put up a poll on my profile which asks who should Hannah end up with, because I have no clue. If you don't see it let me know and I'll try to figure out the problem... (as you can see I'm really new to the whole poll thing). **

**Anyways, thank you all for putting up with me and reading my works! I love you all to pieces even if I've never met you! Now, return the love by sending me a wonderful review and answering the poll... please... pretty please? With an Akatsuki on top?  
><strong>


	39. Battle of the Badasses

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: Battle of the Badasses**

_**Rule Number Thirty-Nine: Sometimes S-ranked criminals forget too. **_

**Hannah**

There is only so much I can deal with in one day. Not only did I just regain myself after having my memory blasted away by the debris of Deidara's explosion and I found out that during that time period I thought Deidara was my husband and Tobi my son, I now had a spitting headache with my forehead thick with bandages. And, as if that weren't enough, I was now standing with the Akatsuki (who, thankfully, were not wearing their cloaks) and my friends surrounded by angry Konoha shinobi…

This day could not get any worse, could it?

"I know them!" shouted a silver haired shinobi (Kakashi). "It's the Akatsuki and their fake-whores!"

Prove me wrong. As expressions of comprehension crossed the Konoha shinobi's faces, I had to sigh heavily. This day had just gotten ten times worse.

"I d-d-don't like being called a fake-whore…" murmured Kate.

"She's just a regular whore," explained Kisame cheerfully. He wrapped an arm around Kate's waist and picked her up right of the ground until her face was level with his. "Hey, baby, want to get it on?"

Kate was as red as a tomato.

"Don't ruin her purity, Kisame," I warned him. "Or she could go all badass on you."

"Badass? Kate? Where did this come from?"

"All it takes is the magic word," I explained.

The Akatsuki and the Konoha shinobi watched us curiously. I realized that none of them except for Kakashi had ever seen Kate go badass – and believe me, he looked scared.

"Why don't you put that word away," said Kakashi warningly. "Someone could get hurt."

I turned on him with a vicious grin crossing my face. "I'm in a terrible mood, Oh Masked and Strange One. Don't mess with me. Turn all your little troops of shinobi around or I will unleash the Kate on you."

"What are you talking about?" asked Kate confusedly.

"Stay! Stay!" cried Kisame. "I want to see this badass Kate."

"Kate can never be a badass," said Sonia. "It's genetically impossible."

"Two words," I said, rounding on Kakashi. "Two words are all it takes to send you and your army of shinobi into hell."

"We can't leave you," said Kakashi. "But don't say it!"

"Mr. Nibbles." I turned to Kate and said, with a dead serious expression, "Kakashi and all his Konoha shinobi said that Mr. Nibbles is an idiot."

The effect was perfect. Kate, pure and holy and innocent Kate, transformed into a badass demon of revenge. Her face contorted and she glowered at Kakashi with newfound hated. Her entire body was tense and trembling.

"What did you say about Mr. Nibbles?" she asked, her voice low and deadly.

"That he was a really… really nice rabbit…" murmured Kakashi.

"MR. NIBBLES WAS A CHICKEN!"

"I meant chicken..."

And with that, all hell broke loose. Kate leapt across the pile of rubble to grab Kakashi by the throat. Soon, the two of them were engaged in an epic battle of the badasses (Kakashi being the masked ninja badass and Kate being the psychopathic Mr. Nibbles' revenge badass).

For a moment, we all stood there, staring at Kakashi and Kate, unable to comprehend what was going on. Then, one of the Konoha shinobi charged at Kisame, preparing to take off Kisame's blue head with a gigantic axe. Unfortunately for a shinobi, Kisame is undefeatable when it comes to weapons of destruction. With one swing of his sword, Kisame stopped the shinobi's attack and with a second swing of his sword, Kisame had chopped the shinobi's head off.

"Ew…" wailed Sonia.

"Art is bang, uhn!" cried Deidara and he threw himself into the fray, laughing wildly and throwing miniature bombs in every direction.

"This is madness," declared Konan. "Just how I like it." Then, with a wave of her arms, paper appeared from no where and started attacking the Konoha shinobi. They screamed and ran away, but the paper was relentless.

Leader, too, joined the fight, with all his bodies appearing after a summoning and battling on par with the Konoha elite.

Konan with her paper, Deidara with his bombs, Leader with his bodies, Kisame with his sword, and Kate with her revenge…it was all complete and utter madness. And, as sad as it is to say, I probably belonged in this madness. I gripped the handle of my frying pan and, with newfound determination I raised it above my head, preparing to fight.

"Wait!"

Sonia grabbed my wrist and pulled me away. "Don't leave me!"

"Don't worry," I said, patting her arm comfortingly. "If anyone dangerous comes near you, just scream and run in the opposite direction – then they know you're not a threat."

"That won't work!" she cried.

I shrugged and, for the first time, I realized that perhaps this alternate dimension was not for everyone. I patted Sonia gently on the shoulder and said in the softest voice I could, "It's worked for us in the past. It's all the advice I can give you." And then, wielding my badass frying pan, I ran forward and brought it crashing down on some shinobi's skull.

I had never been in a fight before, to be honest. And I never really thought I would ever be in one. But now that I was, I have to say it was rather thrilling.

I swung my frying pan of mass destruction about wildly, never mind who might get in its way. I'm sure I might have hit Deidara on the head a couple of times by accident, of course. But who cares! It's a fight. No one's counting how many blows to the head anyone gets. All that matters is who is standing at the end and who is lying on the ground with blood around their heads. And, like the criminally insane psychopath that I apparently am, I had fun.

That was, until, Deidara decided it would be best to blow the whole place up.

KA-BOOM!

Dirt, bricks, trees, doors, roofs, anything and everything came crashing down on our heads. There was a scream – possibly Sonia or Kate – and a couple of people started to run. It did them no good. One moment everything was aflame and then everything was falling.

I think someone – maybe Deidara, maybe Leader – covered my head (it had been through enough abuse over the past few days). Rocks and stone and splinters scraped against my skin – a rubble covered chaos, that's what this was.

And then there was silence.

…

…

…

"Who was the idiot who thought it would be funny to blow up half the city!"

That would be Leader speaking.

"When I find him I will find get a jutsu from Hidan that will make this son-of-a-bitch immortal and then use every jutsu in my power to make his life a living hell!"

"Calm down, Leader," came the soothing voice of Konan. "We're all alright."

"Speak for yourself."

There came the sound of rubble shifting about and I recognized the voice of Sonia as she added, "I'm all achy."

"You're bleeding," added Konan.

"It's not bad though. You sheltered me from most of it."

I opened my eyes and they were filled with blinding light. I blinked – once, twice, three times – and then realized that I was not buried by mountains of rubble, but rather, I was lying on top of a smashed-up door frame with a very squishy blond fur ball on top of me.

"Deidara…" I murmured. "What are you doing?"

"Uhn…" he grumbled, snuggling closer against my back. "So comfortable…"

"Get off me, moron!" I sat up and Deidara promptly fell off of me, his face landing with a heavy crunch against the ground.

"You're in one piece?" asked Konan.

"Yeah, yeah…" I muttered. "Deidara covered me."

"And what do I get for it?" asked Deidara irritably. "Nothing. In fact, she pushes me away."

"What do you want for it?" I snapped angrily.

Deidara thought about it for a second and then wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. I wish I had my frying pan right now.

* * *

><p>"Home sweet home!"<p>

The door of the hideout flew open and Diedara stepped inside with his arms thrown open as if to hug the hideout. "I missed this place!"

I couldn't help but agree with him as I stepped into the oh-so-familiar hallways of the hideout. I hadn't been here in a couple months and already I missed this place terribly – what have the Akatsuki done to me!

"You live here?" asked Sonia incredulously. "It's a dump."

"Don't insult my home," snapped Leader as he walked through the door after Sonia. "Or you'll wish you've never been born."

"He means it," added Konan, stepping in after Leader.

"Oh right," I said thoughtfully. "Sonia's never been to the hideout before – you get used to it after awhile."

"So, can you give me the tour?"

I glanced around at the rest of the Akatsuki present and shrugged. "Sure. But shouldn't you be getting home? You're parents must be worried…"

"So are yours," pointed out Sonia irritably. "I can stay if I want to."

"Not really," said Leader as casually as if we were talking about the weather. "This is _my_ hideout and therefore it is _my _decision whether you stay or go. And, unfortunately, I like you less than I like Hannah, Kate or Dessie – and I don't really want you to stay."

I almost laughed aloud. Leader's just awesome like that.

"You like _Dessie_ more than me?" asked Sonia incredulously.

Leader shrugged. "She kicks Hidan in his weak spot – that's always good for amusement."

"I don't want to go," said Sonia stubbornly. "I want to stay here."

"No can do," said Leader equally as stubborn.

"You can't make me do anything."

Leader laughed aloud. "Want to bet?" And with that, he picked Sonia up and slung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Sonia kicked and screamed, but, of course, Leader was an S-ranked missing ninja and there was no arguing with S-ranked missing ninjas. Leader carried Sonia all the way down to the basement with the rest of us trailing after them curiously.

Leader found the glowing blue orb and – before Sonia could breathe a word of protest – Leader dumped her into the glowing blue orb and with a flash of light, Sonia was gone.

"Problem solved," said Leader, brushing off his hands.

"One down, one to go," said Konan cheerfully.

I glanced around and – suddenly – it dawned on me. "Hey guys…where's Kate and Kisame?"

Silence.

Everyone looked around the room in search of the missing blue-shark and the innocent Kate. There was no sign of them. In fact, there had been no sign on them since the explosion Deidara had set of in Konoha.

Leader groaned and Konan slapped her forehead wearily.

"Oh shit… don't tell me we forgot them."

"You mean we have to go _all the way back_ to Konoha?" asked Deidara.

"Uh-huh."

Rule Number Thirty-Nine: Sometimes S-ranked ninja criminals forget too – their forgets though just happen to be on a bigger scale than the regular S-ranked ninja (criminals are just too badass for the normal-scale forgets).

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry this chapter is so short, but sometimes chapters are. Next one's from Dessie's POV and - er - it's very interesting... hahahaha. Gawd, I feel sick. My throat is all swollen and painful (not that you care). What you do care about is that, because I'm sick, I can't do anything else, so I'll probably read and write all day today (yay!). So, since I'm sick and need comforting - I suggest you all review and then answer the poll located on my profile. Please... REVIEW AND POLL - I'm not asking too much, am I? **


	40. Kisses and Cannibalism

**Chapter Forty: Kisses and Cannibalism **

**Rule Number Forty: The name Hannah is a powerful weapon indeed.**

**Dessie**

"So how about it?"

"No."

"One time, that's all I ask."

"No."

"Please…"

"No!"

"Why won't you go one a date with me!" wailed Damon miserably. He struggled against the bonds that tied him to the tree, but to no avail. Team Hebi were no dropouts when it came to rope tying.

"Get this into your head, you thick skull idiots!" screamed Karin and she kicked Damon's ankle angrily. "I will not ever – and I mean ever – date you! My heart belongs to Sasuke Uchiha and that is it! No one else! Understand!"

"Shut up, bitch," I snapped. "Mini-Hottie is mine!"

"He's mine, whore!" snapped Karin, rounding on me now. "Keep your perverted hands and lips off of him or I will rip you to shreds!"

I yawned. "You're just jealous because I've kissed him _twice _and you haven't."

"Twice!" screamed Karin.

"We have that kind of relationship," I explained triumphantly. "Don't be too jealous – you always have Damon."

Damon grinned and said, "I'm always ready for some rebound action."

"Shut up!"

Beside me, Hidan struggled against his bonds. "The stupid bitch can have duck-ass all she wants – now can we go home?"

"But I want to stay with Mini-Hottie," I whined.

Hidan went slightly red around the ears and shouted, "No! You can not stay with Mini-Hottie! He'll probably murder you in your sleep!"

"Or when she tries to rape him," added Damon. "Though to be honest, man, I'm rooting for you all the way. Though… if Dessie ends up with duck-ass, then Karin will be free for me. Then two-out-of-three of us will be happy…"

"I object," said Hidan.

"I concur!" I cried excitedly and then turned to Sasuke. "Hey, Mini-Hottie! Let's get hitched so Karin and Damon can have their date!"

"Hn…"

"I think that's a 'yes'!" I shouted.

Juugo glanced from Sasuke to me and then said in that slow and steady voice of his, "I think Sasuke's saying 'no'."

"Who can tell!" shouted Hidan. "These stupid Uchihas are incapable of human communication yet they're so popular! They should all be sacrificed to Jashin-sama and the world will be a much better place!"

"Don't touch my Sasuke!" screamed Karin and I in unison.

"Can you believe the nerve of these boys?" I asked Karin incredulously.

She shook her head. "They're all idiots – except Sasuke, of course!"

"That's what makes the Uchihas so attractive," I explained. "They don't all under the category of idiot with the rest of their kind." I glared at Hidan. "And Warg will devour your puny god."

"Warg is a god you made up on the spot!" shouted Hidan.

"Excuse me, did you say something?" I asked.

"I said: Warg is a god you made up on the spot, whore!" Hidan pratically screamed in my ear.

"All this yelling is making my head hurt," I said. "I'm going to sleep. Zetsu, can I use your shoulder as a pillow?"

Zetsu turned to look at me, a bit of drool dripping down his chin (he had been staring at Juugo hungrily for the past hour or so). "What? Shoulder? Pillow?"

"Er…never mind." I turned back to Hidan and asked, "Can I use your shoulder as a pillow?"

"Hell no, whore."

I ignore his refusal and used his shoulder as a pillow. I have to admit, for a violent criminal who sacrifices people to Jashin, Hidan does have very comfortable shoulders. I should use them as pillows more often. And, to my surprise, Hidan did not try and shake me off, but rather, he sat there and bore with it, even though I suspected his shoulder began to fall asleep after awhile and he had pins and needles.

"DESSIE-NUNU! TOBI HAS COME TO SAVE YOU!"

I groaned. "Hidan, if Tobi comes here tell him to be quiet because I'm sleeping."

"You tell him," snapped Hidan.

"But I'm sleeping."

There was the sound of footsteps and I squinted (still pretending to be asleep) as I saw Sasuke and Tobi approach together. Tobi looked absolutely thrilled to see me and was pratically skipping on the spot. I found it odd that Sasuke and Tobi were walking together (had they been having some sort of secret conference?), but before I could think too much into it, Tobi rushed forward to embrace me, screaming my name over and over again.

"Shut up," snapped Hidan. "She's asleep."

Tobi stopped and stared. "Dessie-Nunu isn't frightened?"

I almost snapped at him. Why would a great and mighty person like me be frightened? But of course, saying that would ruin my sleep-act, so I remained silent.

"But Tobi was hoping that Dessie-Nunu would be scared and she would jump into Tobi's arms, crying, and ride off into the sunset with Tobi."

"Who the hell would do that!" I shrieked, sitting upright. "It's scary as shit!"

"Dessie-Nunu is up!" wailed Tobi and he flung his arms around my neck.

"Shit…"

"Well," said Sasuke. "Not that the reunion is over – Juugo, tie him up."

"Eh?" Tobi looked around, but before he could stop them, Juugo and Suigetsu had grabbed Tobi by the shoulders and tied him to the tree beside Damon (who looked less than pleased by this arrangement).

"Ha! You get what you deserve," said Karin.

Damon scowled. "You may be hot, but you can be a bit of a bitch at times."

"Oh!" I cried, leaning over to talk to Hidan. "It's their first lovers' spat."

"And you should know a lot about that," said Suigetsu with a snicker.

"If I weren't tied to a tree you'd be missing some important manly bits right now," I told him. "Even if you are the Snow-Hottie."

"You wouldn't dare harm this perfect specimen," said Suigetsu triumphantly.

I scowled, and then, after gazing at Suigetsu for a moment, my head sagged in resignation. "You're right… I cannot resist you hotness. How about we run away together, Snow-Hottie, just you and me?"

"Love to," said Suigetsu. "But I have things to do, places to go. I can't tie myself down to one girl yet."

I smirked and then put on the most girly expression I possibly could. "But Suigetsu-sama – you should take responsibility for your actions."

"Eh?"

Hidan yelped. "What is she talking about? Suigetsu? What is she talking about? I'll kill you! Jashin-sama isn't picky about his sacrifices? I will show you the meaning of pain – you miserable wretch of a creature! Hell will devour you and spit you back out only to devour you again, you bastard! I will curse you to the next century and gnaw your bones out with y own teeth if I have to!"

"What are you talking about?" Suigetsu asked me, completely ignoring Hidan's rant.

"You don't know yet?" I said innocently. "And here I am–" (I choked back tears) "–dealing with all the stress and you're carefree and…and…happy…"

"What did you do now, Suigetsu?" asked Sasuke irritably.

"What did you do to Dessie-Nunu!" wailed Tobi. "Tobi doesn't like it when Dessie-Nunu cries!"

Hidan was still releasing a stream of death threats.

"I didn't do anything!" cried Suigetsu. "Nothing at all!"

"WAH! He ate my arm! He ate my arm! He _ate_ my _arm_!"

Everyone turned to stay at Juugo, who stood a few feet away from Zertsu, clutching his shoulder and blood spurted out where Juugo's arm ought to be. I turned to stare at Zetsu who was clutching a large, muscular arm between his lips and gnawing on it rather peacefully.

"That's disgusting, man," I told him.

"He ate my arm!" screamed Juugo. His face started to grow red with rage. "He ate my arm and all you can say is 'that's disgusting, man'!"

"What am I supposed to say?" I asked. "I'm terribly sorry, Juugo, that you lost your arm – would you like a sympathies card to go with it?"

Juugo's face was now turning a livid shade of green as black splotches made their way across his face, slowly turning his entire body red. His form morphed and soon, before us, stood the blood-red monstrous form of Juugo. "I'll kill you!" he howled. "I'll kill you!"

"Oops…"

"Someone stop Juugo," said Sasuke.

"Not me!" cried Suigetsu. "I'm not getting in the way of that thing."

"It'll do the world a favor if he kills Dessie," added Karin. "Think of it a community service to make up for all the bad things we've done."

Juugo started to charge, preparing to rip me to shreds. I screamed, but Juugo had barely come a meter away from me before a tall, dark man appeared between the two of us. He stopped Juugo in his tracks and said, in a deep, serious voice, "Don't harm Dessie-Nunu."

"Eh?"

That serious, mysterious, dark stranger was…Tobi! There was something very, very wrong with this situation.

"You're not going to be like Kate and fall in love with Tobi because he saved your life, are you?" asked Hidan.

I snorted. "Me? Hell no."

"What are you doing, Madara?" asked Sasuke irritably. "I didn't think you'd blow your cover so easily."

"I didn't think you'd let your monster go on rampage so easily," said Madara-Tobi in his deep voice.

"Wait a second…" said Hidan slowly. "You mean Tobi… has split personalities?"

"I think it's more that he's an evil mastermind who plans on ruling the world, bit rather than reveal who he is, the evil mastermind pretends to be a silly idiot so that no one would ever suspect that he is said evil mastermind," I explained.

Hidan considered this. "Too complicated. Let's just stick to the split personalities theory."

I shrugged. "Fair enough."

"You protected that stupid whore?" asked Sasuke, still talking to Madara-Tobi.

Madara-Tobi shrugged. "She kicks Hidan in his weak spot. It makes like more amusing."

"Hey!" said Hidan. "It's not that funny! I might not be able to have children now!"

"You'd make an awful daddy," I told him.

Damon snickered. "But he wants to be the father of _your_ children."

"Karin, dearest," I said, turning to her. "Would you like to do the honors?"

"Of course, Dessie, dearest," said Karin and she put Damon through so much pain that I cannot possibly bear to tell you about it for fear of scarring your innocent and pure minds. Needless to say, it was satisfactory revenge for Damon's inappropriate and totally untrue comment.

"Since when are you and Karin all buddy-buddy?" asked Suigetsu.

"Since we agreed that all men are idiots," I said. "All women bond over the common enemy."

"What's the common enemy?"

An all too familiar voice filled the forest. My heart leapt with glee as I turned to see the rescue team standing between two oak trees, watching us all: Kakuzu, with his eyes full of money, glowered at the group, while Itachi stood beside him, looking as bored and uninterested as always.

Needless to say, at the sight of his brother, Sasuke started to hyperventilate with excitement. "Itachi!" he screamed, pointing at his brother. "I will kill you!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Kakuzu, waving away Sasuke's words. "Been there done that – next story line please."

"Shut up!" screamed Sasuke. "I will kill Itachi! And when I do, don't come crying to me in pity! I will kill you too! I will kill anyone who gets in my way!"

Kakuzu yawned. "You do realize that storyline is _way_ overused."

"Hey Kakuzu," I said cheerfully. "Nice of you to drop by."

"I'm only here because I want to get on Ms. Wendy's good side," explained Kakuzu.

"She'd prefer it if I were dead," I pointed out.

"Maybe, but you're my only connection to Ms. Wendy and her money. So, I need you alive."

I sighed. "Why does it feel like I'm being used?"

"Because you are."

"I admire your candor."

"It's one of my finest qualities."

"I'd hate to see the rest of them."

Suddenly, Kakuzu caught sight of Zetsu, who was munching on Juugo's arm still. "Who fed the cannibal?"

"Juugo," said Damon. "Apparently he didn't see the sign around Zetsu's neck which says 'Don't Feed the Animals'."

"Shut up all of you!" shouted Sasuke. "Itachi! Fight me!"

"Hn…"

"I think he's saying that he can't be bothered," said Suigetsu helpfully. "Maybe he doesn't think you're worthy of a fight."

"Hn…" was all Itachi said.

"Can someone untie us already!" shouted Hidan. "These ropes are a bitch!"

"Quit your whining," snapped Damon. "We all know you're secretly please to be tied up with Dessie. You think that kind of thing is kinky."

"Someone kill him, please!" I shouted.

Karin smiled demonically. "That can be arranged."

"You know," I said thoughtfully. "At first I thought you were a whorish bitch, but now I see that you're really a totally awesome bitch who I can relate to."

Karin hesitated. "I can't decide if that was a compliment or an insult. At first I thought you were a whorish bitch – and guess what! You're still a whorish bitch!"

"Yay for understanding!" I cried.

Suigetsu and Hidan exchanged bemused glances. "Women."

"Why won't anyone just let me kill Itachi!" shouted Sasuke angrily.

Kakuzu cut the ropes that bound us and Damon, Zetsu, Hidan, and I suddenly found ourselves free and able to move again. I moved over to stand by Karin and slung and arm around her shoulders in a near-friendly manner. She glanced at me suspiciously, but I just grinned.

"Since we get along so well now, Karin, I'm going to teach you a little lesson on how to get boys."

"I don't need one–" she began, but I interrupted her.

"The key is to be aggressive – guys like that kind of thing. So, when a guy's all hot and pissed about something, this is what you got to do."

I let go of Karin and took two steps across the forest floor to grab Sasuke's head and plant a big fat kiss on his lips. Sasuke was too surprised to do anything, and when I pulled away and punched him square in the nose, Sasuke was so surprised that he buckled to the ground instantaneously and completely unconscious.

"Sorry, Mini-Hottie," I said. "But I can't have Hottie killing you yet. It'd be such a waste."

"Oh wow…" said Suigetsu. "She kissed him and then knocked him out cold – I feel sorry for whatever son-of-a-bitch ends up marrying her. Domestic violence much?'

"Domestic violence only applies to those who obey the law," I said cheerfully. "So if I marry a criminal, no one cares – it's just two criminals being criminals."

"Yay for loopholes," muttered Kakuzu. "Saves me a legal fee."

"Well," said Madara-Tobi. "Let's leave. I can't stand another minute in this place."

"Let's blow this popsicle stand!" exclaimed Damon and he oh-so-heroically stole a kiss from Karin. Of course, he was then oh-so-unheroically punched in the jaw.

"Better luck next time," I said.

And so, Itachi, Kakuzu, Tobi, Hidan, Damon, and I headed off into the horizon back to the Akatsuki hideout that we all knew and loved so dearly. Zetsu followed after us, still munching away on Juugo's severed arm.

"You know," I said. "Hannah wouldn't like you being so cannibalistic. She prefers vegetarians."

"Wouldn't that be cannibalism for Zetsu too?" asked Damon.

I considered this. "Well, I don't think Hannah cares if he's cannicalistic in that sense. As long as he doesn't eat people of the same species as Hannah, I don't think she cares what kind of cannibal he is."

Zetsu looked from the arm to me and then back to the arm. He sighed forlornly. And, in amazement to us all, he chucked the arm over his shoulder and continued following after us. "Maybe we should eat more tofu," said Zetsu thoughtfully.

Rule Number Forty: The name of Hannah is a powerful weapon indeed – especially involving Zetsu…

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><p><strong>AN: This was such a fun chapter to write. I've currently planned the story up to chapter fifty-on though it will be much longer from there. This is sort of a ridiculously long Akatsuki story, isn't it? Oh well. I think there might actually be a plot soon! Imagine that! But, for all those of you that care - I have reached chapter forty! YAY! So, in honor of this special occasion, I think every single one of you should review. Okay? Oh, and fill out the poll on my profile. It seems that Zetsu and Deidara are the popular two...but I'm still between which one she should end up with if either of them. Anyways, REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!  
><strong>


	41. Whips and Leather

**Chapter Forty-One: Whips and Leather**

**_Rule Number Forty-One: Don't mess with Leader. He kicks ass on a regular basis. _**

**Kate**

Fear. Yes, fear has been my most constant companion throughout these many years. Like the time when the seven-year-old Hannah, Dessie, and I were playing at the park and a gigantic, angry dog appeared. Fear controlled me. Hannah and Dessie fought the dog – I ran away. So now, with no Dessie and no Hannah to protect me, fear was all I had.

"I'll tell you anything I know!" I wailed. "Just please don't hurt me!"

"Er…I haven't done anything yet."

Even if Ibiki had only just stepped into the room and already I was screaming as if I ad been tortured – hey, you have to admit the guy is terrifying to look at… especially when you're chained to a metal chair in the middle of an empty, stone room.

"You know," said Ibiki. 'For an Akatsuki member, you certainly are willing to give up information easily. Your partner – the blue guy – refuses to say a word."

"Oh, you've got that wrong," I said. "I'm not an Akatsuki member."

"Then who are you?" asked Ibiki curiously.

"I'm something more like a fake-Akatsuki whore… or at least, that's what Dessie calls us."

"Whore? For the Akatsuki? You sleep with them? I hate to say it, but with some of them…how do you _do_ that?"

My face turned a brilliant shade of red and I shook my head from side to side wildly. "Not like that! We're _fake_ whores. We're sold to a brothel and then we run away – so that Akatsuki gets to keep the money and they can sell us to another brothel."

Ibiki glanced at me suspiciously. "Whatever you say."

"I'm telling the truth!"

The door to the interrogation room opened and a Konoha shinobi stepped inside. Ibiki crossed the room and the two carried out a whispered conversation. Then, the two left and I was alone. Of course, my loneliness was not for long. The door opened again, about two minutes later, and a blond woman with huge knockers entered.

"Dessie would hate you," I said.

"Excuse me?" The woman stared at me in surprise.

"Your chest is bigger than hers," I explained. "Dessie is very proud of her chest."

The woman snorted. "Your name is…?"

"Katherine – Kate – Ann Marie Collins… And you are?"

"Tsunade, the fifth Hokage. I'm here to ask you a few questions."

"I'll tell you anything," I said. "Just don't hurt me."

Tsunade stared at me curiously. She walked across the room so that she was standing right in front of me and I had to look directly upwards to see her face. She frowned slightly and said, "You're a bit of a failure as a shinobi."

"I'm not a shinobi," I said.

"That's right… You called yourself a fake Akatsuki whore… Whatever that means."

"I explained it to Ibiki already… Did you not get the memo?"

"I find it hard to believe that a girl your age would willingly be a prostitute – especially one for the Akatsuki."

"I'm not. I'm a _fake_ whore – why doesn't anyone understand this?" I asked irritably. "I'm still a virgin, you know. And I plan to be one until I get married. So sorry to burst your bubble, but I am _not_ a whore."

Tsunade glared at me for a second and then sighed. "Okay, you're not a whore. So why are you staying with the Akatsuki. Surely they should have killed you by now."

"They surely should have," I said. "But I don't know why they haven't. You'll have to ask them that. But, of course, Kisame probably won't tell you anything – he's very loyal to the Akatsuki. Unlike me…" I shrugged.

"Do you know Kisame's weakness? Something to get him to talk?"

I thought about it for a second. "I don't know…force feed him shark?"

Once again, the door to the interrogation room opened and this time it was Ibiki who slipped inside. I smiled and greeted him as he entered, but Ibiki ignored me and instead muttered something in Tsunade's ear. The two of them left again, and I was alone.

The chains that tied me to the metal chair hurt. I shifted around uncomfortably and they rattled about. It made a sort of cool sound, and I started to jangle the chains to a rhythm. They clanged and clinked making an entertaining song that sounded like a cross between "Barney is a Dinosaur" and "Dora the Explorer".

BANG!

I looked up to see the door of the interrogation room flying open and a familiar blond fur ball came running inside, followed by a less enthusiastic Hannah.

"Hey, Kate." She greeted me with a little head nod.

Deidara started attaching some clay to the metal chains that bound me. I glanced at the clay nervously and then asked Hannah, "Are you sure this is safe?"

She shrugged. "Probably not. Especially since Deidara's doing the exploding."

"Thanks, Hannah, that's really reassuring…"

Deidara finished attaching the clay and stepped back, raising two fingers. "Katsu!"

The clay exploded and there was a sudden amount a heat around my wrists. Then, as soon as it had come, the pain was gone and the feel of metal around my wrists and ankles had disappeared. I leapt to my feet, kicking the chains away and then flung my arms around Hannah's neck.

"Thank you for rescuing me!"

"She did forget you in the first place, uhn," muttered Deidara.

Hannah detached herself from me and glared at Deidara. "You don't have to remind her of that fact, asshole."

"It's the truth."

Hannah rolled her eyes. "You wouldn't know the truth if it dressed in a Big Bird outfit and did the Macarena in front of you. Now can we get moving? I don't want to run into anyone. And we still have to find Kisame."

The three of us hurried out of the interrogation room and sprinted down the hallway. We didn't get far, however, and soon we found ourselves standing face to face with an annoying pinkette (who reminded me of Sonia) and a boy with black hair and a pale face (who was sort of cute).

"You again!" cried Sakura, pointing at us all in turn.

"You know," said Hannah. "It's rude to point."

"Hey," said Sai suddenly. "It's Cutie and Donkey Girl."

Hannah looked ready to murder while Deidara practically fell on the floor trembling with laughter. I, on the other hand, turned a brilliant shade of red and stammered, "Well… I mean… I'm not that cute…"

"Shut up," said Hannah as she hit Deidara on the shoulder (of course, this only made him laugh harder).

"Donkey Girl!" he exclaimed. "It describes you so perfectly, Little Miss Negativity. Hee-haw! Hee-haw!" He doubled over with fits of laughter.

"I'm just going to pretend I don't know any of you," decided Sakura.

"Can we get moving already," snapped Hannah. She turned to Sakura and Sai and asked, "Do you know where the blue guy is being held captive."

"Like hell I'll tell you!" shouted Sakura as she raised her fists.

Hannah sighed. "You make things unnecessarily difficult. I guess I could unleash the Deidara on you."

"_The _Deidara?" I asked. "You're upgrading him to be worthy of a 'the'?"

"Only in extreme circumstances," explained Hannah. "Deidara!"

"Yeah?" Deidara turned to her with a smile slowly spreading across his face. He knew what she was going to ask of him.

"Sick 'em, boy."

Deidara reached into his pouch and pulled out some clay. He was already grinning at Sakura and Sai as he formed several little birds with his hands. "Get ready to see the world in different colors!" cried Deidara. "Because art is a BANG!"

Sai leapt out of the way as one of Deidara's birds flew towards him. It exploded in a whirlwind of flame and Sai only just managed to dodge the blast.

"Wait!" I cried, grabbing hold of Deidara's arm. "Don't hurt him!"

"What?" Deidara stared at me incredulously. "The guy would kill you without a second though!"

"It's because he called her cute," explained Hannah irritably. "Kate, just because a guy calls you 'cute' he does not necessarily mean it."

"But…"

I never got to finish my protest, since, at that very moment, Sakura decided that would be a good time to punch Hannah in the face. Her fist came out of know where, drawing closer as it prepared to smack the life out of Hannah. Luckily, at the last second, Deidara deflected the punch and it hit one of the stone walls of corridor. The stone cracked into a thousand pieces and I cowered behind Hannah as I imagined getting it by _that_ punch.

Deidara drew back his fist and before Sakura knew what was going on, Deidara punched her in the nose.

Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed to the ground, unmoving. The four of us – Hannah, Deidara, Sai, and me – stood over her body, staring at her in surprise.

"I don't think I've ever seen you punch someone before, Deidara," said Hannah in awe.

"It turns you on, doesn't it?" said Sai as he bent over to pick up Sakura's fallen body.

Hannah scowled at Sai. "I don't think I can ever come to like you, asshole."

"That's okay," said Sai. "I don't think I can ever come to like you either."

"Then we have an agreement," said Hannah. "Good."

Sai picked up Sakura and placed her on his shoulders. With one glance back in our direction, he fled down the hallway, leaving the three of us alone to go find Kisame.

"He's so cute," I wailed as we wander down the corridor. "You wouldn't complain, Hannah, if I married him?"

"You sound just like Dessie," grumbled Hannah.

"Dessie's intentions are only perverted. Mine are thought with the purest of hearts."

"You're a closet pervert and you know it," said Hannah.

"And you aren't?" asked Deidara cheerfully. "I bet you're the type of girl who secretly has a whip and dresses up in leather. Then, when night comes along you go out partying and _get it on_."

My face turned bright red and I buried it in my hands. "What are you talking about, Deidara?"

"He's not even talking about you, Kate, and you still get embarrassed?" asked Hannah incredulously. "How do you handle being around Kisame so much? He's the biggest pervert of them all."

"Kisame doesn't talk about leather and whips though."

"Nah," said Deidara. "I'm the type of the badass girl with a whip – Kisame like the innocent bunny types."

"A girl with a whip?" asked Hannah, smirking. "Didn't you just say I'm the type to secretly own a whip? Is this a love confession?"

Deidara scowled and pulled a piece of clay out of his side bag. "I blow you to smithereens if you ever so much as mention the word 'love' around me again, you understand, bitch!"

Hannah shrugged. "You couldn't blow me up if you tried."

"Oh yeah?"

Deidara and Hannah had a cute little flirtation scene where they ran down the hallway while Deidara kept trying to shove a piece of clay into Hannah's mouth and make it explode – aw, the things we do for love…

Suddenly, during her flight from Deidara, Hannah ran – smack! – into the chest of Ibiki. She looked around and caught sight of his mangled face, her eyes rounding slightly. Deidara caught up to her and stopped, glaring at Ibiki suspiciously as I approached behind him.

"Hey, Ibiki!" I cried, waving at him enthusiastically. "Nice to see you again! I'm escaping!"

Ibiki glanced from me to Deidara to Hannah and then said, "Is she stupid or what?"

"Just stupid," replied Hannah. "You wouldn't happen to know where Kisame is, would you? The big blue guy who resembles a shark?"

Ibiki just glared.

Hannah sighed and stood up on tip-toe so that she could whisper something in Ibiki's ear. Deidara and I watched in fascination as Ibiki's expression changed from stubbornly confident, to horrified, and finally, to terrified.

"You wouldn't dare!" he cried as Hannah stepped away smirking.

"Wouldn't I?" asked Hannah. "You don't know what I'm capable of."

Ibiki swallowed. "He's in the room…third door to your left."

"Thanks," said Hannah and she patted him on the shoulder and walked past Ibiki to go find Kisame's room.

Deidara and I trailed after her, glancing pitifully in Ibiki's direction as we passed. I leaned over and muttered to Deidara, "You know, I really _do_ think she'd be the type to own a whip and dress in skimpy leather clothes."

"I heard you," Hannah called back over her shoulder.

"Heard what?" I asked.

We found Kisame's room easy enough. It was similar to mine with four stone walls and only one door. Unlike me, however, Kisame was hanging upside down, by chains descending from the ceiling and cuffed about the ankles. As all the blood rushed to his face, Kisame was turning a brilliant shade of purple. He smiled when he caught sight of us and tried to wave, but his hands were chained down too.

"I think we should leave him there," said Deidara. "And take bets on how long he lasts."

"I say twelve hours," said Hannah.

"You guys!" I cried. "That's rude! Hurry up and get him down from there, Deidara!"

With a sigh, Deidara set to the task of attaching clay to the chains and then blowing them up. Kisame fell to the ground with a nasty thud and, as Kisame got to his feet, Deidara added, "You're lucky Kate was here to help you."

Kisame laughed and – rather clumsily – threw his arms around me in a big bear hug. "That's because Kate's my little cutie-pie!"

My face turned bright red and I covered it with my hands.

"Remember," said Hannah as she made her way towards the exit. "Just because a guy calls you cute, he doesn't necessarily mean it."

"That's right, Hannah," said Deidara. "Just because I say I think you're cute, for all you know I could be lying."

Kisame scowled at the both of them. "Don't brainwash Kate!"

"I can't help it that she's easily manipulated," said Hannah.

The four of us hurried down the corridors of the prison, laughing and teasing one another the whole way. Eventually, we found the exit and stepped outside into the cool breeze of Konoha. Of course, this peace only lasted us a brief moment, as a gigantic explosion sounded from the other side of Konoha.

"What now?" Kisame asked irritably.

"That's probably Leader," said Hannah. "His job was to distract the Konoha shinobi while we came and found you. Konan's with him, I think."

We made our way through the streets of Konoha (the ones that haven't been blown up yet) until we found ourselves gazing upon Leader and Naruto. The two were fighting amidst the rubble and ruins of Konoha. Konan stood a little to the side, watching with wary eyes.

"Hey, Leader!" shouted Deidara, waving his arms above his head. "Look who we found!" He pointed at Kisame and me and we awkwardly waved at Leader.

"Oh good," said Leader as he walked away from his fight with Naruto. "Can we leave now?"

"Yep. We found everyone again," said Deidara. "Now let's get out of this place. I swear if I have to spend another minute here, I'll blow the whole place into little tiny pieces."

"Like you haven't done that already," muttered Hannah.

Leader and Konan made their way through the rubble to where the rest of us waited. However, Naruto came sprinting after them, his eyes narrowed with anger.

"What are you doing!" shouted Naruto. "We have a fight to finish!"

Leader rolled his eyes and turned to Naruto. "Be glad I'm leaving now, Blondie. Or I will rip the rest of your pathetic little village into tiny shreds and you'll have no where to live except in little huts in the forest. I got what I came for and you're village is saved – partially – I think that's a pretty good bargain."

Naruto gawped at Leader. "How is that a good bargain!"

Hannah patted Naruto on the shoulder. Rule Number Forty-One: "Don't mess with Leader. He kicks ass on a regular basis."

"Let's go!" shouted Deidara.

And, leaving a very confused Naruto behind, we all up and left Konoha and returned to the hideout for the umpteenth time.

* * *

><p>"Hannah! Kate! You're alive!"<p>

Dessie sprinted across the room and flung her arms around our necks delightedly. "How was your adventure?"

"Okay," I mumbled. "Hannah regained her memory and I was captured by Konoha after the Akatsuki forgot Kisame and me in a pile of rubble."

Dessie laughed. "Nice! I wish I'd thought of that – of didn't think of that… whichever one it is. We ran into Sasuke and Team Hebi." She smiled at the memory. "Hotties in every direction! It was heaven!"

Hidan scoffed and scowled at Dessie, apparently he was not to pleased with her Hottie Heaven.

"Well," I said. "I'm glad we're all back in one piece."

"Except Juugo," added Kakuzu. "He's missing an arm."

Dessie rolled her eyes. "He has Zetsu to thank for that. Hannah – you really ought to control you husband better."

"Where's Sonia?" asked Damon as he made his way across the living room to give Hannah and me hugs.

"We sent her back home," said Leader stiffly. "I'm sure her – um – parents were missing her terribly."

"Basically he means that he couldn't stand another minute listening to her loud screechy voice and he threw her into the blue orb," explained Deidara as he returned from a trip to the kitchen.

"Fair enough," said Damon. "I should probably head home too then."

"At least _someone_ goes home willingly," muttered Leader.

"Well," said Damon turning to face the Akatsuki. "It was nice knowing you. Hidan, good luck – I admire your ability to love _that thing_."

Hidan scowled at Damon and waved his scythe at Damon irritably. "I'm going to sacrifice you to Jashin-sama if I ever see you again."

Damon laughed and completely ignored Hidan's threats. "Deidara, try not to blow Hannah up – she's much more fun in one piece. And Leader, Konan – when you get married can you please invite me to your wedding."

All three of them looked ready to murder Damon where he stood.

"Zetsu," Damon continued. "I wish you the very best of luck with your wife – I know she can be a bit difficult to manage, but you seem to do a pretty good job of it. Also, try not to eat Deidara."

Zetsu nodded once and smiled in the direction of Hannah, who shifted awkwardly.

"Tobi," added Damon. "Say away from Kate. Also, you have very good taste in nunus."

With a giggle, Tobi sprinted across the room and buried Damon in a hug. "Damon is a good boy!"

'Yeah, yeah," said Damon, managing to wiggle free of Tobi's grasp. "I know. Kakuzu, you should practice poker a little more and maybe you can beat Dessie one day. Oh! And Itachi, you should smile more."

Itachi glared at Damon. "Hn…"

"And finally, last but not least," said Damon, turning to face Kisame with a smile. "Stay – away – from – Kate."

Kisame grinned. "Can't promise nothing."

I turned bright red and grabbed Damon by the sleeve. "Let's go!" I cried and practically dragged him down to the basement with Hannah and Dessie following.

"You shouldn't say such things!" I wailed.

"I thought it was funny," said Hannah with a shrug.

Dessie nodded. "Only you actually care, Kate – and maybe the Akatsuki…"

"Well," said Damon, giving each one of us a final hug. "I'll see you soon, I hope. Are you ever coming back to our world?"

"Maybe," said Dessie with a shrug. "I kind of like it here."

"Me too," I said, shuffling about nervously. "Even if it is really scary…"

"You're scared of everything," pointed out Damon. "So I guess it's a miracle that you can stay here so long. Well, I've got to go!" And with that, he stepped into the blue orb. There was a flash of blue light and when we regained our vision Damon was gone.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hahaha such a fun chapter to write... Yeah, I think I've decided who Hannah will end up with, but I'm not telling you so for now you'll have to live with the Zetsu/Hannah/Deidara love triangle - YAY! Story plan has been written out to 61 chapters and still going... hmm... I wonder if I can reach one hundred... then again, that's a loooong way to go. **

**Oh! And - can you believe it - I maxed out spelling errors on Word. With all the "you misspelled 'Deidara' because it's not an English word" etc I ended up having too many errors and Word quit recognizing them. hahaha I didn't even know that was possible...hmm... I should complain. **

**Anyways, the good news is my sickness is - somewhat - over. Now I have to live through the hellish asthma attacks that follow. yaaaay... **

**Now, if you have not already, please fill out the poll on my profile about who Hannah should end up with. And, REVIEW! I AM FINALLY OVER 400 REVIEWS! YAAAAAAY! I'm doing the extremely embarrassing happy dance which should never be seen in public! Thank you to all of you who reviewed! You're all amazing, beautiful, spectacular, and fantastical! Now, please continue being all those things and review this chapter as well!  
><strong>


	42. To Hold Council

**Chapter Forty-Two: To Hold Council **

**_Rule Number Forty-Two: When Leader calls for silence – shut up. _**

**Hannah**

"We've all gotten lazy recently."

I glanced around Kisame's hulking body to stare at Leader. He stood behind the desk at the head of the Meeting Room. Konan stood behind him, her hands clasped together neatly. The rest of the Akatsuki (and the rest of us) crowded around the desk, listening intently as Leader spoke.

"I know," continued Leader. "That we were busy travelling between different dimensions and rescuing people from Konoha and Team Hebi – but that's not excuse! We have been extremely lazy and now the Akatsuki is running low on cash! So, do you have any suggestions as to what we can do to earn some money?"

"We could go fetch some bounties," pointed out Kakuzu.

"Good," said Leader. "Anyone else?"

"Well," said Konan thoughtfully. "We haven't sold our fake-whores to a brothel recently."

"Oh yeah…" said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "That's why we keep them around."

"Great," muttered Dessie. "I just _love_ being sold as a prostitute."

Kisame grinned. "You know you secretly like it."

"Shut up, Fish Fry," snapped Dessie and she threw her shoe at his head – hard.

"Anyways, distractions aside," said Leader. "I've decided what to do."

Everyone stopped arguing and turned to listen to Leader. Rule Number Forty-Two: When Leader makes a decision, listen. His violent nature stops for no man – or woman.

"Hidan and Kakuzu, you two will chase down a bounty of your choice. Itachi and Kisame, you will do the same. Tobi and Deidara, you two will take the girls to a brothel and sell them. And I expect you all to return with _all the money you earned_." He shot a warning glare in the direction of Kakuzu.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Kakuzu innocently.

After a long and tiring debate between Leader and Kakuzu that I didn't really bother paying attention to, we set off on our new missions. The journey was faster than I expected and, after only a day of travelling, we found ourselves halfway to the city where the targeted brothel was located. Deidara and Tobi made camp and sent Dessie, Kate, and I out to get firewood. The three of us wandered about the forest, searching for fallen bits of wood that would make good to burn.

"I don't want to be sold to another brothel…" said Kate.

"Quit whining," snapped Dessie. "Think of it as payment for staying with the Akatsuki. As Kakuzu would say – nothing is free in this world."

"But brothels are full of stinky, ugly, perverted old men!"

"As if we don't know that already," I muttered. "I've been sold to as many brothels as you have. You don't see Dessie or me complaining."

Kate scowled and picked up another piece of potential firewood. However, she did not speak another word of protest and she continued with her work. Dessie suddenly wandered off the path, her head of black hair disappearing behind the branches of many trees. Curiously, Kate and I chased after her and we found ourselves standing on the edge of a rushing river.

"Check this out!" cried Dessie. She stood out in the middle of the river, perched on the surface of a mossy rock. Her pile of firewood lay on the ground near the river, abandoned for more entertaining things.

"We're meant to be working," I said wearily.

"It's dangerous!" cried Kate.

Dessie rolled her eyes at the two of us and hopped to the next mossy rock on the river. "Come on! It's fun – a lot more fun that collecting firewood."

I scowled, but I placed my pile of firewood on the ground and followed Dessie out onto the river, jumping carefully from rock to rock, making sure I wouldn't fall. It was, actually, surprisingly fun – not that I'd ever admit that to Dessie.

"Are we done yet?" I asked her darkly.

"You're such a killjoy," said Dessie as she hopped further upstream. "Are you coming Kate?"

"But I could die!" wailed Kate. However, like I did, she fell under Dessie's lead and joined us on the river.

"This is stupid," I said grouchily. "Can we get back to work?"

Kate giggled. "You know you're having fun, Han–"

Kate's foot hit the wrong part of the rock and, with a gasp, she plunged beneath the surface of the rushing river, her blond head disappearing from my view.

"Kate!" Dessie and I cried, hopping rock by rock, back over to where she had fallen. "Kate!"

"What are Tobi's nunus doing?"

We both whipped around to see the orange mask of Tobi peeking out from his spot between the forest trees. The blond fur ball appeared too, standing on the beach beside our abandoned piles of firewood.

"Help Kate!" I screamed. "She slipped and fell!"

Deidara groaned and looked from the water back to me. "I'd better get something good out of this." And he dove beneath the surface.

Dessie and I stood on our rocks, peering at the river in search of Deidara or Kate's blond hair. Suddenly, a little ways down stream, they surface, Deidara carrying Kate over his shoulder. He swam across the river and dropped her on the shore, Dessie and I rushing to their sides.

"Is she okay?" asked Dessie.

"She's a failure of a human being," muttered Deidara. "Who would fall that easily?'

"Shut up," I snapped and pushed him out of the way.

"Is this all the thanks I get?" asked Deidara irritably. "I dive into a stupid river to save your friend and what do you do? Shove me out of the way like I'm so insignificant minor character!"

"Tobi wants to point out that Deidara is a minor character in Hannah-Nunu's life."

"No one asked your opinion, shithead!" shouted Deidara.

Kate opened her eyes and coughed weakly. "I'm still…alive?"

"Hell, yeah!" shouted Dessie. "If you ever die – or partially die – again, I will kill you!"

I sighed and sat back on the beach. "Dessie, there are so many things wrong with that statement."

"Does it look like I care?" asked Dessie angrily. "No. So shut up."

"She's as angelic as always," muttered Kate.

There was a loud splash as Deidara shoved Tobi into the river. Then, the blond fur ball marched over to the beach and sound down between Kate and me. "I saved her life, he declared. "I am allowed to sit by her."

"Whatever you say," I said and got to my feet. "I'm going to bring the firewood back to camp."

As I gathered up the firewood, I couldn't help but notice that Kate's face was a brilliant shade of red as she gazed at Deidara. Great… here we go again…

* * *

><p>"Dessie!" I hissed, prodding the girl in the side.<p>

She rolled up in her sleep and squinted at me, wearily. "What do you want, bitch?"

"We need to hold council. You, me, and Kate."

"Why? And why in the middle of the night?" asked Dessie, swatting my head irritably.

"Because that way Tobi and Deidara are both sleeping and we don't have to worry about being overheard," I snapped. However, Dessie showed no signs of getting up and I resorted to the last possible tactic. I grabbed her by the ankle and dragged her out of the blankets so that she was being hauled across the grass.

"I'm up, bitch!" Dessie hissed angrily. "I'm up!"

"Good, now I'll go get Kate."

Kate was, thankfully, much easier to wake. I prodded her once of twice and she sat up in bed, eyes wide in surprise. "What'd I miss?" she asked.

"At least you didn't call me 'bitch'," I muttered. "Come one, Kate, we're holding council."

I led my two friends away from camp. Not so far that we couldn't see the dimly burning fire, but far enough that if Deidara or Tobi were to wake up, they wouldn't be able to hear our conversation. I squatted on the ground and indicated that Dessie and Kate should do that same.

"Okay," said Dessie. "What's up? And talk quickly before I fall asleep again."

"So pleasant," I muttered. But I followed Dessie's commands and got straight to the point. "Kate, do you have _another _crush – this time on Deidara?"

Kate turned a vivid shade of red and Dessie looked around wildly, her eyes wide in surprise.

"Whoa!" cried Dessie, a little too loudly. "You're kidding right? I thought Deidara and Hannah always had a thing!"

"Shh!" hissed Kate. "Not so loudly."

I glared at Dessie, but decided to ignore her inappropriate comment. "Kate, what have I told you about falling in love with the Akatsuki – it can only have disastrous consequences."

"B-b-but," stammered Kate.

"No buts!" I cried.

"Ignore her," Dessie told Kate. "Hannah's just jealous because before now she didn't have any rivals for Deidara's love."

"Dessie…" I hissed, my tone low and deadly. "If you say one more thing about there being a relationship between Deidara and me, I swear I will do a Leader on you and you'll wake up with some important body parts missing."

Dessie snickered. "You know you love me."

Suddenly, there was the rustle of leaves and the three of us glanced around madly, trying to find the source of the sound. Something soft and light landed on top of my head and I spun around to find myself face-to-face with the orange mask of Tobi.

"Hannah-Nunu looks so pretty with her flower crown!" cried Tobi excitedly.

I grabbed hold of the daisy chain resting on top of my head and ripped it to shreds angrily. "Tobi! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

Tobi frowned. "Tobi is sorry, Hannah-Nunu… Tobi didn't mean to hurt Hannah-Nunu like that…"

"You didn't hurt me…"

"Well, bitches," said Dessie as she got to her feet. "I'm exhausted. I'm going back to bed. And the next asshole who decides to wake me up is going to be in a world of hurt." She made her way through the forest back to the campsite, where she collapsed back on her blankets and promptly fell back to sleep.

* * *

><p>Deidara and Tobi sold the three of us for five thousand apiece (a number Kakuzu would have been very proud of). And then, with a solute farewell, Deidara and Tobi left the three of us to our own devices within the hell of perverted men. It was not as though a brothel was a stranger to us. We had been to more brothels than most perverted men and we knew how things went down in places like this.<p>

The other prostitutes help us clean ourselves up and then we were to wait downstairs until some crazy old pervert decided we were pretty enough to pay for.

Dessie was bought first out of the three of us (no surprise there, but once she opened her mouth the old man would be regretting his decision). Dessie bounded off with an unusual amount of enthusiasm to find her customer. No doubt she was looking forward to the chance of beating someone up. Her violent urges had been subsided recently.

"She's a little bit too used to a brothel now," observed Kate stiffly.

"True," I said. "Most teenage girls go to a movie theater to hang out – we go to a brothel. What's more fun that hating perverted old men?"

"I don't know…" muttered Kate. "Everything else?"

"Hannah!" someone called out.

I looked up to see the head mistress standing in the doorway. I rose to my feet with a wave to Kate and made my way across the room.

"Someone has bought you for the night," declared the headmistress. "Come this way."

She led me upstairs into a plain room. I sat on the floor and waited for the customer to come up. Already, I was planning my escape and how I should torture him so that he would never think of returning to a brothel again.

The door opened and someone stepped inside.

I gawped.

I had been to my fair share of brothels, but never – and I mean never – have I seen a customer dressed so strangely. The man whore white riding gloves and chainmail with a heavy metal knight's helmet placed over his head.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked.

"You may no recognizeth me," said the man grandly. "But I recognizeth you."

"What the…"

"I," announced the knight-man. "am Sir."

"Sir?" I asked. "Sir what?"

"Just Sir."

"Oh… That's a lame name…"

Sir decided to ignore my comment and instead he stepped forward grandly, raising a heavy wooden club above his head. "And I am here to kidnap you!" And as the club came crashing down on my skull, all I could think was how pitiful it was that I was knocked unconscious and kidnapped by an idiot like that.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yay! Due to his surprising popularity, Sir is back! Yay! Also, after about six hours of working yesterday, I finished the chapter plan (which is about 27 pages on Word and only began at chapter 30...) and this story will go on until chapter 88. Now, until then I have a goal. My goal is to reach 1,000 reviews. Okay, this is probably over ambitious and a goal I can't really reach myself, but I would REALLY like it if you all helped me with that goal. So, I say: please help me and make my day and REVIEW!  
><strong>


	43. A Drunken Brawl

**Chapter Forty-Three: A Drunken Brawl **

**_Rule Number Forty-Three: Avoid Jiraiya, he is the biggest pervert you will ever meet. _**

**Dessie**

I sat on the floor of the brothel room and waited, rather determinedly, for my customer to arrive. I was actually sort of excited - my fists hadn't been unleashed in a long while and now, I had an excuse to use them.

The door to the brothel room opened and my customer stepped inside. I smiled, ready to kick his ass – then, I froze.

"You!" I cried in horror.

The customer turned to stare and, slowly, recognition dawned in his mind and his pointed at me wildly. "You!"

That long, white hair and a wart on his nose with two red lines trailing down from his eyes like tears – it was my first customer! The first time the Akatsuki had abandoned me at a brothel and my first customer had been some old guy with a wart on his nose! He was back! Back to haunt me!

"What are you doing here?" I asked angrily. "Don't tell me you're my customer – _again_."

"Why are you still a prostitute!" asked the old man. "You were a failure of a prostitute the first time I met you and you're still a failure of a prostitute!"

"Well excuse me for being terrible at selling my body!" I screamed. "Old man! Pervert! Get out of my sight!"

"I paid for you fair in square!" shouted the old man. "And by God I'm going to get some!" And, before I knew exactly what was going on, the old man lunged at me, his eyes wide with perverted desires.

I screamed and – at the last second – I lunged out of the way. The old man landed face first on the floor. He lay there for a moment, groaning and then he rolled over and asked, "What's your name, fake prostitute?"

"Desdemona Lee – and you are?"

"Jiraiya…"

"Well," I said with a bow. "I'd say it was nice to meet you again, Jiraiya – but it wasn't. So I bid you farewell and I hope we never meet again." And then I fled the room in search of Hannah and Kate.

Kate was easy enough to find. Seconds after I had left Jiraiya on the floor, Kate came sprinting out of her room, screeching at the top of her lungs. Her customer (an extremely ugly man with a wrinkly face) came chasing after her, squealing with delight at the chase.

"Kate!" I cried and caught of hold of her arm, bringing her to a halt beside me. "What's up?"

"Oh hi, Dessie," she said. "You were quick."

Kate's customer slowed to a halt at the sight of me and he grinned villainously, wiggling his fingers in excitement. "The number of hot babes had doubled… shall we make this a threesome."

I stared at him for a total of three seconds and then kicked him in his weak spot. "Ugly as hell," I announced. "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last human being on earth. Now pick up your ugly-ass and get out of my sight before I decide that you don't deserve to be a man anymore."

The customer let out a groan and, trembling in fear, he slowly crawled away, clutching his manly bits.

"Dessie," said Kate, letting out a sigh of relief. "If you weren't a girl, I would marry you."

"Sorry," I said, turning to look for Hannah. "You're not hot enough for me to marry."

Before Kate could protest, I led her down the hall in search of Hannah. We checked every room (even occupied ones) and could find no sight of her. Finally, we opened one and saw a suspicious looking man standing in the windowsill with an unconscious Hannah slung over his shoulders.

"What the hell?" I asked, staring at Hannah's kidnapper. I had seen many perverts in my time, but none as strange as him. He seemed like the type who fancied himself a medieval knight and dressed in chainmail and wore a gigantic knight's helmet proudly.

"Oh-ho!" cried the knight. "So you've discovered me! But it's too late, fair maidens, for I have kidnapped your precious damsel!"

"Dear Warg!" I yelped. "Can I kill him?"

"Sir!" cried Kate, stepping forward. "It's Sir!"

"Sir what?"

"Just Sir," explained Kate.

I yelped again and covered my ears. "Not only does he dress lamely, he also has a lame name! Why? Why must I put up with this shit!"

"Don't insult my name!" shouted Sir. "And I beg pardon for I mistook your role! You are not a fair maiden, but rather an ugly step-sister whose heart is as ugly as her face!"

I froze and slowly lowered my hands to my sides. I stared at Sir, my face slowly contorting with rage. "What did you just say?"

"Ugly step-sister!"

Before I could castrate Sir, Kate cut across me and asked, "But what do you want with Hannah, Sir?"

"Oh-ho-ho-ho!" (I was going to murder this guy soon)

"You can't be working for Orochimaru," said Kate. "Because he's dead… So why?"

"Because," said Sir. "I don't like being humiliated!"

"So… kidnapping has to do with it why?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of my desire to kill.

"I will use Hannah to lure Kisame – the cowpat who defeated me – out of hiding and then, when Kisame least expects it I will challenge him to a duel!"

Kate and I stared blankly at Sir.

"Firstly," I said. "Wouldn't it be better to kidnap Kate for things like this? And secondly, why don't you just kill him rather than challenge him to a stupid duel? Assassination is much more efficient."

Sir glared at me. "I wouldn't expect anything different from a frightened coward – duels are not for the faint-hearted such as yourself."

I would have killed Sir right then and there. I would have turned him into a pile of mince meat if I had not been distracted by the arrival of Jiraiya. The old man slid into the room, his arms outstretched like a zombie as he caught sight of me (and my beautiful chest which, I have to admit, is irresistible to any man).

"Dessie!" cried Jiraiya excitedly. "We have a date with the bed!"

"Who is he?" asked Sir and Kate in unison.

I glowered at Sir and then turned to Jiraiya. "Now's a really bad time, you know."

"I want some!" wailed Jiraiya.

Slowly, I glanced at Sir and then to Jiraiya, a plan forming in my mind. "Okay, Jiraiya. I'll sleep with you – but first you have to get Hannah back from that idiot," I pointed at Sir, "And then let me beat the shit out of said idiot."

Jiraiya glanced at me suspiciously (especially at my irresistible chest) and then he nodded in agreement. "Deal."

Kate and I stood back to watch as Jiraiya turned to face Sir. The battle between the two was brief. Sir, being a decent shinobi, managed to put up some sort of a fight, but he was no match for the perverted sage – even more so when the perverted sage had the promise of sex as a reward. Within five minutes, Sir was knocked unconscious and Jiraiya handed Hannah back to us, grinning confidently.

"Now," said Jiraiya, wrapping one arm around my shoulders. "How about we have some fun."

I smiled at him sweetly. "Jiraiya, my friend, how long have we known each other?"

He thought about this. "About twenty minutes in total…"

"Then you should know," I said. "I lie."

I kicked him between the legs. Then, while Jiraiya was trying to pick himself off the ground, I grabbed Kate and Hannah and ran like all of hell was after me.

I piggybacked the unconscious Hannah while Kate darted after me. We ran right out of the brothel and down the street. Before selling us, Deidara and Tobi had promised to wait at a ramen stall so that when we managed to escape the brothel we would know where to find them. Now, Kate and I fled from the perverted Jiraiya in search of the ramen stall. We found in easily enough, guided by the sound of Tobi's awful singing.

When we arrived at the stall we found that both Deidara and Tobi were terrible drunk and were now singing a duet much to the delight of the ramen vendor.

"Hey look!" cried Deidara, pointing somewhere in our direction. "They're back already!"

"Dessie-Nunu!" wailed the drunken Tobi. He sprinted to me and flung his arms around my neck, unaware that in doing so he had punched the unconscious Hannah in the face. Unable to hold her up, I dropped Hannah and she slid off my back and fell to the floor with a heavy thud.

"Ah!" cried Deidara, hurrying over. "Look what you did, Tobi, you idiot!"

"Oopsie!" Tobi giggled. "Tobi didn't mean to hurt Hannah-Nunu!"

Deidara squatted beside Hannah's head and prodded her forehead. Suddenly, Deidara let out a very unmanly giggle. "Who's the badass one _now_?"

I rolled my eyes and hit Deidara in the back of the head. "Great… Hannah's unconscious and we're being chased by a perverted sage and – on top of all that – Tobi and Deidara are drunk. We are so screwed…"

Kate nodded in helpless agreement and avoided making eye contact with Deidara.

"Who's the pervert chasing after you?" asked Tobi with a drunken giggle. "Madara will kick his ass whoever he is."

"Does it matter who it is?" I asked. "Unless Madara's sober while Tobi's drunk – which I seriously doubt – I don't think he's in any shape to kick anyone's ass."

"Bleeeeeh," groaned Tobi. "Madara is the most kickass guy around. Sober or not."

"Whatever you say," I muttered.

Suddenly, there was the sound of running and someone flung their hairy arms around my neck. I felt a wave of white hair surround me and Jiraiya, the perverted sage, cried out, "I found you, Dessie-chan!"

I mouthed "Help me" in Kate's direction, but, of course, she couldn't do anything.

Tobi, however, stepped forward and pointed rather drunkenly at Jiraiya. "What are you trying to do with Tobi's nunu, you pervert!"

"I'm trying to get what I was promised!" shouted Jiraiya in slurred tones.

"Well guess what!" shouted Tobi, his words jumbling together just as much as Jiraiya's were. "No one touches Madura's nunu without Madara's permission. Tobi's gonna kick your ass – and so will Madara!" Tobi giggled. "We're a badass pair, you know – we're going to kick your ass twice!"

"Try me!" shouted Jiraiya, still refusing to let go of me.

"This is stupid," I announced. "I'm not going to get in the middle of a drunken brawl."

"Shut up," mumbled Jiraiya. "I'm busy trying to beat up this supposed badass."

"No you're not," I told him. "You're trying to rape me."

"You owe me," muttered Jiraiya.

"Let go of Tobi's nunu!" shouted Tobi. He staggered forward and drew his fist back, preparing to punch Jiraiya. Unfortunately, Tobi did not seem to realize that my head was in the way of his fist and Jiraiya's head. And I received the full power of Tobi's drunken punch.

"Ow!" I cried, shoving Jiraiya's hands off me so that I could clutch my bleeding nose. "Dear Warg – what are you thinking Tobi!"

Instead of replying, however, Tobi collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

"Crap…" I muttered, still pinching my nose as blood spurted out between my finger tips. "So not cool!"

Deidara suddenly got to his feet and turned to regard Jiraiya and I. "Will you all shut the hell up! Hannah is sleeping! Shh…"

I glowered at him, still trying to stop the bleeding. "You're being louder than all of us put together, Deidara you idiot!"

"Shut up, whore!" shouted Deidara drunkenly.

Kate reached out a hand to pat Deidara's shoulder awkwardly (of course he face was bright red as she did this). "How about we all calm down and discuss the problem like gentlemen…"

"Hell no!" shouted Deidara. "I want to pummel each one of these idiots to death!"

"I want what I'm owed!" shouted Jiraiya. He grabbed my by the wrist, pulling my hand away from my nose so that more blood came spilling out. "Sleep with me already, Dessie-chan!"

"You bastard!" I cried, clutching my nose. "You made it bleed more!" And then, I punched Jiraiya in the eye. And, with the help of alcohol, he toppled over and lay on the ground, unmoving.

"This is too weird…" muttered Kate.

And then Deidara collapsed too.

"I second that notion," I muttered. "How about we grab Hannah and the three of us head back to the hideout alone?"

"But Deidara and Tobi…"

"Are annoying pests who I hope will learn their lesson after being abandoned and will never drink on the job again."

Kate considered this for a second. "Okay."

And that was how our mission went. Rule Number Forty-Three: Avoid Jiraiya, he is the biggest pervert you will ever meet – an even bigger pervert than Kisame and _that_ is saying something.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Reviews make me happy... You all review, which means that you make me happy. And when I'm happy, I update - which makes you all happy. It is an endless circle of happiness! And you know what the conclusion is? You should review! Don't make the Akatsuki bring out their puppy eyes again...  
><strong>


	44. Love Guru Fails

**Chapter Forty-Four: Love Guru Fails **

**_Rule Number Forty-Four: Watch out for Kisame_**

**Kate**

Our arrival back at the hideout was less than heroic. I mean, sure, we brought back tons of money and all that, but the fact that we had gotten kidnapped by someone like Sir and left Deidara and Tobi behind as punishment. While Hidan and Kisame (and Itachi, I think he smiled slightly when we told them the story) certainly thought it was funny, Leader was less than amused. He "couldn't care less as long as money was a result".

And then, of course, Deidara was less than happy with the ways things had turned out. How was he supposed to feel when he woke up with a massive hangover in a bed next to Tobi and Jiraiya? Basically, Deidara was furious and tried to blow all three of us girls to hell. And then, Tobi felt guilty and spent a total of three days chasing after Hannah and Dessie begging them for forgiveness. I don't think he cared much if I forgave him or not (which I did).

Along with out less-than-heroic arrival back at the hideout, I also found something suspicious going on between Hannah and Kisame. The day after we returned, Hannah told Kisame she had something to tell him in private and dragged Kisame to the kitchen. When Tobi and I tried to follow, Hannah kicked us both out.

This was suspicious. It is known throughout the entire Akatsuki that out of the three of us girls, _I_ am the closest to Kisame – so why was Hannah having secret meetings with Kisame in the kitchen!

Well, I found out the answer soon enough when Kisame pulled me aside into his and Itachi's bedroom (Itachi was lying on his bed reading, but no one really cared if he was there or not, Itachi makes sure not to get involved with others' matters).

"So is it true?" asked Kisame.

"Is what true?" I asked curiously.

Kisame leaned over and whispered loudly in my ear, "Do you have a crush on Deidara?"

My face turned a brilliant shade of red and suddenly I knew exactly what Hannah and Kisame had been talking about in their Secret Kitchen Meeting – Hannah had been ratting on me! And now, the Love Guru was plotting my demise.

"N-n-n-no…" I stammered. "I d-d-d-don't…"

"You're a horrible liar," said Kisame. "But don't worry – the wonderful and all might Love Guru is here to help!"

I cringed. "That's what I'm afraid of…"

"What was that?" asked Kisame. "I didn't hear you?"

"Nothing…"

Suddenly, Itachi closed his book and got up from his bed, giving us all a deathly glare before exiting the room. He paused, however, in the doorway and looked back at us both. "You're idiots," he declared, and then left.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

I never got to find out, for at that very moment Leader decided to call a meeting (with death threats aimed at those who arrived late). So, the Akatsuki, Dessie, Hannah, and I gathered in the meeting room to listen to what Leader had to say.

"This hideout is filthy," announced Leader.

"It's not so bad!" shouted Hidan.

"Shut up," snapped Leader. "I've seen the condition of your bathroom/sacrificial chamber and I know that you're in no shape to judge what is clean and what isn't."

Hidan glared.

"Anyways," continued Leader. "I've decided that we're all going to spend a day cleaning the hideout."

The Akatsuki grumbled and cursed, but none of them dared to cross Leader once he had made up his mind.

"Konan has a list of what all your chores will be, and I expect you all to clean your own rooms. We may be S-ranked criminals," added Leader. "But that doesn't mean we have to act like poverty-stricken street urchins who can only pick-pockets for a living."

"Yeah," muttered Kakuzu. "Because you did enough of that as a kid."

Leader glared. "I have no problem will killing you – even if you are a part of the Akatsuki."

"I don't know why you'd do such a thing," said Kakuzu innocently.

"Hm…"

The Akatsuki checked their names on the chore list supplied by Konan and then they set to work. Just as I started to leave the room to help Dessie and Hannah with their job of cleaning the living room, Kisame stopped me at the doorway and pulled me to the side.

"Guess what," he hissed.

"What?" I asked, somewhat nervously.

"Deidara and I are supposed to be cleaning the toilets together!"

"So?"

"So," said Kisame impatiently. "That means that you and I can trade places and _you_ can clean toilets with Deidara. You can confess to him."

I stared at Kisame incredulously. "You want me to confess my love over a _toilet bowl_!"

Kisame nodded enthusiastically.

"You must want me to get rejected, don't you?" I muttered.

"Now why would I want that?" asked Kisame, somewhat forcefully.

But, of course, I had absolutely no reply to that question. And so, I found myself kneeling on the disgusting bathroom floor next to Deidara scrubbing toilets together (such a romantic setting).

"I think we should just blow them up!" cried Deidara. "Then we wouldn't have to clean these shitty toilet bowls."

I blushed bright red and stammered uselessly, "But th-th-then we couldn't go to the bathroom…"

Deidara shrugged. "We can just go squat behind a tree outside."

My face turned even brighter red. "B-b-but I'm a girl!"

Deidara glanced at me and looked up and down. Then, after a minute, he turned back to the toilet and continued scrubbing. "So you are, I never noticed before."

I blinked, stared, and then turned a brighter shade of red. Deidara thought of me as a girl! Slowly, I opened my mouth and began: "Deidara, you know, I sort of l–"

SLAM!

The bathroom door flew open and Kisame fell – face first – onto the mucky bathroom floor. Behind Kisame, Hannah down the hallway outside of the bathroom, whistling innocently. She glanced down at Kisame's fallen body and grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry Kisame, I didn't mean to push you…"

Kisame leapt up and glanced at the toilet and then at Deidara and then at me. "You missed a spot!" he exclaimed and then darted out.

Deidara and I finished cleaning the toilets soon after and Deidara was moved to laundry duty with Itachi, while I was forced to clean with kitchen with Konan. However, while I was in the middle of scrubbing out the cupboards, Kisame came hurrying into the kitchen dragging Itachi behind him.

"Itachi has developed a sudden allergy to grass," explained Kisame. "And he needs to change places with Kate."

Konan glared at Kisame and then turned to Itachi. "Are you really allergic to grass?" she asked.

"Hn…" was all Itachi said.

"That's a 'yes'," translated Kisame.

"I thought that was a 'no'," said Konan. Then she shrugged. "I don't care. As long as I have help."

So, once again, Kisame took me from my regular job and stuck me with working with Deidara. And, once again, Deidara thought that blowing up all the laundry was the best solution (blushing and stammering I assured him it was not).

"You have no sense of art," Deidara told me grouchily.

"We're c-c-cleaning," I told him. "It's not s-s-supposed to be art."

I pinned another sheet on the clothesline while Deidara did the same with yet another Akatsuki cloak. We continued working in silence for awhile, neither one of us knowing what to say. Finally, I gritted my teeth and decided to get it over with – at worst, it would be another rejection.

"Deidara…"

"Uhn?"

"You know, I think I like y–"

SPLASH!

An entire bucket of disgusting and dirty smelling water fell on top of Deidara and my heads. We both stood there, side by side, completely frozen in anger and dripping wet. Slowly, we raised our heads to see Kisame and Zetsu standing out the roof of the hideout (they were cleaning out the gutters) and tipped over bucket clutched in Kisame's hands.

"Sorry!" he called out, waving apologetically at us. "It was an accident!"

Deidara was fuming. "What the h–" But before Deidara could threaten or curse Kisame, I beat him to it.

"Kisame, you idiot fish fry!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "What kind of a failure Love Guru are you! You can't even give me one successful confession without interrupting it miserably! What is wrong with you!'

Kisame scowled and, in one smooth movement, he jumped off the roof and came to stand in front of me. "You don't appreciate the Love Guru's efforts?" he asked angrily. "Well maybe the Love Guru doesn't want to help you any more. Maybe your love fortune is so terrible that the Love Guru can't even save you from the misfortune and despair you're bound to experience in the areas of love!"

"What are you talking about!" I screamed.

"I'm saying that I quit!" Kisame shouted back. And with that, he turned around and left me standing there, gawping at him.

Zetsu and Deidara stared at me quietly and then returned to their work.

"I really think this would be easier if I just blew up the laundry," muttered Deidara.

I felt like crying. Big fat tears welled up in my eyes and, before Zetsu or Deidara could stop me (not that they tried) I ran back into the hideout in search of Dessie or Hannah.

I found Hannah first (she was cleaning out the Meeting Room with Kakuzu) and I flung my arms around Hannah's neck, sobbing uncontrollably. She patted me awkwardly on the shoulder while mouthing "help me" in the direction of Kakuzu.

"I'm staying out of this one," he told her and headed off to the kitchen for a well deserved break.

"So what happened?" asked Hannah when she had finally managed to detach herself from me.

"Kisame quit being my Love Guru!" I wailed.

"Isn't that a good thing?" asked Hannah. "Kisame _is_ a crappy Love Guru."

"No!" I said, still sniffling slightly. "Kisame's mad at me now! Why is he mad at me? Tell me! Why is Kisame mad at me?"

Hannah snorted. Rule Number Forty-Four: "Beware Kisame's angst."

"What?"

"Nothing," said Hannah with a knowing smirk. "Why don't you go find Kisame and ask _him_ why he's filled with angst?"

"_Because_," I snapped angrily. "Kisame's mad at me. You know what, you're no use. I'm going to go find Dessie and see what she has to say!" And with that, I turned on my heels and stormed off in search of Dessie.

As I reached the door of the Meeting Room to leave Hannah behind, she called out one last thing to me: "Like Dessie can help you – she wouldn't realize if a guy loved her even if he confessed to her several times over!"

"What does love have to do with it?" I snapped back.

Hannah just laughed.

I found Dessie easily enough (she was having yet another shouting argument with Hidan while they attempted to mop the hallway floors). I stood there, staring at the two of them as they tried to lop one another's heads off with the mop handles. To be honest, even though they were shouted death threats at one another the entire time, they looked like they were having fun.

"Oh hey, Kate," said Dessie when she caught sight of me. She called a halt in the "Mop Fighting Champion Showdown" to stop and talk to me. "What's wrong?"

"Kisame quit being my Love Guru."

"Oh." Dessie laughed. "That's good. Kisame is a crappy Love Guru." (Behind her, Hidan nodded his head in agreement).

"And I think he's mad at me."

Dessie laughed even harder. "He's not mad at you. He's just messed up in the head."

"What?"

"Go ask him," said Dessie as she turned back to Hidan, raising her mop above her head as if about to strike someone. "Besides, I have a Mop War to finish."

With a heavy sigh, I left Dessie and Hidan to their games and went to search for Leader instead (maybe Leader was willing to help me with my problems). Leader was easiest of all to find since he was, as always, sitting in his office going through boring documents. I knocked on the door and stepped inside – Leader didn't even greet me.

"Leader, I need your help."

"Whatever it is," he said. "I don't care."

"Kisame quit being my Love Guru."

"I don't care."

"And I think he's mad at me."

"_I don't care_."

I stopped and sighed, apparently no one cared but Kisame and me. "Okay, thanks for your help, Leader."

"I don't care."

And with that, I left. I searched through the hallways and found Kisame standing in the kitchen talking rather angrily with Itachi and Konan (both who looked very, _very_ irritated by Kisame's presence). When they caught sight of me, I swear both Konan and Itachi wanted to sprint across the kitchen and hug me and thank me (which neither of them did, of course). Instead, they just walked out of the kitchen and shut the door behind them, leaving Kisame and me alone.

"You quit being my Love Guru," I announced.

"Yeah. Way to point out the obvious."

"Why?" I asked rather pathetically. Tears were started to well up in my eyes again. "Are you mad at me?"

Kisame scowled. And scowled harder. And scowled harder yet. Then, his face turned a deep shade of purple and he said, rather grouchily, "I kind of sort of may happen to like you just a little bit."

I stared. And stared some more. And then, my face turned a brilliant shade of red. "Oh…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The long awaited Love Guru chapter with the first couple formed - and we're only in chapter 44... hahaha I'm a bit slow with these things. Anyways, REVIEW! Tell me what you think of this new couple and the Love Guru's latest failure - REVIEW! (please...)  
><strong>


	45. A Much Needed Vacation

**Chapter Forty-Five: A Much Need Vacation**

**_Rule Number Forty-Five: Don't leave Hidan and Deidara alone_**

**Hannah **

The three of us, Kate, Dessie, and I sat on the ends of our beds and stared at one another. Dessie looked extremely angry, while I honestly didn't care one way or another. And Kate, of course, was in a cloud of happiness.

"Can you believe it?" she asked.

"No," snapped Dessie grouchily.

"Not really," I said honestly. "I really didn't expect you to get a boyfriend until you were at least thirty."

"But that's not true," said Kate happily, hugging her pillow in happiness. "Because I have a boyfriend! And you and Dessie don't!"

"I know," muttered Dessie. "I always thought I'd be married to some Hottie before you even had a guy confess to you or Hannah. And now look at it! Hannah's married and you're dating _Kisame_ – why am I the only one left boyfriendless!"

"You dated Itachi for awhile," I muttered.

"Yeah," said Dessie, cheering up a little. "But he wasn't very committed to our relationship."

"That's–"

My reply was cut short by the sound of a very loud, very obnoxious explosion. The three of us sat still of the beds, staring at the door from which the sound had come from. Then, there was a series of swearing (that could only belong to one person) and then the sound of yet another explosion.

"That's Deidara…" I said slowly.

"And Hidan…" added Kate.

"What are they up to so early in the morning," said Dessie slowly. "It sounds violent… Why didn't they invite me to join!"

She leapt off the bed and sprinted across the room to find out what violent thing was going on. Kate and I exchanged weary glances and Kate said, "I think the Akatsuki is a bad influence on her."

"Nah," I said. "She's always been like that. They're just an outlet for her violent nature."

"Yay…" muttered Kate. And then the two of us followed Dessie out the room.

As it turned out, Deidara and Hidan had woken up extra early this Saturday and, with nothing better to do, they decided to have a little showdown to see who the better shinobi was. Of course, their "little showdown" had resulted in half the hideout (which we had just cleaned) was destroyed. Rule Number Forty-Five: Don't leave Hidan and Deidara alone in the morning, it leads to an extremely big mess that no one likes to clean up.

The entire Akatsuki gathered in the Meeting Room and Leader glowered at Hidan and Deidara, his eyes flashing with a dangerous rage.

"And," said Leader, his voice low and venomous, "Did it ever occur to you that _if_ you were going to fight, you should take it _outside_ so would wouldn't _demolish_ our newly cleaned hideout?"

Hidan and Deidara exchanged sheepish glances. "No."

Konan smacked herself in the forehead. "They're all idiots."

"Hear, hear!" shouted Dessie.

"Shut up," snapped Leader. Then, he turned to regard Deidara and Hidan once again. "As punishment so that you two _boneheads_ don't decide to do something like this again, I am forcing the two of you to clean this hideout together – with absolutely no help from _anyone_."

"Oh!" cried Tobi, raising his hand high into the air and waving it around. "Pick Tobi! Pick Tobi!"

Leader sighed and rubbed his temples. "What is it, Tobi?"

"Tobi thinks everyone else should go on vacation while Hidan and Deidara clean out the hideout!"

Leader blinked – once, twice, three times – and then said, "Amazingly enough, that might actually be a good idea." He thought about it longer. "Even S-ranked criminals such as ourselves need a holiday now and then… You know… I kind of want to go swimming… lie out the sun in my new bathing suit and get a wonderful tan…"

We all stared blankly at Leader as he daydreamed. Itachi cleared his throat loudly and brought Leader back to reality.

"Right, right," said Leader. "Well, I second Tobi's decision. Everyone _except_ Deidara and Hidan will go on a much needed vacation… But where should we go?"

"Oh! Oh!" cried Tobi, raising his hand again.

"Yes, Tobi?"

"Suna! Tobi wants to go to Suna!"

"Don't they hate us there?" asked Kakuzu. "Because we kidnapped and killed their Kazekage or something like that."

"Eh," said Leader with a shrug. "They brought him back to life, so no one cares about the details."

"Oh," said Kakuzu, somewhat disappointed. "Then no one cares. Alright, let's go to Suna."

"Yay!" cried Dessie gleefully. "Plus, Zetsu and Hannah still have to go on their honeymoon."

"That's not fair!" shouted Deidara, cutting into Dessie's comment. "I deserve a vacation too – besides it was Hidan who started the fight!"

"And you're the one who blew up half the hideout," snapped Leader. "If you wanted to go one vacation you should have thought of that _before_ you two got into a gigantic fight and desecrated our hideout!"

Deidara scowled, but Leader refused to listen to any more of his and Hidan's protest. So, the rest of us packed our bags and, with an exceedingly cheerful (and somewhat taunting on Dessie's part) farewell to Hidan and Deidara, we all left for our much needed vacation in Suna.

* * *

><p>Leader, at least, had the sense not to let anyone bring their Akatsuki robes on vacation. We showed up at the hotel and rented some rooms (rather expensive rooms much to Kakuzu's horror) and then, after dropping our bags off in our rooms, we found the pool.<p>

Almost immediately, Leader and Kisame collapsed into the lawn chairs and let out identical sighs of relief.

"Now this is the life," said Kisame. "Relaxed. Relaxed. Relaxed."

"And now Hidan or Deidara screaming in my ears the whole time," added Leader.

"Wonderful thinking on your part," said Kisame.

Dessie put her hands on her hips and squinted at the pool. "I don't have a decent swimsuit," she announced to the world. "Konan, Kate, Hannah!"

"I don't like where this is going," I muttered.

Dessie ignored me and turned to us girls with a huge grin spread across her face. "We're going swimsuit shopping!"

"No," Konan and I said bluntly.

Kisame's eyes practically bugged out of their sockets and he rolled over to grin at Dessie. "Are you girls shopping for bikinis?"

Dessie smirked. "Who do you take me for, Kisame?"

"That's right," he said thoughtfully. "A girl as vain as you wouldn't think of wearing anything other than a bikini." He motions for Dessie to come closer, and, when she did, he whispered loudly in her ear, "Make sure you bring my girl back dressed in a _smokin' hot bikini_!"

Dessie laughed villainously while Kate's face turned a brilliant shade of scarlet.

"I won't let you down," said Dessie with a solute to Kisame.

"Good girl," said Kisame.

"Don't buy anything too expensive!" Kakuzu warned us. "Any excessive spending will be punished!"

"It's about style, not price!" Dessie called back over her shoulder. "And don't worry, Zetsu! I'll make sure to bring back a bombshell Hannah – and then you can brag about it to Deidara!"

And, with those miserable words, Dessie dragged Konan, Kate, and me down through the streets of Suna in search of a decent swimsuit store. Dessie found one rather quickly and dragged us inside. Almost immediately, she began pulling the most scandalous swimsuits off the racks and handing them to us. Konan refused to wear anything that didn't cover her stomach and, in the end, the two of them settled with a tankini. Unfortunately, Kate and I weren't so lucky.

"You look so hot in that one!" cried Dessie, clapping her hands excitedly as Kate came out of the dressing room in a new, blue bikini. "Kisame will be pleased."

Kate turned bright red. "You think so?"

"Of course!"

Kat squealed with pleasure and announced she was buying it (the traitor) and, unfortunately for me, Dessie refused to buy me anything that wasn't an ugly bikini.

"Come out of the dressing room, Hannah," coaxed Dessie. "It can't be _that_ bad."

"Oh yes it can, bitch," I snapped. "Now give me my clothes back!"

"Not until you come out of the dressing room and show me the bikini," said Dessie smugly. She waved my clothes in front of me and waltzed away from the dressing room, laughing maniacally.

"Evil!" I shrieked. "Ogre! I hate you, Dessie! I hate you!"

"Why don't you buy one?" asked Kate. "They're not too bad…"

"I have no desire to show off my less-than-impressive body to those perverts in the Akatsuki," I snapped. "And unlike you, I don't have a boyfriend to show off for."

"You have a husband," pointed out Konan.

"That doesn't mean I have any attraction to him," I snapped.

"Isn't that was marriage is supposed to do…" muttered Kate. "Tie you to the guy you _love_."

"Kate…" I said slowly. "We got married when we were drunk."

"Oh right…"

"Are you ever going to come out of there?"

A pretty customer with short brown hair and big black eyes smiled at me. She was introduced herself as Matsuri and she seemed nice enough, so I decided not to sound _too_ angry when I snapped, "I'll come out when Dessie gives me why clothes back!"

Matsuri glanced at Dessie (who was busy squealing with delight over every cute swimsuit she found). "I don't think that's any time soon."

"Neither do I…"

"So," said Matsuri. "You guys aren't locals, are you?"

"No, we're here on vacation with some – er – friends…" I said. "And Dessie thought it'd be fun to go shopping for swimsuits." I made a face of disgust.

"Ah," said Matsuri. "Well, I'm trying to find a swimsuit to impress the _Kazekage_."

"The Kazekage?" asked Dessie, practically melting to Matsuri's side. "Why are you trying to impress the Kazekage?"

"Well," said Matsuri smugly. "I'm friends with the Kazekage's _sister_ and she invited me to go swimming. So, I'm picking out the hottest swimsuit I can find just in case the Kazekage shows up and decides to come swimming with us." Matsuri giggled delightedly.

"But this Kazekage…" said Dessie slowly. "Isn't he a bit old for you?"

"Not at all!" cried Matsuri. "He's our age and _extremely_ handsome. With red hair and sea-green eyes… He's absolutely adorable and kind-hearted and perfect…"

"A Hottie?" asked Dessie, her eyes lighting up in excitement. "The Kazekage is a Hottie?"

Matsuri nodded. "A yummy-yummy Hottie!"

Without warning, Dessie whipped around and hurled my clothes in my face. "Come on, Hannah!" she cried. "What are you standing around in the dressing rooms for – we have a mission to complete!"

I grabbed my clothes and quickly changed into my clothes. "I wonder _why_ I'm standing around in the changing rooms…"

"What mission do you have to complete?" asked Matsuri confusedly.

Dessie grinned. "Mission: catch sight of the deliciously hot Kazekage!"

"Can I come?" asked Kate.

"You have a boyfriend," pointed out Dessie. "You shouldn't come Hottie chasing with me. Besides, it's rude to leave Konan on her own."

"Hannah's married," replied Kate. "But she gets to go Hottie chasing…"

"Hannah doesn't love her husband thought," said Dessie. "There's a difference."

"But!" wailed Matsuri. "Gaara's mine!"

"Gaara?" asked Dessie.

"The Kazekage…"

"Oh, that's his name!" said Dessie as I stepped out of the dressing room. "Don't worry – Gaara won't fall for me… probably… I can't guarantee anything!"

And with that, Dessie grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me out of the store without buying anything. As we reached the door I heard Kate comforting Matsuri gently.

"It's okay," said Kate. "Dessie's made out with lots of guys and none of them have ever fallen in love with _her_."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Mwahaha vacation arc! In Suna! Whatever will happen next! O.O ... ... ... REVIEW IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT! please... i really, really love reviews... please...  
><strong>


	46. Hunt for the Kazekage

**Chapter Forty-Six: Hunt for the Kazekage **

**_Rule Number Forty-Six: Don't infiltrate the Kazekage's offices – no matter how hot he is_**

**Dessie**

"You're insane, Dessie, you know that, right?" Hannah asked me.

The two of us stood outside the Kazekage's offices and gazed up the towering walls excitedly (or, at least, I was excited, Hannah seemed more irritable than excited).

"I know," I said cheerfully. "But you have to admit, you enjoy hanging around me with all my insanity."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah – you, me, and Kate: the criminally insane fake Akatsuki whores… we fit in so well with them that it frightens me…" Hannah muttered.

"Shh…" I said, holding a finger to my lips. "Now, here's the plan: We're going to march right into the Kazekage's offices like we belong. And when those stupid, ugly receptionists ask what we want, we're going to say that we _need _to see the Kazekage due to some extremely important and dire circumstances."

"What extremely important and dire circumstances?" Hannah asked.

"I don't know," I said, shrugging. "I'll think of that when the time comes."

Hannah groaned. "Why do I try?"

"Alright? Ready? Go."

The two of us turned and marched right up the front steps and into the lobby of the Kazekage's offices. There were a dozen or so politicians and shinobi wandering about carrying out murmured conversations. Hannah followed me as I strutted right up to the receptionists' desk, slammed my hands on the counter, and said, "I _need_ to see the Kazekage!"

"Do you have an appointment?" the blond receptionist asked.

"No," I said. "But we are in the middle of extremely important and dire circumstances – we _need_ to see the Kazekage!"

"Do you have an appointment?" the brown haired receptionist asked.

"You don't understand me," I said forcefully. "My friend and I were playing out in the streets when we ran into some extremely suspicious figures who resembled the _Akatsuki_! We _have_ to report it to the Kazekage directly! Now!"

The receptionists stared at me. "Do you have an appointment?"

I glared at them. They glared back at me.

"No…" I said slowly and slunk back outside with Hannah trailing after me.

We stepped back out into the midday sun and sat down on the front steps of the Kazekage offices.

"So," said Hannah unnecessarily cheerful. "What do we do now?"

"New tactic," I said.

"And what's that?"

I thought for a moment, and then an idea of sheer brilliance came to me. I turned to Hannah, a slow and sly grin spread across my face. She stared at me suspiciously and then raised her hands in refusal.

"Absolutely no, Dessie. Stop thinking like that and come up with some new tactic. I will not – and I mean _not_ – do a thing like that."

I just kept on grinning. "New tactic, Hannah. Seduction."

Despite Hannah's continuous refusal, I dragged her along with me to stand at the bottom of the steps and strike up the "Fake Akatsuki Whore Pose" that we had mastered so well over our past brothel trips. And, much to Hannah's surprise, we found a customer quickly.

A young man dressed in a black outfit with purple make-up on his face in the design that vaguely resembled a cat. After shooting us sideways glances for a minute while he conversed with some old politician, the cat-like man sidled over to us and said, "Hello, ladies."

"Why _hello_," I said in my most seductive tones. "I'm Dessie, and…" I giggled and shot Hannah an approving glance. "This is Hannah – what's _your_ name?"

The guy grinned. "I'm Kankuro – the Kazekage's _brother_."

"Oh?" I smiled, slow and secretive. "That's a very big role to fill."

"But I do it well," said Kankuro proudly.

"I'm sure _you_ do," I said and elbowed Hannah in the ribs again, this time warning her she had better say something.

"Oh. Yeah. I'm sure you're amazing," said Hannah bluntly (maybe it was better if she said nothing at all).

Kankuro, however, didn't seem to mind. He placed one arm around my shoulders and his other arm around Hannah's. He grinned at the two of us, winked and said, "Have you two ladies ever seen the inside of the Kazekage's offices?"

Behind his back, Hannah mouthed at me, "Is this guy for _real_?"

I giggled. "No, Kankuro, we've _never_ been inside. Only _important_ people go inside."

"Well," said Kankuro. "You're lucky you know an _important_ guy like me."

Even Hannah managed a giggle this time as Kankuro led us inside the Kazekage offices and past those ugly receptionists. As we passed, I made sure to stick my tongue out triumphantly in their direction. They both glared at me, but could do nothing because the Kazekage's _brother_ was my escort.

"So," I said. "What floor does the Kazekage work on?"

"The top one, of course," said Kankuro.

"And what floor do _you_ work on?" I asked gleefully.

Kankuro smiled proudly. "The top floor, of course."

"_Ohhh_," I cooed with a knowing glance in Hannah's direction. "You _are_ important."

I hit him in the back of the neck and he collapsed to the ground without a chance to fight back.

"But for an important shinobi," I said dryly. "You suck a defending yourself."

Hannah laughed. And we made our ways along the hallway to the stairs. We sprinted up the flights taking two at a time (going on missions with the Akatsuki had certainly whipped us into shape). Finally, after a goof ten minutes of climbing, we reached the top of the stairs and staggered into the highest floor of the Kazekage's offices.

"Why couldn't they install an elevator?" I asked between breaths.

"Probably because mostly Fitness-Freak shinobi use these stairs," panted Hannah. "And as we all know, stair climbing burns more calories per minute than jogging."

"Yay, for exercise…" I muttered. "Now let's go find the Hottie."

The Kazekage's personal office was pretty easy to find. It was the door at the farthest end of the hallway. The two of us slowly pushed open the heavy wooden doors and slipped inside. However, there was no need for the secrecy since no one was there. There was a big, round office with a heavy desk at the far end and a window opening out onto a balcony. Hannah and I hurried out onto the balcony and gazed at the view, which overlook the desert city of Suna.

"_Dang_," said Hannah appreciatively. "I'd become Kazekage for a view like this."

"I second that!" I cried. "It's _gorgeous_ – but not as gorgeous as my Hotties!"

"Don't worry," said Hannah. "If you become Kazekage, you'll have Hotties from all around lining up to be the husband of such a powerful bitch."

"Oh right… I forgot about that…"

Hannah snorted. "You are the most simple-minded person I know."

"Is that a compliment or an insult?" I asked, leaning out over the balcony railing so that the wind licked my face.

"Figure it out for yourself," said Hannah, copying me.

"I don't feel like it," I said. "That requires too much brain power. Besides, I prefer this – Hottie chasing and relaxing in the Kazekage's personal office – to hanging out at the pool with a bunch of perverted Akatsuki…even if I would get to wear a new, sexy swimsuit."

"You're more perverted then all of them put together," Hannah chuckled.

"And proud of it!"

"Who the hell are you!"

Hannah and I paused. Slowly, we turned around from our sightseeing to find ourselves face to face with a red-haired, green-eyed Hottie who, if Matsuri's descriptions were accurate, could be none other than the Kazekage himself. _Gaara_ – oh, that name suited him so perfectly. It rolled off my tongue like the burning Hottie that he was.

"Hello, Gaara," I said, stepped off the balcony back into his office with a delighted smile plastered all over my face. "My name is Desdemona Lee and this is my friend, Hannah."

Gaara stared. "How did you get in here?"

"We… found ourselves some VIP access," I said and plopped myself down in the squished armchair at the Kazekage's desk. "Oh, so comfortable…"

"So you're the ones who knocked Kankuro out at the bottom of the stairs," said Gaara stiffly. "And here I thought he had drunk himself unconscious again."

"At least this way is much more pleasurable," I said. "He got to have a look at _my_ flawless face before he went lights out."

"Hn…"

Hannah laughed. "Oh dear Warg, it appears we have another Uchiha on our hands."

"He's not an Uchiha," I pointed out. "Are you?"

"No."

"Besides," I added. "Gaara is capable of full sentences."

"Oh yeah," said Hannah thoughtfully. "You're right. My mistake."

Gaara stared at us, the gears of his mind slowly turning as recognition crossed his face. "I know you… Konoha warned me about you. Hannah and Dessie… You're part of the Akatsuki."

"Correction," I said cheerfully. "We're not part of the Akatsuki – we're just their fake whores. I'm still a virgin. Though," I added smiling, "If you want to change that, you're welcome to."

I swear I saw Gaara back away from me. His whole body tensed, preparing to strike. I knew that looked well. After spending so much time with the Akatsuki, I knew the exact appearance a shinobi had before he – or she – was getting ready to fight.

However, before Gaara could do anything, I hopped up from my seat and, with Hannah following, we crossed the room towards the door. I paused beside Gaara and grinned.

"Don't worry, Red-Hottie, we only came to see if you were as hot as they say you are. You should be pleased to know that we weren't disappointed." And then I gave him a quick kiss on the lips before Hannah and I fled the Kazekage offices as fast as our feet would carry us.

"He's going to murder us!" screamed Hannah as we sprinted down the stairs.

"No he won't!" I cried. "He secretly enjoyed it!"

"Only _you_ would enjoy something like that! Do you have to make out with every Hottie that we meet!"

"No!" I shouted.

"Who _haven't _you kissed!"

"Masked-Hottie, Ice-Hottie, Snow-Hottie…" I laughed aloud and kept on running as we reached the midway point of the stairs. "You think Gaara is actually chasing us!"

"Probably not!" Hannah hollered over her shoulder. "He doesn't seem like the type to run for such low and unworthy matters!"

"Or maybe he was just too stunned that a gorgeous and irresistible babe such as myself would kiss him!"

"I doubt it!" Hannah skipped the last two steps and sprinted out into the lobby. She came to a brief halt in front of the receptionists' desk. "He's probably in shock that a freakish and conceited girl like you kissed him."

"It's one of my finer qualities," I said, stopping beside her to catch my breath. I caught sight of the receptionists, stood upright and grinned at then, raising two fingers in the "V for Victory" sign. "I just kissed you Kazekage – and _boy_ does he have soft lips!"

Hannah yelped in horror and the two of us sprinted right out of the building, leaving behind two angry and very confused receptionists. Rule Number Forty-Six: Don't infiltrate the Kazekage's person office – not matter how hot the rumors say he is!

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, if you haven't already can someone please go back and review the last chapter. please... I have reasons, but i need at least one more review on that chapter... **

**please**

**please**

**please**

**the akatsuki beg you **

**in their akatsuki-ish way...**

**please...  
><strong>


	47. Flight From Suna

**Chapter Forty-Seven: Flight from Suna**

**_Rule Number Forty-Seven: Don't mess with Itachi's vacation time_**

**Kate**

Konan and I returned to the hotel safe and sound. We changed into our swimsuits that Dessie so expertly bought for us and headed up to the pool. There was no one there besides the Akatsuki and – let's face it – what sane person would want to go swimming in a pool with a cannibalistic Venus flytrap?

As soon as Konan and I walked out onto the roof, Kisame let out a deep, low whistle. I blushed (as always) and Konan walked by without as much as a glance in Kisame's direction. She joined Leader in the hot tub and the two relaxed together, completely oblivious to what was going on around them.

"You're looking _fine_," said Kisame, admiring my new bikini. "Where's Dessie? I need to congratulate her on fulfilling her promise."

"She ran off with Hannah to go see if the Kazekage was as hot at Matsuri said he is."

"And you didn't go?" asked Kakuzu.

"They wouldn't let me," I said grouchily. "Since I have a boyfriend now."

Kisame laughed and, without a word, he got up from his lawn chair and picked me up like I weighed nothing at all. I shrieked and struggled but, of course, I could do nothing to a shinobi like Kisame.

"So," he said triumphantly. "Now that you've gotten a completely _stunning_ swimsuit – will you join me in the pool?"

"Yes! Yes!" I squealed, kicking and hitting him lightly. "Put me down though!"

Kisame pretended to think about this for a moment. "No can do." And he promptly dropped me into the pool.

When I resurface, gasping for air and laughing, Kisame and Kakuzu were having an argument.

"I do _not_ appreciate public displays of affection," Kakuzu was saying waspishly. "Kisame, I _know_ you like to brag that – unlike the rest of us stuck up and romantically challenged Akatsuki – you have a girlfriend, but please spare us the blinding image of you flirtations."

Kisame grinned showing all of his pointy teeth. "Aw, you're just jealous Kakuzu."

"No. But I do want to keep my eyes in mint condition. While Itachi is lucky his limited vision keeps him from seeing hideous scenes like that, I _do not_ want to go blind for the rest of my life."

"Hn…"

Kisame flipped Kakuzu off and then leapt into the pool, spraying my face with water. I coughed and clung to the side of the pool, since the bottom was too deep of me to reach.

"Dun-dun…dun-dun…duh-duh-duh–"

I shrieked as I saw Kisame swimming through the water making the jaws theme song (apparently Dessie had taught it to him). I yelped and them screamed as Kakuzu threw ne of the lawn chairs at my head.

"Shut up!"

Kisame stood up in the water (curse his ninja powers) and glared at Kakuzu. "Do you _mind_?"

"Do _you_ mind?" snapped Kakuzu. "Some of us wanted a nice, peaceful vacation from our hardworking lives as criminals – and what do we get instead? A vacation of watch as the new couple acts as ridiculously couplish as possible! I think I'm going to puke…"

"No one else cares but you!" shouted Kisame angrily.

Itachi: Hn…

Zetsu: Where's Hannah?

Konan: (ignores the entire scene completely)

Leader: (also ignores the entire scene completely)

Tobi: Tobi wants to play with the couple too!

And, much to Kisame's and my horror, Tobi jumped into the pool and swam to the deep end to join us.

"Tobi wants to play tag! Tobi wants to play tag!"

Kisame growled angrily. "Kisame does _not_ want to play tag! Kisame does _not _want to play tag!"

Tobi pouted. "But tag is fun. Then can Tobi play the New Couple Game with you?"

I swear Kisame almost screamed and ran out of the room as fast as he could. Instead, Kisame contained himself and said, "Okay, tag is fine."

"Yay!" cried Tobi excitedly. "Tobi is not it!"

"I think," said Kisame slowly. "That Tobi should be it – since he suggested the game."

"You know," I said thoughtfully. "We could play Marco Polo?"

"Marco what!"

"Marco Polo," I explained. "It's like tag, but it's made for the pool. So the person who is 'it' closes his or her eyes and swims around the pool. When he or she calls out "Marco" everyone playing has to respond "Polo". And when the person who is 'it' touches someone, that that someone is now 'it'!"

"Oh! Oh! Tobi wants to play! Tobi wants to play!"

Kisame glanced at Tobi and then at me, a devious smile crossing his face. "Okay, I'll play too – but only if Tobi is it first."

"Okay! Okay!" shrieked Tobi. "Tobi will close his eyes and count to thirty! One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Seven… Eight… Nine…"

Kisame quickly swam across the pool and hopped out of the water. He grabbed my by the arm to pull me out as well, but I shook my head furiously. "I actually want to play Marco Polo," I told him, pouting slightly.

"Thirteen… Fourteen… Fifteen… Seventeen… Eighteen…"

"But it's stupid," grumbled Kisame irritably. "You can play without me."

"But Marco Polo needs more than two players," I said sadly.

"Oh!" cried Kakuzu from the protection of his lawn chair. "The couple is having their first fight – maybe they'll break up!"

"Twenty-three… Twenty-four… Twenty-five… Twenty-Seven…"

"Excuse me," said Kisame as he got to his feet, walking across the pool deck to pick Kakuzu up from his lawn chair and carry the struggling Kakuzu to the pool and drop him into the water.

Kakuzu came up spluttering a coughing and glaring at Kisame with a deadly hatred. "You asshole!" shouted Kakuzu. "I'm going to murder you!"

"Tag! Tobi got you without even saying "Marco"! Does Tobi get bonus points for that!"

Kakuzu whirled around in the middle of the pool a glowered at Tobi as if he were trying to bore a hole into Tobi's forehead. With a low and deadly voice, Kakuzu said, "I am not playing your pathetic game, Tobi. Shut up and count to thirty – and this time don't skip numbers!"

"Tobi didn't skip any numbers. Tobi knows how to count to thirty!"

"What about six!" shouted Kakuzu. "You forgot about six!"

"Oh… Oopsie." Tobi giggled. "Tobi won't forget next time."

Kisame hopped into the pool beside me and grinned villainously at Kakuzu. "Come on! Now that you're wet, you might as well play with us for awhile."

Kakuzu glared.

Suddenly there was a splash and everyone turned to see Zetsu getting in slowly at the steps. He smiled at everyone and grinned, showing every single one of his cannibalistic teeth. "We want to play too!"

And with that, everyone clambered out of the pool as fast as they could. Suddenly, we all decided that it was time to do some serious sunbathing.

"Maybe when Hannah comes back!" I added over my shoulder, feeling a bit sorry for Zetsu. "Hannah will play with you!"

"I most certainly will not!"

We all turned to see Hannah and Dessie standing by the doorway to the pool deck. They were fully clothed (a blasphemous thing for Dessie) and gasping for breath. We all stared at them confusedly for a moment and, finally, Leader had the sense to ask, "What's going on?'

"Time to go!" cried Dessie, sprinting over to the hot tub to try and pull Leader and Konan out of the water by their arms.

"Why do we have to go?" asked Zetsu.

Tobi sprinted across the pool deck and flung his arms around Hannah's neck. "Hannah-Nunu! Tobi missed you! Will Hannah-Nunu and Dessie-Nunu play with Tobi!"

"Nope," said Hannah. "We have to go – _now_."

"Why?" asked Kisame impatiently.

"Because!" wailed Hannah. "Dessie came up with the _brilliant_ idea of breaking into the Kazekage's personal office by seducing the Kazekage's _brother_ and then knocking him out in the elevator and then – when we finally do meet the Hottie Kazekage – Dessie decides to kiss him! And now, all the Suna shinobi are chasing us around the city!"

Dessie grinned innocently. "It was worth it."

Kakuzu snickered. "Good thing Hidan isn't here."

"Hannah thought the Kazekage is hot…" said Zetsu rather disappointedly.

"Not the point!" shouted Hannah. "The point it – we have to go!"

Leader sighed and slowly climbed out of the hot tub. "Why can't I take any of you on vacation? I expected this much from the Akatsuki but… Actually, never mind, I actually did expect this much from you two…"

"FREEZE!"

Suna shinobi poured on to the pool deck, holding their weapons at the ready and their Suna headband glinting in the afternoon sunlight. The Akatsuki remained completely still and stared, wearily, at the shinobi attackers.

"Why," asked Itachi, rising from his bed on the lawn chair. "Why can I _never_ get a moment's rest from this _idiotic_ S-ranked criminal status? All I wanted was one _peaceful_, _relaxing_ _vacation_ – but can I get one? _Nooooooo_. Because everyone here is a _moron_!"

I glanced at Kisame and he glanced at me.

"Is it just me, or does Itachi have some seriously pent up rage?"

Kisame shrugged. "Whatever it is – it's good for us."

"Why?" I asked.

"Just wait and see…"

Itachi rounded on the Suna shinobi, his red eyes flashing angrily. "I am going to send you all – every, stinking one of you – into a hundred days of hell for disturbing my vacation!"

And it happened, in a flash. Itachi's eyes burned red and all the Suna shinobi were cast into their own mental hell by Itachi's all powerful sharingan. The Akatsuki quickly ran down to their rooms, packed up and returned to the roof in the time it took Itachi to complete the jutsu. The Suna shinobi all knelt on the ground, gasping for breath and wincing in pain.

"Itachi," said Kisame. "You know using you sharingan too much will damage your eyes permanently."

Itachi snorted. "_This_ is worth it." And then he walked away, ready to head back to the hideout at the end of our brief vacation.

Rule Number Forty-Seven: Don't mess with Itachi's vacation time – he is willing to risk eternal blindness for revenge.

* * *

><p>"Well," Dessie said, dropping her vacation bag in the door as she stepped into the hideout. "That was fun."<p>

"For _you_," grumbled Leader as he stormed past Dessie back to his office where mountains of paperwork awaited him. "And pick up your bags – I will not have this place be a dump!"

"I can't believe," said Kakuzu as he examined the hideout. "That Deidara and Hidan actually cleaned this place."

"Maybe they're _that_ afraid of Leader," said Hannah.

"Tobi thinks that there's more than meets the eye."

We all nodded in unison, glancing around the hideout suspiciously. I followed Kisame deeper into the hideout, looking around for any sign of Hidan and Deidara. We found them lounging about in the completely spotless living room playing a game of Double Solitaire.

"You cleaned this place?" asked Kisame.

"Yep," said Deidara. "You back from vacation soon."

Kisame snorted. "Long story. Hannah and Dessie decided to go see if the Kazekage was as hot as people say. So, they seduced the Kazekage's perverted good-for-nothing brother and – after knocking the good-for-nothing out – they broke into the Kazekage's office and, after the Kazekage discovered them, Dessie kissed him and then flaunted it to the receptionist. Then, after that, Itachi went crazy and wiped them all out with his sharingan. So yeah, we sort of ran out are welcome."

"_Dessie_ made out with the Kazekage!" exclaimed Hidan.

"_Hannah_ thought the Kazekage was hot!" shouted Deidara.

Kisame slapped himself on the forehead and I patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Is that _all_ you got out of that story?" asked Kisame irritably.

Deidara and Hidan shrugged. "Yeah. Was there more we shoulder get out of it?"

"Never mind," muttered Kisame.

"HIDAN!"

We turned around to see Kakuzu storming into the living room with Hannah and Dessie hot on his heels. Kakuzu walked right up to Hidan and Deidara and thrust his blood-stained hands into their faces.

"Hidan! _Why_ is there the body of several maids in our bath tub!"

Hidan shrugged sheepishly. "They were sacrificed to Jashin-sama…"

"You cheated!" exclaimed Hannah angrily. "You mean you _hired_ maids to clean the hideout! You know inviting non-Akatsuki members here is forbidden!"

"But it doesn't matter," said Hidan with a shrug. "We sacrificed them to Jashin-sama so they couldn't tell anyone."

Dessie kicked Hidan in his weak spot and then proceeded to do the same to Deidara. She scowled at the two of them as they rolled around on the floor in agony. "You two were meant to clean the hideout on your own so that you could learn you lesson – not have fun killing maids!"

"And we actually thought they had cleaned the hideout on their own for a minute…" muttered Hannah.

"Well," I said, smiling cheerfully. "That's criminals for you!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, I think the story alert function hasn't been working, which is why all my faithful reviewers have been lax lately - so, I forgive you all that my review count has fallen behind and my goal of 1,000 reviews now look so far away. Anyways, if you haven't reviewed the last chapter PLEASE do so. And - for all of you - REVIEW THIS CHAPTER! **

**IT IS THE END OF THE VISIT TO SUN ARC! Though, I promise you that this will not be the last you will see of Gaara. He will become quite an important character in later chapters. Anyways, I would like to add somethings for clarity: 1) even though it might not look that way, Kankuro is one of my favorite characters (and I think he's hot when he isn't wearing make-up). I just so happen to enjoy abusing my favorite characters (Hidan is proof of this fact). and 2) I also like the character of Karin. I know the vast majority of female readers hate her, but I think she's cool enough - she's just another Sasuke fangirl who struggles with rejection (I can relate, you know). In fact, she reminds me more of Sakura than nay other character. **

**Okay, now that I've defended those two characters, I have some good news: THIS STORY IS ACTUALLY ABOUT TO GET SOME PLOT! As of chapter fifty, there will be a PLOT to my Survival Guide! Yay! No more random arcs, but an actually plot (aren't you happy?) and so, I begin to countdown - THREE MORE CHAPTER TO A PLOT! YAAAAAAAAY!  
><strong>


	48. The Broom of Misfortune

**Chapter Forty-Eight: The Broom of Misfortune **

**_Rule Number Forty-Eight: Deidara and Zetsu don't get along_**

**Hannah**

"I have a mission that need filling."

Everyone glanced around nervously as Leader stared around the room. He was in a bad mood since Deidara and Zetsu woke him up early. Apparently, Zetsu snuck into Deidara and Tobi's room early in the morning and tried to take a bite out of Deidara's foot. Well, of course, Deidara freaked out and set off several bombs, which then woke Tobi up and Tobi started shrieking at the top of his lungs. The fight didn't end until Leader dragged himself out of bed and silenced them all himself.

Now, everyone was gathered in the Meeting Room, prepared to brace themselves for Leader's wrath. Then again, Dessie thought the whole ordeal was hilarious and she and Kakuzu kept making side comments to one another and laughing while Leader glared down Zetsu and Deidara.

"This mission involves kidnapping," continued Leader stiffly. "There is a woman called Rina who lives in the Earth Country – in Iwa. She holds information pertaining to the tailed beasts."

"So you're going to send out a team to kidnap her?" asked Kisame.

"Shut up and yes," said Leader wearily.

Tobi raised his hand in the air and hopped about wildly. "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Unfortunately, Tobi," said Leader, a sick and twisted smile crossing his face (I had a bad feeling about this). "I have already selected the three people who will be sent to kidnap Rina…. Deidara, Zetsu, and Hannah."

Yep, I definitely had a bad feeling about this…

Leader adjourned the meeting and the Akatsuki filed out of the room, most of them laughing heartily at my expense. I went to my room to pack for the trip and Dessie and Kate followed me, giggling all the way.

"It could be worse," said Dessie. "You could be sent with Hidan…"

"I'd take Hidan over Deidara and Zetsu any day," I muttered.

"What if it was Hidan and Deidara together?" asked Kate. "Two hot heads on one trip – you'd never see a moment's peace."

"Great…" I grumbled. "Always look on the bright side of life. Instead of being sent on a mission with two fighting idiots, I _could_ be sent on a mission with two-hot headed idiots…"

Dessie snickered.

"That kind of mission belongs to Dessie and Dessie alone," said Kate cheerfully. "She belongs with the hot heads."

"What are you saying?" asked Dessie darkly.

"Nothing."

I finished shoving my supplies into my shoulder-bag and turned to my friends with a slight scowl on my face. "If I don't return, it's because Zetsu and Deidara murdered me."

"They won't murder _you_," pointed out Dessie. "Just each other."

"Or maybe their love is so painful that it killed Hannah!" cried Kate.

They both doubled over with laughter and, on my way to the exit, I aimed a ferocious kick at their knees. Which, of course, they both dodged with ease.

"It's nice to know I have so sympathetic friends!" I called out as I left the room and made my way down the hallways of the hideout to the front door where Deidara and Zetsu stood waiting.

They were both glaring daggers at one another, probably trying to figure out how best to assassinate the other one while making it look like an accident. I rolled my eyes at the two of them and stormed past, pretending that they were nothing more than annoying gnats that I had to put up with.

"So," said Deidara. "We're going to the Earth Country."

"Iwa," added Zetsu's white half.

"To kidnap Rina," said Deidara, glaring at Zetsu.

"And bring her back for Leader to interrogate," added Zetsu's black half.

"And I know all this, so why are you repeating it?" I asked them both angrily. "Dear Warg, you're going to give me a headache before the first day is through."

"We could get to Iwa in a day," said Zetsu. "If we could run."

"Well, excuse me for being slow," I muttered. "I'm not a shinobi and I'm not the one who sent me on this stupid mission."

"That's a problem easily fixed," said Deidara. And, before either Zetsu or I knew what was happening, Deidara lifted me right off the ground and slung my onto his back. I wrapped my arms around his neck ad clung on tightly, my eyes wide in horror.

"What are you doing!" I wailed.

"Piggy-backing you," said Deidara. "To make the journey quicker."

"_I_'ll give her a piggy-back," snarled Zetsu irritably.

Deidara grinned wickedly. "But Zetsu, your Venus flytrap body prevents you from piggy-backing anyone! Sorry, but this responsibility falls on me."

And with those oh-so-joyous words, Deidara began sprinting through the forest at ninja-speed and Zetsu, filled with rage, ran after us, his yellow eyes narrowed. I clung tightly on to Deidara's back and groaned. Yep, this was going to reach a whole new level of ridiculous.

* * *

><p>As Deidara promised, we reached Iwa in a day. However, locating Rina was another story. We rented out two rooms for the night and, after an extended argument and many death threats, we decided that I should have my own room and Deidara and Zetsu should share one. However, if either one of them was to die, I would never speak to the other again and would probably murder him in his sleep. So, with that compromise, we all went off to bed for the night.<p>

When the next morning came, we rose from our beds (both Deidara and Zetsu had survived the night in one piece – I didn't want to know any of the details of what went on in that room) and set out to the village to see if we could locate Rina.

Leader had given us a very loose description of her: brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, mid-thirties. And, as we wandered through the streets of Iwa, we found several people who met that description. Deidara and I questioned each one of them in a subtle manner while Zetsu hung back in the shadows and tried not to be seen (he is a very difficult person to go on missions with).

"Hello," said Deidara sidling up to one of the women we found that matched Leader's description.

She looked at us through her icy, blue eyes and said, "What do you want, bastard?"

"Dear Warg," I muttered under my breath. "She sounds like Dessie."

"That's not true," hissed Deidara. "If it were Dessie she'd squeal and say 'What do you want, Blond-Hottie!'"

I let out a snort of laughter. "And, at one time to date, has Dessie called you a Hottie?"

"We all know she's thinking it…"

The women scowled at us both and snapped, "What do you _want_? Don't stand there a whispered about me, you shitheads!"

"Oh, right," said Deidara. "I forgot about you."

The woman slapped him across the face and stormed off.

I laughed and chased after her, grabbing her by the wrist, I asked, "What's your name?"

"Hitomi."

Deidara caught up with us, rubbing his cheek where there was a nasty-looking red hand print standing out brilliantly against his pale skin. Hitomi snickered when she saw Deidara's face and she asked again, "What do you freaks want?"

"She's fine," said Deidara.

I let go of Hitomi and, with a bemused expression, she disappeared into the crowd, leaving Deidara and me alone. We slipped through the street into the side alley where Zetsu waited. Zetsu took one look at Deidara's scarlet cheek and snickered.

"You're a failure with women," said Zetsu.

"You're one to talk," snapped Deidara. "You can't even marry a woman who loves you!"

"We should eat him," muttered Zetsu's black half. "All of him," added the white half. "Until there is nothing left. Om-nom-nom."

"You people are weird," I muttered. "Come on, let's go find Rina."

"We've been looking for the bitch all day," grumbled Deidara. "Why can't we call it quits already and go get some sake, uhn."

Zetsu smirked and stepped between Deidara and me. He turned to Deidara, so that I could see their faces, but Zetsu's voice was smug as he said, "Well that's fine, Deidara. We will search for Rina with Hannah and _you_ can go drink sake."

They exchanges silent glares that I couldn't see and then Deidara stepped past Zetsu to drag me away down the alleyway back out onto the main street. Over his shoulder, Deidara called, "You can't search for Rina, Zetsu. One look at your ugly-mug and all the Rinas of the world will go running in the opposite direction, uhn."

And, with that exceedingly cheerfully farewell, Deidara and I returned to the streets to search for more Rina-look-alikes. We interrogated two more before we decided that this mission was, in fact, rather useless. So, the three of us made our way down the main street to a bar (this made Deidara very happy, as you can imagine).

We found ourselves a table and sat down, ignoring the weird stares we received from the staff and customers. Zetsu was – er – a little bit eye-catching. We might as well carry around neon signs that say: Hello, we're the Akatsuki freak show! Feel free to stare as long as you would like!

"Hello, my name is Rina and I will be your waitress for this evening."

Deidara turned, with a stiff smile, to order three sakes. The waitress, a petite woman in her mid-thirties with long brown hair and blue eyes, smiled and hurried off to fetch our order.

"Er…" I glanced at Deidara.

Zetsu snorted and the black half said, "We should eat dense people. Though they are very tough to chew."

"Ew…" said Deidara. He turned to me and wrinkled his nose. "What is the cannibal talking about?"

I rolled my eyes and flicked Deidara in the back of the head. "Our waitress is the Rina we have been looking for, moron."

Deidara looked over at the counter, where the waitress was filling out our orders and then looked back at me, his expression dumbfounded. "You're kidding…" he muttered. "Do coincidences like this happen, uhn?"

"Apparently," I muttered.

Rina made her way back across the restaurant to place the three bottles of sake on the table. She smiled kindly at us and turned away to go fulfill someone else's orders, but before she could get far, Zetsu rose to his feet and stood in front of her. (And believe me when I say that having a gigantic Venus flytrap standing in front of you is _very_ terrifying).

"Can I help you?" asked Rina nervously.

"I'm afraid I can't let you leave," said Zetsu grimly.

"Aw, come on, man," said Deidara. "Can we at least have some sake first?"

"No," I snapped, glaring at Deidara. "We're getting this stupid mission done with now. Zetsu, get the woman. We're going."

Zetsu smiled at me and started to capture Rina, but before Zetsu could touch her, Deidara stopped him.

"I'll take care of this one," said Deidara expertly.

"Hannah told _us_ to get her," said Zetsu's white half.

"Hannah obviously forgot that you don't have arms," pointed out Deidara cheerfully. "So, I'll take over that responsibility for you – we have to look after the handicaps, you know."

Zetsu shoved Deidara to the side and gnashed his teeth angrily in Deidara's direction. "We don't need a handicap. We're a much more capable shinobi than you."

Deidara grabbed a piece of clay out of his side-bag and waved it in front of Zetsu's face threateningly. To his credit, Zetsu did not seem at all intimidated by the clay, but Deidara kept on talking. "I will blow you to smithereens right here and now if you don't back off," snarled Deidara.

"And we will devour your every molecule if _you_ don't back off," said Zetsu.

"I'm not afraid of a _potted-plant_."

"And we're not afraid of a blond fur ball that looks like something a cat coughed up!"

Deidara started to form something with his clay and Zetsu ground his teeth together. The two prepared to fight to the death in the middle of a bar, armed and dangerous. I sighed heavily and patted Rina comfortingly on the shoulder before slipping into the backroom. A minute later, I returned and Deidara and Zetsu were still slinging insults at one another. Rule Number Forty-Eight: Deidara and Zetsu don't get along – _ever_.

"You're nothing more than an overgrown flytrap!" shouted Deidara. "With an ugly-as-shit Oreo cookie shoved inside!"

"And you're nothing m–"

_Whack_! _Whack_!

Zetsu never got to finished his sentence, because at that moment, I slammed the wooden handle of a broomstick into the side of Zetsu's head and then, on the rebound, I slammed the handle into Deidara's forehead. They both stood there for a moment, staring at me blankly, and then collapsed to the floor unconscious.

"Well…" said Rina slowly. "Aren't you impressive?"

I leaned on the Broom of Misfortune and rolled my eyes. "And that's how a woman handles her men."

"Men?" asked Rina. "As in multiple?"

"I'm just that popular."

_Whack_!

I slammed the handle of the broom into the side of her head and watched as she collapsed to the floor too. I picked her up off the ground and carried her awkwardly on my back. I kept the broom at the ready, just in case any of the staff or customers thought to attack me. However, they were all staring at me in horror, too shocked to do anything. I shrugged and, with Rina in tow, I carried her out of the bar leaving Deidara and Zetsu behind.

"And _this_ is why I have never had a boyfriend before. Drama will be the death of me…" I muttered and piggy-backed Rina all the way back to the hideout on my own.

Leader happily interrogated Rina and, a day later, Zetsu and Deidara crawled back to the hideout ashamedly and begged for forgiveness – which, of course, I didn't give them.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: To be honest, this chapter was just a fun filler chapter with a Zetsu/Hannah/Deidara love triangle and Hannah gets to wield a weapon that isn't a frying pan. Anyways, this chapter is just a filler until I get back to Kate's POV at which point - the -PLOT - begins! (let there be a chorus of "yay"s from the audience). **

**Do you mind reviewing chapter 46? Please... I'm trying to reach 1000 reviews and I can't do that unless you review chapter 46 (Gawd, when I look at myself I seem so pathetic. BUT REVIEW! REVIEW! THIS CHAPTER AND ALL THE CHAPTERS! (and I mean all of them... if you want to... please? hahahahaha)  
><strong>


	49. Princess Hours

**Chapter Forty-Nine: Princess Hours **

**_Rule Number Forty-Nine: Tobi makes a good sacrificial lamb _**

**Dessie**

I knew. The moment I opened my eyes that dreaded Thursday morning, I knew. My throat was on fire and my nose was running like a river. My head felt as though it might burst at any time and my whole body ached miserably. Yep. Beyond a doubt, I knew that I had a cold.

The common cold, also known as nasopharyngitis, acute viral rhinopharyngitis, acute coryza, or just a cold, is the bane of my existence. It makes my entire life absolute _hell_.

I lay in bed that Thursday morning groaning and hugging my pillow tightly as the fever raged and my nose dripped. Yep, right from then on I knew that I was in for a very, very, _very_ bad day.

"Come on, Dessie!" wailed Kate. "Breakfast is ready…"

"And I promise Kisame did not make anything pertaining to seafood," added Hannah, kicking the end of my bed.

"Maaaaaaarmmmmm…" I groaned and rolled over, wrapping the sheets around me. "Get me… tissues…"

Both Hannah and Kate froze. They stared at me – at my puffy eyes, running nose, tangled hair, and pale face – and, without a doubt, they knew what ailment had me bedridden this morning.

Kate screamed. And Hannah fled the room. They slammed the door behind them and I was left alone, tangled in my bed sheets to my impending doom (yes, I know what wonderful and loyal friends I have – to come to my aid in a time of desperate need…).

"Who is screaming this early in the morning?"

I heard footsteps outside the bedroom door and the deep voice of Leader drilled into my brain.

"We were screaming," said Kate. "But not without reason…"

"And what," said Leader, his tone low and deadly, "Merits screaming this early in the morning? I need my beauty sleep, you know."

"Dessie has a cold."

There was a pause. Then, slowly, Leader said, "So what does that have to do with screaming?"

Kate sighed heavily and I imagined Hannah patting Leader on the shoulder pityingly. Finally, it was Hannah who explained the situation to Leader. "You see," she said. "When Dessie has a cold…things can get very scary. I suggest you keep your distance and – er – send in a sacrificial lamb to take care of her."

"Sacrificial lamb?"

"Ms. Wendy used to hire someone for the specific purpose of being the sacrificial lamb when Dessie was sick… It was a renowned position throughout the city."

"No one wanted to job," added Kate. "Ms. Wendy paid _a lot_ of money for it."

"A lot," emphasized Hannah.

"Did I hear something about a lot of money?"

The deep, memorable voice of Kakuzu joined the others outside my bedroom door. His heavy footsteps came to a halt and – for a moment – my aching head found peace. Then, Hannah decided to break the silence by saying: "Yes, but it doesn't involve you."

"Anything that has to do with a lot of money involves me," pointed out Kakuzu.

"Dessie's sick," explained Kate.

"Then send Tobi in to take care of her," said Kakuzu. "No one cares if anything bad happens to him."

"Hmm…" said Leader thoughtfully.

"S-s-some people care what happens to T-T-Tobi…" pointed out Kate.

"Well," said Leader grimly. "I don't. Kakuzu, have Tobi get Dessie some tissues and stuff. I'm actually kind of curious to see what has Hannah and Kate running scared."

"Everything has Kate running scared," said Kakuzu.

"But Hannah too?"

"Oh yeah… Hannah doesn't get scared as easily…" Kakuzu thought about it for a moment. "Fine. Now I'm curious too. I'll go get Tobi."

There was a stampede of footsteps leaving the door and I was left alone with no voices to distract me from my agony. I rolled over in bed and buried my face in the pillow groaning. I felt like shit. Yep… deep shit…And with that, I drifted off into a deep sleep…

* * *

><p>There once was a pretty servant girl named Dessie. She hadn't always been a servant girl. Once she had lived in a big, expensive mansion with her rich father and her equally as wealthy mother. But, one day when Dessie was not but a small child, her mother passed away of an illness, and Dessie and her father were left alone.<p>

They lived happily together for some time, but Dessie's father felt that she needed a mother to care for her. So, he remarried. However, the woman he married was secretly a nasty, detestable woman who hated Dessie and spoiled her own two daughters (Hannah and Kate).

Dessie's life became miserable and he father did not realize it, since Stepmother hid her cruelties so well. The only moments of happiness in Dessie's life was when her father would talk to her and read her stories in the evenings. But then, one day, Dessie's father died in a mysterious accident and Dessie was left alone with Hannah, Kate, and her evil Stepmother.

The years passed by and Dessie was forced to become a slave to Stepmother and her daughters. Dessie dressed in rags and was forced to subdue her overwhelming and spectacular beauty (because Stepmother was so jealous).

But even if her outside was plain at the moment, on the inside Dessie was–

"This is so stupid!" I screamed, throwing the broom against the wall and watching it snap it two. "There is no way – in this whole shitty planet – that I will ever be forced to subdue my beauty. Hello? I'm _gorgeous_! A couple of rags couldn't cover up _this_ face of perfection!"

There came the sound of footsteps on stairs and I looked over to see Hannah entering the kitchen.

"Aren't you supposed to be upstairs waiting for me to bring you breakfast?" I asked irritably.

"Like hell I will," said Hannah, rolling her eyes. "Besides, you can't cook to save your life. Remember the bread pudding you made?"

I cringed. "My nose will never be the same again."

"Yep." Hannah popped some bread in the toaster and leaned casually against the counter top. "So, I guess I'm playing the role of the ugly-stepsister."

"It suits you," I said cheerfully. "I get to become the beautiful princess and you get to become the villain."

"That is true," said Hannah thoughtfully. "You know how much I love the villain roles…and they suit me and my personality so well." (Insert chuckle of evilness here)

The toast popped up and Hannah left, waving good-bye over her shoulder. She made sure to trip me up on her way out (just to emphasize her evilness). Only minutes after Hannah was gone, Kate came sprinting down the stairs into the kitchen, wailing at the top of her lungs. She flung her arms around my neck and cried: "Dessie, I don't want to be the ugly-stepsister!"

"Well," I said awkwardly. "You can hardly help it."

"Make me a mouse instead! You know I had a crush on Jacques when we watched the Cinderella movie!"

I smacked my forehead. "You _still_ have a crush on Jacques?"

Kate nodded her head enthusiastically.

"Pervert," I muttered and detached her from hugging me. "You shouldn't act so friendly towards me – I am the girl you're supposed to be evil to."

Kate frowned. "But I don't want to be evil! I want to be good!"

"Kate…"

"Fine!" she cried, folding her arms across her chest and marching upstairs angrily. "Hannah and I will revolt against these awful roles! Just you wait and see!"

"Hannah likes being an ugly step-sister…" I muttered.

Dessie worked and worked her life away in her father's mansion. She wasn't allowed to go out and have fun and her only friends were the animals that lived on the estate – (I can assure you that I kicked the dogs and fed poison to the mice) – And then, one day, a royal carriage pulled up outside the mansion and one of the king's men invited _all_ the young ladies of the household to attend a royal ball so that the prince may select his future wife.

Stepmother, Hannah, and Kate were thrilled – (I can assure that Hannah was _less_ than thrilled at the idea of dressing up and going dancing) – and they prepared excitedly for the ball.

Dessie was excited to go too (a chance to show of her stunning good-looks), but Stepmother declared that Dessie could only go if she finished all her chores and had a dress to wear. Dessie worked her fingers to the bone to finish all her chores while her mice friends stitched her a dress using their colossal teamwork – (I threatened the other servants to do the chores for me and then stole one of Kate's dresses to wear),

But when sweet, kind Dessie went downstairs to attend the ball, her stepsisters went into a rage at how beautiful she was (understandable) and they tried to rip Dessie's dress to pieces (and she promptly punched them all in the faces and ran off into the sunset, laughing all the way).

The Stepmother and her daughters left Dessie sitting on the steps of the house in a tore dress and unable to go to the ball. Dessie wept in misery (I most certainly did not!) and then, suddenly, with a sparkle a woman appear in front of Dessie waving a magic wand.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked.

"I am your fairy godmother."

"My fairy whatsimijiggy?"

She woman scowled slightly and tapped her wand impatiently against her thigh. "I am your _fairy godmother_ and I am _here to help you_!"

I looked at her face, which was wrinkled with coarse gray hairs growing out of her head. And then I looked at her dress, which was blue and puffy. And then I looked at her feet, which were abnormally large. And, finally, I said, "No thanks – I don't accept help from ugly people."

The fairy godmother's face turned a vivid shade of purple and she cried, "Aren't you supposed to be kind and friendly and so wonderful that all the animals heed your call."

I snorted. "I'm selfish, vain, and cruel and so awful that all the animals heed my call – because they're terrified I'll beat them up if they don't. I find that violence works so much better."

"And look where it got you now," said the fairy godmother, pointing at my tattered dress."

"This?" I asked, pointing at the worn fabric. "This is because the plot narrator wouldn't let me do things my way. If things were done _my way_ – I'd be the tyrannical mistress of this house with Stepmother as my slave and Hannah as my right hand villainess and Kate as – er – my jester."

The fairy godmother gazed at me for a moment. "I only help sweet, little innocent girls. I'm leaving. I'd say it was nice to meet you, but it wasn't – so, good-bye."

"Hold on a second," I said, getting up from my seat on the steps and walking across the lawn to catch hold of the fairy godmother by the dress. "You can get me to the ball."

"So…" she said slowly.

"So," I said. "I need a new gown, some new slippers and a coach to take me to the ball. Oh, and I might need some coachmen to drive me there… Hmmm…"

"And why would I give you all that?" snapped the fairy godmother angrily.

I grinned and – _smack_! – punched her in the mouth. She tumbled backwards and lay on the ground. When she sat up the corner of her lip was bleeding and she stared at me incredulously.

"What are you doing!" she wailed.

"Quit your whining," I said. "You are going to _give me_ what I want or I will wake you life a living hell!"

"You awful b – brat," said the fairy godmother. But, she got to her feet and waved her wand and I found myself standing there in a beautiful blood-red dress with two glass slippers. With a whistle, the animals of the estate came fearfully to my side and the fairy godmother transformed them into fearful humans instead.

"Why is my dress red?" I asked irritably. "Isn't it supposed to be blue?"

"Nothing could match you better than a red dress," said the fairy godmother unhappily.

"Oh-ha-ha," I grumbled. "Shut the hell up, bitch."

In order to help the poor, sweet girl, Dessie' fairy godmother waved her wand and gave Dessie a beautiful new gown, a beautiful coach with young men to drive it, and, of course, she gave Dessie two gorgeous glass slippers to wear. And, dressed in style, Dessie headed off for the royal ball to meet her prince charming.

The moment Dessie entered the grand hall she was the talk of the ball. Everyone was talking about the mysterious beauty who had captured the prince's heart. Dessie was ecstatic (after all, who didn't love being referred to as the mysterious beauty). And, as the final dance of the night arrived, Dessie was asked to dance by the prince himself! (HOTTIE!)

The two fell in love, but at the moment the clock struck twelve, Dessie was forced to flee, leaving behind a precious glass slipper – the prince's only means of locating Dessie.

Back at the mansion, Stepmother and her two daughters arrived back from the ball in a rage. Stepmother locked Dessie in her room and refused to let Dessie out. Kate was terribly jealous of Dessie while Hannah didn't care at all (she simply wanted to lock me in my room for the sake of being evil).

The next morning, the prince arrived at the residence. He was having every maiden in the city try on the glass slipper and whoever it fit was his true love (clearly this prince has never heard of people having the same shoe size).

But as the stepsisters tried on the slipper one-by-one, Dessie was locked in her room with no escape. Luckily, her animal friends were there help–

"I am not getting shitty help from my shitty animals friends!" I screamed. "How many times do I have to tell you that all the animals hate me! They're probably laughing at me and plotting my demise! And I can get out of this stupid room myself!"

And with that, I kicked down the door and sprinted to the downstairs. Stepmother, Hannah, and Kate looked at me in surprise.

"How did you get out of that room?" asked Stepmother incredulously.

"Who the hell do you think I am?" I snapped. "I can kick down a shitty door no problem! No give me the shoe before I murder all you bitches."

With a trembling hand, the prince handed me the glass slipper and I tried it on – it was a perfect fit. I turned to him with a smile on my face (he looked rather petrified) and said, "Ha-ha! I was the bitch from last night – now marry me, Hottie!"

"Er…" The prince edged towards the door. "She must have the same shoe size as my true love…"

"Trying to back out of this now!" I cried and punched him in the face.

His nose broke and he crumpled to the ground, crying helplessly.

"Why is the prince such a wimp?" I asked angrily. "I don't want to marry a weakling Hottie!"

"I'll marry him!" said Kate.

"What happened to Jacques?"

"I think you fed him to the cat for fun last week…"

I grinned. "He squealed like a little girl!"

The prince sat up on the floor, wiping away his tears and screaming at the top of his lungs, "Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!"

I kicked him in the side of the head to shut him up. And then, I turned to regard the army of guards who were now out for my head… I'm pretty sure this isn't how Cinderella was supposed to end up…

* * *

><p>"Dessie-Nunu! Dessie-Nunu! Please don't kill Tobi, Dessie-Nunu!"<p>

I opened my eyes and found myself standing in the middle a hurricane wreckage. Or, at least, that's what I thought it was. A moment later I realized that the wreckage was, in fact, my bedroom. However, the beds were upturned, the door had been ripped off its hinges and the pillow had been torn to shreds with the feathers floating around the room. The entire Akatsuki and Hannah and Kate stood in the doorway watching in horror as I tried to tear Tobi's head off his neck.

"Er…" said Kisame awkwardly. "Is this why we should be very afraid when Dessie has colds."

"Yep," said Hannah grimly. "We call them the Princess Hours…"

"Which fairytale did you dream about this time?" asked Kate.

"Cinderella," I said. "You two were the ugly step-sisters…"

"Why does a princess fairytale end up with such a violent sleepwalker?" asked Konan curiously.

"Because it's Dessie."

"Ohhhh," said Konan as if the realization had just dawned on her. "I understand."

"You should have seen her when she thought she was Mulan," said Hannah. "She used the kitchen mop as a sword and cut open all the walls and furniture with it… And then there was the time she thought she was Snow White…"

Kate snickered. "And she ran around the house hitting Ms. Wendy on the head saying – you perverted little men – and the like."

Tobi slipped out of my strangling grip and sprinted across the room to hide behind Hannah. "Why is Dessie-Nunu so scary when she's sick! Tobi was terrified!"

"Don't worry," I said grinning at the wreckage. "I'm all better now."

"At least her colds are short," said Hannah. Rule Number Forty-Nine: "Tobi makes a good sacrificial lamb."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yet another fun filler chapter where Dessie goes psycho with yet another of her crazy dreams. YAY! And now - the moment you have all been waiting for - NEXT CHAPTER CONTAINS PLOT! YAAAAAAAAY! And this plot will take up the next 39 chapters until the story comes to an end. YAY! Now, REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! I LOVE YOU ALL SO REVIEW!  
><strong>


	50. A Foreign Intruder

**Chapter Fifty: A Foreign Intruder **

**_Rule Number Fifty: Don't let Kisame cook often_**

**Kate **

I, Katherine Anne Marie Collins, declare Mondays to be _the_ single worst day of the week.

It was somewhere around dinner time and I was bored to death. Leader had finally managed to get Dessie to fix our room after her disastrous Princess Hours. Hannah decided it would be fun to watch Dessie work while I was forced to prepare lunch for the Akatsuki. I think Hidan was in the middle of a sacrifice (big surprise) and Kakuzu had gone on a quick trip to the bank to make sure he was getting the proper interest. Itachi was reading. Kisame was feeding his sword (I swear, he treats that thing as if it were his own flesh-and-blood child) and Deidara was making some more exploding clay. Tobi was, I suspect, with Dessie and Hannah trying to get them to play House with him. Zetsu was – er – eating. And, lastly, Leader and Konan were working.

So I was left alone to my gruesome work of making lunch. At least Zetsu had the courtesy of preparing his own. Kisame offered to cook for me, being the kind boyfriend that he is, but I didn't want to eat any more seafood. Rule Number Fifty: Don't let Kisame cook too often – you will die of seafood overload.

The door to the kitchen opened and – speak of the devil – said boyfriend slipped inside.

"Hey, Kate," he said, grinning and revealing all of his pointy teeth. "How's lunch coming?"

"Good. Want to help?"

"Can I add salmon to the curry?" he asked.

"Adding salmon to chicken curry is not a good idea," I reminded him for the umpteenth time. "Er… maybe you should just watch."

Kisame sighed and leaned against the counter next to me while I measured out the necessary spices. Kisame smiled fondly and said, "Look at my honey; she's cooking like a proper woman."

I turned to glare at him (a rather pitiful thing coming from me). "Don't tell me you're ne of those sexist types."

A sly grin spread across Kisame's face and he moved over to wrap his arms around my waist playfully. "And what do you mean by 'one of those sexist types'? Hmm?"

I grabbed the knife I had been using to cut the chicken a waggled it at Kisame's arms threateningly. "I'll cut off your fingers if you keep playing around in the kitchen you know."

"You couldn't cut someone if you tried," said Kisame.

"I–"

"FREEZE!"

Kisame and I froze.

We stood there – Kisame with his arms wrapped around my waist and his head resting on top of mine and me holding my kitchen knife threateningly – and then we turned our heads, slowly, to stare at the door of the kitchen.

A man stood there, dressed in a navy-blue uniform and holding a shiny black gun. The gun was outstretched in his trembling hands, pointing at Kisame's and my heads, prepared to shoot at any moment. A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead under his curly brown hair.

I glanced at Kisame nervously, but his dark eyes were fixed on the police officer's face.

"What are you doing here?" barked Kisame angrily.

"Don't move!" shouted the cop.

"I think he's a little surprised to see us," said Kisame, his arms still wrapped tightly around my waist. "Obviously he's stunned by your incredible good-looks."

My face turned bright red. "And here I th-thought it was because he saw a thirty-two year old blue shark-man hugging a twenty-year-old girl… That's got to scream s-s-sexual harassment…"

"Are you really that much younger than me?" asked Kisame. "Hmm… Maybe I have a Lolita Complex…"

"Silence!" shouted the cop, his hands shaking more violently now. "And you," he added, addressing me now. "Put the weapon down!"

Slowly, I turned my attention to the knife clutched in my hands and then to the cop. "It's not me you need to worry about, sir. If I were y-y-you, I would put _your_ weapon down – before you get hurt."

"Are you threatening me?" asked the cop darkly.

"N-n-n-no…"

And then Leader brought his fist down on the back of the cop's skull. We watched at the cop crumpled to the floor unconscious. Leader prodded the police officer scornfully with his toe. Leader looked up at Kisame and me and said, "We have a meeting in ten minutes. Bring this guy along with you. Oh, and don't do perverted stuff around the food." Then, Leader left.

* * *

><p>"We have a problem."<p>

Kakuzu snorted and kicked the now-conscious police officer roughly. "You think? What the hell is this bastard doing here? Isn't he one of those cop-people from your world?" He directed the question towards Hannah.

She nodded and eyed the cop warily. "He must have used the portal…"

"How, uhn?" asked Deidara.

The cop struggled against the ropes that bound him and let out several cries which were muffled by the kitchen-towel that was tied around his mouth. I felt sorry for him, but then again, he had pulled a gun on Kisame and me.

"Why don't we just ask him?" said Hannah and, without warning, she stepped over to the cop and pulled the kitchen-towel off his face.

The cop gasped for breath and stared up at Hannah fearfully, tears welling up in his big brown eyes.

"Aw look!" exclaimed Hidan. "The bastard's going to cry!"

"Don't be a shithead!" shouted Dessie, punching him in the arm. "Who's going to ask him questions?"

Automatically, everyone turned to Itachi, who was the best at extracting information. With a sigh, Itachi moved closer to the cop and stared down at the poor man through his blood-red eyes. After a minute or two of just staring, Itachi finally asked, "What's you name?"

"K-K-Kevin Black…"

"Can we kill him yet?" asked Hidan.

"How about we eat him," said Zetsu.

Itachi ignored both of them and continued asked Kevin questions. "How did you get here?"

"I stepped inside of a floating blue sphere and… and… there was this, darkness… and then, nothing… and thin, when I opened my eyes, I was lying on a cement floor… I wandered about for a bit and found _them_–" he jerked his head in Kisame's and my direction, "Spooning in the kitchen."

The Akatsuki fought to restrain laughter as they glanced at me.

"Spooning?" asked Deidara. "You two were _spooning_?"

Kisame grinned confidently while my face turned a brilliant shade of magenta and I buried my face in Kisame's side.

"How did you find the blue orb?" asked Itachi, ignoring all distractions (like I said, he was the best interrogator – everyone else gets sidetracked far too easily).

"The police…" murmured Kevin. "Have the house where you criminals disappeared in staked out. They've been investigating the place for months now and they've yet to find anything… And then, I wandered across the blue orb…"

"So, basically," said Leader rather bored now. "Police officers will keep finding this blue orb until we do something about it…"

Everyone nodded grimly.

"Then shouldn't we send someone there to do something about it?" I asked timidly.

Leader considered this. "I suppose we should."

"Oh! Oh!" Tobi waved his hand in the air wildly. "Tobi wants to go! Tobi wants to go!"

"Er… No." Leader glanced around the room. "Is anyone else volunteering?"

Much to everyone's surprise, Kakuzu raised a stumpy hands into the air to catch Leader's attention. Leader stared at Kakuzu in surprise and then, finally, he asked, "_You_ want to go Kakuzu?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "I haven't seen Ms. Wendy in awhile."

"Oh," Leader groaned. "Right, your _true love_."

There was scattered laughter around the room as everyone envisioned Kakuzu-In-Love. Let's just say the image did not end well. In fact, if I might admit, it was kind of a little frightening.

"You don't know what love is!" declared Dessie, pointing at Kakuzu angrily.

"I don't?" sneered Kakuzu.

"No!" snapped Dessie. "You're just in love with my – and soon to be Ms. Wendy's – money! Money is your only love not Ms. Wendy!"

"Yeah? So?" Kakuzu stared at Dessie blankly, not quite understanding her point of concern.

Dessie glared at Kakuzu and then, after a moment, she walked across the room past Kevin and kicked Kakuzu in the shins. He swore and clutched his shins, hopping around the room madly while Dessie walked back to her place in the circle in between Deidara and Itachi.

"Well," said Leader. "Now that we have one volunteer… anyone else willing to go?"

"Hn…"

I gawped at Itachi, unable to believe what I had just heard.

"What!" cried Deidara, pointing at Itachi (rather rudely, I might add).

Kisame just rolled his eyes dramatically and whacked Deidara on the back. "For those of you hard of hearing," said Kisame. "Itachi just said that he thinks it would be interesting and since the mission needs someone with a level head, he'll go."

"You got all that from one 'hn'?" muttered Deidara incredulously.

"I'm levelheaded!" shouted Kakuzu, still clutching his shin.

"Hn…"

Kisame chuckled. "He says that you kill people too easily and, if Itachi is there, you will have some restraint."

"The Uchiha can talk for himself!" roared Kakuzu.

"Now, Kakuzu," said Kisame, waggling his index-finger warningly. "We all know that Uchiha's are incapable of normal human speech and therefore much resort to the 'hn' language for communication."

"Bullshit!" (this was Hidan joining in the conversation)

"Even food can talk better than Itachi." (Zetsu's black half)

Kevin looked ready to wet his pants as he sat on the floor, staring up – wide-eyed – as the criminally insane Akatsuki argued about whether 'hn's were a form of communication or not.

"Silence or I will rip out shreds of your flesh and feed them to Kakashi Hatake's ninja dogs – then I will tie you to a gigantic boulder and leave you there for the dogs to hunt you dogs and slowly eat you alive."

"Or you can just unleash the Zetsu on them," added Hannah.

Leader glared at her and Hannah shrunk into silence.

"So," said Leader. "I have already decided on the Go to Earth and Deal with the Glowing Blue Orb Team – otherwise known as GEDGBOT, We have Kakuzu, who volunteered, Deidara–"

"Why do I have to go?" asked Deidara. "Aren't I a wanted terrorist there?"

"Is that a change from this world?" asked Dessie nastily.

"Did I not say to _shut up_?" snarled Leader. And, of course, everyone shut up. Leader glared at them all before continuing. "Kakuzu and Deidara and Itachi… and…" Leader glanced around the room. "Kate."

"EH?"

Before more arguments could break out, Leader continued to explain his decision, "Dessie's too obnoxious and Hannah is known on the missing list. Kate is the best for an Earth mission. End of story. Now, moving on to the issue of Kevin Black here."

The cop's eyes grew wide and he turned to stare at Leader fearfully. Leader, however, cared little for Kevin's safety and continued talking.

"I nominate that we kill him."

"What?" I wailed. "You can't just kill him!"

"Why not?" asked Leader. "We most certainly can. He's just a useless character that the author made up for the sake of moving the story along – we are most certainly allowed to kill him."

"But… but… he's a living human being…" I tried to explain but you can't explain the value of human life to the Akatsuki – they just don't really care. In my last bit of desperation, I turned to Kisame and wailed, "Help me!"

"Er…" Kisame glanced at Leader awkwardly. "Well, yeah, we should, um, spare the dude's life… I guess…"

"That wasn't very convincing," muttered Dessie.

"Kisame's just saying that because his _girlfriend_ told him too," snapped Deidara.

"It's b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t," snapped Hidan.

"Yay! You can spell 'bullshit'," cried Dessie, clapping her hands excitedly. "I'm so proud of you Hidan, you passed second-grade."

"Shut the hell up, bitch!"

"And he has the vocabulary of a middle-school kid," added Dessie. "Isn't he just so clever?"

"Dessie…" said Hannah warningly. "Don't mess with Hidan. I really don't feel liking cleaning up yet another one of your blood baths today. And Hidan," she added, rounding on the other party of this fight. "I don't mind incapacitating you and taking away that manly pride of yours."

While Hidan scuttled away from Hannah back to his place in the circle beside Kakuzu, Deidara grinned and wrapped and arm around Hannah's shoulders. "Aw, she's so adorable, uhn. Can we take her to Earth instead?"

"No, we're keeping her," said Zetsu's white half. Zetsu pushed his way between Deidara and Hannah and glared at Deidara coldly. "Hannah is staying with _us_."

"This is stupid," said Hannah and she walked right past both of them to go stand beside Kakuzu in the circle. "Are we going to kill the cop or not?"

Leader sighed. "All in favor say 'aye'."

There was a chorus of 'aye's from the Akatsuki (except Kisame) and from those who were opposed there came a few scattered 'nay's (from Hannah, Dessie, Kisame, and me). With a smile, Leader declared that Hidan was permitted to sacrifice Kevin to Jashin-sama later – _after_ the meeting was adjourned.

"Stupid Jashin," muttered Dessie. "Warg is far better than Jashin! He will crush your pathetic god into tiny bite sized pieces!"

"Jashin-sama is mightier than Warg!" screeched Hidan. "Who is Warg – the god of the daisies?"

"Jashin is the god of the bunny-rabbits!"

"Warg is the god of the rainbow!"

"Jashin is the god of marshmallows!"

"Warg is the god of – of – of pretty purple paper!"

"Jashin is the god of pink clouds!"

"Warg is the god of – of animal crackers!"

"Oh yeah?" Dessie grinned triumphantly. "Jashin is the _goddess of peace and harmony_."

"AH!" screamed Hidan, covering his ears in horror. "Blasphemy! Blasphemy! I will behead you, heathen! How dare you breathe such words of blasphemy about the all powerful Jashin-sama!"

(Insert evil Dessie laugh here). "I won, bastard! I won! You're pitiful Jashin is no match for the mighty Warg!"

Leader sighed and rubbed his temples wearily. "Why can't you all shut up?"

Dessie and Hidan stopped trying to behead each other and turned to stare at Leader blankly. Finally, Hidan found his voice and said, with a huge grin on his face, "Because this is fun."

* * *

><p>The entire Akatsuki and their fake whores crowded into the basement. I nervously stood at the front of the crowd, squished between Itachi and Deidara. The blue orb however in front of us, casting a faint blue glow across our faces. Kakuzu looked sort of eager to go – I guess he did have the supposed love of his life waiting on the other side. Deidara looked reluctant to go and he kept shooting glances over his shoulder at Hannah and Zetsu (Zetsu kept smirking victoriously at Deidara). Itachi, on the other hand, looked just plain bored with the whole affair.<p>

"Are you ready?" asked Konan. "You remember your – er – mission."

"Yeah, yeah," said Deidara, waving off Konan's words. "Stop people from getting through the stupid orb. We know, uhn."

"Can we go now?" asked Kakuzu. "I don't want to be around while Hidan sacrifices that stupid bastard to Jashin."

"Don't insult my god!" shouted Hidan, but before he could punish Kakuzu appropriately, Kakuzu stepped into the blue orb and – with a flash of light – vanished.

"One down, three to go," said Hannah darkly.

"You have anything you want me to say to Ms. Wendy?" I asked Dessie.

Dessie snorted and scowled. "Tell her that the least she can do is make sure Blake has a happy life and to enjoy my money."

"Hey, Zetsu!" shouted Deidara.

Zetsu turned to glare at Deidara, his yellow eyes flashing in anger. "What do you want?" asked the black-half irritably.

"When I get back," said Deidara. "I'm going to skin you alive and feed you to you cousin – Mr. I'm-A-Bigger-Venus-Fly-Trap-Than-Thou! Eat that you shithead prick, uhn!" And then Deidara jumped into the blue orb leaving a stunned looking Zetsu and a rather amused-looking Hannah behind.

"They're all idiots," muttered Itachi before he followed Deidara and Kakuzu.

"He spoke!" gasped Dessie. "Hottie spoke!"

"He said a whole one word," grumbled Leader. "That's hardly impressive."

"For Itachi, it is," said Kisame.

"Finally!" wailed Dessie, flinging her arms around Kisame's neck in a hug. "Someone who understands!"

"Hey!" I cried. "Don't make a move on my boyfriend while I'm gone!"

Dessie let go of Kisame and turned to grin at me villainously. "Come back in one piece, bitch, or your boyfriend is _mine_."

Kisame rolled his eyes and, without warning, lifted Dessie right off the floor. She shrieked and struggled against his grip, but he ignored her. Slowly, Kisame carried Dessie across the room and set her down in Hidan's arms (both Hidan and Dessie look as though they had been hit over the head with a hammer; then they proceeded to try and kill each other as always).

"Stay safe," Kisame told me, ignoring the squawks of Dessie and Hidan as they tried to lob off one another's ligaments.

"I will," I promised him, a warm blush working its way up my cheeks as I realized the rest of the Akatsuki were watching us. "And don't hit on any women while I'm gone."

"Wouldn't dream of it," said Kisame innocently.

"Don't worry," said Hannah, patting Kisame comfortingly on the shoulder. "If he does, I will personally maim him until even his fishy friends cannot recognize him as a sea-critter. Trust me, Kisame, if you hurt my friend I will put you in a world of hurt so painfully that you can't even remember what it was like to live without agony." Hannah smiled sweetly and then walked away, avoiding Tobi's attempt at a hug.

"Er… yeah…" said Kisame awkwardly. "See – how am I supposed to cheat on you with _that_ lurking in my shadow!"

I giggled. "See ya." And, before I could think, I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and sprinted into the blue orb so that no one could see my blush. There was a flash of bright blue light and then I was hurtling through darkness towards a whole different dimension.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: And so the plot begins. Ah, I love Hidan and Dessie. Their violent fights are filled with love. hahaha Even though authors shouldn't pick favorites amongst their three main characters, Dessie is mine. Because she is A LOT like me. I don't swear as much as she does, but I'm violent (my friends can attest to this) and I chase Hotties around (hahahaha Princess Pose whenever I see a Hottie)... er, yeah, enough of my ramblings. Kate - YAY for Kate - she finally got a boyfriend!Took her long enough and I think Kate and Kisame are the second most adorable couple. There wasn't a lot of Hannah is this story, sorry, but this was Kate's chapter (for once she had the limelight) but we did get some adorable Deidara vs Zetsu moments. Hahahaha I'm rambling! Yay! **

**PLEASE REVIEW, MY BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, WONDERFUL, FANTASTICAL, (INSERT COMPLIMENT OF CHOICE HERE) READERS!  
><strong>

**POLL! For the heck of it a put a poll up on my profile page asking: Who is your favorite of the five OCs (that includes Damon and Sonia) please answer the poll... please... pretty please?  
><strong>


	51. Into the Blue

**Chapter Fifty-One: Into the Blue**

**_Rule Number Fifty-One: Leader doesn't care_**

**Hannah**

Exactly one week to the day has passed since Kakuzu, Deidara, Itachi, and Kate left the Akatsuki hideout via the blue orb to go find a way of stopping humans from Earth from accidently wandering into this dimension (I successfully managed to sum up the last chapter in one sentence – yay!). It has been one week and none of us have heard from any of them.

"Do you think they're dead?"

"Dessie…" I groaned, leaning back against the recliner and rolling my eyes.

"Well do you?" Dessie shuffled her deck of cards again and started to deal out a game of solitaire. "I mean, it is a possibility."

"It's the Akatsuki," I pointed out. "They wouldn't die so easily."

"Well what if the cops just shot the Akatsuki to death as they arrived on Earth." Dessie formed a gun with her fingers and pointed it at me. "You know… Bang-bang-bang! Oops! They're all dead. Bye-bye, Kate."

"Dessie!"

"What? I'm being realistic here."

"You're giving me a headache, bitch," I snapped. "Now shut up!"

"Fine…" Dessie continued playing her game of solitaire in silence, flipping the cards up three at a time. "This sucks. Not only am I worried, but I'm as bored as hell – which gives me more time to think and more time to worry."

"Put the red-nine on the black-ten," I told her, gesturing at the solitaire game. Dessie did as I told her.

"Okay," said Dessie. "Suppose that they're not dead. What's taking them so long? Maybe the police put them in jail or something and now they're awaiting a court trail with some crap lawyer appointed by the courts…"

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered. "And what if they're sitting around in your mansion trying to find a solution to the problem sipping delicious Earl Grey tea that Ms. Wendy made for them over Kakuzu's proposal to her? Did you ever think of that?"

"Of course I did," said Dessie. "But I can't ignore the overwhelming possibility that they're all dead."

"I thought I was supposed to be the pessimist…" I muttered.

"You are," said Dessie. "This is kind of weird. Why am I the pessimistic one and you are being the optimist? The world is going to the dogs, I swear! First Kate and the others die and now you're being optimistic?"

"Shut up," I groaned. "What if Kisame hears you?"

"That Fish Fry has been moping about for too long…" muttered Dessie. "He should hear the truth."

"I'll pretend you didn't say that," I said grimly. "And you forgot to put the ace up."

Dessie glanced at her game of solitaire and then put the ace of diamonds up and the two with it, "You're distracting me – that's why I'm not doing well."

"Or maybe," I muttered. "It's because you're awful at solitaire."

"It's a game of luck – how can I be awful at it?'

There was a pause and we both sat there in silence. Dessie was playing her game of solitaire while I watched her intently. Both of our minds, however, were on bigger things than a useless card game.

"This is stupid, declared Dessie suddenly.

"I know," I said. "We should just–"

"Why does Kate have a boyfriend and I don't?" asked Dessie angrily. "It's just wrong! Like I said, the world bitching world is going to the dogs!"

I smiled. "And here I thought you were going to say waiting around to find out if Kate and the others are dead or not is stupid, we should go find them and help them."

"What?" asked Dessie. "Why would I be so self-sacrificing?"

"I know – stupid of me, right?"

"Very stupid." Dessie gather up the cards and began shuffling the deck again. "But what I was saying is – why don't I have a boyfriend? I want a boyfriend!"

"If you want a boyfriend so badly," I muttered. "Then get one. You know where to find one."

"No everyone is like you, Hannah," snapped Dessie. "We don't all have Zetsu and Deidara fighting for our love."

"Yeah… And not everyone has Hidan..."

"What about that bastard?" asked Dessie darkly. "Why did you mention that bastard?"

"I have a question," I said, ignoring Dessie's comment. "Why do you think Itachi is the Original Hottie and Sasuke is the Mini Hottie and Suigetsu is the Snow Hottie and Kakashi is the Masked Hottie… But you don't think Hidan is a Hottie at all? I mean, Hidan is as good-looking as the rest of them…"

"What are you talking about?" asked Dessie.

"Why don't you think Hidan is hot?" I said bluntly. "Why is he not a Hottie?"

Dessie stopped shuffling the cards and looked at me. Her gaze was dead serious, strong and unwavering. And then, in a slow, steady voice, she said, "With the Hottie you must part."

"What the hell?"

She let out a shriek of laughter. "Hannah! You should have seen your face! You bitch! You were all excited and then – you were all – What? I don't get this? Dessie you ho, what are you rattling on about?" Dessie doubled over with droves of laughter and clutched her stomach. "You… you… You looked so stupid!"

I rolled my eyes and leaned back in the recliner-chair. "I was stupid to expect a straight answer out of you."

"Why are we trying to get a straight answer out of Dessie?"

I glanced up at the doorway of the Living Room and saw Kisame, dressed in his Akatsuki uniform with his gigantic sward strapped to his back, staring at us curiously.

"Dessie, being an idiot," I said. "She can't admit that she's attracted to Hidan."

_That_ sobered Dessie up. She stopped laughing and sat up straight, slowly turning to stare at me. Then, she pulled her tennis shoe off her foot and hurled it at my head. And, unfortunately, Dessie has perfect aim. The show bounced off the left side of my forehead and hit the wall beside me with a heavy thud.

"Ow, bitch!" I screamed, clutching my forehead. "What was that for!"

"I am not attracted to that violent, cursing Jashinist."

"Anger management issues much?' asked Kisame, coming to sit on the couch behind Dessie.

"I'm going to have a bruise the size of Mount Rushmore!" I groaned, rubbing my forehead. "You'd better apologize – or I'll set Zetsu on you! And you know he'll listen to me!"

Dessie sighed heavily and, stiffly, she said, "I'm terribly sorry, Hannah, that I caused you pain – now please don't kill me."

"Good girl," I said before turning to Kisame. "So, Fish Fry, what brings you too our midst?"

"I miss Kate…"

"Warg…" muttered Dessie. "You sound like a love-sick puppy."

"I think that's because he _is_ a love sick puppy," I reminded her.

Kisame grinned and stretched out on the couch. "I thought I reminded you of a love-sick shark? Puppies don't really suit me at all."

"You're right," said Dessie. "You remind me of a love-sick rotten piece of tuna… Hmm… Kate really has bad taste in men, don't you think?"

"She has not taste," I corrected Dessie. "Kate falls in love for whatever guy saves her life – which, when you think about it, is pretty good taste in men – far better than your taste anyways…"

"What's wrong with my taste in men?" asked Dessie. "I like Hotties. End of story."

"That's exactly what's wrong with it."

"Me no comprehend."

Kisame and I exchanged exasperated glances, but neither of us could be bothered to explain to Dessie exactly what was wrong in her taste in men. So, instead, we decided to crowd around the coffee table and play a game of Spades. However, we needed four people, so Kisame hurried off to go find a fourth player. Unfortunately, the fourth player that Kisame found just so happened to be Hidan.

"This is a shitty game," said Hidan, sitting opposite Dessie as her partner.

"Why do I have to play with this son-of-a-bitch?" asked Dessie angrily. "Hannah! Switch places with me!"

"Over my dead body," I muttered.

We placed our bids and then started to play which, as it turned out, Dessie and Hidan were actually pretty good Spades partners (albeit their constant arguing and swearing).

Suddenly, out of the blue, Dessie said, "I miss Blake."

"Who is that?" asked Hidan waspishly.

"Her boyfriend," I said sappily. "Before Dessie left Earth last time, the two of them declared undying love for one another and Dessie promised to return to him after all this was over and they would marry and have little violent babies together…"

Dessie snorted and played down her card. "I wish. Blake is my red hot Ferrari."

"Oh yeah…" said Hidan thoughtfully. "Wasn't me married to your Porsche… Mary of Merry or something…"

"Blake the Ferrari," Dessie explained exasperatedly. "Is married to Maren the Mercedes, but Blake is having an affair with Bridgette the Porsche even though Bridgette is dating Roland the Rolls-Royce and Ajay the Aston Martin is Roland's brother, who knows about Bridgette's affair and is using this information to blackmail Blake."

"Blake's a bit of an ass," said Kisame as he played his card down.

"But that's what makes him so hot," explained Dessie.

"You're attracted to your car?" asked Hidan confusedly. "Isn't that sort of perverted?"

"He's my boy-toy."

"Don't come between Dessie and her cars," I said, gathering up the cards from the trick I had won. "She would choose Blake over any Hottie."

Dessie grinned. "That's because Blake is the Ultimate Hottie."

"He's a shitty car…" muttered Hidan.

"Last trick is ours," said Dessie. "And that makes the score eighty-one to negative fifty. Team Dessie-Hidan is winning. And, Hidan, don't call Blake 'shitty' if you want to see the sunshine again."

I gather up the cards and started to shuffle the deck.

"I want to see Kate," said Kisame. "And you want to see Blake… and they're both on Earth…"

"I don't like where your mind is headed," I said and began dealing out the cards.

"Really?" asked Dessie. "Because I like exactly where his mind is headed! All we have to do is jump into the blue orb go say 'hi' to Kate, Blake, and the others and make sure they're alright. Then we hop back into the blue orb before Leader even knows we're missing! What could go wrong?"

"A lot of things," I said dully, but the idea was already catching on.

"Let's go!" said Kisame, jumping up from his seat.

"You just want to leave because you're losing to the might of Dessie and me," said Hidan, but he followed Kisame and Dessie out of the room in the direction of the basement.

With a sigh, I threw down the deck of cards and hurried after them. We practically sprinted through the hallways and down the stone steps into the basement where the blue orb glowed brilliantly. The four of us crowded around the orb apprehensively, careful to keep a safe distance.

"Well," said Kisame. "I want to see my little bunny…"

Dessie snorted. "And I'm sure your little bunny misses you."

"Bunny?" asked Hidan confusedly. "What bunny? I thought we were talking about Kate…"

"Idiot!" snapped Dessie, punching Hidan on the shoulder. "Kate is the bunny!"

"Oh…"

Kisame laughed and stepped into the orb and Dessie followed him quickly. Hidan and I stood there, staring at the molten blue surface of the orb. I glanced at Hidan, shrugged, and then pushed him into the orb after Kisame and Dessie. There was a flash of light and Hidan had disappeared as well.

"Well," I said, making my way backup the stone steps. "We'll see if there's any love development when they get back."

And with that, I went back through the halls to Leader's office. I opened the door and stepped inside. Leader sat at his gigantic oaken desk flipping through papers while Konan sat at a small desk beside him, with her own files to examine. Konan looked up when I entered the room, but Leader didn't even spare me a glance.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Kisame went through the blue orb because he missed Kate."

"I don't care."

"Dessie went with him because she missed her car."

"I _don't _care."

"Oh, and I pushed Hidan in after her because I thought there might be some love development if they spent more time together."

"_I don't care_."

I shrugged and left the office to go find some other mildly entertaining activity to participate in. "I just thought you might want to know."

Rule Number Fifty-One: Leader doesn't care.

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><p><strong>AN: REVIEW!  
><strong>


	52. Out of the Blue

**Author's Note: Yes, I'm doing this before the chapter ends for a reason - because I LOVE the ending of this chapter. Hahaha I've gotten so many reviews saying "Hidan and Dessie had better get together soon!" Well, I can't promise you anything, but I can tell you that SOMETHING will happen between them hahahaha **

**Please read and REVIEW and enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Two: Out of the Blue<strong>

**_Rule Number Fifty-Three: When Hidan says "over my dead body" he means it to the extreme_**

**Dessie**

I awoke to find myself lying on top of sand. Lots and lots of sand. It wasn't like the soft, squishy beach sand that's fun to run through while holding hands with a Hottie with the sun setting on the horizon… (allow me a moment a happiness while I envision this scene)… No, I was lying on top of the same kind of harsh, cruel sand that was found on a desert floor. It was not a comfortable feeling.

Slowly, I sat up right, and looked around. Let me tell you now, it was not a happy picture. With Kisame and Hidan lying unconscious on either side of me, I was in the middle of a long, vast desert with a few mountains reaching up towards the blood-red sky to my right and nothing but flat lands to my left. Straight ahead, towards the horizon, a city rose out of the sands, but it was so far away that I had to squint to see it and from here I couldn't be sure that it wasn't a mirage.

The thing, however, that stood out the most to me was the gigantic red sun that floated high in the sky as if suspended by the thin, fragile thread. As I gazed up at the burning red sun, only one thought drifted through my head: This was not my world.

Somehow, by some miracle, I had ended up in yet another dimension that was not Earth, but nor was it in the world where the Akatsuki lived. This was somewhere entirely new.

"What the hell?" Hidan rubbed his head wearily and sat upright on the desert ground. Like me, he looked around dumbfounded and unable to believe his eyes. "Is this… Earth?" he asked incredulously. "Because if it is, this place has gone to the dumps."

"It's not Earth…" I told him softly. "We're in a whole different dimension now…"

"Well damn," said Hidan. "This place is built like crap."

I nodded. "Big crap."

"What's crap?" Kisame sat up and rubbed his head wearily. Squinted through his dark eyes, Kisame looked around and slowly his face transformed from tired to horrified. "Have we, um, been here before?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Well this sucks. And here I was hoping to see Kate – instead I end up in some wasteland."

"Some crappy wasteland," Hidan corrected.

"Well," I said, looking around. "Should we head towards the city and see where we ended up."

"Can't we just go home?" asked Hidan. "I don't want to spend another minute in this shitty place."

"But I want to see where we are," I said stubbornly. "Shouldn't we go see."

"Where is this city, anyways?" asked Kisame.

I pointed in the distance where a bright light glowed over dark shadows of buildings and houses. Kisame raised a hand over his eyes to shield them from the sun and he stared towards the horizon.

"Well," he said softly. "Would you imagine that. A city…" He hopped to his feet and grinned over his shoulder at Hidan and me. "Shall we go see what hell of a place we ended up in?"

"Yeah, yeah…" muttered Hidan. "I'm going to regret this."

And with that, the three of us set off across the desert. Step by step we made our way through the sand towards the city in the distance. It was a difficult enough journey without adding in Hidan's constant complaining and cursing everything about this world.

"It all sucks," he said grimly. "The sand. The city. The sky. The wind. The sun. It all sucks like rotten eggs."

"You're not making any sense," I muttered irritably. "Now shut up."

"Make me."

I aimed a ferocious kick at Hidan's behind, but he dodged it with ease and turned to me with a devilish grin.

"Ah-ha!" he cried. "I have now gained enough experience to dodge you blows, bitch! Now what are you going to do?"

I rolled my eyes. "Took you long enough. Are you really that slow?"

"Slow?" asked Hidan. "Did you just call me slow?"

"Warg," I groaned "He gets even slower by the second."

"Quit saying Warg," snapped Hidan. "Warg is a god you made up on the spot just to spite me. Warg is not real! And now you have the whole Akatsuki saying Warg-Warg-Warg-Warg all the time! So freaking annoying!"

"Warg," said Kisame helpfully.

"Shut the hell up!"

"And how do we know that Jashin isn't a fake god that you made up?" I asked. "I mean, there's no proof that he exists."

"I'm immortal, aren't I!" screamed Hidan, punching me on the shoulder rather painfully. "How else could I be immortal if it weren't for the great and mighty Jashin-sama!"

"I don't know," I muttered. "I'm sure there is some sort of jutsu that allows you to become immortal that has nothing to do with Jashin. Maybe Jashin's just a lie to cover up the unreasonableness behind your blood lust."

"Jashin-sama is real!"

"You sound like a little kid talking about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny."

"Who the hell are they!"

"Jashin-sama's siblings," I muttered.

Kisame walked on beside us, listening to our conversation but not really caring. Every once in awhile he would pat us on the shoulders and say: "There, there children. Both of your gods are real. Now stop fighting and agree to disagree." At which point both Hidan and I would hit him and continuing arguing about who would win in a battle to the death – Jashin or Warg?

"Where do you think we are?" asked Kisame, after a good half-an-hour of arguing.

I shrugged, looked around, and then said, "We're not in Kansas anymore."

"What?"

"I'm joking," I muttered. "I guess the Akatsuki from a different dimension wouldn't understand jokes from Earth… You know what!"

"What?" asked Kisame, yet again.

"We need to name your dimension," I announced. "I am sick of referring to it as 'the Akatsuki's Home Dimension' – it's a friggin' ridiculously long name! How about we name your dimension… Jane."

"We are not naming it fucking Jane," said Hidan firmly. He opened his mouth to suggest his own name, but Kisame cut across Hidan with a firm, "We are not naming it Jashinland… or Jashinonia or anything that relates to the god Jashin."

"Not even Bloodonia?" asked Hidan.

"No!" Kisame massaged his temples wearily and the sighed. "How about we just name it Waterworld."

"Over my dead body," snapped Hidan (Rule Number Fifty-Two: When Hidan says 'over my dead body' he means it to the extreme, because, when you think about it, is impossible since Hidan cannot die – so Hidan is saying 'no' to the maximum potential). "Why don't we name it Akatsuki?"

"But that will be confusing," I pointed out. "We won't know if we're talking about the dimension or the criminal organization. We should name it something totally whacky just to avoid any confusion."

"Why don't we name it Didame?" asked Kisame. "A mixture of Dessie, Hidan, and Kisame?"

"That's even more confusing…" muttered Hidan.

"I still like Jane," I added.

"Let's just call it 'Hell'," suggested Kisame. "Though, I guess it doesn't work if we're trying to curse the place to hell and back…"

"Nope," I said. "I refuse to name the dimension something that will get in the way of my constant cursing. You do realize that will diminish my role in this story by quite a bit."

"Shit!" cried Hidan suddenly. "Dessie! You do realize that almost half of our role in this story is having gigantic cursing fights!"

I nodded grimly. "And this means that if we use a curse word to name the dimension, this story will be overloaded with curse words and the author will have to cut back on swearing frenzies and would role in this story will be halved!"

"NO!" screamed Hidan. "I will not budge from my role as shitty as it is!"

"Fighting!" I yelled, pumping my fist into the air. "We will not budge! You hear that author? We will never budge from our roles in this story – over our dead bodies- which, in Hidan's case, means – NO FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

Kisame slapped himself in the forehead and sighed. "Of all the people I had to be stuck in a new dimension with, it had to be you two…"

"You learn to love us," I said cheerfully.

"We're getting sidetracked," added Kisame thoughtfully. "What should we name our dimension?"

"Let's just name it the Fence," I said suddenly.

"Why?" asked Kisame.

"Because we can," I snapped. "Anyone got any issues with the name 'the Fence'?"

Kisame and Hidan glanced at one another and shrugged. "Nah, not really…"

"Good," I said. "So, we're not on Earth and we're not in the Fence – so where the fuck are we!"

"No idea…"

The city drew closer to us and, as I looked ahead, I realized that it was no longer a shadow-image on the horizon, but now a fully fledged city looming before us. The buildings took shape and, somewhere in the middle of a city, a glowing red light lit up the sky. I squinted at it, but could not distinguish a figure from the blazing lights. The three of us continued to walk towards the city. And, after another hour of walking and wandering, we arrived in the city.

It was a completely iron city. The streets, the buildings, and the vehicles were all made out of iron. The windows – instead of glass – were made out of a transparent form of metal and the clothing was formed from strands of iron woven together tightly. It was a ridiculous and yet incredible metal city.

But, that was not what made it so incredible. No, it was the people who lived there who caught our eyes and held our gaze. The natives of this city were all six foot or seven foot tall with leathery gray skin and coal black eyes. Their hair was snow white and all of them – even the males – had hair that fell down to their waists.

The natives walked about with a confident strut, glancing at Kisame, Hidan, and me curiously, as if they had never seen foreigners before. However, the three of us walked straight ahead determinedly, not wanting to show any signs of weakness towards the natives.

We made our way to the center of the city and, as we drew closer, the glowing red lights that had once been a mystery were made clear. The lights formed an image on top of a gigantic pyramid-shaped temple. It was the image of an equilateral triangle with a circle inscribed inside.

"Isn't that the symbol of Jashinism?" asked Kisame in an undertone.

"Hell no!" snapped Hidan. "Jashinism's symbol is a triangle inscribed within a circle – not the other way around!"

"Congratulations, Hidan," I muttered. "You didn't flunk geometry…"

"Shut up!" said Hidan, his voice rising to a roar. Several natives in the vicinity turned to stare, but Hidan ignored them. "Geometry happened to be my second-best subject in school, bitch!"

"What was your best?" I asked. "Wait! Don't tell me! Was it biology?"

Hidan's face turned bright red. "How'd you guess?"

"Because you like cutting things up, so obviously you'd be good at the dissecting part of biology class."

"Bitch!" Hidan tried to strangle me, ignoring the suspicious eyes of the natives.

Kisame coughed loudly and broke up Hidan's and my fight. We glanced at him and he jerked his head awkwardly in the direction of the glowing, red symbol. "I still think it resembles Jashinism…" he said.

"Like I said!" screamed Hidan angrily. "It does not resemble Jashinism! Jashinism is a triangle inside a circle _not_ a circle inside of a triangle!"

I rubbed my ears tiredly. "We heard you the first time…"

"Jashinism? This is most certainly not the symbol for Jashinism, foreigners."

The three of us turned around quickly to see one of the natives staring at us. He was the one who had spoke and we stared back at him curiously for a minute before Kisame had the guts to ask, "What are you talking about? Where are we?"

"Do you not know?" asked the native. "You are in Wargonia! And the red symbol you are gazing upon is that of our god – the almighty Warg!"

…

…

…

EH!


	53. Escape in Style

**_Summary of Events: _**_After jumping into the blue orb with the goal of preventing other from traveling to "the Fence", Kate, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Deidara are in another dimension. The Akatsuki have not heard from them for over a week..._

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Three: Escape in Style<strong>

**_Rule Number Fifty-Three:_** **_The Akatsuki can be devoted lovers when they want to be – it's the women they love that you have to look out for._**

**Kate**

In all my twenty years of life I have been a good citizen. Never so much a broke a window or gotten a parking ticket – I was the model citizen. So why am I sitting in a jail cell being interrogated by two ugly cops!

Deidara, Kakuzu, Itachi, and I were thrown head first into the floor of Hannah's old kitchen. We sat up and looked around, glad to see that we had made the journey in one piece, and then next thing we know, the house is full of cops trying to put cuffs on all of us. Well, being the S-ranked criminals that they were, Deidara, Itachi, and Kakuzu made it out of the house, no problem. However, in the process they left me behind. A fact that I _do not_ appreciate.

The cops nabbed me, threw me in a cell, and have been interrogating me on and off for the past week.

"How many times to I have to tell you!" I wailed miserable, fat tears threatening to fall down my cheeks. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

The bad cop (Officer Thomas) slammed his fist on the metal table that separated us and glowered at me. A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his deformed face as he cried, "To hell you don't! We found you inside that house – a house where wanted criminals are _known_ to be hiding in! You're one of them!"

"What are you talking about!" I asked, sniffling a little. "That was my friend's house. Desdemona Lee… She owns that place…"

"Desdemona Lee is suspected of hiding fugitives. It would be a wise decision not to claim her as a friend right now," said the Good Cop (Officer Brown).

"She's probably helping the fugitives as well," roared Officer Thomas.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" I wailed and buried my face in my arms. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Tell us!" and with that, Officer Thomas grabbed me by the wrist and twisted my whole arm. I let out a yelp of pain and screamed, "I'll tell you everything! I'll tell you everything! Please don't hurt me! Whatever you do please don't hurt me!"

Officer Thomas released my wrist and, with a huge grin, he turned to his partner and said, "See? A little pain and these pathetic criminals will tell you anything and everything they know. They're pathetic."

"I'm not a criminal," I stammered.

"You're helping wanted fugitives," said Officer Brown gently. "You are a criminal. But we can help you redeem yourself, if you'll just tell us everything you know about these people."

"I'm not a criminal," I said stubbornly.

"Yes you are!" began Officer Thomas, but Officer Brown raised his hand to cut off Officer Thomas.

"Then what are you, Kate?" he asked. "If you're not a criminal?"

I thought about this for a second. "I'm a fake whore."

Well, you can imagine the stares I got from the two cops for that line. Office Brown choked on some invisible substance and it took him several minutes to regain himself and Officer Thomas' eyes sort of bulged out of his head as he stared to me, trying to read my mind (to no success, of course).

"Don't lie to us!" roared Officer Thomas.

"I think she's telling the truth," said Officer Brown. "I mean, why tell us if she wasn't? Telling us she's a whore wouldn't do her any good."

"Fake-whore," I corrected him, not that either cop cared.

"There's no way she's a whore," snapped Officer Thomas. "Just look at her. She isn't capable of being a whore."

"No one expected you to become a cop," said Officer Brown. "But look where you are now. Kate here is just as capable of being a whore as you are of being a cop."

"Don't compare cops to whores!" shouted Officer Thomas, his face turning a distinct shade of purple.

I sighed. "Why aren't there any normal people in this story?"

BANG!

Everyone froze. Slowly, Officer Thomas and Officer Brown turned to stare at the door of the interrogation room, their eyes wide in shock and fear. I was a little less surprised (you don't hang around the Akatsuki for nearly a year and not learn a thing or two).

BANG!

"What was that?" asked Officer Brown nervously, his voice trembling a little at he stared fearfully at the doorway. "Who's there?"

"Don't be such a scary cat," Officer Thomas practically yelled. "Let's go check it out."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," I warned him.

"Why?" snarled Officer Thomas. "Are you plotting something?"

"How could she?" asked Officer Brown. "She's been in here with us the whole time."

Officer Thomas seemed to choke on his own words for a minute and then he rounded on me again, this time practically spitting hellfire in my direction. "Perhaps I have no proof now, but when I do, I will lock you away for the rest of your miserable born life!"

His threats were nothing compared to Leader's.

"I really wouldn't go out there," I told the cops again. "You probably won't survive…"

Officer Thomas ignored me and, suddenly, he threw open the door of the interrogation room. Gun aloft; he slipped into the hallway, looking around for any signs of the enemy. There came a soft _thump_ and Officer Thomas stopped making any noises.

Still in the interrogation room with me, Officer Brown started to tremble fearfully. "Do you think Thomas is okay?" he asked me.

"Er… sorry," I muttered. "But no, I don't think he is…"

Officer Brown turned to me, his eyes wide in shock. "How do you–?" But before Officer Brown could finish his sentence, someone struck him over the back of his head and Officer Brown collapsed to the ground unconscious.

The dark-haired, red-eyed Itachi stood behind Officer Brown and, if I am truly honest, I have to admit that Itachi looked frightfully bored with the whole affair.

"Hey, Itachi," I said, forcing a smile. "Have you come to break me out of here?"

"Hn…"

"Er – yeah, um, thank you?"

Itachi walked over to wear I sat and yanked the metal chair out from under the table. Before I could regain myself, Itachi picked me up, right out of the seat, and carried me, slung over his shoulder, out of the interrogation room.

I couldn't see a lot of what was going on since my back was facing all the action, but I saw a trail of bodies behind Itachi as he ran through the police station and I had the suspicious feeling that I did not want to see what was going on around me. Instead, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myHappy Place(which contained a lot of fairy princesses, prince charmings, and really pretty clothes) – unfortunately, my happy place was being renovated and I wasn't allowed in. So I was forced to endure the violence around me.

Finally – after a long, hard fought battle – Itachi dumped me onto the sidewalk outside the police station.

"Hey, Kate! How was your little run-in with the law, uhn?"

I looked over my shoulder to see Deidara grinning at me. He held a piece of clay in his hand which was partially shaped into a little bird.

"Thanks you abandoning me," I muttered, slowly getting to my feet. I glanced at the police station, which was going up in smoke as Deidara bombed it continuously. I shuddered. "Do you really have to blow up _everything_?"

"Art is a bang, uhn!"

"Hn…"

Itachi walked past both of us and made his way through the parking lot towards an old, beat up SUV. A woman with short blond and blue eyes poked her head out of the window and waved. Inwardly, I groaned.

"Hello, Katie, honey!" cried my mom. "Did you have a fun little escape from jail?"

My face turned a vivid shade of red as I glanced at Itachi and Deidara. "You got my _mom_ to drive you here?"

Deidara shrugged. "Ms. Wendy said she'd kill us if we got her involved with criminal matters and your mother said she always wanted to be part of a jailbreak."

I hurried after Itachi towards the SUV and slid into the backseat beside Deidara. My mother stepped on the gas and the four of us raced away from the police station, which was still burning brilliantly as Deidara's explosions went off one-by-one.

"So," said my mother. "Did you have a good trip?"

"Er… Aren't you concerned at all?" I asked. "I _am_ hanging out with highly dangerous criminals?"

"Concerned?" My mother let out a tinkling laugh. "They seem like lovely people. Deidara – while being a little bit violent – certainly has a unique sense of artwork. Itachi – isn't he a dear? Is he still dating Dessie?"

"Um…" I glanced at Itachi who sat in the front seat. He seemed unaffected by my mother's words, but I still felt obliged to whisper, "They broke up."

"Oh…" gasped my mother, covering her mouth and looking pityingly at Itachi. "I'm so sorry. It must have been horrible."

"Hn."

"Oh, a suppressed memory, I see…"

Deidara was nodding in agreement. "And now Dessie has a thing with Hidan – Itachi practically _dies_ of jealously every time Dessie speaks to Hidan."

"Hn…" (I though this 'hn' somewhat resembled a laugh… it was hard to tell with Itachi.

"Where is Kakuzu?" I asked, determined to change the subjected before Itachi went on yet another of his rampages. "Why didn't he come along to save me?"

"He decided wooing his _beloved_ was far more important than you," said Deidara cheerfully. "He's at Dessie's mansion talking to Ms. Wendy – but Itachi and I were more than capable of rescuing you without him."

"And you did a fine job of it," added my mother.

She pulled the SUV into the driveway and we hopped out of the car outside of Dessie's fabulous and expensive mansion. Itachi walked right inside, not even bothering to spare a glance for anyone. Deidara, however, decided to linger around for a little longer, telling my mother more wild stories of his art. Then, he headed inside to see if Kakuzu had made any progress with Ms. Wendy, which left my mother and me standing outside next to the old SUV.

"I'm glad you've made so many new friends, Kate," my mother cried. "It's nice to keep your company diverse!"

"Um…yeah…" I murmured.

"And Deidara says you have a boyfriend now!"

I almost choked on air. "Er… Um… yeah, I guess I do…" I laughed awkwardly.

"That's great, honey!" exclaimed my mother, clapping her hands excitedly. "It's the big blue guy who Dessie refers to as Fish Fry, right? He sounds so lovely! I really wish I could meet him, but Deidara says that he's in his home dimension right now… oh so sad…"

"Um…yeah…"

"I'm so proud of you!" she wailed. "Katie has her first boyfriend – and an older man too – I always knew you had the capability."

"Mom!" I cried, covering my face in my hands. "Don't!"

She laughed and gave me a quick hug. "I've got to go home a cook for the boys. You be a good girl now, and don't cause that boyfriend of yours any trouble!"

"Bye…" I murmured and gave her a quick hug back. "Love you…"

"Me too, honey, me too."

And with that, she was gone, driving off down the road in the old SUV. And I turned away and made my way into Dessie's gigantic mansion.

The first words the greeted me were: "You son-of-a-bitch! I will never marry you even if you were the last man on Earth! Go to hell!" (And here I thought we had left Dessie back in the other dimension).

I followed the sound of Ms. Wendy's shouts to one of the many living rooms and found myself standing in the doorway beside Itachi and Deidara watching a very, very interesting scene. Ms. Wendy was sitting on the sofa attempting to watch one of her TV dramas while Kakuzu kept trying to flirt with her. It was rather entertaining to see him put his arm around her shoulder and having her sock him in the stomach.

"Please marry me!" cried Kakuzu for the umpteenth time.

"You just want my money, asshole!"

"But it's the money that makes the woman!" Kakuzu explained. "And you are a _fine_ woman!"

Ms. Wendy elbowed him in the jaw. "You're in the way of my TV drama."

Kakuzu clutched his jaw and groaned. "I think you broke it…"

"Good," said Ms. Wendy. "Then you'll shut up."

Deidara leaned over and muttered in my ear, "I think I see where Dessie gets her violent personality from…"

I sighed. "Try living with just the two of them… it's torture…"

Ms. Wendy was now trying to wrestle Kakuzu to the ground while she watched her drama. Rule Number Fifty-Three: The Akatsuki can be devoted lovers when they want to be – it's the women they love that you have to look out for.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm sorry, but I cannot skip Kate and Hannah's POV and go straight back to Dessie's - though, I have to admit, Dessie has some epic chapters in Wargonia. For those of you who noticed, I started putting a "Summary of Events" at the beginning of the chapter, just incase any of you forget what is going on in each girl's plot (because they do tend to get separated). **

**Thank you for the massive number of reviews I received last chapter (nine more than any prior) now if only I could get that number for every update... *hint hint* **


	54. Flowers for Hannah

**_Summary of Events: _**_With everyone else gone off into another dimension, Hannah, Zetsu, Tobi, Leader, and Konan are left at the hideout with nothing to do._

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Four: Flowers for Hannah<strong>

**_Rule Number Fifty-Four: Leader _****really_ does not care_**

**Hannah**

"I'm bored."

"Tobi is bored too. Maybe if Tobi and Hannah-Nunu have fun together, Tobi and Hannah-Nunu won't be bored anymore."

I rolled my eyes. "Tobi, think before you speak."

For a second, Tobi thought about this. Then, he said, slowly, "Tobi thought very long and hard before he said this: Tobi doesn't understand what Hannah-Nunu is trying to say."

"Tobi is an idiot," muttered Zetsu's black half.

The three of us (four of us if you count Zetsu's split personality) were lying around the living room as bored as hell. Leader and Konan were busy working – as always – and everyone else was off in another dimension having fun. It was sort of dull, just having Tobi and Zetsu to hang out with. Zetsu just tried to please me all the time and Tobi just wanted to play House where he was the daddy and I was the mommy. My response to this was always the same: When hell freezes over.

"Tobi wonders how Dessie-Nunu is getting along."

"Don't we all," I said grimly. "And Kate… I wonder if they've found a solution yet…"

"Or maybe they're all dead," said Zetsu's black half grimly.

I groaned. "You sound like Dessie. That is not an option I am willing to think of."

"Tobi can't imagine life without Dessie-Nunu!"

I considered this for a moment. "Hey Tobi, why do you like Dessie and me, but not Kate?"

Tobi didn't say anything. Instead, it was Zetsu's white half that felt obliged to answer: "Maybe it is because Tobi is a masochist and Hannah and Dessie are sadists, so they make a good pair. But Kate is a masochist as well and, as we all know, masochist plus masochist is no fun."

We stared at Zetsu for a moment.

Then, Tobi covered his ears and wailed, "Tobi does not think of such ugly things! Why would Zetsu bring up such ugly things?"

"I'm not a sadist," I said dully. "Besides, Zetsu, aren't you a sadist as well, so we'd make an awful couple."

Zetsu looked at his feet and stammered, "Well… maybe Hannah isn't a sadist…"

I smiled. "I think Tobi doesn't like Kate because Madara sees Kate as being weak and therefore not useful at all towards Madara's plan for world domination."

"Oh…" said Zetsu thoughtfully. "That's a much better explanation…"

"Tobi thinks Zetsu is trying to get back on Hannah-Nunu's good side."

There was a moment's silence at Zetsu contemplated devouring Tobi whole, but, since I was there and Zetsu was under the belief that I liked vegetarian men (thank you for that, Dessie) Zetsu decided to wait until I couldn't see before he ate Tobi.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Zetsu said, "Would Hannah like to come and see our garden?"

"You have a garden?" I asked, though, really, I shouldn't be surprised.

Zetsu nodded. "We care for it every day. We want to show it to Hannah, because Hannah is very precious to us."

"Tobi wants to come too! Is Tobi precious to Zetsu too?"

"No."

Tobi looked crestfallen, but as I got to my feet and followed Zetsu out of the living room and down the hallways of the hideout, Tobi trailed after us like a wounded puppy. Zetsu led me to a part of the hideout I had never visited before and, after opened in a heavy metal door, we stepped into a large, glass green house with various types of colorful plants growing in every corner of the place.

I examined the nearest one carefully, which was, I admit, a very stunning shade of lilac with purple-blue leaves the size of my head sprouting just below the head of the flower.

"What is this?" I asked Zetsu, reaching out a hand to touch it.

"Don't!" exclaimed Zetsu. "It's the himonohirohitoamunahah flower – very, very poisonous."

I stared at him. "You actually remember that name?"

"What about this one?" asked Tobi, pointing to a bright red flower with yellow streaks running along the petals.

"That is the EnEn flower."

"Can he touch it?" I asked as Tobi started to stroke the petals.

"No," said Zetsu, already walking away. "But we don't really care."

"Um… right…" I said, quickly following Zetsu (I figured the best way to stay alive in this greenhouse of horrors was to stick close to the gardener).

"This is, um, all very impressive," I told Zetsu.

He smiled proudly as he led me towards the center of the greenhouse. He would point out the prettiest flowers and the most poisonous ones to me as we passed. I noticed that Tobi was following close behind and, when he saw a little patch of daisies, Tobi hurried away, leaving Zetsu and me alone.

"Do you like our garden?" asked Zetsu eagerly as we came to rest beside a bright red Venus-flytrap.

"It's…um…very pretty and poisonous…"

Zetsu nodded approvingly. "We worked very hard to make it deadly."

"Well," I said. "You're hard work paid off. Now I know who to come to if I need to, er, poison anyone."

A broad grin spread across Zetsu's face and he nodded his head enthusiastically. "We're more than happy to poison people for you!"

"Great…" I muttered. "I have an army of psychopathic killers at my disposal…"

"What was that?" asked Zetsu. "We couldn't hear you…"

"Nothing…" I said, trailing off into silence.

The two of us stood there awkwardly, glancing at the plants around us and fidgeting slightly, trying to find a subject to fill the silence. Luckily, in my opinion, we were saved from the awkwardness by the arrival of Tobi who attempted to place a crown of daisies on my head.

"What the hell are you doing!" I cried, swatting the crown away.

"Tobi wanted to give Hannah-Nunu a pretty crown…" explained Tobi. He picked up the crown again and tried to place it atop my head.

"Absolutely not!" I snapped, snatching the crown from him and throwing it on the floor. "I _hate_ flower chains. Go give it to Dessie…" I stopped and remembered that Dessie wasn't here.

"Tobi is sad…" said Tobi, looking crestfallen. "Tobi wanted to make Hannah-Nunu happy, but Hannah-Nunu won't let Tobi cheer her up."

I didn't really care about whether I had made Tobi unhappy or not. Honestly, if I wanted to cheer him up, all I had to do was had him a piece of candy and he would be all smiles again and declare undying love for his Nunus (I have been around Tobi far too much).

"Do you miss your friends?" asked Zetsu gravely.

I glanced at him sidelong and shrugged. "Yeah… It's boring without them around."

"Are you worried about your friends?" asked Zetsu with equal seriousness.

"Yeah…"

"Don't worry," said Zetsu, stepping towards me. "We vow to always take care of you, Hannah, and to always make you happy. As your husband, we will never make you worry – we promise."

I stared.

And stared.

And then, a small crooked smile crossed my face and I grinned at Zetsu. "Thank you, for that avid confession, but…"

"But what?" asked Zetsu nervously.

"But you know I don't think of you as a husband…"

"Then how do you think of me?"

Zetsu looked like a child who was being tormented with a secret. I reached out a hand and patted his shoulder (or what I thought was his shoulder) awkwardly.

"Zetsu… I think of you as a house plant or maybe some kind of exotic tree that grows in my backyard. You're nice… and you make me smile every once in awhile. You're a slightly frightening house plant that I like…but I don't have any romantic feelings for…"

I might have possibly regretted saying that since Zetsu looked ready to cry – or, maybe, eat something to quench his hunger. I always imagined Zetsu to be the sort who would sit on the sofa watched TV dramas and eating tubs of ice cream after a break-up. Of course, in Zetsu's case it would be tubs of human body parts instead of ice cream.

"Tobi thinks that Zetsu just got rejected."

Tobi skipped in between the two of us, waving his arms above his head and giggling maniacally. Zetsu's eyes twitched slightly as he turned to regard Tobi darkly.

"Hannah-Nunu is a smart Nunu!" cried Tobi. "She has good taste in men, yes, Hannah-Nunu does. Tobi is proud of Hannah-Nunu. She rejected Z – AH!"

At that moment, Zetsu leapt towards Tobi, with his Venus flytrap wide and his jaws sprung, ready to bite. Tobi managed to dodge Zetsu at the last possible moment and went sprinting away while Zetsu chased after him, trying to take a bite out of Tobi's arm.

"Why is Zetsu so mad!" wailed Tobi.

"We're going to eat you!" screamed Zetsu, still running after Tobi. "We'll munch on your bones and chew on you muscles – until you're nothing more than a bloody heap!"

Tobi squealed and ran faster.

"Erm…" I said awkwardly as Tobi leapt over one of the poisonous plants and did a cartwheel as he landed. I edged towards the door and made sure that neither one of them noticed my exit. "I'll just be leaving now…" And with that, I slipped out of the greenhouse, closing the door behind me as Zetsu and Tobi continued to play the Hunter and the Prey.

I made my way along the corridors of the hideout, unable to shake of the slightly guilty conscious I had. I had dumped many guys in the past (as Dessie would say, my incredible good-looks were so overwhelming that I had to kick the asses of all the twerps who wanted me and single out the best looking ones to capture the heart of). However, I felt a little bit guilty about dumping Zetsu. After all, he has been the most sensitive guy who has ever wanted me. Mostly I just attract the weirdoes… Oh, wait a second…

I pushed on the door of Leader's office and stepped inside. As always, Leader was working away and not acknowledging the existence of anything apart from himself and the work in front of him.

Konan, on the other hand, glanced up and smiled grimly at me, before returning to her duties. I smiled back, but far too late and ended up just looking stupid.

"Um… Leader…" I said slowly.

"I don't care."

"Zetsu is in the greenhouse trying to eat Tobi…"

"I _don't_ care."

"I just thought that maybe you might want to go down there and make sure that we're not going to be eating Roast Tobi Soup for dinner tonight… Unless you're interested in cannibalism, I mean."

"_I don't care_."

Rule Number Fifty-Four: Leader _really_ does not care.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yeah, this chapter is short. It was really difficult to come up with something for Hannah to do at the hideout in one chapter that involved those characters. And I can't do anything that takes up more than one chapter for her since she is needed in her next chapter, so, instead, we get a slight development in the Zetsu/Hannah/Deidara love triangle. But... with 34 chapters left in the story will Hannah develop feelings for Zetsu? Or will she confess love for Deidara? And will Tobi ever get to place a flower crown on Hannah head? And - dun dun dun - will Leader EVER care! **

**Please REVIEW!**


	55. Welcome to Wargonia

**_Summary of Events: _**_With the goal of returning to Earth, Dessie, Hidan, and Kisame jumped into the blue orb. However, they found themselves in a whole new dimension - Wargonia!_

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Five: Welcome to Wargonia<strong>

**_Rule Number Fifty-Five: Don't ever create fake gods because it can come back to bite you in ass_**

**Dessie**

So, let me get this straight. After stepping into a glowing blue orb Hidan, Kisame, and I wound up in a different dimension called Wargonia which is filled with Wargonians who worship the god Warg. Warg also happens to be the name of the god I made up to spite Hidan. Warg is also the rival god of Jashin. Jashin is Hidan's god. Kisame and I know Hidan. We are Jashinists by association.

And this is why the three of us are currently hiding behind a dumpster being chased by angry Wargonian soldiers who are trying to hunt us to extinction. Oh, fun times…

"Hidan, you suck."

"Shut up, Kisame."

"Well…" said Kisame is a whisper. "You have to admit that it is pretty epic. Dessie makes up a god and the god turns out to be real."

"Hidan made up a god too and his god turned out to be real," I said.

"Jashin is real! I didn't make him up!" roared Hidan.

"Shh!" hissed Kisame and I.

"Warg is ten times more of a badass than Jashin," I muttered. "I mean really, Warg was made up on the spot! And instead, he turns out to be the god of an entire dimension with a whole civilization devoted to him! With a big metal cities and a glowing symbol – isn't it funny that the symbol of Jashinism is the reverse of Warg?"

"Warg's symbol is the reverse of Jashin's symbol," Hidan corrected me.

"The glowing symbol at the top of the temple does make me curious," muttered Kisame, ignoring Hidan entirely (as we all tend to do).

"It's probably just there for decoration," I said, shrugging. "You have to admit that it looks cool."

"Jashin has a glowing symbol above his temple too!" roared Hidan.

"Shh – and no, he doesn't," I said. "Jashin doesn't have any temples."

"Then I'll build him one," snapped Hidan. "I'll build him a bigger and more badass temple than Warg has ever dreamed of – and Jashin's symbol will be ten times more impressive than Warg's."

"You do that," I muttered. "But I bet you'll fail."

"Jashin will give me strength!" said Hidan.

"Both of you shut up!" roared Kisame through his teeth. "The soldiers are passing!"

The three of us drew closer to the dumpster that we were hiding behind. I peered out underneath Kisame's arm and I could see a sliver of the street where the Wargonian soldiers – with their gray skin and snow white hair – ran through the street, their armor clunking heavily.

I held my breath, afraid that if I were to breathe, the Wargonians would hear me and I would blow all our cover. Behind me, Hidan shifted uncomfortably, squatting on his haunches and staring out at the road over my shoulders. Kisame was to my left, his cool arm pressed against mine. We were all compacted together, waiting and hoping…

And then Hidan lost his balance.

And he fell on my back.

Which caused me to leap up and kick him in the chin.

The Wargonian soldiers saw us.

Oops.

"Run!" screamed Kisame and, before Hidan or I could register what was happening, Kisame charged into the crowd of Wargonians and drew his sword, cutting off the heads of each and every one that he could reach.

"Yea-ha!" Hidan sprinted after Kisame, and, with scythe in hand, he showed those Wargonians exactly why they despised Jashinists (because Jashinists are badass fighters).

Well, of course, not wanting to be left out, I joined the fray. Kick a guy here… Kick a guy there… Maybe throw in a few punches… Yeah, I could do this… I mean, how hard is it to beat the shit out of a couple soldiers? No, that wasn't the issue – the issue was that more soldiers started to amass around the scene and soon, Kisame, Hidan, and I, would be overwhelmed with Wargonian soldiers.

Now, I am not the brightest of sorts and I do like violence – but I'm not suicidal. I took one look at the second wave of soldiers heading our way and screamed, "FLEE!"

And that's exactly what we did.

Reluctantly Kisame, Hidan, and I stopped our battles and fled the scene of action (which, as you know, is a very difficult thing for the Akatsuki to do).

"I'm immortal!" screamed Hidan as we sprinted through the streets of the city. "I could have stayed behind!"

"I'm sure they know how to deal with Jashinists!" I shouted back. "The Wargonians have been fighting Jashinists since the founding of your religion!"

"Warg will kill you all!"

We screeched to a stop in the middle of the road, unable to move further do to the barricade of civilians standing in front of us. They leered and jeered, more than ready to tear us to shreds if necessary. However, it seemed as though they were waiting for something.

"What the hell…" groaned Kisame. "Is everyone here out to kill us?"

"We're Jashinists, remember?" said Hidan triumphantly.

"I am not and never will be a Jashinist," I said stubbornly and Kisame agreed whole-heartedly.

"Shitty people, don't insult Jashin-sama," muttered Hidan and then he added. "Today, since you're with me, we're all Jashinists."

"Great…" I groaned. "And look where Jashin got me so far."

"Look where Warg got you so far," corrected Hidan.

"Shut up, asshole!"

The barricade of civilians froze. Their bodies suddenly tensed and a wild looked crossed their eyes. On the other side of us, Wargonian soldiers approached, but, at the same time as the civilians, they too stopped moving and stood perfectly still.

"Warg…"

A great murmur of the god's name rose up among the crowds and they shuddered violently.

"The great god Warg, bring down your power upon us all… So that we made _destroy_ the foreigners…"

Their hair seemed to grow whiter and their faces grayer until they seemed almost godly compared tot their former selves and, when they stopped shivering and opened their eyes, the irises were no longer black, but a vivid shade of bright red.

"Holy shit…"

"Dessie – why can't you do that?"

"Kisame, I am going to _kill_ you – but only if the Wargonians don't beat me to it–"

Behind us the symbol of Warg (a circle inside of a triangle) blazed brighter in the sky. It flared and flickers and then – suddenly changed to black. A black light, glittered and glowed, like the color of onyx.

And then – only then – did the Wargonians attack.

Civilians from one side and soldiers from the other. Dozens and dozens of people fell upon us. Kisame swung his sword about wildly, blasting water in all directions, and Hidan whipped his scythe around, taking blows as his saw fit. I, of course, was completely overwhelmed.

The Wargonians – their movements – were completely different from earlier. They were faster, smarter, stronger, and all around better than before. What could I, a mere human, do?

One Wargonian hit my in the gut. The air rushed out of me and I gasped for breath, my knees buckling beneath me. Another Wargonian tried to grab me, but I swatted his hand away and staggered back to my feet.

"Don't – you – dare!" I roared between gasped of air. "Touch – me! Or – I will – kill – you – where – you – stand!"

The Wargonians laughed.

"What can you do to us?" they asked.

Somehow, by some amazing burst of strength I hadn't known I possessed, I grinned. I laughed and smiled at them and then, turning to the largest of the group that surrounded me, I said, "I know your weak spot."

The guy blinked and stared at me confusedly. "I don't have a weak spot."

"Maybe she knows about your medical problem…" said another slowly.

All at once the Wargonians cringed and looked at the guy pityingly.

I kept on smiling, not knowing what they were talking about, and, as the largest Wargonian rounded on me in anger, I said, "Don't tell me I didn't warn you!" Then, I kicked him between the legs.

There is something quite satisfying about seeing a man twice your size rolling on the floor and groaning in agony. It was a sense of power, of invincibility, that encouraged me to kick him again (even he already looked pathetic enough, I didn't see any reason not to heighten his humiliation).

"Ha-ha-ha!" I cried, jabbing him in the ribs. "Who the big man on campus now, shithead?"

And then, one of the Wargonians struck me from behind.

The blow – on the back of my skull – did not knock me unconscious. Though, I think things would have been much better if it had. The world spun wildly for a minute and someone grabbed me by the wrist. There was an explosion of pain – not just in my head – but in my shoulder too.

Someone shouted… I don't know who… And then, slowly, the fuzziness went away and I was standing up right on my own two feet with a whirlwind of hell going through my head.

"Hidan!" I mumbled thickly. "Kisame! Let's go…"

I don't think they heard me. Blood was trickling down my shoulder where someone must have cut me. It stung, rather painfully, and my arm prickled with warmth as the blood passed over my skin.

"Hidan…" I muttered, barely struggling against the strong, gray arms of my captor. "Kisame… I'm going to doe…if this keeps up…"

And then Hidan melted to my side.

I can't say Hidan has even been the sort whose actions and movements could be described with the word "melted". I mean, he's a wild, violent guy – grace and ease are _not_ his style.

But, as the world around me faded and fuzzed and intensified and sharpened intertwiningly, and I say Hidan's face next to mine and his red scythe swinging this way and then, I could not help but think that this psychopathic criminal Jashinist might just be a bit cool…

"Hey, bitch!"

Before I knew what was going on, the weight of the Wargonian's arms was lifted from me and I was staggering about on my own for a moment. Then, a pair of familiar arms lifted me right off the ground. And then everything went black.

* * *

><p>"Why do I have such a bitching headache?"<p>

I groaned and, clutching my aching head, I rolled over. Sand and stone met my lips and I sat up abruptly, eyes wide with surprise. The world came back into focus and I found myself sitting in a sandbank on the rocky terrain of a mountainside.

"Where the hell am I?" I asked, my words slurring together as if I were drunk (which very well could have been the case).

"You look ugly."

I leaned back until my head hit the edge of a boulder and I could use it as a mediocre chair. Then, I lolled my head to the side to see the purple eyes and silver hair of Hidan.

"You're one to talk – you look like you just got beat up by a shit ton of Wargonians – oh wait… your face always looks likes that."

"I regret saving your life," said Hidan grouchily. "All you do is bitch about it."

"Have you not gotten used to my personality by now?"

Hidan flipped me off.

I lay there for a moment gazing up at the red, red sky. The sun was somewhere around midday and the violent color of blood. Wargonia… who would have thought…

"Hey, Hidan?"

"Yeah?"

"Where's Kisame?"

There was a pause. Then, slowly, Hidan said, "I sort of accidentally let the idiot get captured by the Wargonians…"

I groaned. "Aw, crap. Now we have to go back and rescue him."

"Or we can just leave him there," suggested Hidan hopefully.

"I would love to," I said. "But you do realize that Kate would go psycho and murder me if I let her boyfriend be killed."

"She can't be that scary…"

"Mr. Nibbles."

Hidan shuddered. "Oh, right… I forgot about Mr. Nibbles."

"Never forget about Mr. Nibbles," I said solemnly. "If you ever forget about him Kate will eat you alive – she could join Zetsu and form the Union of Crazy Ass Cannibals."

"UCAC," said Hidan. "And we can be the Society of Heinous and Insidious Religious Freaks."

"SHIRF?" I asked. "You can join, but I'm not gonna." Suddenly, I groaned and wiggled uncomfortably against the boulder. "We should get going. I want to get back to the hideout before I have to see anymore of the crazy Wargonian shit."

"Aren't you Wargonian?" asked Hidan.

"Do I look like I have white hair and gray skin to you?" I snapped. "I'm a Warg worshipper, but not Wargonian."

"Whatever you say, bitch," said Hidan, getting to his feet. "Fine, let's go save Fish Fry."

"Yay…" I muttered. Rule Number Fifty-Five: Don't ever create fake gods because they might turn out to actually be real with an army of followers who are out to kick your ass from Warg to Jashin.

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><p><strong>AN: You are going to LOVE Dessie's next chapter. I promise you that. Hahahaha I love Wargonia... I honestly don't know how I came up with that one. I thought about sending them to Harry Potter's dimension or something, but then I was like "That'll turn this into a crossover and that's too much effort... So, I decided to send them so where totally new and that ended up being Wargonia. Mwahahahaha (oh, and this chapter is very important to plot)**

**Now, will you all please REVIEW because I love all my REVIEWers to the bottom of my heart. Their REVIEWs fill me with happiness, because REVIEWs show that my story is loved. I want my story to be REVIEWed or loved more, so I write more and update sooner. So, if you want a circle of happiness, my REVIEWers, pleace REVIEW my story. Thank you very much! REVIEW!**


	56. Art is a Bang

**_Summary of Events: _**_After breaking Kate out of Earth's prison, Deidara, Itachi, Kakuzu, and Ms. Wendy must decided what to do in about the blue orb. Hannah, Zetsu, Tobi, Konan, and Leader are in the Akatsuki world (AKA the Fence) and Dessie, Kisame, and Hidan (to know one's awareness bu their own) are in Wargonia. _

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Six: Art is a Bang<strong>

**_Rule Number Fifty-Six: Sacrifices are necessary, no matter how bloody and violent they are_**

**Kate**

Holding council is a traditional part of the Akatsuki lifestyle. At the hideout on a "regular" Akatsuki day, Leader will call a meeting at least twice a week and, when any difficult situation arises Leader calls a meeting. Even when Leader is not present – the Akatsuki still feel obliged to sit down and discuss their ideas like "regular" and "civilized" human beings. So, when Kakuzu, Itachi, Deidara, Ms. Wendy, and I were stuck in a crisis, what did we do?

We held council.

"I can't stand another minute in the shitty dimension! Can't we just blow the whole place up and go back already!"

"How about we sell Deidara to the freak show?"

"Hn…"

"I think we should all sit down and discuss this peacefully…"

"Kakuzu – don't you dare get down on one knee to me!"

Yes, this is what the Akatsuki calls a peaceful meeting and, after spending so much time with them, I would have to say that this scream-fest in the middle of one of Dessie's multiple dinning rooms was pretty tame.

It was only through the wrath and power of Ms. Wendy and the silent intimidation of Itachi which managed to turn this meeting into some sort of sense. Itachi threatened to Sharingan everyone's asses ("hn" means a lot of things) and Ms. Wendy threatened to never speak to Kakuzu again if he didn't shut up (this also meant that Kakuzu would get no money from her).

"So…" I said slowly, glancing around the table at all the solemn faces. "What are we going to – er – do about the blue orb?"

"Blow it up."

"Sell it."

"Hn…"

Ms. Wendy smacked herself in the forehead and sighed. "Is this all S-ranked criminals are capable of coming up with? You're all at the level of Dessie…"

"What happened after we left?" asked Itachi (so he is capable of full sentences from time-to-time).

Ms. Wendy shrugged. "Nothing much. The cops realized you lot had vanished and started prowling around. They knew Dessie was involved and took my in for questioning and examined the house, but they could find nothing suspicious and had to let me go. I inherited the money and lived my life peacefully – thanks for ruining it, assholes – and the cops kept Hannah's ex-house under observation."

"That's all…" said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "Of course those cops were no match for my tough cookie."

"Call me that again and you'll find important body parts missing."

Kakuzu chuckled, but – I noticed – he never called Ms. Wendy "tough cookie" again.

"Why can't we just blow up the orb?" asked Deidara irritably.

Everyone simply ignored him.

"The blue orb is the only known access between the worlds," said Itachi thoughtfully. "And as long as it exists people can travel between our world and this one."

"This is the most I have ever seen Itachi talk, uhn."

Itachi ignored him. "We can't blow the orb up because then Kate, Hannah, and Dessie could never get home…"

"And I could never see Ms. Wendy again," added Kakuzu.

"I think we should just blow the orb up," I said softly. "Unless Itachi wants to get rid of us that badly…"

There was a pause as everyone turned to stare at me. Itachi looked mildly surprised, Kakuzu looked devastated, Deidara looked excited, and Ms. Wendy was just plain bored.

"Hurry up and blow it to smithereens," she said. "Then I can keep the money and stop worrying about Dessie coming back to claim it."

"You're not going to miss her at all, uhn?" asked Deidara. "Didn't you raise her and nurtured her into the violent, mindless stalker-bitch that she is today? Don't you feel the need to take some responsibility for the beast you have created, uhn?"

Ms. Wendy shrugged. "She's happier with you – put the monstrosity to good use."

"B-b-b-but," wailed Kakuzu. "If we blow up the orb, I can never see my beloved Ms. Wendy again!"

(Ignored)

"You'll never be able to see your parents again," pointed out Itachi. "Nor Hannah hers."

I smiled. Rule Number Fifty-Six: "Sacrifices must be made."

"Ms. Wendy!" Kakuzu grabbed her by the wrist ignoring the disgusted face Ms. Wendy made. Kakuzu gripped her wrist hard and cried, "Marry me, Ms. Wendy! And then come back with us!'

"Hell no, bastard. I'm going to be filthy stinking rich – I'm going for a good-looking young boy than an ugly old fart like you!"

"But that good-looking young boy will only want you for your money!"

Ms. Wendy snorted. "Aren't you?"

Kakuzu considered this for a second. "Well… Yeah… But my intentions are strictly pure!"

With a sigh, Ms. Wendy shook Kakuzu's hands off. "Go fall in love with someone else who's rich, bastard. I don't go for money-mongering criminals. Besides, I am the woman who raised Dessie, remember?"

"Oh yeah…" said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "That is a bit of a turn off."

* * *

><p>I leaned against the hood of Dessie's Rolls-Royce. Deidara had already hopped into the backseat and Itachi had claimed shotgun (no one dared to argue with Itachi). I turned to Ms. Wendy with a smile while Kakuzu finished off his last proposal and Ms. Wendy rejected him one last time. Then, Kakuzu sulkily got into the backseat of the car and I approached Ms. Wendy.<p>

"Dessie says to take good care of Blake."

Ms. Wendy smirked. "And here I was going to sell him to the highest bidder."

I frowned slightly and shook my head. "But…"

"Just kidding," said Ms. Wendy though I had the feelings that was a lie. "Are you sure you don't want to see your parents one last time?"

Stiffly, I shook my head. "Easier this way. Just tell them I'm safe and well. And I have a boyfriend who loves me and Dessie and Hannah will take care of me…"

"Kate!" shouted Deidara, sticking his head out of the rolled down car-window. "Get your ass in this car and start driving – I want to blow shit up!"

With a quick farewell hug with Ms. Wendy, I slid into the driver's seat of the Rolls-Royce and put the car into gear. I drove out of the driveway and left Dessie's mansion behind for the last time. I was kind of going to miss it (life's good when you have a rich and powerful best friend).

"I missed her already," said Kakuzu. "There's a great hole in one of my hearts where her money is."

"Don't you mean where she is?" I asked.

"What?"

"You said where her money is – don't you mean where she is?"

Kakuzu stared at me confusedly. "I miss the money, not her."

"Don't bother," said Deidara, his blond hair flapping about wildly in the gushing wind pouring into the car from the open window. "Kakuzu's first and only love is money."

I sighed. "Kakuzu, one day you will fall in love for real - and it will really hurt you."

Kakuzu grinned. "Tell me when that day comes, and then I can go bounty hunting and make everything better with a little extra cash."

"Crazy ass," muttered Deidara. "Drive faster! I want to go Ka-boom!"

"Hn…"

We drove in silence for a little while and I felt obliged to switch on the radio to fill the car with sound, but then Itachi got irritated and turned to radio off. The silence continued. The car entered the suburbs where Hannah's ex-house was located. A sense of fear began to grow in the pits of my stomach. I trembled a little, but otherwise managed to keep my calm.

Then, I saw the pale white of the police cars and the red-and-blue sirens and my heart almost jumped right out of my chest. I parked the car on the side of the road and we all slipped out, careful not to be seen by the cops.

"So," said Kakuzu softly. "What's the plan again?"

"Charge right in and blow the place to hell, uhn."

"Er…" I mumbled. "Not quite…"

"Kakuzu and I will distract the police in the front," said Itachi. "While Deidara and Kate sneak around the back. Deidara will set up the bombs and he will blow up one little bird in the sky when he is ready. Then, Kakuzu and I will enter the house and we will all jump into the orb. Right when we all jump in, Deidara will blow the place to smithereens."

"He speaks…" muttered Deidara. "I am overwhelmed by his speech, uhn."

"Hn…"

I decided to translate that as "let's go" and Kakuzu and Itachi made their way to the front yard where a police car and several cops stood outside chatting in low voices. Itachi and Kakuzu walked up awkwardly and then, suddenly, Kakuzu stopped and pointed at the police.

"Itachi! Look! Cops! Who would have thought they would still be staking this place out?"

"Hn."

I smacked myself in the forehead. "Kakuzu is an awful actor."

"Uhn. But it looks like they're buying it."

Sure enough, the cops turned to Itachi and Kakuzu. Guns at the ready, the cops started shouting commands at Itachi and Kakuzu. Of course, neither of them felt obliged to comply with the demands and, before I knew it, a full out shooting battle was going on.

Thank Warg for shinobi because the police's bullet could not even scratch Itachi and Kakuzu. With ease, they dodged the police's attacks and even dealt out a few attacks of their own (though, as promised, all violence was kept to the humanly plausible level). I watched, transfixed, as Itachi and Kakuzu and the police engaged in the dance of death. Then, Deidara tapped my arm and we hurried around the house via the neighbor's yard.

We hopped the fence and, thankfully, ran into no police officers as we crossed the lawn and entered the house through the glass door in the back. Almost immediately after entering the house, Deidara started slapping his clay on to everything. I wish I could have helped, but there was not getting between Deidara and his art (I doubt even Hannah had that much power).

Deidara finished with the downstairs and headed upstairs to place the final touches to his masterpiece. I remained in the sitting room, fidgeting nervously.

The blue orb had appeared in the far corner, casting faint rays of light across the room. My shadow stretched out beside me, lumpy and deformed. I sucked in my gut and tried to make my shadow look more attractive, but, of course, a shadow is a hopeless case.

"What are you doing, Kate…?" I muttered.

"Who's there!"

My heart skipped a beat.

"I can see you! Put your hands up!"

Slowly, I raised my head and I saw a young, female cop clutching a gun in her hands and pointing it directly at me. She stood in the doorway of the sitting room, having snuck past Itachi and Kakuzu apparently.

"Um… hi…" I said awkwardly.

"Put your hands up!"

I did as commanded. "I'm really harmless, I promise. It's the others you have to look out for."

"Shut up!"

"I'm trying to help you," I said softly. "I really don't like it when people get hurt."

"Then why are you with them!" she snarled.

I considered this for a moment and then said, "Because I like it when they get hurt even less."

"Then you're just as bad as them."

"You're one to talk!" I wailed. "You're the one pointing a gun at me! All I ever do is blush and stutter and fall in love with idiots who save my life! And now you're threatening to kill me? What did I ever do to you!"

"You–"

But before the female cop could reply properly, there was the sound of an explosion echoing from above. We both look up and the cop lowered her gun slightly, gazing up at the ceiling.

I took that moment as my opportunity. I drove at the female cop, my thin, white hands reached for the gun.

She screamed.

BANG!

BOOM!

Another scream.

Cold metal clutched in my hands as I fell onto the hardwood floor. My body stung painfully and I ached all over. Slowly, I rolled onto my back and through squinted eyes I gazed up at Deidara's face.

"You got shot."

"No…" I muttered.

"Then why is your shoulder bleeding, uhn?"

Thickly, I swatted my right shoulder with the opposite hand and my fingers were met with the warm feel of flowing blood. "Oh…" I murmured. "So I was shot… Only grazed… Not deep… I think…"

Deidara leant over and helped me to my feet. I leaned on him and he said, "Kakuzu can fix you up. He's a doctor or something like that."

"He puts Hidan's head back on all the time…" I said.

"Well, it's not like that's hard to do, uhm. There's not a lot there to begin with."

There came the sound of running footsteps and the faces of Itachi and Kakuzu appeared blurrily before my eyes. The world rocked back and forth and the floor sort of slanted. Bile rose in my throat and I quickly swallowed it back down again.

"She looks like she's about to be sick."

"Hn."

"As long as she doesn't throw up on me, I don't care."

"Let's go."

There was a flash of blue light and then another. I guess Itachi and Kakuzu were gone now, heading back to their dimension via the blue orb. Deidara and I stepped closer. He raised his hand awkwardly since he was supporting me with the other. A sly grin slid onto his face and he said, "Art is a BANG! Katsu!"

And then we stepped into the blue orb and disappeared in a flash of red, orange, yellow, and blue…

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><p><strong>AN: I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but I do have a plausible excuse. I am staying at a friends house and my laptop has no internet access for some bizarre reason that only that pice of crap can have. So, I used my flashdrive on the home computer - and my flashdrive didn't work. And ow I'm using said friend's laptop to update for you. Now, please do me a favor and review! Because I worked my ass off to get this chapter to you!**


	57. Here We Go Again

**_Summary of Events: _**_After jumping into the blue orb, Deidara blew the orb on Earth to smithereens and Deidara, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Kate are headed to a dimension. No one knows that Kakuzu, Hidan, and Dessie ended up in a whole new dimension called Wargonia._

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Seven: Here We Go Again<strong>

**_Rule Number Fifty-Seven:_**

**Hannah**

It has only been two days since Dessie left for Earth and already I'm as bored as hell. I've rejected Zetsu, gotten Tobi chased around the hideout for half the day, and bother Leader and Konan to death – and I'm still bored. So, I resolved to spend a few hours trying to nap as I lay on my bed. This ended up being a failure of an attempt to sleep since I was only reminded of the absences of Dessie and Kate.

"Urg…" I groaned. "Why does this suck so bad?"

Of course, there was no reply.

There came the sound of the bedroom door creaking open. I sat up in the bed, hoping – faintly – that Dessie and Kate had returned. However, I was disappointed to see the Venus flytrap head of Zetsu sticking through the doorway.

"Oh," I said, slumping back down on the bed. "It's just you."

Zetsu hiccupped.

I smirked. "I don't think I have ever heard you make that sound before. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Another hiccup.

I sat up in bed and turned to glare at Zetsu, who was now stood in the middle of the room towering over me. I folded my arms and glared at him. "What do you want?"

"We – hic – miss you, Hannah…"

"A-are you _drunk_?"

A slow smile spread across Zetsu's face and he let out a girlish giggle. "We were very unhappy and sad – hic – especially sad. Then, when we asked Leader to cure the pain, Leader told us he doesn't care and recommended alcohol. So, we tried some wine – hic – wine is very good to us."

"Crazy son-of-a-bitch," I muttered, getting to my feet. "Get out of my room."

"But we want to talk to our wife."

"Well, your wife doesn't want to talk to you!"

And then Zetsu tried to kiss me.

So I punched him in the nose.

I think I might have broken it – hard to be sure.

"Shut the hell up and get out!" I snapped. "I am not and never will kiss you and I am _not_ your wife. No matter what that stupid marriage certificate says!"

"ART IS A BANG!"

I froze. Zetsu slowly raised his head; the alcohol disappeared slightly at the sound of an all-too-familiar voice. There were footsteps downstairs and some loud noises. I stood completely still in the middle of the room, unable to register clearly what I was hearing.

"They're back…" I whispered. "They're back!"

Leaving Zetsu with his bleeding nose, I sprinted out the door of the room, screaming over my shoulder, "If you bleed on the carpet I'm going to _kill you_!"

I never heard Zetsu's reply, because I slammed the door closed behind me and sprinted down the hallway towards the basement. I didn't even need to go down into the basement. Kakuzu, Itachi, Deidara, and Kate stood in the middle of the hallway laughing and talking. They stopped when they saw me and, with a hesitant glance in Kate's direction, they turned to me and said, "We blew up the orb on Earth's side."

I blinked – once, twice, three times – just to make sure this wasn't all a dream. I would never see my family again… Then, after a brief moment of sorrow, I smiled and said, "That's great! So the problem is solved?"

"We blew your old house from here to the sky!" cried Deidara excitedly.

I allowed myself to grin, but then, my eyes fell upon Kate's shoulder where blood dripped down her arm in long, spider-web streaks. My heart skipped a beat as I realized she was leaning on Deidara's shoulder for a reason.

"Kate!" I cried. "What happened to you?"

"A bullet grazed me," she said with an airy smile. "No big deal."

"I can stitch it back up again in a heart beat," said Kakuzu. And, right then and there, he turned to Kate and used his thin black tentacles as thread and began stitching her wound back up. I watched in horror the pale grimness on Kate's face, but soon Kakuzu's work was done and he severed the thread. Kate smiled.

"You should wash up," I said. "You know where the bathroom is…" I trailed off suddenly, looking around wildly. "Where's Dessie?"

There was a pause and everyone looked around confusedly.

"Wasn't she here with you?" asked Kakuzu.

"Hn."

"She was…" I said slowly. "But then she, Hidan, and Kisame all decided they wanted to go to Earth too and jumped into the blue orb…" My eyes widened. "Don't tell me you blew up the blue orb with them still on Earth!"

"We didn't know," snapped Kakuzu.

Kate covered her mouth with her hands and sat there gasping for air. "Kisame… Dessie… and Hidan… They're still… on Earth?"

I turned on my heels and practically sprinted down the hallway. The other followed me, knowing exactly where I was heading in this time of trouble. I threw open the door of the office and screamed, "LEADER!"

"I don't care."

"Leader! We have a problem!" I cried, running straight up to his desk and slamming my hands on the wooden surface.

Konan rose from out behind her desk and approached me, her brown furrowed in concern. Leader, however, seemed quite oblivious to the panic going on around him as the rest of the Akatsuki filed into the small office.

"I don't care," repeated Leader.

"Itachi, Kakuzu, Deidara, and Kate have returned from Earth having blown up the blue orb on Earth's side, but they left Kisame, Hidan, and Dessie there!"

How many times do I have to tell you that I don't – and never will c–" Leader blinked. Then, slowly raised his head so that his eyes met mine. "WHAT!"

"Oh," I said irritably. "Now you care."

"Meeting Room!" shouted Leader, getting to his feet. "Now! Anyone who takes more than five minutes to get there will find that he's missing limbs! Now get the hell out of my way!"

Well, all of us with brain did exactly what Leader told us and scampered off to the meeting room. Kakuzu brought Kate a bucket of water and I helped her clean her arm of blood. However, Kate looked distracted the entire time I cleaned her arm and in the end I had to ask her, "Are you worried about Kisame or Dessie?"

"Both," said Kate. "And Hidan too."

I grinned. "The only one who would ever worry about Hidan is Dessie. You don't have to pretend. Besides, Hidan is an immortal – what harm could come of him?"

"Someone could chop of his head…" whispered Kate.

"And then Dessie will pick it up and shove it back on his body. Don't underestimate Dessie and Hidan as a team – they're a psychopathic duo. And Kisame – have you seen his _sword_! That's thing is twice as big as you! And I don't mean that in the perverted sense."

Kate stared at me for a second and then, slowly, a deep blush crossed her face as she began to understand them meaning behind my words. "Hannah!" she wailed, burying her face in her hands (hand considering one of them was being washed). "I wasn't even thing like that! You pervert!"

I snickered and splashed some of the water at her face. Kate shrieked and pushed me away.

"Don't do that!"

"Two little girls playing water – can I join you?"

I looked over my shoulder at Deidara and saw that he was standing less than a meter away from me, grinning triumphantly.

"Could you have sounded any creepier?" I asked him. "And no, you can't join. The meeting is going to start soon."

Deidara shrugged and helped himself to a seat on the ground beside me. "It hasn't started yet. Leader is trying to sober up Zetsu. That plant is a drunk as a skunk – I didn't even know plants could get drunk!"

"You're right…" I said slowly. "Can plants get drunk…?"

I was saved from this in-depth conversation by the arrival of Tobi, who threw his arms around my neck and gave me a warm hug. "Hannah-Nunu! Tobi is glad to see Hannah-Nunu! Is Hannah-Nunu much happier now that she gets to see Kate."

"Dessie-Nunu is missing, remember?' I said.

Tobi squealed in horror. "Dessie-Nunu! Tobi wants to see Dessie-Nunu again too! Tobi misses her terribly…" And then he burst into tears and buried his masked-face in my shoulder. Thankfully, Deidara swatted Tobi away and I could return to my work of washing Kate's arm.

"Most of the blood is gone…" I said, examining her arm. "And you can move it fine…"

Kate wiggled her fingers. "I'm fine. It was either this or my h-h-head."

"Brave girl," I said, ruffling her hair fondly.

Leader, Konan, and Zetsu entered the meeting room. Zetsu looked slightly more alert, though still slightly drunk. Every once in awhile, Konan would prod Zetsu in the side and he would jerk up right before dozing off again a couple minutes later.

"Poor guy," said Kate. "I wonder what happened to him."

"Oh – er – um…"

Suddenly, Zetsu caught sight of Deidara who was standing next to me. Sloppily, Zetsu walked across the room to stand right in front of Deidara, the Venus flytrap towering over Deidara's head. "You!" said Zetsu.

"Er, yeah, me…uhn."

I smacked myself in the forehead. "Why is everyone here a complete moron?"

"We're going to chew you up into little bitty pieces and feed you to our himonohirohitoamunahah flower! And it will open its might poisonous jaws and go, nom-nom-nom! On your head!" Zetsu laughed maniacally. "Then Hannah will love no one but us!" More insane laughter.

"Zetsu…" I said slowly. "Get some sleep. Come threaten Deidara when your sober. I prefer it when you try to eat him yourself than when you try and feed him to your himonohirohitoamunahah flower."

"Himorablahblahblah?" asked Kate confusedly. "What is that?"

"Himo – no – hiro – hito – amun –ah – ah," I sounded out. "It's the name of one of the poisonous flowers in Zetsu's garden. Think of it like the Humuhumunukunukuapua'a – the state fish ofHawaii."

"How do you know this?" asked Kate.

"Family trip toHawaii. My mom bought me that shirt with a picture of the fish and the word humuhumunukunukuapua'a written across it."

"Oh yeah… I remember that."

"So many big words…" groaned Deidara. "My head is spinning, uhn."

Leader reached the front of the room and sat behind the desk. He surveyed the arguments going on in front of him and sighed heavily. "All of you shut up – I don't care about your petty squabbles. We have a bigger issue at hand – where the hell are Kisame, Hidan, and Dessie!"

"They're supposed to be on Earth…" I said slowly.

"Tobi hopes Dessie-Nunu is safe!"

"We didn't see them on Earth though," said Kakuzu. "Maybe they wound up somewhere else."

"Or maybe they were on Earth and we missed them and now we have accidentally left them there forever," snapped Leader irritably. "Hannah – this is all your fault."

"My fault!" I wailed. "Why is this all my fault!"

"You're the one who let them go to Earth," Konan pointed out. "We expected you to be the responsible one and instead you disappointed us."

I groaned. "You expected _me_ to be responsible?"

"More responsible than Hidan or Dessie or Kisame."

"Yeah…" I muttered. "You have a point there… They aren't exactly the most trustworthy Akatsuki members…"

"I resent that!" cried Kate. "You shouldn't put Kisame in the same category as _them…_"

Kakuzu snickered and thumped Kate on the back. "There's a good girlfriend, always defending her man – even when he is at _their _level." Kakuzu pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. "It's inspirational."

"Ignore him," I told Kate, pulling her away from Kakuzu's reach. "Kisame is not as low as _them_ but he is not the most responsible Akatsuki member."

"Tobi is confused. Who is '_them_'?"

There was a pause where everyone on exchanged silent glances, exasperated at the slowness of Tobi. It was Deidara, however, who took on the responsibility of explaining _them_ to Tobi.

"They are the dreaded pair. Like blood-soaked monsters of the night they besiege you, uhn." Deidara took on his horror-story voice, low and slow as he spoke. "They're loud – like the roaring of a drum before the battle, and they swear – like sailors of the mast. And they're violent – they'll rip you to shred before you even knew they were capable of it. Hold on to you privates, because '_they_' are the dreaded Dessie and Hidan."

Tobi shrieked.

"It's not that scary," muttered Leader irritably.

"Tobi was just following the mood."

"This is stupid," declared Leader. "Can we get back to the _real_ purpose of this meeting? What do we do about Kisame, Hidan, and Dessie's disappearance!"

Konan nodded in wholesome agreement with Leader's words. Rule Number Fifty-Seven: "Blowing up a glowing blue orb does have disastrous consequences. We should remember than next time."

"Well…" said Itachi. "We don't know for sure if the blue orb was destroyed. We're assuming it was. So maybe we could send people back and see if they can get to Earth."

There was a chorus of agreement amongst the Akatsuki members and I had to nod my head too – at least Itachi had a brain. After Leader and Konan had decided that Itachi's plan was suitable, we set ourselves to a new task, one of deciding who was to go back through the blue orb.

Deidara should go – obviously – since he was the one who blew up the blue orb, so he should be the one to see if his handiwork paid off. Then, Leader decided to send Tobi, for whatever reason I didn't know (probably because Tobi had been so annoying lately). And finally, Kate was going. I had wanted to go in her place, but Kate insisted that, even if she was injured, she had to jump through that blue orb. After all, it was her boyfriend on the other side.

And so, I stood stiffly in the basement as, once again, Deidara, Tobi, and Kate disappeared in the flash of blue light as I remained in the hideout watching.

"Damn…" I muttered. "Why does she get to have all the fun?"

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><p><strong>AN: Poor Hannah, I actually wanted her to go with Deidara and Tobi, but I couldn't manage that because her POV would take so long to get to. So, Kate gets to go and see her boyfriend instead. Gawd, it's so weird to refer to Kisame as a 'boyfriend'. The title just doesn't suit him. hahahaha**

**Yay! Back to daily updates! I love daily updates! Do you love daily updates? If you love daily updates please review!**


	58. The Temple of Warg

**_Summary of Events: _**_With Deidara, Tobi, and Kate headed for a dimension, in Wargonia, Dessie and Hidan are faced with the slight issue that Kisame has been kidnapped._

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Eight: The Temple of Warg<strong>

**_Rule Number Fifty-Eight: Put Hidan's immortality to good uses._**

**Dessie**

"Alright," I whispered. "Blood-Red, do you read me?"

"This is stupid. I'm right next to you."

"Hidan, goddamnit – use the codenames!"

Hidan scowled and looked ready to murder me, but he said, in a resigned voice, "Yes, I read you, Hottie-Hunter, loud and clear."

"There," I said, patting him on the shoulder. "It wasn't that hard now, was it?"

The two of us were crouching behind a bush in the little sculpture garden behind the Temple of Warg. We had managed to kidnap two guards and tortured them until they gave us information on Kisame's whereabouts. Then, after we had gotten the information we needed, Hidan was permitted to sacrifice them to Jashin (the final revenge against those Wargonians! [insert evil laugh here]),

"Okay," I said, whispering in case any Wargonians passed by. "You remember the plan?"

"Bitch," snapped Hidan. "I'm not that stupid. Your plans are hardly complex."

"Good. With you I wasn't sure if you could remember it – no matter how _basic _it seems."

"Yeah… yeah…"

"But in all seriousness," I said. "Remember that we could die. So, Hidan the Immortal, try not to get decapitated, because I'm not Kakuzu and I can't stitch you back together."

Hidan's face suddenly grew all straight and serious. He turned to me and said, grimly, "Don't be concerned about me, Dessie."

"Like hell I am!"

"The one you should worry about is yourself," continued Hidan as if I hadn't spoken. "Unlike me, you aren't immortal. If you get stabbed in the heart or the lung or some other vital organ, you could die. If your head gets damaged, you could die. If you get poisoned, you could die. If you lose too much blood, you could die. If you experience too much pain, you could die. If–"

"Hidan…"

"Anyways, just in case your mortal self dies, I want you to know…" He leant over and pressed his lips to mine. Then, a second later, he pulled away. "I love you."

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

"Don't joke with me, asshole!"

And with that I punched him in the head and had the satisfaction of watching him fall of his ass while I sprung to my feet and laughed maniacally. "You look like a sitting duck, you perverted shithead!"

Hidan, however, was laughing too, just not at the same things I was. "You should have seen your face!" he cried. "You were all serious! _What's he going on about? What's Hidan thinking? Oh my Jashin, he kissed me! Hidan the Gorgeous Sexy Hidan just kissed me!_" He fell over with more laughter.

"Shut the hell up, you man-sized ape!"

"Over there! Look! Over there!"

Both Hidan and I froze in our attempts to kill each other and looked over our shoulders to see the Wargonian guards sprinting through the sculpture garden towards us. Apparently our fighting was a little too loud…

"Well," I said, getting to my feet and dusting off. "Shall we get to it, Blood-Red?"

"We shall, Hottie-Hunter."

"See you on the other side." And with a salute, I left Hidan to his work and sprinted away through the garden while he filled his role of the escape plan: Don't die.

You see, my dear readers, the thing with Hidan is that he cannot die. You can chop off his head, stab him with a thousand spears and rip his body into tiny little pieces the largest no bigger than your thumbnail – and Hidan will still be alive. So, with all this in mind, Hidan makes the perfect distraction for a rescue mission. You see, he runs around in little circles shouting insults as the Wargonians and they try and kill him – but they can't! Therefore, he is the eternal distraction. Rule Number Fifty-Eight: Put Hidan's immortality to good uses.

I left him behind with the crowds of Wargonian soldiers and sprinted in side of the temple, careful to duck my head to that people couldn't see me. Unfortunately, being a pink-skinned girl in a world full of gray-skinned Wargonians does not work in my favor and I stood out like a sore thumb.

"There she is!"

"That Jashinist girl!"

"Get her! Kill her! Rip her to tiny shreds!"

I screamed and high-tailed it out of there as fast as my short little legs could carry me.

The Wargonians were chasing after me and I led them down a series of hallways and corridors as I searched for Kisame. However, the Wargonians were faster than me and they caught up to me at one point. So, I twisted around and kick the first guy – who happened to be a soldier – between the legs and stole his spear.

"Alright, shitheads," I said, turning to the others. "Line up – single file – and I'll take you all one-by-one!"

They stopped. Stared at me. And then looked at one another in confusion.

"Why would we do that?" one of them asked.

"Er… To be nice to me?"

We all stared at one another awkwardly and then laughed.

"Like hell we'd be nice to you," cried one of the Wargonians between laughter. "We're trying to kill you…"

"Right." And then I sprinted out of there with hoards of Wargonians chasing after me.

"So – not – cool!"

And then they were gone.

Just like that, the Wargonians stopped chasing me and I was running alone through the long hallways of the Temple of Warg. I slowed to a walk and looked around bemusedly.

"What?" I asked. "Am I not worthy of killing now?"

Silence.

"Come on! I'm standing right here! All alone! Come kill me!"

Still no answer.

"What the hell?"

With a shrug, I hurried along through the corridors until I managed to find the room that the captives had describe for me during their torture. I pushed open the door and sure enough, Kisame was there – big, blue, and shark-like, definitely Kisame.

"Took you long enough," he said. "They tied me up with ropes – the idiots – come free me."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…" I muttered, pulling a knife out of my pockets and crossing the room. I cut the thick ropes that bound Kisame and then stepped back while he free himself from the tangle. "I only returned because Kate would kill me otherwise."

"Isn't my girlfriend great? She saves my life even when she's not around."

"Did they torture you?" I asked.

Kisame shook his head. "I was probably only kidnapped to be bait. You know how it works."

"I know, but you'd think they would try to get some information out of you before then…"

"Maybe they took one look at my stunning good-looks and decided that to torture me would be a waste." Kisame grinned at my scandalized expression. "Or maybe they were just too confident that they could interrogate me after they had captured you and Hidan.

I rolled my eyes and then jerked my head in the direction of the door. "Come on let's go…"

My voice trailed off. Right in the middle of the doorway stood a Wargonian man. Only… he didn't look like just any other Wargonian man or soldier. He was dressed in gold with a silver crown upon his head and bronze shoes upon his feet – this guy was _special_. Anyone could tell by just one look at him.

"Who the hell are you?"

The Wargonian's mouth stiffened, but he didn't say anything for a second. Then, when he opened his mouth to reveal all his golden teeth, he said, "I am Urkakuk the Head Priest of the Temple of Warg. Who are you?"

"That's one mouthful of a name. I'm Desdemona Lee, but you can call me Dessie," I said. "And this Fish Fry is Kisame."

Kisame was rather offended by this introduction, but his good sense told him not to speak.

"And who is your Jashinist friend?" The way Urkakuk said the word 'Jashinist' was enough to set me on edge. Urkakuk _hated_ Jashinists – to the extent that using the word hate was an understatement. Urkakuk _loathed_ Jashinists. And, most unfortunately, Hidan was a Jashinist.

"That would be Hidan," I said. "He's a little psycho."

"We're not Jashinists," said Kisame quickly. "That idiot Hidan is – feel free to kill him – but Dessie and I aren't."

Urkakuk stared at us. "Any Jashinist is an enemy of mine. And a friend of my enemy is my enemy too."

"Er…" Kisame shifted awkwardly.

"Warg will punish you all…" Urkakuk raised his hand dangerously and pointed it at Kisame and me. "We will invade your dimension and crush it to tiny pieces until Warg will rule over your world! Then, as the great god Warg has ordered us, we will conquer new world and worlds beyond those! It's a shame you won't be there to see it. Now die oh pathetic ones…"

"Enough of this bullshit," I said and then kicked Urkakuk between the legs.

Urkakuk the Head Priest of the Temple of Warg grabbed onto his manly bits and crumpled to the floor wailing in pain. I stepped over his fallen body and turned to Kisame with a demonic grin. "Shall we go?"

"Crazy bitch…" muttered Kisame, but he followed me.

We managed to make it all the way out to the sculpture garden without being seen. Apparently Urkakuk had ordered the temple to be emptied of visitors while he got rid of the intruders, which, thankfully, helped us with our escape. However, the moment we entered the sculpture garden to collected Hidan (or what was left of him) we ran into scores of Wargonians soldiers all chasing after a screaming, swearing, sprinting silver-haired Jashinist.

"Hidan!" I called out.

"What do you want, bitch!"

"I have Fish Fry."

"Great!"

Hidan came running towards us at full speed. There was blood all over him where swords and spears had penetrated his skin, but, of course, that did not hinder his movement. Already the wounds had healed and only the blood stains remained.

"Hey, Kisame!" cried Hidan, as he passed us up and kept sprinting towards the city limits. "Word of advice – don't ever visit Wargonia again!"

I hurried after Hidan and called out, "I second that notion – Wargonia is not the place for me!"

"So are you going to convert?" asked Kisame.

"To Jashinism?" added Hidan.

"Never!" I screamed. "Just because I don't support Warg's followers doesn't mean I will give up on Warg!"

"That's nice," said Kisame, glancing over his shoulder frantically. "Now, as we have armies of Wargonians chasing after us, I suggest we run."

I laughed, my voice riding on the wind of the desert. "Three Akatsuki! Three Akatsuki! See how they run! See how they run! With the Wargonians god they ran a strife – and almost had heads cut off with a carving knife! Three Akatsuki! Three Akatsuki! See how they run! See how they run!"

"Dessie!" roared Kisame.

"Yes?"

"You're fucking crazy!"

Hidan let out a shriek of laughter. "Run faster, shitheads!"'

Other bastards, when they flee it looks cowardly, but here in the Akatsuki when we flee the scene screaming our heads off – we do it in _style_.

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><p><strong>AN: Mwahahahahahaha Sorry if the update was a bit slow - I went to a library conference yesterday and came back with seventyish books (and I'm not exaggerating). So yay! I'm at one down at 69 to go hahaha. Eeps and now I have drivers' Ed in ten minutes hahaha. **

**Thank you for all your reviews last time - yes, I think daily updates are amazing too. But what's even better is the result of that - daily reviews! So - review! (and yes, Hidan did kiss Dessie at the beginning of the chapter) **


	59. A Fashionable Farewell

**_Summary of Events: _**_Deidara, Tobi, and Kate headed for a dimension - whatever one will it be? In Wargonia, Dessie, Hidan, and Kisame are being chased by hoards of Wargonians. _

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifty-Nine: A Fashionable Farewell<strong>

**_Rule Number Fifty-Nine: Run_**

**Kate**

Sand. Why is there sand? I don't like sand. Even as a kid I would scream and throw a fit every time we went to the beach, complaining because sand had gotten into my underwear. Yep. I don't like sand.

"Look, Deidara-sempai, Tobi is building a sand castle!"

There was the sound of an explosion and Tobi let out a shriek. I had no doubt tat Deidara had just blown Tobi's sand castle into the next life. Poor Tobi, when would he ever learn?

Slowly, I got to my feet and tried not to gag on the sand in my mouth. It was dry and bristly – like sand paper – and tasted like dust. Yep, I most certainly hate sand. Tobi, on the other hand, seemed to like it, since he was currently making a "cake" for Deidara to eat.

"There is no way I am ever going to eat that pile of sand, uhn," said Deidara coldly.

Tobi looked disappointed as he put the "cake" into the "oven" to let it cook. "Why doesn't Deidara-sempai want to eat Tobi's cooking? Tobi is a good cook."

"You're not cooking!" screamed Deidara. "You're playing with sand! There's a very big difference between the two!"

"Er…" I said slowly, shuffling awkwardly. "Where are we?"

Both Tobi and Deidara turned to me, stared, and then shrugged.

"Like hell I know!" snapped Deidara. "I woke up in this shitty sand the same as you and I have no idea where we are the same as you! This is so stupid! How are we supposed to find Dessie, Hidan, and Kisame in a place like this?"

"Tobi thinks we should start looking for them. Tobi is worried about Dessie-Nunu in a place like this."

"You're sure we didn't end up in Suna or something?" I asked slowly.

Deidara snorted and shook his head.

"Tobi wonders if we're on Earth."

"We're not," I said, pointing up at the bright red sun burning brightly in the sky. "That is not Earth's sun. Er… I think we might be in a whole new dimension…"

"So," said Deidara slowly. "What are the odds that the others are here, uhn?"

"Slim…"

"Then why don't we go back to the blue orb and say we couldn't find them?" Deidara had already turned around and started making his way back in search of the blue orb.

"Wait! But what if they are here?" I asked desperately. "Kisame, Dessie, and Hidan! What if they are here and just behind those mountains over there or wandering alone in the desert! We need to make sure they aren't here! We need to be absolutely sure!"

"Tobi agrees with Kate."

Deidara groaned, but, surprisingly, he turned around and followed me as we wandered through the desert. We had only been plodding along for about five minutes when Tobi suddenly stopped and pointed. Deidara and I followed his gaze, trying to see what he was pointing at.

"What is it, Tobi?" I asked. "What do you see?"

"Someone made a _really _big sand castle."

"What?" Deidara looked as confused as I felt. We both stared blankly at Tobi, waiting for him to elaborate, and when Tobi didn't, Deidara asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Look…" Tobi pointed at the horizon, but I still didn't see anything.

"Wait a minute…" Deidara squinted. "There's a glowing red light over a city… Tobi, you idiot, that's not a sand castle – it's a whole city in the middle of the desert, uhn!"

Tobi stared. "Oh, you're right… So clever, Deidara-sempai!"

"I still don't see it…" I muttered, but neither Deidara or Tobi cared (they would have if I'd been Dessie or Hannah…)

"If they're here," said Deidara excitedly. "They're probably in that city somewhere."

Tobi was already running towards the city, Deidara started after Tobi, but I caught him by the sleeve and reminded him that I was not a ninja and therefore unable to run at the same speed as Tobi and him. So, Deidara picked me up and piggybacked me as he ran through the desert.

The city on the horizon drew closer until even I could see it. It's towers and buildings rose high in the red sky and a huge, red light glittered above the city as thought it were a halo that blessed the people below.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Deidara and Tobi came to a halt and I peered over Deidara's shoulder trying to see who was screaming.

Three people came sprinting past us, still shrieking at the top of their lungs as if hell were chasing after them.

"Kisame!" I screamed, hopping off Deidara's back. "Kisame! Wait for me!"

The three of them came to a halt and I saw that Hidan was carrying Dessie on his back while Kisame ran a little a head of them. They all turned and stared at Deidara, Tobi, and me, their eyes wide with the upmost horror.

"I'm insulted that you didn't see us, uhn," said Deidara. "You're running away like cowards–"

Without a word, Kisame sprinted back, plucked me up off the ground and screamed, "Run!" and then we were off again, running as fast as possible in the opposite direction. Rule Number Fifty-Nine: Run, run, run!

Behind us, I heard Deidara swear and chase after us. Soon, however, Deidara and Tobi caught up and the questions came like rapid fire. "Where the hell are we! Why are we running away! What is going on here!"

"Well…" said Dessie, looking over her shoulder as she clung to Hidan's back. "We're in a place called Wargonia where the people worship the god Warg."

Silence.

"I'm being serious here!" roared Deidara. "Now is not the time to joke around! Uhn!"

"I am being serious!" snapped back Dessie. "This place really is Wargonia!"

"She's serious," agreed Kisame and Hidan in unison.

"Right now," said Kisame. "We're kind of running away from the Wargonian army – we sort of pissed them off when Dessie kicked the Head Priest in the balls while trying to bail me out of prison."

"Oh, and Hidan's a Jashinist," added Dessie. "And Jashinists are the Wargonians' mortal enemy."

"This is exceedingly confusing…" said Deidara. He looked over his shoulder and, for a second, gawped. Then, he turned his head back to Kisame and, still running, he screamed, "Why the hell is there hoards of people chasing after us!"

"Like we said, Dessie kicked their leader and Hidan's a Jashinist, I'm the only real innocent one here."

"You're Jashinist by association, remember?" said Dessie.

"Tobi's head hurts."

Quickly, Kisame recited the whole story to us from the time of their arrival to the time they met us. When he was done, Deidara, Tobi, and I could only gawp at Kisame in horror. Then, suddenly, Deidara turned to Dessie and said, "You made up a god to spite Hidan and it turned out that god is real?"

"Yep."

"Damn. That's pretty awesome."

"I know."

They both laughed and Hidan flipped them off (an awkward gesture when one of them is riding on your back and the other is running behind you).

Tobi sped up a little until he was running along beside Hidan and Dessie. Tobi smiled real big and said, "Dessie-Nunu! Tobi missed you! A lot!"

"Hey, Tobi,' said Dessie. "You only missed me 'a lot'? I'm hurt – I expected much more from you."

Tobi let out a little shriek and shook his head. "Tobi missed you more than just a lot. Tobi missed you tons and mountains and Tobi missed you to the moon and back! The amount of Tobi's missing in immeasurable! Tobi is very, very missing!"

Dessie let out a bark of laughter. "Alright, Tobi, you're forgiven."

Hidan snorted and muttered something about Dessie being too nice under his breath to which Dessie slapped Hidan over the back of the head and made him stumble a bit.

"So," said Dessie, turning to the rest of us. "What did we miss while we were away? What happened on Earth? What took you so long to get back? Did you deal with the blue orb?"

"Well…" I said slowly. "When we first arrived, cops were surrounding the house and after a fight to get away, I ended up in jail…"

"Wait!" cried Dessie. "Out of Itachi, Kakuzu, Deidara, and you – you were the only one who ended up in jail? _You_ went to jail!"

"Yes," I said, my face burning bright red. "Is that so unbelievable?'

Dessie snickered. "You're one up on me – even I've never been to jail – though I've come close to it several times…" She laughed harder. "Kate's got a criminal record!"

"It's not like it matters," said Deidara. "Since you guys will never go back anyway."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"We blew up the blue orb."

There was a pause as this information dawned on Dessie. She recovered from the shock rapidly and grinned. "That'll make Ms. Wendy happy. The money is all officially hers. I am never coming back again. They didn't arrest her or anything did they?"

"They tried after we left the first time," I said. "But there was no evidence. So she's fine. Ms. Wendy is smart."

"I know," said Dessie. "She did raise me, after all."

"So wait…" said Kisame slowly. "You, Dessie, and Hannah are never going back home?"

I shook my head. "It's impossible now. Which means we're stuck with you forever."

Hidan and Deidara groaned (though we all knew that it secretly made them very happy) while Kisame and Tobi celebrated. Tobi did his Happy Dance, which is extremely humiliating and I dare not recount it for fear of making you all die of embarrassment.

"So what happened at the hideout?" Dessie asked Tobi.

I had forgotten to ask Hannah about her time alone when we'd first gotten back from Earth – after all, we were busy worry about the missing Akatsuki members. Now, when Tobi told us what had happened, I listened intently.

"Leader worked the whole time and Konan helped. Leader didn't care about anything else. Tobi played with his dolls and wanted Hannah-Nunu to play House with him, but Hannah-Nunu refused. Then, Tobi tried to get her to play Hide-and-Go-Seek with him, but once again Hannah-Nunu refused. So, after that, Tobi tried to get her to play Freeze Tag with him, but Hannah-Nunu refused. Then, Tobi tried to get Hannah-Nunu to play Snakes-and-Ladders with him, but she refused…"

"Er… I regret asking him," muttered Dessie.

"Then Zetsu decided to show Hannah-Nunu and Tobi his garden, but after Hannah-Nunu told Zetsu she didn't love him and only saw him as a houseplant, Zetsu got upset and tried to eat Tobi."

"Hold on a second!"

Tobi stopped and turned to stare at Dessie. "Yes, Dessie-Nunu?"

"Hannah rejected Zetsu!"

Tobi nodded solemnly. "Zetsu said he'd make a good husband and Hannah-Nunu said she didn't see Zetsu as a husband and she had no romantic feelings for him whatsoever. Then, Zetsu tried to eat Tobi!"

Deidara was grinned. "I wish the houseplant was here so I can rub it in his face – _rejected_! Loser." Deidara laughed even harder and Dessie aimed a ferocious kick at his face, which Deidara barely dodged. "What was that for!"

"Don't laugh at poor Zetsu – his love was pure. Unlike a certain someone."

Deidara glared. "Zetsu's love is as pure as his stomach – which is, to say, not very, uhn."

"We shouldn't discuss this when Zetsu and Hannah aren't here…" I said.

"But when they're not here we can say what ever we want and not have to worry about it," said Deidara.

I shook my head and cuddled closer to Kisame's chest. He grinned broadly and then tried to hide it when he saw Dessie staring at him. I giggled – it's nice to have a boyfriend. Not only do I get my own personal snuggle, I also get to make Dessie jealous. It's a win-win situation.

"Where's the shitty blue orb!"

Hidan and Dessie were looking this way and that wildly as they searched for the blue orb. Everyone else joined in too. But not matter how hard we searched, the orb was no where in sight.

Finally tired and frustrated, Kisame rounded on Hidan and cried, "You're sure this is the right place!"

"Of course!" snapped Hidan and Dessie in unison.

Kisame was unconvinced.

I patted his arm lightly and said, "If Hidan and Dessie are actually agreeing on something that doesn't involve violence, I'd say it's true."

"The idiot couple…" muttered Kisame.

"Look who's talking!" snapped Hidan. He had stopped running and, with Dessie still clutching his back, he rounded on Kisame and me, ready for a fight.

"Tobi is still concerned about the Wargonians army chasing us."

Dessie groaned and smacked Hidan over the back of his head. "While you don't really have any brain cells to spare – get a move on, asshole, unless you want the Wargonians to be eating your ass for dinner tonight!"

That got Hidan's attention. Rubbing the back of his head and muttering something about "valuable brain cells", he looked around at the vast desert sands and finally said, "Where is the blue orb?'

"Why no try the mountains?" asked Dessie. "The blue orb – since we don't see it in the desert – must be hiding in the mountains. And even if it's not, it'll be easier to hide from the Wargonians in the mountains than in the wide open desert."

"Tobi likes Dessie-Nunu's idea."

And so, we raced across the desert, wind billowing through our hair as we made our way towards the towering mountain peaks. Kisame was carrying me bridal style and it had still not come across him to put me down and piggyback me the way Hidan did Dessie. But still, it made me happy. Having a boyfriend is so nice…

We reached the foot of the mountains and began to climb – or, in true ninja fashion, jump from boulder to boulder slowing gaining height as we aimed for the top of the mountains. We kept our eyes peeled in case we caught sight of the blue orb and, in fact, as we neared the top, it was Dessie who caught sight of the glowing blue.

"Over there!" she cried, pointing madly.

We followed her directions and sure enough, in a crevice between two large, oddly shaped boulders lay the warped, glimmering rays of blue light.

"So…" said Kisame slowly. "Who's going to jump down there first?"

Everyone shuffled awkwardly. It was a long jump down and even if the blue orb was there to catch us, there was still the overwhelming possibility that we might just fall to our deaths.

"I think Hidan should go first," said Deidara. "He is immortal after all."

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Hidan. "That's what they all say – Hidan's immortal so it's okay if he falls and breaks his neck!"

"Oh, we don't care if you're immortal," said Dessie. "We just wanted you to fall and break your neck."

"You little bitch!"

Hidan started to chase after Dessie, as if he were going to strangle her. It entertained the rest of us for a minute or two, but – just before Hidan could catch Dessie – a spear came flying out of no where and buried itself in the ground between them.

"What the hell!" screamed Dessie, leaping away. "This is not funny!"

"No one is laughing!" snapped Deidara.

"Tobi sees the Wargonian army behind us…"

"What do we do?" I cried, clinging on to Kisame.

Dessie turned on her heels and sprinted, as fast as she possibly could towards us. As she passed, she grabbed Hidan by the wrist and raced towards the crevice behind Kisame and me. Dragging Hidan by the arm, she jumped into the air and the two of them plummeted downwards.

There was a flash of blue.

Kisame and I peered over the edge of the crevice and, since we could not see and mangled corpses, the two of us jumped into the crevice after Hidan and Dessie. There was a flash of light and then…

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><p><strong>AN: I forgot to tell you all that the poll on my profile page is now answerable! Which Survival Guide OC is your favorite? Please answer! Please! I luuuuuuuurv you all! Well, they have left Wargonia. Fun times *insert evil laughter here with the knowingness that belongs only to the author* Anyways, please review! Review! Review! please... the Wargonians look upon you with puppy dog eyes abd beg you to...**


	60. Warg's Revenge

**_Summary of Events: _**Deidara, Tobi, Kate, Kisame, Hidan, and Dessie have jumped into the portal yet again leaving Wargonia far behind them - where will they end up?

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty: Warg's Revenge <strong>

**_Rule Number Sixty: Don't ever piss off a god_**

**Hannah**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What the hell…"

"This is stupid."

"Well… at least they managed to find Hidan, Dessie, and Kisame…"

"Hn."

Dessie gasped for breath between screams at turned to glare at Itachi. "Don't you 'hn' me, Mr.! I'm screaming my head off for a reason!"

Kakuzu leaned back in his chair and scowled in the direction of Dessie. "Do you ever have a reason for the things you do? Kate – come here. I need to change your bandages."

Kate complied and went to stand by Kakuzu as he played the role of doctor yet again. I slipped across the room to come help, while Dessie continued her rant about how she always has a reason for the things she does (which we all know is a lie).

Kakuzu probably would have ripped Dessie to pieces for being so loud and annoying, but, unfortunately, Leader walked into the living room moment before Kakuzu could finish with Kate's bandages and proceed to kill Dessie. So, with her life spared and an order from Leader, Dessie made her way to the Meeting Room and the rest of us followed.

"So what happened to you?" asked Itachi as we entered to Meeting Room.

I glanced sidelong at him, surprised to hear Itachi speak, and then said, "Leader will probably explain in a minute."

Itachi nodded. "Hn."

Everyone else gathered in a semi-circle around Leader's desk, chatting under their breaths. Kate was clinging to Kisame (as she always did nowadays – Kate is a very clingy person) while next to them Itachi stood silently, glowering at everything and everyone in the room. I was next to Itachi and then on my right stood Deidara, who was busying having an argument with Zetsu about whether Zetsu being a vegetarian meant e was cannibal. Next to Deidara was Tobi, who kept trying to hug Dessie, but she was in the middle of an intense arm wrestling competition with Hidan (don't ask) while Kakuzu tried to place bets.

Leader sat behind his desk and massaged his temples irritably. "You send them away for awhile to get some peace and quiet – then what do they do the moment they get back? They won't shut up. Why am I in the mood to decapitate something?"

The idea of Leader decapitating was enough to shut everyone up. We all turned to stare at Leader, shuffling awkwardly. He nodded appreciatively at the sudden silence.

"Dessie," said Leader, turning to address her. "Explain."

And so Dessie launched into her story. Since you have probably heard this story a hundred times over, I'll give you the edited and brief recap version: Dessie, Hidan, and Kisame jump through blue orb. End up desert. Find city. City belongs to Wargonians. Who worship Warg. A god made up by Dessie to spite Hidan. Hidan is Jashinist. Wargonians hate Jashinists. Hidan, Dessi,e Kisame are chased by Wargonians. Wargonians become super powered when red light glows brighter. Kisame is captured. Dessie and Hidan rescue Kisame and then _run_! They run into Deidara, Tobi, and Kate – and then run faster. They find blue orb. Then end.

Silence followed.

"That's the most ridiculous story I have ever heard," said Leader.

"You don't believe us!" asked Deidara incredulously. "I was there, uhn. It was insane."

"I believe you," muttered Leader. "But that doesn't make it any less ridiculous."

"Hn."

Well, after managing to convince everyone that Wargonia was no a joke, the meeting ended and for a day or two everything went back to "normal".

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><p>"I still think it's crazy," I said, lying back on my bed. "So Warg is real? I did not see that one coming."<p>

"I didn't either," said Dessie.

"I'm just glad we're back," said Kate. "I missed Kisame so much… I was so worried about him – you know, when I discovered you three had left to go find us…"

"You were just worried about Kisame?" asked Dessie, faking horror. "I'm hurt. I was in danger just as much as he was. But no… Now that you've got yourself a _boyfriend_ your true friends come second."

Kate looked mortified. "I would never! I was just as worried about you Dessie! Really!"

"I'm kidding," said Dessie, chucking a pillow at Kate's head.

We were sitting in our room, each one of us on our own bed with Konan, who Dessie had forced to join us for some "girl time". Konan had decided to sit on Kate's bed (since Kate is the least violent) and was trying to pretend that she was somewhere else so that she didn't have to listen t our pointless chatter.

"Well," I said. "At least you two got to have some fun adventures. Konan and I were stuck in the hideout the whole time."

"Really?" said Dessie slyly. "I heard you had quite the adventure in Zetsu's garden."

I groaned. "Tobi told you! That idiot…"

"So you rejected Zetsu," cried Kate, leaning forward eagerly. "I always knew you had a thing for Deidara."

Dessie sighed. "I was rooting for Zetsu."

"I don't like either of them," I said stiffly.

"I always thought there was something going on between her and Kakuzu," added Konan thoughtfully. "Or Itachi."

Dessie gasped. "Original Hottie is _mine_! Don't be a boyfriend stealer, Hannah!"

I smacked myself in the forehead. "You're the one who broke up with Itachi."

"You like him!" wailed Dessie.

"No."

"But you were making excuses! You must like him! Never! You two would make an awful couple!" Dessie threw her shoe at my head and it hit my forehead with a nasty thud.

"I don't like Itachi, Dessie!" I screamed. "I don't like Zetsu! I don't like Deidara! And I don't like Kakuzu! And Dessie! If I ever want love advice I will ask someone who actually knows what love is – not some girl who can't even recognize love when it stomps around in front of her shitless!"

Silence.

Dessie glared at me. "What are you implying here?"

"She's talking about how Hidan loves you and you love Hidan," supplied Konan.

"Hidan doesn't love me," said Dessie bluntly. "He only kissed me as a joke."

Everyone in the room froze and slowly turned to stare at Dessie. It was, surprisingly, Konan who spoke first – though she barely managed it.

"You and Hidan k-k-kissed?"

Dessie shrugged nonchalantly. "In Wargonia. He was joking though."

Kate sighed. "Is there no one in this world as romantically dense as Dessie?"

"Probably not," said Konan, nodding in agreement. "Why don't they just hurry up and date. I'm sick and tired of all their lovers' quarrels."

"They're both idiots," I said, tossing Dessie's shoe back at her.

"I kn–"

But Kate's words were cut off by a god-awful scream from the hallway. We all sat still for a moment, staring apprehensively at the door. Then, slowly, we got to or feet and made our way out into the hallway in search of the source of the scream. We found the source soon enough – Tobi. However, it was not the discovery that Tobi screams like a girl that horrified us, it was the fact that he stood in the middle of the hall face-to-face with several gray-skinned, white-haired, red-eyed Wargonian men.

I'm not sure who screamed first. It might have been Kate.

But who screamed first doesn't really matter. What matters is that there are several Wargonians standing in the Akatsuki hideout and that several more came to join them.

"What the… Why are you here!" Dessie pointed violently at each one of the Wargonians in turn.

One of them grinned. "We are here to conquer your world in the name of Warg."

The others nodded.

"Warg is very angry with you. You invaded the sacred temple and defiled his name. How dare Jashin-worshippers like you even go near Warg. And now – Warg is angry. He will bring down his revenge and divine punishment upon you all!"

Rule Number Sixty: Don't piss off a god.

"What's going on here? Who is shouting? I'm going to murder him – _some people_ need to work. Unlike the rest of you lazy ass criminals…"

Leader froze. His head half sticking out of the doorway to his office, Leader stared blankly at Tobi, Konan, Dessie, and me and all the Wargonians in the hallway (there were now about thirty of them).

"Konan…" said Leader slowly.

"Yes?"

"Why are there Wargonians standing in my hallway?"

"I would assume they came through the portal, Leader," said Konan. "They're here to conquer the world."

"Right. Well then, kill them."

"Yes."

Killing Wargonians is not an easy task – especially when then have a near limitless supply coming out of a portal from another dimension. Konan and Tobi battled the Wargonians as best they could, but they were struggling. Kate, Dessie, and I raced down the corridor to call upon the rest of the Akatsuki. I found Kisame and Itachi and dragged them out to the hallway.

For a good half an hour the fight went on.

I helped in whatever ways I could – the frying pan is a deadly weapon indeed. However, the Wargonians are as strong as or, possibly, stronger than the Akatsuki and poor me, who is not even a ninja, was completely overwhelmed.

"Dessie!" I cried, as she punched a Wargonian in the nose.

"Yeah?"

"I can't keep up…"

Dessie nodded in understanding. She couldn't keep up either.

"What do we do?" wailed Kate, running over to cower behind Dessie (Dessie does make a good meat shield).

Dessie punched another Wargonian in the jaw and he grabbed her wrist. Just in time I managed to bring the frying pan crashing down on his arm and he was forced to release Dessie.

"Run!" she cried.

The three of us sprinted down the hallway, ducking and dodging whichever way we went. We had just reached the end of the hall where the door to the hideout lay when Leader's voice filled the room.

"Akatsuki retreat!"

Two words that have never been spoken before. And will probably never be spoken again. With those two words the Akatsuki fled and the three of us went with them. Those two words, spoken by Leader in a dire circumstance, meant one thing: We are in a big shitload of trouble.

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><p><strong>AN: Short chapter but very important to the plot. And I really have to fix my prob - EW! EW! THERE'S A BUG CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR - AND A FIGGIN' HUGE ONE IF I MIGHT ADD! My attempts to squish it failed, the bug will live to fight another day. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, I have to fix my problem of ending chapters will either a) people running away or b) people jumping into the blue orb hahahahahah **

**If you have not already please go to my profile page and vote on my poll - Which OC is your favorite? **

**And, PLEASE REVIEW! OR MISTER FRIGGIN' HUGE BUG WILL COME TO FIND YOU!**


	61. Hating the Least

**Chapter Sixty-One: Hating the Least**

**_Rule Number Sixty-One: Remember _****a lot_ of people hate the Akatsuki_**

**Dessie**

There is nothing that hurts more than being forced to give up the Akatsuki hideout. Our secret home where we could hang out and relax was now overrun by ugly-ass creatures from Wargonia. Yep, this day has officially reached the top of the Sucks Like Hell list.

"Now remember, every single one of you," said Leader, his voice dark and grave. "You are not – and I mean no when I say it – allowed to get drunk tonight."

"Come on!" cried Kakuzu angrily. "After the shit we've been through, I think we deserve some sake!"

"Hear, hear!" Deidara cried.

We sat in the middle of a crowded bar, careful to speak in undertones in case someone was to overhear our plans. In situations like this, a secret hideout would be very useful – but _no_ it just had to be overrun by Wargonian freaks.

"We have some _serious_ issues to discuss," snapped Leader. "Our dimension–"

"The Fence," I added.

"The what?" Leader stared at me blankly.

"Kisame, Hidan, and I renamed our dimension the Fence to prevent any confusion. The Fence is being invaded by freaks from Wargonia – carry on."

Leader looked murderous. "As I was saying before I was _interrupted_: we are in the middle of a dire situation here. Wargonians have invaded the hideout and plan to take over… the Fence… And there are too many of them to fight."

"Why don't we get help?" asked Kate.

Hannah nodded in agreement, though I think she too saw a big hole in this plan.

"We're the Akatsuki – the number one criminal organization!" Leader said coldly. "We don't ask for help. We are above help. And besides, everyone hates us."

"He has a point," I said.

"We will die and the Fence overrun if we don't do something about it," said Konan. "We can ask some countries to help us with the threat – I'm sure they will if we have proof that the Wargonians are real…"

"They hate us."

"We still have to try," Hannah pointed out.

"Hn."

"Itachi agrees," said Kisame. "And so do I."

There was a quick vote, which ended eight to four that we should get help. Leader sighed in resignation and slumped back. "Fine. But who should we talk to?"

"Konoha," said Itachi immediately. "They're powerful and they might be willing to give us a chance."

"And Team Hebi!" I cried excitedly. "Powerful, strong, and they know who we are!"

"You just want to see Sasuke," said Hannah.

"Well – and they have two Hotties," I added with a shrug. "But who's counting?"

"And Suna," added Deidara thoughtfully (I didn't know Deidara could think). "They're allies with Konoha. If we win those two over, we can probably win over the rest of the countries and their leaders."

Leader grumbled. "The Akatsuki asking for help. Blasphemy!"

"Just get over it," muttered Konan, which caused Leader to shoot her a murderous glare.

"Fine. We'll divide into groups of four and go out into the world – but who should go where to negotiate? I mean, when you think about it, people like Deidara or Itachi are hated by everyone…"

"Then we'll have to go by who hates them the least," said Kisame.

"So…" Leader thought for a moment. "Suna probably hates Deidara the most since he kidnapped and killed their Kazekage…"

"The Kazekage came back to life though," said Deidara. "So it hardly matters anymore."

Leader ignored him. "Konoha's fought Deidara on multiple occasions and they're good friends of Suna's so they probably don't like Deidara very much either. And Team Hebi – Deidara and Sasuke don't get along very well… But Sasuke probably hates Deidara less than everyone else… So Deidara can go to Team Hebi."

"My head is spinning…" muttered Kate.

"Why does everyone hate you?" asked Kisame incredulously.

"What can I say? They're just jealous of my artistic talents." Deidara grinned smugly.

"Somehow I don't think that's it…"

"Next is Itachi," said Leader. "Sasuke will kill him on sight, so Team Hebi is a no. Konoha doesn't like Itachi very much either since be destroyed the whole Uchiha clan… So, while Suna hates Itachi too, I guess he has to go there…"

"Oh! Oh!" I hopped up and down in my seat, waving my arm about wildly. When I had captured Leader's attention, I leaned forward eagerly and cried, "Can I go see either Mini-Hottie or Red-Hottie?"

"Who?"

"Hell no!" (this was Hidan talking)

"Sasuke or Gaara!"

Leader groaned and shook his head. "Both Gaara and Sasuke hate you and since Konoha knows you the least, you're going there."

"But…"

"No buts – making out with them will not get us any where in negotiations. Let's see… Hannah was with Dessie when Dessie kissed Gaara, so Gaara probably doesn't like Hannah very much either – so sending Kate to Suna is the better choice. Which means, Hannah, you're going to Team Hebi."

"Lucky!" I wailed.

"I want to go to Konoha too!" cried Hidan.

"Nope," said Leader. "In case you've forgotten a bunch of shinobi has sworn revenge against you for killing their sensei and you'll probably kill Sasuke on sight, so you're going to Suna with Itachi and Kate."

"And Kisame… Well, Suigetsu hates him and Konoha does too… Since Suna doesn't know Kisame, he's going there too…"

Kisame smiled adoringly at Kate and she turned a vivid shade of red – it's enough to make someone puke.

"Kakuzu… Konoha has issues with him so we'll send him to Team Hebi and Zetsu will go to Konoha…" Leader thought for a second. "Konan and I will go to Konoha and Tobi can go to Team Hebi…"

"What!" Deidara cried. "I have to travel with _that thing_ again!"

"Shut up, sit down, and don't complain," snapped Leader. "Deidara, Tobi, Hannah, and Kakuzu are going to talk to Sasuke – end of story. Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Itachi are going to Suna. And Dessie, Zetsu, Konan, and I will go to Konoha. No debating this fact or I will rip out you intestines and shove them down your throat with a cup of your own blood to help it down. Understand?"

Slowly, everyone nodded.

"Good, now try not to make more enemies during your negotiations."

Rule number Sixty-One: Remember, _a lot_ of people hate the Akatsuki, so when dealing with negotiations send them to the people who hate them the least.

"Shouldn't we kidnap some Wargonians as proof?" asked Kakuzu suddenly. "Suna, Konoha, and Hebi won't believe us unless we have solid evidence that the Wargonian threat does exist."

Leader considered this. "Good point. Alright, before you all set out, Itachi, Kate, Kakuzu, Tobi, and Kisame – go fetch me three living Wargonians."

Hannah groaned. "Again! Kate gets to have all the fun."

I patted her on the shoulder and ordered us two bottles of sake (ignore the glares I am receiving from Leader). "And after she gets the bodies, you get to go see Mini-Hottie! Lucky bitch! We don't have work tomorrow so we can get as drunk as skunks and no one will care."

"But I don't want to get drunk as a skunk," Hannah muttered.

However, despite her words, when the waitress came with our drinks, Hannah took her gladly and drunk it all in a matter of minutes. I laughed and ordered more.

Kisame, Kate, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi left in the direction of the hideout almost immediately while Leader and Konan retired to their rooms to get some "sleep". Only Hidan, Deidara, Zetsu, Hannah, and I remained behind to drink.

"We have had a drunken party in awhile…" said Deidara, taking a long draught of sake. "That hits the spot…"

"I miss our drunken frenzies," I cried. "Remember the time Hannah and Zetsu got married?"

Everyone except Zetsu and Hannah started laughing.

"Remember the time," Hannah asked. "That Dessie tried to rape Itachi? Or when Itachi used her as a meat shield? Or when Leader tried to rape Dessie? Ah… those were the good old days…"

I glared.

"Didn't Tobi think he was a private investigator once?" asked Hidan.

Hannah nodded. 'And Kate was his partner Elizabeth. That was back when Kate had a crush on Tobi."

"The creation of the Love Guru," I said with a laugh. "Kisame makes a crappy Love Guru."

Hidan nodded in agreement.

"He had one successful love though," said Hannah. "His own."

I look a long sip of sake and then leaned back in my seat. "Kate's got a boyfriend… what a bitch. Who would have thought… Hey! I'm out of sake! Get me some more assholes!"

The waitress returned with more and the guys and I helped ourselves to it. Hannah remained sober.

"What are you?" I asked. "My designated driver?"

"You're going to need a designated walker if you don't stop drinking," Hannah muttered.

"We want some cheese…" Zetsu said to no one in particular. "Does yous have some cheese?"

"No Zetsu," said Hidan. "We do not have any shitty cheese."

"We don't want shitty cheese. We want good cheese. Does yous have any good cheese?" Zetsu was looking in the complete opposite direction of Hidan and I had the sneaking suspicion that he was talking to the window beside him.

"Zetsu sure gets drunk easily," said Deidara, taking another drink of sake.

"You're one to talk, lightweight," I said, laughing. "You and Hidan are always the first one drunk at parties."

"Actually, Dessie," Hannah said. "That's you. You get drunk first, then Hidan and Deidara, then Konan, Zetsu, and Tobi. Then Kisame and Leader. And then Kakuzu."

"What about Itachi?" asked Deidara.

"Itachi doesn't drink. It would ruin his cool image."

"Itachi? Cool?" asked Hidan incredulously. "Where did this come from?"

"Don't talk about the Original Hottie like that!" I cried, hitting Hidan over the shoulder. "Original Hottie is too cool to get drunk and act like a fool – isn't he so amazing? I could just cut him up into little pieces and then eat him in little flavorful bites for the rest of my life – om-nom-nom-nom-nom!"

"She's drunk," said Deidara.

"Maybe not," Hannah said. "Dessie acts like that on a regular basis."

"And that's a scary thought…"

"Where's our cheese!" Zetsu's slammed his fist on the table. "We want our cheese! Who do we have to eat around here to get a bite of cheese!"

Deidara whacked Zetsu over the back of the head and Zetsu's eyes rolled up so that we could see the whites. Then, Zetsu collapsed, slumping back in his chair, and Deidara prodded him hesitantly to make sure that Zetsu was unconscious.

"Be careful," Hannah said. "Or he'll bite your fingers off."

"He needs a sign around his neck that says: do not feet the vicious man-eating plant," I added, cheerfully having another drink of sake. "Ah, Zetsu. All criminal organizations need cannibalistic Venus flytraps – it makes things livelier, don't you think?"

"Dessie…" said Hannah slowly. "Don't be mean to Zetsu."

"Why? You rejected him, didn't you? You have absolutely no right to tell me what I can and can't do regarding Zetsu. If we suddenly decided to get hitched, Hannah, you can't tell us not to." I giggled delightedly. "Hey! We can have a harem – you think Kate will want to join?"

"No harems!" cried Hidan, sloshing his drink as he waved his arms about wildly.

"That's right," I said, my words slurring a little. "Hidan only likes harems when he's a part of them."

"And I thought you only liked Hottie harems," added Deidara.

"I do." I turned to Hannah and patted her on the back. "I guess you and Zetsu will have to create a harem on your own. I have my Hotties to attend to."

"Question," said Deidara, thrusting a fist into the air and waving it about wildly in an attempt to capture my attention. "Why am I not a part of this Hottie harem? I am a much a Hottie as that bitch Sasuke!"

I considered this for a moment and the laughed. "Do you want to be an honorary Hottie? You can be the Bang-Bang-Hottie!" I collapsed in a fit of giggles. "I like it! Bang-Bang-Hottie! Welcome to my harem!"

"You're all freaks…" muttered Hannah.

"What about me?" asked Hidan between chugs of sake. "Do I get to join your harem?"

I stared at Hidan for all of one-point-five seconds, before saying, "No."

"Why not?"

"Because–" I began but I was interrupted oh-so-rudely by Hannah.

"Because she's never really liked a guy before, so Dessie doesn't know how to refer to the guy she likes as a Hottie."

Silence.

Slowly, I turned to stare at Hannah. She was glaring at me, clearly irritated for some reason or another – but not nearly as irritated as I was. I could feel the eyes of Deidara and Hidan on me, both of them waiting to see what my response would be (drunken or not, the result was sure to be violent).

"I–"

"DID I NOT TELL YOU – ALL OF YOU – THAT GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT IS FORBIDDEN!"

"Uh-oh…"

Leader stormed through the bar with murderous intent blazing through his eyes. Konan trailed after him, knowing that our doom was approaching and rather satisfied with that fact. I leapt to the other side of the table and cowered behind Hidan (a pure coincidence, I assure you) while Deidara shrieked and tried to flee the bar as fast as he possibly could. Of course, Leader caught him.

"I'm innocent," said Hannah, getting up from her seat. "I had not a single drop of sake."

"Shut up, bitch!" said Hidan and then he dumped an entire bottle of sake on Hannah's head.

I cackled with laughter. "If he had more ingenious moment like that I might be attracted to him! You're sakeified, Hannah!"

"I'm _what_!"

"What is this about Dessie being attracted to Hidan?" asked Konan. "Did they sleep together?"

"What – no!" I rounded on Hannah, cracking my knuckles threateningly. "Hannah – what have you been telling people? Do I need to send the undertaker _another _body?"

"Deidara."

"Eh?"

Hannah stared at me, all cool and collected like, and said, "It was Deidara spreading rumors about you and Hidan. You know Deidara – he loves perverted stuff. And gossip op right up his alley – just look at that hair!"

I glanced sidelong at Deidara, who look scandalized, and then I nodded. "You're right. Deidara's hair is very preppy. I wouldn't be surprised if he was a gossip-hungry two-faced duck-billed platypus."

Hidan groaned and rubbed the side of his head. "This is worse than the humu-whacka-whaka-a-poo-a-ah…"

"Humuhumunukunukuapua'a?" I asked.

"Yeah, that thing."


	62. Love Guru Conspiracy

**_Summary of Events: _**Kate, Itachi, Tobi, Kisame, and Kakuzu are heading back to the hideout to kidnap three Wargonians to use as proof when trying to convince Team, Hebi, Konoha, and Suna to become their allies in the war.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Two: Love Guru Conspiracy <strong>

**_Rule Number Sixty-Two: Never forget that Tobi is Madara. _**

**Kate**

I pushed one to the tree branches out of my face and squinted down at the swarms of Wargonian soldiers surrounding our beloved Akatsuki hideout. What had originally been three Wargonians had swelled to thirty and now – after a day or so of our absence – the numbers had grown to somewhere in the hundreds, and even now the Wargonians kept coming.

"They're an ugly bunch, aren't they," said Kakuzu.

"Hn."

"You're one to talk…" muttered Kisame. "Though, your skin color is slightly more appeasing to the eye than gray."

Kakuzu snorted. "And blue is just that much better."

"I will have you know, my dear doctor, that blue is a highly attractive skin color – just ask my darling Katie here." Kisame patted me on the back, carefully not to knock me right out of my perch in the tree.

"Um… I think you're really, really…" I smiled sweetly at Kisame and then turned a brilliant shade of red as I realized that Tobi and Kakuzu were staring at me. "I like blue…"

Kisame grinned broadly while Kakuzu mimed vomiting behind Kisame's back. Even is Kisame didn't see it, everyone else did. Tobi, however, came to my rescue. He flung his arms around Kakuzu's shoulders and cried, "They're so cute! Kate and Kisame – couple of the year! Tobi wants to hugs them!"

"Then hug them and not me," snapped Kakuzu, trying to wrestle Tobi off of him.

"Hn."

"Itachi says we all need to shut up and listen. He has a plan for how to kidnap the Wargonian soldiers," translated Kisame.

I glanced over at Itachi, who was standing on top of a thick tree branch gazing out at the troops of Wargonian soldiers. He didn't seem to disagree with Kisame's translation, so I assume that Itachi did, in fact, have a plan.

"What is it Oh-Silent-One?" asked Kisame.

"Hn."

"What?" asked Kisame. "I didn't catch that?"

"Hn."

"Oh. He wants Tobi to run about on the ground like a crazy person and lure some soldiers away from the army. Then, Itachi will capture on with his Sharingan, Kakuzu, will capture one with his creepy tentacle thingy, and I'll capture on with my badass water techniques."

"Sounds like fun," said Kakuzu with a shrug. "Let's do it."

"Why does Tobi always have to be the bait?"

I glanced nervously around and asked, "What do I do?"

"Hn."

Kisame ignored Itachi's 'hn' and patted me comfortingly on the shoulder. "You just sit here and look pretty."

"Oh…" I watched miserably as Tobi, Kakuzu, and Itachi hopped down from the tree, their movements as light as a sparrow. Kisame remained behind for a moment, just to he could offer me a few comforting words. I smiled at my boyfriend, glad that there was someone here who cared if I lived or died.

"Why am I here?" I asked softly. "I'm sort of useless."

"For comic relief," said Kisame, cheerfully wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

[We all know she's here for narration purposes only – Leader-sama is in cahoots with the author mwahahahahaha]

"Kisame…"

"I got to go, baby," said Kisame, wiggling his eyebrows in that suggestive manner that belonged only to him. "When I return you want to find a bush and–?"

"Kisame."

He sighed heavily and kissed my forehead before hopping down from the tree, but not before he added, "Why does my girlfriend have to be such a prude?" Laughing loudly, he saluted me from the ground and raced after his fellow Akatsuki.

If I was Dessie, I probably would have slapped him. Then again, if I was Dessie, I probably would never have been called a prude in the first place. Sighing, I slumped back against the thick trunk of the tree, the bark pressing roughly again my back. Through the gaps in the tree leaves, I could see the Wargonian army, slowly growing bigger as more and more soldiers arrived.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

I leaned forward in the tree and saw a flash of orange as a masked figure appeared in the distance. The Wargonians caught sight of him and immediately a dozen or so soldiers started forward, chasing after the shrieking Tobi.

I fidgeted and watched the scene anxiously. Tobi led the Wargonians deep into the forest. I lost sight of them amongst the trees, but even without seeing, I knew exactly what was going on. Somewhere in that tangled mess of trees and plants the Wargonians were being attacked by the Akatsuki. I almost felt pity for the Wargonians.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

My head jerked up and I stared, horrified, at the face in front of me.

"Tobi! What are you doing here?" I asked. "Aren't you supposed to be helping the others?"

"Kisame told Tobi to warn Kate."

"Warn me what?"

"If Kate sees a Wargonian – she should run like all of hell is after her."

"Tobi…"

"Tobi delivered Kisame's message. Tobi is a good boy." And with that Tobish statement, Tobi disappeared and I was left alone sitting on a tree branch almost fifty feet above solid ground.

"Well…" I muttered. "If I Wargonian does show up here it's not like I can run anyways…"

A long silence stretched through the forest. The Akatsuki could not afford noisy kidnappings which would bring the entire force of the Wargonian army down upon them. So there was no way of me knowing how the battles were going. Maybe Itachi or Kakuzu was dead. Maybe Tobi was laying in some forgotten part of the forest, his head decapitated from the rest of his body. Maybe Kisame was speared to a tree, blood pouring our of his stomach –

Bad Kate!

I slapped myself in the side of the head. Thinking about such negative outcomes was very bad. I was the optimistic one! Hannah and Dessie were realists, I was an optimist. I could not allow myself to imagine dead bodies. We would all return with Wargonian captives and then we would depart back to the rest of the Akatsuki, convince Konoha, Suna, and Team Hebi to join our cause, then we would rage a war against the Wargonians, and after we won, the Akatsuki would ride off into the sunset to continue our lives of crime and debauchery and all that good stuff.

"Yep. Be optimistic, Kate," I told myself.

"Yes… be _very_ optimistic."

My heart froze. I swear, I was like a little Kate Popsicle as I sat on the thick tree branch and listened to the heavy voice that whispered in my ear. Slowly, I turned to look over my shoulder. My blue eyes met red ones and I found myself staring at the gray, withered face of a Wargonian man.

Needless to say, I screamed.

"There's no where to run…" said the Wargonian pleasantly.

I shivered and scooted backwards. The branch trembled violently beneath me. "I-I-I…"

"What's your name?"

"K-K-Kate…"

The Wargonian snorted. "Ugly name. I'm Kuchacha."

I probably would have laughed at the pure ridiculousness of his name if I had not been so terrified out of my wits. I could only gawp at Kuchacha like a guppy out of water. Finally, after much stammering and choking, I managed to say, "I have very scary friends…"

Kuchacha smiled pleasantly. "I have met your friends, and they aren't so scary."

"They're very scary," I promised him. "You haven't seen them at their scariest."

"I worship Warg, the god of war and all things violent, I fear nothing scary. After all, there is nothing more terrifying than my god."

"He s-s-sounds like the type of god Dessie would worship…" I muttered.

"Who is this…Dessie?"

"My friend… she worships Warg."

Kuchacha nodded approvingly. "Warg is the almighty god. He supports the killing of all things not Wargonian. So, there should be no problems with me killing you." And with that, Kuchacha leapt across the tree branch, a knife appearing in his hands as he aimed for my exposed throat.

"Eep!"

Silence.

A second passed. And then two. For some reason beyond my comprehension, I was still alive.

Slowly, I opened my eyes.

Itachi Uchiha, the heartless king of 'hn', was kneeling before me, a kunai clutched in his hand as he blocked Kuchacha's attack.

I stared. As far as I could remember Itachi had never been the life saving type. "Er… thanks… I guess…"

He never replied, because at that moment, Kuchacha jerked his knife away and hopped backwards until he landed on a different branch of a tree a couple meters away from us. I shifted closer to Itachi, afraid that if I was left in the open, Kuchacha might take off my head or some other vitally important part of my body that I would prefer not to be separated from.

"You!" cried Kuchacha, pointing wildly at Itachi. "That face… those eyes… I feel great loathing towards you!"

"Hn."

"No creature who is not of Wargonian decent should be so divine in appearance! Fiends of good-looks should die at the hands of the mighty Warg!"

"Hn."

I glanced from Kuchacha, who was still glaring, to Itachi, who looked incredibly disinterested. Finally, I turned to Kuchacha and let out a very Dessie-like statement, "Are you gay?"

Kuchacha turned a vivid shade of maroon and cried, "Absolutely not! I am attracted to members of the sex opposite to mine! I am simply of loathing towards better looking men since they accumulate masses of fangirls whereas I remain a minor character who will probably disappear after this chapter!"

"Hn."

"Oh… I'm sorry…" I said. "Maybe if you plead to the author and readers, they might bring you back – you know… for a sequel chapter."

"Hn."

"Itachi says – hell, no! A douche bag like that needs to go down the drain and stay there with all the shit! And I don't mean stuff-shit – I mean shit-shit!"

A grin spread across my face as I turned around and saw Kisame – in all his blue-haired, shark-like, sword-waving madness – standing behind me, glowering at Kuchacha as if the Wargonian were something unpleasant on the bottom Kisame's shoe.

"Who are you?" asked Kuchacha.

Kisame glared. "Your worst nightmare."

Kuchacha scowled. "How many times do I have to say that I am a Wargonian who worships Warg. You're threats do not frighten me–"

Itachi punched him in the face.

For a moment, Kuchacha teetered in place and then toppled from his place in the tree. Itachi leapt down and caught Kuchacha before the Wargonian could land on the ground and escape. Itachi return to the branch beside me, holding Kuchacha tightly. Within seconds he had Kuchacha bound and gagged, completely unable to move.

"Hey!" cried Kisame, hopping over to my branch and scowling at Itachi. "I was going to get him!"

"Hn."

"Don't you 'hn' me, Itachi! I know exactly what all your 'hn's mean! And let me tell you – hn hnhn hn hnnnnnnnnnn!"

"Hn."

There was the sound of rustling leaves and the three of us whipped around to see if it was yet another Wargonian preparing to attack us. Luckily enough, it wasn't, and we found ourselves facing Kakuzu. Of course, Kakuzu wasn't in his usual form where his body was stitched together. His skin had come to pieces and masses of black tentacles wiggled out from his body, squirming as they held the body of a Wargonian soldier high above his head.

"What's all the arguing about?" asked Kakuzu, his voice morphed as tentacles flowed from his mouth.

"Itachi took my prey," snapped Kisame.

"Hn."

"Well…" I stammered. "Technically Itachi was here first…"

"Kate!" cried Kisame, turning to me in horror. "Aren't you meant to be my loyal girlfriend and support me the whole way? Why are you betraying me? Don't tell me you're like Dessie and you think Itachi is the Original Hottie!"

I shook my head mutely.

"Well," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "Didn't Kate like Itachi somewhere a long ways back…? And then the _Love Guru_ ruined the whole thing for her." Kakuzu smirked in the direction of said Love Guru. "Maybe this is all just a gigantic Kisame conspiracy where he ruins all of Kate's chances at love so that he can have her all for himself…"

"Nonsense!" cried Kisame, folding his arms and scowling. "Don't butt your head in where it doesn't belong, ugly-ass. The Love Guru is pure and innocent! His only intentions are to help those who struggle with love to confess their feelings and live a happy-love-love life! Do _not_ accuse the Love Guru of conspiracy plotting–"

"Kakuzu… Why is your captive dead?"

Mid-conversation, Kisame, Kakuzu, and I turned to stare at Itachi in confusion. Itachi was regarding the Wargonian caught in Kakuzu's tentacles carefully. Sure enough, upon further inspection, we realized that the Wargonian was dead.

"Leader is going to kill you!" cried Kisame delightedly. "He wanted three captives alive! Right now we only have one."

"That Itachi caught," said Kakuzu darkly. His black tentacles tossed the dead body away and slowly they retreated back into Kakuzu's skin. Soon, Kakuzu's stitched himself back together and he looked like the usual Kakuzu again (much to my eyes' relief).

"I would have caught the Wargonian if Itachi hadn't stolen my kill!" cried Kisame angrily.

Still curled up on the tree branch, I inched towards Kisame and reached out a shaky hand with which to pat his leg gently. Kisame look down at me and his expression softened. I smiled up at him. "Don't worry. You'll get a Wargonian of your own."

Kakuzu mimed vomiting.

"And you weren't like this with Ms. Wendy!" snapped Kisame.

"Ms. Wendy – alas – did not bear strong emotions towards me!" cried Kakuzu. "Besides, there were none of these icky feelings of love between Ms. Wendy andI.I wanted her money and she didn't want me to steal it. Smart woman." Kakuzu nodded approvingly.

"The Love Guru is mortified by your heartlessness," said Kisame.

"One day," I said softly. "You're going to fall in love and the Love Guru and his intentions won't seem so stupid to you then."

"Hn."

I couldn't tell if Itachi was laughing at us or agreeing with us. I hope it was a little bit of both. But then, Itachi's next words brought us all back to reality and our Love Guru Conspiracy argument was brought on hold.

"We still need three living Wargonians," said Itachi.

All four of us turned to stare at the bound and gagged Kuchacha. He looked to pathetic with watery red eyes and a purple face from lack of air. I felt a wave of pity towards him, but then I remembered how he tried to kill me and the pity disappeared.

"Crap…" groaned Kisame. "I don't want to go and fight those Wargonians again."

"Are they that difficult?" I asked.

All three Akatsuki nodded. "Yes."

"One on his own has about the same strength as a jounin ninja," explained Kakuzu. "Now make an entire army of them – yes, they are that difficult."

"So what are we going to do?" I asked.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

Slowly, with eyes wide, we all turned to see Tobi standing on a branch above ours. His orange mask glowed vibrantly in the sunlight and over each shoulder he had the body of an unconscious Wargonian man.

"Tobi…" asked Kisame incredulously. "Where did you get those two Wargonians?"

"Tobi captured them just like Leader instructed Tobi to do!"

Kakuzu slapped his forehead. "Yeah, yeah… Tobi is a good boy…"

Rule Number Sixty-Two: Never forget that Tobi is Madara and therefore capable of great things when least expected – though, I have to admit, Tobi-Madara is quite useful on occasion.

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><p><strong>AN: For those of you who are having trouble with humuhumunukunukuapua'a: it is pronounced humu-humu-nuku-nuku-a-pua-a. it's the Hawaiian state fish. I went to Hawaii and bought a shirt that had humuhumunukunukuapua'a written across the front. haha**

**Please don't kill me for taking awhile to update. I have no excuse. But, I hope you enjoyed the chapter - AND EVERYONE PLEASE REVIEW!** **I WILL GO DOWN ON HANDS AND KNEES IF YOU ASK ME TO, SO PLEASE REVIEW!**


	63. A Chat with Hebi

**_Summary of Events: _**After kidnapping three Wargnians, the Akatsuki have divided up into team in order to convince Team Hebi, Konoha, and Suna to join in an alliance with in Akatsuki against the Wargonian threat. Hannah, Deidara, Kakuzu, and Tobi confront Team Hebi.

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Three: A Chat with Hebi <strong>

**_Rule Number Sixty-Three: Don't provoke Juugo._**

**Hannah**

"Now, Kakuzu," I said slowly and clearly so that he could not miss a single word. "Remember not to kill the Wargonian captive this time."

"I know, I know – it was an easy mistake to make." Kakuzu's black tentacle that rose from his back shifted the Wargonian into a more comfortable position. Then, Kakuzu turned his attention back to me and said, "Leader already threatened to rip me to shreds if I killed the Wargonian again – and you know how scary-as-shit Leader's threats are."

I shuddered. "Extremely scary."

Kakuzu had not dismantled his entire body in order to let his black tentacle carry the Wargonian body. According to Kate, the image of Kakuzu in full-on monster form was as frightening as hell. As we travelled through the forest in the direction of Team Hebi, I was repeatedly glad that only Kakuzu's back was been opened to release the nightmarish tentacles and that his face was still intact.

"I'm bored!" groaned Deidara. "Are we there yet?"

"No, Deidara,: I said through gritted teeth. "We are _not_ there yet. If you ask one more time I will unleash Tobi on you."

Tobi giggled delightedly at my use of his name and tried – yet again – to place his flower crown on my head. I swatted away the flower crown and Tobi picked it up and began trying to repair it again.

"What if Hebi doesn't even want to talk to us, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Then we'll just make them talk to us," muttered Kakuzu.

"I did not come all this way with a complaining Deidara, a deformed Kakuzu, and a hyperactive Tobi to get turned away by Team Hebi," I said grimly. "Don't mess with me."

"Bitchy Hannah is back in action," said Kakuzu cheerfully. "Maybe she's PMSing."

"I didn't even think you knew what that meant," I muttered.

"Of course we do," scoffed Deidara. He laughed. "The joys of whore houses."

"Tobi doesn't know what PMSing means."

"Good, "I said. "Let's keep it that way."

"We haven't brought the girls to a brothel any time recently," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "The Akatsuki is probably running low on money… We should probably do something about that…"

"May I point out that we're in the middle of a bigger crisis than just a financial one," I said. "And yes, Wargonians invading our beloved hideout is considered a crisis."

There was a pause, as we all mourned the loss of our home. Then, suddenly, out of the blue Deidara asked, "Where the hell is Team Hebi? They said – when we contacted them to organize this shitty meetings – that we would meet in this forest! So where are they!"

"Calm down…" I said dully. "Yelling and screaming like a five-year-old brat won't get us anywhere."

"At least one of you has some sense."

I glanced up and saw black duck-ass hair. In my life, I have only ever met Sasuke once. And it had been before the formation of Team Hebi when Dessie was being kidnapped by Orochimaru. If I remember correctly, Deidara blew Sasuke and Kabuto from here to the other side of the Fence. Heh, heh… This is probably not the best reunion time…

"Hey, Sasuke," said Kakuzu, completely calm despite the appearance of an extremely powerful adversary. "Long time no see."

Sasuke nodded grimly. "The Stalker-Bitch isn't with you?"

"Nah. She's going to Konoha. We figure it's time they got their share of the Dessie-horror, uhn," said Deidara. "Instead you get to see the wondrously sensible and calm Hannah."

"Great…" I muttered.

Sasuke squinted at the four of us (plus the unconscious Wargonian) and, after some deep deliberations, he decided that since Dessie was not in the vicinity and it was alright to bring the rest of us to Team Hebi's camp.

Without a word, he turned and led us through the maze of trees towards camp. The trees reached out their scraggy arms and tried to gash open my skin, but I swatted them away irritably and kept my focus on following Sasuke. Soon, we found ourselves stumbling into a clearing where the three other Hebi members lay in wait. The first one I saw was the hulking Juugo (if Dessie's descriptions were accurate). He had the sort of big-brother look with a solid face and messy-orange hair. His smile was nice, however, and I was willing to forgive his gigantic figure. Of course, when a sparrow cam to rest on his shoulder and he fed it with his hands, I was sure if I should be impressed of repulsed (badass criminals should _not_ feed the birds). Juugo was also missing an arm from the time Zetsu apparently bit it off and ate it. I wonder if Juugo still holds grudge…

"Dessie isn't with them?" asked Suigetsu. He sounded almost disappointed.

"That bitch," said Karin, though she seemed a little regretful too. "She can't try and steal my Sasuke now!"

"You're just jealous because she's kissed Sasuke more times than you," said Suigetsu. "Which isn't hard to do since you've never kissed Sasuke."

"Shut up, asshole!"

Suigetsu was, as Dessie called him, a Snow-Hottie. He had short, straight snow-white hair with glowing purple eyes that stood out vividly in my mind. With pointed white teeth and a nice build, I could see, perfectly, Dessie's attraction to him. Like Kisame, Suigetsu had a gigantic sword strapped to his back, though Suigetsu's looked more like an over-grown butcher's knife than a sword.

Karin was exactly the whorish bitch Dessie had described. Long pink hair and a whore's outfit, she belonged in a brothel far more than Kate, Dessie, or I. Looking at Karin, I could see exactly how she and Dessie could get along so well.

"So what do they want to talk about?" asked Juugo.

Sasuke stepped past Suigetsu and took as seat beside Juugo (the most reasonable looking for the four team members). When he was settled, Sasuke gazed up at the Akatsuki in front of him and said, "I don't know. They're about to tell us."

"Great…" I muttered. "No pressure at all."

"You're Dessie's friend, huh?" said Karin darkly.

I nodded, and decided not to say anything to her.

"Tell Dessie to keep her paws off my Sasuke – you hear me, bitch?" Karin looked murderous.

I chose to ignore her and kept my eyes pinned on Sasuke instead. Deidara, however, stepped between Karin and me and said, in deadly tones, "What do you think you're talking about, whore?"

"Are you defending that Crazy Stalker Bitch?" asked Karin angrily.

"About Dessie getting her paws all over Sasuke," said Deidara. "Dessie has higher standards than that. She's got a thing for Hidan – and don't drag Hannah into your and Dessie's catfight, uhn."

"Hidan?" asked Juugo.

"Isn't Hidan the loudmouthed immortal guy who swore a lot?" asked Suigetsu.

"Er, yeah, that's him…" I said slowly.

Karin snorted. "His IQ fits that of Dessie."

"Unfortunately I have to argue with that because Dessie is quite intelligent…" I sighed heavily and added in monotone, "Dessie's not even here – why do we have to talk about her? I get one moment of freedom from her and what do we do? Talk about Dessie…"

Juugo nodded in agreement. "I want to know why the Akatsuki is here."

Tobi clapped him hands excitedly and cried, "Tobi captured the Wargonian man for this purpose! Tobi wants to show Team Hebi is captive!"

Complying with Tobi's orders, Kakuzu slowly lowered the unconscious Wargonian man to the ground. The Wargonian lay there quietly and Kakuzu's black tentacles submerged back into Kakuzu's body until he was back to normal. Team Hebi stared at the Wargonian in shock. Then, slowly, Sasuke raised his head until his eyes met Kakuzu's and he said, "Explain."

And so we did. We explained about the orbs and about how Dessie, Kate, and I had come from Earth. And, after various trips through the glowing blue orbs – and blowing up the orb on Earth – Kisame, Hidan, and Dessie had somehow ended up in Wargonia.

"Wait a second! Wait a second!" said Suigetsu, raising a hand to stop Kakuzu mid-story.

"Yeah?"

"Dessie made-up a god – Warg – to spite Hidan and that god turned out to be real?"

"Yeah."

Suigetsu laughed. "That's pretty badass."

"Can I get on with the story?" asked Kakuzu irritably. He finished explaining about Kisame's kidnapping and the threats of Urkakuk the Head Priest of Warg. Then, the Wargonians invaded the Akatsuki hideout and are planning to take over the Fence (we had to explain the name 'the Fence' to Team Hebi as well). And when Kakuzu was finished explaining, Team Hebi could only gawp at us in horror.

"He's lying," declared Karin.

"Tobi didn't capture the Wargonian soldiers for nothing."

Karin glanced sidelong at the unconscious gray-skinned man. There was no denying the unmistakable presence of the foreigner.

Tobi stepped towards the unconscious Wargonian and, with a couple of hand signs, the Wargonian's eyes flew open and he leapt to his feet, looking around wildly. Karin jumped at little, and waddled away while Sasuke gazed upon the Wargonian with the upmost fascination.

"Sit down," commanded Kakuzu.

The Wargonian rounded on Kakuzu, his red eyes flashing dangerously. "I will kill you. Warg will punish you. You will die, screaming in agony."

Kakuzu smiled and stepped forward, no doubt about to show the Wargonian what screaming in agony really meant, but I beat Kakuzu to it. I stood in front of the Wargonian, my hands on my hips, and said, "You and your puny god Warg mean nothing to me."

The Wargonian laughed. "What do you know about the might of Warg?"

"A lot more than you can imagine." I tipped my head to the side. "What's your name?"

"You can't make me tell you."

I smiled.

One moment I was standing, smiling at the Wargonian, and the next I was standing on tiptoe, inched away from him, whispering in his ear. I made sure to speak in low tones so that neither Team Hebi nor the Akatsuki could hear me. Then, when I had finished, I stepped away from the Wargonian to see what effect my words had upon him.

…Let's just say they worked.

His face turned a pale shade and his hands started to tremble. The Wargonian stared at me in horror and, with a quivering voice, he said, "My n-n-name is Arnun."

I smiled kindly. "Nice to meet you, Arnun. I am Hannah."

"I'll tell you anything!" wailed Arnun, falling to his knees in desperation. "Anything you want to know about the Wargonians! Our source of power! Our fighting techniques! Our god! Our goals! Our motives! Anything and everything! Just please! Please! Please keep her away from me!"

…

Slowly, Team Hebi turned to stare at me.

"Where did you find _her_?" asked Sasuke incredulously.

I shrugged. "It's a natural born talent."

Kakuzu, however, did not feel like bragging about my ability to scare the shit out of random strangers. Instead, he leant over Arnun and asked, "Your source of power?"

Arnun glanced at me and whimpered. "Upon our creation Warg gave the Wargonians a light, which, when lit, gives the Wargonians endless power and strength. Then the Wargonians are undefeatable."

"Where is this light?"

"On top of the temple… it glows red during usually and when it's lit, it glows black."

"Didn't Dessie mention that…?" I said softly. "One moment the Wargonians were beatable and then the light changed to black and they grew stronger…"

Slowly, Kakuzu nodded. Then, he turned back to Arnun. "Is there any way to destroy this light?"

Arnun shrugged and then shrieked at the sight of me. "I don't know! I don't know! High powered explosives maybe! Normal weapons can't destroy it! But bombs – I don't know! Wargonians don't use bombs! We use glaives and knives!"

"Glaives?" asked Suigetsu.

"Long sticks with knives at the end," I explained. "A type of weapon."

"Oh…"

For a moment, we all the stared at Arnun. Then, Sasuke rose to his feet and turned to Kakuzu.

"While your story seems likely to be true, I cannot take the risk that this is all just a ploy to destroy Team Hebi. I would like to send one of my members to make sure that the Akatsuki's story is true. If he sees for his own eyes the Wargonians, Team Hebi will join forces with the Akatsuki – and whoever else is willing to join the cause. However–" Sasuke glared at us all warningly. "–If you are lying. Team Hebi will not hesitate to take you out one-by-one."

"Yeah, yeah…" Deidara said, waving away Sasuke threats. "You say that to Itachi every time you meet him – and, if I may point out, Itachi is still alive."

"Deidara…" I said warningly.

"We would like a promise," said Kakuzu, ignoring Sasuke's spitting rage as he contemplated murdering Deidara on the spot.

"What kind of promise?" asked Sasuke darkly.

"If you join us in our war against the Wargonians – don't kill Itachi. At least not while we're fighting. Once all the Wargonians are gone and the threat entirely eliminated you can get back to hating Itachi and plotting to kill him same as always – but while we are on the same side, I expect Itachi to be alive at all times."

Sasuke scowled. Undoubtedly he planned to join our war with the intentions of killing Itachi first chance he got and making it look like an accident.

Sasuke gritted his teeth. "I promise."

There was a flash of orange light.

A pause.

"What did you just do!" cried Sasuke, rounding on Kakuzu. "What did you do, you son-of-a-bitch traitorous Akatsuki!"

"Don't look at me," said Kakuzu. "Tobi did it."

Sasuke rounded on Tobi, his eyes practically spitting rage. "What did you do!"

"Tobi just made sure that Sasuke couldn't kill any of the Akatsuki during the war," said Tobi cheerfully. "If Sasuke breaks his promise than he will die. Very, very, very painfully." Tobi giggled. "Itachi-senpai, Leader-sama, and Tobi made up the jutsu together."

Sasuke looked livid and, to be honest, I didn't blame him. However, it is always funny to watch people be outsmarted by Tobi of all people and my amusement overwhelmed my sympathy, so instead, I just laughed.

"Well," said Kakuzu, gathering up Arnun in his black tentacles again. "We'd best be off. You're welcome to see the army of Wargonians for yourself – the hideout is in theRainVillage."

Tobi used some unknown jutsu to put the Wargonian back to sleep. Then, Deidara, Kakuzu, Tobi, and I turned out backs on Team Hebi and made our way back through the forest, trying to hide the fact that all four of us were shaking with laughter as we replayed the image of Sasuke's outrage over and over again.

We had almost left Team Hebi behind when Kakuzu stopped, turned around, and called out, "Hey, Juugo! How's your arm doing! Zetsu apologizes for losing it!"

Rule Number Sixty-Three: Don't provoke Juugo. After Kakuzu's comment, Juugo went into monster form and chased the four of us all the way out of the forest. Needless to say, Sasuke was not inclined to help us at all.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm sorry it took so long to update... more internet issues... again... computers hate me... The worst part is, I took it in to be fixed at my school - and it took them two seconds, Gawd, I feel like an idiot. hahah. ****Please review. I like getting lots of reviews. It makes me feel loved and inspires me to write - and the more I write, the faster you get updates (provided that the internet doesn't screw me over again)**


	64. Greetings to the Hokage

**_Summary of Events: _**After kidnapping three Wargnians, the Akatsuki have divided up into team in order to convince Team Hebi, Konoha, and Suna to join in an alliance with in Akatsuki against the Wargonian threat. Dessie, Leader, Konan, and Zetsu head to Konoha to talk with the Hokage.

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Four: Greetings to the Hokage <strong>

**_Rule Number Sixty-Four: Never argue bust size with Tsunade _**

**Dessie **

Unlike Hannah and Kate, I had never been to Konoha before. So, you can imagine my delight when I discovered the number of Hotties Konoha possesses! First off, there is the Mysterious Hottie (Kakashi) who greeted us at the gates of Konoha. He job was to lead Leader, Konan, Zetsu, and I through Konoha without us destroying everything in our path. Leader had sent messages ahead of us assuring that Hokage (and Sasuke and the Kazekage) of our non-violent intentions. However, for some unknown reason, the Hokage still didn't trust us and she sent Kakashi, Sai, Naruto, and Sakura to escort the Akatsuki safely through Konoha.

I had absolutely no issues with this. You see, Kakashi is the Mysterious Hottie who always wears a mask and is undeniably attractive. Sai is also a Hottie, not at the level of the Mini-Hottie, but hot in his own way. So, I have named Sai the Emotionless-Hottie. And then there is Naruto, with all his over cheerful yellowness, he is still quite attractive and shall hereby be known as Sunshine-Hottie. As you can see, I was quite pleased with our welcome to Konoha (Sakura was the only downside to our escort group).

As the Mysterious-Hottie led us through Konoha, the sighs only got better. I saw more sights to die for including Dog-Hottie, Ice-Hottie, and so on. Pineapple, Fatty, and Flat-Chested Whore were there too, but they were less happy to see me (something about me being involved in the death of Dark Hottie). Anyways, I have to say I quite liked it here in Konoha and could totally imagine myself moving here for a vacation home. Of course, when I mentioned my plan, Sakura was less than happy.

"Konoha would not accept a criminal like you living here."

"Criminal?" I asked disbelievingly. "Nah. At worst I'm just a fake whore."

"You are part of the Akatsuki and if you weren't here to have a _peaceful_ discussing with Lady Tsunade, I would have killed you already."

I snorted. "I'd like to see you try. One look at you and I can tell you're the type to scream and run away whenever anything looks remotely dangerous."

Sakura looked at me suspiciously. "How did you know?"

"It doesn't take a genius to figure out."

It's at time like this I needed Hannah, Deidara, Hidan, or some other smart-alack member of the Akatsuki to back me up. I felt a little deflated at I look around for support and saw only Leader, Konan, and Zetsu (not the most sociable members of the Akatsuki).

"I remember you," said Sai thoughtfully.

"Great…" I muttered walking beside Zetsu grumpily. "Another genius."

"Didn't Sakura nickname you 'bitch'?"

I almost laughed aloud – almost. That word would probably follow me around for the rest of my life. "What's it to you?"

"I think it's still an accurate nickname," said Sakura.

"Shut up."

"We don't think Dessie is a bitch," said Zetsu, his yellow eyes peering out between the cracks of his Venus flytrap body.

"Why thank you, Zetsu," I said with a smile. "Even though you're probably only doing this to get on Hannah's good-side, your compliments are much appreciated – and it shows up those smarmy shitheads." I shoved a finger in the direction of Sakura and Sai.

"You need to wash out your mouth with soap," said Naruto cheerfully.

I shot him a glowing smile (only the best for Sunshine-Hottie). "Ms. Wendy gave that up after the first try. A stream of cussing came out of my mouth the moment the soap got anywhere near me."

"That sort of defeats the purpose," said Kakashi (Mysterious-Hottie – I am drooling here).

"You're not thinking about kissing any more random strangers, are you?" asked Konan, noticing my expression.

"I can't," I said glumly. "Mysterious-Hottie wears a mask. Like Tobi."

"Tobi's not hot…" observed Leader.

I laughed aloud. "I beg to differ. Mada– Tobi is _gorgeous_ underneath all that orange."

"Mada?" asked Naruto curiously.

"Mada-Tobi," I said randomly. "It's what we call Tobi when he goes into badass mode. Which, knowing Tobi, isn't often."

I'm fairly certainly that Leader let out a snort of barely concealed laughter. He seemed to appreciate my efforts to not reveal Tobi as the evil criminal mastermind Madara and, I have to admit, I did a wonderful job of covering up my almost-mistake. Mwahahahaha – Tobi the Childish-Criminal transforms into Mada-Tobi and has come to save the day! Good-doers beware – the badass of evil is here!

I received several weird stares as I broke out into a random chorus of laughter.

"She's always like that," said Konan with a shrug.

"Is mentally ill a requirement to join the Akatsuki?" asked Naruto.

"You're just jealous that you can't join," I told him between fits of giggles.

"Yeah… yeah…" muttered Kakashi, his one visible eye staring at me coldly. "Naruto – don't even think of joining the Akatsuki."

"I'm not that stupid," said Naruto. "They have been trying to kill me."

"May I point out," said Leader stiffly. "That you are still alive and, if I had wanted to kill you, it would have been far too easy. We have more important things on our hands right now."

"Like what?" asked Sakura.

I flipped her off, while Leader said, "The only person I will speak to right now, is the Hokage."

"Good," said Kakashi. "Because we're here."

The group had arrived at the front door of theHokageTowerand Kakashi led the way inside. The moment we stepped on the tiled floor, every single gaze turned to us and I swear I saw every human being in the room shrink away in fear – we're just that badass. Kakashi, however, ignore the shinobis' reaction and continued leading the group upstairs to the Hokage's personal office.

Leader stopped the group outside and he turned to face Zetsu and me. "You and you," he said, pointing at the both of us. "Will wait out here. Konan and I will go inside and talk to the Hokage."

Zetsu looked quite relaxed even though he had just been told to heel like a dog rather than join in the negotiations. I, on the other hand, wailed at the top of my lungs, "I want to come!"

"Dessie."

"Yes, Leader?"

"Don't make me disembowel you."

One look in Leader's eyes and I knew he was serious. "No, Leader."

"Good." Leader turned to go with Konan following closely behind him.

"Oh wait!" I cried, rummaging into my backpack. I pulled out a small, slightly dirty scroll and handed it to Leader. "You forgot Kuchacha."

Leader nodded grimly. "Forgetting Kuchacha would be bad."

"Who's Kuchacha?" asked Sakura.

Everyone ignored her and I watched forlornly as Leader and Konan followed Kakashi into the Hokage's office. Sakura, Naruto, and Sai were left behind to make sure that Zetsu and I didn't destroy Konoha while the Hokage was preoccupied.

"So… Who is Kuchacha?" asked Naruto.

"A crazy, pain-in-the-ass Wargonian who tried to kill Kate and instead got his ass whipped by the Original Hottie," I replied cheerfully.

"Eh…?"

"The Hokage will explain after she is finished talking to the Akatsuki," said Sai. "We'll have to wait until then."

"Blah!" cried Naruto, crossing his arms and pouting like a spoilt child. "I want to know now. Why can't they let us sit in on the meeting? I promise to be quite."

I smiled adoringly at Naruto, well aware that Sakura was contemplating taking my head off. Sakura's ill intentions meant nothing to me. She isn't a Hottie nor is she Akatsuki; therefore, I don't give a damn about her.

"We're hungry," said Zetsu.

"That's nice, darling," I said, flicking a stand of black hair out of my eyes, only to have it fall right back into place. "Shitty hair. Sometimes I wish I could just chop it all off."

"Dessie…" groaned Zetsu. "I'm really hungry."

I rolled my eyes and turned to the three Konoha shinobi watching up. I scowled at Sakura and sent glowing smiles in the direction of the two boys before saying, "You heard the plant – get him some food."

"Do it yourself!" snapped Sakura.

I laughed. "It's your limbs on the line."

"What…?"

Without another word to the pinkette, I plopped down on the ground and, using the wall as a headrest, I went to sleep. I might have drifted off for a moment or two, but my precious sleep was ruined by the sound of Sakura screaming. There was no doubt in my mind about what had happened to her. Slowly, begrudgingly, I opened my eyes and observed the scene in front of me.

Zetsu, hunger-driven, was trying to take a bite out of Sakura's leg while Naruto and Sai tried to restrain Zetsu.

I watched in amusement for a while and then Sakura caught sight of my expression and screamed, "Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!"

Casually, I shrugged. "I'm not Hannah. I have no control of Zetsu. He said he was hungry – and did you listen? _No_. You brought this on yourself, Sakura_-chan_." I laughed aloud at the end (just to add the sexy, evil effect).

"She's crazy…" said Naruto, as he tried to pull Zetsu away from Sakura. "But not as crazy as this…_thing_."

"We objected to being called a thing," said Zetsu.

The instant that Zetsu paused to speak, Sakura wound back her fist and slugged poor Zetsu in the jaw. Immediately, Zetsu released her. Him and his captors were thrown across the room – they smacked against the wall and fell to the floor in a gigantic heap with Sakura and me watching.

"He made me bleed…"

"He was just hungry…" I said. "He didn't deserve that. It's no different than you eating pork."

"Are you comparing me to a pig!" asked Sakura.

"Why yes, yes I am."

Sakura never got a chance to retaliate, because, at that very moment, the door to the Hokage's office was thrown open and several people came streaming out, their eyes wide in alarm. Two of the people were Leader and Konan, their oddly colored hair and piercings standing out boldly amongst the straight-laced Konoha shinobi. Kakashi – my Hottie – was there and a woman with short black hair and a pig was standing beside him.

"What's going on here?"

A blond woman stepped from her office and approached us. Her eyes flash menacingly, but that was no was filled me with horror. No, one look could tell me that she had an _enormous_ chest.

"The plant tried to eat me," explained Sakura.

Naruto and Sai collected themselves from the ground and Zetsu scuttled over to me, muttering something about still being hungry and violent food.

"Zetsu," said Konan patiently. "Do we need to put you on a leash?"

Slowly, Zetsu shook his head. "No. We'll be good."

"You'd better be," said Leader irritably. "I have no issues with ripping apart your Venus flytrap and adding it to the vegetable salad. And then putting you on an all vegetable diet. And then you will be a _true_ cannibal."

Zetsu cringed. "We'll be good, Leader-sama."

None of this conversation had any effect on me. I was preoccupied with staring at Tsunade's huge knockers. Finally, after a lot of deliberating, I said, "Even though your chest is bigger, mine is more _sculpted_."

Silence.

"What?" Tsunade looked livid.

"Look at this," I said, pointing at my chest. "Nice and firm – and look to this," I pointed at Tsunade chest, "Big and baggy."

Silence.

One moment I was standing there having a Who-Has-The-Bigger-Chest Competition with Tsunade and the next she was standing behind me and putting me in a headlock.

"Hey!" I cried. "Not cool."

"I think it's very cool," said Leader. "So what about it, Hokage. Will you join forces with us or will you let us fight the Wargonians on our own?"

"We need more time to deliberate," said Tsunade, still gripping me in a headlock. "What if this is all a lie? You have been trying to kill us for the past few years."

Leader nodded once. "Fair enough. We gave you the location of the hideout where Wargonian troops are gathering via the blue orb. You can make sure for yourselves that our story is true. Then, I explained how to contact us."

"Yes." Tsunade nodded grimly. "We will."

"Good. Now…"

With that dreaded word, Leader slowly rounded on Zetsu and I, Knowing that my impending doom was near, Tsunade released me and left me to the mercy of Leader. Ha…ha…ha…

Rule Number Sixty-Four: Never have a Bust-Size Competition with Tsunade – it ends in pain and punishment.

We were walking away from Konoha, and despite the severe agony of Leader's punishment, we were in high spirits. After all, we had succeeded in our mission. It wasn't until we were outside of Konoha limits that I paused and turned to address Leader.

"You didn't tell the Hokage about the jutsu, did you?"

"The jutsu where – if she or any of her men kill an Akatsuki member, she dies?" asked Leader. "Or the one where if she refuses to join our cause, she dies?"

I smacked my forehead and sighed heavily. "Crazy as shit…"

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><p><strong>AN: Mwahahaha I love Dessie. She is very proud of her chest... Oh well. I spent the entire day writing and listening to music (Riot by Three Days Grace is amazing! I want it as my ringtone but life sucks like that haha). So, please review. If not, Tsunade will come and crush you all with her punch of doom! mwahahaha (I need to cool it on the evil laughter. **

**Oh! AND THANK YOU FOR 900 REVIEWS! I LOVE YOU ALL WHO HAVE EVER SUBMITTED REVIEW AND PLEASE KEEP IT UP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE STORY! YAY! IT'S THE LOVE SQUARE! (long story)**


	65. Negotiations with Suna

**_Summary of Events: _**After kidnapping three Wargnians, the Akatsuki have divided up into team in order to convince Team Hebi, Konoha, and Suna to join in an alliance with in Akatsuki against the Wargonian threat. Kate, Kisame, Hidan, and Itachi are going to Suna to discuss and alliance with Gaara.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Five: Negotiations with Suna<strong>

**_Rule Number Sixty-Five: Don't flirt with Kisame's girl. _**

**Kate**

At times like this, I can understand Dessie completely. Usually I think that her Hottie obsession is crazy and ridiculous. But, as I gaze upon the gorgeous face of Gaara, I can understand exactly while Dessie would feel obliged to stalk him and steal a kiss from him. Of course, with a boyfriend, I could only look and not touch, but still… the Kazekage was irresistible (even if he had no eyebrows).

"The Akatsuki," he said, grimly. "Asking for a peace treaty. This is expected."

"Believe me," said Kisame. "We didn't expect it either. But more dire circumstances arose and now we need allies to overcome it. This is not a frequent occurrence."

Gaara scoffed. "I should hope not. That black-haired girl isn't with you, is she?"

"Hn."

Hidan laughed aloud. "You mean that bitch Dessie? Hell no. It's just the four of us."

"Good. You can come in the city then." And with that, Gaara led the way into Suna.

"Wow…" muttered Kisame. "Dessie is more hated than I thought."

Gaara led the four of us – Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, and me – through the city of Suna. I have to admit it was a pretty city (though not as pretty as its Kazekage). The last time I had been to Suna was during our vacation. If I remember correctly, it was after Kisame and I had started dating and we made Kakuzu so mad with our extreme couplishness. Of course, then Dessie and Hannah had to ruin it by getting chased out of the city by shinobi…

"I hate sand…"

I turned to stare at Hidan is surprise, but what surprised me more was when Kisame agreed.

"How can you hate sand?" I asked incredulously. "It's so much fun!"

"Wargonia…" groaned Kisame.

"So much sand!" added Hidan. "And all those assmunchers to add to the pain."

"Assmunchers?" asked Kisame, rounding on Hidan as we passed through the streets of Suna. "Did you really just use the word _assmunchers_?"

"Yeah, you got an issue with that, Fish Fry?"

"No… Just… of all the words you could have used, you chose _assmunchers_?" Kisame looked around for support. Itachi just ignored him while I jumped eagerly to my boyfriend's aid.

"Assmunchers is a strange word, Hidan."

"Shut up, you suck-up girlfriend."

My face turned bright red and I quickly turned it away so that neither Kisame or Hidan could see it. Hwoever, Itachi happened to be walking right behind me and _he_ saw my tomato-face. For a moment, he just stared at me dully and then said, "Hn."

"Itachi," said Kisame, moving beside Itachi to sling an arm around Itachi's shoulders. "You really need to work on your social skills. I know you failed out of communications classes at school, but some verbal skills are necessary for life."

"Hell no!" cried Hidan. "He's a ninja – ninja are supposed to be fucking quiet."

There was a pause.

"Hn."

Kisame turned to Hidan and rolled his eyes. "Itachi says that you're and idiot and you're not the one to lecture on _quiet_ ninjas."

"What the hell are you implying, Fish Fry?" asked Hidan, raising his fists into the air.

"Nothing," said Kisame innocently. "Besides, it was Itachi talking, not me."

"Hn."

Ahead of us, Gaara looked over his shoulder and raised one of his non-existant eyebrows in our direction. I smiled sheepishly and said, "They're just a bunch of silly boys…"

At this, Kisame let out a bark of laughter and wrapped one arm around my waist. He lifted me right up from the ground and hoisted me above his head, laughing wildly while I shrieked and thrashed about. I hope the ground isn't as far away as it looks.

"What were you saying about silly boys?" asked Kisame.

"Put me down! Put me down!"

"Aren't you in love with this sill boy? Hmmm?"

"Kisame!"

He laughed, but obligingly put me down. I staggered a little, but managed to regain my center of gravity by using Itachi as a pole. He glared at me and I quickly removed my hand from his shoulder.

"Er… um…" I stammered. "I didn't…"

"Don't worry," said Kisame, patting Itachi on the head. "He may look scary on the outside. But on the inside he's a soft, loveable teddy-bear." And with that, Kisame swept Itachi up into a warm bear-hug.

Hidan pumped his fist into the air and cried, "Poke his eyes out, Weasel-Ass!"

Itachi glared.

"What?" asked Hidan irritably. "I was cheering for you!"

"I think he objects to the usage of 'Weasel-Ass'," I pointed out.

Hidan snorted. "I much prefer Stalker Bitch. She doesn't object to her nicknames."

"That's because Dessie actually _is_ a Stalker Bitch…" muttered Kisame.

"Hn."

Gaara stopped and turned to face the four of his. His expression was grim, but his eyes were inquisitive as if he was still trying to decipher exactly what was going on in our heads. I wish him the very best of luck with that task, since I don't think even the Akatsuki knows what goes on in their brains – I certainly don't.

"What's up, Zombie-Shit?" asked Hidan, coming to a halt behind Gaara.

Gaara stared.

"What?" asked Hidan, taking a step back, repulsed.

Gaara continued to stare.

"Don't tell me you've fallen in love with me, Zombie-Shit – because I can warn you right now, I am straight. Dead straight."

A pause, and then Gaara said, "Zombie-Shit?"

Hidan laughed maniacally. "You don't like it? You're the definition of zombie – didn't Deidara kill you? You have to be one pretty pathetic piece of shit to be killed by Deidara… He's like half-chick."

Kisame rolled his eyes and hit Hidan – rather roughly – in the back of the head. "You know we're here for an _alliance_, moron; it's best that we don't insult the Kazekage."

"Meh. Kazekage, Shmazekage. Like I care."

Without warning, Itachi leapt behind Hidan and slammed the back of his fist into Hidan's neck. With a gasp, Hidan went sprawling to the ground and Itachi stood over him, glaring icily down.

"Damn… Weasel-Ass…" muttered Hidan.

Kisame grinned. "I knew there was a reason we brought Itachi."

"Shut up, assmuncher!" snapped Hidan, getting to his feet.

"So," I said slowly, turning to Gaara. "Where are we?"

Gaara stared at me and, after a moment, he said, "We're outside the Kazekage offices – of course, you were too busy trying to kill each other to notice."

Hidan laughed. "It's part of the business, shithead."

Silence… Then, Gaara turned and headed into the Kazekage's offices expecting the four of us to follow him. We did, shuffling awkwardly as the eyes of every single human being in the room fell upon us. Immediately, whispers rose and some people even stood up on tiptoes to get a better look. My face turned a brilliant shade of red even though I knew no one was looking at me.

Hidan seemed quite pleased with the attention he was getting and held himself upright with an obvious swagger to his walk. "Yeah," he said. "I'm just that badass."

"Hn."

Gaara ignore the attention and led us up several flights of stairs until we reached a long hallway. We continued walking down the hall, passing all the doors to the left and right until, finally, we reached a tall, arching door at the end of the corridor. Gaara pushed it open and led us inside. The room was undoubtedly the Kazekage's personal office. It was spacious with bookshelves lining the walls and a gigantic desk in the middle of the room.

Two people were inside, one was a tall, blond girl with sea-green eyes and the other wore a black outfit that vaguely resembled a cat and purple makeup all over his face.

"Temair," said Gaara, gesturing towards the girl. "And Kankuro." He pointed at the man.

"Nice to meet you," said Kankuro, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

Temari said nothing.

We gathered around the desk, while Gaara took his seat in the chair and surveyed us all silently. "So," said Gaara. "What do you have to tell me?"

It was Itachi who responded. He launched into an explanation of the Wargonians and the blue orb (I will not bore you with reciting the whole story again). And, personally, I did not listen. Instead, I examined the reactions of the Suna shinobi. Gaara, of course, kept his face completely neutral throughout the whole story. He didn't even raise an eyebrow (which, for him, I guess was impossible). Temari, though she tried not to, would gasp and looked disbelieving in places, as if she was trying to believe the story, but at the same time being captivated by it.

I turned to Kankuro to see his reaction and was surprised to see Kankuro staring at me.

"Um…"

He winked.

WHAT! I screamed inside, unable to speak for fear of Itachi decapitating me. I quickly looked away from Kankuro and felt my face grow hot. He had – um – winked at me… Since when do guys wink at me! Not even Kisame has ever winked…

Slowly, I glanced back up at Kankuro and saw that he was still staring at me. He noticed me looking and leaned forward slightly, licking his lips.

My face felt as though it was on fire. I quickly looked away, pretending to have not seen – though it was pretty obvious that I had. Now that I think about it, didn't Hannah and Dessie mention Kankuro… And his perverted nature…

Kankuro sidled closer to me and leaned over to whisper in my eat, "You're kind of cute."

"Eh?"

Before I could muster up a reply, something yanked Kankuro's face away from my ear. Surprised, I turned to see Kisame holding Kankuro by the hair, Kankuro's hood having fallen off to reveal the scruffy brown hair beneath.

"What are you doing?" asked Temari angrily. "I thought this was a _peaceful_ meeting."

"He's flirting with my girlfriend," said Kisame bluntly, not letting go of Kankuro's hair.

"Oh. Yeah, he does that." Temari returned to listening to Itachi.

"Your family seems to hate you as much as I do," said Kisame. He pushed Kankuro away and added, in a low an deadly voice, "Don't touch my girl."

I smiled and tried to hide it. However, Kisame caught it and grinned back at me.

"Jackass," muttered Kankuro, pulling his hood back up.

Itachi had now gotten to the point where he summoned the Wargonian captive as proof that our story was true. He pulled out a scroll and released the seal. With a puff of smoke, a white-haired, red-eyed, gray-skinned Wargonian appeared on the floor of the office, bound by ropes and looking extremely frustrated.

Even Gaara looked shocked.

"This is…a Wargonian?"

"Hn."

"Hell yeah!" cried Hidan. "This thing is fucking ridiculous to try and kill!"

Wargonian struggled against his bonds, no doubt planning on murdering Hidan; however, the ropes that bound the Wargonian were too tight and he only succeeded in falling flat on his face (which of course sent Hidan into one of his maniacally laughing fits).

"The Wargonians are real…" said Temari slowly. "They really are real…"

"Hold on," said Gaara. "This is the Akatsuki. They could be lying."

Kisame nodded in agreement. "Yeah. If I weren't me I would think I was lying too. But I know I'm telling the truth so it's less ridiculous."

"You're making my brain hurt like hell," muttered Hidan.

"You're an idiot…"

Itachi decided to ignore the other Akatsuki members and spoke determinedly to Gaara. "We understand that you might have difficulties believing us, so we are willing to tell you the location of the hideout and you can witness the Wargonian army for yourself. But, for now, we would like you to agree that if the Wargonian threat is true you will help us."

Gaara stared silently at Itachi. "You tried to kill me."

"Let bygones be bygones," said Kisame, waving away Gaara's words. "We have a bigger, more dangerous threat right now than the Akatsuki's plans to rule the world. We're willing to put aside all grudges."

"Like what?"

"The death of Sasori…" said Kisame, clutching his heart. "I loved that little man – you know, he never got to be a real boy."

I smiled. "You watched Pinocchio far too many times at Dessie's house."

"Hey…" said Kisame, wiping away a fake tear. "That guy had some serious emotion issues."

"He's was the biggest shithead I've ever seen!" exclaimed Hidan.

"Hn."

Kisame grinned. "Itachi says he'll murder us all on the spot if we don't shut up about Disney films. He hears enough about Cinderella from Tobi and he doesn't want to hear another word about an Akatsuki fieldtrip to Disneyworld."

"If he wants to tell me to shut up have the Weasel-Ass tell me himself!" roared Hidan.

[A pause here where extreme violence is omitted]

"Are you willing to agree to our terms?" asked Itachi, turning back to Gaara after dealing with Hidan.

From his bloody puddle on the floor, Hidan groaned and said, "Yeah… And if you don't agree, we'll release the Itachi on you…"

Gaara sighed. "Yes, if the Wargonian threat is proven true then we will join you in a war against them."

Itachi smiled and, before Gaara could repond, Itachi formed several hand signs. There was a flash of light and – just as soon as it had come – the light was gone. Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro sat there, gawping at Itachi.

"What just happened!" exclaimed Kankuro angrily.

"Now, you are bound by a jutsu where you cannot break your promise nor murder any Akatsuki member during the war," said Itachi. "If you or any of your men break your promise, you will die."

"What!"

Temari rounded on Itachi, her eyes flashing in anger. "You lied to us!"

"Not really," said Kisame. "We just failed to mention the jutsu Leader, Tobi, and Itachi created."

"Are we done?" asked Hidan angrily. "I want to get the hell out of this place before my brain rots!"

"It's already broken," muttered Kisame as we began making our way towards the door.

I followed the two of them, but before I could take two steps, Kankuro caught me by the wrist. He placed a piece of paper in my hand and winked, "Contact me soon, baby."

SLAM!

Kisame buried his sword into the wall, inches from Kankuro's face. Kisame's eyes burned with undying hatred. "Don't – touch – my – girlfriend – ass – hole – or – I – will – rip – out – you – intestines – and – feed – them – to – my – shark – relatives – and – after – they – have – finished – eating – all – your – vital – organs – I – will – shove – the – remains – back – inside – of – you – and – have – Kakuzu – stitch – you –back – up. Then – you – can – walk – around – with – mince – meat – for – insides – and – a gnawed – up – piece – of – shit – for – a – dick."

…

…

…

Rule Number Sixty-Five: Don't flirt with Kisame's girl.

"Man," said Hidan. "Where'd you learn to threaten like that?"

Kisame removed his sword from the wall and, grabbing me by the hand, walked away. "Leader."

Hidan grinned villainously. "He still does it ten times better than you."

"At least, you don't have to worry about guys hitting on Dessie," muttered Kisame. "No sane guy would go near her with a ten feet pole."

Grinning broadly, Hidan said, "I know. It's fucking great!"

"Hn."

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><p><strong>AN: Kisame, Kisame, Kisame... I used to not like him much, but my love for him as grown since reading this fanfiction. Anyways, I was bored last night and watched the Hidan Show on youtube - hilarious as hell. If you haven't already, go watch it. It stars Hidan - the Bloody-Hottie (since Dessie refuses to acknowledge Hidan's hotness, I will tell you his nickname). **

**Okay, I feel like I should announce it now. I plan on making a sequel to this story, though I only have a faint image of the plot and I'm not sure if I should make it a Survival Guide or not. **

**Not important for now though. The most important thing for you to do now is REVIEW! Please... Tell me what you think. What was funny. What wasn't. Tell me if I should make the sequel a Survival Guide or not. TELL ME SOMETHING! OR I SHALL UNLEASH THE ITACHI ON YOU!**


	66. Love Guru Strikes Again

**_Summary of Events: _**Konoha, Suna, and Team Hebi promised to join the Akatsuki in their war if the threat against the Wargonians is proven true. Meanwhile, the Akatsuki meet up in a village near the hideout to discuss their next move.

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Six: Love Guru Strikes Again<strong>

**_Rule Number Sixty-Six: Don't ever get drunk around the Love Guru – very bad things happen that you will regret for the rest of your life._**

**Hannah**

"This is ridiculous! The entire world is collapsing – it's a sign of the next apocalypse!"

"Dessie…" I said, wearily. "Just because Tsunade has a bigger chest than you does not mean the world is coming to an end. Accept it."

"Never," she snapped. "At least mine is more sculpted."

"Stop getting side tracked," said Leader. "We actually have something important to discuss… for once…"

"Everything is important with you, Leader," said Dessie, batting her eyelashes. "We're just dying to know what information you have to add… I'm on the edge of my seat – please, please, please don't keep me waiting any longer!"

"You know," said Kisame. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."

"What's more important," said Leader. "Is that those who use sarcasm end up dead… by my hand."

"I like Leader's logic better," said Dessie. "And _that_ was not sarcasm."

"Good. Now," said Leader, turning to address the rest of the Akatsuki. We were all crowded around a table in a bar. Ever since the Akatsuki hideout had been destroyed, we had been forced to resort to little village bars – which, of course, resulted in the issue of trying to stop the Akatsuki from drinking (not that us girls helped with this issue at all).

"Let me get this straight," said Leader. "We managed to get Konoha, Suna, and Team Hebi to say 'yes' and sealed them with the jutsu?"

We all nodded in unison.

"Good. If Suna and Konoha agree, they can convince the rest of the shinobi nations to join our cause as well. They're probably sending people out to ensure that are claims are true. So, there's nothing we can do, but wait until then." Leader surveyed the group wearily. "I need to retire and deal with some last minute work and Konan must come with you. Need I remind you that drinking is _forbidden_. Anyone who drinks will lose his manhood very, very, _very_ quickly."

"Yes, Leader…"

With a suspicious glance in our direct, Leader and Konan headed upstairs to attempt to make a dent in their endless piles of paperwork. The moment the two of them disappeared from sight, Deidara turned around and said, "So, who's up for a little sake?"

"Here!" said Kakuzu, waving over the waitress.

"That was fast…" I muttered. "I took you two seconds to disobey Leader's order."

"Meh," said Kakuzu. "He knew we were going to get drunk."

"Wouldn't it be great," I said. "To actually listen to Leader's orders for once?"

Everyone laughed.

The waitress returned with sake and the night went to the dogs. I'm not exactly sure who the first one to get drunk was. But after a good quarter of an hour Hidan felt obliged to tell Dessie that he thought her bust was much hotter than Tsunade's and Dessie blushed a lot (a sure sign of alcoholic influences).

"You two are such a pair of love birds," said Deidara, waving his arm about. "I'm jealous."

"You'll find your soulmate soon!" cried Dessie, grasping Deidara by the hands. "And she – or he – will love you with all her – or his – heart!"

"I'm not gay!" wailed Deidara. "I'm far too perverted to be gay!"

"It's true," said Tobi. "Tobi is a good boy – but Deidara-senpai is a _bad_, _bad_ boy."

"Er…" I glanced at Deidara and said, "I don't really want to know what Deidara has to do to make Tobi think he's a bad boy… I don't even think Tobi knows what bad really means."

"I wouldn't be so sure," said Kakuzu between drinks. "Madara certainly knows what evil is."

Tobi took a quick drink of sake and said, "Yo! Madara doesn't come up into conversations until everyone gets really drunk and can't remember anything the next day!"

"Right," said Kisame, grabbing another bottle of sake. "I can completely agree with that. Drink up!"

I sighed and rested my head on my arms as everyone felt obliged to down another of bottle of sake. At least, I could trust Itachi and Kate to stay sober with me – actually, scratch that. Kisame has convinced Kate to have a little sake as well. He really is a bad influence on her…

"We're hungry…" said Zetsu.

Immediately, everyone scooted away from him. Even drunk the Akatsuki knew very well to avoid a hungry Zetsu. However, they needn't have worried.

"We want cheese," announced Zetsu. He turned to Itachi and asked, "Do you have any cheese?"

"Hn."

"He said yes," said Kisame, as he and Kate collapsed into a pile of erratic giggles.

Zetsu rounded on Itachi and cried, "Give us all your cheese! Now! Give us all your cheese or we'll eat your brains!"

"Dude," cried Dessie. "What is your obsession with cheese?"

"Only when's he's drunk," added Hidan. "Shitty drunks…"

"You're one to talk…" I muttered, though apparently Hidan didn't hear me.

"You want to know what would be funny?" asked Deidara suddenly. He snickered. "You want to know what would be _really_ funny?"

"If we pawned Kisame and Kate's kids?" asked Kakuzu.

"If we sacrificed everyone to Jashin?"

"If we sacrificed everyone to Warg?"

Kisame rolled his eyes. "If we sacrificed the two religious freaks to a third god named–"

"NO!" everyone screamed in unison.

"KISAME!" shouted Deidara. "IF YOU MAKE UP YET ANOTHER FAKE GOD AND HAVE THAT GOD BECOME TRUE I WILL MURDER YOU ON THE SPOT!"

"Sa…na…"

"NO!"

Dessie leapt across the table and pushed Kisame right out of his chair. The two of them went to the floor with a gigantic crash. The Akatsuki rushed to their feet to make sure that no one was bleeding all over the place. Instead, we found ourselves staring at the extremely awkward position that Kisame and Dessie found themselves in.

"Whoa," said Dessie, prodding Kisame's stomach. "You have abs."

"I'm an S-ranked criminal, baby," said Kisame. "Abs is part of the qualifications. Can you imagine a fatass criminal?"

"Ew…"

"Um… Dessie…" said Kate softly. "Would you mind not straddling my boyfriend while he's lying on the ground…?"

Dessie glanced at Kisame, who was sprawled out on his back and then at herself, who was sitting on top of him. Dessie shrugged. "I don't see what the big deal is."

"You're welcome to join us, Kate…" said Kisame.

Her face turned bright red and she decided to bury it in my shoulder so that no one could see. Luckily, Hidan liked seeing Kisame and Dessie tangled up as little as Kate did and he had the decency to pick Dessie up off of Kisame's stomach.

"I knew you were a bitch, but not a whore a well," said Hidan. "Jashin will punish you in the afterlife."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah – all I ever hear from you, jackass, is Jashin this – Jahsin that. I don't care about your god."

"Bitch!" shouted Hidan, causing the entire bar to turn and stare (if they weren't already). "One day you will kneel before the great Jashin and regret all the insults you have spewed out of that heathen mouth of yours!"

"Never!" screamed Dessie, staggering a little. "Never!"

Kisame got to his feet and elbowed Kate in the ribs. She pulled away from me to listen to what he had to say, and Kisame whispered in her ear, "We should pull a Hanetsu on them."

"A Hanetsu?" asked Kate.

"A Hannah and Zetsu… Where two drunks get married."

"Ohh…" A glimmer of joy filled Kate's eyes and I had a sinking feeling that Dessie and Hidan were in for a rough night. Slowly, Kate turned to Kisame and said, "We're going to have a wedding…?"

"No…" I said, rounding on Kisame and Kate. "No wedding."

"But…" said Kisame, a smile working its way onto his face. "The Love Guru is on a mission."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes." And with that, Kisame turned around. "Hey! Hidan! Dessie! You two want to get married tonight!"

For a second, no one spoke. Hidan looked at Dessie. Dessie looked at Hidan. Then, they both turned back to Kisame and cried, "Hell, yeah! But we'd better get some decent wedding cake!"

"See?" said Kisame, turning back to me. "I love weddings! Drinks all around!" He made his way across the room to fling his arms around their shoulders and began making wedding plans. "Of course I'll be your best man, Hidan… I couldn't imagine any other way…"

"Yeah…" said Hidan. "Give me another bottle of sake..."

Rule Number Sixty-Six: Don't ever get drunk around the Love Guru…

I slipped across the room to stand by Itachi (the only other sober person around). "Um… shouldn't we do something to stop this?"

"Hn. I didn't stop you and Zetsu from getting married."

I blinked. Once, twice, three times. Then… "You could have _stopped_ me from marrying Zetsu!"

Itachi stared. "Yeah."

"You – you – you – you…"

"Think of this as revenge," said Itachi. "Let others feel your pain."

I glanced in the direction of Dessie and Hidan who were being manipulated by the Love Guru. After a moment's thought, I leaned against the wall beside Itachi and said, "Yeah, I see your point. Now that I think about it, a married Hidan and Dessie would be quite interesting. Imagine their kids…"

"Hn."

The most part of the night was spent preparing Hidan and Dessie for their wedding. Somehow Kisame ended up being the best man and Deidara the maid of honor (alcohol does amazing things – I'm pretty sure Deidara would never do such a thing when sober). Luckily, Kisame didn't have time to buy everyone outfits so Deidara was allowed to continue wearing his Akatsuki robe. Shame… a picture of Deidara in a dress would have made wonderful blackmailing material.

Kisame found a priest willing to marry two drunkards at three in the morning and we all filed into the little church. Kisame placed a staggering Hidan by the alter and Deidara escorted Dessie to wait outside.

Suddenly, Kisame paused and turned to the audience and said, "We need someone to walk Dessie down the aisle."

No one volunteered.

"Fine then. Itachi – it's your job."

"Hn."

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Because you're the only sober guy here and therefore the only one capable of walking in a straight line."

"Hn."

However, much to my surprise, Itachi listened to Kisame and went to the back of the church to escort Dessie down the aisle – maybe he got more enjoyment out of watching the rest of us suffer than I originally thought….

Anyways, eventually everyone got into place and I somehow ended up sitting next to Kakuzu.

"Having fun?' I asked.

Kakuzu snorted. "Serves that asshole right – giving my a migrain all those years…"

Behind us, Tobi burst into tears and started ranting about how 'his little nunu was finally growing up'.

"This is ridiculous…" I muttered, but then the music began and I was forced to shut up.

Kisame and Hidan stood at the alter (Hidan didn't seem to mind that he was getting married in a non-Jahsinist church – or maybe he just didn't realize). Then, the door opened and Deidara walked in, throwing flowers this way and that.

"This is such good blackmail material…" I groaned. "Why isn't there a camera?"

Kakuzu sighed. "Next time we go to a bar, make sure you bring one." A slow grin spread across his face as Deidara came to rest at the front of the church and wiped a tear away from the corner of his eye. "Such good blackmail material…"

"I know…" I groaned.

The music changed and the door of the church opened once again and Itachi entered, escorting Dessie by the arm. Carrying a scruffy bouquet, she giggled and waved, completely out of it after the ridiculous amount of alcohol she had consumed. Half way down the aisle, she stumbled and had to grab hold of Itachi to remain upright.

As Tobi's sobs reached new heights, I leant over and hissed in Kakuzu's ear, "This wedding is so pitiful that I almost want to cry – I hope it wasn't this awful when I married Zetsu…"

"Can't have been," said Kakuzu as he chugged down another bottle of sake that he had taken from the bar. "You and Zetsu were sober enough to organize a wedding on your own. Hidan are Dessie are so drunk that they don't even know they're getting married in a non-Wargonian and non-Jashinist church."

At that moment, the priest walked up to the alter, his bald head shimmering in the dim lighting of the room.

Hidan squinted at him and, after a long thought process, Hidan said, "You're not Jashinist."

"Um…" The priest glanced nervously at Kisame and then back at Hidan. "No, no I'm not…"

Angrily, Hidan rounded on Kisame. "I can't get married in a non-Jashinist church! Heathens! Jashin will smite you all – and me – if the marriage is not consummated under the almighty Jashin-sama!"

"Like hell!" screamed Dessie, throwing her bouquet on the floor. "I want to get married in a Wargonian church! Jashin can go to hell himself – and any other shitty religion you throw at me!"

"Oh dear," said Zetsu. "We fear there may be a religious barrier in this marriage."

"Can't you just get married in a neutral church?" asked Kisame in exasperation. "That way you won't have extensive arguments about religion…"

"NO!"

Dessie cracked her knuckles threateningly and stumbled towards Kisame. "It must be a Wargonian temple…"

"What the hell!" wailed Deidara. "Wargonians are trying to kill us!"

"So what?" said Dessie. "I'm a worshipper of Warg – even if the rest of his subjects are crappy…"

"Can we get on with the wedding?" asked Kisame. "The Love Guru is so close to success…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

We froze. Everyone turned in the direction of the door where the scream had come from and we stared, trying to see what was going on outside of the church. An awful silence filled the air and we shifted uncomfortably in our seat, unsure exactly what was going on.

"What the…?"

And right about then was when all hell broke lose, literally. The walls exploded and rubble went flying in all directions. Kakuzu covered my head as a particularly large chunk of wood came flying towards our heads. We recovered from the blow and leap to our feet, looking about wildly. The other Akatsuki were fine, albeit in a little disrepair. Hidan was lying on the floor of the church before the alter with one hand over Dessie's head to protect her (I would say 'how romantic' if I weren't preoccupied with the recent explosion). Kisame was standing beside them, holding up his sword and looking around wildly, he caught sight of Kate, who had been protected by Itachi, and let out a sigh of relief.

"Where did that beautiful explosion come from?"

To no one's surprise, Deidara leapt to his feet and looked about wildly, trying to find the source.

"You mean that wasn't you!" asked Kisame incredulously. "It has to have been you! No one else would blow up a stupid wedding!"

"I wish that explosion of wondrous excellence had belonged to me… Did you not see the fiery tendrils and lashing heat as bits and pieces of debris went flying in all directions and the building was crushed to smithereens – it was beautiful, uhn!"

"Dear Warg…" muttered Kisame. "He's a freak…"

"Um… Kisame-senpai…" said Tobi. He got to his feet and shook off the debris that dirtied his robe. "Tobi has found the bombers."

"Where? What jackass ruined the Love Guru's wedding?"

And then Kisame caught sight of the Wargonians who approached the church, madness and blood thirst in their red, red eyes.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: You all hate me. Hidan and Dessie ALMOST got married - but then the Wargonians arrive with their "work of art" and the wedding is crashed. Tut-tut, stupid Wargonians. **

**Thank you for all your reviews for last chapter. I am definitely making a sequel, but I want to know if it should be a survival guide or not. Please tell me, because a Survival Guide is a lot of effort, but it keeps the series feeling more series-like. haha if that makes sense. Anyways REVIEW! REVIEW! OR THE WARGONIANS WILL INTERUPT YOUR WEDDING! MWAHAHAHAHAAHA**


	67. Love Guru Fails Again

**_Summary of Events: _**Konoha, Suna, and Team Hebi promised to join the Akatsuki in their war if the threat against the Wargonians is proven true. Meanwhile, the Akatsuki are in a village near the hideout. Everyone except Leader and Konan decided to celebrate. Almost everyone got drunk and tried to marry Hidan and Dessie - but dun-dun-dun the Wargonians crashed the stupid wedding!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Seven: Love Guru Fails Again<strong>

**_Rule Number Sixty-Seven: Don't mess with an Akatsuki wedding_**

**Dessie**

Whoa…

The world is spinning…

Wait a second… Why am I in a church? And why is Hidan lying on the ground next to me? And why the hell are there a bunch of Wargonians surrounding us!

"What the hell… is going on here… Shit. Fuck. Warg dammit."

"Aaaaaaah…" groaned Hidan, rolling away from me and holding his head. "Shit. They just ruined my wedding. What kind of shithead would ruin my wedding! Even if it wasn't in a Jashinist temple, it was _my_ wedding!"

I stagger to my feet and stared blankly at Hidan. "Wedding…?"

"Yeah," said Deidara. "The Love Guru was about to wed you two, but the Wargonians interrupted uhn."

"…"

"Fuck!" screamed Hidan, slamming his fist against the alter which caused the table to promptly shatter. "Don't you dare try and ruin my wedding, you bitches!"

I sighed and turned to face the Wargonians. They were leering at us, clutching their spears and licking their lips hungrily. One of them caught sight of me and, with a malicious smile, he raced forward, preparing to gut me on the spot. However, the Wargonian never got anywhere near me, because, at that moment, Hidan swung his scythe around and lobbed off the Wargonian's head.

"Shitheads! Let's start a riot!"

"Yeah!" screamed Deidara. He pulled some clay out of his side pouch and a maniacal grin crossed his face. "Why don't I show you all what real art is – something you amateurs could never copy with your explosions! Katsu!"

The church exploded again and I ducked behind Hidan and he blocked the debris.

"Deidara!" screamed Kisame, drawing his massive sword and pointing it at the Wargonians. "Try not to blow up the building…"

"It's already in ruins, uhn."

I backed away from Hidan and edged through what remained of the church until I came to stand by Kate. She staggered to her feet, using Itachi as shelter, and quickly flung her arms around my neck.

"Are you okay!" she wailed.

"This is crazy…" I said dizzily. "Crazy…"

"You got that right," muttered Hannah (the only sober person in the room besides Itachi). "The Akatsuki look like they're having fun."

I look over my shoulder and, sure enough, the Akatsuki were having fun. Deidara was laughing and screaming death threats as he blew up every Wargonians within reach and Kakuzu was using his black tentacles for bone breaking. Hidan was shrieking with mirth and he sliced open stomachs, heads, and limbs. Wargonians tried to get a stab at Hidan, but drunk and angry, Hidan was untouchable. Zetsu, at least, managed to appease his hunger and was sitting in the pews, munching on the heads of two dead Wargonians. Around Zetsu, Itachi was slicing up Wargonians after Wargonian with his kunai. Kisame, too, had gone for the slice and dice strategy and was ripping Wargonians to shreds. Even Tobi had joined in the fight, giggling gleefully and crying out "Tobi is a good boy!" as he decapitated Wargonians.

Rule Number Sixty-Seven: Don't mess with an Akatsuki wedding…

"Ah… yeah…" said Kate slowly. "It look real fun…"

I laughed. "Yeah, real fun… bitching good time…"

"You okay, Dessie?" asked Kate nervously.

A wide grin spread across my face. "Yeah – never been better. You want to kick some Wargonian ass?"

Hannah sighed and, out of no where, she whipped out a frying pan. "I guess so."

"Where do you hide that thing?" I asked incredulously. "You don't have nearly enough cleavage."

Hannah rolled her eyes and then swung the frying pan over her shoulder. For a second, I thought she was going to hit me over the head, but the next second there came the ringing sound of metal on skull and a Wargonian crumpled at our feet.

"Asses…" I muttered and then felt obliged to kick the nearest Wargonian in his privates.

Madness. That's how I would describe it. Deidara makes things go boom. Hidan makes things bleed. Kisame rips and Itachi tears. Kakuzu goes all octopusy while Zetsu acts like a crazy, cannibalistic plant. Kate screams and runs away and then Tobi giggles and talks about what bad boys Wargonians are. I make sure that the Wargonians can't ever reproduce and Hannah bashes skulls. Yep. It was madness.

"HOW DARE YOU RUIN THE LOVE GURU!" screamed Kisame and he sliced off three Wargonians legs with a wave of his sword. "I was so close! So close to victory – but NO you moron have to ruin it by blowing up the stupid church! I will kill you all!"

"JASHIN WILL KILL YOU ALL! Pain will flood your lives and eat away at you flesh as Jashin prepares you for eternal torment and suffering in the afterlife! Maggots and flies will feast upon your corpse as Jashin devours your soul!"

"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"

"We're hungry…"

"Tobi is a good boy! You are a bad boy! Good boys will kill bad boys!"

"YOU ARE ALL A SHAME TO WARG! How dare you murder his follower! Feel that? That's pain! The pain of losing your future children and the pain of being a little less manly – shitheads!"

"WHY IS EVERYONE I KNOW CRAZY AS HELL!"

SLAM!

Everyone froze. And with good reason. Even the Wargonians who had never met Leader knew to fear him. With all his piercings and his bright orange hair, Leader stood in the ruins of the church doorway and glowered at the wreck before him. To his left stood Konan and to his right was Tsunade, both woman look scandalized at the sight before them.

"Oh crap…" muttered Kisame. "We're dead." He patted the Wargonian nearest to him on the shoulder and said, "It was nice knowing you buddy."

"Did I not tell you…" said Leader. "That drinking is forbidden? And now, I find you not only drunk, but also about to marry Hidan and Dessie – and in the middle of a brawl with Wargonian forces."

"I can explain," said Kisame.

Leader stared.

"Um… on second thought, no I can't. Never mind…"

I rolled my eyes. "Real helpful, Kisame."

"I thought we were getting competent allies," said Tsunade. "Not a mob of drunken shinobi."

"They're not usually this…drunk…" said Leader.

"What are talking about?" asked Deidara. "We're always this crazy! Katsu!"

One of the Wargonian's faces exploded and everyone seemed to remember that we were in the middle of a fight. I spun around and punched the nearest Wargonian in the face.

"You will all die."

I don't really remember what happened next, but one moment, we were fighting the Wargonians and then – Pain appeared, in multitude, and started killing. And then, suddenly, we were standing in a room with a bunch of dead bodies – and a very, very pissed of Leader.

"Heh… heh…" Kisame laughed and kicked one of the dead Wargonian bodies. "I told you…"

"I am going to kill you all," said Leader icily.

"You can't kill me," pointed out Hidan. "I'm immortal."

"Then I will rip you to pieces and burry you in a gigantic pit and leave you there to rot!"

"Yeah," said Kakuzu somewhat cheerfully. "Do us all a favor."

"Shut up, Kakuzu!"

"Um…" Tsuande looked around. "As much as I would love to see Leader murder all of you – don't forget that Wargonian reinforcements are on their way…"

"WHAT!"

"There's more!"

Tsunade nodded grimly. "We have confirmed the existence of the – er – vast Wargonian army and have agreed to join forces."

"Yeah…" I said. "Now would be a good time to run…"

And then I fainted.

* * *

><p>My brain hurts. My arm hurts. My other arm hurts. My leg hurts. My other leg hurts. My chest hurts. My little left pinkie finger hurts. And so does the right one. I hurt – a lot. A real lot.<p>

"Owwwww…"

"Lie still. You must have a massive hangover."

"Yay…" I groaned. "I just love massive hangovers." Slowly, I opened my eyes and found my vision blinded by an overwhelming wave of pink. There was only one person in this world I know who has pink hair. "What do you want, you bitching loudmouth with a flat chest."

"Great way to thank me, especially since I've been helping you all night, trying to fix your stupid hangover, you drunkard."

"I like being a drunkard. It makes life more fun."

"Yeah, especially when you get attacked by Wargonians in the middle of your wedding."

"Wedding?"

Sakura raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "You really don't remember?"

"What wedding…?" My eyes widened. "I'm not… married, am I?"

A small smile flickered at Sakura's lips and my heart missed a beat. But she simply said, "The Wargonians interrupted before Hidan and you could get married. You have your friend…Kisame to thank for that…"

My eyes darkened. "The Love Guru…"

"What?"

"Nothing. See, there is a god – Warg knew I should never marry that foul Jashinist and he sent Wargonians troops to stop the wedding."

"Er… and then the Wargonians troops tried to kill you…"

I shrugged and rubbed my forehead wearily. "I'm alive… for now…"

"Good. Because, as much as I hate you, we need you alive. Konoha, Suna, Hebi, and the Akatsuki are going to war… together… against the Wargonians. And, according to Pain, you are a worshipper of Warg."

"Yep. And who is Pain?"

Sakura looked at me oddly. "The guy with orange hair and piercings…"

"Oh yeah…" I said and then laughed. "Leader. We only know him as Leader." I sat up in bed and was immediately welcomed by a rush of a hangover. "Urg… not cool…"

"Because getting drunk is," muttered Sakura.

"Hell yeah." I grinned, but it slowly faded and instead I asked, "So what happened?"

"Well… the Akatsuki was staying in a village near their hideout – however, the Wargonians used that as the first point of attack… After confirming the existence of the Wargonians, Tsuande and her guard met up with you in the village, but we were – of course – met by Wargonians. We're now in Suna, waiting for the War Council."

"Oh… fun…"

The door to the room opened and I looked up to see Kisame and Kate walking in. They caught sight of me and grinned. Kate bounced across the floor to fling her arms around my neck crying, "You're alive!"

"No, Kate," I said, wincing in pain. "I'm dead."

Kate gasped. "You mean… you're a…zombie!"

Stare. Stare. Stare.

"Yeah, sure Kate. I'm a zombie risen from the grave. I decided to take a leaf out of Hidan's book and become immortal. Pretty badass, huh?"

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say."

"You."

Kisame looked about me and then at Sakura, and then back to me. He shifted uncomfortably. "What…?'

"You."

"What…?"

"You tried to make me marry Hidan!" I scream, and then winced. "Why the hell would I marry that son-of-a-bitch? Besides, we could never agree on a church to be married in. Unless one of us converted – and I don't see myself converting to Jashinism any time soon."

"Hey," said Kisame, raising his hands in defense. "When I asked last night both of you wee totally up for it. I even go a 'hell, yeah' in response."

"Whoa… Did Hidan and Dessie get married?"

We all turned to see the blond fur ball and Hannah walking in through the door. Deidara was looking around wildly, trying to detect if anyone was lying. However, when he realized that everyone was dead serious, Deidara's jaw dropped to the floor and he stared. "No way… Why can't I remember any of this!"

"I wish I could too…" I muttered.

Hannah smirked. "Trust me, Fur Ball, you don't want to remember nay of it. I vaguely remember that you were the maid of honor."

My eyes widened. "What! Deidara! _My_ maid of honor! What is this ridiculousness? I have better friends than him!"

Both of a cringed as I raised my voice, then, with his hands clasped over his ears, Deidara said, "Yeah… I didn't wear a dress… did I?'

Hannah grinned.

"No…"

Her smile widened.

"Hannah… Don't you dare… You didn't take a picture, uhn!"

A villainous smile crossed her face and she cackled evilly.

"Don't play with him, Hannah," said Kisame wearily. "You forgot the camera at the hideout when we were attacked by the Wargonians and we didn't have time to buy dresses – and Kakuzu gave us a budget."

"Aw, Kisame," she said, her smile vanishing. "I was just having some fun."

Deidara breathed a sigh of relief and slumped back in relief. "Whew. Thank you, Kakuzu."

I rubbed my forehead and groaned. "Kisame… As soon as my hangover goes away, I am going to _murder_ you."

Kisame grinned. "You and Hidan both – think of it as a couple's activity."

I leapt from my bed with my arms outstretched, and grabbed Kisame by the throat. He collapsed to the ground with me on top, throttling him with all the strength I have left.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: You have no idea how hard it is to write an action scene from the point of view of a drunk person. So, I might have made Dessie and co seem sober at some points, but it is ridiculously hard. Thankfully, the Wargonians were not all-powerful at that moment and the Akatsuki lived. I apologize, but the next few chapters are low on action, and more plot building. See - there is a plot! Yay! **

**I've also started writing the plan for the sequel, which will be named "Criminally Insane Just Got More Illegal" - it will not be a survival guide (sorry) but will still follow the POV pattern. And, hopefully, will be much shorter than Survival Guide to the Criminally Insane Akatsuki. haha because this is ridiculous.**

**Anyways, REIVEW! REVIE REVEIW REVIEW! I tend to update when each chapter reaches twenty reviews, so the more you review, the fast you get updates. (the actual story is written up to chapter 71) haha REVIEW OR PREPARE FOR A MASSIVE FANFIC HANGOVER!**


	68. Old and New Friends

**_Summary of Events: _**After being attacked by Wargonians, the Akatsuki is now in Suna awaiting the War Council.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Eight: Old and New Friends<strong>

**_Rule Number Sixty-Eight: Never go out into public with Kisame_**

**Kate**

Hello, dear readers. I realize it has been a long time since I've talked to you, and now I feel obliged to start with a fond 'hello'. You see after a week of hanging out in Suna avoiding Leader and his various punishments (such as pushing Hidan out of a six story window, locking Kisame in a daycare center with a bunch of five year old children, and using Deidara as target practice for the little kids in the training academy). Leader had still not forgiven us for getting drunk and trying to wed Hidan and Dessie even though he gave us multiple warnings. Now, our new allies think the Akatsuki is a joke… oops.

"I'm bored…"

"Dessie…" said Hannah. "Shut up."

The three of us – Hannah, Dessie, and I – were sitting outside Suna in the shade of the Great Wall which surrounded the city. We were waiting for the embassies from other countries to arrive. So far, the Raikage of the Land of Lightning had arrived as well as the Tsuchikage from the Land of Earth. The three of us had been there to greet the parties, though we didn't see any one familiar.

"It's hot," said Dessie. "And I'm going to get tan."

"Don't you want to get tan?" asked Hannah.

"I'd look awful tan," said Dessie. "I prefer being pale – like a sexy vampire."

"Great…" muttered Hannah. "Why don't you just marry Hidan and you two can become a vampire-zombie couple. Think of all the headaches you'd save us too."

Dessie rolled her eyes. "Or the headaches we'd make. Consider all the couples arguments we'd get into. The headaches… just waiting… the pain… the screaming … every single morning…"

"Okay, you made your point," grumbles Hannah. "I would hate it if you and Hidan got together. Hate each other for the rest of your miserable lives."

"Good."

"Hannah!" I cried. "What about all our efforts to finally get Hidan and Dessie together!"

She shrugged. "Why do I care?"

"Um… well… Because Dessie's our friend and we care about her future happiness?" I suggested.

Hannah laughed.

"It's nice to see you care so much about my future happiness," said Dessie, though she was grinning as well.

"I'm I the only one who cares?" I asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," said Dessie.

"Hey…" said Hannah, jerking her thumb in the direction of the desert. "Konoha has arrived."

"Really?"

Dessie and I twisted around and turned to see the seven Konoha representatives headed our way. I squinted and could make out the figures of Tsunade, Jiraiya, Kakashi, Naruto, Sai, a black haired woman, and Ibiki. As they approached, Dessie got to her feet and waved about wildly.

"Hey! Over here!"

The Konoha party slowed to a halt beside us. Jiraiya seemed quite happy to see Dessie and his wiggled his eyebrows and grinned suggestively. Dessie chose to ignore him and gave Kakashi a gigantic hug.

"Oh… hi there…" he said, stepping away from her as quickly as possible.

"Hey, Mysterious-Hottie," said Dessie cheerfully. "I missed your divine face – there was nothing so beautiful to look as while you were away."

Naruto stared at Dessie incredulously. "You can't even see Kakashi's face. For all you know he could be as ugly as a baboon's ass…"

Dessie smiled and gave Naruto a hug too. "Silly, Sunshine-Hottie. I don't need to see the face to know if someone's hot. I have Hottie-Tacking devices in my head and the device goes off like a siren every time I get near Mysterious-Hottie. He is simply _divine_."

"Oh…" Naruto edged away from Dessie.

"Hey, Ibiki," said Hannah. She hopped down from her seat on the wall and patted Ibiki on the back. Hannah was smiling, however, Ibiki looked terrified. Apparently he remembered all too clearly the time when Hannah threatened him.

"Are you sober this time?" Tusnade asked.

Dessie grinned. "Leader has tortured us into sobriety. I shall no drink – at least for a week or so until Leader forgets this ever happened… Then we'll probably all go out drinking."

Tsunade looked torn – as if she was debating between punching the living daylights out of Dessie or laughing. In the end, she compromised and punched Dessie 'lightly' on the shoulder and chuckled softly. "I guess I can understand someone who appreciates alcohol."

Dessie smiled and nodded, rubbing her shoulder where Tsunade had punched her.

"Hey, it's Donkey-Girl, Bitch, and Cutie," said Sai.

Immediately, I felt my face turn a bright shade of red and I turned away so that no one could see. Kisame would murder Sai if he knew I was blushing like this.

"I object to being called Donkey-Girl…" muttered Hannah.

"I think it suits you well," said Dessie as she dodged Jiraiya. "So, you guys looking forward to the War Council?"

Tsunade raised a quizzical eyebrow and said, "I don't think we're _looking forward_ to it, but…anticipating it, yes. It should be interesting."

"We'll be there too," said Dessie. "Though Leader has forbidden us from talking out of turn. The punishment is… unspeakable." The three of us shuddered at the mention of Leader's death threats.

"That bad?" asked Naruto.

We nodded in unison.

"It can't be worse than Hannah's threats…" muttered Ibiki.

We laughed. "Of course they can. Leader is the master of horror."

"None of you could spend two minutes in a room with him when he was angry," said Hannah. "Guts and vital organ and brain matter and bones and…" She shuddered. "It's awful. _I_ get nightmares."

"Me too!" cried Dessie. "It's some scary shit."

"Well," said Tsunade. "We'll have to witness some of Leader's death threats ourselves. But first, we have to greet the Kazekage."

"Okay!" I said. "He's in his office."

"Yeah… We kind of figured."

The Konoha party passed by and Hannah, Dessie, and I returned to our seats in the shade. We lay there for a moment, soaking up the sun (or, in Dessie's case, avoiding it). I lay against the rough sand wall and let the warmth soak against my face. I closed my mind and let my mind drift off…

"Ow…'

Someone kicked me in the ribs and – after being jolted awake from my nap – I rolled over grumpily. "What do you want?"

"Hey, baby," said Kisame, sitting on the ground beside me.

A smile worked its way onto my face and I cuddles up against Kisame's side. "Hi. Not can I go back to sleep? I was having a very pleasant dream…"

"About me?"

I grinned. "No. It was about birds in the sky with a bunch of fluffy clouds. And I was flying up with them… It was nice… And then suddenly a giant blue foot came from nowhere and kicked me right out of the sky."

"Aw," said Kisame, ruffling my hair fondly. "The giant blue foot apologizes."

"Good."

"Hey, bitch! Why are you avoiding me!"

I squinted and, through my eyelashes, I could see Hidan chasing Dessie around the desert ground, trying to catch her. She was clearly avoiding him, and, whenever he did manage to catch her, she would punch him in the stomach and hurry away.

"Bitch! Bitch! Dessie!"

"No!" she snapped. "If you come anywhere near me, the Love Guru is going to try and make us get married again! You come any where near me and I'll make sure the Love Guru marries you to Tobi!"

Kisame sighed. "The Love Guru was not meant to be used as a threat…"

"Bitch!" shouted Hidan. He leapt over Kakuzu's sleeping body and caught hold of Dessie's wrist. "Don't avoid me, bitch!"

"Why not?"

Silence stretched between them. I glanced around to see if everyone looked as awkward as I felt. Kakuzu was lying on the ground next to Hannah and Deidara sat by Hannah's head, making a clay sculpture. They all seemed rather unconcerned with the fact that Hidan and Dessie were having a totally romantic moment.

"Oh, hey," said Deidara suddenly. "Team Hebi has arrived."

Everyone turned around and we saw the four members of Team Hebi making their way through the desert towards us. Dessie let out a squeal of delight and sprinted across the desert to plant a kiss – smack – on Sasuke's lips.

"Scratch what I said about a romantic moment…" I muttered.

Kisame grinned and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "They'll get married one day – hopefully when they're sober and know what they're doing."

"Hopefully."

"Hey! Shithead!" shouted Hidan, snatching Dessie out of Sasuke's reach. "I'll kill you! Jashin-sama would _love_ to devour your wretched soul!"

"Take her," said Sasuke. "The farther away from me she is the better."

Karin grinned and stuck her tongue out at Dessie, who then flipped Karin off in return.

"Oh, catfight," said Kakuzu. "Ten bucks on Dessie."

"There's no way I'm taking that bet," said Hannah. "At least bet on something less one-sided."

"I can beat this bitch's ass any time!" screamed Karin.

Everyone looked at her skeptically and then Hannah and Kakuzu returned to their betting argument. Deidara laughed and put the finishing touches on his bird sculpture. He stopped, glanced up, and grinned, "Something is going to go boom, uhn."

"Crazy…" muttered Hannah.

"Meh," said Dessie. "Craziness is natural. I mean, Mini-Hottie is crazy – but he's still a sexy boy." She giggled and Hidan started carrying Dessie away from Sasuke, scowling and cursing.

"Where's Itachi?"

There was a community sigh as everyone present turned to stare at Sasuke.

"What is with your mad obsession with Itachi?" asked Kisame. "Are you two having incest or something?"

Dessie screamed. "No! Hotties cannot be gay!"

"I happen to know plenty of gay Hotties," said Hannah. "There's nothing wrong with it." She turned to Sasuke. "Though there are issues with incest."

"I am not gay! And I don't do anything with Itachi!" shrieked Sasuke. "I want to kill him! Kill! Not kiss! Kill!" [though the author has been known to make such typos – oops] "Why does everyone think I am attracted to the very brother who killed my whole clan!"

"I think we hit a sore spot…" said Deidara cheerfully. "So what kind of perverted things do you two do in bed, uhn?"

"Nothing! Unless it involves a kunai to his throat!"

Kisame cackled villainously and clapped his hands together. "So you're into the S and M stuff… I always thought that Itachi would be the sadist, but I guess I could see it the other way around…"

I thought Sasuke was going to explode from rage and embarrassment. I reached out a hand and touched Kisame's shoulder, warning him to stop. Reluctantly, he did, but that didn't mean Deidara and Hannah had to. They continued to grill him about incest until, finally, Sasuke took out chidori and Deidara and Hannah decided it was time to go bother Leader.

"Well that was entertaining," said Suigetsu.

"Hey, Snow-Hottie," said Dessie, waving from behind Hidan. Hidan then kicked her in the shins and she fell to the ground.

"What the hell was that for!" she screamed, leaping to her feet. "I was just saying 'hi'!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Hidan. "I was simply stretching my leg and you happened to be in its path."

"Shithead!"

Dessie leapt onto Hidan's back – skillfully avoiding his scythe – and started pulling at his silver hair. Hidan yelled and struggled to throw her off. Over and over again, he cried, "Not the hair! Don't mess up the hair!"

"You have no idea how long he spends in the bathroom trying to get that thing in place," muttered Kakuzu.

"I thought you didn't go in the bathroom," I said.

"I don't. There's blood everywhere and the bathtub has rotting bodies in it."

Karin wrinkled her nose. "Ew. What kind of freak as rotting bodies in his bathtub?"

There came a chorus of "Hidan", but the subject did not hear his name, since he was too busy throwing Dessie into the wall and drawing his scythe in preparation of severing her head. Dessie leapt to her feet at the last second, kicked Hidan between the legs, and prepared to run – however, Hidan brought the scythe slashing down over her head, barely missing by inches (and we all know he missed on purpose).

"What the hell!" shrieked Dessie. "You could have killed me!" (well, all of us except one person…)

"Why didn't her attack on your manly bits affect you?" asked Kakuzu curiously.

Hidan grinned proudly. "I have built up an immunity!"

"Dessie…" I said slowly. "How many times did you kick him…there…?"

She shrugged. "Enough for him to build up an immunity apparently."

Kisame cringed and protected his own manly bits. "For once in my life, Hidan, I feel pity for you… Not even a sadomasochist wants that…"

"Hold on," said Dessie. She walked over to Hidan and stared into his eyes. For a moment, she just stared at him and he stared back. Then, she drew back her leg and kicked him right between the legs.

Hidan screamed.

"Nope, the immunity was short lasted."

Sasuke cringed, his eye twitching slightly. "I'm almost glad she considers me a Hottie…"

"It does have its perks," agreed Suigetsu.

Dessie smiled proudly and Kisame rolled his eyes. "That's not something to be proud of, Dessinator."

"Dessinator?" she asked.

"Yeah. It's my new nickname for you – I think it's badass enough. Out of The Dess, Desswolf, Count Dessula, and Desswoman, I thought the Dessinator was the best."

I elbowed Kisame in the ribs and smiled. "Do I have a nickname?"

Kisame grinned. "Yes, but nothing I can utter in public."

My face turned bright red, while Dessie laughed and said, "Kisame – since when have you cared about what the public thought of you?"

"Never," said Kisame proudly.

Rule Number Sixty-Eight: Never go out into public with Kisame – who knows what kind of twisted, perverted stunt he is planning to pull?

"So wait…" said Karin. "Are Shark Boy and Lava Girl dating?"

"Lava Girl…?" I asked.

Everyone else burst into laughter while I sat next to Kisame and tried to puzzle out my new nickname. Finally, Dessie put me out of m misery and explained how "lavaish my face is whenever someone mentions sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll". Needless to say, my face was very lavaish.

Suddenly, a dark shadow crossed Sasuke's face. I felt a chill run up my spine since it was no secret exactly what gave Sasuke such a pinched up, angry face. Slowly, I looked over my shoulder and saw Itachi standing in front of the wall. Sasuke was glaring at Itachi, while Itachi successfully ignored Sasuke and looked cool simultaneously.

"Restrain him!" cried Karin.

Juugo reached out one arm and wrapped it around Sasuke's chest. Sasuke struggled against Juugo's grasp, but before Sasuke could break away, Suigetsu brought the flat side of his sword crashing down on the side of Sasuke's skull. Poor Sasuke's eyes rolled back in his head and he crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

"You forget," said Suigetsu. "If we kill Itachi – we all die. And I really like my life."

Dessie nodded. "I like Snow-Hottie better alive."

Juugo lifted Sasuke up off the ground and slumped the body over his shoulder. With a nod in Itachi's direction, Team Hebi walked through the entrance way into Suna. We watched them go with slight amusement on our faces. Then, suddenly, Kakuzu asked, "Itachi, what are you doing here anyways?"

"Hn."

"He says that Leader sent him," translated Kisame.

"Why?" I asked, sitting up straight.

"Hn."

Kisame grinned. "Because the War Council is about to start, and Leader says that if any one is late he will rip off their balls and turn the Akatsuki into an organization of eunuchs – which will probably be better for the world – can you imagine us having kids?"

"So then Kate and I are safe?" said Dessie. "Since we're already ball-less."

"Hn."

Kisame laughed. "He says Leader doesn't care if it's manly bits or womanly bits – he'll rip them all off."

With that, Dessie leapt to her feet. "Not my beautiful chest!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Dessie... Dessie... Dessie... You perv. And Kisame. They're birds of a feather. haha I really feel as though I should give them a kid at one point, just to see the reaction. You have to admit it'd be funny. Hidan picking the kid up by the ankle and going "What is this?" or Deidara giving the baby a clay toy... *falls over laughing at the image* That sounds like fun...**

**Anyways, please revie. I'm almost there... at this moment I have four more reviews left until dun-dun-dun 1000! (keep review after that, though)**


	69. The War Council

**_Summary of Events: _**After being attacked by Wargonians, the Akatsuki is now joind the War Council in Suna.

**_The chapter is dedicated to KillerCloudKunoichi because I promised her I'd update before midnight. It's 12:01..._**

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixty-Nine: The War Council<strong>

**_Rule Number Sixty-Nine: The Akatsuki does not honor peace treaties very well. _**

**Hannah**

We all crowded into the council room. It was built in a way that sort-of resembled the coliseum; with rows upon rows of seats circling around a podium in the middle of the room – of course, there weren't any gladiators here. However, knowing the Akatsuki, this was a possibility.

The Akatsuki were given the northern section of the council room. We slid into our seats (with the loudest people shoved at the back). Out of the four teams/countries represented, the Akatsuki was not the smallest, but it was swamped by the masses of Konoha and Suna politicians and shinobi who had come. The group we had seen arriving from Konoha was only a small portion of what they had brought. They filled up their section of the council room and part of Hebi's section. Suna was much the same with some of their people being forced to sit next to the Akatsuki, needless to say, they weren't very happy with the seating arrangements.

"I think most of them are glaring at you, Deidara," said Kisame.

Tobi shuddered and grabbed hold of Deidara's arm. "They're not going to kill Deidara-senpai, are they?"

Deidara scoffed. "They're just upset because they think I killed their Kazekage."

"Didn't you?" Kate asked.

Deidara shrugged, a small smile flickering on his face. "The Kazekage came back to life, so what does it matter? Some bitch brought him back from the dead."

"Oh," said Dessie. "So no one cares, then.'

"Well…" said Deidara. "Apparently they care…"

"Shut up, all of you," said Leader grimly. He turned around to face the rest of the room. Leader and Konan sat at the front of the section, where they could be easily seen and heard by the other groups. Itachi, Kisame, Kakuzu, Zetsu, and I all sat in the row behind Leader. I assumed it was organized from most reasonable people to the least reasonable people, since Kate, Deidara, Tobi, Hidan, and Dessie were in the row behind us.

"Why won't they start already?" grumbled Hidan. "I'm bored."

"Join the club…" said Dessie.

"Patience is a virtue," said Kisame cheerfully.

Deidara smirked ad kicked Kisame in the back. "We're in the Akatsuki – weren't virtues abandoned a _long_ time ago."

"Point to Deidara," said Dessie, making an invisible tick mark in the air. "Anyone want to place bets?"

"Ten on Kisame," said Kakuzu.

"Damn…" muttered Dessie. "I wanted to bet on Kisame…"

"Why do you two have so little faith in me, uhn!" asked Deidara angrily.

"Will you all shut up!" snapped Leader, whipping around to glare at us all his ringed eyes burning with hatred. "At least act like reasonable human beings!"

We shut up. After several more minutes of a bored and quiet Akatsuki – which involved flirtatious glances between Kisame and Kate, explosions from Deidara, and a full-out fist war from Dessie and Hidan (all of which were done in absolute silence) – the meeting started.

Gaara rose to his feet (insert drooling from Dessie and Kate) and addressed the room. "We were called here today to discuss the threat of the Wargonian army. What you see here today is the people who promised to aid us in our battle against the Wargonians. All other countries turned down our requested and refused to believe in the existence of a different dimension – despite the very physical evidence."

"Before we get to discussion," said Gaara. "I would like to have a quick debriefing on the situation from, Pein, the leader of the Akatsuki."

Leader got to his feet and retold the story of the blue orbs, the Wargonians, and the invasion. Everyone had heard the story before – some of us multiple times – but we still listened in rapture until the story's end. When he was done, Leader sat back down again.

Gaara had the other groups confirm the existence of the Wargonian threat and then, after that, discussion time began.

"We must fight them!" cried a Konoha shinobi.

I rolled my eyes. I thought that option was a _duh_. What next, make a peace treaty with them?

A Suna shinobi rose to speak. "I think we should try negotiations with them. For all we know the Wargonians come in peace – the Akatsuki are criminals and are not likely to try making peace with the foreigners."

"Ouch…." mutered Deidara. "That hurt…"

"And here I thought people couldn't get nay stupider," I added.

To my surprise, it was Dessie who rose to respond to this argument. Leader looked like he was about to tackle her to stop her from talking, but Dessie ignore him and said, with surprising civility, "Don't speak of what you know nothing. Warg is the god of war and destruction. His followers only want to cause war and destruction. They want to conquer and destroy. Peace is an unknown concept to them an they will slaughter anyone who goes near them."

"And how do you know this!" snapped the Suna shinobi.

Dessie scowled. "Because I worship Warg, shithead." And with that she sat down.

Leader face-palmed himself and muttered, "Well… That could have gone worse…"

Suddenly, Sasuke got to his feet and received the right to speak. "When the Akatsuki party came to visit Team Hebi and explain the situation, they brought a Wargonian captive. The captive mention something about a power source – I would like to ask the Akatsuki to explain more on this."

"A power source?" asked Dessie.

I recalled the mention of a power source when the Wargonian had been tossing out information in terror. Slowly, I got to my feet to speak. "Yes, a power source. In Wargonia, a different dimension, there is a temple with a glowing light on top of it. According to the Wargonians, that light is a gift from Warg and whenever the light glows, the Wargonians' power grows rapidly."

When I was done, I quickly sat back down and waited for everyone else to speak.

"We should destroy the power source then," said Tsunade. "But how…?"

"Art is a bang!"

Silence. Slowly, everyone turned to stare at Deidara. I glanced over my shoulder and saw that he was grinned maniacally, holding one of his little birds in his hand. The bird flapped its wings and flew away from Deidara. He raised two fingers and cried "Katsu!" The bird exploded in a rush of flames and smoke.

"Be serious!" cried a Konoha shinobi.

Deidara smiled. "I am being serious. We blow up their source of power, uhn."

"That puts a lot of responsibility on you!" snapped Temari. "Why should we trust you? You killed our Kazekage! You might just abandon the mission and screw us all over!"

Deidara opened his mouth to reply, but I beat him to it. Slowly, I got to my feet and regarded Temari. "I wouldn't trust Deidara to do a lot of things – like clean a toilet, go shopping, drive a car, meet my parents, go to my high school reunion, or raise a child – bit, if there is one thing I can trust Deidara to do it is to _blow things up_. If you want something to go boom, Deidara will not fail you."

Silence.

"Man, Hannah," said Dessie. "That was badass."

"Yeah, yeah…"

"Okay," said Tsunade loudly, trying to cut off any response from Suna. "So we will send a party to Wargonia… But that means infiltrating the Akatsuki's ex-hideout where the Wargonian troops are gathered…"

Leader got to his feet. "Anyone in the Akatsuki is completely willing to take part in this mission."

Tsunade nodded. "Of course we wouldn't send anyone who is unwilling. Deidara will be going, since he is the only one with explosives of that caliber."

"And Dessie," added Leader. "As a worshipper of Warg who had been around the city, it seems to be the best choice."

"I want to go!" said Hidan, getting to his feet.

Leader turned around and glared at Hidan, saying, "You're a Jashinist, they hate Jashinists. They would kill you on the spot with no questions asked."

Hidan rolled his eyes. "I'm a fucking immortal – perfect for a suicide mission."

"He has a point…" said Sasuke.

Leader sighed and nodded. "Fine. The Akatsuki will send Deidara, Dessie, and Hidan. Does Team Hebi, Suna, or Konoha want to add to the party?"

The leaders of each group immediately turned around ad had whispered conversations with one another. Tsunade was the first to turn around and announce, "Konoha will send Sakura, Neji, and Gai. The party will need a medic ninja and Sakura will fill that role."

Dessie groaned. "Pinkette and Spandex… At least we get Ice-Hottie…"

"Hush!"

Gaara then rose to address the council. "Suna will send only Temari."

"Even worse…" muttered Dessie, only to be shushed again by Konan.

Sasuke added that Team Hebi would send Suigetsu since he seemed to be the only member who could stand being in Dessie's pretense without having the overwhelming urge to kill her. Which I thought was a completely sane reason, but Konoha and Suna shinobi looked scandalized.

Leader got to his feet and said, "The Akatsuki hideout is, fortunately, sandwiched between Suna and Konoha. So, if we send troops to both places and protect them, the main brunt of the Wargonians forces should attack there and we can battle them head on."

After Leader was done, Gaara rose to speak, "I think that Suna has enough troops to defend itself, as does Konoha. We may send some troops to Konoha and vice versa, but I see no need for a mass reshuffling of troops."

Tsunade nodded in agreement.

It was Sasuke, however, who rose to speak. "Since Team Hebi has no place to defend, we will split up our team amongst the locations. I will stay in Suna and Karin and Suigetsu will go to Konoha."

There was a general nodding of heads and then Leader rose. Apparently the hatred towards the Akatsuki was greater than the hatred towards Team Hebi since everyone fell into immediate silence at the sight of Leader and spent most of their time glaring at him.

"The Akatsuki agrees with Team Hebi and plans to divide the group amongst the three locations. As already said, Deidara, Dessie, and Hidan will go to Wargonia. But Hannah, Zetsu, Tobi, Itachi, and Kakuzu will all stay in Suna while Kate, Kisame, Konan, and I will go to Konoha."

There was a mass grumbling and whispering amongst the shinobi, but Leader proudly ignored it and returned to his seat.

"Man…" hissed Kisame. "Leader can kickass when he wants to."

"I'll say…" said Kakuzu. "He kicks your ass all the time."

"Tobi doesn't like it when Leader kicks behinds. Tobi likes his behind." Tobi scuttled along the see to protect his backside from Leader.

Gaara rose to his feet and examined everyone in the room. "Is there anything anyone would like to add? No…"

Leader got to his feet where everyone could see him and added, "While negotiating with your leaders, we placed a jutsu on them where if they or any of their subordinates kill any Akatsuki member, the leaders will die. And if any group refuses to participate, their leader will die."

"EH!"

(This came from Tsunade, who was the only person not to be informed of the jutsu prior to the meeting).

"Just thought you should know," said Leader, sitting back down.

"That's not fair!" cried Temari angrily. "The Akatsuki can kill anyone they want with no consequences, but the moment we try to kill you – our leaders die!"

Dessie scowled. "Shut up, bitch. You got a problem? Come up with this badass jutsu on your own."

"Dessie, shut it," snapped Leader. He turned to regard Temari and said, rather calmly, "We know the dangerousness of the Wargonian threat. We will not put our continent at risk – especially since we plan on ruling it one day – for the sake of petty murders. We know we won't kill anyone, but we can't trust you not to kill us. Is there anyone in this room who can testify that if I remove the jutsu right now, Sasuke won't try and kill Itachi?"

Silence.

"I didn't think so. The jutsu remains in place until the war is over and the Wargonians are sealed back in Wargonia with the blue orb smashed to pieces. Then, I will be happy to remove the jutsu and go back to conquering the world to good old-fashion way."

Suddenly, Shizune (Tsunade's right hand woman) got to her feet and cried, "I understand restraining Team Hebi, but what about the rest of us!"

Leader snorted. "And Shikamaru isn't planning the death of Hidan right now? What about Suna attempting to kill Deidara? The Akatsuki knows exactly how much it is hated."

The Akatsuki immediately started laughing (much to the horror of the other groups).

"Who wins as the most hated?" asked Dessie. "Deidara, Hidan, or Itachi?"

"Twenty one Deidara," said Kakuzu.

"Itachi," said Kisame. "Definitely Itachi."

"Hey!" cried Hidan. "Why is no one betting on me! I'm pretty damn hated!"

Dessie patted Hidan on the shoulder. "I'm sorry, but you haven't sacrificed enough people yet. Maybe after the war, you and I should go on a killing spree and see how long it takes to become more hated than Itachi and Deidara."

Hidan grinned. "Yee-haw! Let's do it!"

"This is ridiculous," said Sakura. "We're at peace right now and they're already planning to kill us all the moment this war is over."

Zetsu smirked and, for the first time, spoke. "Don't worry. We're not planning on killing all of us – just most of you. There have to be survivors to breed and make more food."

Rule Number Sixty-Nine: The Akatsuki does not honor peace treaties very well.

I laughed, clutching mu stomach as spasms of joy echoed through my muscles. "I remember why we keep Zetsu around…"

"Is she starting to fall for her husband?" asked Kate eagerly.

Dessie immediately turned around and patted Deidara on the shoulder. "I was always rooting for you, you know."

Deidara swatted Dessie's hand away and turned to Itachi. With a twisted smile on his face, Deidara patted Itachi on the shoulder and said, "Just so you know, I was always rooting for you – shame Hidan had to steal her away."

"Oh, _burned_!"

Somewhere on the other side of the council room, Tsunade smacked herself in the forehead and said, "And these are our all-powerful allies… I can't believe they killed some of our strongest shinobi."

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><p><strong>AN: I tried to make a boring War Council as entertaining as possible. I'm sorry if I failed, but this chapter is important to the plot and necessary. Oh well. Mwahahaha the Akatsuki are awful at peace treaties - let's kill them all the moment the treaty is over! mwahahaha (yeah, I love badass criminal organizations - you got a problem with that?) **

**Anyways, Review! Or you'll find yourself in the middle of a boring war council - with no sexy akatsuki to entertain you! *screams in horror* yeah... I'm a little psycho tonight...**


	70. Fondish Farewells

**_Summary of Events: _**After the War Council, the Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, and Konan are going to Konoha. And Hidan, Deidara, and Dessie are going into Wargonia to blow up the Wargonians' power source.

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy: Fondish Farewells<strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy: The Akatsuki aren't the types for good-byes._**

**Dessie**

A dusty wind gusted by and I raised a hand to hold down my hair. When one of those little tumbleweeds rolled past, I couldn't help but think that this scene seemed more like a showdown than a good-bye sequence. Rule Number Seventy: The Akatsuki aren't really the types for soppy good-byes – perhaps a good-old-fashion cowboy showdown was the closest they could get.

"Well…" said Deidara. "Time to go…"

"Yep," said Hannah. "See you."

"Wow…" muttered Kisame, keeping a firm arm wrapped around Kate's shoulders. "That was cold-hearted."

Deidara scowled and flipped Kisame off before turning to Leader and asking, "Are you sure I can't stay in Suna?"

Konan sighed. "We need you to go to Wargonian and blow their power source to smithereens – don't you want to go blow stuff up?"

That thought of chaos and destruction certainly cheered Deidara up, but he still looked slightly sad whenever he glanced at Hannah. Finally, Hannah got fed up and gave Deidara a rather rough, awkward hug before storming off in the other direction and muttering something about not getting killed.

"Wow…" I said. "Did I just see what I think I just saw."

"Quickly…" hissed Hidan. "Cover your eyes and pretend it's all a dream – this could be an ill omen of our doom – sent by the great god Jashin himself!"

"Shut up!" snapped Hannah from her spot beside Kakuzu.

Zetsu smiled and sidled over to where Hannah stood. When Deidara caught sight of him, Zetsu said, "Don't worry, Hannah and we will look after Suna well – much better than you ever could."

Deidara's eyes twitched.

"Oh…" cried Kisame. "Bitch fight!"

Kakuzu sighed. "I'm glad Deidara's leaving. I don't think I could spend time alone with Hannah, Deidara, and Zetsu – too many catfights to count."

"You can always have betting pools," pointed out Hannah.

A sly smile spread across Kakuzu's face. "I'm starting to like you…"

"…only now?" asked Hannah incredulously. "You're starting to like me _only now_?"

Kakuzu thought about this for a second and then nodded. "Yeah… so?"

"Nothing. I'm impressed. You certainly choose your friends wisely…" She glanced in the direction of Kate and me and added, "Wish I could do the same. Look where my choices got me."

"I see your point."

"Man…" said Kisame. "Can we ever have a conversation where we don't goad at one another endlessly?"

Kate smiled and elbowed Kisame in the ribs. He glanced down at her, a sly grin spreading across his face, and she said, "I can think of several conversations we've had where we didn't goad at one another at all…"

"Well, of course," said Kisame. "We're practically missionaries."

I mimed vomiting.

"I think to be missionaries you have to be virgins," said Hidan. "Otherwise you're a lie… And I don't think Jashin looks down kindly upon those who lie."

"I don't give a damn about your shitty god," snapped Kisame. "Let me have my little romantic moment with my girlfriend!"

Meanwhile, Kate was a brilliant shade of red and she shuffled nervously. "B-b-b-b-but Hidan… I _am_ a v-v-v-v…"

Hidan burst out laughing while Kisame clamped a hand over Kate's mouth and cried, "Don't say it! Don't say it!" But it was too late, the damage was done and the entire Akatsuki doubled up with laughter and was practically rolling on the ground.

"Kisame…" gasped Deidara. "I can't believe you have _ever_ not slept with your girl… Remember Kirina-chan…"

"Deidara!"

Kisame's hand was removed from Kate's mouth and she placed her hands on her hips, glaring at Kisame skeptically. "Who is Kirina-chan?"

Kisame kicked Deidara in the shin and muttered under his breath, "Don't make me severe your arms again…" Before he turned back to Kate with an awkward smile and said, "It's nothing… It happened a long time ago… for, um, Deidara's eighteenth birthday…"

"That was less than two years ago…" muttered Deidara.

"Shut it!"

"Wait a second…" said Hannah slowly. "Deidara… how old are you?"

"Nineteen…"

A wide grin spread over Hannah's face. "So you're younger than me..."

"Oh crap…"

"Deidara – from now on I expect you to refer to me as Hannah-senpai. And when I say jump, you say how high – understand?"

"Wait a second…" I said, raising a hand to stop everyone. "This doesn't make any sense. Hannah's going for the younger guy and Kate's going for the older guy – the _way_ older guy… I always thought it would be the other way around – what the hell!"

Hannah rolled her eyes. "Hidan! How old are you?"

"Twenty-two…"

"See Dessie, you're dating an older guy. There's a bigger gap between you and Hidan than there is between Deidara and I – _not_ that I have a romantic relationship with Deidara."

"Okay, then," I said. "Zetsu – how old are you?"

"…That is classified information."

I stared at him. Zetsu seemed dead serious and I didn't dare push things since he'd probably eat me. So, I turned back to the Akatsuki and said, "Shouldn't we be going… the Konoha Group and the Wargonia Group need to get their asses moving…"

"Coward…" muttered Hannah, but she was smiling.

"Right," said Kisame. "Well, Hannah, Dessie – good luck. You too Itachi… Um… yeah… That's all I really care about."

"What!" cried Hidan angrily. "You don't care if I live or die!"

"Well… Hidan, you are immortal so obviously you're going to live…" said Kisame.

"What if the Wargonians capture me and torture me until I am nothing more than twisted mangled corpse! You won't care then, Fish Fry!" screamed Hidan, drawing his scythe.

"No!" snapped Kisame. "Especially not when you're waving that thing in my face!"

Hidan was about to lob Kisame's head off when I stopped him. Instead, I turned to Kisame and said, "Thanks. We hope you and Kate come back in one piece too – though actually, I'm still travelling with you, aren't I?"

"Oh yeah…"

"The only people we need to say good-bye to are Hannah, Zetsu, Tobi, Itachi, and Kakuzu."

"Right…" Kisame turned around and gave Itachi a gigantic man-hug. "See you, buddy! I hope you come back in one piece and Sasuke doesn't kill you!"

"Hn."

"I hope the masses of Itachi fan-girls don't rise up and kill you, Kisame," I said grimly.

"Aw… Dessie's jealous that I get to hug Itachi without losing any important limbs," said Kisame and he hugest Itachi tighter. Itachi scowled, but made no struggle (probably still in shock from being hugged by a man).

"You forget," I said. "I've kissed Itachi before. And then dumped him…"

Tears suddenly welled up in Tobi's eyes and he sprinted across the desert sands to fling his arms around my neck. "DESSIE-NUNU! Tobi is going to miss Dessie-Nunu!"

"Ack! I – can't – breathe! Tobi! Gack!"

"Oopsie. Tobi is sorry…"

He let go of me and I gasped for breath. "Thanks…"

"Will Dessie-Nunu miss Tobi too?" He batted his one exposed eye in my direction.

"No."

Tobi let out a wail and flung his arms around my neck once again. I couldn't help but notice – as I struggled to breathe – that Tobi never once acknowledged Kate's existence…

Finally, after managing to pry Tobi off of me, Itachi patted me awkwardly on the head and said "hn" which – according to Kisame – meant that Itachi hoped I didn't die too horrible of a death. It's nice to know that after all we've been though Itachi cares how much suffering I go through when I die.

"Well…" Kakuzu nodded in our direction. "Dessie, stay alive – I still have to beat you in poker. And Kate… Kisame…"

"Yeah?"

"Keep it clean."

Kate's face turned bright red while Kisame cackled villainously. He leant over and whispered something perverted in Kate's ear and she squeaked, turning into Lava Girl again.

"Wait a second!" said Hidan.

Everyone stopped and tuned to stare.

"What is it?" asked Deidara.

"I need to tell Dessie something!"

I turned to stare at Hidan, unable to understand what on Earth or the Fence he was talking about. Hidan grabbed hold of my wrist and dragged me away from the Akatsuki. When we were far enough away that no one could eavesdrop, Hidan bent over and whispered in my ear.

Over Hidan's shoulder, I could see the Akatsuki talking amongst themselves in loud, obnoxious voices.

"What is he telling her?" asked Kakuzu curiously.

"Maybe – on the brink of a war – he's finally confessing his undying love for her," said Kisame hopefully.

"Somehow I don't think that's it…" said Hannah.

"We want to know," added Zetsu.

When Hidan was done, he stepped away and stared at me, rather seriously I stared back, my eyes slowly widening. I swallowed, once, twice, three times, unable to muster up the courage to reply. Then, slowly, I drew back my foot and kicked him in the shin.

"Ow!" cried Hidan, clutching his own shin. "What was that for!"

"Don't joke with me!" I snapped, then turned my back on him and marched back to the Akatsuki where I was immediately bombarded with questions.

"What was that about!" asked Kisame.

"Nothing."

"Tell us!" cried Kate, grabbing my hands and shaking them wildly. "What did Hidan say to you!"

Hidan hopped awkwardly, holding onto his many bits and cringing in pain. The Akatsuki gazed at him pitifully. Kisame, however, just grabbed hold of Hidan's shoulders and shook him violently, asking, "What did you say to Dessie!"

"F-f-f-f-f-f-f–" gasped Hidan. "LET ME GO!"

Kisame did so. Hidan stumbled back, still wincing in pain, and said, "You'll find out sooner or later."

I scoffed. "Never."

"What's going on here!" wailed Kisame.

"Hn."

"Not you too, Itachi!"

"What?" asked Kate confusedly. "What's going on?"

Kisame scowled. "Itachi's sharingan allows him to read lips. He doesn't know what Hidan said to Dessie, but he knows what Dessie said back… So now he's in on the secret too. Tell me, Itachi!"

"Hn."

"Asshole."

Hidan and I breathed a sigh of relief and mentally, I think Itachi over and over again.

"Well," said Leader. "As curious as we all are, no one's telling – so get your asses moving."

Kisame grumbled under his breath, but with salute to Hannah and Itachi, he turned around and headed towards the old hideout where we would meet up with the Konoha Party and the rest of the Wargonia Party. For a moment, I watched his blue figure make its way through the desert sands and then I turned back to regard the four remaining behind.

"Now," said Leader. "You all are representing the Akatsuki and I expect you to be on your best behavior. Thankfully, you are the sanest of the Akatsuki, so we might not be humiliated too much."

"Yeah," muttered Konan. "The most insane of the Akatsuki have the most important mission."

"That's why we're insane," explained Dessie.

Leader and Konan ignored me. Instead, they turned and left without as much as a look over their shoulders.

"Well," said Deidara grimly. "I can't believe I'm saying this… but, don't go boom any time soon, uhn."

Hannah stared at Deidara in surprise and then burst out in raptures of laughter "I think I might have another heart attack… Did Deidara just tell someone _not_ to explode? What is this!"

"I was just walking to you," said Deidara. "Zetsu can blow up his ass any time he wants to."

Hannah snickered. "There we go, the old Deidara is back. And don't worry, I happen to like living, so going boom any time soon is a big fat no."

"Yeah, yeah," I said, pushing Deidara away. All I got was a handful of blond hair. "Get a room, you two. This is a farewell party not a 'let's flirt with the girl I like and finally get laid' party."

Deidara grabbed a piece of clay out of his pouch and tried to shove it in my mouth; however, Hidan saved me with his scythe and the two of them sprinted after Leader, Konan, and Kisame, laughing and shouting death threats the whole way. Soon, only Kate and I remained.

Tobi started to cry and he flung his arms around my neck once again, weeping freely on my shoulder. I sighed and patted his head awkwardly, while turning to Zetsu. "Look after Hannah, okay Two-Face?"

Zetsu snorted. "We don't need you to tell us."

"Good."

Tobi lifted his face from my shoulder and cried louder. "Tobi will miss Dessie-Nunu! Dessie-Nunu had better not die!"

"I won't," I said. "I promise. Now go be a good boy, Tobi."

Tobi smiled and turned on his heels. Suddenly, he turned around and gave Kate a quick, awkward hug.

Kate looked as stunned as I felt. Tobi… Tobi was _hugging_ Kate. Blasphemy!

But as soon as Tobi had hugged her, he had let go and made his way back to the others. Kakuzu, Zetsu, Itachi, and Tobi left back to Suna and only Hannah, Kate, and I remained for our first true good-bye since our arrival in the Fence.

"Well…" said Kate. "Who would have thought we'd end up here?"

"Oh, I did," I said. "Ever since I was a little girl I knew I was going to grow up to be a Warg-worshipping, psychopathic, fake Akatsuki whore who is about to travel into a different dimension to stop the Fence from being annihilated."

"…Yeah, I totally saw that coming."

I laughed, and suddenly we were all laughing. After a good three minutes of gasping and wheezing and trying to catch our breath, we stood upright. Without a single word exchanged, I saluted Hannah. I left. And, with a quick hug, Kate followed me. The Akatsuki maybe be bad at farewells, but we're worse.

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><p><strong>AN: Believe it or not, this is a very important chapter. You will eventually find out what Hidan told Dessie, but not yet, because that would ruin the surprise. But remember. Hidan told Dessie something in chapter 70. Anyways, awwww Deidara and Hannah and Zetsu are so cute! Kate and Kisame get to stay together so whatever, but Hannah and Deidara must part ways - and of course Zetsu has to lord it over Deidara that he gets to stay. Mwahahahaha**

**Now please review. I won't update until this chapter as 20+ reviews (how's that for a threat?) **


	71. Infiltrating Home

**_Summary of Events: _**After the War Council, the Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, and Konan are going to Konoha. And Hidan, Deidara, and Dessie are going into Wargonia to blow up the Wargonians' power source.

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-One: Infiltrating Home<strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy-One: Don't try to explain concern to an S-ranked criminal_**

**Kate**

I peeked through the leaves of the three out at the hideout. The masses of Wargonians troops have grown. They have become a force to be reckoned with. Tents upon tents lined up with gray-skinned, white-haired men walking about, talking, laughing, and eating. The last time I was here, the Wargonian troops numbered somewhere in the thousands, now they were some ten times that.

"We have to sneak past _that_?" asked Deidara incredulously.

"Yep."

Deidara snorted. "No wonder Tsuande, Kakashi, and Naruto ran on ahead – those _cowards_."

Sakura rounded on him angrily, drawing back her fist as if to hit him. I cringed, but Gai stopped Sakura from hitting Deidara (not that she could have) and instead turned her focus to the task at hand.

"We can disguise ourselves…" said Gai, but that will only get us so far."

Dessie snorted. "_You_ can disguise yourself. I'm not a shinobi and neither is Kate."

"Kate doesn't have to sneak in," pointed Kisame. "You do."

"We can overcome that," said Leader simply. "Deidara and Dessie will go by air. Hidan, Gai, Sakura, Neji, Temari, and Suigetsu… Temari, Gai, and Neji will disguise themselves as Wargonians. Suigetsu can travel by water – which will get him close to the hideout. Hidan..."

"Yeah, yeah…" he muttered. "Charge in head first and try not to end up decapitated."

"No. We want to use as much stealth as possible. I want you to disguise yourself too. Sakura will travel by bird with Deidara and Dessie. The bird is disguisable as natural."

Gai nodded. "Alright, that is a youthful plan. Normally, it is not youthful to be stealthy, but you can pull it off."

Leader ignored him. "Kisame, Konan, and I will be back up."

Dessie rolled her eyes. "Especially since none of the Konoha people – except those on the mission – all fled."

"We do have a homeland to defend!" snapped Sakura. "Weren't all the Akatsuki members, um, kicked out of their homelands?"

I sighed heavily and rested a hand on Sakura's shoulder. She pushed my hand away and turned to glare at me. I ignored her glare and said, softly, "That is our homeland." I waved my hand at the masses of Wargonian troops surrounding the hideout. "And now we're trying to help your homeland from ending up the same way."

There was a pause. Sakura's glare faded slightly.

Suddenly, a muscular arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me backwards. I looked up to see Kisame's grinning face above me. "That's my girl," he said. "Don't mess with her – she's use _reason _and _emotion_ to win you over." He cracked up.

"Careful now," said Konan. "Any more teasing and you'll find yourself dumped."

"You're dating?" asked Neji incredulously.

"Yeah," said Kisame, suddenly defensive. "What's it to you?"

"Aren't you old enough to be her grandfather?" asked Gai. "That's not very youthful."

"Will you shut up about youth, uhn?" asked Deidara angrily.

"It's only twelve years difference!" I cried. "People used to marry _much_ older men – and it's very youthful!"

"Uhn."

"Don't you go being like Itachi," snapped Kisame. "It's not youthful or artistic."

"Now that," said Deidara. "I can understand, uhn."

"Alright," said Dessie. "Enough insults. Time to go infiltrate our home."

I remained sitting in the tree, watching hesitantly as the plan too action. Kisame sat beside me, watching with equal interest. However, unlike me, Kisame's interest came from excitement and jealousy – where as I was just plan terrified. Not for myself, but for my friends.

The first part of the plan seemed to be going well. A group of four Wargonians (or so it seemed) made their way to camp. A giant white bird flew over head, hiding Deidara, Dessie, and Sakura from view.

From what I could see, Deidara allowed Dessie to hold on to his shoulder so that she couldn't fall. Sakura, however, he forced to stand at the back of the bird and rely on her own chakra to hold on. Dessie and Deidara seemed to be holding a conversation, both of them laughing, while Sakura looked as though she wanted to jump off the back of the bird, never mind the mission. I had the sneaking suspicion that Dessie and Deidara were joking about just that.

"Do you see Suigetsu?" I asked.

Kisame pointed down. "There's a pond by the hideout, remember?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"He's waiting there. When the others drop by, he'll join their party disguised as a Wargonian."

"Oh. Fun…"

Kisame grinned. "Of course." He caught sight of my worried expression and took my hand in his, still grinning. "Don't worry. They'll have fun with this – not everyone is as easily scared as you."

"Remember what I said about dumping," said Konan.

"Heard you loud and clear the first time, Konan," said Kisame. He gave my hand a squeeze. "Right, Kate?"

Mutely, I nodded.

"Something's going on down in the camp…"

I glanced at Leader, and then back at the camp. Several Wargonians were talking to Gai, Neji, Temari, and Hidan. I couldn't hear what they were arguing about, but Gai wasn't happy.

Deidara dipped his bird closer, straining to hear what was being said.

"Should we help them?" I asked timidly.

"Not yet," said Leader. "Deidara will signal me if they need backup."

I leaned forward, still clinging to Kisame's hand, and stared out at the Wargonian camp. The argument between Gai and the Wargonians had heated up and Hidan stepped in – whenever Hidan steps in, bad things are sure to happen. One of the Wargonians threw a punch and suddenly the disguises were wrecked. Gai, Hidan, Temari, and Neji all appeared at once, in their normal forms.

Sakura screamed something at them – probably "Run!"

There was an explosion and several Wargonians' heads went flying.

All hell broke loose down in the camp. Suigetsu leapt out of his pool and began taking off limbs, heads, eyes, ears, and anything else his sword could touch. Deidara set of bombs like crazy, sending the enemy into crazed turmoil. As Temari blew them all away, Gai's speed combined with Neji's jutsus - throw in the an immortal Hidan and it was a pure chaotic hell down there.

"We should do something," I said.

"Deidara hasn't given the signal," said Leader. "They're fine. We're here only if there is a major emergency."

I gritted my teeth and turned back to watch.

Sakura had fallen off the bird and was now punching every Wargonia she could get her hands on. Dessie and Deidara continued to fly above, bombing the Wargonians –

Arrow fire… The Wargonians were firing at Dessie and Deidara. Deidara's bird managed to dodge most of the arrows, but one struck Dessie in the shoulder. She let out a cry of pain and toppled backwards off the bird.

I gasped.

She was caught by Hidan inches from the ground. He said something and she replied.

Gai shouted at the top of his lungs and suddenly the entire party was running in the direction of the hideout with Deidara and his gigantic bird swooping over head. Everyone rushed inside, and Deidara hopped off his bird and sprinted into the building, blowing up the bird as he went inside.

I couldn't see what was going on for several minutes. Wargonians were running inside, and then… Everything was on fire.

I gasped. "They're burning down the hideout!"

"Come on!" cried Kisame. "Kakuzu's going to kill us… You know how much we paid for that stupid hideout…"

"Can't we just kill the guys who sold it to us?" Konan asked. "And then get our money back?"

"Oh yeah…"

"The hideout is on fire!" I screamed. "And everyone is inside!"

Kisame clamped a hand over my mouth. "Calm down, Kate. Remember, we are hiding from the Wargonians. Don't worry. Hidan's immortal and do you really think he'd let Dessie die? And Deidara's a pyromaniac, he's probably ranting about what a beautiful explosion that was…"

I pried Kisame's hand off my mouth and managed a weak smile. "Yeah… But what about everyone else?"

"…What about them?"

"What if they die?"

Kisame still looked puzzled. "Then they die… Are you trying to be like Hidan and Dessie and have a religion?"

"…Never mind."

"Okay…"

Rule Number Seventy-One: Never try to explain concern and worry to an S-ranked criminal – he just won't understand.

"Kisame! Kate!"

My head jerked up, just in time to see a Wargonian jumping at us. I screamed, and covered my head, while Kisame whipped out his sword and blocked the Wargonian's attack. The Wargonian leapt away before Kisame could counter attack.

Konan leapt across the tree and formed a sword out of paper. The Wargonian swung his glaive around, but Kisame blocked it with his sword. Konan charged and – before the Wargonian could defend himself – Konan slashed him through the middle. I watched, in wide-eyed horror, as the Wargonian toppled over and feel from the tree branch, stone dead.

"We need a new hiding spot," said Leader.

Konan nodded and the two hurried away. Kisame lifted me onto his back and carried me. We reached the rendezvous point and waited. We couldn't see what was going on at the camp any more. It made me more nervous. Kisame placed me on the ground beneath the branches of a large oak tree. He gave me a quick hug and turned away, embarrassed (a frightening shark-man criminal should not be seen tenderly hugging his girlfriend).

"You think they're okay…?" I asked.

Neither Leader nor Konan reply. Kisame, however, lied as necessary.

We waited in silence. A whole ten minutes ticked by and no one showed up. My heart pounded wildly. Were they dead or alive… Did they all make it to Wargonia? Perhaps that's why they haven't shown up…

"Ten more minutes," said Leader. "Then we're going."

"Going where, you shithead of a Leader?"

My heart leapt as I turned to see who had made it to the rendezvous point. Hidan stood, his body completely soaked in blood and several nasty cuts healing at a rapid pace. Behind him, Temari hobbled along, supporting a blood-soaked Neji.

"He's alive," observed Leader.

"Of course," said Hidan. "Otherwise we would have left the asshole to rot. I wanted to leave him anyways but _she_," Hidan jerked a thumb in the direction of Temari, "Wouldn't let me. The bitch."

"What about everyone else?" I asked desperately.

Hidan nodded. "The shitheads made it. All alive – even the bastards from Konoha. And in near one piece."

"Dessie's fine?"

"Duh."

I sighed in relief. "So that's done then…"

"We need to get back to Konoha," said Temari. "He'll die if we don't hurry."

"And we have one hell of an army chasing after us," added Hidan.

Leader nodded. Once again, Kisame lifted me onto his back and we were all running through the forest again in the direction of Konoha. Hidan caught up beside us, his wounds almost fully healed now. He grinned in my direction and said, "You still freaking out?"

"I will always be freaking out…" I muttered.

"Don't worry… Dessie's as kickass as always."

Kisame grinned and shifted me on his back. "So you're definitely in love with her then?"

"No, asshole. I'm not."

"You are."

"Shut up. I'm not."

"Liar."

Hidan drew his scythe, preparing to strike Kisame dead with it. However, Kisame dodged quickly and Hidan put the scythe away.

We continued in the direction of Konoha, and could only hope that Konoha was ready for the war it was about to encounter. Already in my mind I could see masses of Wargonians running through the village as the light of Wargonia glowed ever brighter. Yeah, our survival sort of depended on Dessie and Deidara succeeding.

"Oh Warg…" I groaned. "We're in trouble…"

"What?" asked Kisame.

"Our survival depends on the success of Dessie and Deidara…"

"We're screwed," said Hidan

Kisame screamed.

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><p><strong>AN: hahahaa I love the ending. Poor Dessie and Deidara, no one has any faith in them. This was a very action oriented chapter, except it is told from the point of view of someone far away from the action. Certainly gives a different perspective. And, surprisingly enough, the more I wrote this, the more I realized that Deidara and Dessie are actually good friends. Hmm... Makes things more fun. Hidan is not going to Wargonia with them - mwahahahaha - but you don't like that!**

**Anyways, review. My threat from last time worked so I will use it again with another threat - THE DOUBLE WHAMMY! 1) I wil only update when I receive 20+ reviews and 2) REVIEW OR HIDAN AND DESSIE WILL NEVER END UP TOGETHER! MWAHAHAHAHAHA**


	72. Calm Before the Storm

**_Summary of Events: _**After the War Council, the Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, and Konan are going to Konoha. The Wargonian armies are approaching.

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Two: Calm Before the Storm<strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy-Two: Tobi is a freak_**

**Hannah**

Sitting on top of Suna's wall and gazing down at the dusty desert, I cannot help but feel that it is beautiful here. I can understand why Dessie would want a summer home here – and another one in Konoha. However, I get the feeling that no one would let us buy one. While being a fake-Akatsuki whore has it's perks, but it doesn't make you the most popular person in the world.

"Hannah."

I didn't even need to look to know what Akatsuki member was looming over my shoulder. "Zetsu, sit down. You leaning over me is terrifying."

Zetsu lowered himself to the ground and sat down beside me. A leg was hanging out of his mouth as he chewed on it rather viciously. I glanced at it and wondered where he found a human leg – surely Gaara wouldn't be very happy about it.

"It's an animal," said Zetsu.

"Sure…" I muttered, disbelieving.

"The Kazekage received a message saying that Dessie, Deidara, Gai, Sakura, and Suigetsu made it through the portal. Hidan, Neji, and Temari are heading to Konoha. Neji was in bad shape and Hidan would have been if he wasn't immortal."

I smiled. "Good ol' Hidan. You got to love that immortal bastard."

Zetsu frowned.

"Not romantically," I reassured him (it's difficult to be loved by Zetsu). "He belongs to Dessie, remember?"

Zetsu nodded in relief.

We sat in silence for a minute. A chilly desert breeze rushed through and I turned my face into it to stop my hair from flying into my face. There were many shinobi guarding the wall. They kept their eyes peeled for any sight of the Wargonian army approaching. So far, there had been no sign, but I knew it was coming. The war was near.

"It's the calm before the storm."

"Huh?" I turned to look at Zetsu. "What?"

"It's the calm before the storm," recreated Zetsu patiently. "The quiet before the massive bloodshed and dead bodies… Mmm… Dead bodies…"

"Please refrain from talking about dead bodies in my presence."

Zetsu nodded. "Sorry."

"Yeah. I'm just not a cannibal. I have no problem with people _being_ cannibals… Just not around me…"

Zetsu nodded in enthusiastic agreement. "Of course. It's like we're not a eunuch, but we have no issues with someone being one."

"Er… yeah… like that…" I smiled. "Hey, Zetsu. Why do you like me?"

There was a pause. Zetsu blinked. "Because you're the only woman willing to marry us. You weren't offended by our monstrous appearance. We will protect you, though. Until the death we will protect you. Through sickness and health and from ashes to ashes, you are the most important person to us. Even if we have to give up human meat all together, we will do it for you–"

"Hannah-Nunu!"

Zetsu's protection rant was interrupted by the arrival of Tobi. Tobi threw his arms around my neck and giggled gleefully. "Tobi missed Hannah-Nunu!"

"I thought you were sleeping," I said.

"Tobi woke up and Hannah-Nunu wasn't in the room. Tobi got scared and went looking for Hannah-Nunu."

"Oh… right… sorry about that."

Tobi giggled. "Hannah-Nunu isn't sorry!"

"Nope. Not at all."

Suddenly, a very sad expression crossed Tobi's face. I glanced at him inquisitively, wondering what could have upset him _now. _Finally, after a good five minutes of sulking, Tobi said, "There's no flower chain in Hannah-Nunu's hair. Hannah-Nunu looks prettiest with a flower chain."

"I've never worn one of your flower chains," I pointed out.

"But Hannah-Nunu would look so pretty with one…"

I sighd and carefully detached Tobi from me. He sat down beside me and immediately used my shoulder as a pillow. Smiling slightly (something I will never do again when Tobi uses me as a pillow), I said, "Tell you what. If I survive this war, I will wear a flower chain you made for an hour – _but for one hour only_."

Tobi giggled gleefully. "Pretty Hannah-Nunu!"

"Yeah, yeah…" I muttered.

"Hannah's pretty with or without a flower chain," said Zetsu.

"But she'd be even prettier with one!" cried Tobi. "Hannah-Nunu is like a pretty flower. She's all sunshine and pretty and bright…"

I stared at Tobi. "_I_'m sunshine…and pretty… and bright…? What the…?"

Tobi grinned and nuzzled against my shoulder. "Uh-huh. That's why Tobi likes Hannah-Nunu so much!"

"Er… Whatever you say Tobi, you're sure you don't have me confused with Kate?"

"Tobi is sure."

"What is Tobi sure of?"

"Hey, Kakuzu," I said. "Dang. It's pretty pathetic when I can tell you all apart by just the sound of your voice – apparently you all talk to much."

"Or maybe you listen too much," said Kakuzu coming to stand behind me. "Anyone up for some bets?"

"Like what?"

"Like I bet ten bucks that I can kill more Wargonians than you."

I snorted. "I bet ten bucks you can kill more Wargonians than me too. At least make it a reasonable bet that even an idiot would make."

"Tobi would make that bet."

"Tobi is worse than an idiot," I said. "I'll bet you that Itachi can kill more Wargonians than you."

Kakuzu groaned. "I'm not stupid either."

"Exactly."

"Fine. I bet that when they get back from Wargonia, Deidara is going to be missing an arm."

I glanced at Kakuzu. "Um… sure. Why would you make that bet?"

Tobi giggled. "Deidara-senpai is prone to losing arms."

Even Zetsu snickered at this. "After he fought the nine-tails and Kakashi, Deidara was missing both arms. So he tried to suffocate Tobi… with his legs." Zetsu laughter doubled. "We saw it all."

I grinned. "Of course Deidara would do that."

Zetsu suddenly stopped laughing. His yellow eyes were dead serious. "You're not in love with Deidara, are you, Hannah?'

I blinked. "What are you talking about? You thought I was in love with Hidan, too, remember? Besides, why would I fall in love with Deidara. The pyromaniac tried to blow me up… on multiple occasions."

"And you knocked him out with a frying pan on multiple occasions," said Kakuzu. "Does it matter?"

"Kakuzu… Not helping…"

"I know. That's the idea."

Struck with a sudden idea, I looked around and then asked Tobi, "Where is Itachi?"

Tobi sat upright and smiled at me. "Back at the apartment."

"Go get him, we need to have a group moment here," I commanded.

Tobi jumped to his feet and sprinted off to go find Itachi. Kakuzu took Tobi's seat and asked, "Why do you want to see Itachi so badly?"

"I don't. But I got you Tobi's seat, didn't I?"

Kakuzu chuckled. "Devious."

"I know. I have to say it's one of my finer qualities."

Zetsu smiled. "We'd hate to see the rest of them. They must be awful."

I nodded in agreement. "They are. Absolutely dreadful. Most of them result in someone else's death or some sort of brutal torture…"

"You're very scary, aren't you Hannah," said Zetsu.

A wry smile crossed my face. "And you're one to talk."

"I'm confused…" said Zetsu slowly. He looked to Kakuzu for help, but Kakuzu had no intention of explaining anything. In fact, Kakuzu seemed suddenly very preoccupied with the sunset ahead of us. I followed his gaze, but saw nothing there except the desert sands.

"Wha–?"

"Tobi has brought Itachi-senpai!"

I glanced over my shoulder to see Tobi, in his obnoxiously orange mask, dragging Itachi along the top of the wall by the collar. Itachi looked quite unhappy. Tobi came to a rest standing behind me and suddenly, he froze, his whole body sagging miserably.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Kakuzu-senpai stole Tobi's seat…"

I glanced at Tobi, and then at Kakuzu, and then back up at Tobi. "Tobi," I said. "Good boys must learn to share."

"Oh… So if Tobi sits on Kakuzu's lap, then Tobi is sharing?"

"Whoa!" said Kakuzu, jumping to his feet. "You can have the seat, Tobi. Bad boys like Kakuzu don't share."

Tobi was practically beaming through his mask as he sat down next to me. "Thank you, Kakuzu-senpai! Tobi will never forget senpai's kindness!"

"Don't mention it…" muttered Kakuzu. "Ever."

"Hn."

"Itachi," I said. "Kisame is not here to translate; you need to speak regular English so that us mere mortals can understand you."

"Hidan's an immortal," pointed out Tobi. "And he can't understand Itachi-senpai."

"Hidan isn't a senpai?" I asked, ignoring Tobi's comment.

"Senpai? Hidan?" Tobi shook his head. "Hidan is a bad, bad senpai. He is a very bad boy. Tobi is a good boy. Tobi won't look up to Hidan."

I grinned. "But what if Hidan and Dessie got married. Dessie is a good girl, right? She's a nunu. And Hidan is a bad boy. Can a good girl like a bad boy? Or will Dessie turn into a bad girl if she marries Hidan?"

Tobi shook his head. "Dessie is a nunu! Dessie is a nunu! She's a bad nunu, but a very nice nunu."

"Er…"

"ITACHI UCHIHA!"

In unison, we all groaned as we turned to see Sasuke walking swiftly along the wall. His sword was drawn and pointing directly at Itachi. A soft wind rustled Sasuke's duck-ass hair and made him look slightly less threatening than he really was. As he approached out group, Itachi sighed and reluctantly faced his brother.

"Hn."

"You kill our clan," said Sasuke. "You annihilated them – just like I'll annihilate you!"

"Hn."

"I think that translates as 'I'd like to see you try'," said Kakuzu.

"I'm an Uchiha!" screamed Sasuke. "I think I understand the 'hn' language better than any of you!"

"We object," said Zetsu. "We're pretty sure Kisame understands 'hn' language better than you. Kisame is fluent."

"Well I don't see Kisame here," sneered Sasuke. "Now do you mind, I need to get back to killing Itachi."

Kakuzu sighed. "Anyone want to take bets on who wins out of Itachi and Sasuke?"

"I'll bet everything on Itachi," I said.

Kakuzu was practically drooling at the mention of 'everything'. He turned to Itachi and went down on both knees. "Itachi! Itachi! Please lose to your brother on purpose so that I can get all that money… I'll even give you… ten percent…"

"Hn."

"Is that a yes? Good." Kakuzu turned back to me. "I'll take that bet."

"You're all assholes!" cried Sasuke. "He killed my clan! Our parents! Our friends! He killed them all! Everyone except me! He chose me to be an avenger – and by being an avenger, he chose how he shall die–"

Itachi whacked Sasuke in the side of the head, mid-rant. Sasuke stumbled backwards, but before he could recover his footing, Itachi sharinganed his ass. I feel no need to describe the actions scene. Itachi has red-eyes and Sasuke has red-eyes. Itachi's red-eyes owned Sasuke's red-eyes every time. End of story.

"So," I said, turning to Kakuzu. "Are you going to pay up?"

But Kakuzu was gone. Instead, he was trying to strange Itachi while they stood over Sasuke's unconscious body.

"What – were – you – thinking!" screamed Kakuzu. "All – that – money! Why!"

I rolled my eyes. "Pathetic. Just pay up, Kakuzu."

"Never!"

"Don't make me set Zetsu on you. Because you know I will."

I glanced at Zetsu and he immediately filled his role by turning to face Kakuzu and saying, "Om-nom-nom-nom."

"Warg…" muttered Kakuzu. "Why is everyone I know such a freak?"

"Tobi isn't a freak! Tobi is a good boy."

(insert large amount of laughter here. Rule Number Seventy-Two: Tobi is a freak – though it makes a wonderful joke to say that Tobi is completely normal. … Insert more laughter here)

"Tobi thinks everyone is mean."

I opened my mouth to reply, but at that very moment, a loud cry rose amongst the ranks at the wall. "The Wargonian army is here!"

My heart skipped a beat and I turned to see as the masses of gray slowly approached the walls of Suna. Shinobi rushed to defend the walls, their weapons at the ready for the first strike. The calm was over and now, the storm had arrived.

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><p><strong>AN: I know I didn't update at 20 reviews, but that was because I was out of town. My friend and I drove to another town to go see Harry Potter at midnight with friends. mwahahaha Harry Potter Magical Margarita Midnight Madness Maraudering Mischief Managed. We went on a scavenger hunt to see how many different Harry Potter characters we could find being cosplayed. hen, we went into three different theaters and announced ourselves as "representatives of the Magical Law Enforcement investigating the use of Underage Magic - has anyone blown up an aunt recently?" We actually ended up "arresting" someone for use of underage magic. Yep. Good times.**

**Anyways, I updated. This chapter is rather uneventful, because I'm between the start of the war and not the war... but the action will begin soon.**

**Oh, and on my profile page is a link leading to MY FIRST FAN ART! Thank of kippy10009! It shows images of Hidan and Dessie where Hidan gets Dessinated. Go check itout!**

**Please review?**


	73. Don't Mess with the Dess

**_Summary of Events: _**After the War Council, the Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrive in Wargonia.

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Three: Don't Mess with the Dess<strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy-Three: Don't underestimate a fake Akatsuki whore_**

**Dessie**

"Urg."

I taste rocks in my mouth. I hate rocks. Have you ever tasted rocks? It's not pleasant. It tastes like… dust… and rocks… yeah…

"Where… are we?"

I opened my eyes and found myself staring at – surprise, surprise – dust and rocks. Slowly rubbing my aching muscles I sat up and looked around. I was lying between two massive boulders in a mountain goat path. I wasn't the only one here, though. Gai, Sakura, Suigetsu, and Deidara wee here as well. Gai and Suigestu were already awake and were trying to bring Sakura back to reality.

"You're up," observed Suigetsu.

"Yeah, yeah, bitch," I said. "It's nice to see you were so concerned." I got to my feet and looked around. The boulders were too high for me to see anything.

"The Wargonian army is just over the ledge," explained Gai. "But this goat path leads towards the city."

"So this is Wargonia…" said Suigetsu

"Yep."

"It looks like…" He stared around vaguely, trying to find a word to describe the wasteland of Wargonia.

"Shit?" I suggested.

"Sure, let's go with that."

Sakura groaned and slowly sat up. Her face was scratched up as if she has been attacked by a cat and there was a nasty cut on her arm. She looked around, finally managing to find her voice. "Where are we?"

"Wargonia," supplied Gai. "A less than youthful place…"

Sakura looked around a little more. "Where's Neji and Temari?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's kind of you to be so concerned about Hidan. What if something awful happened to him – wouldn't you be the least bit sad?"

"Isn't it your job to be worried about him?" asked Sakura snarkily. "I've had to attend far too many funerals thanks to you and _you lot_."

"Oh great…" I muttered. "The Akatsuki is now my lot. Listen, bitch. The Akatsuki is no one's lot. And trust me when I say I have been more to more than my fair share of funerals – but guess what! I don't give a damn about you and your miseries. Funerals are a bitch – get over it."

"You…"

"And by the way," I added. "When this peace treaty is over, watch your back. _My lot_ isn't the friendliest of sorts."

"Are you threatening me!" asked Sakura incredulously.

I laughed. "No, I'm arranging to have a tea party with you, silly."

Sakura staggered to her feet and began to draw a kunai out of her pocket. However, Gai grabbed hold of her wrist to stop her. A serious look crossed Gai's face and he said, grimly, "We have a mission to complete. We can argue and kill later, but for now, the mission takes priority. Once Deidara wakes up…"

"I can handle that," I said. Without so much as a pause, I walked over to where Deidara lay sleeping and kicked him – rather roughly – in the side.

Immediately, Deidara leapt to his feet, reaching wildly for his clay and crying, "Bang! Bang! What's going on! Bang!"

"Nice, Deidara…" I muttered." Very mature."

He paused. Blinked. And looked around. "Whoa… We're back in this hell hole…"

"Yeah. Oh. And Hidan didn't make it. Neither did Neji or Temari."

"Hidan? The rest are worthless pieces of shit, uhn," said Deidara. He looked around at the others and sighed. "Everyone's a worthless piece of shit."

"Thanks…" I muttered. "At least you're honest."

"I was excluding you, uhn. Anyways, why are we standing around here?"

"We were waiting for you to wake up so we could get moving," said Sakura, stiffly. "But apparently since we're 'worthless pieces of shit' we shouldn't have bothered."

"They're finally figuring it out, uhn," said Deidara.

Suigetsu grinned. "Well this is entertaining."

I nodded in agreement and started walking down the goat path in the direction of the city. "It's like World War Three over here…"

"What's that?" asked Suigetsu, catching up to me.

I smiled and batted my eyelashes. "Wouldn't you like to know, Snow-Hottie?"

* * *

><p>I wrapped my arms tighter around Gai's neck and sighed. This was so humiliating. Deidara couldn't carry me because he's a lightweight and 'I'm too heavy' – hello! There's only five foot of me! It's the breast, right? That's what makes me seem fat. Hmph. Anyways, Deidara wouldn't carry me. And then Suigetsu has to carry his stupid sword. And no way in hell and I going to ask Sakura to carry me – so instead I am sitting on the back of Konoha's green beast in all his spandexed glory. (I am permanently scarred for life).<p>

"You're not even a shinobi, but you come on this mission with us?" sneered Sakura.

"Yeah, yeah – I suck. Shut up, Ho."

Sakura scowled.

"Question," said Suigetsu. "Why does Sakura hate Dessie so much?"

"It's because I'm part of the Akatsuki," I explained. "And we kill a lot of people… Or it could be because I've kissed Sasuke way more times than her."

Sakura's jaw was some where about ground level. "W-w-w-what are y-y-you talking about?"

I rolled my eyes and my chin bumped uncomfortably against Gai's back. "I hang out with Kate – I know when a girl likes a guy. Naruto and Sasuke, huh? Aren't you building up quite the harem?"

Sakura was turning redder by the minute.

Suigetsu, however, laughed." Oh yeah. You've made out with Sasuke quite a lot. Why don't I ever get any kisses?" He puckered out his lips in my direction and then laughed.

"If you'd have carried me you would have gotten all the kisses you wanted," I snapped.

Suigetsu smiled. "You versus the sword and the sword wins every time."

"Great…"

"What's the point of bringing along someone who isn't a shinobi?" asked Sakura. "In fact, why is someone who isn't a shinobi in the Akatsuki? Can you even use chakra?"

I sighed. "No…

"Shhh!"

Gai came to a halt (forcing my head to ram into the back of his neck – ewww), and the others came to stop beside us. I tried to peer over Gai's shoulders to see what was going on, but his bowl haircut got in the way. Finally, Gai lowered me to the ground and I moved around him.

Immediately, I saw what everyone was gazing at. The goat path took a sudden downward turn with steep, rocky shards jutting out in all directions. And then, at the bottom of that sharp incline, three Wargonians were patrolling the area.

"Oh shit…" I murmured.

"Bang-Bang?" asked Deidara.

I considered. "How about we do the Bang-and-Drop?'

He grinned and began shaping a piece of clay into a bird. The others looked confused and exchanged puzzled glances. Finally, Gai worked up the courage to ask, "What's the Bang-and-Drop?"

Deidara and I grinned up at him, flashing all of our white teeth. "You'll see…"

Deidara brought his bird to full size and the two of up hopped onto the back. With a quick salute to the other, I held onto Deidara's shoulder and the bird leapt off the ledge and soared downwards towards the Wargonians. We plummeted going faster and faster until – at the very last second – Deidara pulled the bird upright and dropped several spider-bombs on the heads of the Wargonians.

"Katsu!" he cried and behind us the bombs exploded in fire and ash.

As the bird soared low along the ground, I leapt off the back and made a stop-drop-and-roll landing along the ground. When the rolling motion had stopped, I staggered to my feet and rushed into the crowd of Wargonians. Deidara had killed two of them and the third one was coughing on smoke and ash. I rushed up to him and kicked him in the side of the head. His eyes rolled back and he toppled over, unconscious.

"Bang-and-Drop success, uhn," said Deidara, coming up behind me.

"As always," I agreed.

Gai, Sakura, and Suigetsu hopped down the slope (damn, their ninja skills) and came to rest beside Deidara and me. Gai was grinned and offered me a high-five, saying, "Now that is the power of youth!"

Of course, I ignored his high-five.

"Congrats and successfully completing a stealth mission, Deidara," I said.

He rolled his eyes. "I fail one time and _everyone_ has to know, uhn. Stupid Tobi…"

I grinned. Gai had turned his attentions to the unconscious Wargonian.

"He'll be unconscious for a few hours," I said thoughtfully. "Tie him up and after that you can interrogate him for ways into the city. The other two are dead, no need to worry about them."

Slowly, begrudgingly, Sakura said, "So you have some uses…"

I grinned. Rule Number Seventy-Three: "Don't mess with the Dess."

I'm pretty sure Deidara face-palmed himself at that comment while Gai practically squealed with delight at my moment of epic youth. He could 'see the spirit of green youth flowing through my veins and – if we ever get back to Konoha alive – he will make me a green spandex suit'. I politely declined with a "Hell no!"

* * *

><p>The Wargonian night sky was very different from the one on Earth or the one in the Fence. The sky was a deep, inky shade of purple and the stars glowed red against eh sky. A world soaked in blood.<p>

The others were sleeping while I took the first watch. Gai was snoring loudly and so was one of Deidara's mouths. It made of sort of lyrical tune with one deep snore followed by a high pitched one, and then another deep grunt. I listened to the symphony of snore for a minute and then turned my attentions to something else. Suigetsu slept with his arms wrapped around his sword. Finally, there was Sakura – but she wasn't asleep…

"Can't sleep?" I asked.

She glanced at me, her green eyes glowing in the night. "No."

"Hmm… Is it the sky?"

Her green eyes flicked upwards and then returned to me. "It's… different…"

I laughed. "Welcome to Wargonia. It's still hard to believe that the god I made up to spite Hidan is actually real and now his people's whole fucking army is now out to annihilate the Fence. Damn…"

"The Fence…"

"Your world," I explained. "We nicknamed it the Fence."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "Because we could."

"…Okay…"

"Yeah, face me and tremble in fear, bitch." I laughed and kicked a stone near my foot. It skid along the rick ground and came to rest inches from Gai's foot. "The Wargonia will wake up soon…"

"Doesn't matter," said Sakura. 'He's tied up. And someone will be watching to make sure he doesn't escape."

"After all the effort Deidara and I put in? He'd better not."

Sakura's green eyes rolled and then she said, "Bang-and-Drop? Who comes up with a name like that?"

"We thought it was a pretty awesome name when we came up with it," I said. "It's more effective when more people are alive, but whatever. All those hours of boredom at the Akatsuki hideout finally paid off…"

"Boredom?"

"Yeah. The hideout doesn't have cable."

"But aren't you guys busy trying to rule the world?" she asked.

At that, I let out a burst of laughter and then quickly stifled it. "No, we only do that about forty-percent of the time. Twenty-pecent for sleeping and the other forty-percent… We're bored."

"So you spend forty-percent of your time coming up with stupid names for your moves?"

"Among other things."

"Such as?"

"Getting drunk, watching Kisame screw up people's love lives, getting drunk, having epic broom wars with Hidan, getting drunk, running away from Deidara's bombs, getting drunk, avoiding Tobi, getting drunk, playing poker with Kakuzu, getting drunk, annoying Leader and Konan, getting drunk, and stalking Itachi…"

"… You like getting drunk."

"Yep. Don't you?"

"I'm underage."

A malevolent grin spread across my face and I leaned forward so that my chin rested on my knees. "You know what we call underage people? Designated drivers. Hello, new best friend."

And suddenly, both Sakura and I broke down into fits of laughter. We hurriedly smothered our laughs, though we let out the occasional giggle.

"Whoa…" Sleepily, Suigetsu sat up and looked at Sakura and I. "Bitch bonding…"

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><p><strong>AN: Twenty reviews. I had to wait for twenty reviews before I could update hahaha. Sorry, it makes the spacing between chapters easier. And because I like getting reviews. The next three chapters sort of drop in humor. I wrote them off of five hours of sleep and my humor sort of sucks with that little energy. Oh well. Sakura and Dessie... I don't really like Sakura, and this is probably how she views the Akatsuki... And like I said, I never relaly though Deidara and Dessie would be friends, but they definitely are... haha**

**Like I say, I won't update until I get twenty reviews. Let's see... how should I threaten you. REVIEW! Or Dessie and Deidara will Bang-and-Drop on YOU! dun dun dunnnn**


	74. Arrival at Konoha

**_Summary of Events: _**After the War Council, the Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Four: Arrival at Konoha<strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy-Four: Never forget that normal people cannot understand that you _****like_ and are _attracted_ to the Akatsuki. _**

**Kate**

Konoha was completely different from the last time I had been her. Last time, Konoha had been a peaceful place, protected by devoted shinobi. Now the village was flooded with shinobi, all preparing for a bitter war against the Wargonians. At our arrival, the shinobi paused in what they were doing and stared – as the Most Unlikely Allies we turned heads.

As we walked along, familiar faces cropped up amongst the crowd. Hinata… Ino… Shikamaru… Naruto… Sai…

My eyes made contact with Sai's and a deep red blush crossed my face. He caught sight of me and smiled, calling out, "Hello, Cutie."

My face turned and even brighter shade of red and behind me, Kisame drew his sword. He stepped in front of me, as if to shield me from any threats and said, "Who the hell do you think you're calling a cutie, bastard?"

"Wait!" I cried grabbing hold of Kisame's wrist (of course, I did nothing to counteract his strength).

Sai ducked behind Naruto and grinned back at Kisame. "Whoa. Is she your lover?"

I buried my face in my hands and turned away. Kisame, on the other hand, grinned confidently. "Yeah, asshole. She's _my_ girl. Don't go hitting on another guy's girl – or I will rip you to shreds and feed the shreds to my shark friends."

Hidan laughed. "Kisame, you bastard, you get jealous every time another guy smiles at Kate."

Slowly Kisame rounded of Hidan and pointed his sword at Hidan's head. "And you, Zombie-Whore, get jealous every time Dessie kisses another guy which is – say – every two seconds. I bet right now she's making out with Suigetsu–"

"What the fuck did you say!" shouted Hidan. He dodged Kisame's sword and caught Kisame by the throat and began trying to strangle him. Kisame gasped for air and then slammed his fist into Hidan's shoulder. Hidan was forced to let go of Kisame's throat, but the moment Hidan recovered his balance, he leapt on Kisame's back and proceeded to hit the back of Kisame's head over and over again.

"Morons…" muttered Konan.

Leader shook his head. "Kisame… Hidan… If you don't stop trying to kill each other, I will show you the true meaning of _pain_."

Hidan and Kisame immediately stopped and stepped away from one another. Hidan snickered and said, "No pun intended, Leader?"

Leader ignored Hidan's comment and continued in the direction of the Hokage's office. Neji and Temari had gone one ahead to get them to the hospital where medics would care for their wounds.

We reached the offices and Leader and Konan went to find the Hokage. Hidan, Kisame, and I remained outside. For awhile, we sat in silence, unsure of what to talk about and also afraid that if we spoke Leader might come out and decapitate us all (which isn't a problem for Hidan so much as if is for Kisame and I).

Finally, I grew bored and got to my feet. I turned to smile at Kisame and said, "I'm going to see how Neji and Temari are doing."

Kisame snorted. "Why do you care?"

"Because I do."

I walked through Konoha until I arrived at a large tent with the medical symbol splashed across the top. Quickly, I ducked inside and found myself wandering amongst beds with white sheets and rows upon rows of medicine. At the moment, the medic tent was mostly empty except for Temari and Neji and the few medic ninjas who were caring for them.

"Are you alright?" I asked Temari.

She glanced at me and then over my shoulder to see if Kisame or Hidan was anywhere near. Finally, she said, "Yeah. Neji is a different case."

I glanced at Neji, who lay in the bed with several medics surrounding him. His eyes fluttered in and out of reality as they healed his bloody wounds.

"Will he survive?" I asked.

"He should," said Temari. "But not without a lot of pain."

"Oh…" I glanced at Neji and then bowed my head in slight shame. "I'm sorry…"

"For what?" asked Temari confusedly. "Why are you apologizing to me?"

I sighed and shrugged offhandedly. "I don't know… Because you had to carry him all the way back here even though you were in pain yourself… And now one helped you…"

Temari scoffed. Apparently she didn't like receiving help from the Akatsuki anyway. And even if they had offered she would have refused them flatly.

"Neji! Neji!"

Slowly, I glanced over my shoulder and saw two people rushing into the tents with frantic expressions on their faces. One of them wore green spandex and had a bowl cut hairstyle – he resembled a Gai mini-me. The other person, on the other hand, was a girl with panda buns and wide, brown eyes.

"Lee, Tenten…" said Temari, getting to her feet

"How is he?" asked Tenten.

"Neji…" said Lee, unable to gaze directly at the Neji who lay on the operating table with blood spilling everywhere. "Stay strong, Neji…"

I turned my face away so that they couldn't see the tears in my eyes. The moment I ducked out of the tent, I was met by the grinning blue face of my boyfriend. I managed a smile, but he saw the oncoming tears and asked, angrily, "What happened? What did they do to you? Do I have to chop off heads?"

"No…" I said. "There's just… Neji is in a lot of pain…"

"Oh. Is that it?"

Kisame looked confused. A smile gradually spread across my face and I leaned over to rest my head against his muscular arm. "Never mind…"

"Oh good. I was afraid you were going to start lecturing me on how I should understand other people's pain."

I shook my head. "No. I gave up on that pretty quickly."

"Kate? Kate?"

I looked over my shoulder and saw a woman with short black hair making her way down the road in my direction. Kisame kept a firm grip on my hands as I turned to face her. "Yes? That's me…"

"I'm Shizune. Pein and Konan have been talking to Tsunade and they all agree that it would be best for you to help out in the medical tent."

I blinked. "But… I'm not a shinobi and I have no training in the medical area…"

"You can run errands and help out with little things," explained Shizune. "Both Pain and Konan agreed that you would be little help in battle… And... Er… A guy called Hidan said you'd better learn how to sew heads back on…"

Kisame and I both rolled out eyes in exasperation.

"He'd better not lose a head in the middle of the fight," grumbled Kisame. "I'm not carrying his body back…"

"Lose his head…" asked Shizune.

"The immortal bastard," explained Kisame. "As much as we wish he would, he just won't die…"

"That's mean," I said, elbowing Kisame in the stomach. "We like Hidan – we keep him around so he can get together with Dessie some day."

Kisame grinned. "That will be the Love Guru's greatest feat. Hidan and Dessie…" He laughed. "I just want to watch them try and kill each other while they're dating… It would be the most interesting couple in the Fence."

"Yay…" I muttered.

"I don't get it…" said Shizune.

Kisame just grinned at her without saying a word. Then, he bent over to whisper in my ear. As I listened, a warm heat crossed my face and I'm pretty sure I looked like a tomato.

He pulled way, smirking villainously at my expression. Then, I turned around and, standing on tiptoe, I whispered back, "I love you, too." After that, I was so embarrassed that I had to run away, using Shizune as a shield against Kisame's stare.

"Try not to kill anyone!" he shouted, and then left.

Shizune led me to her medical tent where her office was set up. She was neat and tidy with all her equipment and supplies set up in a neat, orderly fashion. On the floor of her tent, an adorable pink pig ran around on the floor. It squealed delightedly at the sight of Shizune and visitors and ran straight to Shizune's side.

"This is Tonton," said Shizune.

"Awwww," I cried, picking up the pig and hugging her to my chest. "So cute!"

"You can stay here for the time being," said Shizune. "The war will be starting soon… And I was warned to keep you out of trouble. Many of the Konoha shinobi don't like the idea of allying with the Akatsuki – even if it is temporary. They might try and strike out at the weakest Akatsuki member…"

"Which would be me," I said. "But… If I die, according to Leader's jutsu, doesn't Tsunade die…?"

"They won't kill you," said Shizune. "Think more along the lines of 'agonizing pain'."

I shuddered. "Oh… Not pleasant…"

"No, no it is not. Which is why I need to keep you safe."

"Okay," I said. "I'm really good at being a coward. It is sort of my specialty."

"Er… is that something to be proud of?"

I sat down on the floor and started playing with Tonton. Still smiling, I looked up at Shizune and said, "Probably not. But we all have our strong points."

There was an awkward silence that was filled with the sound of Tonton's delighted squeals. I laughed and rubbed her head appreciatively while Shizune gazed at me with a curious expression on her face. Finally, when she could stand it no longer, Shizune asked, "Are you dating that shark guy?'

I nodded.

"Why? I mean… Not to seem rude or anything, but he's _blue_ for god's sake... How can you be attracted to someone who is…blue?'

I considered this for a moment and then said, "He called me cute."

"…what?"

"You asked why I am dating him. He called me cute. So I fell in love with him."

"That's it…?"

"Yeah," I said. "That's pretty much it…"

Shizune shuffled around the room awkwardly for a minute before suddenly need to go borrow something from someone and rushing out. I rubbed Tonton's head and sighed. Chances are Shizune will never be able to look at me the same way again… I'm not that weird, am I?

Rule Number Seventy-Four: Never forget that normal people will actually be surprised that you _like_ and are _attracted_ to the Akatsuki.

"Kate…?"

In the middle of playing with Tonton, I turned to see Konan stepping into the tent. I waved at her and smiled. She came across the room and sat on the bed next to me. For a moment, neither one of us spoke. I toyed with the pig and Konan watched. After a long while, she finally asked, "Are you okay with this?"

"With what?"

"Being in the medical tents – not fighting."

"Of course I'm okay. I kind of suck at battle…"

Konan nodded in definite agreement. "You're absolutely awful at it."

I sighed. "You're not supposed to agree so vehemently… At least say I'm okay… ish…"

"But you're not."

I ran my fingers through the grass. "How far away is the army?"

"About an hour…"

"And Suna?"

"Already there…"

A shiver ran down my spine. "They'll be okay," I said. "Hannah's frying pan is a weapon of mass destruction… And Zetsu… And Kakuzu… They'll look after her." My mouth twitched slightly as Tonton crawled into my lap. "And the highest chance of Itachi dying is if Sasuke stabs him in the back… But Sasuke wouldn't be that stupid, he'll die if he does that, because of Leader's jutsu."

Konan shrugged. "Let's hope Sasuke isn't that stupid."

I laughed. "You don't think very highly of him, do you?"

"He needs a life."

"Itachi is Sasuke's life. If Sasuke were to kill Itachi," I trembled at the idea, "He'd probably stand over Itachi's body and say blankly, _get up so I can kill you again_. There'd be nothing left in Sasuke's life…"

"Well then," said Konan. "Itachi is pretty safe then."

"And you?" I asked. "What about you?"

Konan snorted. "I make Dessie look like a tamed house cat."

"…" I blinked. "Yeah, I'm terrified of you right now."

A grin flickered across her face and Konan touched the bed sheets with the tips of her fingers. She got to her feet and said, "I'd better go. Kate…"

"Yeah?"

"Try not to kill anyone."

I groaned. "Why does everyone keep saying that to me?"

"Obviously because we have no confidence in you." And with that, Konan ducked under the tent flaps and disappeared from sight, heading to the front line or wherever Leader was waiting for her. I remained on the grass-floor of the tent, playing with Tonton. I sighed and rubbed her head.

"I'd better listen to them, haven't I?" I said. "I don't really want to kill anyone…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Not the best chapter, I'm kind of in the inbetween phase. But I promise you the next chapter will have lots of action in it. A lot of people have been complaining about Deidara and Hannah and Dessie and Hidan being split up. I don't like possible couples being stuck together on every mission - that makes the story too cheesy for my tastes. Besides, absense makes the heart grow fonder**

**Please review! I'm waiting for twenty! Otherwise Kate will be your doctor and impending doom awaits you! mwahahahaa**


	75. Deadliest Frying Pan

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia. Suna now faces the Wargonian threat.

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Five: Deadliest Frying Pan<strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy-Five: The Akatsuki fear no beast_**

**Hannah**

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!

The sound of a metal frying pan hitting exposed Wargonia skulls echoed through my ears. That was a good sound. It could be worse; I could be listening to the sound of my friends and allies dying. Yep. I can live with the sound of breaking skulls.

"Itachi!"

"Hn."

Despite Sasuke's constant assassination attempts and some shit about Itachi wiping out the Uchiha clan, the two of them seemed to get along quite well. They had precise teamwork and defeated many Wargonians even when the Wargonians were using their power source.

"Hannah! Duck!"

I dipped my head down, dropping to the ground. Several tentacles flew over my head and grabbed the six or seven Wargonians surrounding me and bound them tightly. They struggled against the tentacles. One or two managed to slice the tentacles open and released themselves, for the other four, I brought my frying pan smashing down on their skulls.

"Good," said Kakuzu.

I nodded once in his direction, before dodging the spear of an attacking Wargonian. I barely missed my vitals and the spear split open the surface of my skin. It was only a scratch, but it stung.

Before the Wargonian could strike again, Juugo brought his gigantic fist crashing down into the Wargonian's face.

"Captain down!"

"They're firing explosives at the wall!"

"Help!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Hold the wall! Hold the wall! Hold the wall!"

A stranger, fighting beside me, let out a scream of horror as a spear penetrated his abdomen. He staggered to the ground and blood spilled out onto the floor.

"I'm impressed," grunted Juugo as he picked up on Wargonian and threw him across the wall into his allies. "You can fight."

I shifted my grip on the frying pan and grinned. "All hail the deadliest frying pan."

"Hannah!"

I twisted my head around. A Wargonian stood over top of me, his teeth gritted and his spear coming crashing down towards my head.

I threw my hands across my face and wrenched my eyes shut. Oh shit…

Something grabbed my by the waist. My body jerked upwards and I was thrown through the air. With a crash, I hit the ground. Groaning, I rolled onto my back and stared up at my rescuer. Kakuzu – with black tentacles coming out of his arms and back – stared down at me. "Pay attention."

"Sorry…"

I got to my feet and turned to face the crowd of Wargonians battling their way through the lower levels of the walls. Suna was a sand city built inside of a gigantic wall. On the wall, there were five levels. The Wargonians would have to conquer all five levels before they had a hope of defeating the city. So far, we had managed to hold the lowest level of the wall. Of course, the war had only lasted about seven hours…

"Oh my god…"

I glanced to my right where a Suna shinobi stared straight ahead. His brown eyes were wide with trembling fear. Slowly, I turned, following his line of sight, and saw what had him scared shitless.

The Wargonians, being from a different world, stood before us with a beast of their own dimension caught in chains. The beast was hideous with a vicious snarl and only slits for red eyes. It reminded me of a gigantic black lizard with sharp fangs and claws…

Several shinobi raised their weapons. A squad of five rushed forward, using their jutsus and weapons to take the beast down. Kakuzu and I watched and the beast opened its jaws wide and let out a burst of flame.

The shinobi were nothing more than piles of ash.

"… We're screwed…"

"I think it's more fun this way."

I looked over my shoulder to see Juugo standing there, a maniac grin spreading across his face. A laugh bubbled at Juugo's lips and he let it free. Several shinobi around us turned to stare incredulously. I waved sheepishly.

"Yeah," I muttered. "We're just that insane."

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi has come to save Hannah-Nunu from the fearsome beast!"

I rolled my eyes as an orange-masked figure appeared behind me. "Hey, Tobi," I said. "You here to help us take down the monster?"

Tobi clapped his hands excitedly as Sasuke and Itachi joined us at the edge of the wall.

"You want to help?" I asked.

"Hn."

Sasuke glared at Itachi before saying, "There's no way I'm fighting along side _him_."

I resisted the overwhelming urge to point of that Sasuke and Itachi had been fighting together for about two hours – ever since the Wargonians broke into the first level of the wall. How the hell has Sasuke _not_ noticed! However, being the mature person that I am, I instead said, "Why don't Itachi and Sasuke deal with the Wargonians and the rest of us will deal with the monster."

"You really shouldn't call it a monster," said Juugo.

"Why not?" I asked.

Tobi giggled excitedly. "It's more like a cute little bunny-rabbit…"

Kakuzu and Juugo laughed at this, sharing some inside joke that I seemed unable to understand. Even Sasuke managed a smile and Itachi – as always – was grim.

"I can try and bind the animal with my tentacles," said Kakuzu. "And Tobi can deal with part of it… Sharingan?"

Tobi nodded.

"I can deal with its attention," said Juugo.

"So can I," I added. "We'll distact it, Kakuzu and Tobi slow down the… um… bunny rabbit… And Juugo will deal the final blow. Itachi and Sasuke will protect us from the Wargonians."

"Alright," said Tobi. "Stay safe, Hannah-Nunu."

And suddenly I found myself standing beside Juugo facing the snarling face of the beast. Juugo was smiling.

"Do you feel no fear?" I asked, gripping my frying pan.

"Fear?" asked Juugo. "This is _life_."

I was shaking. "Let's do this."

Juugo ran to the right and I ran to the left. The beast opened it's wretched mouth, about to let out a burst of fire. It turned its head towards Juugo, who – after unleashing the curse on his body – transformed into a hideous monster. He dodged the lizard's attack with ease. But the beast whipped around its tail, slamming into Juugo's gut. Juugo was thrown backwards and I was alone.

The beast turned its attention to me. I moved to the left and the beast opened its mouth, fire preparing to blast forth.

Flames licking outwards.

An arm grabbed me by the wrist and threw my out of the line of fire.

Itachi stood above me, his red eyes flashing dangerously as the Sharingan saw through all the beast's movements.

"Thanks," I, staggering to my feet. "I'm not a shinobi…"

"Hn."

"I'll take that to be – you're welcome."

The beast roared and I saw several black tentacles shoot towards the monster from the left side. Then, on the right side, a gigantic seal emerged from the ground. Tobi was trying to seal part of the monster. It struggled against the bonds, its tail whipping this way and that.

"Kakuzu!" I screamed. "Look out!"

The tail whipped around and slammed into the side of Kakuzu. He went flying and landed with a crunch. His body skidding across the ground and I rushed to his rescue. Thankfully, Kakuzu hardened his body and the tail had minimal impact.

"You alive?" I asked, coming to stand behind him.

"I'll live…" he muttered. "I'm getting far too old for this bullshit."

The beast roared again, his tail whipping around as if to take off someone's head. Kakuzu leapt to his feet (with a speed that seemed wrong on a ninety-one year old man) and started running in the opposite direction.

"Hannah!" he said. "Run, run, run!"

"Right!" I sprinted away from the beast.

It would have chased after us, but Tobi's seals kept it glued in place. Unable to get to its prey, the beast changed its attention to poor Tobi. But, being the badass ninja he is, Tobi dodged to flames and the tail and kept the seals in place. Kakuzu, Juugo, and I regrouped out of range and watched the scene in front of us. Sasuke and Itachi were preoccupied with the Wargonians while Tobi dodged the beasts' attacks and held the seals in place.

"This is harder than it looks," muttered Kakuzu.

Juugo nodded. However, despite the difficulty they were both facing, wide grins were spread across their faces.

"Try again?" asked Juugo.

"I can use my sharingan on the beast."

We turned to see Itachi standing nearby, his face solemn.

"You can?" I asked impressed. "What about the Wargonians?"

"Juugo and Sasuke can handle them," said Itachi. "Tobi has the beast sealed so I'll use my sharingan to stun the beast – it won't last long, but it will be effective – and Kakuzu will deal the finishing blow."

"What do I do?" I asked.

"Help Kakuzu," said Itachi.

I sighed. This is one of the joys of being a regular human amongst shinobi. "Alright, let's do this."

We rounded on the beast. Itachi stepped forward while Juugo went to help Sasuke deal with the Wargonians. Kakuzu and I ran forward on opposite sides. Itachi's eyes glowed red and captured the beast attention. The beast froze, his gaze fixed firmly on Itachi, unable to tear away.

Kakuzu and I drew closer.

Despite all the restraints fixed on the beast from some of the strongest shinobi in the Fence, its tail still whipped up and down. It jerked in my direction, unavoidable.

I ducked, hoping it would skim over my head.

But instead of hitting me, the tail froze, inches from my face. I glanced up and saw black tentacles clinging to the trembling tail, restraining it with all the strength possessed.

"Hannah…" hissed Kakuzu. "Get moving…"

I gripped the frying pan in my hands and sprinted forward. The beast didn't move. Its eyes didn't waver. I drew close to its head and no flames erupted from its mouth. It was frozen and bound and sealed. I raised the frying pan above my head. My heart pounded and I raised the frying pan above my head and brought the thing smashing down on the beast's eye.

A great roar leapt from its throat and I was thrown backwards as it raised its head, bellowing in agony.

"Itachi! Kakuzu!" I cried, plummeting towards the ground. Itachi caught me and we turned to stare at the groaning beast.

Blood poured from its eye and it shuddered and trembled and shook violently.

And suddenly, an orange-masked figured appeared, standing a top the beasts head. Tobi waved at us and drew back his fist. Using some unknown jutsu, he brought his fist crashing down on the beast's skull. The bones cracked and shattered beneath Tobi's strength. With an empty howl, the beast collapsed at Tobi's feet.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

I laughed. A grin spread across my face as Itachi put me down and I turned to regard him. My expression must have been as maniacal as Juugo or Kakuzu's, but I didn't really care.

"Damn…" I said.

"Shit-crazy," said Kakuzu, giving the dead body a kick.

Rule Number Seventy-Five: The Akatsuki fear no beast – after all, they are the most deadly things out there.

"Do we get to rest yet?" I asked, rubbing my aching muscles.

Sasuke and Juugo finished off the last of the Wargonians and they retreated to stand beside the rest of us. The dead body of the beast blocked the entrance to the lower level. For a moment – a brief moment – we stood and watched the Wargonians struggle with the monster.

"There is no rest for the wicked," said Kakuzu wearily.

"Is Hannah-Nunu alright?" asked Tobi. "She's not hurt anywhere is she?" Tobi grabbed my arm and investigated it carefully before moving on to the next arm and examining that.

"Is he always like this?" asked Sasuke.

"Hn."

"I pity you."

"Hn."

"Hn."

"Yeah…" muttered Kakuzu. "More of the Uchiha 'hn' conversation. Is it just me or is their way of communication ridiculous?"

I rolled my eyes. "Where's Zetsu?"

"He's running messages for the Kazekage," explained Sasuke. "His _abilities_ have their uses."

"Good…" I said. "God… I need this break. This is ridiculous…"

"Join the club," said Juugo. "I hurt all over."

"They're like ants," muttered Kakuzu. "A giant overflowing ant hill. It's creepy – and annoying."

"You got an ant bite?" I asked, patting him on the shoulder.

"Shut up, Hannah."

Juugo rubbed his forehead, leaving a streak of blood. "I had an ant bite once… it itched a lot and I scratched it. Then the bite swelled and got even worse."

"Um…" I glanced at Kakuzu and shook my head. "That's… nice…"

As if on cue, there came a creaking noise. We turned to see the body of the beast, slowly moving – as if someone was pushing it. Suddenly, with a great groan, the body slid off the narrow corridor of the level and to the desert ground below. Behind where the body had been there were swarms and swarms of Wargonians, armed and dangerous.

"Oh dear god…" I murmured.

"We're screwed," said Juugo.

"Don't worry, Hannah-Nunu! Tobi will protect you!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: More actions than humor... sorry. But I promise you, the next chapter is funny. hahaha I laughed aloud while writing it. Wow... I'm really tired... I might end up going to bed early tonight... Mleh. Anyways, please review. You all know how much I love reviews. If you don't review, the Wargonians will release their fearsome beasts upon you (and there won't be any Akatsuki there to rescue you)! Mwahahahaha Review. **


	76. Mission Seduction

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

Dessie and Deidara captured a Wargonian and now they face the daunting mission of interrogation.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Six: Mission Seduction <strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy-Six: Remember, seduction is harder than it looks_**

**Dessie**

"What's your name?"

"Why should I tell you?"

I scowled irritable and leaned over to that the Wargonian could see my face. "Because we have you tied up in the middle of a mountain path with none of your people near by to help you. So we can torture you to our heart's content and there is nothing you can do about it."

The Wargonian considered this and then said, "Urm."

"Excuse me?"

"My name is Urm."

I snorted. "That's a dumb name."

"Dessie," said Sakura angrily. "You're not supposed to make fun of the captive's name!"

I shrugged and turned to Suigetsu. "Urm is a stupid name, isn't it?"

Suigetsu nodded in agreement. "Yeah… it is a bit of a stupid name…"

"See," I said, turning back.

Gai, Sakura, Suigetsu, Deidara, and I stood over Urm. The Wargonian man was sitting on the ground, his arms, legs and feet all tied together with thick, unbreakable ropes, while we interrogated him. Urm had just woken up about twenty minutes ago and only now we managed to wring his name out of him.

"So," said Sakura. "How long have you been in the Wargonian army?"

Urm snorted. "Is this the best you can do?"

I kicked him between the legs and he howled in pain. "No, you shithead, we can do a lot better than that if you want us to – but we like being the good guys, so we're going easy on you… at first."

Urm groaned and then regarded me with disdainful eyes. "You sick, bitch. Don't you know the basic rules of combat – _do not a kick a guy in his_–"

I kicked Urm between the legs again. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"She's evil," whispered Suigetsu.

"So tell me," I said. "How do we get into the city undetected?"

Urm smiled. "You can prevent me from having children, but I will _never_ tell you."

I kicked him between the legs for good measure and then Gai, Sakura, Suigetsu, Deidara, and I held council to see if we could figure out what to do. For a minute, no one spoke. We were all too deep in our own thoughts, trying to come up with a strategy.

"We don't have a lot of time," said Sakura. "He'll outlast us."

"We could try torture…" said Suigetsu.

Deidara snorted. "If he hasn't confessed after being kicked three times by Dessie, torture isn't going to break him any time soon, uhn."

"I wish Hannah was here," I said grimly. "She can scare people shitless with just a few words. Urm would be spilling his deepest darkest secrets to us within minutes…."

For a moment, both Deidara and I looked forlorn as we recalled this particular talent of Hannah's.

"Well… Do you remember any of her threats?" asked Gai. "Maybe we can use those to threaten Urm. Even if we can't do it as well as Hannah, we can try…"

I shook my head. "Hannah never let's us hear her threats."

"So you don't know what they are?" asked Sakura incredulously.

"No…"

"Useless…" muttered Suigetsu.

"Look, look," I said, raising my hands to silence everyone. "We can't pull of Hannah's threats because we're not Hannah. However, there is one tactic that I can use that Hannah can't – and mine is faultless."

"And what's this?" asked Gai.

Deidara groaned and face-palmed himself. "Dessie… Don't tell me…"

"Yes!" I grinned. "Mission Seduction – no self respecting guy can resist spilling his secrets to a girl as sexy as me."

"…You've got to be kidding…" said Suigetsu.

"Actually," said Sakura thoughtfully. "That might work. A man may be able to resist torture – but none can resist the charm of a beautiful woman." She smiled and flicked her pink hair out of her eyes. "Especially the charm of _two_ beautiful women."

"Oh-ho!" cried Dessie excitedly. "Let's do this!"

"Great…" muttered Suigetsu. "Bitch bonding might have been a little bit too successful."

"Oh shut up," I said. "Now… How shall we approach our friend Urm?"

Sakura smiled and we strutted over to where Urm was tied by thick ropes. I stood over him, smirking confidently while Sakura sat on the ground beside him, puckering her lips.

"Is it just me." asked Urm. "Or is this image especially disturbing?"

I gritted my teeth and forced myself to smile. "Now, baby, don't play hard to get. You see…" I bent over so that my face was even with Urm's and giving his a full view of my rack. "I get to play hard and you get to be hard."

Sakura choked.

"You suck at seduction," said Urm bluntly. "I'm not attracted to either of you."

"But, honey," said Sakura, pressing up close to Urm. "You haven't even talked to me yet. I feel so forgotten."

"Ugly."

A vein popped in Sakura's forehead and she drew back her fist. "What did you say?"

"You wouldn't dare," said Urm confidently.

Smack! Sakura definitely did dare. Her fist slammed into Urm's cheek. His eyes rolled back and his head jerked to the side. A moment later and blood trickled down from his mouth where I suspected he had bitten his tongue.

"Well," Deidara said as I helped Sakura to her feet. "Mission Seduction failed."

"It cannot have failed," I said confidently. "I am the sexiest thing out there on the plant. No man can resist my charm!"

"Maybe on _your_ planet," said Deidara. "But we're in Wargonia, uhn."

"In every dimension imaginable!" I snapped. "I am the sexiest – just look at this splendid chest."

"Tsunade's is more impressive," muttered Sakura.

"Shut up, Ugly," I snapped. "Mine is more sculpted."

"Maybe," said Gai thoughtfully. "Urm doesn't respond because he's not attracted to girls with black and pink hair…"

"Huh?" I could not understand this train of logic.

"Maybe Urm is attracted to this pretty lady right here," said Gai and he thumped Deidara on the back.

Deidara's eye twitched and he pulled a lump of clay out of his bag. Trembling with rage, Deidara rounded on Gai and said, "You've been travelling with me how long and you _still_ haven't figure out that I am a GUY!"

"Oh." Gai scratched the top of his head and grinned sheepishly. "But you have the spirit of a youthful girl running through your veins."

"I'm going to kill him," said Deidara.

"Wait a second!" I cried, grabbing Deidara by the wrist. "We can't kill him yet! We need him! We need him!"

"What?" snarled Deidara irritably.

"We might as well try it…" I said thoughtfully. "I mean, you do look a little tiny teensy weensy bit like a girl… Only a little though! A vague resemblance that some very dense guys could mistake for a girl…"

Deidara look unconvinced.

"Look," I said. "We need to get information from this guy. And since we all suck at interrogation, we need to seduce the information out of him. Now, from some strange bizarre and likely mentally unstable reason, Urm is not attracted to me. So, we need you to try and seduce him."

Deidara scowled.

"Think of everyone back in the Fence," I said. "Tobi, Kakuzu, Hidan, Leader, Konan, Kate, Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, and Hannah… Think about it. If we don't get information out of this guy we can never go home and Hannah will end up dating Zetsu…"

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll do it, but not because of Hannah. Because I want to get the hell out of this place, uhn."

I grinned. "Whatever you say…"

The rest of us stood back as Deidara approached Urm. Deidara's face somewhat resembled a squished up pumpkin. Clearly, Deidara was repulsed at the idea of seducing another guy – especially Urm – but it was amusing to watch Deidara awkwardly sit in Urm's lap and said, "Hey… Babe… What's up…?"

Urm looked ready to vomit. "They sent _you_? You look about as sexy as dog shit."

Eye twitching wildly, Deidara wrapped one arm around Urm's shoulder and said, "Don't be like that, sugar muffin…"

"Listen, bitch," said Urm. "I don't go for girls like you. You're not my type at–"

BANG!

Deidara got to his feet and made his was back across the goat path to join the rest of us. "Sorry," he said. "It just wasn't meant to be, uhn."

"Great…" I muttered, turning back to the group. "Now we only have Gai and Suigetsu to work with."

"Oh yeah," muttered Sakura. "Because Urm is _really_ going to go for them…"

"I want to try!" cried Gai. "The power of youth is flooding through me and I can feel the sexiness coming on."

I sighed. "Sure. Go for it. We've got nothing to lose…"

Gleefully, Gai wiggled over to where Urm sat and put on his Nice Guy Pose. "How you doing? The name is Gai – Might Gai." He smiled and squirmed a little (a dreadful sight to see when a person is wearing bight Green Spandex). "If I may say so – you, Urm, are practically oozing the spirit of youth; I find that very… _hot_."

"We're doomed…" I groaned.

"Youth?" asked Urm.

"That's right," said Gai. "It channels through you vibrantly. Your…_youthfulness_ excites me!"

…

"Well," said Urm, leaning back and grinning. "They should have sent a stud like you earlier – you keep me _youthful_ and I'll tell you anything."

Gai turned around and threw his Nice Guy Pose in our direction. Sakura slapped herself in the forehead and groaned while Suigetsu cracked up with laughter.

"See," I said, turning to Deidara. "My good-looks are irresistible. The target just happened to by a homosexual and attracted to that… that _thing_." I waved my hand in Gai's direction, unable to look at the green spandex.

"I know," said Deidara. "Even if he's gay… his tastes are deformed…"

"He thought you were a girl," I pointed out.

Deidara pushed one of his clay sculptures in my face and asked darkly, "What were you saying?"

"Nothing."

"That's what I thought."

Rule Number Seventy-Six: Seduction is harder than you look – don't forget that your target might possibly be gay with very bizarre tastes.

Gai, Suigetsu, Sakura, Deidara, and I gathered around Urm. Gai sat next to Urm (practically on top of him) and smiled flirtatiously while the rest of us glared down at Urm, quite irritated with the shit he put us through.

"So," I said. "Do you know a way into the city?"

"Yeah," said Urm. "Through the front gates."

Gai pouted and I _kindly_ rephrased my question. "Do you know a way into the city where we won't be discovered by the Wargonians there?"

Urm smiled. "Yes."

"What is it?"

There was a pause as Urm though this over. "It's a tunnel through the sewers. The entrance is in a valley on the other side of these mountains and it has exits all throughout the city."

We considered this.

"Is there one that comes out near the temple?" asked Sakura.

"Yes."

"Can you lead us there?" she asked impatiently.

A slow, steady smile cross Urm's face. "Sure, but only if my mean, green, fighting machine comes with us. He's the only sane one amongst you pile of ugly bitches."

Deidara toyed with his clay while Skaura cracked her knuckles threateningly. I had half a mind to join them in their torture of Urm; however, reason won out and I just smirked at Urm, imagining in my head his violent and rather painful death. It would start with some screws and maybe some Chinese water torture… I could use an electric chair… and murder him in the most brutal methods possible…

"Dessie…" said Suigetsu slowly. "We're going to the entrance now…"

"Hold on…" I said. "Let me enjoy this moment…"

Or what if I buried him alive… with a bunch of bugs to feast very slowly on his flesh… That sounds fun. Poison might be affected too… Didn't Deidara say his old partner left some behind? Some agonizing poison that paralyzed the body… Ooh that sounds delectable…

"Okay," I said. "I'm ready to go."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Why do we have to wait for you?"

I ignored her and turned to Deidara. "Do you have any of that poison left from your old partner?"

"Um, yeah… Why?"

Careful to shield my mouth, I whispered my plan into Deidara's ear and a wide grin spread across his face. We cackled evilly and glanced in Urm's direction. I swear Urm looked ready to wet himself.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: hahahahaha when I wrote this my only thought was WTF! But anyways, this must be a gigantic blow on Dessie's ego - thankfully, the guy is gay so she can't help it. And Deidara... I normally try to avoid girl jokes with Deidara, but this was too good to resist. I actually thought he was a girl when I first read the manga. Then I saw the anime and was happy that they at least got a deep, sexy man-voice for him. haha **

**Anyways, please review! I want to see if I can get 2,000 reviews before the end of the book (goals much keep changing as they are achieved). Thank you all for you reviews and I ask that you keep them up - OTHERWISE GAI WILL TRY AND SEDUCE _YOU_! *screams in horror and runs away* **


	77. Death in the Tents

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

Kate is working in the medical tents while the others are off at war.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Seven: Death in the Tents<strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy-Seven: Nowhere is safe in a war _**

**Kate**

"Kate!"

I rushed over to the bed side where a man was twitching and bleeding all over the place. I avoided looking at him while I handed the medic ninja a bottle of medicine. She took it and force fed it to the patient while I hurried in the opposite direction and tried to avoid the bile rising in my throat.

"Having fun?"

I glanced over to see Shizune standing over a patient. She wiped sweat off her forehead and only succeeded in leaving a long bloody streak. I shuddered and shook my head.

"Am I supposed to enjoy it?" I asked.

"No. If you were I might suspect you _do_ belong in the Akatsuki – if just for strangeness."

I smiled and adverted my eyes from the blood streak. "None of them have turned up here yet…"

"Not yet."

"Good."

"Coming through!"

I jumped out of the way as two medic ninja came in, carrying a wounded shinobi on their shoulders. The injured woman was dripping blood all over the ground and her face was white, the color of chalk as if she was about to faint at any moment. She opened her eyes and blood trickled down in place of tears.

"Fresh air," I gasped before ducking out of the tent and staggering into the open grass.

A slight breeze blew through the camp carrying with it the stench of blood. Was there no escaping it?

"You're still alive?"

I turned around to see a blond haired woman with huge breasts walking towards me. Her expression was grim and a gigantic slug slithered along beside her.

"Tsunade…" I said. "And – um…"

"Katsuyu," said Tsunade. "She's a slug summoning."

"Oh… um… how lovely…" I blinked. "Of all the creatures you could have summoned, you chose a slug?"

Tsunade's mouth twitched slightly as she said, "Yes."

"Heh… Heh…" I edged away from the disgusting slug while trying to keep a smile plastered to my face. I don't think I pulled off the fake very well since Tsunade's forehead crinkled in anger as she realized how repulsed I was.

"Katsuyu is very nice."

"I'm sure she is… if I ever got to know her…" I said.

"Hmm…"

"Shouldn't you be working?" I asked desperately. "And saving your village and all?"

Tsunade smiled and rubbed Katsuyu's head fondly. "Shouldn't you be working and saving the lives of my villagers?"

My face turned bright red and I quickly turned away. "It was a bit… too… bloody for me…"

Tsunade stared at me disbelievingly. After a minute of blank gawping, she coughed and said, "You're afraid of blood, yet you're friends with the Akatsuki and dating one of them… I don't get it."

I sighed. "No one does."

She opened her mouth as if to reply, but closed it, deciding better. "K–"

"!"

We both turned around, our eyes wide with horror. After the scream, a deadly silence filled the air. We waited – for what we didn't know – but we waited for something. And then, when nothing came, Tsunade raced off in the direction of the scream and I quickly followed her.

The scream led us to a smaller medical tent where more extreme cases were taken. Tsunade pushed back the flaps and slipped inside through the entrance. She gasped and before I could step inside, reached a hand out to stop me.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Tell Shizune…"

I blinked and ducked back Tsunade to see what had happened. The dead body of a Konoha medic lay on the ground. The legs had been cleanly severed at the shins and there were several stab marks in the face. I covered my mouth and ducked back, wishing I had not had the nerve to see what had happened.

Tsunade gasped again. "Tell Shizune to meet me here. Death…in the tents…"

I nodded and hurried back to find Shizune. I entered the tents again with the dead and the dying. Shizune had not moved, still working away at the bloody leg of the ninja. She caught sight of me and called me over to help, but I shook my head.

"Tsunade needs you."

Shizune blinked in confusion, but she called over another medic, debriefed him on the situation, and then followed me back to the tent where Tsunade and I had found the dead body.

"What happened?" asked Shizune. "What's going on?"

Slowly, Tsunade gestured at the tent behind her and Shizune took a peek inside. "He's dead…"

Tsunade nodded.

"Did the enemy break in?" asked Shizune in horror.

"I don't think so," said Tsunade. "The troops would have sent word if an enemy had snuck inside. Most likely, this foe has been with us sine the beginning…"

A chill ran down my spine and I stared at the grass, trying not to imagine what kind of awful enemies waiting in our camp, trying to kill us all off one-by-one.

"What should we do?" asked Shizune nervously. Tonton appeared by her ankles and Shizune bent over to pick up the pig. She hugged Tonton to her chest and stared at Tsunade worriedly.

"What can we do?" asked Tsunade. "We don't know who the killer is. Wait and watch out for suspicious behavior."

"Should we warn the other medics?" asked Shizune.

After a moment's consideration, Tsuande said, "Not yet. If they start suspecting one another no work will get done. If we conceal this murder it may give us some more time before the next attack."

Shizune hesitated and the nodded. "Alright."

Tsunade's plan didn't last long. The next day the body of a medic ninja was found between two tents with the legs severed and stab marks across the body's face. Word spread all over the camp of a traitor and the medic ninja's grew suspicious of one another. Everyone was suddenly a possible traitor and – being a friend of the Akatsuki – I suddenly became the highest possible suspect.

"It's not me," I whispered to Shizune. "I was there when the first body was discovered…"

"But they don't know that," said Shizune, hiding a smile.

"What are you smiling?" I asked, frustrated. "It's not funny!"

"Actually, it sort of is," said Shizune. "It's amusing that anyone could possibly consider you a murderous spy."

I blinked and then buried my face in my hands. "It's not funny! I can be quite murderous when I want to be!"

This, of course, only made Shizune laugh harder. "I can just see you standing over a mountain of dead and bloody bodies looking very, very frightening… and then you bend over and throw up."

I scowled. "Meanie."

The tent flaps opened and we looked over our shoulders to see who had just entered. Once again it was some shinobi bringing in the recent wounded. However, for once, I found myself gazing upon a familiar face. Those dark eyes and that dark hair… the ghost of a smile… framed by unfamiliar blood streaks

"Sai!"

Though half-opened eyes, Sai looked at me. He smiled and said, "Please don't be my doctor."

"I won't!" I cried. "I don't want you to die!"

A couple medics surrounding Sai and began examining him. I hovered to the side and watched anxiously, waiting for the verdict. However, Shizune called me over to do my job and I spent the next half hour working with her. When I finally managed to find a break, I materialized beside Sai's bed.

"What's wrong with him?" I asked anxiously.

"A deep wound to his organs…"

"He'll live, right?"

The medic hesitated. "We hope."

"If you back off and… give me some breathing room," said Sai helpfully.

I wiped a tear from my eyes and sniffled. "Whatever happened to 'Cutie'?"

However, according to Sai;s wishes (as painful as they may be), I left his bed side and made my way outside for some fresh air. Once again, the stench of blood filled the air. The memory of my last time out here and my meeting with Tsunade flashed through my mind. And the scream…

My heart skipped a beat.

Rule Number Seventy-Seven: Nowhere is safe in war.

What is the murderer found Sai? What if he killed Sai? What would I do? My blood ran cold and I turned back to the tent, fear pumping through my body. I raced inside again, grabbing a surgical needle to protect myself with. The medics had finished with Sai and the only thing left was to give him time to heal. They had moved him to a different, smaller tent for some peace and quiet.

I gripped the surgical needle and, after located his tent, sat down in a chair beside Sai's bed. Momentarily, Sai was sleeping – getting his strength back – and smiled at him and said, "Don't worry, I'll protect you," which is probably the most ludicrous statement I have ever said in my whole life.

I must have sat there with my needle of doom for about three hours… Shizune and the others rushed about outside the tent, working as hard as they could to save the lives of their citizens. I just wanted to save one life… The life of the guy who calls me Cutie… (Insert girlish giggle here).

People rushed around… a splash of blood…

My eyes fluttered and I felt my head leaning over onto Sai's arm… And then my eyes closed… And there was darkness…

When I opened my eyes, I was sitting in the same seat beside the same person holding the same needle. Quickly, I glanced over my shoulder to make sure that Sai was alright. He was still breathing and still fast asleep. I let out a sigh of relief. The tent was empty except for Sai and me and a few other sleeping shinobi. A soft beam of moonlight fell through the gap in the tent flaps and was cast across the floor.

And then there came a soft footfall.

My heart skipped a beat. A shadow fell across the moonlight – a distorted image of some kind of monster.

The murderer was coming.

I gripped my needle and leant my head over so that it might look as though I was asleep.

The footfalls grew faster and there came a rustling noise as the murderer slipped inside the tent.

My heart was pounding. I couldn't believe what an idiot I was – who was I to believe that I could take on a shinobi murderer? And with a surgical needle of all things! Crazy… I'm absolutely crazy.

The murderer grew closer.

I clutched the needle. Well, I should give it a shot.

With a roar, I leapt up from my seat. With needle bared, I prepared to thrust it into the chest of the murderer. But – I froze.

"Where….is he?"

There was no one in the tent. Just me, standing in the moonlight looking like an idiot clutching a needle.

And then there came an 'oink-oink' sound. Slowly, I lowered my gaze to see Tonton standing at my feet, snorting and kicking the ground irritably as if I had surprised her.

"Oh, Tonton!" I cried. I placed the needle on the bed beside Sai and bent down to pick up Tonton and cradle her to my chest. "I'm sorry! I thought you were the murderer who was killing people in the tents! Silly me!"

Tonton oinked indignantly.

"I'm sorry!" I repeated. "I didn't think you were the murderer – I promise."

I let Tonton go and she ran back outside, squealing angrily. I sighed and slumped back down in my seat beside Sai. I picked up the needle and examined it carefully. It was pitiful protection.

Then, I laughed. "Protection against what? Tonton?"

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><p><strong>AN: ... I must have been drunk when I wrote this. Actually I got the idea from the actual manga where Sakura discovers murders in the medical tent. Though, I promise you Zetsu is not behind these deaths. haha that's probably considered a spoiler, but oh well. Any guesses as to who the murder is? I tell you now, it will be a very, very wild guess to get it right. And then we have Kate and Sai. Again, I must have been drunk when I wrote this chapter. To be honest, I have no clue what's going on between them. He calls Kate "Cutie" and therefore she is bound to protect him. That's all I know. And, to be hinest, Sai annoys me. hahaha**

**I uploaded my drawings of my three characters online. The links are on my profile page. Please, please, please go look at them! Thanks! I hope you like them and excuse my awful art skills.**

**I'm sorry I haven't updated before now... I was helping an old lady with her shopping (Kakashi has taught me well). Anyways, read. OR THE KILLER WILL FIND YOU! Dun-dun-dun**


	78. Masters of the Night

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

Hannah is doing guard duty at night.

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Eight: Masters of the Night<strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy-Eight: Tobi should learn to keep his mouth shut_**

**Hannah**

The stars in the desert seem different than the stars in the forest. They have a dusty, sandy feel to them whereas in the forest the stars have a clean-cut, firm feel to them. Different. The night sky is less daunting in the forest too – though that might because I am standing on the wall of Suna, anticipating the Wargonians' second attack instead of sleeping peacefully in my bed at the hideout.

"You look very pensive."

I glanced over my shoulder to see Kankuro standing beside me. With a very obvious eye roll, I asked, "Do you even know what 'pensive' means?"

"Nope."

"Moron…" I muttered. "I wouldn't get so close to me if I were you."

"Why not?" asked Kankuro, automatically inching closer until we were almost touching. He grinned suggestively and said, "I see no problem with it."

I sighed. "My husband is a cannibal plant with multiple personalities and I have a devoted psychopathic bomber. Oh, and I'm good friends with a crazy guy who have five hearts – do you _really_ want to mess with me?"

"Oh…" Kankuro quickly left and returned to Baki's side to keep watch on the Wargonian troops.

I smirked. "I didn't think so."

"Didn't think what?"

With a laugh, I turned to see the black-and-white face of the very cannibalistic husband I spoke of. He was half way out of the ground so that only his Venus flytrap head was exposed.

"Hi, Zetsu," I said. "Having a good night?"

"No. Bored. And we're hungry but no one will let us eat."

"Do they look tempting?" I asked.

Zetsu nodded enthusiastically. "All the little people look very yummy. We want to fest on their flesh… But the Kazekage has forbidden us. And Leader has told us to listen to the Kazekage."

"But you can eat other things," I said thoughtfully.

"But other things don't taste nearly as good…" muttered Zetsu. "We want flesh."

"Can't you eat the Wargonians then?"

Zetsu made a face and I decided that was bad thing. Instead, I stood on the edge of the wall and watched the moon glowing silver in the sky. Yes, it was an unnerving night. Zetsu pulled his whole body out of the ground and stood beside me silently. His Venus flytrap towered over me and – thankfully – black Kankuro from my view.

BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

My heart froze in place. Fire erupted along the wall with each bang. Soldiers were thrown up into the air, screaming and burning as they fell to the ground below. The explosives continued to go off and a large hole began to build up in the side of the wall, slowly getting deeper and deeper until it would break through the wall and allow the Wargonians access to the city.

"Shit," said Baki, running along the wall. "Protect the city! Stop the Wargonians from getting through! Contain the blast! Contain it, goddamnit!"

Zetsu and I raced after him, trying to see how to fix the problem. We headed down from the top most level all the way to the first. Baki stopped there and conferred with the captain of the lowermost level. Kakuzu and Juugo were there and Zetsu and I rushed to talk to them.

"They're blowing up the wall!" I cried.

"I can see that," muttered Kakuzu.

"Well," I snapped. "What do we do!"

After a moment's consideration, he shrugged. "I suppose we defend the wall and make sure that no one gets through the hole…"

Suddenly a great shout rose up amongst the wall. "The Kazekage has come! The Kazekage has come!"

We turned to see if the shouts were true and found the red head talking to Bake and the other commanding officer. Quickly, we made our way through the crowds of the lower level to talk with them. Gaara stiffened as we approached, but we ignored our obviously unwelcome presence and said, "Any plans?"

Gaara hesitated and then said, "I can rebuild the hole in the wall."

"Really?" I asked. "How?"

"He controls sand," said Zetsu. "It is the ability he gained from have the One-Tail sealed inside of him."

"And you would know a lot about that," snapped Baki.

I ignored their bickering and turned to Gaara. "Then why are you standing around here instead of rebuilding the wall?'

"I can hardly rebuild it with them blowing it up every few seconds and the Wargonians attacking at the same time."

"Well then," said Kakuzu. "Why don't you let Hannah, Juugo, Zetsu, and me go down into the hole between the wall and fight off the Wargonian troops while Baki and the others contain the explosives. We'll buy you the time to rebuild the wall."

Gaara blinked. "That's a lot of time you need to buy me. And with so few."

"Then find Itachi and Sasuke and Tobi," I said. "They'll help."

"They're busy," said Baki. "We need their Sharingans to locate the explosives…"

"Then," I said. "We have the four of us to work with. End of story."

Baki and Gaara still looked reluctant, but we didn't give them any time to consider. Kakuzu led the way and Juugo, Zetsu, and I followed. We reached the edge of the wall where the explosives had blown away the sand. I hopped on Kakuzu's back and he jumped down. We landed on the hard sand below where hoards of Wargonians stood, adding explosives to the pile and slowly blowing away the wall.

"Hello, boys," I said, sliding off Kakuzu's back. "We seem to have a slight issue here."

"_You_," snarled one of the Wargonians. "I know you…"

A shadow rose from the ground behind the Wargonian, a menacing grin slapped across the shadow's face.

I cringed. "Um… you might want to take a look behind you…"

"What?" The Wargonian started to turn, but right about then was when Zetsu decided to take a bite out of the Wargonian's shoulder. The Wargonian screamed in pain, but Zetsu was merciless and he devoured the Wargonian within minutes.

"Ew…" I muttered.

Kakuzu smirked and turned to face Juugo as the hoards of Wargonians fell upon us. Kakuzu' spring from his back and threw the Wargonians in all directions. "Hey, Juugo!" shouted Kakuzu.

"What?" Juugo punched a Wargonian in the face before turning to stare.

"What happened to you arm?"

There was a pause. The Wargonians continued to try attack us not noticing as Juugo's eyes grew wide and a gray ripple crossed his skin and Juugo began to morph into a hideous monstrosity. Suddenly, instead on being patient, Juugo went on rampage and began ripping heads off every Wargonian he could get his hands on.

"Nice," I said to Kakuzu.

"You should be thanking Zetsu," said Kakuzu. "He's the one who ate Juugo's arm."

"Yeah, but I prefer not to congratulate Zetsu on his cannibalism."

Kakuzu grinned and then let on of his hearts unleash a whirlwind upon the Wargonians nearby. I gripped the handle of my frying pan and wielded it upon every single Wargonian I could get my hands on.

I can't recall how long the fight went on for. Between Juugo's violent rampage, Zetsu's cannibalism, Kakuzu's black tentacles, and my very deadly frying pan, the world was in chaos. Not only did we fight to the sound of dying Wargonians, but also to the explosions of the walls behind us. At some points, the Wargonians would try to attack _us_ with the explosives. However, Zetsu would sink underground and Juugo would continue rampaging (the explosives didn't affect him in monster form). Kakuzu would simply harden his body and use it to shield me – hurray for my normalness…

And then, the explosions stopped.

Whether Baki had managed to contain them or the Wargonians had simply run out, I don't know. But then Gaara appeared and the sands began to shift as he rebuilt the wall.

"Hannah!" shouted Kakuzu. "Don't get distracted!"

"Right!" I turned backed to the Wargonians and smashing in the nearest one's head with my frying pan.

The sands around me shifted and the fight was forced to move forward (unless we wanted to be sucked up with Gaara's sands and become part of the wall ourselves). The night war on and my arms started to ache. Only pure adrenaline and the threat of death kept me going.

And then, suddenly, with only an hour or so left until sunrise, the command came to get out of there.

Zetsu grabbed hold of my wrist and the two of us melted into the ground. When we found the surface again, we were up on the wall, gazing down at the masses of Wargonian troops. Juugo and Kakuzu had used jutsus to climb the wall and we were all back to safety (well, as close as safety can be on the front line of battle).

"Well," I said incredulously. "We managed to survive that."

Juugo's skin returned to normal and he nodded. "That was fun."

"Heh…" I groaned. "I wouldn't call it _fun_. Let's just say 'been there, done that – never again'."

"Hannah-Nunu!"

Tobi came running along the wall, his arms outstretched. He reached me and tried to give me a hug, but at the last second I stepped out of the way and Tobi went crashing to the ground.

"Hi, Tobi," I said. "It's, um, nice to see that you survived."

"Liar…" muttered Kakuzu.

"So you all lived through that," observed Sasuke. He and Itachi came along the wall from the same direction as Tobi. Apparently they had succeeded in their mission of locating the bombs and had come to find us.

"Of course," I said. "Piece of cake."

"Hn."

"Hannah-Nunu! Hannah-Nunu!" cried Tobi excitedly.

"What?" I asked wearily.

"Do you know what the troops are calling you and Kakuzu and Zetsu and Juugo?" he asked. "Hm? Do you, Hannah-Nunu? Do you? Come on! Say you don't! Tobi wants to tell you!"

As much as I really wanted to say I knew, just to torment Tobi, I was actually curious, so I said, "Fine… What are they calling us?"

Tobi giggled excitedly. "The Masters of the Night! Because you defeated those Wargonians so easily and helped the Kazekage rebuild the wall! The troops are impressed and you're now a legend. The Master of the Night! Tobi wants to be a Master of the Night."

"You're not cool enough," I said. "Maybe next time."

"Itachi's cool," pointed out Tobi. "And he's not a Master of the Night."

"Well, obviously we're cooler than Itachi."

Tobi gasped and then giggled delightedly. "Did you hear that, Itachi-senpai? Hannah-Nunu says that she's cooler than you are!"

"Hn."

"I don't think Itachi cares," said Juugo helpfully.

"But Itachi is way cooler than both Hannah-Nunu and Kakuzu – but they're the Masters of the Night. Hannah and Kakuzu have much smaller fan bases than Itachi-senpai, so shouldn't Itachi be the Master of the Night?"

I scowled. "Tobi…"

"But aren't you a big fan of Hannah-Nunu?" asked Juugo.

Tobi nodded enthusiastically. "Tobi is! Hannah-Nunu is Tobi's precious nunu! But Itachi is very popular with the ladies!"

"…"

"Tobi…" I said darkly. "Don't say another word."

"And Itachi-senpai is much prettier than Hannah-Nunu and Kakuzu."

[This scene is omitted due to extreme violence. However, I would like to use this opportunity to point out Rule Number Seventy-Eight: Tobi should learn to keep his mouth shut – after all, Hannah and Kakuzu are the Masters of the Night.]

"Well," I said, dusting off my hands as I stood over Tobi's mangled body. "I'm exhausted. I'm going to try and get some sleep before the next Wargonian attack comes."

"That sounds good," said Juugo and he followed me as we walked along the wall, heading for the camps.

"Hn."

"I think I'll come too…"

And with that, we left Tobi lying on the wall while the rest of us went off for several hours sleep. And trust me when I say, it was well-deserved and much appreciated sleep… Mmm…. Sleep….

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><p><strong>AN: Firstly, I would like to say that I uploaded my drawings of Dessie, Hannah, and Kate. The links are on my profile page. I apologize for my awful drawing skills, but it should give you a general idea of what they look like.**

**Anyways, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! I want to see if I can get 2000 reviews before the story ends... Please... If you don't review, Hannah will come and destroy you with her frying pan of DOOM mwahahahahaha**


	79. So Not Cool

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

The captured, gay-for-Gai, Wargonian Urm is leading Dessie and co into the city using the secret passages so that they may sneak in and destroy the Wargonians power source.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seventy-Nine: So Not Cool<strong>

**_Rule Number Seventy-Nine: Do not, under any circumstances, become imprisoned by Wargonians_**

**Dessie**

"This is disgusting."

"Dessie…"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

I sighed. With his arm still bound, Urm was leading us through the sewers towards the city. Gai had to keep Urm happy while the rest of us were supposed to follow quietly and obediently. Unfortunately, neither of those was my style and so, let the complaints reign free.

"You're worse than Hidan," said Deidara.

"Really?" I asked. "Because that's an accomplishment. I can't wait to get back and brag to Hidan that I stole his thunder."

"On second thought, Hidan is still worse than you."

"Aw, shit…"

Urm glared at us over his shoulder and then grinned wickedly at Gai. It was enough to make me puke. Who would have though… a gay Wargonian…Oh ew…

"Are you as repulsed as I am?" asked Sakura, coming to stand beside Deidara and me. Urm glanced over his shoulder and Sakura quickly covered his face with her hand. "It makes me ashamed to say I tried to seduce him."

"And failed," supplied Deidara.

"You failed at seducing him too!" snapped Sakura angrily. "Who are you to talk?"

"Well, you see," said Deidara. "I tried to fail at seducing him and guess what! It worked! Therefore, out of the two of us, I think I succeeded more then you did, uhn."

Sakura glowered while Deidara and I cracked up laughing. Suigetsu edged over to see what was so funny, but we couldn't find the words to answer him. So, instead, we continued walking and muttering to one another so that Gai and Urm couldn't hear us (we wouldn't want to intrude on their romance).

"I feel bad for Gai…" whispered Sakura.

"I don't," said Deidara. "If I remember correctly Gai and Lee took advantage of Leader during Konan's absence and tortured Leader with the power of youth… Didn't Leader beat the crap out of them, uhn?"

"Your leader is terrible," muttered Sakura.

Deidara and I grinned at her. "That's what you think," I said. "Personally, we think he's just frightening."

"Then why do you follow him!"

"Because Leader is awesome like that," I explained.

"I don't get it…"

"It's like why you can follow that big-breasted heathen," I said. "She's awful and nightmarish but for some bizarre reason you like her and devote yourself to her."

"Tsunade is not awful and nightmarish!"

I snorted. "I beg to differ. She is the reincarnation of evil."

"Just because she has a bigger chest than you…"

Immediately, I slapped my hand over Sakura's mouth. She stared at me wide-eyed and tried to struggle, but I kept her quite. A very serious look crossed my face as I said, "Don't ever utter those words. They are forbidden in my presence if you want to see the light of day again."

"She means it, uhn."

"Whoa!" exclaimed Suigetsu. "There's someone with a bigger chest than Dessie!"

"Shut…up…Suigetsu…" I hissed.

"Er… um…right… I knew it was impossible…"

"That's what I thought." I removed my hand from Sakura's mouth and continued walking, content that I had frightened them into never mentioning that horrible thing again. Deidara followed me, laughing his stupid ass off with amusement.

"You're a mini-devil," I said.

"Bang, bang?"

"Shut it."

We walked a little further in silence. Urm was still trying to hit on Gai. Poor Gai looked very uncomfortable and I found myself growing curious as to what kind of horrifying things Urm could be saying. But then again, I didn't want to have to wash my brain out with soap later and I decided it was best if Urm remained a mystery to me.

"It stinks down here…" complained Sakura.

"Well," said Suigetsu helpfully. "It is a sewer. It's supposed to smell bad."

"I know… but do you think I will ever get the smell out of these clothes!"

"Oh crap…" muttered Deidara, sniffing his Akatsuki cloak. "Kakuzu is going to kill me if I tell him I need a new one…"

"You're right…" I gawped at Deidara. "Oh my Warg! Can you imagine! Kakuzu will kill us all! It will be the ending of the world as we know it! He'll capture us all in his tentacles and rape us in ways we can't imagine! And then he'll use his five hearts to cut us up into little bitty pieces and burn us into cinders before drowning us and crushing us and it the end!"

Deidara grabbed his hair and screamed. "We're going to die! This smell had better wash out!"

"We're doomed!" I wailed. "We're all doomed!"

"Calm down," said Sakura, patting me on the shoulder. "It can't be all that bad. You're exaggerating."

Slowly, from the midst of our misery, Deidara and I turned to stare at Sakura.

"We're not exaggerating," said Deidara. "You don't know Kakuzu like we do – he will murder us all, uhn."

"Brutally," I added.

"All because you can't wash the smell out of your cloak and have to buy a new one?" asked Sakura. "That seems a little extreme… And besides, if we succeed this mission than we will save everyone's lives…"

I snorted. "Like Kakuzu cares. With him it's all about the money."

Deidara nodded. "And he has five hearts… he's pretty safe from death…"

"Five…"

"Five."

"Five?"

"Five."

"Really, five?"

"Godamnit! How many times do you people have to say five!" I screamed. "Yes, Kakuzu has five hearts! It's not that big of a deal besides turning him into a monstrosity!"

"Sorry…" muttered Sakura.

"What are you people shouting about?" asked Urm irritably. "Gai and I are busy up here!"

Gai mouthed "help me" in our direction. Suigetsu smiled and waved back quite happy to leave Gai alone to his suffering. Urm rolled his eyes at us and returned all of his soppy attention to Gai.

"I am scarred for life…" I said.

"My eyes…" groaned Deidara. "My eyes! They burn, uhn!"

"You guys are such sissies," said Suigetsu. "I mean really, a couple of gay guys isn't as bad as you think it is."

"Look at that," I hissed. "Look at it! If you can survive that image I would like to see you try! Don't pretend you haven't been averting your eyes every thing Urm wants to _cuddle_."

Suigetsu turned bright red. "Dear god – don't mention the cuddling!"

"That's what I thought."

"Hey, hey guys!"

We all turned to see Urm and Gai standing in the sewer, looking back at us. Gai looked relieved while Urm seemed very disappointed. When the rest of us finally reached them, Gai clapped Sakura on the back and announced, "We have arrived."

"Really?"

Gai nodded. "According to Urm we are currently underneath the sewer outside of the Wargonian High Temple. Which means, we need only go up and we will nearly be at our goal." Gai seemed overjoyed at this prospect.

"Right," I said. "So who's going up?"

"Not everyone," said Sakura. "Some people should stay behind as backup."

"I think Deidara, Suigetsu, and I should go," I said. "I've been in the temple before so I have some idea where I am going – Deidara is a long range fighter and we work well together – and Suigetsu is a good combatant."

Gai nodded stiffly. "I can see some youthful logic in that. What should we do with Urm?"

"Keep him down here," said Deidara. "I know how much you two want to be together for longer."

I swear Gai almost screamed.

With a cheerful wave good-bye, Deidara, Suigetsu, and I began climbing the ladder. The rungs were slippery and slimy and, frankly, rather disgusting. The higher up we went in the drain, the darker it became. Each touch of the ladder came with a new surprise (flies, spiders, and maggots – oh my!).

Suigetsu reached the top and with a mighty heavy, he pushed open the grate on top. Sunlight streamed down and illuminated everything. Deidara followed Suigetsu up into the sunlight and I slipped up after them. Thankfully, as Urm said, the exit from the grate was concealed by mountains of trash bags and a rubbish bin. We crawled out and crouched behind the rubbish, examining the situation carefully.

"Well, there aren't a lot of Wargonians in sight," said Suigetsu. "We can disguise ourselves as Wargonians briefly…"

"I can't," I muttered.

"Right, well…"

Deidara grinned and pulled a bit of clay out of his bag. He shaped it into the form of a tiny little bird. "We can fly up to the top of the temple and try and destroy the power source from there. Boom!"

"All three of us?" I asked eagerly.

"We'll have to move quickly then," said Suigetsu. "A bird like that will be noticed quickly."

"The birds a fast way of travel," I promised.

Deidara placed his artwork on the ground and, in a puff of smoke, the bird expanded. We leapt onto the back and the bird flapped its wings and leapt into the air. Below us, Wargonians looked up and pointed, shouting and screaming.

"Invaders! Get them! Kill them!"

I laughed as the gray-skinned Wargonians grew smaller and smaller as Deidara's bird took us up higher and higher. I grabbed hold of Deidara's arm to keep myself from falling. Suigetsu stood towards the back of the bird, trying hard not to fall. It was sort of amusing, especially since his gigantic sword put him off balance.

The bird soared closer to the light glowing at the top of the temple. There were no windows close to the top, but Deidara simply sent a smaller bird spiraling towards the building and blew a hole in the side of Warg's temple.

"I'm pretty sure there's some scripture about that!" I screamed.

"You're a failure of a Warganist anyways!" said Deidara, laughing. "Art is a bang!"

The bird soared towards the newly made hole and, when we were meters from it, the three of us jumped inside the temple. My shoulder hit the ground roughly and I rolled along, trying to lessen the impact. The rolling motion stopped and I lay there, groaning.

"That was a bitch…"

"Get up, Dessie."

Slowly, I opened my eyes and staggered to my feet. Suigetsu and Deidara were already standing (chances are those show-off shinobi never fell down), and they were face-to-face with a dozen Wargonian warriors. And trust me when I say, the Wargonians were _not_ in a good mood.

"They have violated the sanctity of Warg's temple!"

The voice came from behind us and we turned to see a dozen more Wargonians and their high priest, Urkakuk, at their head.

"I told you," I muttered. "There was something in the scriptures about blowing a hole in the side of the temple."

"I think our very existence is a violation of the scriptures, uhn."

"So," said Suigetsu. "Any plans."

"Yeah… Suigetsu… Would you mind running back to the others and telling them what happened?" I asked.

Suigetsu hesitated. "What about you?"

I gritted my teeth and drew back my fists. "We'll be fine."

"You're sure about that?" asked Suigetsu. "What if they kill you?"

"They won't. I won't let them."

"Bang, bang, bang…" muttered Deidara. "We're Akatsuki, you moron. Don't underestimate us."

Suigetsu nodded and without another word, he leapt out of the hole and plummeted downwards. We didn't have time to see what happened to Suigetsu. Instead, Deidara and I turned to face the Wargonians and smiled.

"You know," I said. "There must be something n the scriptures about killing a fellow Warganist…"

"Some how I don't think there is…"

"Well that sucks," I said. "What kind of crappy religion is this? Wargonians will go extinct within the fortnight."

Deidara grinned. "They obviously haven't – otherwise you and I wouldn't have this problem right now, uhn."

"Urg…" I groaned. "This is so not cool!"

"Uhn."

Rule Number Seventy-Nine: Do not, under any circumstances, become imprisoned by Wargonians.

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><p><strong>AN: I decided to be EXTREMELY NICE and updated even though I only got 19 reviews for last chapter. I am very, very, very, very, very, very, very disappointed in you all. However, it suddenly occurred to me that the sooner I update the sooner I can get to Dessie's next chapter, which, by the way, is FUCKING AWESOME! hahaha (there are no **s to stop me here! mwahahahahaha) **

**Anyways, review! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! OR I WILL NEVER GET TO DESSIE'S NEXT CHAPTER AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE ITS FUCKING AWESOMENESS! HELL YEAH! **


	80. Serial Killer Uncovered

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

Kate is on the hunt of a vicious serial killer who has been murdering the medic ninja in Konoha.

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><p><strong>Chapter Eighty: Serial Killer Uncovered<strong>

**_Rule Number Eighty: Wargonians are fearsome creatures_**

**Kate**

There is something really wrong with this picture. I don't believe it. I refuse to believe it. What the hell is going on here!

Three days after the first attack and I find myself standing, yet again, over the dead body of a medic ninja with the legs severed and several stab wounds in the face. Only this time, there was something very different and very wrong. Why are there pig-tracks leading away from the dead body!

I am confused. Very, very confused. The only pig in the area (that I know of) is Tonton. And, now that I think about it, I did capture Tonton as the serial killer earlier. But… WHY WOULD A PIG BE KILLING OF MEDICAL NINJAS! I grabbed my head and groaned. All this thinking was making me dizzy. There was only one solution to this nightmare and that was to stalk Tonton until the truth is revealed!

After cleaning up Tonton's tracks (I didn't want anyone to suspect the pig yet) I snuck out of the tent and went to search for Tonton.

"Kate!" cried Shizune, waving. "How are you?"

"Fine. Great. Fantastic. You?" I asked, slightly breathless.

"I'm good…" Shizune glanced at me suspiciously. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes. Perfectly fine. I was wondering if you've seen Tonton… I haven't played with her in awhile and I'm sure she must be lonely…" I shifted uncomfortably.

"Ah-hah! I know what's wrong with you!" cried Shizune.

I almost flipped out right then and there – what kind of crazy person could guess that I was freaked out because I have just discovered that a pig is responsible for the shinobis murders!

"You're worried about Kisame," said Shizune.

I blinked. "Um… yeah… How'd you…guess?"

"I'm psychic like that," said Shizune proudly. "But guess what!"

"W-what…?"

"I have good news. A report came in from Tsunade and she said that Pain, Konan, Kisame, and Hidan were exemplary members of the army – albeit a little brutal in their methods…"

A smile spread across my face and I nodded. "That would be Hidan."

"Probably. Well, I have to go. Tonton should be over there, by the way." Shizune waved her hand in the direction of her own personal tent. She made her way back to the busy medical tents while I went to find Tonton.

I didn't enter the tent, but peeked inside to make sure that Tonton was, in fact, there. Then, I camped out near the entrance and waited for Tonton. I ended up waiting several hours until the sun was setting low in the horizon, dying the sky red. Then, Tonton poked her little snout out of the tent. After making sure that there was no one around (I had stealthily hidden myself), Tonton scuttled along the ground in search of something.

I tailed after her, careful not to be seen by the pig. She wandered about the camp, passing by injured shinobi and rushing medics. Tonton led me all the way to the edge of camp where the tents were sparse and the tree grew widely. I followed her, using the trees for shelter as she delved deeper into the forest and away from the camp.

"Tonton…" I muttered. "What are you doing, you crazy pig?"

Of course, Tonton didn't hear me. She continued trotting through the forest until, suddenly, she came to a stop and turned to regard a tree. From what I could see, there was nothing fascinating about the tree, that was, until a gray-skinned figure leapt down from the tree's branches and landed beside Tonton.

I blinked.

A Wargonian. Only it wasn't just any Wargonian… This one was smaller and thinner than any Wargonian I had seen before. It took me a moment, but suddenly I realized that the Wargonian I was facing now was a child, probably no more than eight or nine years old.

To my horror, the Wargonian smiled and patted Tonton on the head. Tonton let out a little oink and wiggled appreciatively.

"There's a good girl," said the Wargonian. "I'm sorry to have to do this to you… but the god Warg demands it."

Tonton squirmed.

"You're going to have to kill again," whispered the Wargonian.

"Who's killing again!" I cried, stepping out from behind the tree. I kept the syringe clutched in my hand as I rounded on the Wargonian child. "What do you think you're doing to that poor, innocent pig!"

The Wargonian's eyes grew wide and he threw his hands in front of his face, backing away from me until his back hit a tree and he could move no further. "Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! I don't want to harm you! Please! Don't hurt me!"

I tried to look menacing and said, "You're setting Tonton on all the medics at camp, aren't you?"

He shook his head.

"Don't lie!" I cried, my voice squeaking at the end.

"Alright!" he wailed. "I did! But it was for Warg! The great and all mighty Warg! And the Elders ordered me to…"

"Elders? What Elders? What's you name? What are you doing to Tonton? Why is she killing people?" I raised the syringe to eye level and pointed it at the Wargonian. "Don't make me… hurt you!"

"My name is Adler! My name is Adler!" He was practically crying now. "The Elders said that because Warg granted me a gift with animals I was to use my gift and influence some animals to kill off the enemy medics! I don't want to make the pig kill… I don't! But Warg…"

My hand was shaking violently. This little boy… Adler… He killed people… using _Tonton_… So why did he look so cute!

I dropped the syringe and flung my arms around Adler's neck, tears streaming down my face as well. "It's okay! It's okay! I won't hurt you! I promise! Please don't! Please don't cry!"

Of course, this only made Adler cry harder and he hugged me back.

"Whoa! Kate… What's going on here?"

My heart froze for a second and then leapt as recognition flooded me. I released Adler and spun around, a glowing smile crossing my face. "Kisame! Kisame! Look! Look who I found!"

Kisame, his face as blue as ever, was staring at me in the upmost horror. His sword was drawn and he was holding it tightly in his hand while several Konoha shinobi stood around him with similar confused expressions. Finally, when Kisame managed to stabilize himself, he said, "Um… Kate… That is a Wargonian you were…um…hugging… right?"

My face turned bright red and, embarrassed, I nodded. "But look at him! He's so _cute_!"

At once, everyone's attention turned to Alder, who was weeping miserable still. Their expressions turned to mush as they beheld his cuteness and some even "awwww"ed.

"Kate…" said Kisame slowly (he is not one to be affected by cuteness).

"But Kisame…" I said, pouting. "He's adorable! Even if he is the murder who has been controlling Tonton and causing her to kill all those medic – but he's so cute!

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Killed all the medics? Kate, what am I going to do with you?"

I smiled.

"Right," said Kisame, turning to face the group of shinobi around him. "Get the pig and the Wargonian and take them back to camp. We'll report the discovery to Tsunade. Meanwhile," added Kisame, his attention returning to me. "I will deal with the Wargonian-Fan-Girl over here."

"I'm not a fan girl," I said stubbornly. "That's Dessie. I just so happen to like cute things."

Without a word of warning, Kisame walked over and picked me up as if I weighed nothing at all. I let out a frail cry of "Let me go!" before giving up and resigning myself to be carried by Kisame.

Rule Number Eighty: Wargonians are fearsome creatures – but the most fearsome of all are the _really _cute ones.

It was a bit humiliated to be brought back into camp slung over the shoulder of a big, blue shark guy. The medical ninja paused in their work and stared at me confusedly, a couple of them cracked smiles and waved – apparently my relationship with Kisame was no secret. Finally, after a good fifteen minutes of embarrassment, Kisame lifted me off of his shoulder and set me down. Unfortunately, his chose to set me down right in front of the Hokage.

"So, Kate, what's this I hear about you uncovering the killer?" asked Tsunade with a pleasant smile plastered across her face.

I immediately got chills up my spine from just looking at her. Carefully, I backed up to cower behind Kisame, who just looked faintly amused by the whole ordeal. Tsunade stared me down until, finally, I said, "I found the killer…"

"How?" Tsunade's smile could cause any fearless man to have nightmares for weeks.

"Well… I found one of the murder victims with Tonton's tracks leading away…" I said. "So I decided to follow Tonton… And Tonton led me into the forest where Adler was waiting…"

"You idiot!" cried Tsunade, her happy expression shattering into a thousand pieces. "You idiot! You're not a shinobi! You could have been killed!"

"But I wasn't…"

"You could have been! What if it had been an adult Wargonian commanding Tonton! What would you have done if he'd kidnapped you! You're not a shinobi, Kate! You're a civilian! You can't fight off these Wargonians like shinobi can! Why didn't you just tell Shizune or me and _we would have taken care of it_! You don't have to be the hero, Kate!"

I cowered behind Kisame. "I'm not a civilian…"

"She has a point," said Kisame. "She's not."

"Stay out of this!" snapped Tsunade. "This is none of your business!"

"Actually," said Kisame. "It sort of it. Kate _is_ my girlfriend after all. And I, honestly, have no issues with her chasing after serial killers."

Tsunade gawped at him. "You're an awful boyfriend!"

"Actually," I said in a smallish voice. "He's a very good boyfriend."

Kisame grinned and ruffled my hair fondly. "She spends her days with a group of psychotic criminals. If she can survive Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, Deidara, Leader, Konan, Zetsu, Tobi, and me – I think se can handle any Wargonian – even if he wields as mass murdering pig."

I smiled glowingly at Kisame. "Thank you…"

With a sigh, Tsunade threw her hands up in the hair. "Fine. Do whatever you like. I don't care anymore. Just don't die, Kate."

I nodded. "What happened to Tonton and Adler?"

"They were both contained. I promise no harm will come to Adler as long as he cooperates and Tonton is isolated for her own good. We don't want her to be manipulated into killing again."

With a nod, I took Kisame's hand in mine and the two of us headed out of Tsunade's tent. We strolled through the camp in no particular direction. Kisame told me his war stories (mostly about him decapitating violent Wargonians) and I listened delightedly. I was, of course, repulsed by the gruesome stuff, but Kisame just though I was _cute_ when I did that.

Suddenly, I realized that we were standing outside of Sai's tent. Eagerly, I pulled Kisame inside and glanced around until my eyes fell upon Sai's face.

"Sai! Sai!" I cried, rushing forward and dragging Kisame behind me. "Guess what! I caught the serial killer!"

Slowly, Sai glanced up from his book. He looked at me, to Kisame, and back to me. "That's good."

"I saved you from the murderer!" I cried. "I was so worried that he was going to get you – or she since it was Tonton – that I stayed by your bed all night with a syringe in my hand so that if the killer came, I could protect you!"

Sai smiled. "Thanks, Cutie."

There was a pause.

Kisame moved behind me and I heard a rustling sound. When I turned around, I saw that Kisame – with a vicious expression slashed across his face – had drawn his sword and was now raising it above his head, preparing to lob of Sai's head.

"How dare you!" cried Kisame, his eyes burning with the usual murderous rage. "How dare you flirt with my girlfriend! I will slice of your shitty head and feed it to that wretched serial killer pig! While it devours you flesh I will stand above you and laugh and you will know the punishment for those la-dee-da pretty boys who try and steal my girl away from me! Just because I'm _blue_ does not mean Kate and I don't have a happy, loving relationship!"

"Someone has some serious issues," said Sai thoughtfully.

"Wait!" I cried, trying to stop Kisame from murdering Sai. "It's nothing serious! I love you, Kisame! Really! He just… it's my nickname! Really! I promise!"

Of course, Kisame wasn't convinced. So, after saving Sai from one animalistic serial killer, I spent the hours after trying to save Sai from another. The things I do for men who call me cute…

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><p><strong>AN: I hit twenty reviews for the last chapter and now I'm updating. Hahaha the real reason is because I REALLY want to get to the next Dessie chapter (I am currently in the middle of writing it - almost done). I plan on staying up tonight and finishing this book. haha I will stay up until six if I have to! (That's a lie, I will probably stay up until three and be like "screw it" - but my goal is to finish before I go to bed). And then I will FINSIHED MY STUPID SUMMER READING OF A WHOLE EIGHT BOOKS! (I have two weeks left for seven of them).**

**REVIEW! ONCE THE REVIEWS FOR THIS CHAPTER HIT TWENTY, I'M UPDATING! So, this could potentially be three chapters in a row if everyone reviews fast enough. hehehe have fun... **


	81. Fire and Oil

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

Hannah and the other Suna shinobi are defending the walls surrounding Suna from the attacking Wargonians

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><p><strong>Chapter Eighty-One: Fire and Oil<strong>

**_Rule Number Eighty-One: Itachi is sort of like a god when it comes to jutsus_**

**Hannah**

This is ridiculous. And I mean ridiculous. The Wargonians are like _flies_. Beastly little flies that swarm all over the walls of Suna and devour every weak shinobi in their path. I would be dead right now if it weren't for my friends on the other side (by that I mean the Akatsuki).

The war has been going on for a week now – trust me when I say, war is hell. Now, I know that most giant wars last years and years, but this one is different. This is a shinobi versus Wargonian war, and the Wargonians, well, they hate to take too long. Like a swarm they come, they see, and they conquer. The only thing their enemies can do is try not to be conquered too quickly. And that's exactly what these Suna shinobi tried to do.

After one week of fighting, we had only lost the lower-most level of the wall. Wargonians flooded the place while Suna shinobi fired everything they had at the Wargonians below. But, for some god-awful reason, the Wargonians still survived.

"You look upset."

I glanced over to see Kakuzu standing beside me, looking uncharacteristically concerned. My eyes wandered back to the scene of war below and I sighed. "Maybe a little."

We stood on top of the Great Wall and gazed down. The shinobi gave everything they got to be rid of the Wargonians. Lights flashed and screams echoed across the desert sands. Blood stained the walls of Suna.

"Let me guess," said Kakuzu. "You're worried that Dessie and Deidara are dead."

Slowly, I nodded. "Yeah."

Silence stretched between us and, when I could stand it not longer, I added, "And what will become of us if they are dead."

"We'll probably die too," said Kakuzu.

I laughed. "What? No words of kindness? No 'It's okay, we'll still defeat the Wargonians – don't worry, Hannah.' You're awful at this whole comfort thing."

"And you're awful at this whole pitiful damsel in distress thing," said Kakuzu. "I think we should both stick to our day jobs."

"You're right," I said, scuffing my foot against the dusty ground. "We're both failures in life. So, then would your dream girl be a perfect damsel in distress who always needs saving?"

Kakuzu snorted. "Hell no. That's a waste of my time and my time is money."

"Right, I forgot that Ms. Wendy is your true love – and she's no damsel in distress."

At this, Kakuzu let out a wheezing laugh and he turned to regard me with brilliant humor in his eyes. "I don't really love Ms. Wendy. Never have never will. She has money. I love money. That's all there is to it. I will never fall in love with anything or anyone except money. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you heartless wretch," I said. "Same old story every time."

"Dear god," gasped Kakuzu. "I sound like Sasuke!"

I laughed. "Or, as Dessie would call him, Mini-Hottie. I don't think sounding like Mini-Hottie makes you any hotter though, sorry."

"I don't want to be anywhere on Dessie's Hottie list," said Kakuzu grouchily.

The mention of Dessie and her weirdness sent of pang of nervousness through my stomach. I scowled and kicked the ground hard before saying, "I hope they're alright… I hope Dessie and Deidara live and destroy that stupid power source. I mean… What if they're dead? What if the Wargonians have captured them and sawed off their arms and legs and made them dance around on hot coals while prodding them with hot pokers… And then… what if the Wargonians scalp them and fill their brainpans with hot coals and make them carry on dancing until they can move no more and then, finally, burn them alive!"

Kakuzu blinked. "You could possibly be more vicious than Leader."

"High school summer reading for American History," I explained. "They tortured some poor bastard like this…"

"Well, I think it's safe to say that the Wargonians probably won't torture and kill Dessie and Deidara like that… Hopefully…"

"Yeah…I hope they're still alive…"

"They are."

Both Kakuzu and I paused and turned to see Itachi standing behind us. His red eyes glowed in the moonlight and his black hair rustled slightly in the night breeze.

"What?" I asked.

"Dessie and Deidara are fine," repeated Itachi.

"How can you be so sure?" asked Kakuzu. "Unless you're lying to make Hannah happier – but I never figured you the type to do that."

"I'm not," said Itachi. "They'll be fine. Do you really think Hidan would let Dessie die?"

Kakuzu and I exchanged puzzled glances. Slowly, we turned back to Itachi and I said, "But… You heard about the message from Leader and Konan, right? Hidan never made it to Wargonia…"

Itachi stared. "Hn."

I resisted the overwhelming urge to slam my head against the ground in exasperation. When I had managed to calm down enough, I asked Itachi, "What do you mean? Hidan never made it to Wargonia, how could he protect Dessie?"

"Hn."

This time I really did slam my head against something – only this something happened to be Kakuzu's shoulder. He simply pushed me backwards away from him and then proceeded to ask Itachi, "Okay, so Dessie is safe. What about Deidara? I'm pretty sure Hidan isn't going to protect Deidara as carefully as he protects Dessie."

Itachi shrugged. "Do you really think Dessie would let Deidara die?"

"That's true," I said. "He's her Bang-Bang-Hottie." I made a face.

"And since you would murder her if she came back alive and Deidara was dead," added Kakuzu.

My eyes narrowed and I turned to regard Kakuzu suspiciously. "What are you implying?"

"I'm implying that you l–"

"THE WARGONIANS HAVE BREACHED THE SECOND LEVEL!"

My heart skipped a beat and I turned to stare, wide-eyed at Kakuzu and Itachi. "Crap. Should we go help them?"

"Well," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "We could go down to the second level and try to prevent the Wargonians from invading deeper into Suna – or I could continue teasing you about having a romantic interest in Deidara. It's your choice."

"Let's go."

With a laugh, Kakuzu led the way for Itachi and I. We pushed our way through the crowd of rushing shinobi, down towards the lower levels where the Wargonians had begun to clash with the men and women protecting the second level. I think we were somewhere at the third level when we caught sight of Baki and Gaara. Itachi side-stepped the crowd and changed our direction so that we made our way over to join the tactical meeting.

"Shit," Baki was saying, "We can't afford to lose much more of the wall."

"We must hold them then," said Gaara grimly.

"Yes, but how?"

"We could drop fire and oil on them," said Itachi grimly. "In the pathway they have established and then all along the lower levels of the wall if we can. They might be able to avoid most of it, but it will give us the upper hand."

Gaara glanced at Itachi and then said, "We don't have time to gather enough oil for that."

"I can give you the time," said Itachi, his red eyes gazing emotionlessly at Gaara. "We'll just do the areas where they infest the second-level then."

Slowly, Gaara nodded. "I'll help you."

"Be careful," warned Baki. "I don't know how to explain to the Sand that their Kazekage died."

"Send up a signal before you unleash the oil," said Gaara. "So Itachi and I have time to leave. Ask the men at the factory. You can get there fast enough, can't you?"

"Yes."

"Kakuzu, Hannah," said Itachi. "You are in charge of the fire and oil."

"Yeah, yeah," said Kakuzu, turning around. "Already on it. Don't use your eyes too much. Kisame won't be happy."

"Hn." Itachi turned and left with the equally cold Gaara walking beside him. They made their way through the crowds of shinobi towards the second level. I watched the two of them for a moment before turning around and following Baki and Kakuzu in search of enough oil to blow the Wargonians all the way to their god and back.

"It'd be so much easier if Deidara was here," I observed. "He could just drop his bombs on them."

"And you'd like that, wouldn't you," said Kakuzu.

I decided to go for the mature method of not verbally retaliating, so, instead, I hit him on the head with the frying pan.

"Don't try and kill each other yet," snapped Baki. He stopped mid-walk and turned to regard Kakuzu andI."I am going to take ten men and borrow oil from the factory. It'll take us about twenty minutes to half an hour, understand? I want you two to find a suitable spot to drop the oil."

"Have fun," I muttered.

With a glare in my direction, Baki motioned to a group of shinobi and, within two minutes, they had sprinted off in the direction of the factory, leaving Kakuzu and I alone amongst the rabble of shinobi on the third-level.

"Well," said Kakuzu. "We should get to work."

"As long as you don't mention Deidara, I'm fine," I said darkly.

"You're the one who keeps bringing him up."

I rolled my eyes and ignored him. The two of us made our way around the level, searching for the infiltration point where Itachi and Gaara were now battling the Wargonians. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done since the Wargonians were _everywhere_ and it was _impossible_ to spot Itachi and Gaara amongst them.

"You would think," I said angrily. "That we could find two pale skinned guys – on with black hair and one with red – amongst all these stupid Wargonians."

Kakuzu snorted. "You would think."

He stopped walking and squinted out at the hoards of Wargonians running around on the level below. There were no shinobi battling the Wargonians now (Gaara probably sent the order for the shinobi to draw back). From what I could tell, the Wargonians now covered about a quarter of the circumference of Suna on the second level (yay! I know geometry! … Note the sarcasm).

"I don't see them," I said frustrated.

"Wait for it…"

I glanced at Kakuzu. "Wait for what?"

"Itachi."

At first, I didn't understand. And then, something huge and black twitched in the distance. I turned my head to see what was going on and, in the levels below, a gigantic black fire had sprouted from nowhere. Like a monster, it feasted upon the Wargonian troops. They screamed and battled the fire, trying to escape its grasp, but the black fire was too overwhelming even for the Wargonians forces.

"What is that?" I whispered.

"Itachi's technique," said Kakuzu. "Amaterasu. It's one hot flame."

"Why doesn't he just burn the entire army with it?" I asked.

"Because it takes a heavy toll on his eyes and physical health," explained Kakuzu. "The longer we take to bring out the oil, the more damaged Itachi will receive."

"Oh…" I considered this for a moment. "I take it we're not going to tell Baki this or he might purposely take a long time to collect the oil."

"Of course."

"Wait!" I cried, my eyes fixating on two figures a little ways along the wall from where Kakuzu and I stood. "There! I see Itachi and Gaara!"

Kakuzu followed my gaze and nodded. "That'll be them. Let's go."

As we raced along the wall, I kept my eyes fixed on the small figures. Gaara had made a sort of wall out of sand to stop the Wargonians from advancing any further (supposedly he made one on the other side as well). The two of them stood on top of the wall and Itachi had used his sharingan to set the black fire ablaze. From what I could see, Itachi was clutching his eye as if in great pain.

Soon, Kakuzu and I reach the spot on the third-level closest to where Gaara and Itachi stood. Neither of them noticed us, which, I suspect, was as if should be.

"Alright," said Kakuzu. "Where to dump the oil…."

He walked along the wall until he was about ten meters away from the wall which Gaara had built. Using his foot, Kakuzu made a deep X on the ground. "Here…" He moved ten meters to the right side, away from Gaara, and drew another X. "And here…" He moved another ten meters and did the same. Kakuzu continued to do the same until he reached the wall that Gaara had created on the other side of the Wargonian forces. Then, Kakuzu turned to me and said, "We need _a lot _of oil."

"We have a lot."

Surprised, both Kakuzu and I turned to see Baki and his army of followers heading towards us. There were about thirty of them and each one was carrying a gigantic barrel.

"Oil, I hope," said Kakuzu.

"Most of it," said Baki. "Some of it is alcohol."

"As long as it burns," said Kakuzu, shrugging. "I marked to sports where the oil should be spilled. Signal to Itachi and Gaara. Itachi will set the oil and alcohol alight."

"You sure you're not putting a lot of pressure on him?" I asked.

"It's Itachi."

"Good point."

Rule Number Eighty-One: Itachi is sort of like a god when it comes to jutsus.

Baki and his men set up the oil and alcohol in the spots Kakuzu marked, meanwhile, Kakuzu and I moved back to where Itachi and Gaara stood. Kakuzu set off the flare and Gaara reinforced his sands while Itachi brought a halt to Amaterasu. Then, when the black flames subsided, the Suna shinobi let loose the oil and alcohol, dumping the liquids on the Wargonians below. And then, all that was left was fore Itachi to use his jutsu and, with is giant fire ball, set the Wargonians alight.

Amazingly enough, what happened next went according to plan (that never happens, does it?). The majority of Wargonians managed to use their god's powers to avoid the fire, but a good third of them had been taken out by the Amaterasu and the oil and fire trick. When the Wargonians managed to smother the flames, Gaara lowered his sand walls and unleashed the Suna shinobi upon the invading Wargonian forces. The shinobi managed to force the Wargonians back to the lowest level and Gaara rebuilt the reinforcements.

"Well," said Kakuzu, leaning back. "That was a success."

"Hurray…" I muttered.

"Wow! Did you see those flames!" cried one of the shinobi. "Those black ones! Created by the Uchiha…"

"Uchiha Itachi," said another soldier. "He's a member of that criminal organization, the Akatsuki…"

"Yeah… but he's impressive. A true Master of the Night."

They laughed. "The night belongs to Uchiha Itachi!"

In silence, Kakuzu and I watched as the soldiers walked by. When they were gone, Kakuzu and I turned to stare at the spot, a little ways ahead, where a medic ninja was dealing with Itachi's wounded eye.

"Kakuzu…" I said.

"Hannah."

"Do you see an issue with this?"

"Yes, yes I do."

I gritted my teeth and glared at Itachi. "You understand the serious of this, don't you?"

Kakuzu nodded. "Of course."

"No one can steal our roles as Masters of the Night."

"Of course."

"You know what that means?"

Kakuzu stood upright and turned his back to Itachi, walking back up the wall towards camp. "Tomorrow night," he said. "The Uchiha is going down."

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><p><strong>AN: haha yeah, I sort of got kicked off the computer last night at one. But I have written up to chapter 84 (I am working on that one now). Anyways, mwahahahaha Hannah and Kakuzu are evil. They make an amazing pair of demonic soldiers - FEAR THEM! IF YOU DARE! And I promise you that Kakuzu's tentacles will not be raping anyone any time soon. **

**Oh, I have good news. There was a miscount on my chapter plan - there will actually be 89 chapters on the final version plus an extra fun Bonus Chapter! (Aren't you hyped up? I know I am). And then,,, After that, On to the sequel "Criminally Insane Just Got More Legal" mwahahahahaha (I altered the title slightly) **

**Now, the moment I hit twenty reviews - here comes DESSIE'S NEXT CHAPTER! REVIEW! OR KAKUZU AND HANNAH WILL BRING THEIR WRATH DOWN UPON YOU! MWAHAHAHAHA (I seriously need to quit it with the caps lock) **


	82. Interrogation Fails

**A/N: Yes, I am putting the author's note at the beginning of the chapter. I like doing this so that the end can stand alone. This is the chapter when what Hidan said to Dessie from Chapter 70 is revealed. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go back and read chapter 70. Anyways, just to give you fair warning, this chapter is gross in places, but only because it is necessary. **

**REVIEW! **

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><p><strong><em>Summary of Events: <em>**The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

Dessie and Deidara have been captured by the Wargonians.

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><p><strong>Chapter Eighty-Two: Interrogation Fails <strong>

**_Rule Number Eighty-Two: Death threats are sort of useless when you're being kept prisoner in enemy territory_**

**Dessie**

Ow…

It hurts…

And I don't say this often, but when it hurts, _it hurts_. I mean, really, what kind of crazy person does not think that it is painful to be suspended from the ceiling by only two chains that are cuffed to your wrists? It fucking hurts!

Alright, Dessie, I told myself. You can handle this. Go to your happy place… Your happy place…

"Crap!" I cried aloud. "My happy place is so shitty that it's being renovated and I'm not allowed in! How crappy is that!"

Silence, of course, was my only answer. After they had captured us, the Akatsuki separated Deidara and me. They brought me into this prison cell and suspended me from the ceiling with chains. They beat me and left me to rot. No doubt, they would return for questioning, but until that time I was left to my own miserable sufferings – yay…

Everything ached. My arms ached. My legs ached. My head ached. My stomach ached. My muscled ached. I was one gigantic ache fest – and it was _not funny_!

"Just you wait, you shitty in Wargonians!" I cried. "When I get free of here I'm going to kick you all between the legs and stop any chance of you reproducing! That will put an end to your shitty race! And, if that's not enough, I will call in all my friends and unleash them upon you! I'll tell Kate that you insulted Mr. Nibbles! And Hannah will pound you all to death with her frying pan of mass destruction! Then there's Deidara! Deidara is going to blow all your faces into unrecognizable bloody smears! And Kisame's monster sword will devour you all for breakfast! Literally! And Konan! Prepare for the world paper cut you have ever gotten in your life!"

The door to my prison opened and the all too familiar face of Urkakuk entered, accompanied by his two bodyguards.

Urkakuk smirked and surveyed me scornfully. "What are you rambling about?"

"Shut up," I snapped. "I'm not finished! You see, after Kate destroys you, Hannah beats you, Deidara blows you up, Kisame's sword eats you up, and Konan gives you the worst paper cut of your life – it gets worse! Because Itachi will sharingan your ass from here to Wargonian hell where Jashin rules supreme!" (insert evil laugh here) "And then, and then, Tobi will go all Madara and show you how to kick ass – _double_ Uchiha style! And then… after that… The dead Akatsuki member, Sasori – I think his name was – will rise from the grave and use his puppets to kill you all and poison you all and beat you all to death – in no particular order! And then, Leader will scare you all with his brutal, merciless threats, and after that he'll unleash all six Pains on you and you can only scream for mommy as you _suffer_! Oh! And then here comes Kakuzu! His tentacles will _rape_ _you all_! And then his five fucking hearts will destroy you and chomp you to mincemeat! Next! Next there's Zetsu – he will devour you all alive and much and much and munch until you can only feel pain as his teeth rip you to shreds!"

"Are you done yet?"

"Not even close! But I'll end it quickly for you! After all that, Hidan will come! And Hidan will be as pissed off as hell becomes he fucking loves me and you fucking hurt me! And then, Hidan will sacrifice every single one of you to Jashin and he will laugh the entire time, you shitheads!"

"…"

Urkakuk yawned. "Done now?"

Rule Number Eighty-Two: Death threats are sort of useless when you're being kept prisoner in enemy territory.

"Yeah, yeah I'm done."

"Good," said Urkakuk, taking a step forward. "I'm surprised you still have the energy left to yell."

"You'd be surprised what I have the energy left to do," I said darkly.

"Oh?"

"Pervert."

Urkakuk scowled. "I am the High Priest of Warg – I am above such things as perverted tendencies."

"Whatever you say," I said. "I'm glad of that though, because I'd rather be tortured than be touched by _you_."

Urkakuk's face stiffened, but before he could say anything, the door opened yet again and – surprise, surprise – Urm entered the room, his eyes flashing angrily when he was that I was still in one piece.

"You haven't killed her yet?"

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Not yet," said Urkakuk. "We have to extract information from her."

Urm snorted. "Use the other girl – the blond one. At least she's better looking."

My eye twitched and I raised my head to glare at Urm. "What did you just say?" I asked in a low and deadly tone. "Did you just say that _Deidara_ – a _guy_ – is better looking than me?"

"A guy…?" asked Urm slowly.

"You asshole!" I screamed. "The moment I get out of here I will rip you into tiny shreds and feed you too Zetsu!"

"Oh, I'm so scared," said Urm, his voice high-pitched and mocking. "If you must know, when you and the other two left the tunnel, I managed to escape after you and alert the authorities. We were too late to capture the others, but we caught Blondie and you."

"Wow," I said. "So the homosexual Wargonian has a use."

"I'm not homosexual!" cried Urm angrily. "I am Urm, the apprentice High Priest of Warg! I am above such things!"

"It's okay to be a homosexual, you know," I said. "Though I don't approve of being attracted to Gai, of all people."

"I like girls," said Urm angrily.

"Sure you do… Then why do you keep calling Deidara hot? He's a _guy_ you know."

"Who is Deidara?"

I rolled my eyes. "The Blond Fur Ball."

For a moment, Urm just stared at me. Then, his eyes started to bug out and he gasped on air, unable to comprehend what was going on. "Oh ew! Yuck! What the hell?"

Urkakuk sighed and pushed Urm to the side, stepping forward until he was only feet away from me. "Don't give her any sense of power, Urm. She is useless here. And her life is in the palm of our hands."

"Oh," I cried , pretending to wince. "I'm terrified. I think I just wet my pants – you think I can get a change of clothes?"

"Don't mock the Mighty Urkakuk!" exclaimed Urm angrily.

"Quiet," snapped Urkakuk.

"Yeah, dipshit," I said. "Listen to the Mighty Urkakuk – shut the hell up."

"Can I kill her?" asked Urm.

"Not yet," said Urkakuk. "And if you say another word I will force you to leave. Understand? You will not ruin the interrogation opportunity."

"Fine."

"Thanks, Urkakuk," I said. "You're saving me a bitch of a headache."

Slowly, Urkakuk turned back to me and regarded me carefully. He took another step forward until his face was inches from mine. He smiled and said, "So, what's your name?"

I grinned. "I could tell you – or I could not."

Urm ground his teeth together but, according to Urkakuk's wishes, Urm did not saw a ward.

WHAM!

A fist, hard and shard, slammed into the side of my face. I bit down on my tongue of drew blood. The warm, red liquid swelled up in my mouth and I spat it out on the floor. "Now, Urkakuk," I gasped. "Is that any way to treat your guest?"

"Darum."

One of Urkakuk's bodyguards pulled a knife out of his bag and placed it carefully in Urkakuk's hand. Urkakuk raised the knife to my face so that all my right eye could see was the sharp, silver blade of the knife.

"What's you name?"

I glanced at the knife and smiled. "Most people call me Dessie, but you – _only you_- have to call me Desdemona."

"Well, then, _Dessie_," said Urkakuk, withdrawing the knife from my face. "That wasn't so hard."

"Desdemona," I corrected him. "I won't answer another question unless you call me Desdemona. Desdemona was the name my shitty mother gave me and only you are so low and vile that you must use that name too."

"Fine then, _Desdemona_," snapped Urkakuk. "What are you doing in Wargonia?"

"Isn't that obvious enough?" I asked.

"You want to destroy the power source given to us by the great god Warg?" snapped Urkakuk angrily.

"Yep. Pretty much."

"You'll give away your secrets so easily?" asked Urkakuk incredulously.

"Why not?" I asked. "You probably assumed these things already. Just wait until you get to the really tough questions."

"Where are the rest of your group?"

I attempted to shrug, but the chains were too heavy. "I don't know. I was gone by the time they left. The homosexual Urm's guess is as good as mine."

Urm's eyes narrowed and, behind Urkakuk's back, he flipped me off. I smiled and made a kissy face at him. "Love you too, Urm, darling," I said.

"Fine," said Urm. "Is there anyone else here in Wargonia? Besides your group?"

I smiled. "And right about there is when these questions get difficult."

"There isn't is there?"

My smile broadened. "Sure."

Urkakuk raised his knife. "Don't make me hurt you. You know I don't want to do this."

"No," I said. "I'm pretty sure you do want to. You want to maul me into little bits because I am a _bitch_ – believe me, I know. How many times in my life do you think I've been called a bitch?" I started counting in my head, but I lost count pretty quickly. "Nah. Let's just say well over a hundred."

"You're demented," spat out Urm.

Urkakuk glared at Urm and then returned his attention to me. "Tell me. Are there more groups than just yours?"

I smiled. "You can cut me up all you want."

And that's exactly what he did. He pressed the tip of his blade to my cheeks and, very carefully, he began craving a symbol into my cheek. The pain echoed through my skin. I gritted my teeth and refrained from screaming out through the agony. Blood trickled down my cheek and dripped to the floor, creating a puddle beneath me. When he was done with his work of art, Urkakuk stepped away and said, "And now, the symbol of Warg will be forever with you – not that your forever will be very long."

"Awww," I muttered through the pain. "I always wanted a tattoo. I guess this way I can rub it in Hidan's face."

"The Jashinist," said Urkakuk darkly.

"Yeah…"

"Tell me," said Urkakuk." Are there more of you?"

I considered for a moment, before decided the appropriate response was: "Go to hell, dick."

"Darum," said Urkakuk. "Get me the red-hot poker."

Darum walked out of the room, leaving the rest of us behind in silence. Then, Darum returned, holding a long, metal poker in hand, the tip of it glowing bright orange. Urkakuk took the poker from his bodyguard.

"Now," said Urkakuk, returning his attention back to me. "Tell me."

"You know," I said thoughtfully. "Hidan and I always did have our differences. I mean, we're very similar. We're both violent, psychotic, we bitch a lot, and we swear like there's no tomorrow. However, there is this one area we differ on…"

Urkakuk raised the poker and took a step towards me the poker raised towards my face. "Now for the other cheek."

"You see," I continued. "While I was quite the devoted Warganist, Hidan had the misfortune of being a Jashinist – ridiculous, right?"

There was no response. The poker drew dangerously close to my face. "Tell me," repeated Urkakuk.

"In a minute," I said. "Let me finish my story. So anyways, as I was saying, Hidan and I differed on this one thing – religion. It's a terrible thing to differ on, but it happened. We had epic fights about it. And you know, thought the entire thing I thought Warg was one pretty badass god. But, then I fell through that stupid portal and landed in this stupid world and, ever since them, I've begun to realize a great truth."

Silence.

I gripped the chains that bound my wrist and lifted my body upwards. With all the strength I could muster, I swung my legs forward and brought them crashing down into Urkakuk's chest.

Eyes wide with shock, he went crashing to the ground, the poker spurting out of his hand and spearing Urm in the leg. Urkakuk and his bodyguards were too shocked to even react to my sudden outburst. I dangled from my chains and, with gritted teeth and a bloody cheeks, I grinned at then and said:

"Warg sucks. I'm converting to Jashinism."

[The author apologizes for having to omit the scene that goes here, but what Dessie is doing right now is the Jashinist ritual which will cause her to become immortal. The details of this ritual were told to Dessie all the way back in Chapter Seventy: Fondish Farewells where all the readers were dying to know what secret Hidan told Dessie, well, this is it – he told her the Jashinists' secret to immortality.]

Being immortal is the weirdest feeling ever. I mean, really, it this sudden, abrupt feeling of _immortality_. No one, absolutely no one, can hurt me. Already, I could feel the cut on my cheek beginning to heel and, within minutes, it was no longer there. Just a bloody streak on my cheeks which had once been a cut.

"Damn," I said. "I'm on fire."

The Wargonians gawped at me, unable to understand what had just happened.

"You know," I said. "I really resent this. I'm going to have to go back to the Fence and face Hidan and he's going to be all _oh I'm so cool – I knew telling you how to become immortal would come in handy – and now you're a Jashinist_. Do you know how that feels? Admitting _Hidan_ was right? Damn."

Slowly, Urkakuk got to his feet and gawped at me uselessly.

I gritted my teeth and let my body relaxed so that I was hanging from the shackles again. "Now I'm pissed."

I jerked my right hand upwards and, with a snap, the bone broke. This is absolutely disgusting I tell you now, but necessary, because, with a broke bone, my hand was now flexible enough to slid through the shackle and, since I am now an immortal, my wrist healed instantly – hell yeah! And I did the same with my left wrist and, completely free of my chains, I landed on the ground and turned to face the four dumbstruck Wargonians in the room.

With my fingers, I formed the shape of a gun and pointed it at each one of the Wargonians in turn.

"Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Face immortality, shitheads."


	83. Drunken Worries

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

Kate has captured the serial killer, which turned out to be a Wargonian child who was controlling Tonton.

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><p><strong>Chapter Eighty-Three: Drunken Worries<strong>

**_Rule Number Eighty-Three: Never get drunk around Kisame_**

**Kate**

"Okay, Kisame," I said, shifting in my seat so that the two of us were sitting face to face while the crackling orange fire cast light on out faces. "I need you to understand this. It is very important that you understand this. The only reason I feel attached to Sai is because he thinks I'm cute – not because I'm romantically attached to him. You see, I love you and only you. You're my boyfriend. Not Sai, not Kankuro, not anyone else – so _will you please stop trying to decapitate everyone who flirts with me_!"

Kisame blinked.

"Wow Kate," he said, slightly impressed. "That's the maddest I've ever seen you in a long while."

"Because you're so frustrating," I said grouchily.

"And because you're so cute," said Kisame. And, before I knew what was happening, he leaned over and gave me a quick, fleeting kiss on the lips.

My face turned a brilliant shade of red and I quickly turned away. "What was that?"

"Did you like it?" asked Kisame. "Do I get a continuation later?"

My face turned an even deeper shade of red and I shook it violently. "What are you talking about! We're in the middle of a war!"

"All the more reason to do it," said Kisame. "You or I could die at any minute. Besides, dear Kate, you wouldn't want to die a virgin now, would you?"

Immediately, my face turned an even deeper shade of red. "What if I'm not a virgin?"

Kisame stared at me for a moment and the doubled over with howls of laughter. "_You_? Dessie I'd believe without a second thought. Hell! I might even believe Hannah! But you? No way in Earth, Wargonia, or the Fence would I believe that."

I scowled. "I had guys who liked me back on Earth."

"Do I have to kill them?" asked Kisame, reaching for his sword.

"Kisame!" I wailed, grabbing his wrist. "We talked about this!"

Kisame grinned. Not his usual cheerful grin, but his sly perverted frin that only Kisame could have. Immediately, my face turned bright red and I tried to turn away, but he leaned towards me–

"I'm beginning to see why Kakuzu has issues with you two being couplish."

Kisame pulled away and the two of us (me with a bright red face) turned to see Leader and Konan standing above us on the other side of the fire. Both of them looked tired and haggard. Apparently the war had taken quite a toll on them. They sat down next to Kisame and me, and immediately preoccupied themselves with eating.

"Do us a favor," added Konan. "And don't do any romantic activities while we're around – _especially_ if we're eating."

I pushed Kisame away lightly and edged away, my arms folded crossly. "I told him not to."

"I hear you caught the serial killer," said Konan.

I nodded. "It was Tonton."

"The pig?"

"Well… more accurately, it was the pig being controlled by a cute little Wargonian boy," I explained. "You should have seen him, Konan! He was _adorable_! I just wanted to take him home with me."

Kisame rolled his eyes. "The concept of 'enemy' is wasted on her."

"I love you…" I said, giggling.

He rolled his eyes.

"The coupeness is blinding," said Leader. "Remember, Konan and I are eating. I have no issues ripping your lips off your faces so that you can never be _couplish_ again."

"Um…"

"Thank you, Leader," said Konan.

"So how is the status on the war?" I asked, trying to change the subject. "I've been cooped up with the medics and all they talk about is death, wounds, and life."

Leader nodded. "That sounds like medics. From what I can tell Konoha will not last much longer. Maybe another week if we're lucky. There wasn't much hope on winning this war in the first place – the Wargonians army is too strong and too powerful. What we were really relying on was Dessie and Deidara making it."

"And if they don't?" I asked.

"We're screwed," said Kisame. "Which is why I think we should get _busy_ tonight."

"That's it." Leader put his food in Konan's lap and got to his feet, approaching Kisame with a rather frightening expression on his face. Kisame let out a shriek that was half-way between a scream and a laugh. He fell of his seat and scrambled to grab hold on his sword while Leader bore down upon him with the intention of "ripping off Kisame's mouth and other important pieces for mating".

"Dessie and Deidara will be fine."

Leader stopped trying to rip off Kisame's face and looked over his shoulder to see Hidan sitting on the other side of the fire eating quite peacefully.

Konan and I exchanged confused glances while Leader returned to his seat and Kisame sat upright, clearly as puzzled as the rest of us. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "What do you know that we don't?"

"Dessie will fulfill her mission," said Hidan. "Beyond a doubt."

"Why…?"

"Because," Hidan said. "As we were leaving Suna I told her–"

"I knew it!" cried Kisame, leaping to his feet and pointing wildly at Hidan. "You told her you loved her and she's determined to return alive so that you two can spend the rest of your lives together!" Kisame wiped a fake tear from his eye. "It's beautiful."

"No, you moron," snapped Hidan. "I told her the Jashinist secret to immortality."

Leader spat out his food and gawped at Hidan.

"Whoa," said Kisame, slowly sitting back down again. "The love confession was far more likely. I did not see that one coming…"

"Me neither…" I said.

"But wait," said Leader. "Weren't you going to go to Wargonia with Dessie? Why did you tell her that when leaving Suna?"

"Because," said Hidan proudly. "I thought we might end up separated – and we did."

"Wow," said Konan. "To think, Hidan actually had the brains and the foresight to plan in advance for the worst-case scenario… The world is definitely coming to an end. I didn't think Hidan's intelligence didn't let him get anywhere past basic slaughtering skills."

"Oh ha-ha," muttered Hidan. "I'm dying of laughter." He threw the remainder of his food, which was practically all of it, back into the fire and got to his feet. "Well, I'm ready to go kill more Wargonians – see you, shitheads." And with that loving farewell, Hidan left.

"Damn," said Kisame, watching Hidan until he disappeared into the night. Then, Kisame picked up a stick off the ground and prodded the embers of the fire gingerly. "Next time Hidan and Dessie get drunk, I am marrying them if it is the last thing I do."

Leader sighed. "Great, _another_ couple in the Akatsuki."

Konan nodded. "Because Kate and Kisame aren't enough…"

"You forget," said Leader. "We also have Hannah and Zetsu – the _married couple_."

"You're right," said Konan thoughtfully. "Aren't the Akatsuki just an organization of criminally insane romantics?"

"So funny…" muttered Leader, getting to his feet. "We should return to the battlefield too. Kisame, see you soon. Kate – try not to kill anyone." Both he and Konan threw their food in the fire and left, following Hidan back to the front lines.

Kisame and I remained sitting by the fire, huddled together for sometime, and enjoying the warmth and the company.

"You know," said Kisame. "I should get Leader and Konan drunk one time and have them get married."

I sighed and leaned my head against his shoulder. "But isn't the orange-haired Leader a dead body that the real Leader uses as a puppet? Isn't the real Leader somewhere else controlling his puppet?"

"So?"

"So if you get the puppet and Konan married while there drunk, isn't the necrophilia?"

Kisame shrugged. "Your point?"

"That's disgusting!"

Rule Number Eighty-Three: Never get drunk around Kisame.

The next day, Kisame had returned to the war and I was left to work with the medical ninjas again. After a disastrous morning – several people in Shizune's and my care died, none of them were my fault, I promise – I had finally reached my break time. I decided to wander about the camp for a little while. Then, it suddenly occurred to me that I could go visit Adler, the little Wargonian boy.

So, I headed off to Tsunade's tent to ask where I could find him. Unfortunately, Tsunade was not in her tent and it took me a good half hour to locate her amongst the tents. She was between jobs when I found her and, as quickly as I could, I approached her and asked.

"Why do you want to see him?" asked incredulously.

"I feel bad for him…" I said. "He's just a child influenced by his elders…"

"A Wargonian child," she said. "Who was raised on Wargonian principals. He still regards Warg as the superior being and plots the death of us all."

"I won't unleash him on the troops," I promised. "I just want to see him and talk to him and make sure he's being treated right. There can't be any harm in that, can there?"

With a sigh, Tsunade told me where to find Adler and I raced over there. He had been sealed away in the underground tunnels where the rest of the prisoners were. The underground tunnels had been used by Konoha in previous wars and now, against the Wargonians, they were used to seal and torture prisoners.

The mention of torture sent shivers down my spine and I raced to the entrance, worried that Adler might be one of these _torture_ victims. Luckily, I had no need to worry. He was fine. He was sealed behind bars of shinobi making, his eyes wide in trembling fear. However, as I approached, the fear subsided a little. I squatted in front of his cell and smiled. He even managed a weak smile back.

"Hello," I said. "Do you remember me?"

"You're the one who found me…" said Adler. "And hugged me…"

"My name is Kate," I said.

"I'm Adler."

"I know," I said. "You told me in the forest. How old are you, Adler?"

He hesitated a second before saying, "I'm nine."

His voice was so adorable. With a little, high, and squeaking, like a little boy's voice ought to be, he had the most adorable large, round eyes and a charming smile that made me want to throw my arms around him and hug him to death – that adorableness was just to powerful to resist!

"How old are you?" asked Adler softly.

"Me? I'm practically an old granny," I said. "I'm _twenty_-years-old."

Adler giggled excitedly. "That's not that old." He hesitated, and then asked, "Who was that guy… The one who was with you in the forest. The one with blue skin."

"Kisame?" I asked. "He's my boyfriend. Why? Does he look weird to you?"

Adler shook his head. "No weirder than you look."

I laughed and smiled at him, well aware that the bars of his cell were separating us and, in his vision, divided my smile up into pieces.

"Do you not mind?" asked Adler. "That's he's so different looking from you? The people here talk about the blue man with fear… Like they talk about us. But you're fine with him – are you fine with us too?"

Silence fell between us as I considered.

"He calls me cute," I said. "Does it matter what I look like?"

Adler still seemed a little confused by this answer, but he simply asked, "And what about us?"

"I suppose," I said. "If you Wargonians weren't trying to kill me, I wouldn't mind you."

"Warg demands that enemies be killed," said Adler. "Warg is the god of war. His rule is all. We must obey him. I must obey him. Even if it means your death."

I sighed and slowly got to my feet. "I need to go, Adler. I have work to do, but it was nice to meet you. I might visit you again sometime if I get a chance."

"Please do," he said.

I turned and made my way out of the underground tunnels. Carefully, I made my way through the forest that stretched between the tunnels' entrance and the edge of camp. I could barely pay attention to my surroundings. My mind was fixated on my conversation with Adler – which, of course, was a very bad thing, particular since I ended up walking right into the chest of a gigantic Wargonian man.

"Excuse me," I said. "I'm walking here."

And then it registered.

Gray skin, white hair, and pitch black eyes. Yep, this was definitely a Wargonian man. Actually there was six of him. Six Wargonian men wandering in the forest near Konoha's camp…

…

Needless to say, I screamed.

And ran.

Yeah, the running was the important part. I ran and ran and ran through the forest as fast as my legs could carry me and the Wargonians, of course, chased after me. Unfortunately, they were faster than me and they caught me by the arms, pulling me backwards, their spears and knife exposed, ready to rip me to pieces.

"Help!" I screamed, my voice cutting through the trees. "Help me! Kisame! Kisame! KISAME!

Some branches rustled.

The Wargonians paused before they could rip my face open and turned to see who had arrived on scene.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see short black hair, black eyes and a Konoha uniform… It was Shizune… Shizune… My heart raced as panic filled me – what if the Wargonians kill us both! But if she left, I would be killed for sure… The Wargonians must have snuck past our lines and were coming to kill all the medical ninja. Shizune was a good ninja, but she wasn't enough to stop six Wargonians… and me… Well, I was useless.

"Kate!" cried Shizune. "Um… Kisame told me to tell you! The Wargonians said that Mr. Nibbles is worthless chicken who died in vain!"

…

On second thought, I don't think I'm going to die today after all.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: There you go. Kate's finally gotten her long awaited "Mr. Nibbles" moment. I almost feel bad for those Wargonian. Almost. At some points in this chapter the story got rather serious (with Adler and all). To be honest, I did that because I wanted Kate to answer, quite seriously, why she liked Kisame. Personally, I think Kisame is great and - who cares about looks - his personality is awesome. Unfortunately, I admit myself vain enough to care about looks, but Kate is amazing and she really doesn't care, just as long as he calls her cute. haha Kate and Kisame are getting really couplish lately... hmm... I'll do something about that in th sequel.**

**OKay, to add to this already long author's comment, I would like to say that I am usually against having OCs tun Jashinist. Jashinism is Hidan's thing. And its so corny to have the logic of "oh hey, I'm jashinist and you're jashinist - we should totally end up together" No. Just no. Unfortunately, Dessie was chained up and being tortured and, from my perspective, the only way out of that was to have Dessie become immortal. And that is the ONLY reason why I turned her into a Jashinist.**

**Anyways, I have a new fanart link up on my profile - THANK YOU 4000kills! So all of you go check out the drawing and post a comment if you can! Yay! love you all! **

**Okay, review. Or Shizune will tell Kate that YOU said Mr. Nibbles is a worthless chicken. REVIEW! QUICKLY! KATE IS COMING! DUN DUN DUNNNN**


	84. Revenge of the Night

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

In Suna, Kakuzu and Hannah try and get revenge on Itachi for stealing their titles as Master of the Night.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eighty-Four: Revenge of the Night<strong>

**_Rule Number Eighty-Four: Zetsu tends to be a bit over protective of his wifey. _**

**Hannah**

"Alright," I said. "Are you ready to execute the plan?"

Kakuzu nodded grimly. "The plan is ready. I prepared the explosives above the entrance of the Wargonians."

"It will create a hole in the wall…" I muttered.

"Gaara can repair it," said Kakuzu. "What's more important is that we destroy the Wargonians – and regain our title as Masters of the Night from Itachi." Kakuzu scowled (as much as he can scowl behind his mask). "I hate those Uchiha."

I nodded. "One's a mute and the other is an obsessive, moody child."

"Don't forget, Madara," added Kakuzu.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't even get me started on him. He gas a split personality where he's a psychopathic, innocent, child-like criminal who had a collected of _nunus_. I mean really? Do you see how messed up these Uchihas are!"

"Unfortunately," said Kakuzu. "Itachi is the sanest of the Uchihas."

"Don't say it," I commanded. "I refuse to let you say it. He is an insane Uchiha – and he is _going down_."

"Agreed."

We were crouching to the side of the pathway on the second level. Suna shinobi sprinted around us, trying to defend the wall against the Wargonians as they prepared to breech the second-level yet again. A few of the passers-by shot Kakuzu and me odd looks, but no one stopped to ask what we were doing. By now, most of them were used to the bizarre meeting sessions of the Akatsuki.

"You know," I said. "I haven't seen Tobi or Zetsu in forever."

Kakuzu shrugged. "They're working on the other side of the wall. Thank god… If I have to hear Tobi shout 'Hannah-Nunu' one more time, I am going to throttle someone."

"Now you know how I feel," I said. "Every, single day…"

"I pity you…"

"I pity myself."

Right about then a cry rose up amongst the troops. The Wargonians have broken through again.

"Alright," said Kakuzu, getting to his feet. "You know what to do."

"Yep. I'll spread the word to retreat and you tell Gaara to send out the signal." I started walking towards the break though. "Set off the explosive tag… And try not to get in your way."

"Be a good bait!" called out Kakuzu.

"Yeah, yeah."

And with that, we parted ways.

I made my way through the rushing shinobi. They all wielded their weapons and bustled forward, trying to get a stab at the Wargonians who were invading. At first, the crowd was sparse enough that I could fit through them. Then, the crowd go so tight that I couldn't move an inch in either direction.

With a sigh, I gripped the handle of my frying pan. Dessie was betting in situations like this. But, oh well. I tipped my head back and, over the sound of the fighting and the shouts of the shinobi and the cries of the Wargonians, I screamed, "RETREAT! GAARA HAS GIVEN THE ORDER TO RETREAT! RETREAT!"

It took a minute for the shinobi to respond. Still trying to battle the Wargonians, a great hush fell over the shinobi. The words register in their minds and – a minute later – they turned on their heels and sprinted back up the wall. I was almost trampled over from the stampede of shinobi, but, somehow, I crawled through the hoards of shinobi and managed to flatten myself against the side of the pathway and watch as the shinobi went racing by.

And then, one 'helpful' guy decided to stop and come to my aid.

"Quick!" he cried. "We need to get out of here!"

Mutely, I shook my head.

"The Wargonians are coming!" he cried. "The Wargonians are coming! If you stay, you'll be killed!"

Again, I shook my head in blatant refusal.

"Ittetsu! We need to go!"

The shinobi gritted his teeth and, with a quick, regretful look in my direction, he hurried away into the crowd of shinobi, leaving me behind.

Within minutes, almost the entire crowd of shinobi was gone and what faced me, on the other side of the pathway, was hoards and hoards of gray-skinned Wargonians. I pushed off the wall and staggered to my feet. Slowly, I made my way to the middle of the pathway and turned to regard the masses of the Wargonians.

"Dear god, Kakuzu," I muttered. "You'd better not be a second late."

The Wargonians were staring at me, trying to figure out why I stood alone to face them.

"Hannah!"

My heart skipped a beat and, slowly, I turned to stare at the figure standing behind me. A black-and-white face, a gigantic Venus flytrap… I swallowed once and managed to choke the words out, "Zetsu… What are you _doing_ here?"

"Hannah!" cried Zetsu. "You need to get out of here! The Wargonians! We've come to save you!"

"No," I cried, shaking my head wildly. "I'm meant to be here!'

"It's dangerous," said Zetsu and, before I knew what was going on, he grabbed a hold of me and began sinking back into the ground to transport someone where. Right before my head could sink below the surface, I let out one final scream of, "But Kakuzu and I have a plan!"

And then there was darkness.

Rule Number Eighty-Four: Zetsu tends to be a bit too protective of his wifey – even if it ends up destroying her plans to mass destroy Wargonians. (I will _kill_ Zetsu for this…)

When Zetsu and I resurfaced, we were on the third level (the last place I wanted to be) and Kakuzu was standing several feet away from us, looking ready to murder someone – or something.

"Hannah!" he cried. "What are you doing up here! Shouldn't you be down there! The explosive tag!"

"I would be down there!' I screamed. "If this idiot hadn't taken it upon himself to save me!" I pointed wildly at Zetsu and then turned back to Kakuzu. "Now what do we do!"

The Wargonians had begun to run along the wall, ready to conquer the second level all over again.

"Shit!" said Kakuzu. "I have the explosive tag on the other side, but not this one!" He rounded on Zetsu, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Shit! Zetsu! You just screwed us all over! Not just the plan, but the entire army! We're going to lose the second level!"

With a moan of despair and confusing, Zetsu sunk back into the ground and went into hiding, leaving Kakuzu and I standing alone on the pathway, looking over the Wargonian hoards.

"Kakuzu!" I cried. "You just lost us our help! He might have been able to put the explosive tag back!"

Kakuzu groaned and smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand. "Now what do we do?"

I gritted my teeth. "Go put down the explosive tag. There's bound to be one shinobi around here who can light explosive tags…"

"Fine," said Kakuzu. He gestured towards a cluster of three explosive tags that rested on the ground to his right. "The middle one if the trigger. If you set off that one, it will lead to a chain reaction."

"Alright," I said, handing him the explosive tag.

And then Kakuzu was gone. He leapt off the side of the pathway and plummeted down towards the level below. However, his black tentacles reached out and buried themselves into the section of the wall beside him, stopping Kakuzu before he could fall onto the heads of the Wargonians. His tentacles moved him along the wall at record speed, until, finally, he reached ahead of the Wargonian hoards. There, his tentacles deposited him and he began sprinted along the ground until he was far enough ahead to slam the explosive tag onto the ground and wave at me to signal that the task was done.

"What's going on here?" asked Gaara angrily. "Why did everyone abandon their posts?"

"I don't know," said Baki. "Apparently they heard someone yelling that you gave the order to retreat."

"Hn."

I turned around to see Baki, Gaara, and Itachi hurrying along the wall towards the Wargonians forces. They're expressions were serious and they were too absorbed in their own matters to notice me, standing on the edge of the pathway.

"Wait!" I called out.

They stopped and turned to regard me.

"Hannah?" asked Gaara. "What is it?"

"The explosive tags!" I cried. "Set off the middle one! Please! Set it off!"

Gaara and Baki exchanged puzzled glances before turning back to me and asking, "Why?"

"Now!" I cried. "Quickly! Please!"

And then a sudden flame sparked up in the first explosive tag and, like a chain reaction, the other too caught fire. Suddenly, the flames spread along the edges of the cliff, all the way to the explosive tag where Kakuzu stood and the explosive tag on the other side of the Wargonian army. For a split second, the entire side of the wall was ablaze. And then –

BOOM!

The force and the light was so deafening and so blinding that I was thrown backwards. My head slammed against the ground. The world went dark for a second, and then came back into focus. The wall was burning. Screams rose up from below me and I felt the ground trembling beneath me as the bits and pieces of the wall began to give way and come crashing down on the Wargonians below.

"Hannah!"

I sat up, blinking rapidly and trying to regain my vision.

"Hannah!"

Over to my right, Baki was calling my name. His expression was panicked. Slowly, I turned to see what had him so worried. The third level, where I sat, was starting to crumble too under the power of the explosion. The ground ahead of me and in front of me was starting to fall away, crashing down and down onto the head of the Wargonians.

"Help!" I screamed.

"Hannah!"

A white hand stuck out from above me and I looked up to see Zetsu, sticking sideways out of the wall which I was leaning against.

"Zetsu!" I cried. "Help me!"

"Hannah! Take my hand!"

I did. I grabbed hold of his hand and, as the ground crumbled beneath my feet, Zetsu and I sunk into the wall and, once again, the world was enveloped in darkness…

"Well," said Gaara. "While you did destroy the Wargonian threat from the second level… You destroyed a chunk of the wall in the process."

"You can fix it, can't you?" said Kakuzu.

"Yes, but do you know how much chakra that would take?"

We were standing on the top of the wall, looking down at the massive section of the wall, which Kakuzu and I had just destroyed. Zetsu, Itachi, and I stood a little to the side, watching as Kakuzu and Gaara argued over the wall.

"You should be glad that you have the ability to repair your wall with chakra," said Kakuzu. "Think of all the money it saves you."

I was leaning against Zetsu for support since my legs were too weak to hold me up on their own (Zetsu seemed quite happy thought to have me leaning against him and I doubted he was going to tell me to get off of him any time soon). Itachi looked faintly amused by the whole ordeal and didn't bother to say anything.

With a sigh, Gaara gave up on trying to convince Kakuzu – and the rest of the Akatsuki – that mass destruction was not the way to go. I didn't blame Gaara. It is nearly impossible to convince the Akatsuki of anything. Best to quit while you're ahead. Gaara walked away to deal with the wall he now had to repair and, seconds after Gaara had left, a familiar orange-masked figure came sprinting towards us.

"Hannah-Nunu! Hannah-Nunu!" wailed Tobi. "Is Hannah-Nunu okay? Tobi heard bad things happened and Hannah-Nunu almost died!"

"I'm fine Tobi."

Tobi came sprinting over, preparing to throw his arms around my neck, but, kindly enough, Itachi stopped Tobi.

"I don't think Hannah's in good enough condition to survive one of your hugs," added Kakuzu helpfully. "You might kill her."

Tobi looked traumatized by the thought. "Okay then, Hannah-Nunu, Tobi won't hug you."

"Tobi is a good boy," I said.

"Itachi-senpai," said Tobi thoughtfully. "Tobi heard you name while he was running along the wall."

"Hn."

"How did you hear Itachi's name?" I asked.

"The soldiers are calling Itachi the Master of the Night again," explained Tobi. "See, Hannah-Nunu and Kakuzu-senpai, Tobi said that Itachi is the coolest. Hannah-Nunu and Kakuzu cannot compete with Itachi on levels of coolness."

I twitched. "Tobi…"

"Don't strain yourself, Hannah," said Kakuzu. "I'll gladly kill Tobi for you."

"Oh good."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: mwhahahaha one can never ruin Itachi's coolness. He's just annoying like that. I was a bit mean to Zetsu in this chapter, but it paid off in the end (Hannah leaned against him when she couldn't walk). Yay! Music is blasting in my ears, the laptop is in front of me, and my parents are preoccupied - I AM FREE! Until dinner comes and my parents actually want to TALK with me - Jashin forbid! hahaha**

**maxridefan1234 made another fan art drawing - this one of Kate and Mr. Nibbles! Link in on my profile page. GO! GO! GO!**

**REIVEW! Or Itachi will drop you into a hoard of angry Wargonians and Zetsu won't bother to save YOU (you're not Hannah). **


	85. A Brand New Dessie

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

After Deidara and Dessie have been captured and tortured, Dessie has become immortal - WARGONIANS FEEL HER WRATH!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eighty-Five: A Brand New Dessie<strong>

**_Rule Number Eighty-Five: Everyone forgets from time to time._**

**Dessie**

"Wow," I said, trying to wipe some of the blood off of my arm. "I never understood what the big deal about Jashinist sacrifices was… but _damn_ Hidan – this feels _good_."

I kicked the dead body of Urm (the details of his murder I shall spare you, but let me tell you that I relished his death far more than his other). "Well, shithead, I guess I believe you when you say you're no a homosexual. But thanks for all the images that have scared me for the rest of my miserable life – which conveniently enough is forever." I laughed. "I'm never going to get used to his whole immortal and can't die thing."

Silence filled the room and, with a sigh, I slung the poker over my shoulders and made my way towards the door. Surprisingly, the hallway outside was empty and I made my way through them, searching for any signs of life.

Immortality has this strange effect on you. Suddenly, you're invulnerable. No one can hurt you. What does it matter if you get stabbed and sliced into little pieces? You're a fucking immortal!

At this, I actually laughed aloud and swung the poker in a circle, whistling as I walked down the corridor. Yep. I can see why Hidan is such a psychopath.

"You!"

I turned around and saw, standing a little ways down the hallway, was a Wargonian priest. His eyes were wide and he was staring at me in horror, unable to comprehend why I was standing in the hallway and not chained up with Urkakuk and Urm.

"Hey," I said, tilting my head to the side and smiling.

The Wargonian scowled. "What are you doing here?"

"Me?" I asked. "I'm just out for a stroll. What are _you_ doing here may I ask?"

For a moment, the Wargonian looked confused. Then, he drew his sword from his sheath and pointed it at me. "I'm here to destroy you."

I swung the poker around and pointed it at the Wargonian. "Bring it."

As ashamed and reluctant as I am to admit it, the Wargonian got the first blow. He struck me on the shoulder with his blade and sliced the skin open. I clutched my shoulder and wobbled backwards, dodging his neck blow. As long as I didn't have any severed limbs, I was fine.

The cut soon healed and, through the pain, I raised my poker and swung it towards the Wargonian. He parried it and I brought my foot around to kick him in the shin. He staggered backwards and I smashed the poker into his hand, causing him to drop his sword. I picked up the sword from the ground and pointed it at the Wargonian.

"I win."

A smirked spread across his face. "So you say."

"So I know."

And, before I knew what was happening, the Wargonian pulled a knife out of his side-sheath and plunged the knife into my heart.

Triumphant, he stepped back and watched as I crumpled to the ground. He kicked my fallen body and said, "Never assume your opponent is unarmed, idiot."

And, since I can never play possum for long, I grabbed the sword and sliced off his hand. His severed hand and the dagger it held fell to the ground in a clatter and I pressed my sword to his throat, keeping him pressed against the wall.

I grinned. "Never assume your opponent is mortal, _idiot_."

"You… you…"

"Shut up," I snapped and pressed the sword harder against his throat. "Where's Deidara?"

"Wh-h-h-ho?"

I sighed. "The blond guy who was captured with me."

"Who?"

"The blond fur ball…?"

The Wargonian gasped and didn't answer, his expression still quizzical.

"Fine," I snapped. "Where's the blond chick who was taken captive with me?"

Realization dawned on the Wargonians face. He choked and I lessened the pressure on his throat – just enough so he could breathe – and waited for him to reply. When he managed to regain his voice, the Wargonian said, "Why should I tell you?"

"Because I have no issues severing your child bearing properties."

The Wargonian considered. "Take a left down this hall. Turn right at the first turn. Third door on the right."

I smiled. "See, that wasn't hard." And then I cut off his head – hey, I never pretended to be the perfect little angel. "Sorry Jashin," I added as I started off down the hallways. "I don't have time to make sacrifices. Besides, you don't want these shitheads. They aren't _worthy_."

I found the door the Wargonian had described easily enough. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to considered the possibility of the door being locked. I tried everything – kicking it, hacking at the lock, checking the dead Wargonians, and slamming my head against the wall (all that resulted in was the loss of valuable brain cells). I was about to try punching the door when I heard footsteps.

Two people appeared at the end of the hall, talking in undertones. They froze at the sight of me, they black eyes widening in horror.

I leaned against the wall casually and tried to act as if I belong. "Hey."

They drew their swords.

"Well that's a way to welcome a girl," I muttered and raised my own.

I don't really feel like describing the action scene to you. I got stabbed several times and bleed all over the floor. One guy slipped on the blood and knocked himself out and the other guy almost severed my head, but I dodged and slammed his head against the wall.

As it turned out, one of the Wargonians was carrying a set of keys (trust my luck) and I unlocked Deidara's cell.

He was inside (so the Wargonian had been telling the truth – I guess he prized his

balls more than I thought). Like me, Deidara was lying from the ceiling with a heavily beaten body. His shirt was torn off (the Wargonians probably had bets on whether he was a chick of not).

When I came in he raised his head and gawked. "What are you doing here, uhn?"

"I escaped," I said. "Urm is dead. Urkakuk is dead. We have a job to do."

Deidara grinned. "How's you escape, uhn?"

"A little bit of Dessie charm."

"You called them all faggots and when they near you kicked them all between the legs, didn't you?"

I laughed. "How do I break these chains…?"

"My clay is on the far table," said Deidara, jerking his head to the right. "They were trying to get me to explain how to use it. The morons, uhn."

I walked over to the table and pulled some chunks of clay out of it. Then, I fed the clay to Deidara's hands. After chewing the clay thoroughly, Deidara placed it on the chains and, raised two fingers into the air. "Katsu."

The clay exploded and Deidara dropped to the ground.

"Damn," I said. "Badass."

"I know, uhn."

Deidara strapped the bad of clay to his waist and we hurried out of the cell. Carefully to avoid slipping my blood on the floor, we sprinted down the hallway in search of the power source. We must have run though the hallway for an hour or two, completely clueless as what to do. Finally, Deidara gave up and decided the most rational solution was to blow holes in the ceiling until we eventually reached the top. As ridiculous as that suggestion was (and violent) it actually worked. We found ourselves crawling up through one of the various holes and winding up face to face with the golden alter of Warg.

"Dang," said Deidara, kicking the golden box. "Kakuzu would have a fit if he saw this."

"Can you imagine how much that would sell for…" I said thoughtfully.

The box was made out of solid gold with intricate designs on the sides, depicting the chapters of the Book of Warg. Images such as Warg destroying entire civilizations, Warg conquering Jashin, Warg mating with many females, and Warg bestowing power to the Wargonians decorated the sides of the box. At the top, was engraved the symbol of Warg – a circle inside of a triangle – and from each tip of the triangle, a spike extended upwards, each one tilting in to form a pyramid. And, where the top of the three spikes met, a brilliant, billowing, black light jutted upwards though a hole in the ceiling into the sky of Wargonia.

"Well," I said. "I hate to say it, but your destructive 'art' travel actually worked."

Deidara smirked. "Never underestimate art."

"So," I said. "You want to blow the place up?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

"STOP RIGHT THERE!"

Slowly, Deidara and I turned to stare. From the doorway (who uses doorways anymore, blasting holes through the floor is so much more efficient), several armed and dangerous Wargonians came sprinting in.

"Deidara…" I said slowly.

"Yeah…"

"Now would be a good time to go boom."

"Bang," corrected Deidara. "Now would be a good time to go _bang_."

"Deidara we can argue art later for n–"

I never got to finish that sentence, for at that moment one of the Wargonians threw his spear as hard as he could and the spear buried itself in my stomach.

I gasped. The pain. Oh my Warg – I mean Jashin – the pain… My legs buckled beneath me and I gasped for breath and flopped down on the ground, feeling my own sticky blood spilling out onto the floor beneath me. The pain… The agony… Owwwwwwww.

"Dessie! Dessie! Uhn! Dessie!"

Deidara crouched over me, shouting my name over and over again. "Do't you dare die, Dessie! Hidan is going to sacrifice me to his stupid god, uhn. Dessie!"

"Oh shut up," I groaned, rolling over. "I'm not dead yet."

Deidara blinked. "Seriously."

"Yeah, well, immortals don't tend to die." I sat up and checked my wound. It was already healed. "See."

Stare.

"Dessie…"

"Yes?"

"You're immortal?"

"Yes."

Deidara grabbed a piece of clay out of his bang and tried to stuff it into my mouth, screaming all the while, "And it never occurred to you to _tell me that you were a fucking immortal earlier_!"

I tried to push his hands away. "Sorry! I forgot! I forgot!"

"Here I am freaking out because you're dying and Hidan's going to kill me! And you're an immortal! I am going to kill you! I'm going to blow you to a thousand pieces and serve you up in a cannibal soup to Zetsu! And he can eat you alive! Munching on your little tiny body pieces!"

"I'm sorry! I forgot! I was too preoccupied with saving your life!"

"Becoming immortal is bigger than saving my life!"

The Wargonians shifted awkwardly in the corner and one of them muttered, "Should we do something abut them?"

"Wait," said another Wargonian. "I want to see if they kill each other."

"Die!" screamed Deidara, shaving my face against the ground, his clay digging into my cheek.

"Never! I'm an immortal!"

"How did you even become an immortal! You converted to Jashinism! You would never convert! I know you and conversion is out of the question! Lies! Lies!"

"Hidan told me how to become immortal! Hidan told me!" I punched Deidara in the face.

"And you converted! Is this so you two can agree on which church to marry on!"

I kicked Deidara off of me and leapt to my feet. "I'm going to murder you!"

"Not if I murder you first!"

And then we both turned around and unleashed our entire strength on the Wargonian spectators.

Heads went flying, flames blasted in all direction, and blood splattered the room. I'll spare you the gory details, but at the end Deidara and I stood over a pile of dead bodies, quite proud of our handiwork.

"Sorry," I said to the dead Wargonians. "Our battles get a little messy."

"What should we name that move?" asked Deidara.

"How about the Fight-Slash-and-Boom?"

Deidara shrugged. "Works for me." His hand regurgitated some clay and Deidara shaped it into a bird. With a puff of smoke, the bird grew to life size and the two of us leapt on the back. With a flap of its wings, the bird lifted itself into the air and Deidara blasted a hole in the ceiling and we soared up towards the sky.

"So," said Deidara. "Where's a rendezvous point?"

"The mountains where we captured Urm," I said.

Deidara turned the bird and we began heading towards the mountains, the wind rushing through our hair.

It took a good ten minutes before I realized.

"Um… Deidara?'

"Uhn?"

"Aren't we forgetting something?"

Deidara glanced over his shoulder to stare at me confusedly. "What are we forgetting?"

"To blow up the stupid power source."

"Oh shit…"

Rule Number Eighty-Five: Everyone forgets from time to time…

Deidara turned the bird around and we headed back to the Wargonian temple. Deidara began shaping a little bird in the palm of his hand and sent it soaring down towards the top of the temple. With satisfaction, we watched as the temple exploded into tiny pieces and the black light of the Wargonian power source faded into nothingness.

"Now that," said Deidara. "Is art."

"Yeah, yeah," I said. "Now let's blow this popsicle stand."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: And so Dessie utters my favorite ending line. I used it when I left middle school forever. It is listed as my "parting words". **

**Okay, new fanart on profile page. Go. check it out. All of you. Because its so AWESOME! Or, as Ron would say, "Bloody brilliant!" GO! I demand it!. Gooo...**

**Final note: REVIEW! Or Dessie and Deidara will ride off into the sunset on Deidara's clay bird and forget all about you... WEEP IN PAIN AND SUFFERING! REIVEW! I demand it. Review... you know you want to... Leader says so.**


	86. After the Storm

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

Back in Konoha, in the forest Kate and Shizune have run across a group of Wargonians

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eight-Six: After the Storm<strong>

**_Rule Number Eighty-Six: There is no peace in the Akatsuki_**

**Kate**

How dare they! How dare they insult Mr. Nibbles! What do they know about the sacrifices and hardships that Mr. Nibbles put up with in life! They know nothing! Nothing about Mr. Nibbles! Nothing about his heroics! Nothing about his valor! Nothing about his devotion! Mr. Nibbles was a hero – a braver man than most men I know! So what if he was a chicken – at heart, he was a _man_. Those Wargonians! They insult him and laugh at him! But Mr. Nibbles will always be a billion times better than them!

"Kate! Kate! KATE!"

I paused. The endless rant in my mind came to a screeching halt and the world stabilized itself a little. For a moment, I staged around a little until I managed to regain my balance by grabbing on to a tree branch.

"What…?"

Shizune stood in front of me, her expression horrified. "Kate…"

I blinked. "What?" And then I caught sight of the Wargonian bodies lying all over the forest floor. I screamed and leapt away, trying to shake the blood and dirt of my shoe. "Oh ew! Ew!"

"Kate…"

"What happened!" I cried, racing over to Shizune. "What happened here! One moment I was walking through the forest and the next I ran into some Wargonians… And then you told me that the Wargonians insulted Mr. Nibbles…" A shudder ran down my spine.

"Kate…"

"How could they do that!" I wailed. "How could they insult Mr. Nibbles like that! Mr. Nibbles was a good chicken! And they insulted him! But now the Wargonians are dead. Did Mr. Nibbles have his revenge? What happened! Why can't I remember!"

"Kate…"

"What?"

"You killed all the Wargonians…"

…

I stared at Shizune, unable to believe my ears. Then, slowly, I said, "You're kidding." I let out a weak laughed. "Shizune, that's not a funny joke…"

"Er, I'm not joking…"

"SHIZUNE! SHIZUNE! SHIZUNE! SHIZUNE!"

There came the sound of heavy footfalls and the rustling of leaves and branches. Someone came sprinting through the forest wildly, screaming at the top of his lungs. Shizune and I turned to stare as a Konoha shinobi forced his way through the trees and stumbled into the clearing, gasping for breath.

He caught sight of the dead Wargonians and straightened up, staring at Shizune in horror. "What happened here?"

"Never mind this!" cried Shizune. "What are you yelling about?"

"The Wargonians! They've weakened! They've weakened! They're eyes have turned back to red and they're easy to kill. The Wargonians have surrendered – they're god no longer supports them!"

"Dessie…" I whispered. "And Deidara…"

"The Wargonia Goup must have succeeded then," said Shizune. "They actually did it… They blew up the power source…" She let out a wispy, wild laugh and rna her fingers through her hair. "We won… We won…"

"Dessie and Deidara actually succeeded in something…" I said. "And Kisame… Leader… Konan… Hidan… They're all alive?"

Shizune smiled and jerked her head in the direction of the camp. "Should we go see?"

I nodded and the two of us sprinted off in the direction of the camp. The Konoha shinobi headed off towards the underground tunnel to spread the news. I barely noticed.

It seemed to take forever to get to camp. The trees brushed against my face and scratched at arms as a forced my way through them, Shizune leading the way. I honestly didn't care or noticed my surroundings. All I could think about was getting back and seeing the rest of the Akatsuki. Kisame, Dessie, Hannah, Tobi, Itachi, Deidara, Zetsu, Leader, Konan, Hidan, Kakuzu…

And then we were at camp. And I was running in search of them…

The first person I saw was Hidan. He was standing outside of Tsunade's tent, his arms crossed and his face dyed with blood. As always, Hidan refused to wear a shirt and his arms were folded as if he planned on cussing out the first person who spoke to him.

"Hidan!" I cried, racing over. "You're alive!"

"Oh yeah," he said, his voice dripping in sarcasm. "Because you really expected me to die."

I came to a halt in front of him and stared at him curiously. "Why are you in a bad mood? We won! The war is over!"

Hidan scowled. "Leader won't let me kill any more. Jashin was having his fill and then – no more fighting. What the hell!"

For a moment, I stared at Hidan blankly. Then, a huge grin crossed my face and I patted Hidan awkwardly on the arm, laughing gleefully. "I'm glad you're alive, Hidan. Where's Kisame?"

"Sure," said Hidan grouchily, pointing somewhere to his right. "Go check on Fish Fry."

"You know," I said. "Now that the war is over, you get to see Dessie again."

I raced over in the direction Hidan had pointed, not looking back to see if my words had cheered Hidan up at all. It turned out that Hidan had pointed in the direction of the prison cells – a jutsu induced cell where all the Wargonians were placed inside. Leader and Konan were standing around, deep in discussion with Tsunade as the last of the Wargonians were placed in captivity.

It was Konan who caught sight of me first. She smiled and waved me over. As I approached, Leader turned and caught sight of me. He nodded once and I flung my arms around his neck.

"What – are – you – doing?" asked Leader stiffly. "Get off."

"It's a _hug_," I explained, refusing to let go. "Accept it."

"I don't accept hugs," said Leader. "I demand that you release me at once of I will force you to let go – even if it involves the severing of you arms."

Needless to say, I let go of Leader and decided it was safer to turn my attention to Konan. She accepted my hug much more gladly and, when the greetings were over, she asked, "How have you been?"

"Fine," I said. "Oh… Shizune and I ran into some Wargonians… and they called Mr. Nibbles worthless…" A shadow crossed over my face as I recalled their harsh comments.

"Mr. Nibbles was a hero," said Konan quickly. "He was brave and moving and a true credit to his species. Those Wargonians deserve to be defeated if they underestimate a true noble-chicken like Mr. Nibbles. Um… He was amazing and great and awesome and… um… cool…"

I beamed at Konan. "Thanks! I know! Mr. Nibbles is simply amazing – at least someone understands!"

Konan let out a sigh of relief.

"Have you seen Kisame?" I asked.

"He's in the medical tent," said Konan. After seeing the look of panic cross my face, she added, "It's nothing big. Just a flesh wound."

I didn't even pause to think as I sprinted over towards the medical tent, ducking under the flaps and stepping inside amongst the coats and beds and shelves of medicine as medic ninjas rushed around and tried to cure the wounded shinobi. I looked around desperately, trying to catch sight of the "big blue guy" but he was nowhere to be found.

"Kate! Over here!"

I turned around to see Kisame sitting on a bed, his left arm being bandaged up by Ino. He was grinning at me – showing all of his sharp, white teeth – and waving in a desperate attempt to capture my attention.

"Stop moving," said Ino impatiently.

"Why do I have to sit in here?" asked Kisame. "It's stuff and disgusting and my cut isn't very deep."

Ino snorted.

I rushed over to stand by his bed. "What happened?" I asked, trying to examine Kisame's wound. "Is it very deep?"

Kisame shrugged nonchalantly. "It's a deep cut, but it doesn't hurt all that bad."

Ino rolled her eyes and roughly finished wrapping his wound. "You can go."

Cheerfully, Kisame hopped off the bed and, grabbing me by the hand, he led me to the exit. We stepped out into the fresh outside air and headed off in search of the rest of the Akatsuki.

"Did Shizune tell you what the Wargonians said about Mr. Nibbles?"

I nodded angrily. "Poor Mr. Nibbles! Why must everyone be so mean to him!"

"I don't know," said Kisame, a smile flickering at his lips. "But I'm sure he's glad that you try so hard to defend your name. Mr. Nibbles did good by saving your life – and you should be proud of him for that."

I grinned at Kisame, practically glowing with adoration. "Mr. Nibbles… May he rest in peace…"

"I hope you two are going to start making out in front of us again."

Surprised, I turned around to see Leader and Konan sitting side-by-side in some chairs besides a roaring fire. They had been leaning forward, talking to one another in undertones, but when they saw us, they had moved their heads away slightly. Leader was glaring at us irritably while Konan had a lightly amused smile on her face.

"What's it t you if we start making out?" asked Kisame. "You know you secretly get off on it."

I buried my face in my hands and scuttled over to the seat beside Konan while Leader busied himself with dumping violent and gruesome death threats on poor Kisame (though, admittedly, it was Kisame's fault for provoking Leader). After reassuring Leader time and time again that Kisame would never make sure "vulgar and inappropriate comments" again, Kisame took the seat next to mine.

"So," said Kisame awkwardly. "We're all alive, huh?"

"Yep."

"Thankfully," said Konan. "We don't know if anyone else is though."

Leader leaned back in his chair and sighed. "We're going to have t get rid of the Wargonian troops."

"How are we going to do that?" I asked.

"We'll have to escort the Wargonians back to the blue orb," said Leader. "Konoha will send a suitable amount of shinobi and we'll lead the way – since we're most familiar with the blue orb and the hideout. Then, when all the Wargonians are gone, we'll destroy the blue orb."

"Will we return to the hideout when this is all over?"

Konan shook her head. "Location is given away. We'll have to find a new one."

"How about one on the shores of a nice, sunny beach?" said Kisame cheerfully. "We can go surfing every day and go for long walks on the beach… Hmmm…"

"There is no way in hell that we are getting a shitty beach shack for a hideout." Hidan plopped himself into the seat beside Leader and crossed his arms irritably. "We should get one near an exchange point so Kakuzu and I don't have to keep going out of our way to drop of the stupid bounties."

"Are you still angry that Leader won't let you kill anymore?" asked Kisame, exasperated.

"Jashin is not happy."

"Why don't you get this straight," said Leader wearily. "_I don't care _about your puny god."

"Burn…" muttered Kisame.

"Shut the hell up, Fish Fry," snapped Hidan.

"Great," said Konan. "The war has ended and we've been at peace for half-an-hour. And what is the first thing you do? Argue like a bunch of little brats planning on cutting each others heads off."

Leader sighed. "That's because they _are_ a bunch of little brats planning on cutting each others heads off."

"I object to the term 'brat'," said Kisame. "I am thirty-five years old – I think I am worthy of the phrase 'a bunch of big bastards planning on cutting each others heads off'."

I giggled. "Kisame, that's not something to be proud of."

"She can be a brat thought," added Kisame, pointing to me. "She's only twenty…"

"She's a bitch," said Hidan. "Besides, I'm twenty-two and I'm not a fucking brat."

"So you think," muttered Kisame.

Before Hidan try to dismember Kisame, Leader said, "But Hidan's immortal so he's really not twenty-two. Hidan's an asshole and Kate's a brat."

"I second that motion," said Kisame.

"You're meant to give me a nice pet name," I muttered.

"I thought 'brat' was pretty nice," said Kisame, leaning over to prod me in the side. "How about we _cuddle_ a little tonight, _brat_?"

"What did I tell you about being couplish in front of me?" said Leader irritably.

"Heh, heh…" Kisame leaned away from me and grinned sheepishly at Leader. Instead, Kisame turned to Hidan. "So did you hear, we're going to see the psycho bitch soon?"

"Really?" said Hidan. "Like I give a damn."

"You know you do," said Leader. "Now stop pretending so that we can all get on with our lives."

"Shut up, shitheads," snapped Hidan. "You're giving me a bitching headache."

"Oh yeah." Said Leader. "_We_'re giving _you_ a bitching headache? My brain is about to split open thanks to your annoying as hell voice."

"Do you want me to come over there an completely pawn your mortal ass?" asked Hidan. "Because you know I will and you know I will make you wish you'd never heard of the name 'Jashin'! I will beat you so badly that all you can gasp in the afterlife is 'Jashin have mercy'!"

"I already wish I'd never heard the name Jashin," snapped Leader. "He gives me enough headaches as it is."

"And wastes a lot of money on cleaning liquid," added Kisame. "Think of the carpet."

"I switched to the bathtub," muttered Hidan.

"That was after Kakuzu tried to kill you for making us hire yet another carpet guy."

"I killed the guy so we wouldn't have to pay him!"

"That's not the point!"

"What would you know, Fish Fry!"

"A lot more than you, Zombie Ass!"

Konan sighed and pressed a hand to her forehead. She turned to me, uttering under her breath, "Peace.., Will we ever find peace…?"

I smiled and shook my head. Rule Number Eight-Six: There I no peace in the Akatsuki.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yes, I knowm y updates have slowed down, but understand that I have A LOT going on right now. I'm trying to find time to write, but it's difficult between summer homework, driving, and all that shit... Anyways, this is the last full Kate chapter. If you can believe it... I can't... Wow... Last Kate chapter... Let me have a moment to register this... ... ... ... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... ... ... THIS IS THE LAST FULL KATE CHAPTER! *screams***

**Check my profile page for new fanart! Check! Lord Jashin commands it. **

**And, finally, review. For the sake of our beloved Mr. Nibbles, REVIEW!**


	87. Parade in Suna

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

Hannah and Kakuzu plot against Itachi, who stole their titles as Master of the Night - twice.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eighty-Seven: Parade in Suna<strong>

**_Rule Number Eighty-Seven: The Akatsuki don't do parades_**

**Hannah**

In the great shadow of Suna's wall was the military camp where dozens of white tents were placed just on the other side of the ferocious battle against the Wargonians. The tents were mostly used by medic ninjas, the wounded soldiers, and resting shinobi who had fought long hard battles and just needed some time to sit down and relax. Kakuzu and I belonged to the latter category. We crowded into the seat beside one roaring fire and carried out whispered conspiracies – every so often shooting glares in the direction of the dark haired Itachi.

"Tomorrow night," I said. "We'll bring him down tomorrow night."

"No one will ever utter the name 'Itachi' and the title 'Master of the Night' in the same sentence ever again," muttered Kakuzu.

I nodded. "That title belongs to _us_ and _us _alone."

"Tobi thinks that Hannah and Kakuzu make an evil pair."

"Shut up, Tobi," snapped Kakuzu. "Go annoy Itachi or something. He can actually stand you."

"Probably not," I said. "He just refuses to show his irritation – _that would ruin his cool image_."

"Oh no," muttered Kakuzu. "Itachi could not sacrifice he _coolness_."

"Tobi thinks that someone is jealous of Itachi-senpai."

After about a minute of Kakuzu trying to rip of Tobi's head, Tobi decided that it was better to go and annoy Itachi. He sidled over to the other side of the campfire and left Kakuzu and me alone. The two of us immediately began plotting again, but we didn't get far because, at the minute, Baki came sprinting down the stairs descending from the top of the wall, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"What's he saying?" I asked.

"I don't know…"

"Hn."

As Baki drew closer, his voice grew louder, but his words melted together and none of us could make out what he was trying to yell at us. And them suddenly, the Venus flytrap of Zetsu rose from the ground beside me.

"Zetsu," said Kakuzu. "What's going on?"

"We won."

"Huh?"

At this point, Baki reached the campsite and his shouts were close enough to decipher. "We won! We won! The power source was destroyed! We won! The Wargonians have surrendered! We won!"

"Holy shit…" muttered Kakuzu. "You mean that Dessie and Deidara actually succeeded in something?"

Zetsu shrugged. "They probably sat on the sidelines and did nothing."

"I doubt it," I said. "They're hardly sideline people. Most likely, Dessie and Deidara mowed over all their allies and opponents alike and blasted their way through half the city to destroy the power source."

There was a pause.

"Yeah," said Kakuzu. "That's more likely."

* * *

><p>"This is fucking stupid…"<p>

I nodded in agreement. Crowds of Suna civilians filled the streets, all trying to get a glimpse at the shinobis who had fought for Suna's great victory as they walked in a procession through the city. The shinobi, of course, sucked it all up and smiled proudly, waving at the civilians. And then, for some screwed up reason, the Akatsuki ended up a part of the parade. Itachi stood in the front, looking very grim and very antisocial. Behind him was Tobi, who was waving and laughing excitedly, overjoyed to be shown this much love in one day. Then came Zetsu, who had shut himself away in his Venus flytrap (Zetsu was very shy around strangers). After him was Kakuzu – as grumpy and disapproving as always. And lastly there was me, who was quite invisible in comparison to the rest of the Akatsuki.

"I'm bored…" I muttered as someone tried to throw flowers at my head in celebration.

"The Akatsuki never does anything this stupid," said Kakuzu. "We win a war. Oh good, on to the next task."

"Well…" I said. "The Akatsuki is not a city…"

"And thank Warg – or Jashin – or God… Whichever you prefer…" Kakuzu shrugged. "Thank someone for that."

"Aren't we supposed to be bringing the Wargonian troops back to the blue orb?" I asked, shuffling along and trying not to be noticed by the spectators. "Not wasting our time on a stupid parade?"

"We want out of here…" whined Zetsu. "We don't like it here…"

"Poor Zetsu," I said, awkwardly patting him on the Venus flytrap.

"We're supposed to leave now," said Kakuzu. "But Suna wants to stay and have they're little parade – I'm not even getting paid for this. They're wasting my time and time equals money – therefore, they're wasting my money."

"Hannah…" whispered Zetsu. "Help us…"

"I can't," I said, before turning back to Kakuzu. "If they're wasting your money, why aren't you going ballistic on them?"

"Because Leader would kill me. I'll just wait until after the truce is over and then kill them all." A twisted smile cross Kakuzu's face and the villagers nearby who had been cheering were stunned into a horrid silence.

"Effective," I said. "Kakuzu, you are successfully quite terrifying – do you stare at your reflection in the mirror and practice everyday or just that just come naturally to you?"

"It's one-hundred-percent natural."

Before I could respond, Tobi dropped back in line to walk alongside the rest of us. A huge grin on his face, Tobi lifted up his hands placed a pink flower crown on my head.

"What is this?" I asked, reaching up a hand to take the stupid flower crown off.

"Wait! Hannah-Nunu!" wailed Tobi. "Hannah-Nunu promised that if we survived the war, she'd wear a flower crown for a day!"

I blinked. "Oh right…" As much as temptation wanted me to do it, I did not throw he flower crown to the ground and stomp on, but continued wearing it, a huge frown splashed across my face. "This is humiliating."

Tobi giggled delightedly and skipped along beside me. "Hannah-Nunu is very pretty!"

"It looks ridiculous," said Kakuzu helpfully.

Zetsu opened his Venus flytrap a crack to see what I looked like. After a minute of vacant staring, Zetsu muttered something about, "You look very nice, Hannah…" Before wrenching the plant shut again.

"Can I take it off yet?" I asked.

"Nope," said Kakuzu. "I'm enjoying your humiliation."

"Tobi doesn't want Hannah-Nunu to take it off!"

The crowds of people became ore compact as the procession drew closer to the Kazekage's offices. Eventually, when we reached the end of the path, the parade dispersed into organized rows in front of the building. Gaara, Kankuro, and Baki stood at the front, facing the troops with grim expressions on their faces. The Akatsuki begrudgingly fell in line with the rest and I received odd stares as people noticed the flower crown on my head.

"Well this is awkward," I muttered as I stood in line behind Itachi.

"Hn."

I scowled. I still had not forgiven him for stealing my title as "Master of the Night"… Yet again…

"Shinobi of Suna!" called out Gaara, capturing the attention of the audience within moments (with his good-looks and charisma, that wasn't hard to do). "Today we celebrate a victory."

Loud roars rose up amongst the ranks. Tobi did a little happy dance, which I will not describe for fear of scarring everyone for the rest of their lives. The cheers of civilians and shinobi alike went on for several minutes. The only people who did not participate were Kakuzu, Itachi, Zetsu, me, and Gaara. Gaara remained stiffly in control the entire time. Apparently joyful celebrations were not his thing.

When the cheers finally subsided, Gaara continued with his speech. "We are here, my fellow children of Suna, to honor the heroes and the dead…"

At this point I zoned out.

Just a little ahead of me, Tobi seemed to be wiggling uncomfortably. Then, I noticed that Kakuzu had gotten bored and decided it would be more entertaining to torment Tobi by tickling the poor guy with black tentacles. When Tobi let out a little squeak, I fought back a giggle and even Itachi glanced over his shoulder to look at me, One Suna shinobi even had the nerve to shush me. Thankfully, Zetsu put him in his place by trying to bite the shinobi's arm off.

"What the hell!" the guy screamed, jumping backwards. "You freak!"

Zetsu sunk his teeth deeper into the guys forearm and growled slightly.

I enjoyed the scene for a moment before stepping in. "Zetsu, spit that out. You don't know where it's been."

Obediently, Zetsu spat out the man's arm and turned to me with a disappointed expression. "But we're hungry."

"You can eat later," I said. "At the moment we have a truce with them." I lowered my voice and added, "Memorize that guy's face. Once the truce is over I want you to hunt him down and feast to your heart's desire."

A grin spread across Zetsu's face and he said, "We can do that."

While Zetsu and I returned to our places in line, I shot a glowing smile in the direction of the Suna shinobi and said, "Sorry about that. It won't happen again."

I positioned myself behind Itachi and he glanced over his shoulder to raise his eyebrows in my direction. Undoubtedly, he had read my lips and knew exactly what I'd said to Zetsu. I just smiled innocent at Itachi.

"Hn."

Itachi turned back to listen to Gaara's speech. I think Gaara was now giving medals of Honor to exceptional heroes. Someone the faces I recognized from the battlefield, but the majority of them were foreign to me.

"And now," said Gaara somewhat stiffly. "This last medal is given to a hero who came from the most unlikely of places…" A kind of scowl crossed his face, as if he was reluctant to mention this name. "The troops – myself included – have come to respect this man for his bravery, his skill, his talent, and his cunning..."

"No…" I whispered.

Up ahead, Kakuzu let out a cry of "You've got to be kidding me…"

"To honor the man known as the Master of the Night, the city of Suna offers a Medal of Honor to Uchiha Itachi."

Both Kakuzu and I were ready to murder while Itachi looked, quite frankly, bored with the whole affair. While the soldiers burst into applause, Itachi remained completely still, staring emotionlessly at Gaara. He didn't move an inch to receive his medal.

"Um… Itachi," said Zetsu. "We think you're supposed to go get the medal."

"Hn."

"Tobi will get the medal for you Itachi!"

"Oh crap…" said Kakuzu.

Tobi stepped out of line and went sprinting up to the front towards Gaara. Tobi snatched the medal out of Gaara's hands. And – too stunned to speak – Gaara watched as Tobi put the medal around his neck and raised two hands into the air in a V-for-Victory pose.

"Ladies and gentleman of Suna!" cried Tobi. "Tobi is the Master of the Night!"

And then, Tobi proceeded to do his extremely embarrassing happy dance that should not be seen in public, all the while singing, "Who's cool now? Tobi's cool now! Itachi was cool! But Tobi's cool now! Who's cool now? Tobi's cool now! Itachi was cool! But Tobi's cool now!"

Zetsu covered his eyes and Kakuzu groaned. Itachi stared at Tobi, too cool to look away no matter how horrendous the scene in front of him.

I sighed and stepped out of line. "Tobi!"

"Hannah-Nunu!" cried Tobi. "Do you see? Do you see? Tobi is cool now!"

I made my way through the crowds of shinobi. Tobi raced across the square, his arms outstretched to give me a hug.

"Hannah-Nunu! Hannah-Nunu! Do you see? Do you see? Do you–"

CLANG!

I smashed my frying pan down on Tobi's head. He stood there for a moment, muttering something about coolness, and then collapsed to the ground, completely unconscious.

Dead silence filled the square and every single eye was upon me. I reached down and grabbed Tobi by the collar of his Akatsuki cloak and, without a word, dragged him him through the crowds back to wear Zetsu, Itachi, and Kakuzu stood.

"Alright," I said. "We're leaving. I can't stand another moment of this hell."

"I second that motion," said Kakuzu.

Itachi took Tobi from me and slung Tobi over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and then, in a black and red procession the four of us made our way through the city streets towards the exit. Itachi led the way, his expression and blank as always, with an unconscious Tobi dangling over his shoulder. Then came Zetsu, drooling slightly as he passed by the masses of people. After him was Kakuzu as villainous and evil-looking as always. And lastly there was me, looking badass while wearing a flower crown and carrying a frying pan.

Rule Number Eighty-Seven: The Akatsuki don't do parades.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm actually very pleased with this chapter. At first I wasn't too sure what to do with it or how it would turn out, but I like it. We have the frying pan, the dreaded flower crown, some stupid Tobiness, and some Zetsu cannibalism. I tend to neglect Tobi quite a bit. I know he's exceedingly popular amongst fans, but I'm not that big of a Tobi fan. So, I tend to neglect him. He's probably the second most neglect Akatsuki character in my fanfic (Konan is the most - sorry!). Anyways, I enjoyed writing the last full Hannah chapter.**

**Okay, there are TWO chapters left in my story plus a Bonus Chapter. Everyone seems to think that Dessie's chapter will be the last - it is not. **

**REVIEW! HANNAH DEMANDS IT OR SHE WILL WIELD HER FRYING PAN OF MASS DESTRUCTION UPON YOU! AND ZETSU WILL HELP HER BY DEVOURING YOU ALIVE! DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THEM!**


	88. A Sappy Reunion

**_Summary of Events: _**The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia.

After destroying the power source and having the Wargonians surrender, Dessie, Deidara, Gai, Sakura, and Suigetsu wait by the blue orb in the Fence waiting for Suna and Konoha to arrive.

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><p><strong>Chapter Eighty-Eight: A Sappy Reunion<strong>

**_Rule Number Eighty-Eight: The Akatsuki allies itself with no one_**

**Dessie**

Wargonians without the power of their blue orb are pathetic. I will say this now to get all the confusion out of the way. The moment we destroyed it, they surrendered and were willing to do anything we say – I am ashamed to say I once worshipped the same god as them. Of course, now, I am converted – I have seen the light.

"They've had their youth drained out of them," said Gai, glancing at the blue orb pitifully.

"If I have to listen to you say one more word about youth I am going to slice you up into tiny little pieces and serve you as sushi," snapped Suigetsu.

"I see you're missing your youthfulness too," observed Gai.

"Boys," said Sakura, trying to stop Suigetsu from decapitating Gai. "Calm down. It's over. Relax."

"Apparently you don't appreciate violence as much as the rest of us," I observed.

The five of us – Gai, Suigetsu, Sakura, Deidara, and me – all stood near the blue orb where the Akatsuki hideout used to stand (Deidara blew it up at one point). The Wargonians who had been there had been sent back to their own world and now we guarded the blue orb until Konoha and Suna arrived with their own Wargonian captives.

"This is boring, uhn," said Deidara.

"How long until Suna and Konoha get here?" asked Suigetsu. "Team Hebi has bigger matters to attend to now."

"Thank god," snapped Sakura. "I'm sick of listening to your complaining."

"Oh yeah," I said. "Because your bitching is _so_ much better."

"Do we get to watch another catfight?" asked Suigetsu. "I always love it when you two bitch slap each other to death. I swear, I could watch you two argue for all eternity."

At this, Sakura and I turned around and bitch slapped Suigetsu.

"I'm glad we entertain you so much," I said as Suigetsu rubbed his cheek irritably.

"Look who's coming, uhn."

We turned to see the blob of soldiers marching on the horizon. At this distance, we couldn't see who was approaching, but Deidara made one of his gigantic clay birds and I hopped on the back. The bird flapped its wings and took off, bringing us closer to the masses of people. As we drew closer, we recognized the unmistakable Suna clothing – and, amongst them, four Akatsuki cloaks and Hannah.

"Hannah!" I cried, waving excitedly.

Deidara immediately tensed and dipped the bird down towards the ground. It landed smoothly and we hopped off to greet our friends.

"Hannah!" I cried yet again, flinging my arms around her neck. "I missed you!"

Before she could reply, I released her and turned to give Itachi a gigantic hug and a kiss on the lips (a special greeting reserved only for Hotties). "I missed you Hottie!" I wailed. "I missed my prized piece of eye-candy on the mission… Deidara and Suigetsu… They can only satisfy for so long…"

"Hn."

"Dessie-Nunu!"

I didn't have time to dodge as Tobi hug-tackled me to the ground, practically suffocating me in his iron grip. He giggled gleefully and said, over and over again, "Tobi is cool now! Tobi is cool now!"

"Great… Tobi…" I muttered. "You're still alive…"

"So are you, Dessie-Nunu!"

Deidara snorted. "Of course Dessie's alive. She's _can't_ die, can she."

Pause.

"Hn."

"Excuse me?" said Hannah. "I've known Dessie most of my life and I'm pretty sure she can die…" She turned to me and said, "You can die, can't you?"

"Huh?" I laughed. "Oh yeah… I'm an immortal Jashinist now."

Silence.

Zetsu: So we can eat you and you'll still live?

Tobi: Dessie-Nunu converted! Dessie-Nunu is a bad, bad girl!

Kakuzu: Great… _another_ annoying-as-shit Jashinist who won't _die_.

Hannah: WHAT!

Itachi: Hn.

I laughed and spread my arms wide as if to embrace someone. "Isn't it great? I got stabbed _so_ many times while in Wargonians and you should have seen their faces when I got up and killed them. They were all 'what the fuck?' and I just laughed – _skill_, people, that is _skill_."

Kakuzu slapped his forehead and sighed. "I did not see this coming…"

"We really should have," said Hannah. "I mean, at least this way we don't have to pay for two priests when Dessie and Hidan get drunk and Kisame forces them to marry."

At this, Kakuzu perked up. "Well that'll save a lot."

"Is money all you think about?" I asked. "I'm an i_mmortal_. I cannot die – and all you care about is money!"

"Don't worry, Dessie-Nunu," said Tobi, patting me on the head. "Tobi loves Dessie-Nunu even if she's _different_."

"Get off me," I said, pushing Tobi away. "Oh dear Jashin… How am I going to live up to telling Hidan that he actually saved my life… Crap, I'm screwed. He's never going to let me forget this."

"No, he's not," Kakuzu reassured me.

"That's reminds me…" said Hannah. "How did you become immortal…? It's not like you know the ritual…"

"Hidan told her," said Itachi. "When we were leaving Suna."

"_Then_?" asked Hannah incredulously. "Hidan had the ability to think ahead and realize that they might end up separated and Dessie might die…"

"It's a miracle!" cried Deidara. "The apocalypse is coming!" And he promptly sprinted over to cowered behind Hannah. "We can use Tobi as a meat shield," he added.

Hannah rolled her eyes, but before she could reply, Zetsu dove at Deidara and tried to gnaw Deidara's leg off. Deidara let out an extremely girly shriek and sprinted away towards his clay bird while Zetsu chased after him. We watched amusedly for a while as Deidara tried to trick Zetsu into eating a clay Deidara clone and Zetsu tried to disappear in the ground, and come up right underneath Deidara, munching at the blond fur ball's legs.

"Ah," said Kakuzu. "I missed watching Deidara suffer,"

"Ten bucks on Zetsu," I said.

Deidara sprinted past us, and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Dessie, you traitor! After all we've been through together!"

"Hey!" I shouted after him. "You can't bet against a cannibal plant!"

"I see you haven't changed."

I turned around to see, out of the masses of Suna shinobi and Wargonians walking towards the blue orb, came the figure of Sasuke Uchiha.

"Mini-Hottie!" I screamed, and gave him a quick smack on the lips.

"You know," said Hannah thoughtfully. "That greeting isn't reserved only for you. Dessie just kissed Itachi with that same mouth…"

Sasuke looked revolted and wiped off his mouth with his sleeve. "I think I might vomit…"

"If you vomit on any Akatsuki robes, you have to pay for the damages," said Kakuzu. "Dry cleaners are so frigging expensive these days."

I let out a shriek of laughter and gave Kakuzu a big-bear hug (of course, I quickly let go before he could grow to fond of the idea of murdering me). "I missed you so much! Did I tell you that Deidara and I thought of you while we were in Wargonia?"

"What?"

Deidara groaned. "Don't tell him that…"

"Tell me what?" asked Kakuzu suspiciously.

"We were in the sewers of Wargonia," explained Deidara. "And we were afraid we wouldn't be able to get the smell out my Akatsuki robes… And you wouldn't like to buy me a new set…"

"We thought you might tentacle rape us!" I screamed.

Hannah slapped her forehead and sighed. "Good-bye Dessie…"

Kakuzu had a vein popping in his forehead. "_Me_ rape _you_ with my tentacles…?" He was practically trembling with blind rage. "First, you should know I have far better standards in my rape victims and secondly, YOU BITCH I WILL MURDER YOU!"

I let out a yelp and turned on my heels and Kakuzu let loose the masses on tentacles. I tried to get away, but they caught me by the wrist and dragged me backwards towards the looming black mass behind me. I screamed and thrashed about, half laughing with joy and half howling in terror – it was hard to tell which at times.

"Yeah-ha!"

A psychotic laugh echoed through the forest and, before I knew what was happening, a figure dressed in red and black went flying over my head and brought his red scythe slashing down on the tentacles that bound me. The tentacles were cut in two and Kakuzu immediately released me.

I brushed them off of me and sat up, rolling over to see who my savior was.

"Hell, yeah," said Hidan. "I think I get a prize for the most heroic reunion moment ever."

"You're as idiotic as ever," observed Leader.

I got to my feet and brush dirt off of my clothes.

"Aw come on, shithead," said Hidan. "You have to admit that whole flying through the air to save the damsel in distress thing was pretty cool."

"I don't have to admit any such thing."

"You know you–"

I kicked Hidan between the legs.

His eyes practically bulged out of his head as he sunk to his knees and hissed, "Dessie… why… I saved you… From… Kakuzu…"

"Die, you shithead!" I screamed, kicking Hidan in the side with every syllable. "Die! Die! Die!"

Kisame 'kindly' dragged me away from Hidan, restraining me before I could kick him any more. While I screamed continuous curses at him, Hidan rolled on the ground, groaning and clutching his manly bits. "What was that for…?"

"You asshole!" I yelled, still struggling against Kisame. "How dare you save my life like that!"

[The author would like to insert yet another moment of silence here]

Hidan – completely forgetting his former pain – leapt to his feet and pointed at me excitedly. "Success! Success! I saved your life! Admit it! I saved your life! And you…" He cackled evilly. "Jashin shall triumph over all! Jashin is the one true god! Face immortality, shitheads!"

Kisame dropped me to the ground. "Wait a second… Dessie is… a Jashinist now…"

I got to my feet and, in the middle of Hidan's celebrating, kicked him between the legs again. He gasped and sunk to the ground in agony.

"Ah, I missed the good old days," said Deidara. "Where we get to watch Hidan suffer endlessly, uhn."

Kakuzu nodded in agreement. "There's just no good quality ass-kicking now a days… Thankfully, Dessie relieves us of these horrors with her beautiful displays of how the female gender overcomes the male gender."

Kate giggled and, when everyone turned to stare at her, her face turned bright red.

At the sight of her, I laugh and flung my arms around her neck in a warm hug. "I missed you, Katie! You skipped all the action in Wargonia!"

She smiled and hugged me back. "I got _plenty_ of action in Konoha."

I released Kate and stepped away to look from her to Kisame and back to her before saying, "_Whoa_… I didn't know your relationship was advanced that far. _Nice Kate_ – the rest of the world is war torn and you're _getting it on_ with your boyfriend. I see how it is."

Kate's face turned bright red and she covered her eyes in embarrassment. Kisame, on the other hand, grinned broadly and laughed. "You know it, Dessie. We're all about _love_ here in the Akatsuki."

Leader and Kakuzu sighed. "What did I tell you about being couplish, Kisame?"

Kisame cowered behind Kate. "Look at this face – can you deny this face?"

"Yes," said Leader and Kakuzu bluntly.

Sighing, Kisame stood upright and gave Kate a warm hug, muttering something about "Total losses."

I folded my arms and turned to survey Leader, Konan, Kisame, and Kate suspiciously. "So why were not of you _really_ surprised to find out I'm an immortal Jashinist now?"

"I was surprised," said Kisame. "Even dropped you when I found out."

"Yes…" I said slowly. "But there was no insane screaming and looks of absolute horror or complaints of having two Jashinist around…"

"Well…" said Konan. "Admittedly, Hidan told us about the whole… you know… telling you the secret to Jashinist immortality…"

"Ah." I turned around and gazed down at Hidan, who was still rolling around on the ground. "I would kick you, but just looking at you makes me feel pathetic and slimy all over."

Hidan groaned.

"Awww," said Kisame. "You two should just hurry up and get married."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Why do we have to hurry up and get married? We're both immortal Jashinists now – we have _eternity_ to get married." I tipped my head back and let out a mad laugh while the rest of the Akatsuki stared.

"She's finally lost it," said Hannah."

"Absolutely crazy," agreed Deidara. "Uhn."

There was the sound of footsteps and we all turned to see Tsunade and Gaara approaching front the direction of the blue orb. Leader stepped forward to greet them, clearly determined not to let the rest of us talk. The Hokage and Kazekage greeted Leader civilly before stepping back to surveyed the Akatsuki grimly.

"Well," said Tsunade. "All the Wargonians have been taken care of. All that's left is to destroy the orb."

"I can do that," said Deidara. He started walking towards his clay bird.

I slid over to Hannah and elbowed her in the ribs. "You should go with him. You know, to make sure that he doesn't blow anyone else up in the process. You know… Deidara and his art…"

Hannah scowled at me and I sighed. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her alone the ground. "Deidara! Wait up! Hannah's coming with you!"

As I practically picked Hannah up and placed her on the back of Deidara's bird, she shot me angry death glares. However, she remained standing behind him as the bird flapped its wings and took off in the direction of the blue orb. After them, I shouted, "Deidara! I was always rooting for you!" And then, I turned around and walked back to the Akatsuki.

"Well," said Kisame, draping an arm around my shoulders. "You know, Dessie, you'd make a great Love Guru…"

"Don't touch me, Fish Fry." I walked past Kisame to stand beside Zetsu and I patted him awkwardly on the Venus flytrap. "Don't worry; I was always rooting for you."

Kakuzu groaned while Tobi giggled excitedly and tried to give me a hug. I stepped out of the way in time for Tobi to fall flat on his face (ah, that will never cease to amuse me).

"So," said Tsunade as we watched Deidara's bird fly closer to the blue orb. "Thank you for your help."

"Technically it should be the other way around," pointed out Kate. "We were the ones who asked for help."

"Shush," said Konan. "The Akatsuki never admits asking for help."

"Oops."

Tsunade smiled and, in the distance behind us, there was an explosion as Deidara dropped his explosives. Then, the bird circled around the flames and we distinctly heard a blond fur ball scream, "Art is a bang, uhn!" The bird circled around and returned, touching back to the ground near the rest of the Akatsuki. Deidara hopped off, laughing psychotically, while Hannah slid down the birds back after him, scowling.

"Crazy, psychopathic pyromaniac," she said, crossing her arms angrily.

"It wasn't that bad, uhn," said Deidara. "You know you liked it."

Zetsu hissed and Hannah moved over to go stand beside him.

"Anyways," said Tsunade loudly. "I have something to ask you."

"Yes," said Leader, deliberately turning away from Hannah and Deidara. "What do you want?"

"The Kazekage and I would like to know what will happen now that the war is over."

Tsunade and Gaara stood firmly, staring at the Akatsuki. We all exchanged confused glances before Hidan turned to Tsunade and voiced what we all were thinking: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Tsunade sighed. "We wanted to know if the Akatsuki was now going to ally itself with Suna and Konoha."

Pause.

And then we all laughed.

I mean, it was pure madness. Kisame actually fells to his knees with trembling laughter and slammed his fist into the ground, unable to hold his mirth in. Deidara had doubled over clutching his side, and Hidan had to use his staff as a prop to keep himself upright. Even Itachi managed a smile and Leader let out a burst of snicker every few seconds while Konan giggled gleefully at the idea. Tobi was rolling around on the ground in joyful abandon as Kakuzu laughed so hard that he probably wore out four of his five hearts. Kate was shrieking with laughter while Hannah and Zetsu leaned on each other, neither one able to stand upright with laughter. And me, I laughed hard that my sides were practically splitting open. It was a mad laugh fest.

Finally, between fits of snickers, Leader managed to regain himself enough to say, Rule Number Eighty-Eight: "The Akatsuki allies itself with no one."

And with that, still trembling with laughter, the Akatsuki walked away. But before we could get to far, Leader looked over his shoulder at the Hokage and Kazekage and the flames of Deidara's explosion rising up into the sky. Leader smiled and said, "By the way, when the blue orb exploded the jutsu ended – you can try to kill us now."

Hidan and I let out a bark of laughter and turned to grin at Tsunade and Gaara.

"We'd like to see you try, shitheads!"

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><p><strong>AN: You were all expecting a romantic reunion between Dessie and Hidan? Mwhahahahaha NEVER! Do you dare defy the very essence of Dessie's personality! She will never accept Hidan/Dessie. Never. By the way, I wonder if anyone noticed the similar use of Hidan and Dessie's lines. Hidan stole Dessie's favorite line at one point. And I really have to stop using "Shitheads"... But its such a fun word! I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone with the reunion scene, but it is a lot to get into one chapter and this is Dessie's point of view. **

**Please check my profile page for links to new fanart! Please... hehehe**

**REVIEW! OR DESSIE WILL KICK YOU TO PIECES AND KISAME WON'T BOTHER TO RESTRAIN HER!**


	89. The Sort of End

**Chapter Eighty-Nine: The Sort of End**

**_Rule Number Eighty-Nine: Don't mess with an Akatsuki whore_**

**Kate**

"Attention! Attention! … Everybody shut up or I will wring you all from neck to neck and feed you the rabid tailed-beasts and watch as Warg and Jashin takes bets on which one of you miserable souls lasts the longest!"

Silence. The Akatsuki stopped talking and turned to look along the length of the booth as Leader and Konan stood upright, glaring impatiently at everyone. The Akatsuki was crowded around a table in a bar, all debating bets on who could drink the most tonight without passing out. Leader, however, had different visions for how this meeting was going to go (visions that most definitely did not involve alcohol).

"Finally," muttered Leader. "Now, as you all know, we are here to discuss a very important issue – where are we going to find a new hideout?"

"Leader," said Kisame, leanng back in his seat and draping one arm around my shoulders. "Come on, we just finished a massive war against the Wargonians. We've stopped fighting for – what – two days?"

From across the table, Deidara nodded. "We've been working non-stop, uhn."

"Give us a break," said Hidan. "I'm fucking tired."

Leader sighed. "This is an important issue and we need to discuss it. You can party _after_ we finish discussing."

"Don't be such a stick in the mud," said Kisame. "We have plenty of time to discuss the new hideout later." He waved his hand in the air to catch the waitress' attention. "Drink up, be hearty, the real work can start tomorrow."

"Hear, hear!" said Hidan, waving to the waitress as well.

"Don't act all cool, shithead," said Dessie, kicking Hidan beneath the table. "You make a sad drunk."

"Silence, my apprentice," said Hidan gravely. "Don't you know how shitty it is to talk to your honorable teacher like that?"

Hannah snorted. "Did Hidan just refer to himself as honorable?"

Grimly, Kakuzu nodded. "I never thought I'd see the day."

"You know," said Deidara. "Student-teacher romances are all the rage nowadays." He turned to Dessie and winked obviously. "I'm rooting for you, bitch."

Dessie glared. "If you keep going on like that, I'm quitting the Bang and Drop team."

"That's alright," said Deidara, resting his arm on Hannah's shoulder and leaning on her, with a triumphant grin on his face. "I've got my back up 'Drop' – and she's much sexier."

"Oh, you did _not_ just say that," said Dessie, raising her fist.

Zetsu growled and started getting to his feet. "We're hungry. And a blond fur ball looks particularly appetizing tonight."

"You get him, Zetsu," said Dessie.

I giggled and added to Deidara, "This is the part where you run."

Leader sighed and massaged his temples wearily. "Fine… I will let you party to your heart's content." A great cheer rose up amongst the Akatsuki and the rest of Leader's words were drowned out, though I suspect it was some sort of threat about how if we ever tried this again he would rip us from limb to limb. Though, of course, I can't be sure.

Kisame started handing out the bottles of sake that the waitress brought us and soon I found myself clutching an untouched bottle while Kisame downed his in stances and Dessie and Hidan were already making plans to see how many bottles they could drink before they died. Deidara and Zetsu, of course, never got their sake since Zetsu started hunting Deidara and Deidara was forced to flee.

"Aw," said Kisame. "I was looking forward to Deidara getting drunk." He turned to me with a sloppy grin on his face and said, "Do you think if Zetsu and Hannah got drunk again they might both get a divorce?"

"Don't be mean," I said. "Poor Zetsu, everyone's rooting for Deidara…"

"Are you?"

I shook my head. "Team Zetsu all the way."

Kisame sighed and elbowed me in the ribs. "Well, I guess I have to be Team Zetsu too then." He turned and looked across the restaurant where Zetsu was trying to nibble on Deidara's leg while Deidara was trying to kick Zetsu in the face. "Go Zetsu! Gnaw that leg off! Bite! Bite! Bite! Sink your teeth into it!"

I collapsed into a fit of giggles while Kisame helped himself to another bottle of sake.

"You know," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "It must be hard for Tobi to drink under that mask… Actually, I've never seen Tobi drink sake… yet somehow he always ends up drunk…"

We all turned to look down the table where Tobi sat next to Itachi, hiccupping and giggling like a little girl. "You know, Itachi," Tobi was saying. "You're very, very hot."

Itachi edged away.

I snickered. "Tobi… You bad boy."

Tobi turned to look at me. His one visible eye crinkled in delight and Tobi clapped his hands delightedly. "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy!"

"How much have you had to drink?" asked Kakuzu. "We've been drinking for a whole five minutes…"

"Drink?" Tobi looked confused.

Kisame let out a bark of laughter. "Tobi is Tobi. He doesn't need to be drunk to act like that."

"Great…"

I laughed. "Tobi's a good boy… He's always sober."

Tobi clapped his hands and jumped to his feet. He leaned across the table – until he was practically lying on it – and wrapped his arms around my neck. "Tobi loves Kate-Nunu!" He giggled and then let go to return to his seat beside Itachi. Then, as if stuck by sudden inspiration, he turned around and flung his arms around Itachi's neck too. "Tobi loves Itachi-Nunu!" Then, Tobi let go and hugged Kakuzu. "Tobi loves Kakuzu-Nunu too."

"Great," said Hannah. "Now he's just _giving_ the title away."

"You can have it," said Kakuzu. "I'd _pay_ not to be a Nunu."

"Whoa…"

We all turned our heads to the far end of the table (past where Dessie and Hidan were still having their intense drinking game) to where Leader and Konan sat, working on their third bottles of sake.

"I haven't had sake in so long," said Leader. "I'd forgotten how good this stuff is."

"When was the last time we got drunk?" asked Konan thoughtfully.

"Hannah's birthday party…" supplied Itachi.

"That was almost a year ago…" said Dessie suddenly between gulps of sake. "Whoa… We've been in the Fence for almost a year now…"

"With breaks in between," I added. "We did visit Earth every now and again…"

"And Wargonia," said Dessie. She shuddered. "Crappy place."

Someone elbowed me in the ribs and I looked up to see Kisame grinning and leaning over me. I glanced at him curiously and he bent over to whisper in my ear, "Leader and Konan seem _very_ drunk tonight."

My eyes flitted over to where Leader and Konan were finishing up their bottles of sake. A snicker spurted through my lips and quickly covered it up. I raised my head to whisper in Kisame's ear, "I think I see a Hanetsu coming…"

Kisame laughed and quickly kissed me on the lips. "The Love Guru has some work to do."

We got to our feet and slipped out of the booth. Kisame turned and saluted the Akatsuki, saying, with a villainous grin, "We shall return – with wedding equipment." He smirked at Konan and Leader before heading towards the exit to find a priest and a bridal store – the Love Guru and his helping Cupid are back in action!

* * *

><p><strong>Hannah<strong>

"They're all crazy," muttered Kakuzu.

I didn't know if he was talking about Kate and Kisame (who were plotting on marrying Leader and Konan) or Deidara and Zetsu (who were still trying to kill each other). So, instead, I had another draught of sake as an excuse not to answer.

"You've only had four bottles," cried Hidan. "I've had five."

"You shitty liar," snapped Dessie, waving an empty sake bottle in Hidan's face. "I've had four and you've had four – we _equal_, you dumbshit. Quit trying to cheat."

"Don't argue with your teacher," said Hidan. "I am all knowing."

"Isn't that the biggest, fattest lie I've ever heard."

I sigh and rubbed my head. "Tomorrow morning is going to be interesting."

Kakuzu snorted. "Massive hangovers, possible weddings, and massive bites marks – yep, tomorrow's going to be _fun_."

"You want to know what the best part is," I said, leaning back in my seat. "Itachi gets to be dead sober for all of it. The one morning where we actually try to be quite – and we're all too miserable to care. But Itachi…"

"Hn." Itachi was now sitting on the opposite side of the table from me (he had edged that far away from Tobi, who had now fallen asleep on the booth seats).

"You enjoy laughing at our drunkness, don't you?" I said.

"Hn."

"Now," said Dessie, turning away from Hidan to point at Itachi. "Original Hottie is just too cool to get drunk. If he got drunk and acted stupid, it would ruin his image. So he stays sober and is just so _hot_ like that…" She giggled maniacally and had another sip of sake.

"She's crazy…" said Leader. He laughed. "Crazy… Crazy… Crazy bitch…"

"Yay," said Dessie. "I'm a bitch."

"A hot bitch," supplied Hidan helpfully.

Dessie turned around and flipped him off. "I know I'm hot, shithead. I don't need a Bloody-Hottie like you to tell me."

"Wait a second," said Leader, raising his hands in the universal signal for 'stop'. "Hold the phones. Did Dessie just call Hidan a _Hottie_?"

I turned my head to gawp at Leader. "Did you just say _hold the phones_?"

"I don't know which is more incredible," said Kakuzu.

Hidan, however, looked quite pleased with this outcome. "So I finally get to join the Hottie harem? Do I get to be head of the harem, Dessie?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, folding her arms. "I was acting British. Bloody… naughty. Not Hottie. _Naughty_."

"She's in denial," said Kakuzu.

The door to the bar opened and a blue shark-man and his girlfriend (blond and giggly) came rushing in. Kisame came to stand behind Leader and Konan, a devilish grin splashed across his face.

"Kisame," said Konan. "You missed it. Dessie called Hidan a Bloody-Hottie."

"Bloody naughty…" muttered Dessie.

"She _did_?" asked Kisame. "Damn, I missed it?"

"Kisame," hissed Kate, beaming up at him. "The plan, the plan…"

"Oh right. Kisame turned to Leader and Konan and clapped his hands loudly to catch their attention. "Guess what! We found a possible hideout! We found a possible hideout!"

Leader looked confused. "Aren't we in the middle of a town…?"

"Er… It's a very good hideout…"

"Probably in a church," muttered Hidan.

"Come one! Come on!" cried Kate, grabbing hold of Konan's wrist and pulling her in the direction of the door. "We want to show you the hideout. It's _really_ cool."

With a sigh, Konan and Leader got out of their seat (bad idea) and followed Kisame and Kate out of the bar in search of the new hideout (again, bad idea). The rest of us watched them go and, when they had disappeared from view, we turned back to face each other.

"They're doomed," I said.

"Hn."

"We're going to have an interesting morning tomorrow…" said Dessie. "I blame Kate."

"Hey Dessie… Guess what," said Hidan as he finished his bottle of sake. "I'm up to _six_. What about you?"

Dessie glanced at her own half-filled bottle. Fuck shit god damnit," she said, and started chugging down her bottle. When she had finished, she slammed it on the table and reached for another one. "I'll be damn if I lose to you."

Their drinking war continued and I sighed. Turning to face Kakuzu I swooshed around the contents of my bottle wearily.

"So," said Kakuzu. "What are you going to do about your lover boys over there?"

He nodded to the far end of the bar and I looked over my shoulder to see that Deidara was now trying to stuff massive amount of clay down Zetsu's Venus flytrap while Zetsu attempted to pull out massive amounts of Deidara's blond hair.

"What about them?" I asked.

"Are you going to get together with Deidara or stayed married to Zetsu?"

I paused and considered this carefully. Then, with a swing of sake, I turned to Kakuzu and grinned. "How about both. I might have a thing for Deidara, but I don't really want to divorce Zetsu…"

Kakuzu stopped halfway between sips of sake. A slow, devious smile spread across his face underneath his mask. "You evil, evil child."

"I know." I lifted up my bottle of sake to him. "A toast to an evil, fake, Akatsuki whore?"

Kakuzu, however, pulled his bottle away and shook his head. "Kate is dating Kisame, Dessie and Hidan are immortal Jashinist together, and you're married to Zetsu but planning on having a thing with Deidara… I think it's time for a promotion." He raise his bottle of sake . "A toast to three _real_ Akatsuki whores."

"I'll drink to that."

Rule Number Eighty-Nine: Don't mess with a real Akatsuki whore

* * *

><p><strong>Dessie<strong>

There are perks to being immortal. The whole 'I cannot die no matter how many times you stab me' thing is really working for me – what I can't handle, however, is the fact that I can drink a hundred beers and _not die from alcohol poisoning_. Talk about one hell of a hangover.

"I'm up to seven…" said Hidan, his voice shaking slightly.

"I have six and a half," I said, gulping down as much sake as I could between words. "I'm catching up."

"You forget," said Hidan.

"Forget what?"

He grinned. "I'm catching up, _Bloody-Hottie_." He took another swing of sake.

Instead of finishing my bottle, I brought it smashing down on his head. I was satisfied to see the blood trickle down his forehead as he scowled at me and wiped it away before the stream of blood could reach his eyes.

"Bitch."

"Yeah," I said. "But I'm a _hot_ bitch."

Hidan rolled his eyes and finished his bottle of sake. "I'm up to eight – and what are you at? Six and a half? Oh wait… You broke your bottle… What are you going to do now?"

I smiled and then took Hidan's bottle of sake and smashed it over his head as well.

"Now you have Eight and one-sixth. Oh, what are you going to do now?"

"How dare you hit your Jashinist teacher," said Hidan. "I'm sure there's something in the scriptures against that."

"You're a pretty pathetic teacher if you haven't memorized the scriptures yet," I said. "Besides, I'm still a badass Warganist at heart."

Hidan snorted. "You can't be a bitching Warganist – otherwise Jashin wouldn't have accepted you and made you immortal. And besides, 'Warg' and 'badass' don't belong in the same fucking sentence."

"I made up Warg on the spot to spite you and it turned out Warg was real and there is an entire world dedicated to him," I said. "I don't know, but that is pretty damn badass, Zombie Whore."

"You're a failure as a Jahsinist."

"Oh yeah?" I said, leaning forward and smirking. "What are you going to do about it?"

Hidan grinned and reached behind him to grab his scythe. He pulled it out in front of him so that the blades were inches away from my neck. "I could decapitated you and watch your head roll around on the floor," said Hidan.

"But you wouldn't do that," I said.

"And why not?"

I reached out a hand and pushed the scythe away. Then, I leaned over so that my face was as close as possible to his without actually touching. "Because I'm your fucking immortal Jashinist partner who's about to go on a killing spree with you."

At first, Hidan could only stare at me with a stunned expression. Then, he jumped to his feet. "Hell yeah. Jashin shall be appeased!"

"Where are you going?" asked Hannah, glancing over as Hidan and I made our way towards the exit.

"A killing spree," said Hidan.

"If I remember right," I said, taking one last sip of sake. "I did promise him that after the war we'd go on a killing spree together and see how long it takes before we're more hated then Itachi and Deidara."

Kakuzu look exhausted with all of us while Itachi looked just plain bored (well, _that's_ something new). And, as always, Hannah rolled her eyes and leaned back in her seat to observe the two of us wearily. "A killing spree? That'll make Hidan happy. I can just see the two of you skipping through a meadow of roses and rabbit with heavy rock music playing in the background while you two chop off heads. Ah, the romance is _overflowing_."

I tipped my head back and laughed maniacally. "Welcome to the Akatsuki – pray to Warg or Jashin or whatever god you believe that you survive – the bloodier the prayer, the better!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: And now, for the last time, I will say this: REVIEW OF LEADER WILL COME AND RIP OUT YOU EYEBALLS AND FEED THEM TO THE AKATSUKI FOR BREAKFAST! REVIEW OR HIDAN WILL DRINK YOUR BLOOD AND STAB HIMSELF IN THE HEART AND WIGGLE THE SPEAR AROUND A LITTLE! REVIEW! OR KONON WILL SUFFOCATE YOU WITH HER PAPER! REVIEW OR KAKUZU WILL RAPE YOU WITH HIS BLACK TENTACLES! REVIEW OR DEIDARA WILL BLOW YOUR ASS FROM THE FENCE TO WARGONIA! REVIEW OR TOBI WILL GO MADARA ON YOU AND BRING YOU OVER THE EDGE OF ETERNAL SUFFERING! REVIEW OR ITACHI WILL SHARINGAN YOUR ASS! REVIEW OR KISAME WILL WIELD HIS MIGHT SWORD AND LOB YOUR HEAD OFF WHILE HUMMING THE JAWS THEME SONG! REVIEW OR ZETSU WILL MUNCH ON YOUR INTESTINES! REVIEW OR HANNAH WILL SMASH YOUR HEAD OPEN WITH HER FRYING PAN OF DOOM! REVIEW OR SOMEONE WILL TELL KATE THAT YOU INSULTED MR. NIBBLES! REVIEW OF DESSIE WILL KICK YOU ASS! REVIEW OR THE AKATSUKI WILL CRUSH YOU!**


	90. Authors' Note

**A/N:**

**Hey everyone! This is my final authors' note for this book. I hope you enjoyed all 89 chapters of it and the three months of near constant updating. I have some quick things to say before I end this story completely. **

**1) A big, fat thank you to everyone who read this story and an extra thanks for everyone who reviewed. I enjoyed all your comments and, just so you know, some of them made me laugh aloud and inspired me to write more. Some of you gave me ideas which, I did use. However, I forgot who to credit... (oopsie). **

**2) THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANKYOU! To all the people who drew fanart for this story. I have to say, it made me so ridiculusly happy that I think you deserve your own point in the thank you section. **

**3) There will be a sequel called 'Criminally Insane Just Got More Legal'. It might not come out for a month or two since I plan on writing a different story in between. However, I will, eventually, come out with the sequel. **

**4) Um... Yep. This is the end... sort of. **


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